to talk

I wanted to talk sometime in between the week, but my mind went blank, and it's so hard to write to think about anything else at work. It's so intense. Like intense study for hours.

Now that I have the forum I really have nothing to say. It is so hard to read on Sunday. It's a beautiful day 24 hours of me time. but I can't seem to find two or three hours to dedicate to study, maybe it's the mind preparing for work. Or not, because even when I didn't work I was still unfocused. Mondays are such humpalumphs.

I am wasting everyone's time. I really should talk about something else.

I pray that this is a good week. A safe productive week. I pray that I am able to do a good job, be a hardworking employee, study hard and be a better person. I thank the Lord for the blessing He has given me, The special blessing that materialized this week, and hope that by God's special grace, it would mature into a wonderful blossoming flower. I thank the Lord that it did. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

sometimes its just anger

Sometimes I get so upset, so angry and I don't know why and sometimes when it gets to a fever putch I may start to cry. Like this morning.

Yesterday the satellite people were supposed to install my dish since it's been a month since I disconnected my system because of the loss of my job. They didn't. They bumped me off to Sunday, I didn't mind at the time because I had so much to do on Saturday which waiting for them for an hour and half sort of wrecked but I decided not to get upset by it.

Today they still didn't show up. They do not want to show up. I am upset about that and something else. I just couldn't put my finger on it. Mainly I am just bored, bored with my life, bored that I don't have a boyfriend, bored that I don't even have TV to watch on a Sunday afternoon to while away the time. Bored, and just frightened that this may be the mindset for the rest of my life.
Yes, the tears are starting.

Yesterday morning when I woke up I prayed that God find me a man. I know weird request for a prayer but it did say you can tell Him anything so I did. I didn't specify or maybe I did but I can't remember. I know it had something to do with the fact that yet another birthday is coming and I do not have anyone to share it with and it's been like this for almost a decade of my existence. And it's not fair.
So I went to this party with my friend and I meet this nice guy. He was funny, nice looking and seemed like he was interested. In my mind I am thinking, way to go God, that was quick so you were listening to my request. But the weirdest thing, he didn't ask me for my number. He just stopped there. I don't know why. well I didn't. He just shook my hand and said good night. This morning my friend tells me he is seeing someone pretty seriously. I see. I don't see. But I will have to live with that.

I haven't thought about Keanu in a while, and at times like this I rest in the hope that, okay so he is not Keanu and that's fine, since that has always been my prayer. And since he is not KR why are you settling? That's not the story. The story is, I am bored. I need a man. I need to share my life with someone. It is not a want it is a need. So I shouldn't have to meet people and find out they are not available. I shouldn't have to just be bumped by the outcome of my weekend. I don't see. I really don't.

So that's why I am upset. That and my dish isn't hooked up so I can wallow in self-pity in front of it.

KR wherever you are, it shouldn't take this long for me to find your real life replacement. It shouldn't take this long for me to find you. Period. You see, cos I really don't.

I've been meaning to say

I have been meaning to say in here, that I started work last week.

Yeah.

The only reason I didn't mention it in here is because, well, it's me and I hate to jinx stuff. I still don't feel any different. I didn't yell from the balcony like I promised I would once I got the call offering me new digs. I didn't do anything. I called my sister we had an abysmal talk and that was that. That was exactly what she said, "so that's over." Like "that" was a small issue. I had to fucking pay my rent from my savings this month, so that wasn't just that. It was a whole lot more. But either way, yes, so I am an employee.

Good God I hope I am not in jeopardy of jinxing it by making this post, perhaps I should have waited. I just thought you should know since you all, well, you listened, and I actually made a very good friend through this all and I do not want to lose her friendship.

But that is that!