The Sun

 

I spent Sunday morning with myself in my apartment, reading a book, thinking about me and my love for the impossible, and thinking how it could all come to be, me taken away from all this normalcy into something grandiose and magnificent, to a place beyond my far-fetched imagination.

 

My family called, he called, and everyone wanted to reach out and touch me as I was lost in my high. Sometimes you just want to belong to something that is you, and not so much you presently but you wish it to be and you don't want to have anything that was of the past to come to you and take you away from that bliss, that space, that peace while you bask in the glow of what could be.

For Colored Girls and Solo Weekends

The post below is culled from my personal journal in the Fall of 2008. 

I had just come out of one of those, "Are we exclusive or are we not?" sort of nonsensical dating arrangements and I suddenly had my weekends free. The thing with being single is your weekends are yours. Yours to do whatever it is that needs to be done, or not done. They are just free - not unless you have to work weekends. But you have them free to live the single life rocks lifestyle. Free weekends is actually something most married people envy about us single folks. And every chance I get I rub it in their faces. However, when you meet someone and you start the dance towards dating suddenly your weekends are no longer free. You plan your weekends around whatever plans both of you may have. Before you know it, you get used to it - the "us" that does stuff together on the weekends. That's the part I hate. The part where you've just started to get used to that person's company and then, they just disappear. What's the solution? Just try to jump back into those hobbies that used to occupy your weekends. For me, it's Art - Plays, museums, exhibition openings, etc. Do a complete nose dive, don't even hesitate or brood a moment longer. Immerse yourself in those hobbies and with time, you should be back to your former self.

So when a former colleague of mine suggested that I see the play For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf, by Ntozake Shange I just jumped at it. I didn't know anything about the play. Had read no reviews, nothing. I just knew it was within my price range, playing close to home and something that I really needed to get back into me and reclaim my solo weekends. 

The play turned out to be all that and more - just what the doctor ordered. After the play I took myself out to dinner cos' that's what solo gals do. We do dinner and a play.

Taken from my journal September 1, 2008:

Went to see the wonderful play, For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf at the 14th street playhouse on Sunday afternoon directed by the lovely Jasmine Guy. "Yes, I spent an afternoon at the Theater," as Ms. Guy aptly termed it, in her sophisticated Southern drawl as she directed us to kindly turn off our cellphones so we could completely indulge in the play.

I must say, I enjoyed the play immensely. Apparently, this play was written by a feminist lady in the feminist time of the 70's. I had no idea that it's been around for that long. A former colleague forwarded the flyer to me and now, I am glad she did. At first I didn't know what to make of the stories told in short poems, the Southern accent seemed to loose me now and then, but once I got into it, I knew this was for me. I felt like I was being revolutionized, like I was part of some new age female movement to empower women with dignity and self-respect. It felt good! The play is basically about 7 strong black women dealing with life's trials. I didn't necessarily relate it to being black because I feel the pain of loss, heartbreak, rape, physical and mental abuse, etc, are dealt by all women. I've always been black and I have always dealt with these problems so I don't necessarily feel these problems are personal to me because of my color. They are universal female struggles.

I wish I remembered every bit of the play. I just remember bits and pieces of it here and there, certain lines here and there just sort of stayed with me. There was this particular poem that said, paraphrasing, "Someone stole something from me, and I let them steal it, I was right there when it happened." People don't hurt you or break your heart unless you let them, and you are right there when it happens.

That is so true.

I feel like buying a copy of the book for every woman I've ever known, black or white.

Future of Anita Writes

I spent about 10% of my time over the weekend discussing the future of Anita Writes​. Let's see, the weekend has about 48 hours, I spent about 7-8 hours discussing the direction of the blog, why I blog, privacy rights of individuals that interact with me and what I choose to gain from the blog. Mind you this discussion was done with 2 different people, both male, both concerned about the blog.

Anita Writes was started as a hobby. My baby was conceived because I kept having these solo adventures on my own, single gal around Atlanta, my co-worker and dear friend tired of hearing about it at work during lunch advised me to put it in a blog. So I did. This was way back in 2008. I didn't plan to make any money from it. I just thought I could help other single people become comfortable in their own skin, in seeking their own adventure, in shaking off the fear of being single. Plus, I just wanted to talk about my single gal adventures!

I did not plan to make any money from it.

Cut to 2014. I am now living in Nigeria, looking for a job. Blogging may raise some money for me in the interim but so far I have not made squat. I haven't really enjoyed being single in Nigeria to be perfectly honest with you all. Not because of me, it's just because the dynamics here a little different. The culture here doesn't really encourage the single life. It leaves you with little or nothing to do, no hobbies or sistahood. Now I understand why most Lagos girls enter into all kinds of pseudo-relationships just so they can shake off the stigma of being "single."

You would think, here of all places, my blog would be encouraged. Here comes this single gal ready to tell us that we can accept ourselves as single and own our solo life. Not so much. Most people don't even know the theme of my blog and if they do, they are just not interested. So during my weekend brainstorming session over the future of my blog a couple of things were discussed:

1. How do I make money from Anita Writes.
What type of articles do I need to write to engage my audience? My participant said, my Nigerian audience. But I am more interested in my global audience. Nigeria is just a subset. But my participant did not feel so. Felt I should win the Nigerian audience and drive their traffic to my blog. He suggested participating in sensational news, fluff stories. I vehemently refused to do that. I don't want to compromise my artistic integrity. I compared my work to asking Beck or Dave Grohl to collaborate with Taylor Swift or Rihanna. There's popular music and there's music. There's fluff and there's Anita Writes, I do not want to do that. Not even for the money.

2. Privacy. Mine and everyone's.
The second participant was concerned about the privacy of people I meet. He felt that everyone I run into may want to sign a confidentiality agreement with me just so I don't feature them on the blog, even if I use pseudonyms. He emphasized that Nigerians are concerned about their privacy (you don't say) so they may not take too kindly to me putting down our interactions in a blog piece. I understood that but not sure I would follow that too. If you encounter a writer and she's in some way inspired by your interaction well, you take what you can get. Comedians feature their exes, girlfriends etc in their comedy acts, e.g., Kevin Hart. Not really sure why Nigerians are concerned about their privacy...but hmmm.

I keep thinking if Kim Kardashian can make a good living putting down her life for everyone to watch why can't I feature my life and make money from it. One thing my mum (of all people) has constantly remarked is this: You have an exciting life, Anita, you need to write about it. This was the same statement that made me start Anita Writes. So, since I have this "exciting" life (which has come to somewhat of a halt but will pick up soon enough) why can't I write about it? And if I do, would you be interested in reading about it? Would you escape everyday to reading details of my single gal adventures, or would you say, please she needs to shut up that's way too much information. Would you judge me - which I've realised is one thing Nigerians are so good at? Would I turn away the men folk? Would people be afraid to interact with me?

I want to hear from everyone. What do you want Anita Writes to focus on? What would make you read my blog? And if you read this entire update, you totally deserve a prize. Now, you know one reason why I've been nursing writer's block...I'm worried about my baby Anita Writes.

Birthday Tidings

It's the 20th.

Two entire weeks since my birthday. My first Anita Writes update for the month of June.

I don't know about you but inasmuch as I love birthdays, and trust me, I do, I just really wasn't feeling this one. There have been some in the past that I haven't "felt" but this one, I just didn't want it to happen. Wished I could postpone it. Don't you sometimes wish you could postpone your birthday? To a time when everything feels right - personally and professionally. But does that time ever really come? That time when you achieve that balance and nothing tips the scales, one in favor of the other.

Someone asked me to summarize the day and all I could think of was just - Love and Light. A lot of positive energy. And a lot of hugs. Hugs always help. Hugs are good. They're like an energy source from God. When you feel like your energy source is waning and you need someone, something to recharge your energy level, give it that boost, just then, I would bump into that one friend and he would give me that comforting, embracing and reassuring bear hug that says, "Do not despair, I'm here. Feel the love." His energy would quickly transfer onto mine and I would thus be energized enough to continue with the day.

Below are the best pictures of my solo adult birthday which was primarily spent at The InterContinental Hotel Lagos. I tried to find a place where single people could be celebrated (5 star treatment) and not denigrated or stared at for dining alone, sitting alone, or drinking alone on their birthday. And I chose the perfect place, from the picturesque views, to the international feel of the hotel to the classy ambiance. The staff was exceptionally welcoming and professional, not one of them stared at me or made me feel out of place.  The hotel is totally deserving of its five star rating. 

I dedicated that day to love and light and to finding that great source of energy that tells you, "Everything's Gonna be Alright."

To Another Year...

Stunning view of Lagos from the InterContinental Hotel Lagos

Free Appetizers courtesy of The InterContinental Hotel Lagos

One of many Margaritas

Buffet plate at Ekaabo Restaurant

Chicken Pepper Soup at Ekaabo Restaurant

My love energy crew

I loved the top hat on the bell hop at The InterContinental Hotel Lagos so I requested a picture

The Hamptons of Women

Watching Being Mary Jane and feeling her discomfort at being seated on the same table with her lover’s wife. I can so relate. At least she knows who the other woman is. And knowing her, and how intelligent, sophisticated and relatable she is, that causes her even more discomfort. 

If I had a man, would I want to know the other women he’s currently with? Certainly. I would love to know. I want to know how his mind works as far as it goes with the other women. Does he like intelligent, cerebral, mind-blowing powerful women that make you want to aspire to be like them? Or does he like to keep it hood, ghetto, granola or just plain ole down south and simple? Does his mind work that way? Does he feel most comfortable with women when they are 10 steps below him or 10 steps above him? Then, there are other physical attributes which I am never too concerned about. 

I feel like sex and companionship goes to the mind. When you schtupp someone you not only schtupp their body, you schtupp their mind, and if there’s no mind to escape into, get blown away by, you’re just schtupping the body, stuck on the physical and if that’s what turns him on, then, maybe he needs a different escape, a different way to get his high. Because schtupping a hot body with no brain, that’s just a temporal shallow high, that expresses his maturity level, or lack thereof. 

But I would most gladly want to know. Is he slumming with me or do I represent the “Hampton of Women” for him?  Is he shallow and craving the tight ass to rock his body high? Then, if he is, maybe, just maybe, I’m not using my mind to schtupp him right? Or maybe, he just hasn’t had his mind blown away with a good ole fashioned cerebral schtupp. 

In any case, I want to know what type of jungle I’m playing in...and every woman should, even if it does make us all a little uncomfortable. 

To Anita, On Her 41st Year

Wow. Another year.

As you get older once your birthday looms, you think of so many things, so many paths taken, not taken, so many decisions you should have stuck to but didn't have enough conviction. So many things...

On the day of, I tried not to think too much and tried to shake off any negativity, sourcing for healing and positive energy. I took a long walk in the misty rain and danced in the rain. I found myself thinking all through the walk, "Though it may seem like any other Saturday morning to you Anita, but today is different. It's my birthday." And that just added a little kick to my step. 

From there, I spent a considerable amount of time in church and just sat and meditated with the Lord. It gave me a sense of relief to be able to spend a much longer time than I would normally with the Lord on my birthday. 

The thing that struck me most about this birthday which I'll always remember is the calm and joy that I was able to summon to face the day in an environment and without the people I wanted to share it with. God brought love, joy and peace into my day and it's even reflected in the pictures of myself that I took that day. I just radiated positive love and light from the inside out - this is something I have been searching for constantly in my meditation. 

Granted there were moments I thought all the things I asked for to be present on my birthday did not quite make it to me. But I have good health and a few friends who spotted me a few bucks to splurge on dinner so that gave me cause to be joyous and thankful to God for His continuous presence in my life. 

There's this scene from the most unassuming movie Speed that often replays in my head. After the near death experiences that Keanu and Sandra have encountered in the bomb wired bus, he breaks down when he hears that his partner's been killed. This was their last attempt at escaping from the bus and with that shattered he just seemingly lost all hope. He has a fit and gently says to Sandra in a defeated tone: We're gonna die. 

And she replies softly: No, we're not. We've gone this far. 

So many times in my life, even before Nigeria, I've come to points where I've thought: "I'm not gonna make it."

But I hear God tell me: You are. You've come this far. 

I thought about that a lot when I assessed where I am in my life. Where I thought I'd be. How to get to where I want to be. The pitfalls, cruelty and profound loneliness I've experienced in the past year. The man trouble, oh all the  Negro trouble of the past year. It seemed daunting, hopeless almost. Like I had just passed through one of the most humiliating years in my life, and I was afraid that life might deal me something more. But then, I remembered Sandra's words, and thought, We're not gonna fail, because, we've come this far. There's no other way to go except forward. 

To the 41st year, I want to simply say Thank You. You didn't break us. We're still here. 

Some Random Friday Night in June

Happiness is getting that apology from your ex on a random Friday night 23 years later telling you that in loosing you he made the biggest mistake of his life. 

That moment you drive into that one bar just a few mere minutes after telling Negro to heave ho (for about the 20th time!) and as the parking attendant tells you to pull up you see his car parked in the lot. That moment you step into said bar with your girlfriend ready for a night of fun and debauchery to get over having to say goodbye (for about the 20th time!) and you see him chilling at the bar, sipping Hennessy. That look on his face when you walk in, what is it? Hmm... I believe the soundtrack for that is: The men all pause. 

That moment, an hour later, another ex walks into the room, this one from 20 or so years ago, and it makes you think, two exes in one bar at the same damn time. "Wow, okay, I guess I had fun in my youth." Who woulda thunk it? Which one of them do I try to make jealous? That moment when the night with all its twists, turns, curveballs, multiple exes in one dimly lit room, plus other potential suitors, oddball events, all that just ends up being one of the most fun adventurous nights you've had all year. All those moments put together, I simply call happiness.

The men all paused, they did really pause, not kidding. You shoulda seen it. It was indeed a priceless moment. Ended the night with coffee, cigarettes and laughter. But all love. Always all love. 

Life's Fears -- The Poem

I spent a year and a half looking for this poem I wrote circa 2001. It's not a very good poem. It's one of my early ones. I was on this site called Themestream and it paid per click, each time people clicked on your story as it accumulated they would pay you for it. So I had to get to writing then to garner readers. This was one of my most popular poems on my page. A publisher even asked to add it to his anthology of poems. This was so long ago.

Anyway, so when I switched computers and took down my site, and of course Themestream shut down, I just couldn't locate this poem. I went through this journal, Diaryland (yes I had one of those too), and then, finally last night I went through each update on my Livejournal blog (yes, I had that one too. I'm pathetic) before I could find it. So having multiple journals on the web does have it's advantages. It's like a storage facility in the sky (cloud!). I just missed the poem. It's simplistic and predictable but, it's mine and it's an original. 

LIFE'S FEARS
Are you afraid of life?
Of the timidity of one’s soul
The harshness of one’s heart
The quiver of every beat
And the tenderness of the mind’s hurt
That is, thus but scary.
Like the lightness and brightness
Has vanished ever so rapidly
This is the true nature of life
And that is why,
We should all be afraid
Be very afraid.

 

Are you afraid of life?
Afraid to wonder to which direction it leads
And to which ark it hits its point
At what time will we hang our hats?
And stop to smell the flowers of nature
To give that stray hand
To everyone who lacks one?
And kiss the wind
For blowing away the tears of pity
That is… the end point of life
So let us not be afraid
Not even a little bit.