I think one of the main reasons I don't have any readers is due to the fact that I never correlate my entries. One minute I am saying one thing and the next it's another, you'd think this journal is written by different people.

Well, it is indirectly. By my various alter egos. The happy, forlorn, quixotic, mysterious me.

I am a weird person. One minute I can be so mad at somebody that I don't want to hear or let alone speak that person's name from my lips and the next, maybe give me a few weeks after the annoying infuriating incident, I would have completely forgotten what it was that infuriated me to start with.

Take for instance, we all know what happened between me and former place of work and annoying power drunk boss, who felt the need to offer me the "big fuck you" before I could give it to her. Well, today Kaui asks me, "So why did you quit your job?"

And I am at a loss for words. I begin to wonder, so what was it that made me want to leave that place in the first place? He asks again, inquisitively, and I forced to answer, mutter, "Well, remember the power-drunkenness I talked about, well, that's what." Innocently. Instead of the PG-13 reply I had in mind: The bloody assholes got power drunk and were biting on my whazzit, that's the hell what happened.
But I guess, maybe it just means I am all forgiving much too easily. I shudder to think that I may not be as angry towards my boss if ever I get faced with her again as I felt like 2 weeks ago.

I forgive her.

Working today with Kaui was a love/hate thing. I don't know, sometimes he gets me so mad and I want to say, "Hey, you're in my bad books now." But then something reminds me that, "You're supposed to be having some sort of crush on this man, so really that's not the way to act." Today, I think something in my wall was let down momentarily letting him into a smidget of the feelings I may have for him. He let it out when he said, "You must look forward to this weekly chit-chats we have in my office, where you can harass me about nothing."

I just shook my head. Innocently. I have no idea what he is talking about. And then, minutes later, he goes to shoosh me from his office. So from then on, I ignore him, but would he let it go, no he wouldn't. He then launches into a vivid description of what he spent his Spring Break on.

Skiing in Utah.

I could slap that man for having so much fun. Without me it gets even worse.

But that only sealed the deal for me. We were not meant to be, the stars have him in for another, and hopefully me for another.

Therefore, I shall no longer bore you all with my post-teenage fascination with the man who is of some authority over me. I shall quench it down now with a good bottle of lager, and kiss it off as one of those things.

I have like a 100 emails I have to reply to but I am too lazy to type them up but when it comes to updating my journals, I just start to type all my gibberish. In't that weird, that I make time and energy for this stupid journals?

I found this article about the same time the "freakish work thing" happened. It was during that week when my mind was asking, "what the fuck am I doing here?" I went through a lot of emotional turmoil before that final outburst took place that saved the day. I don't think I shall go through that same emotional groove in my new job maybe because I have semi-learnt my lesson, and well, I want to maintain a good work record no matter the odds.


The article:

A basic fact of life is that when we make certain commitments to ourselves, the truest test of our strength isn't only based on the initial step, but rather the strength of our endurance to see those commitments through till the end and to get the most out of our experiences while they're happening. The whole of the big picture requires certain sacrifices and those sacrifices play an integral part on making the final destination worth every step.

How true it is...

I'm at home sick. I couldn't go into work today---and NO, it's not because Kaui is on vacation and I suspect maybe he is on his honeymoon right about now---I am just ill, my head feels heavy and my eyes feel sore and my nose is all runny.

I had this long ass post about how people in this country hardly do anybody any favors but I am too tired to type it up. I mentioned it to my sister last night and she was said, that was too much of a generalized staement, but it is a fact.

Ever since I moved into this country, (some 2 years ago) everyone I've asked, including my own family, to help me go out of their way to help me, has had a NO given to me in response.

Can you give me a ride? NO
Can I get a cell phone? NO, you do not have credit.
Can I order this stuff with your credit card and pay you cash? NO
Can you help me get a connection on the inside to get a job? NO
I am calling about the ad at...? NO, the position has been filled.
Can I get a car? NO, you have to have credit, and insurance and a host of other bullshit things I really don't want to talk about
I could go on and on...I can actually quite remember the times people have said YES more than they've said NO.
Or sometimes, they go with the, "I can't make you any promises" bullshit line and run out on you. Fucking lunatics.

There is always something, some sub clause, some restriction, some bullshit reason, some background specification. Yes, where I come from if you wanna buy a car, you take your cash walk into the showroom and buy the fucking car you want and walk out with it, drive it home with you. Don't you wish buying a car was that easy here?

Now, I know why there is a heavy rate of suicides, nobody gives a shit about anyone here. All they care about is themselves and the Law that has made life here so rigid that I wonder where exactly does the "free country" term fit in.

Yesterday, I was semi stranded so I call this girl I work with to give me a ride, considering that she lives so close to where I work, is much younger than me and said she had a fight with her ex, I figured it wouldn't be a problem, we could hang out, and have some girly shat to soothe her pain. She said NO, of course, (well she used the no promises bullshit line) that she'd rather go fight some more with her ex than get words of wisdom from her new older friend, that is me.

I have resigned my fate that, yes, I may take the red pill at some point and move to some other country which through research shows that the people love each other genuinely, this one isn't for me, I maintain that view. I give it until the end of this year and if I don't make any real friends, or people are not as forthcoming as life and love expects them to be, then there is no point hoping for a miracle.

I can't live without love, without the love of friendship, without the love of sacrifice from one's friends, family and sometimes foes. It is not life, this can't be living,I'd much rather die than live like this. This is all too pretentious love-dovey for me.

Note: This is one of those posts, I really don't want to get a response on, I just want everyone to just sit back and think about it everytime they say NO to anything they could have said YES to.

I saw "Hardball" last night. You know the baseball movie with Keanu Reeves and a bunch of kids in it. It was my Easter present to myself. Sat in front of the TV in my room with a cold Fosters, and the rewind button.

The result:

I just want to say that everyone involved in making that movie deserves to be blasted.


The kids were such horrible actors. I know they picked unknowns and taught them a little acting but geez! could they pick unknowns that could ACT by any chance.

The screenplay sucked gas, at a point you start to wonder, "oh where is this pathetic loser storyline going now?"

And then, the director, I feel like dragging him to NYFA with me. He doesn't deserve to direct a wide production movie, he should probably try some independent stuff a lot and only when he's mastered it, can we let him direct stars like Keanu. A heroic feel-good baseball movie should not be left in the hands of amateurs.

Then, Keanu's acting. I have to flaw him. Sometimes I feel like locking him up in a room with young good actors like Edward Norton, Ethan Hawke, Brad Pitt, Don Cheadle, etc just so he can know which fucking depth he should reach into when he plays emotional roles. Sometimes, I think his spine is cut off, he doesn't feel, or loosen up as much as I would expect him to and then he keeps falling for this pathetic loser screenplays (Sweet November) just to come up short on the emotional content department.

However, I can't flaw him too much. Gotta give my big ups to a white man reciting Biggie's lyrics.

"Throw yer hands in the air, and who's a true playa....I see some ladies tonight who should be having my baby, baby."

That scene should go down in Keanu history books as just incredulous.


But the movie did have its perks. I dreamt about him all night. So instead of waking up alone and horny like has normally been the case every fucking day for 2 years, I woke up simultaneously horny and sitting on his thighs, asking him to make love to me.

His reply was simple: Gladly
I guess that was my April's Fool.