it's about him (Keanu) so look away

Finally we agree on something...something that I know about. This is from some UK magazine: ARENA, and I like how he openly adores Kill Bill and picked out the superb, unique qualities from the action sequences just the way I did or experienced while watching. And he wasn't afraid to gush about the heroism deep-set in the movie. A true movie fan.

I hate reading Keanu articles, it puts you in this place and you just wish it was a journey you needn't go.

Lastly, I'm curious to know what you made of Kill Bill?

I thought that Uma Thurman kicked some motherfucking ass. I thought she was awesome in that. All the acting was great. He took every great cinematic...it was almost like watching a fan, someone who really appreciated and enjoyed certain aspects of the genre. he just pumped it up to some incredible level.

That fight scene with Uma and Lucy Liu's henchmen reminded me of you and all the Agent Smiths.

Yeah, I guess, but he's doing his own thing. The way that he pumped up the blood, the massacre! He's so good editorially, he's great at tension, at creating pockets of heroism. It's almost like pornography. You know how pornography is really great, but sometimes you feel dirty?

Right, and it's uncomfortable watching porn for two hours straight.

Yeah...and that scene, when the kid is coming home from school? The editing in that, the confrontation between the violence and what is normal, innocence and the loss...he consumes everything, his films are fun, but ...I don't know what they mean. I'm a romanticist. It's not that I need a happy ending, but I do need some sort of restoration, getting out from the traps of life.

DO YOU KNOW ME?

I get bored with life, with my environment, and my tasks so easily. It's part of being a Gemini but it's also an inherent uniqueness in me that I just get bored with everything around me so quickly that I am just seeking to transcend into another set of activities.

These days my apartment is quiet and I am bored with it. It always used to be that way and that is exactly what I wanted when I decided to move out on my own but now, I am sick of that quiet. I come home and sit on my couch and watch TV and end up making comments about the shows to myself. Isn't that sick? Like I am so lonely I have to start talking to myself.

Then, work. I have been bored with work from the moment I got here. I don't do anything, yesterday I did nothing and I actually liked it. I made a few calls, filed a couple of stuff but all in all it was 30% of my usual capacity of work in a day. Now, today I haven't made one call, I have taken one call but I quickly dismissed the lady so I can go online and surf.

Then to my online habitat. I am bored with that too. My writing seems so minute to me. I am not inspired by any truth or untruth or in anything that is worth telling of on paper. Though I browse on here multiple times at work and I don't feel the need to put down a message or one other. Then I decided to do a sweep through the random feature to get some new friends but that only brought up people that write in French, Russian or whatnot.

It is so bad that not even Keanu's movie opening next week can shake me up. It's feels sorta like "Okay, another confusing turn at the Matrix lodge." Worse off since I saw a clip of him and Agent Smith flying in the air as they fought. What is that...cue me in...what is that?

I may go see Meg Ryan in that movie In The Cut this weekend. I need to see some good old fashioned R rated stuff, with skin, swear words and crime scenes just like they used to make it back in the days of Seven and The Fight Club. Nowadays, every movie is so afraid of being risque. Let's see if that will put a jolt through me. Or maybe not.

I just wanted to say...I am fine. I just needed to express the nothingness inside me and vent freely. And I actually used the "down" time to build some storyboards inside my head for the Simple series. Now, if they could make it on paper, that is another thing.

Rejection in all its Glory

Rejection, anyway you look at it, no matter how many times it occurs to you, hurts. It hurts like a motherfucker. It's as if someone rammed a syringe through your heart and injected it with acid, and within time, the acid lets your heart implode inside you into minute burning pieces and you just feel like vomiting the bits of it that are broken, but you can't. You just have to suck it in, ingest it and let it consume you and hopefully you can find the strength to forget it and move on.

Rejection, be it the rejection from a job interview--that job that you really really wanted and you went out of your way to go for the interview and then, weeks after you don't hear a word and then, Bam! the "Unfortunately we cannot hire you" paragraph begins and you just lose it. Or it could simply be just another job opportunity that you were considering, a better career move, or a loan application, or the good old fashioned rejection from a loved one, from a crush, or worse off from, someone you don't like who thinks you like him so he feels the need to reject you even before you reject him. Or another worse take on it, it could be from the "you have been pre-approved" credit card people letting you know you've been pre-approved for a credit card so it gives you the need to apply and when you do, they actually have the nerve to tell you that you've been rejected. Fuckers! why did you ask me to apply then, you did ask when you said, O% APR and all the you've been pre-approved crap. Fucking idiots.

I just can't find a logic good enough to help me build a wall around it. It hurts every time, even though I am half-expecting it, even though I believe something that can't kill you will make you stronger, even though I know that the glass is half-full, every time it occurs I just wanna hit my head on a wall, or just stand somewhere and scream so loud it deafens me. I just feel like driving my car somewhere far far away abandoning everything that has meaning, doing something erratic and introspectively meaningful to me, to go to another state or to some other place, somewhere that I can fail silently and shamelessly. Just to fall off from everyone's critical list and to become that great wall of hopeless confusion.

Needless to say I got some kind of rejection letter today. It was both the ignore you rejection and the polite "stop sending us your resume because we are not interested" rejection. It hurt like a motherfucker. I just remember Keanu's last interview where he told the reporter: "When people say everything happens for a reason, that sticks in my craw." True because there is no reason for the kind of hardship that life has dealt me, I went to school, I put in my two cents, I was a good student, I love hard work and I crave excellent results, so why is this not all falling into place for me. Why do people find it so easy to tell me, NO, when they can quite easily tell me, Yes.

What is the reasoning behind all this that I can't comprehend?

I am going to stop now before I start to cry...

I pray that this is a good week for me. I ask the Lord for patience and will to do a good job. I ask that He protects me from all dangers and leads me through the path of righteousness. I pray that the things I know and the things I understand and accept as the Lord's teaching shall become a huge part of my well-being and my ideals. I pray that the Lord is with me in everything that I do. I pray for peace, for His gentle hand to the place we seek and for everything else Lord, I pray that you shall remember me when you give out your blessings.

In Jesus name I pray.

Amen.

Here's to the last week of October.

so many bits to me

There are so many bits and pieces of my thoughts that I want to put on here. But whenever I log on I lose the inspiration or I am rushing to read my email and do a whole bunch of other stuff I really shouldn't be doing online.

I did it to myself 3 nights in a row this weekend. And my face looks like it's glowing. My breakouts cleared and the tenseness vanished. I was actually nursing a smirk. Can you imagine if it was the real thing...but I doubt the real thing can go three nights in a row and achieve excellent results every time. I never think about him when I am doing that, I think other things, bad things, he is the good part of me, the calm reflective side, even if his face, his eyes come into my thoughts for a second while I am at it, I just try to block it away so it wouldn't ruin the mood. Seriously. He is the good side, the angelic side of me. Maybe that's why this feels different. The fact that it is not sexual at all. More like medication.

However back to the thoughts I want to write down. I have made a list of them. Tidbits from his interview in Details, Quentin's interview in Rollingstone, Lucy liu's interview in Jane, and just my general dysfunctional thought process.

Last night to get me into the spirit of Shelia and everything else in between I tried to read some of my old stuff. I just couldn't. I got bored and went on the web to surf for gossip. Why do I get bored with my own story when I should be its no. 1 advocate. If I get bored think what the general population feels like.

I shall write these stuff down someday before it becomes stale thought process. I shall write it.

We shall talk again, I promise.

I sleep so much these days. It's 11 pm on a Friday night and I am sleepy. I just want to go to bed and sleep till early morn, but my upstairs neighbor is blasting her TV and I am not about to do that right now, besides she is supposed to be out and about, and I am sure she is under the assumption that I am out and about, and I am secretly wishing that I am. But I am not. When you get older it's like there is nothing else to do...go to a play, I did that. Go to a club, I already did that and badly too. Then, there's a long list of stuff, the only thing I didn't get enough of is.... London. Sex, I did, I made you think for a minute that I was going to say sex, no, that I did, as much as I wanted to.

This is funny cos last week, we had the birthday lunch for two members of staff. The guy that just joined felt the need to open up at lunch after just one glass of chardonnay. Anyway, the topic once again fell to me and my lack of sex, men and everything they come with. I said I didnt feel there was a lack in my life of men, sex, etc. I felt it would disrupt my concentration. I would be thinking about him all the time and in between that I would forget what it was I was to do at work or otherwise. Everybody begged to differ. However, the guy turned to me and said, "when I first started working here, I thought you were a virgin."

I gasped. Me a virgin. I sneakered. "No," I said in response. "I've been around the block," I replied with no shame whatsover.

Back then, the people that knew me, knowing I had "been around the block" would feel that I should have some shame, some dignity, or self-respect for myself. But now, the new me, knowing that I have shirked that so much that it is non-existent, to the extent that I am thought of as a "virgin," I have no shame in confessing that. Yes, I had torrid affairs and what have you...but that was the old me.

It's the weekend I should be doing something with myself.

smoldering eyes

smoldering look on the cover has me talking to it when I walk into the house. I smirk and wonder aloud: Am I actually talking to a magazine, every nerve in me wishes it was the real thing I could walk in on, and the real thing would ask: so how was your day, did you make a killing?
fine, now can we fuck so i don't have to think about it?

Now, you know why I am in need of a pet.

Comments section is missing

During my hiatus, I dreamt that I got a pet. A little puppy dog.

I think it stemmed from the fact that my boss brought her dog into work the other day and everyone was dotting on the meangie thing. I remember telling her when she got it that it is the lonely woman's companion, along with a book and the telly. A good pet. Every single person in this neighborhood has one. Then, in my dream, they told me to make all these payments to the apartment complex, to upgrade my status from the non-pet having to the new pet haver. The amount of additonal money I had to pay was enormous, but I still wanted to keep the pet. I dont know what that dream says about me. All I can tell you is--I do not want a pet, I can talk to it but it won't talk back. And then, I'll have some thing to look after, it's hard enough looking after this great big apartment that I have to constantly make sure it's clean, linear, and wonderfully decorated but then, a living thing.

I wanted to respond to my former entry. Unbeknownst to me, I had expressed similar views on a previous post. I had no idea that I had, and me not wanting to screen myself I didn't think it would be reasonable to edit it. But it is repetitive to have to read through double doses of me whining about one adorable man. However, even though I am acknowledging the fact that this is my journal and I have the right to say whatever it is I want--albeit repetitive--I just wanted to point out to anyone out there who may just be bumping into this stupidity for the first time.

--yes, I do think real thoughts--about the starving children the world over and what we can do to save them. Yes, it is overwhelming when you think the world is consumed with hate, and hypocrites that judge you at every instance.

--yes, sometimes I would like to believe that stuff happens for a reason and sometimes no matter how hard my philosophical bullshit brain thinks about it, I may not come up with a reason, none whatsoever. Sort of makes you wonder, so why the fuck did it happen, and why did it have to happen to me, why now, why at this time?

I think it is at these moments when I am consumed with all these riddles of life that my poor hapless self cannot change that I bask in the "stupidity" of a hopeless longing for an unattainable dream. And I wonder, how did I get here? How did my brain get so sapped of everything eloquent?

The dog maybe a good idea.

Sometimes I am under the illusion that if I don't write on here long enough that someone will actually notice me missing and then send out an APB and wonder, "What has become of the great mind of Anita? I miss her sombre reflective notes." But no one does.

I have been battling a mixture of feelings since I wrote in here, too multiple to put down on paper. It's somewhat a mixture of being strapped for ideas, and being elated beyond words, and feeling want for more inspiration and having to search for a concise way to put this all down without sounding too complex. Also, I have been on a "career" hunt. yes. That is always an emotional rollercoaster because it makes you question yourself, your inadequacies, and wonder why someone is putting a mirror to them for you.

And in some ways, I have been Keanu-ified, if that is a word. I bought this horrid bootleg book that is supposed to be biographical called The Keanu Matrix. And being that it is Matrix season again, I am bombarded with him everywhere, on every talk show, article, website, every piece of media. Then, my own want and lust for him, and my insecurities and distress that this is one of those far-fetched dreams that defies all the odds known to man come gaping at me begging for a resolution.

Everytime I hear him say, "I want to be in a relationship, I want to be happy in a relationship, I just want to be happy." It calls to mind my own thoughts as it voices them completely and more concisely than I have been able to in my 2 years of writing this journal. And it makes me think, he wants what I want, except I want something in addition, which is him, and that I know I can never have, and perhaps this is the deep set reason for my displeasure with my life, with this world, with every situation I have been put in, that there is a lid to the things I can't have, and he epitomizes it.

We'll talk some more, some other time.

st. anger

Sometimes I think maybe the cause of my deepset anger and disdain at the world is the fact that the things I really really want out of life I may never get. And there isn't anything I can do about it.

I want Keanu, I really want him. I need his company and his person, I know it will be good for me, I am sure it will be good for me. It may complete that side of me that is forever yearning, searching, wondering, and it will ease the blur in me and quench the fueled anger. But I know I can never get that. Even though I know he needs to be with someone just as much as I need to be with someone and have been for the past three years, I know we are not God's gifts to each other, he is someone else's and I may never be anyone else's I shall continue to live my mundane life in regret, in anger that this one thing I want I could never get.

maybe that's why I am so angry. Maybe that's why when people ask me are you disappointed with life, I just stare at them, aghast unable to put my finger on it. Maybe this is why...it hurts a heck of a whole lot.

it is my life

I haven't written in a while because it hasn't been good at all.

Work has been the shits and I've been so afraid to write it in here. My boss and the other attorney actually had one of those sit down let us shit you out talks with me and since then, maybe it is my paranoia, but things have not been so good at all. I keep seeing everyone gather together, whispering to themseleves, involved in gist that doesn't concern me. And I just think maybe they are waiting it out before they gently let me go away from this misery into more misery. It's been trying and to the extent I do not know what to feel, good, bad, or just scared, disappointed in my self, something that I felt, I was so cold when it all happened that I missed my writing class on Wednesday and I have felt as if I am walking on pins and needles ever since.

My brother came. I feel bad that he is seeing me go through all this. But his visit is helping me get through this. He's spent sometime with me at home and it's been good for me. But when the week runs out and I know he is going back soon and I am going to have to continue with this panic, it scares me.

I shan't talk too much about it. Let me end it here, I just hope it gets better.

Lord please let me have a good week, let thy powers of thine enemy, the tools that they have fashioned against me, let it be destroyed by your Holy Grace O lord! I ask that you shall teach me patience and humility and I ask that you teach me perserverance even when the instruments are trying. I ask that you protect and make me strong against anything that shall be set before me. I pray that your mercy and miracles prevails over all else. Amen!

I had a very very peaceful slumber last night considering that I had tumultous day. Must have been the good dinner maybe.

Any slumber that involves Keanu, me and his hands in bed has got be a good dream. I could feel his hands all over me. I was watching him play and he just took over the crowd with his guitar in that Led Zeppelin sorta way. I kept seeing little glimpses of him here and there, so clear it was almost unreal.

I stirred round about 5 am wondering: Is this for real? And why did awaken? And smirking to myself at how good that felt.

I just thought I'd write that down...