From My Younger Self...

 

Pedigreed Unions

I understand now why women base relationships on transactional exchange. 

Exchange of time and sex for financial aid. It’s that simple. There’s no point in dating someone and having to deal with their nuances, their frequent sexual demands and eccentricities and then, going back to struggle to pay your bills. Pay my bills, so I can have the clarity of mind to give you and your idiosyncrasies my full attention.

It’s a simple exchange. Particularly, if you have no emotional attachment to that person. Where it gets tricky and even harder to enact is where you have some feelings for this person, then you feel bad for them having to shelve out money for you constantly. You willingly want to hang out with them. You want to deal with their nuances and may even want the sex just as much as he does. Nevertheless, this should not distract you from the cause. Feelings in relationships I have come to realize are for "losers" (for lack of a better word.) 

We are not trained to be merciful in this world of relationships. Men marry for pedigree, for women who look good on paper, never, very rarely for love. So you, my dear, should most certainly learn to date for transactional reasons, for certain relief from those goddamned bills. And when your pedigree is relatively elevated, if you happen to be single, then, some nice chap is just gonna show up and intently want to marry you. You could be the woman who treats him the worst out of all the women that he’s dated. You could be the one who offers him the worst type of sex or even none at all. Nevertheless, he will for sure want to dedicate his time, suppressing all else, to ensure that you marry him because for him, a merger of your lives, with your increased pedigree, would certainly boost his subpar one, personally and professionally.

Here I am struggling financially.

My most recent lover is just ignoring that need. He did smart for himself by marrying someone with wonderful pedigree - looks good on paper and in person, too. Now, his life is considerably and exceedingly boosted. His social status is heightened, leading to an increase in personal and professional contacts. And his calendar is loaded and vibrant particularly at Christmastime with social events, weddings, milestone birthdays in the middle of the week, etc. He just relishes in being one part of the "IT" power couple around town.

If he had married me, this would so not have been the case. No pedigree. No marriage. We probably could have both been struggling to pay our rent. If I had boosted mine somewhat when I was younger by entertaining gentleman callers who would dole out funds for me to lavish myself in gifts, purses, shoes, random trips to Dubai (which I have never been to by the way) I would have soon become THE IT GIRL. Then, the prospect of marrying me, despite our issues, (my temper matched with his is more ravenous than the LA fires), would have seemed somewhat enticing as we would seem like a good match, worthy of being part of the power couple he had envisioned. He would introduce me as, my wife who is... (then reel out my different accolades), and I would snicker, proud of those accolades, and this introduction would occur at every event, every dinner party, every social function. We would be the perfect match.

What’s so damning about this whole thing, well two things.

1. He had mentioned this to me in passing. As a recent divorcee, he had returned from a wedding and seemed pensive. When asked, he muttered, that in his next marriage he would be more "strategic" with his choice. I never really understood what he meant by the use of the word, “strategic.” 

2. I also distinctly remember his Christmases, even his weekends, when he was a brooding divorcee. His calendar certainly wasn’t this booked and busy. There were functions here and there but mainly to scope out the talent, so to speak. And that talent eventually showed up, I suppose.

All this is to say, people no longer marry for love. Marriages are to create a union for socio-economic reasons. They may get to “like” each other but love is not the catalyst. Love is actually just a point on the richter scale.

For one, you’re given more respect as a married person than as a single one. For another, if done strategically, it boosts your social life and also opens you up to more economic ventures, like a joint venture where you can stand your partners. There may be some couples who genuinely love each other, and there may be some who understandably do not. Either party or both could be having an affair but as long as that power couple union is intact, for optical reasons, their reputation in society as the IT COUPLE remains intact, without blemish.

If you’re a young person reading this…you have been advised. Don’t be like me, looking to find love. You’ll just be on the sidelines, struggling to pay your rent while your exes have formed part of society’s hottest couples, enjoying the hashtag CoupleGoals.

This may all well be true or I may just be a jealous very broke ex.

Anita Writes at The American Bar, The Savoy

 

One of my most favorite Bar experiences occurred during my last trip to London in 2020 (which seems like eons ago now). 

It was unplanned and it was a wonderful treat. I was spending my day otherwise when I came across this bar at The Savoy London. I was scheduled for a viewing of the play, 9-5 at the Savoy Theatre. However, due to some last minute lockdown notices, it was cancelled. With so much time on my hands, I decided to do the next best thing, pop round to the hotel to see what type of activity I could use to pass the time. 

Unbeknownst to me the hotel had this popular renowned bar, aptly called The American Bar that is known for their award-winning cocktails and bartenders. It was a dark mahogany themed old Hollywood looking bar with a jazz piano lounge singer and a very charming courteous waitstaff. Based on this intro, you already know the vibe sets the mood for some grown up cocktails, and discussions. 

I had my usual grown lady drink, a Manhattan. Even though it cost almost £14 for one drink served in the teeniest of cocktail glasses that you can gulp down with one solid gulp, the drink was solid. One of the best Manhattans I've ever had. When I have them in Lagos, they always taste sour, with a bitter aftertaste that boasts that something in the liqueur is not fresh or has gone bad. But this one was smooth, smoky and earthy, you could tell the whiskey was aged perfectly. It came with some fresh nuts and a glass of water to douse the alcohol's intensity. In Lagos, you would have to pay for the water and specifically request for the nuts.

Something about sitting there, soaking it all in, sipping that very expensive cocktail while listening to the jazz piano made me feel so grown. It was way above budget for me at that time and still is with the Forex towering over our local currency. But I thought, when next will I get this opportunity? How often do we get to do this, live in this moment, occupy this space and time, how often? So I ordered another one just so it doesn't live as a fleeting moment in my life instead as something I would savor, until the next trip to London. 

If you're reading this from London, have a cocktail (or two) at The Savoy on my behalf.

 

Nigerian Identity in Question

Had written the spirited post below meant for LinkedIn after a typical weekend in Nigeria where nothing works. You deal with the stupidity of an oil-rich talented country that is eternally frustrating and then you scroll through LinkedIn and it's filled with achievements, accolades and laurels. How accomplished can one truly be if nothing works in this country?

What is it about Nigeria that things do not get better they just get progressively worse. 

And I'm saying this to you all as you're all in reasonable positions of power. 

Y'all come on here and talk about the good you're doing at your jobs, etc but still STILL things do not get any better in Nigeria they seemingly and regrettably get worse. 

So, please ask yourself is what I'm doing in my little corner of Nigeria aimed at making us better or just selfishly making me better. 

Because if it's just to give you bragging rights then that's regressing us even further. 

What is it about Nigeria as a Nigerian asking anyone in Nigeria that identifies as Nigerian, what is it about us that it is not getting better but it is getting excruciatingly worse?

 

To be a Nigerian is to understand what motivates Nigerians. Who are they and why do they act the way they do?

I certainly do not understand the motivation.

That's why when people ask me if I am Nigerian, I pause and contemplate the ask. Because it goes beyond ancestry to acceptance of culture. I know that I don't subscribe to their school of thought, to their lavishness. Simplified, I do not "identify" with Nigerians. And there should be a category for us in life who do not clearly identify with our birthplaces or ancestry.

Thoughts on Christmas/New Years as a Mature Singleton

Had a very lonesome Christmas festive season celebration.

For the first time I actually appreciated what they said about Christmas being somewhat of a lonely period for some people. Well, not the 1st, the 2nd time, the 1st time was when I turned 40 (coincidence there) and I had recently returned to Nigeria. I assumed 10 years later I would have better, more communal Christmases such as we had when we were kids, filled with friends, family and neighborhood parties. Everyone is an adult now and some more important adults than others. They all have their niche networks that invite them out, so they go out and don’t invite anybody, like an elite bunch the lot of them. As the years have worn on I have noticed this trend but then I had a job so that afforded me the solo outings that gave me a measure of fun. I did a staycation a few times for New Years', did nightclubs, loads of solo dinners, just did me -  Single Gal fun.

However, this year I can barely stay afloat, let alone take in a cost-intensive festive celebration. Got a couple of handouts from people to celebrate Christmas but that was still insufficient. There’s something about the festive period that literally saps all your money. It makes you want to go out to be part of the fun that you can literally hear from your windows and once you’re outside, the outside takes over. By the time they slip you the check you start wondering, but I was only here for 2 hours, what if I had stayed longer, what would the bill have been? Cost-intensive.

As the handouts quickly disappeared I decided it was in my best interest to just stay home and cook dinner, eat it in front of the TV and sip my cheap wine. Kept hoping someone would invite me out so they would cover the bill, but that never happened. It never happened.

At some point I started getting pissed (and somewhat envious, or FOMO'd), at what everyone was celebrating really. 2024 was not a particularly good year. Generally for everyone it was financially draining. We all assumed that there’d be a more subdued festivity this year but instead it was crazier than I’ve ever seen it. People were crashing out of nightclubs with N92M bills that were recorded on social media for maximum effect. In all that merriment, I was sat at home in front of my TV, sipping my cheap wine and mumbling to myself.

You quickly realize the people that have you in mind at times like that, people that appreciate you or want you in their presence and in my case, not a lot of people do. When you isolate that thought it sinks into the psyche of your self-worth and solidifies how downright depressive and non-celebratory the festive season can be.

Perhaps, if I were someone important (with a cushy job, status family, or maybe someone prettier, younger, intriguing or someone who gave up the booty) it would have made a difference, and since I am not (either of those things), this was my Christmas for the 10th time in Nigeria.