On Mel Gibson and The Passion's Incredible Weekend:

Amidst the controversy the movie opened big, I was shocked to get to the theaters to see something totally unrelated and pass the lines outside waiting to see the movie. It's not an original movie, it is culled from the greatest book ever written, the Holy Bible. A book that lies on nightstands all over hotel rooms but we just ignore it and act as if it is not there. Then, they make a movie about Christ's life and it's an Epic film, with a dash of controversy. Why wasn't it controversial on your nightstand, why is it so on film?

For someone who loves Mel true and true. I have to give my opinion on some of these issues.

I think he has a strong spirit and fights for what he believes in. I am mostly moved by the fact that he (being all Hollywood) chose a topic so un-Hollywood to produce write and direct. Truly all the scripts now are beginning to read like Gigli. It's good to see something that preaches to people and will hopefully make them love one another more. WE NEED THAT NOW! The world is getting so MEAN!! Kids getting abducted, people investing in war as if it was some kind of Russian Roulette, and just the simple things like road rage, you can just tell we've lost sight of things that matter. We need to feel and connect with the people around us and Jesus is that one person that connects us all no matter how different we may all pretend that we are.

And then there are other things like all the obstacles that were thrown against him and how he fought for his vision to be seen and shared on screen. If it were I, I would have given up and sent it to video. I just read the story about the distribution companies turning him down and a little company staff of 5 people agreed to it. The fact that it is a hit and he made his money back only shows what miracles God can pull through his hat for you when you believe.

I am not going to see the movie. I do believe I have cable for a reason. But then, you have to understand some people don't have the privilege of reading the book, or they see the book and just "run" from that privilege. Like Joan Rivers said tonight: For those who've seen the movie, please don't tell me the ending.

two and a half cents on Mel.

And with that I offer my prayer for the week:

I thank God for this week. I am grateful that this moment has come and that I prayed and trusted that it would come even though I was discouraged and distracted along the way. I ask that God lead me safely into this new untested land I am about to embark on. I ask that it be simple, challenging, and illuminating, opening my eyes to a different hopefully better world. I pray I am not disappointed and that God helps me become the better person who's fought this battle for uncountable number of months. I also pray for my sister, for God's guidance and protection. That He give her speedy recovery and lead her away from the jaws of danger. I ask for God's blessings for my family, my life, and my world as we slowly try to progress into a better world.

Well, the last day went on withuot a hitch. No tears, no frills, no unneccesary hugs, nothing, and as Traceroo suggested, I didn't look back lest I turn into a pillar of salt. I wish them the best of luck and I'd send my boss a Thank You Card next week. She took a chance on me to hire me when everyone was sceptic because I had no experience whatsoever.

One of them asked me, "Are you excited?"

"Yes, and a little scared and worried but then, God is in control, right?"

And then the snide comments stopped just like that replaced by good luck and chants of Don't forget about us.

I took myself out to dinner to celebrate this milestone day in my life. I didn't get fired, I was not thrown out, I left of my own freewill. Sometimes in a sucky job you hope that would be your fate and I thank God it was mine.

As was taught to us in grade school: Upward Ever Backward Never.

On to the other news, I have my nieces for the weekend. Okay, time to hide the porn tapes, kinky pictures, condoms, pills etc. How possible is it for me to create a kid-friendly fun environment in such short notice.

I keep thinking today is Thursday but it's not, it's Wednesday and I often feel sad when I remind myself, no, it's not Thursday, it's Wednesday. I don't have big plans for Thursdays I just want this week to be over with already. What with the traffic and the weather, and the work drama and the anxiety inside me knowing that after this week I don't have to deal with bankrupt people and their incessant requests again, just that makes me want to sail by this week, ASAP.

Those were my last words yesterday just before I fel asleep glum and exhausted. But I remember catching the news and Glenn Burns saying a winter weather was headed our way. I mumbled something like, "Please God let it snow, please."

6 am the receptionist calls me, and yes, it did snow and we don't have to go into work, my boss reluctantly caved in and gave us this snow day indoors.

You know why I like Thursdays now, cos good stuff often happens on Thursdays. Good stuff.

The first snow day in 2 years.

It's a Thursday and I am home. Nothing's felt this good in a long time.

My co-workers are giving me the bad rap because I turned in my notice. I don't know if its a mix of jealousy or just recourse that I snubbed them and went on to another opportunity. It's just an icy bad blood (playa hating) atmosphere at work right now.

Their statements are pre-empted with stuff like:

"Why are you so excited about this new boring job you got."
"That job is gonna be over in a month."
"They are gonna work you like crazy."
"Those white people over there are gonna snub you. You'll never fit in."
"You know you'd be back here soon enough, once they get you answering those phones over there." (Like I am going there to be a receptionist.)

In a situation like this, you don't know what to think, should I just sit tight and pray that is not my fate so I am not a victim of "I told you so." Or should I just know and believe that this is the beginning of opportunities, bigger, brighter and better opportunities ahead for me, and hope that me and my God would prove my enemies (playa-haters) wrong.

It's been a confusing thought-provoking period for me.

Ever see someone cry about love or a heart wrenching love gone wrong story that it’d make you think you were either looking at a mirror at yourself at some point in the not too distant past and saying, so this is what a sorry ass person looks like, or you start to wonder, maybe love isn’t all that bad because it makes you open to accept the open sores of life.

Carrie said something magical in tonight’s series finale: she said one of the most important relationships one ever has in life, is their relationship with themselves. I believe in that so much. I believe it is the most faithful and endearing relationship one is privileged to have and one that is too easily pushed to the side by a glimpse of love or an idea of union, something that women sacrifice so easily, something that should be at the core of our being. In some contexts I think it makes me the most selfish person on this earth, the fact that I cannot sacrifice my personal wants, and needs for the sake of a union, and some ways it means, that I hold that personal grip on my heart so tightly so as to lessen the number of times I get to stare at a grieving lover and think of that as the image of myself once upon a time.

The Fairytale Job

I think I am moving slowly away from being a creative person, an aspiring writer to being a professional, a legal eagle, someone who reads statutes and writes briefs as they were fiction.

I am hoping one day I can get back to being a writer, or at least living like one and that one day my dream to write that one script that becomes the one hit wonder would come true, really come true.

I have to start studying for my new job. It's a bit scary and intimidating even as a story in which I star in. I drove by there yesterday with my family which was even scarier. It's one of those things you pray do not blow up in your face in every way. It's one of those things that make you somewhat proud of even yourself but you do not want to remain self-righteous even as you are proud and you want to remain humbled by it all, by God remembering your address, by the miracle and the chance to become something in your life and the tremendous opportunity being good at this would open up for you. You just can't put your finger on what it is that makes this seem like a fairytale worth holding on to.

I shall stop talking about this now. I had hoped to have a journal where I do not discuss work or it's facets, that I would discuss Anita and her creative scheming mind. The creativity is slowly leaving the building or as I would choose to say, the pages of my telegraph.

Thankfully Yours

I want to thank God for the wickedly fun week I had last week. For the entertainment, the people and the love I had all around me. for the miracles, the tears and the fears, and for the goodness that God could get me out of one of my greatest fears without a scratch. I want to earnestly pray that this last week at my current job is painless and breathtaking, that the good Lord gives me work-mercy, strength of mind and the knowledge to fill in the gap in between. I pray for the health of my family each and everyone of them mean more to me than life itself and I ask that Lord grant us the goodness of His kingdom this week and that we stay blessed and loved in His care, this we ask through Christ our Lord. 

Amen!

Meet the Fairytale Job

For the past 4 days I have been in a nervous panic/anxiety attack.

On Friday I interviewed for this job as a legal assistant to an attorney in some posh part of town, and for some reason, call it divine intervention if you will, she liked me immediately (of course I had prayed about a dozen Hail Mary's before I went for that interview.) At the end, she asked that I wait until the weekend for her to discuss with her boss. This meant a whole weekend of waiting, hoping for good news. On Monday, he decided to call me mid way in the day and thankfully, he offered me the job after a lengthy phone interview, I was so excited that I accepted the job on the spot. He wanted me to start right away but I have to give my two week notice at my current job (thankfully).

The family sector were of course excited and jubilant about this but they immediately felt that obtaining a letter of employment from this firm would seal the deal for me and make it safe enough for me to cash out my chips at this place. So this meant some more days of waiting and hoping. I had to wait through yesterday as the partner I interviewed with was unavailable. Then, today I get through to him and he faxes me the letter of employment with the health insurance, benefits, and bulk size pay etc set in ink.

I am so excited I could jump through the roof. So tomorrow, we have work lunch to celebrate one of the attorney's birthdays. I have been asked to patiently wait for this to get done with then, I can submit my resignation to my boss. I cannot wait for the two weeks to come and go, really. It's like a drag, right now that I don't care what happens with the cases. I just want to get out of there and start investing my time elsewhere, at a place that actually knows that this is what I should get paid, at a place that I am hoping will work out much better for me.

The job is as an injury defense litigation assistant to this young female attorney who is about 2 years older than I am. She seems cool enough and besides she's been her own assistant for a while so I respect her for that. The people I work with feel like they are too big to even answer the phone at times. It's just gonna be me and her in this shared office which is in a tall building, (thankfully) and she is in court half the time so that leaves me with enough time to work without the pressure of someone looking over me and to do my best to be the best and not feel pressured that the weight of the company lies on my head.

I am so thankful to God for listening to my cry, hearing me when I lamented about the environment I work now, the sucky pay and the disrespect. I know no job is THE JOB. But I am hopeful and prayerful that this is the job for me for awhile and that I can truly find happiness here.

To everyone who listened and prayed for me silently and to the Most high, for granting me this miracle today. Thank you Father!

Prayer for February 16, 2004

I pray that the goodness that is the Lord Jesus Christ shall come to my life this week, help me to make some difficult decisions, to pass through the hourglass of the world's temptations and to uphold the life that is in me. I ask that the center focus of my life becomes the Lord, and that I learn to put other things, such as family, career and worldly goods second to His word. I also pray that I have a wickedly fun week, open my eyes to your powers O Lord and show me the power of your miracle as you have this day and always. Bless my family, bless me and bless the chaotic world we live in. 

In Jesus Mighty name we pray, Amen!

Factory Reset

I think I have reached the stage *knocks on wood* where I can safely say I am back in the Anita Zone. By myself, comfortable by myself and glowing from all the love around me that I failed to appreciate and still deeply involved with KR.

It took a while to get me back, the distraction took a while to wear off but yes, I am back with me.

One of the best things about this weekend was the fact that I didn't have to endure through my neighbor humping his silly girlfriend as she yells out profanities all night long. I was most afraid of that going into the Valentine weekend, but thanking God that that was not the case.

I have been having some amusing chats with my ex-boyfriend, one of the first guys I actually dated, who really liked me, whom I am proud to say that I broke his heart and I also dated for a period longer than one year. He has been my friend through the years, we dated about 10 years ago. Geez! I didn't realise it was that long ago and we talk as if some day we just may find each other together again. And for him to call me on Valentine's day was a bit ironic really and also very comforting. It made my day I can tell you that, especially the way he said Hello as if I spoke to him just yesterday. He said some very amusing things that made me chuckle even as I thought about them today. It's not love, its' just friendship.

My weekend, boring nonetheless!

Singletons

I think I have finally reached that stage where you loose your mind over a guy that you know, in the deepest part of your heart that he is not worth it, but you hate the time alone, the empty apartment, the whispers to yourself, overhearing the loud humps from the neighbors, and the daunting goosebumps that lover's holidays bring to you.

Bridget Jones mentions it so much in her book that I fear that it is a plague that creeps on many women once they get to 30 without a man. They ultimately become, "Singletons," mindlessly searching for love in all the wrong places, and the suckers for the pointless excuses.

I keep trying to hear Keanu's voice in my head asking me: So why didn't you wait for me? Why did you settle? I did say I was coming, do you know what you are doing?

I try to hear it every time I look at his face but my mindset is so shut from everything unrealistic now that I have sailed out of the present into this lovelorn infatuated girl trying to squeeze a relationship out of a lemon.

Love Prayer for February 2004

Culled from an MSN article, I think titled finding love after 40:

"Duration of marriage is linked to a woman's age at first marriage; the older a woman is at first marriage, the longer that marriage is likely to last." Amen to that!

I couldn't agree more.

I pray I have a wickedly fun week. That the tears finally stop and that I am nourished by all the goodness, cheer and love in my life. Thank you for my life, my loves, past loves, present loves, and for the heart to keep on believing that love will find me, someday.

Amen to that!

Cynical Reflection

Yesterday I finally broke down and cried, wept continuously endlessly even until this morning after I heard my next door neighbor having sex at 9:30 in the morning. I can't describe why it feels as if my insides have been taken out, I don't think it necessarily means I am in love or anything of that permanent nature, it just feels bad and its just the cap of a very sucky week.

Yesterday began badly and ended just as badly. I must have called him a dozen times and my phone did some mindless calling of its own. I just needed to feel close with somebody over the hurt I was feeling. My life is not going great right now. My job sucks, my pay sucks and my love life just caved and gave way to this big hole in my heart that I cannot fill, for God only knows why. Why is my happiness always momentary, two weeks ago I was in his arms laughing and screaming at how happy it made me feel, today I am an emotional wreck. Can't Cupid see what this whole thing is doing to me? I promised myself I wouldnt cry again, that I would just let it go that once but everytime I fall deep into thinking about this it hurts some more. In my sleep I found myself talking to my brother about my problems, and in between of course I woke up to realism and no one to talk to. The silence is so overwhelming.

I had planned out this weekend a couple of weeks ago, how I would get paid, do the drive to Kennessaw, come back to Atlanta and do dinner and a movie all with him in mind. But now, it's like me alone in the car, thinking and soliloquizing as to what's the point?

Bridget Jones described it succintly when she said:

Sink into morbid cynical reflection on how much romantic heartbreak is to do with ego and miffed pride rather than actual loss. When someone leaves you, apart from missing them apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love.

Emotional Baggage

The crave for tenderness is such an unnverving delicate feeling to nurse especially if its not satisfied and it leaves that indelible emptiness inside you.

So many things are going wrong.

Especially with all those things I talked about and said I would never talk about.

I find myself with a deep lack of sleep, I wake up earlier than the alarm most times and I experience loss of interest in every day things. I found myself driving to work today and my heart was racing, beating in that nervous pitter patter way as if I was about to steal something, or was caught doing something bad, while all I was doing was driving in the rain to work.

I want to find a way to explain this feeling, but I cannot as if something stops me, and forces me to be strong. It forces me to be strong.

poignant extract of my misery

Last night's Cardio Kickboxing class made me want to go home and watch those making of the Matrix videos and say to Keanu, "Honey, how did you do this?" I kept picturing him in that scene fighting with the multiple Agent Smiths, man, that was a lot of work, I couldn't even kick for 25 seconds straight. I almost passed out at a point. He deserves an award just for working so damn hard, that alone is deserving of a hug or an applause.

To Keanu for kicking ass and working so damn hard if they don't nominate you, you know you are number 1, always forever in my book.

Back to normalcy:

I haven't been concentrating too good at work. I keep falling into this funk, emotional funk. One side of my heart is saying, run to him, beg him, plead with him, this is not good, this has got to stop, we can't just stop seeing each other just like that. This is the emotional side talking, the side that often gets my heart racing at times.

Then, the other side, the everyday independent woman Anita is saying, you have done this all the time, everyday in all your relationships and it gets you nowhere, you get back together but it never works, it was not meant to work out, that's why you are still unmarried and almost 30. Why don't we do it a little differently this time, toughen up and wait for the man to come to you? You can be alone. You have been alone. It is so not the end of the world. What did you have with him that was so great, besides sex, that is gonna make him remember you? Nothing. This side is harsh, but obviously not harsh enough. I faltered a little yesterday, as it rang I didn't know what to say and thank goodness he didn't pick up. How can he screw me like that and act like he doesn't miss it? Am I too needy, or too in touch with the part of me that feels?

No one knows how I feel, except whoever is reading this, and judging from the hits I get, I know it is just little ole' me, so that is fine with me. I can grieve alone, misery does not always deserve company if it comes in the form of ridicule.

It just hurts.

Bundle of Emotions

I am basically nursing all these feelings right now.

Bored: Work is slow (thank God) but that's not why I am bored I am because all my contacts have failed to contact me so it leaves me bored to bits. No challenge, per se.

Upset: One of my oldest friends (the 30 year old virgin from previous post) has taken to being cynical and lame, and judgmental and angry. To the extent I could ignore it when she tells me what cynical remark she made to B person, but when cynical remark is made to me, it's upsetting. I have chosen to declutter her from my life.

Anger: Self-doubt, pissed, mad at a situation you cannot change, you did not determine, you wish you had handled differently, and just hoping there was a chance to go back in time (where's a time machine when you need one?)

Bloated: My stomach has taken to blowing up whenever I eat a little bite of food, it's pathetic.

More Anger: A mixture of my anger and upset feelings about my friend has just accumulated to one bitter angry person.

*snarls*

I know I shouldn't be bothered by what people say or how mean people are, no matter how you try to help them but when it's one of your oldest friends, and she knows you are the only one in a long line of friends to even speak to her, I just feel as if I deserve more. end rant.

Let Us Pray

I pray that I have an unforgettable week, an unforgettable month. That it is filled with laughs, love and fun and the good spirit of God in my heart. I ask that I am led through the paths that He has paved for me, and that Jesus is there to walk with me in the confusion, doubt, despair and melancholy. Thank you father Lord for this past month in my life all the drama was my doing but You were there to pick me up after I fell, help me to be happy in Your grace and with the sorrow and loneliness let me remember Your love is with me always. Amen

Bad tidbits about living alone:

1) You have to clean the house by your idiot self. When it comes to the bathroom, washing dishes and scrubbing the tiles in the bathroom, you just start to curse, why can't someone else be here to do it or rotate it with me?

2) You have to watch Super Bowl Sunday by yourself. No one to share hot wings, chips, soda and dip with. It's just you and the TV and of course the laptop to log into LJ and lament about it.

I did some much-needed decluttering this weekend.

This stemmed from a long line of conversations with my family, my friends, some of them online and the fact that I noticed that he didnt hold me after sex. Then, there were other things like the bad taste our sexual encounters was leaving in my mouth. I know something is wrong and I am sure he felt the same way too because he didn't call either. So this time, I just snipped away and got myself back. Hopefully, it would be an episode of out of sight out of mind, more than absence makes the heart grow fonder.

It is hard, the quiet in my life is familiar but not welcome though it is needed. I have been home most of the weekend and the phone has not rung, except for my mother asking what station super bowl sunday is gonna be on. There was a time it's ringing was a fracture in my solitary bliss. I suppose I didn't need the drama. Some things give you that feeling of deja vu as if you've been here before, I have been in this shitty relationship before, with shitty male, who gives me a shitty time and I embrace shitty atmosphere as if there's nothing wrong. So, what did I grow up from, if I am here once again, in shitty land, almost 30 and right back where I started.

You know that song that goes:
There's gotta be more to life than chasing out every temporary high.

There has to be, isn't there?

Culled from Black Girl in Paris by Shay Youngblood:
Know where you've been but don't live in the past. Know where you're going, you need concrete goals even if they're short term but the most important thing is to know who you are.