I just had three beers, a record for me, but they were all light and I don't have to wake up until tomorrow. The weekend is over and the apartment hunitng, I think has come to a close. The only thing is, I wonder who's life am I living and am I getting the best thing for me?

I booked a weekend up in Braselton, GA for my birthday. It cost $200. I don't know what I am thinking but hopefully it shall be fin. I am ging with my mum so I don't look too lonely by myself. With my camera and a smile, and an angel on my shoulder, it shall be fine.

Life as we know it continues tomorrow.

long nothing weekend

Since I got off work early on Friday, was home by 1pm, I have done nothing except trapse around town looking at properties I would love to live in, I can live in but don't want to, I cannot live in, for some inexplicable reason, or just because it is not what I am looking for right now.

I haven't written a word of my birthday story.
I have't read for my Real Estate Class Test.
I haven't thought about what fun thing I would like to do on my birthday.
I haven't let the thought of turning 30 overwhelm me; which is a good thing because every time I seem to think about it, tears well up in my eyes. Just like it did today in church.

God has answered so many of my prayers, and they all came so fast. Maybe that's what makes me so scared, and uneasy. It all came so fast. One minute I was working in a restuarant and the next I am almost agreeing to lease an apartment for $800 a month! Isn't it the most frightful thing? Don't you think I am jumping the gun a little. I feel as if I am moving too fast too. Don't move as fast as it, slow down a bit, let it catch up with you. But really, can you see what I am faced with?

I don't know much, I just know I want to love, the excitement of this place has worn off for me and I am done with it.

The kind of apartment deal I want now, is with little or no deposit. In a nice upscale, very upscale neighborhood, that is somewhat far from where I live right now, that way I can stop bumping into people I don't want to see again, ever. And I can actually imagine that I have stopped being scared, stopped watching over my shoulder, stop wondering if one small scoop will come take all this away.

As the last week of my 29th year on this earth commences, I pray what every 29 year old who lives alone, and spends most of her time alone, and thinks alone, I think whatever comes through my mind, for the one thing that may complete the puzzle--I pray for a mate, for God to dig deep and find me someone to share my life with, so I don't have to go to Brusters at 8 pm and sit by myself wondering why I am sitting alone. So that I can stop feeling sorry for myself and a whole bunch of people can stop feeling sorry for me too. I pray that it is in the stars for me, and I pray that the Lord God gives it to me. I am tired of this, I really am. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.


If I could...I would make everyone in the world love, absolutely adore one another and there would be no distinction in countries or religions or races.

But that's pushing it, right?

No church again?

I just wanted to stop by here tonight to pray. Sometimes the week starts so topsy-turvy, you feel like quitting the job, life, just screaming, holding on to a tough piece of cloth and just biting it down with your teeth, just frustrated at the ill-luck it's throwing your way. This week has been like that. My boss in Nashville is so ungrateful, it's not even funny. I think, I didn't bargain for the admin/paralegal/hand holder position, it did say in my career objectives: To work for a company that demands a high level of professionalism and organization from its staff. Some people must not have read that closely. They were just interested in me meeting their price range.

Well, here's to praying that the rest of the week is at least a little less frustrating than the beginning of the week and that God will see me though A-Okay, with His love, bountiful patience, and with my eye on the prize, one day it will all come together, me, life, my dreams, and the path. Until then I bear this cross selflessly. In Jesus name I pray.

Renewals are in order

Just a little update on me, on the Renewal Craze.

1) I found this wonderful looking apartment just off the street I am on now, the apartment community is okay. It's not bad, not ghetto (God forbid) it's just okay, the mailboxes are outside the gate and I read not-so-great reviews on them from apartmentratings.com. But the apartment is just Wow! with space, it's a 1184 sq. feet loft apartment for a little over a hundred dollars more than what I am paying for now. As with everything there are ups and downs. The downs are:

a) The bad ratings of the community
b) The outside/external mailbox
c) My current apartment won't let me break my lease until August so I stand the risk of losing the apartment or paying for two apartments if I really want to have that one.
d) The bathroom is so small in such a large apartment; it also has no pantry space.
e) Like I said it's off my street, at a corner where the only highlight is the walking distance to Starbucks!

Alas, my troubles. My current apartment won't let me go so they offer me all the deals in the world. Hmmmm....

2) I highlighted my hair. It is a drastic makeover for me, the color I chose was Sunfire. It's like the sun streaks on my black hair now. No one in my office complex complimented me on it, so I suppose it is not as good as I thought it was. But I like it that's all that matters.

One down on the personal renewal. I did the Tag renewal. I already know what the lease renewal is, and that's it.

The camera is still unused. I wish I knew what kind of vision would aid me to take good pictures. It's such a waste if I don't know what to do with it.

I am at peace

I am at peace with several things in my life right now.

One of them is the fact that I know my family loves me and I love them and we shall stick together and listen to each other and bear each other every day all day just as one's family should.

The other thing is the outstanding fact that I love God and I know He loves me. He watches over me and listens to me and my requests no matter how stupid and makes them come from nowehere to fruition. I thank Him for that and I hope He won't hold it against me today that I decided not to go to church but I still love him and I love our relationship and cherish the one fact that if there is no one to walk with me, I know that He will, be there to guide me, protect me and lead me safely.

I got an unexpected bonus at work in my paycheck on Friday. It was just a blessing. I have been psyched about it since then. I am like on cloud nine and don't know when I am coming down from this high. The only thing that stopped me from being frivolus with it, were

1) the prevailing apartment move 2) All the things that need to be renewed now that my birthday is approaching 3) of cos, the overwhelming credit card bills.

I had to stop myself somewhere before I went on a lavish binge. I may use it to pay off one of my cards but then, I have my renter's insurance to pay for, so who knows.

I got the camera I have been longing for since Xmas, So for once, one of my TO-DO assignments was achieved. I know I got it at a bad deal but it was that kinda day where you either get it, or live in regret that another chance of a purchase presented itself and I lost it all over again.

So I am content, cheery and awfully chipper and I pray nothing comes to take away my joy.

I'd like to thank God for this moment in time that I have been hoping and dreaming for. I hope He won't hold it against me that I didnt go to church today. I still love Him, and live everyday to serve Him and graciously do His will. I know that all these arrangements I am making in life will only be achieved through Lord's Gracious hand, and I ask that His highness shall look upon me as his child that needs his guidance and direction. Shield me from every evil, my enemies make them my friends, and take me to that place where I shall meet my hearts happiness and peace. In Your name I pray for my life and the life of my family, keep us in good care, this day and always.

every man needs a place

I have a confession to make.

I voted for Jasmine Trias on AI on Tuesday. I was just so touched by her tears, and Simon making her cry like that on stage in front of everyone, that I sent in my two cents to show him he shouldn't predict someone's demise like that. I was really moved by those tears, because I have been predicted that way too, in the past, people think, oh, she's not good for anything, see how perky she is, well, hey I proved them wrong and so can she.

In other news. I told my sister about the property downtown that I am looking into moving to. Of course she disapproved of it. She wouldn't even hear it. She thought it was absurd that I would want to move there to find "happiness". Her response said, "You cannot find happiness until you search within your heart as to what it is that makes you happy, no matter how many jobs or apartments you move to, you have to decide what it is that makes you happy."

I can name quite a few things, I am assuming would make me happy. From reading this journal I am sure a few of you can identify a couple of them too. I just don't want to discuss them with her. She decided we should do TROY tomorrow and discuss issues with my unattainable happiness. I don't want to talk about it. Every time I even try to think about it a little deeply, it upsets me. Tears well up in my eyes and I am overwhelmed and just floored by the absurdity of it all.

I don't know what I expect from this life, all I know is what I have isn't what I expected and as the years progress it isn't coming to fruition, what is this, 30 now and this isn't what I imagined AT ALL.

If you'll excuse me the tears are welling up now.

post speeding ticket

I have been a little withdrawn and out of it since my speeding ticket. Somehow that ticket woke me up because I have been driving mindlessly before and after it; yesterday I almost rear-ended someone because my mind just was not in it.

There is so much happening in my life and I tried to partition my days, giving each day a theme so that way I can get some of it done, somewhat. Monday is work out day, Tuesday, Study day, and so forth. Saturday of cos, is Mall day.

First, my boss in Nashville wants us to get new office space. He is such a miser and feels $2500 for two offices is way too much. Hence, we now have to move, that becomes my problem and duty. The phone calls and the endless viewing is a hassle coupled with trying to beat the price and compare the amenities. It's a drag. I hate that.

My lease is up in June. I can either renew or find some other enchanting place to move to. Hence I am moving myself and my office. Does this seem a bit daunting to anyone what a coincidence this all is, it is to me. Well, pay attention cos this is where you all come in:
a) I can either stay in my apartment complex and move a few buildings away to a bigger apartment at a cost just $100 more, and in that I get a dining area, a den, computer desk, wonderful washer and dryer and a coat hanging closet. It's a bit more space, for the low low price of $100 more. But this is for another building in the same complex.

b) Or, I can move to another place that is closer downtown. Way more expensive, a bit of a pinch really in the budget. Garden tub, over head car park, closer to wherever my new office will be, because the office will be downtown more or less, and hopefully a better social life. But, I shall only see my family some weekends, as opposed to every other weekend which I do now.

Or I can just stay where I am and do nothing, which just may be it. Too much going on right now to add on the expense and bother of personally moving myself and my office.


Thirdly, my birthday in a few weeks. I want to write myself a story, a special episode of SKOL for my birthday. I had started it, hmmm....back in January, funny I haven't been able to write it or read through now that the days are getting closer. I am such a bore that I don't have anything special planned for myself that day. I don't have reservations anywhere, I haven't made plans to go see any shows, plays, trips anywhere or whatnots, something exciting that would elevate that day from any other day and every time I think about it, I just draw a blank. I really don't know what to do, what to make of the day, maybe I'll just live it like any other day, go to the mall or something. I don't know.


Then, My Real Estate class. isn't it wonderful how ever ready I am to register for a class, but I can't seem to make time out of my evening to study. Today was supposed to be study day but instead I watched American Idol, then, I looked for my Auto Tag receipt, and now I am online, going to bed in 15 minutes. It's sad. This goes to show you that my life isn't ready for going back to school just yet, not now.


Then, back to office melodrama. My boss asked us to let go of the temp. And guess who gets to do that, yes, yours truly. This is a working mother who has been out of a job for two months and they nominate me to be the one to tell her that, "hey, this temporary set-up is over and my boss feels that we don't really have a need for you right now." It was a sad parting. It got my spirits down all evening. Being a grown up is hard, so hard, I hste to live with this guilt that I let someone go.


Finally, I have all the things that come with a birthday. Tag renewals, renters insurance renewals, and personal renewals. It's amazing all the refurbishments one's life has to go through at a time like this.

Ill Luck

Last night driving home from my Kennesaw lecture, I get my first speeding ticket just right in front of my apartment from a female cop.

I get home and I am like What a fucking crock of shitluck. I was right infront of my apartment building when she pulled me over, and I told her I was coming from Kennesaw, with a tired face, no alcohol whatsoever, and she just does that, knowing I have no citations on my record whatsover. MY FIRST OFFENSE. I thought there was supposed to be some kind of leniency towards first offenders.

A month to my birthday.

Put it in Writing

I decided to put this in here.

Sometimes I want something and I don't actually know what it is that I want, I cant put my finger on it, it might be a feeling, or a nurturing, but I don't know what it is, but I often know that what I have is not what I want and it makes me unhappy. I often tell my family that I am not a happy person and they wonder and say: "But you have all this stuff...a, b, and c, how can you not be happy?" Then, I stop and wonder I know I have a, b, and c, but I want something, I don't know if that would make me happy but it would complete the chain of events and that is what I want.

Someone once said, try to verbalise that. Put it in writing, solidify it, so that way when I pray, or aim for something in life I can actually know what I am aiming for, it would take the place of a GOAL.

One of the things is gonna grace these pages today, and it is one of the things I have been thinking about recently.

MY JOB.

What kind of company I would like to work for.

After working for two small companies back to back with the staff of co-workers decreasing I would like to work for one of those big law firms, with senior partners, junior partners, and associates, and secretaries, and paralegals and the whole shebang. It would have longevity, prestige, and the benefits would be off the roof, most of all hopefully, it would offer tuition reimbursement which I could use right about now. The small companies are too stingy, not enough interaction with the staff cos there hardly is any and I am just so sick of being the person who is supposed to do everything, secretarial, admin, assistant, etc wise. It's just too much responsibility for too little money, and not enough respect, that holds not much promise, nothing should hurt that much. There should be some amount of balance, a lot of work, then a lot of money, or a lot of benefits, or hold tremendous opportunity, something, should equal it out, right now the scale is way too tipped and it's not in my favor.

That's my story for today.

And hopefully when this falls into place, I can actually work enough to afford to take that vacation in Europe, who knows?

Only God knows really, and I hope He is listening.

On the eve of 29

Today I sat in church and I couldn't think of what to say in my prayer to God. 

It's not like I don't need something, I just feel like I keep needing the same things over and over and every time I keep saying them over and over and I am sure, just sure that He is tired of hearing it, all of it. I am sure He must be saying, "Hang on, girl, it will come when I am ready, and you are too."

But then, this is the last month of my 29th year so I suppose if I want to make any drastic changes to myself - this is the time. I didn't lose the weight like I had planned, and I surely do not look any different. But I know I tried. Losing weight is a process, gaining it took a little while too. If I can just stay on this path, I must lose a few pounds, even if it is before Xmas. But asides from that little upset along the way, everything else is moving according to His design, I suppose. Maybe the man, the mate, the companion will come when I am over KR, lost some weight, and have put on some self-esteem. Maybe.

It's been a quiet uneventful weekend, along with all my other uneventful ones and I hope the week would be promising, eventful, and hopeful. No drama, just good Karma and lots of good stuff for me and my loved ones, Amen.

Walking in the Way of Jesus

Almighty and ever-living God, in your tender love for the human race you sent your Son our Savior Jesus Christ to take upon him our nature, and to suffer death upon the cross, giving us the example of his great humility: Mercifully grant that we may walk in the way of his suffering, and also share in his resurrection; who lives and reigns for ever and ever. Amen.