a trip on sunday morning

I went to West Elm yesterday for the first time. It was phenomenal at least for me, because I had browsed their catalogue consistently for 2 years (without a purchase) and hoped to purchase but was afraid to pay the cost of shipping and handling, and then to have them there present in front of me, to get a chance to discover how truly tall or short the furniture is, test drive it so to speak, is phenomenal. The sad part is I still didn't purchase anything. It was a bit pricier than the catalogue, and I didn't quite budget for all that. And the website has a section for SALE items, not so in the store. But I will purchase some day. I shall budget for it all the way, it may even be the loft style platform bed. But the presentation of the store does not do them any justice. The catalogue is just breathtaking, the store, not so much. Cramped, filled with stuck up employees that size you up before they offer to help, and its so much smaller in size, than any funiture store I have been to, eg, Haverty's, American Signature, let's not even attempt to compare it to IKEA. That one is a zipcode all its own. Speaking of, I went to that one first. And I did and could purchase something in it.

And it will be Christmas soon

I don't hate Christmas. I actually love it. Except that right after it, is one of the worst fucking times of your life. It is often known as the month of January. The month of January is freaking long and depressing and filled with so much uncertainty, that goes as far-reaching as the weather. Needless to say that you are broke, and unsure of how to live up to the new year, trying to get a feel for it, and just then, Valentine's rolls around, which, is bad, not totally worse, it gets worse, when Lenten season rolls around. That is the most depressing, downcast period of all. All this occurs right when you are getting over Xmas - the jingle bells, the bright lights, the prettiness and the gaudy sweaters. After all that, comes the depression and adulthood angst.

The last week of December is also not a very good time to be at work, that's why I am rather excited that we get to take that week off work this time around. The last week as in 27th, 28th, and 28th. No one can get anything done, but apparently so many people try to, and it's inconclusive because no one's around and you are fishing around for people, documents, returned phone calls. You wonder, for once why can't I be the one who gets to leave . WEll, this time I am. And I don't know what to do with it.

Win some, Lose Some

I had a so-so weekend. I knew it would be so-so when the weeked traffic seemed relentless, and the movie I had so eagerly anticipated turned out, hmm...so-so. Clive Owen why do they do this to you, man? You are a looker and a very good actor, you were almost James Bond for pete's sake. He looked so much older and crinkled in that movie, I don't know why. Maybe cos' the script asked for it. I dunno, it wasn't a good look for him. And Jennifer, where would you be without Brad's acting lessons in bed. That movie would have played out so differently with Angelina, I can bet my pennies on it.

So the weekend was so-so, been sitting on this chair for about an hour, downloaded my Rob Thomas pictures from the disc, tried to upload, but you know how it is with dial-up Internet, almost impossible. Almost impossible to get anything done in record time.

This is going to be a rough week. It's one of those weeks I wish I could close my eyes and open it and bam! it's over. Work related, which is my life related sadly. And I seem to be gaining weight around the mid-section, instead of losing it. May up the ante with some diet pills.

Lord help me, be a better person. Because I have nothing else that will probably work for me. Not looks, not smarts, not charms, so I really need to be some kinda gem in some department. That's my win some, lose some speech for tonight. Hopefully too the week goes well.

couldn't you tell

Couldn't you tell...I was the sullen one in the corner, with her hands to her chin, placed firmly with the scowl, and a rambunctious exterior with the lack of a smile; there was a smile but it was locked within, and my self, I have gotten so used to being by myself, that I have plans for myself, that couples couldn't even pull off. Couldn't you tell? That it was me, yellow yet so unpretty. Determined yet no direction. Amazing yet so forgotten. It was me.

Some days are just 'can I please not get out of bed days?' But everyday is like that with me, couldn't you tell? Today was one of those days. Apart from issues at work which I shall not mention for the sake of being labelled as repetitive, there were issues with the traffic, with my weight that has just stopped going anywhere. And issues, that just arise because I choose not to think about them or think about them until mid-week days like this.

I have realized that the reason why my job is not offering or considering me for the contract paralegal position is because I am not smart. I realized that today in between a conversation with someone, in between my failure to exude any intelligence as usual. I realized that if they felt that I could do it, that I needed to be trained to do it, then they would have at least given it a millisecond of a thought. But they didn't albeit that I am undergoing LLM study and whatnot, I can't even hack it as a senior paralegal, how disappointing is that? I realized the cold hard bitter side of this, after the conversation and my friend editing the contents of my letter, badly so badly. I felt to inadequate. If I was really that good I would have written an effortless demand letter. But I am not. With everything else, I am just not good enough. I think I just let 'ditzy, please underestimate me Anita' linger for too long. I think that was my sin and I shall pay for it, somewhat.


Couldn't you tell I am with thought, I have updated two days in a row, I only do that when I can't think good thoughts, just the heavy convoluted ones.

Musings from the desk of Anita on a long, hot November afternoon.

Several things are worth mentioning.

The weekend was okay. I had a really good time on Friday. Saw Prime, a showing that lasted until late in the morning of Saturday, came home and coldn't fall asleep right away. This entry is not really about my weekend, it is my way of reviving my deep thinking, which is sort of what seeing a movie like Prime did for me. It revitalized the thought-provoking, writing part of me, and for the first time in a long time I feel like writing. But you've all seen this entry before, where I talk about how much I want to write and then I never do. This is different I promise. This is just reflective of the weekend. I saw Monster-in-Law, and it reminded me of the poor judgment Hollywood has in making certain movies. Certain movies don't get made, some get made but with such a minimal budget that you wish they had more money and some get made and you wonder why...where oh where did they get the money from?

My thighs and my highs

Just looking at them, they look so normal.

Sure they have a few visible veins, dimples that I would rather prefer on my face, and they jiggle even though not as much now. They look so normal, nothing major, nothing severe, so regular. Until I pick up a pair of normal looking pants that look okay, I judge the waistline, and judge mine and I say it will be fine. You regular pants and my regular thighs will be just fine.

And then, I get into the dressing room and there it happens. The pants stop just above my knee, then you know just how bad they are. You pull out of the pants, stare at them, the wide-leg cut of the pants and the normal looking size of my thighs and you wonder why they are not a perfect match. What could possibly be wrong? In between the part where my thigh meets my knee is this tremendous amount of flesh that has greatly increased so much that I have become accustomed to it. So accustomed that it seems normal, a little jiggly, a little covered in veins but just normal, regular. So much so, I don't know what thin thighs look or feel like. I don't know because I have never experienced them. If I loose my thighs I wouldn't miss them, but it would take some getting used to not having my thighs and the lows of not fitting into a pair of pants that I really want.

What's my high for today --Thin Thighs.

Maybe KR will finally show up if I have thin thighs. Anything is possible.

long nothing weekend...again

Fiddled with the new phone all day couldn't get the dumbass voicemail to activate. There must be something wrong with me that I choose to patronize Cingular for another 2 years against my better judgment.

I wrote this here passage from work about 3 days ago, and I never really had time during my dismay to insert it in here, so here it is. Also, saw Prime last night. Good, very good, actually better than I thought it would be. Uma not really a fan. PG 13 love stories, not really a fan of those either, would have still preferred it if the movie was rated R, a lot more skin and swearing and realism to look forward to, but I think in a subdued way they still pulled it off. It made me appreciate quiet times; quiet moments, stillness, just sitting in my own space drinking Heineken and listening to soft jazz. The quiet time. As opposed to the Simple time which is the kind of stuff I write about. It was a wasted weekend. I had Prime to set it off. Hopefully a good day tomorrow. Broke or not. Good day ahead.

I got to work and it's not that much to be done. As usual. So my eyes are dragging. In this month's issue of Details, there have been so many good articles. Sometimes they do not have them that good, that is so many good articles at a time, but this time it's been great actually. I read them in my car in the morning while I wait for the clock to turn. This is getting boring. It's just a way for me to type so that I stop feeling sleepy as a dog, and perk up. I was telling my sister over the weekend that I do not understand whose bright idea it was for us to start our working lives so early in the day, why not later in the day. Whose bright idea was it, to start early and close late or something like that. I don't know. But it is messing with my eyes and my mind. Another hour of this and I feel the blood draining to my cold legs.

As the months progress in this place, like every other place I have worked in the last two years, the tasks get to be a little more and more mundane. The attorneys get to offload more and more mundane tasks on your desk and you get to stare and wonder how much legal battle is out there to be fought and won and how in the world you are not part of it. I remember that middle daughter from the 'hit show' Related and how her work career mirrors mine. She's quit every jobs she's ever had.

they say

They say we take the same steps, make the same mistakes, learn from those steps and decide that this is what we want. I can't seem to understand or appreciate what I want anymore, maybe because what I want and what really excites me and gets my liver hot are two different things. I want to feel excited and feel as if I did not make a mistake. But no matter how far I run I always seem to come back to the same spots, to the same mistakes, to the same conversation, to the same grey area.

 
In my dating years, I fell into the same kinda guys, the ones who often always preferred another girl to me, and now my working years, the companies that never truly seemed to understand me or know what I am about. Or I never understood them.

They say we take the same steps, or go to the same places, in our dreams, in the present, in the moment. It's been the same mistakes.