Excerpt from one of my stories:

Go to Teenage Groupie X for the beginning

Nick had left the club by the time I stepped out of the bathroom---so said the bartender. I grabbed my coat and made for his room, wishing that he would be there. On knocking, I heard him ask me to come in. He was standing in his room, having a drink by him self.
“I am so disappointed in you Nikki.” He scolded as soon as I took a few steps in.
“Can you blame me?” I aimed for the glass of brandy in his hand, but he moved it further away. I hissed, and took a seat on his large double size bed.
“I’ve had a horrible 48 hours, Nick.” I cried, slumping my face in my hands.

“Well, you asked for it.” He sat down beside me. “The first day you caught him in the bathroom with Vikki, did you do anything? Nope, you didn’t. You walked out, why? Why would you do that? And now you want to come back? Why would you do that too, does any of this make any sense to you, cos’ it sure doesn’t to me.” His inflated voice was screeching in my head, adding to my headache. “You should have insisted that he’d stop cheating on you then and there, thrown the girl out and made your stance known. But you want to do it now, it’s a bit too late for that.” He left me on the bed and proceeded to take off his clothes. “Why do women like you like men like that, I mean after all he’s done, you would still want to have him back, what is it, the new guy you are with not good enough for you?” he took off his shirt, and flung it on the sofa. He was standing in a white undershirt that emphasized his rounded belly. The sight of that belly amused me.

“Nick, I hope you are changing to take me back to the Hilton?” I asked, curious.

“Nope, I can’t drive tonight. I’m too drunk. You can crash here or I’ll call you a hotel taxi. But between you and me, I’d advise you to crash here, cool off a bit.” He loosened the belt on his trousers. When he noticed I was not responding, he asked, “What is it, you don’t trust me?”

“No, I don’t trust me.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to, I’m too tired tonight, you’ve worn me out all day…” he went into the bathroom to take off his pants. “How could you do what you did tonight, Nikki?” I heard him shout from within.

I walked up to the bathroom door so that he could hear my answer, “I don’t know Nick, Something just came over me; I haven’t been this angry in a long time. I wasn’t this angry that day at the store. I just lost it.”

He stepped out of the bathroom smelling of fresh aftershave, in a pair of khaki shorts that revealed his muscular hairy legs, and the same white undershirt. He walked past me and headed to the bed, the strong musky aftershave caressing my nostrils. He sat on the bed and started to flip over the channels with the remote. The sight of him in his nighttime gear sent an impulsive surge through me. I ignored it and went into the bathroom to change my clothes, fortunately I had brought my bags along, and so I picked out a nightshirt from it.

With all that had happened this evening, and for the past couple of days, I found that I wasn’t angry with AJ. I still could not find an iota of hate in my heart for him. Instead I found a deep-rooted diabolical urge to hurt him, to play his game, to make him feel worse than I did when I saw him tonight with Vikki, to make him beg. It seemed going away with Lance was certainly not working.

An hour later, Nick and I were necking on the bed.

“No, no, Nikki, I can’t do this.” He pulled his mouth away from me so forcefully that I almost bit his lower lip off. He brought himself to sitting position.

My hands had made their way into his crotch and I was massaging his thickness to rise to the occasion. I stopped for a second and looked at his translucent eyes, there was a hunger reflecting in them and I knew he was halfway there, almost erect. “What do you mean you can’t do this? You want me don’t you?” I asked seductively, reminiscing the pulsating bulge I had cradled in my hands a few seconds ago. His dick was thick and rounded, unlike AJ and Lance’s.

“I do. You know I do. But I can’t. AJ is my friend. How can you even think this?” He pulled my hand away, and sat up on the bed, leaving me lying beside him. He adjusted his member in his shorts, trying to calm it down.

I sat up, frustrated and embarrassed. I hadn’t planned on Nick rejecting me, in fact on anyone rejecting me. No one ever had.

“Is this some sort of joke, Nick?” I said with clenched teeth.
“Not to me. But to you it is,” he remarked shyly.
Suddenly I felt a pinch of remorse cut through my veins, for what I had almost made him do.
“I like you Nikki, and you know it. But I can’t have you, using me as some diabolical scheme to get back with AJ, it’s not gonna work that way.”

I smirked, my sentiments exactly, he had even used my own words to describe it. “Do you think sex is a game, a weapon you can brandish at people anyhow, make them do whatever you want? It may have worked with other people, but it’s certainly not gonna work with me.” He made to get up from the bed, grabbing a pillow but I stopped him instantly.

“I’m sorry Nick. I’m sorry,” I said, forcing my voice to show as much genuine remorse as could appease him. He was deeply hurt that I could think of using him and I felt bad for that, bad that it was he, but not bad that I had chosen to use my body for what I wanted. “Common, let’s go to bed. I promise I won’t try anything. I swear.” I crossed my heart, dismissing my smirk.

He hissed loudly, before he reluctantly joined me on the bed. His perfume still aroused a sexual desire in me, but I chose to ignore it, choosing to brave the night with him in “platonic” land. It was going to be very hard. I placed his hands across my waist into a cuddle position before we fell fast asleep.

Once upon a time, I was rejoicing that I had finally scored my very first comment from a sympathizing reader on here, but when I came back to ogle over the comment again, it was gone! Disappeared from my comment section, vanished from the astonishing world of cyberspace. Who was it that left this comment and why did you feel the need to delete it, if at all. I just wanted to say, I appreciate it, and thanks, but before I could cherish the splendor of this miracle...it was gone.

Dear People,

Thanksgiving came and went, my life went on but in all that seeming thread of events I haven't felt the need to write anything. I should, I think so damn much so why don't I just write it down instead of thinking about it but whenever the paper comes or the sheets come or as in this case the computer screen, I lose the words in my head and I stare at it mindlessly saying to myself: No one wants to hear the stupid stuff you contort in your head every damn time. And I know it's true. No one does.

I got my first paycheck yesterday. I was happy for about a millisecond until I opened it and saw how much I was getting paid. It isn't as much as I would have it be. I am not a greedy person, I am not, I have never been, but I just have a problem with getting scheduled for only 3 days in a week while somebody else gets more days, more pay and more hours: It is just not fair. I need this money. How on earth am I going to start something with my life if I don't have money. Okay, but I am being greedy now, some weeks ago I had no means of making money no call backs from the millions of resumes I sent out and no clues as to what the next step would be for Christmas or thanksgiving, so I really should be happy with whatever money I get.

I am hoping something else comes up this week. I am hoping and praying for it to. I don't want to be one of those people who is stuck in a job no one has any regard for. I have always been this kind of person who looks down on people who work in places that flip burgers, now, that's what I do. Not that I don't have a college education, I do, I am just stuck in the circumstantial whirlpool of my existence and God teaching me a lesson in humility. I guess now that I have learned the lesson I can hopefully teach all of you and that is: Don't ever thnk because someone works in a lowly job that means you are better thn that person. Nope! Give them the respect they deserve because if you don't the wheel could quite easily turn around and that could just as well be you.

I have said enough for someone who didn't want to talk. Please say a prayer for me that something else comes up. Otherwise I shall just keep praying for myself.

It has been forever. I spared you all the intricate details of my somewhat mundane life, thus rendering you free to languishly indulge in the pleasures of someone else's. Intriguing!
Let me do a small recap!

Wednesday:
Stayed home as usual most of the day. By noon decided to go for work orientation, called taxi and he stopped over at home to take me and bring me back. Very nice of him. Orientation went good, girl doing the orientation---who's job I would much rather have---was pleasant and sophisticated, and she offered me a job with a better pay but a more tedious role. I am so not complaining, I felt like kissing her in gratitude. Told to start on Friday. Came home, drank two beers on an empty stomach, rest of family at the theaters, went online for a bit, slept all night.

Thursday:
So much to be said for this day but in order to keep it brief. Did my hair, the red came out well, but the afro is finding it hard to get its groove, did a little trim. Spoke to OGO from LA, it was refreshing, told her about alleged job, she was more excited than I was, and not the least bit cynical about the role i shall play on said job, made me happy too. She said she has paid for my BSB CD, so crossing fingers that the doofus girl (her friend) has paid for it online. Tried to open account, couldn't, documents needed not yet ready. Talked with family, tried to amend ways, wrote up a list of things I should start doing now that I have alleged job, I accepted with gratitude, and took it all in its stride. Nothing before its time. A bit apprehensive about starting alleged job, hope all goes well tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

Friday:
Missed my bus to destination to job, last bus actually, got stranded downtown, begged a taxi or two to assist with conveyance of which full payment would be made later, none agreed, until someone, a dark angel agreed albeit reluctantly. The ride took almost 45 minutes but made it, they didn't even notice that I was late. Orientation at the cash register, said tutor is 19 years old, made me think a little, but shrugged it off when said tutor said she wanted to go to college to study pharmacy, which I have been and I am here, doing alleged crummy job, so there! I have seen the future and I am a living proof that it is a fuck-up while she is in the present, believing in the blinding gleam of the future. Work ended quickly, browsed around mall bored, went to bookstore, read, read, and read. wished I had applied to bookstore instead, nothing beats working at a bookstore. You get to read free stuff!

Saturday:
Worked. I was the only one working at the register this time. It was fun, kept me on my toes, I must have lost like a million bucks on that thing, but who gives a shit! Went home, happy.

Sunday:
Worked too. Was the only one there as well. Was joined briefly by some other girl but she was busy looking good, the crowd was heavy, most of the customers were dissatisfied, tried to appease them but couldn't, had to yell out to manager one too many times, didn't like that. It went well. My family came to pick me, I could tell my nieces were proud seeing me in my humiliating uniform, suddenly it didn't seem that humuliating anymore.

Monday:
Didn't work. Lounged, caught up on laundry.

Tuesday:
Didn't work. Went to Kroger to apply for cashier position. Nothing happened. I am not too hopeful about it, if they wanted me they would have called by now, and they haven't. No one has. Shuold have gone there when I had the time, eg Monday. But I still have crummy alleged job to fall back on.

Dreamt about Craig David, Usher, Nick, and some other nameless familiar faces, I can't put my finger on who they are right now...but they seemed and tasted good.

Deep sigh...where do I start.

For the past 3 days or so, I have been feuding with my family. Now, that I think about it, I can't seem to remember what it is we are feuding about, and that's why I didn't want to write it down when it happened so I wouldn't be reminded of it, so as to slowly let it go. But it is hard.

For the past year since or more since I moved here, I have been constantly searching for happiness. I am a very melancholic person, I find happiness in things that are quite opposite from my family's. And maybe that is why I am the least successful out of them. I hate to admit to that but it is the pathetic truth.

Let me put it this way: My brother is an engineer, works for Exxon-Mobil. My sister is a telecom engineer that aspires to become a teacher, and then there's me: I am a trained lawyer (for real, 6 year program and all, graduated with honors) who wants to be in the entertainment business. No! not as an actor or singer, but as someone in the background, directing, writing, putting my visions on the screen, publicist anything. I have all these ideas and I don't know where to go with them. So I thought okay, come to america, where else, the land where dreams come true.


Then, back to reality. I have been here a year or more and I haven't done a thing. I am stuck in the world where I want to do things but everyone is telling me don't do that, if you do and it blows up on your face we won't be there for you. Do you know how many people want to be in that business here, what makes you think you'll succeeed. I have just been torn in this torment of having to decide, reading brochures of schools i can't go or can't afford, it is weighing me down.

To top it off, where we live isn't exactly the best of places either. It is so trapped in the suburbian hell, I feel like I am choking. In all my life, I never thought I'd be the one living in the suburbs. I saw my self in various situations but the suburbs. then let's not go into how difficult it is to get out of this surburbs during the day without a car, so many classes I have wanted to attend that are just 5 miles from me, but I can't get there. So many screenwriting evening classes, I can't go. I could stand at the subdivision gate for hours and my neighbors would pass me by as if they don't recognize me. Tell me how bad is that?


You can imagine someone like me who doesn't like sitting down for close to a day having to go through all that. why? all I wanted was to have my dreams answered, is it too much to ask?

Since Sunday we've been feuding, my sister losing her mind, her husband getting on my last nerve, what part of "I don't want to talk about this now," don't they understand. His children annoyed me and he is asking them to apologize to me and I don't want to hear it right now, I want to go somewhere and lick my wounds sullenly, but he insists, that I must accept their apology. I DO NOT. What part about that is soo difficult. What? I don't want to talk when I am angry, I do not. It comes with being a writer, I'd rather sit here and type my words than talk them over, But no, he wanted us to talk, so i walked out on him to avoid saying things I would regret, just like I hung up on my sister when she wanted us to talk about the dvastating effects of studying Fine arts over Buisness. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. simple. Can't they get it?


Since then, my mum has called, blowing fumes going hysterical, my brother has called taking sides, why? Because I have a history, various precedents of snapping at people, and losing my temper so they think this time I was the one to blame. Yes! but I do not want to talk about it. I want something from this life and I am not getting it and my life is passing me by in suburbia hell, and you want me to sit around and be all chummy about it, to hell I will.

Give me a kind word, a push of encourgament so when I go to achieve it in some way, I won't be haunted by your face sniding at me with "I told you so" when it blows up on me, tell me it's going to be okay and go for it, sky's the limit, you are family after all, don't give me chores or put me in situations that get on my last nerve cos when I do reach the tip of that last nerve and want to blow up...I do not want to talk about it.

That's about it for now. My brother has since written that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore about it or any other thing. I haven't spoken to my sister and her husband since then, I've been sitting in front of the pc pretty much, and my nieces are on pins and needles with me. Me, I am busy trying to find a school the hell outta here so I can move somewhere work as a waitress or something so long as my dream is going on course, but so far I haven't come up with any bright ideas for paying tuition or moving anywhere, so that's my life for now.

I just wish someone would come over and tell me, "Hey, I have an exciting life, wanna be a part of it?" I would jump up, grab my toothbrush and follow him wherever, whenever, I wouldn't look back at all. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember since grade school. I have always wanted to escape myself. If I have had this dream for that long, and God has known about it, and I pray constantly asking him for it, when oh when will He deem it fit for it to come true. I'm getting pissed just waiting for it.

Although, I shall try to look on the bright side. Thanks for anyone who actually read it. There's more but I'll save that for some other time.

I just want someone who will snuggle up next to me, hold me close, wipe away my tears, and tell me it's going to be all right, is that too much to ask.

Burdens in Minor Key

As I sit here listening to my Sweet November soundtrack, I try to think why life gives us burdens, gives us stupidity and gives us annoying things that eat at us. I try to think of choosing my own place, my own life, I have often written about it so many times it is becoming repetitive, but I wish I could choose my own place, I wish life gave us that option, to go somewhere, be with whomever and be whatever we wanted just by asking, asking hard enough.

As I sit here I really should realize that I do not have that option. Maybe that's what makes me so mad sometimes, the fact that I can't change or affect what I have, all I can do is live in it as hard as it is, and as much as it hurts me. I can only live.

Dear Diary,

I have a confession to make. I've started writing (fan-fiction) again.

Diary (screams out)--WHAT!

Yes, I have. I know. (embarassed flurries fly over her face) I must have whined muchly about this stuff some months ago, it hasn't even been up to 3 months since I hung up my hat. Has it? I have just been going through all these hectic shit at home, in my personal life, feeling downcast, feelings of self-worthlessness.

-Those are the worst.

Tell me about it. And I am my own worst critic if I am not doing right in something I don't feel good about it. Right now, I am not doing right in my life and the only way I can get one foot out of my worries is to write crap, shit, rants, journals, poems, fanfiction, hell whatever. I just have to write something unless my head is going to implode from worrying about shit I can't change.

-I knew this was where you were headed.

Well, yeah it was obvious at a point. I have been reading some of my old stuff. Whenever I am down I read up what I wrote to get my spirits high, remember the extracts I put in here sometime. Whenever I read my stuff, I feel like maybe I should do this again, write something new, something that feels just this smooth, this sweet and soft, that can bring a tear to soemone's eye. So that's when I decided to ressurrect some of my work and give it to a control audience. Some of them really liked it and asked for more, some of them started to write like I did, sweet, dialogue driven stories, less of that debasing sex, but more pathos in it. That's when it hit me, I must be doing somehting right somewhere for these people to want to write like me, I must be touching them and I don't even know it.

Most of all I got this Humanclick icon that lets me monitor people on my site, most of them, I see them reading my stories, I see them spend at least 20 minutes going through some of my short stuff, but when they finish they never say anything. They never say thank you, I enjoyed it, sign the guestbook, or whatever, which shouldn't mean diddly right but the important thing, is that they spent their precious time in the evening reading my work. And that's deep! That's when I decided to hold up my pen again, try to see what else I can put down that may be just as deep. You know it's whenever you feel a little downtime in your life that you write the best cos' all the emotions is all pouring out of your every pores, you know. It's deep and shit. So that's why I gave up the pact and picked up my writing again.

-How does it feel

I can't lie to you and say I am having 100% fun. I am not. Time has passed when I used to have that much fun writing, then I was writing for just myself. To tell you the truth I don't want to go into that whole correcting of the grammar, structuring my sentences, trying to make them sound poetic, give off some kind of metaphors, describe my environment, painting a mental picture for the reader, blah, blah stuff. I don't. Having to hear people either correct my work as to editing (which is the good bit) or that it just has general bad grammar, makes no sense whatsoever, or it has normal typos that I feel too lazy to correct. I don't want to have to go through with that shit from critics on the web anymore.

I just want to read/write a story that connects with me, how I feel, what I want to hear someone say to me, how I would want it said, the mood I might be in at some time, and what I want done to remedy it, how everyboyd feels at some time, and how we react to it. I just want something that cuts deeper than your everyday run of the mill hoopla, and if the story or the dialogue and the emotions come poured out just right and touch you where they should, then who gives a fuck about the grammar, or how long the sentences are, who should.

It's just like worrying about an artists music just because the artist is not pretty enough or sexy enough...those are just additives, the real deal is still concrete, intense, and powerful, connect with it and leave the rest for later.

But readers on the web can't leave well enough alone in this world. Since I started writing I've been waiting for someone to say to me, I like this, is this from your head because if it is it sounds like a real good movie, or a real good drama or a real good Independent film that people would want to see. I have been waiting for that. I am not sounding cynic, or proud, full of meself, I know I have seen worse films than what I have written, so what makes mine the worse for wear.

I have started writing again, and I hope this time, I can write for me this time...not for the readers on the web, or for feedback, just for me so that those moments when I feel downsome I can open up some of my pages and read them and laugh away my tears, feeling proud and good with myself. That's what Art is, it gives off a good feeling.

Thanks Diary.

Anita.

also contained in Rants and Pieces

I just saw Mary's Video for No More Drama, I am glad she chose that song as the next single, it's so fitting to this situation happening now in the country and in my life. It was so intense and emotional, I just started to cry. I don't know what's wrong with me!

I don't know only God knows where this story ends for me, but I know where the story begins, it's time for us to choose whether we win or loose, and i choose to win. NO more drama in our lives no one's going to make us hurt again.

I wish I didn't want to eat so much.
I wish I didn't love someone I have or will never meet.
I wish I didn't have to smell Sola everytime I walk into my room reminding me of how much I miss him.
I wish I didn't have to sleep alone in that same room.
I wish impossible was just a word.
I wish someone like me deserves a man like him.
But these are just frivolous wishes in the wind.

The Trip to Alpine Helen, Ga

Last Day, Sunday...November 4th

Woke up groggy, didn't keep track of the time. I walked out to take a quick shot of our cabin from all angles, hoping it would make its debut in my memoirs. I picked up a little surprise from the woods, I am not at liberty to say but the surprise blew chunks.

Still haven't heard from Ogo or Kevin. In the woods, it seems everyone's abandoned you. The phone never rings, and the only news channel is CNN, no local news, and no entertainment news either.

Walked around downtown after a very unfulfilling meal at Tanglewood restaurant, everyone else enjoyed it but for the first time in my whole life I actually preferred thehi pancakes to the biscuits they had drowned in tasteless white gravy.

Downtown picked up my bamboo shoot. It cost buckets, I really don't know why I bought it. I think it was the "brings good luck" slogan that caught me. I just wanted some kind of memento to remember the trip by. I found out later that they were sketching very good pencilled self-portraits for $5 I felt like returning the plant. But it's a good memento if it lives long.

Last stop was wine-tasting. A few sips, I was a good girl, slept off all the way home, came home and got my first rejection letter from my interview in the mail. Tried to cry but couldn't. I reeally wanted that job, one of those interviews you attend you think to yourself, this wouldn't be a bad place to work, you know. I looked at the bamboo shoot and said, "you better bring me good luck dammnit."

I am sure I've bored myself with this narration. Perhaps when the pictures come out I can add this narration of events to the pictures and it would all make sense.

The Trip to Alpine, Helen.

Day 2 Saturday...November 3rd.

Woke up at 8:21, the kids had already awakened as early as 5:30. Why? I don't know what they were expecting but we had promised not to stir until 11 especially since we had already purchased breakfast the day before, and had drunken our heads to stupor.

My eyes were hurting red, my nose running and itchy from the allergies. Suddenly I was craving goat meat pepper soup; a rare delicacy people in the village--rurals---are normally greeted with once they nurture a head cold. It is filled with tender pieces of a goats rare, doused in peppery muthwatering liquid and some essential spices to excite the senses. However, this excuse of the woods was not my homely village in Africa, it was an imitative replica in the Western world where you ate eggs and biscuits with a chilled glass of orange juice. In its stead, my sister ran to the coffee machine once she awoke.

Took the kids to Garbage Patch Factory in Cleveland, a few miles from Helen, and a very dry county I might add, that means they shy away from the sale of alcohol. Do people still live like that? Took some cute pictures at the Garbage Patch Hospital, my nieces got 2 very expensive dolls. Must be nice to be a child, all you have to do is whine and bam! there it is.

Ate lunch at Unicoi State Park, we found a nice spot facing Unicoi Lake. Bees, bees, bees were the special guests of the day. They kept buzzing into our bland Turkey and Ham sandwiches like it was the most appetizing dish they'd been offered all day. We killed several of them and made them scape goats to scare off the other prey until we finally settled into our food, facing the dark murky, lifeless lake.

Climbed Anna Ruby Falls to see the huge waterfall. The walk was exhausting, invigorating and liberating. Hiking trails can make you come closer with your limits. Man is not invincible, after all though he may claim so. The embedded rocks took my breath away half the time so I took short breaks taking pictures of them.

Got home later, after a trip to the grocers for our evening dose of alcohol. YES!!!

While they tuned the grill for our dinner, I flipped channels, I had been missing my daily dose of MTV. Caught a Britney Spears dedication prgramma, and me, being the dreamland loser, sat still and watched Miss Spears act all surprised at the guests they pulled out of their hat in a sorta This is your life dedication. I wonder if they can ever do this kind of stuff for old legendary bands like RHCP, Madonna, Lauryn Hill why for the teen sensations eg, Spears, Nsync, BSB. It's sad the levels MTV stoops to sometimes.

Still haven't heard from Ogo, and Kevin who I spoke to on Thursday night before I left, promising that he'd call, one of the few reasons I took my cell phone with me. It never rang nevertheless. In the woods, you don't hear phones chirping, music blaring except for yours, or loud altercations between people. People leave all that chaos to the city. I miss that sometimes, the quiet eats into you eventually.

Got asked if I was enjoying my fun during my MTV stint, it seemed like I was having some kind of family moment withdrawal. I said I was, and forced a smile at the interrogator, trying my best to look enthused. Was I? I asked myself. Probably. The quiet just eats at me, and I look at the phone and hope that it will ring, just once. It doesn't.

Ate dinner quickly, came inside and watched Bridget Jones' Diary and the rest of that piss poor J. Lo movie. It was a good day.

Before I start with today's highlights from my trip over the weekend, I must mention some things I failed to mention in yesterdays entry below:

: My bro-in-law got drunk at the end of the evening, after a heavy consumption of 3 beers, and half a bottle of red wine. To me, that was a small amount to get high on, but he is not usually a heavy drinker. The amusing part was hearing him say stuff like: the room is spinning, or, no man deserves you. Stuff he wouldn't normally say if he wasn't high. One of those events that made you wish you had a camcorder.

: When I went into the dollar store I bought a book love and obsession called: Homme Fatale, I've forgotten who it's by. But something about purchasing a book at a dollar store that seems quite derogatory to me being a writer myself. I always think how the writer might feel that his wonderful revered piece of literature has been relegated to a dollar's stipend. How unencouraging!

: Listening to a song on repeat, I don't care by which artist would cause you to lose the verve you had initially for the tune. We listened to track 9 on the new MJ CD, 2000 watts, I would be happy if I don't ever hear that song again.

: For those just joining us, this trip was embarked upon with me, my sister, her husband, and her 2 kids, just in case you wish to cross-check your notes.

The Trip to Alpine, Helen.

Day 1 Friday...November 2nd.

Woke up a bit early to take a bath and get the gear downstairs into the car without waking the kids. We had planned to surprise them with our trip, telling them at the last minute when they were quietly hurled into the car. I don't know why we thought that would work because the car was packed so full with stuff it leaked. There was hardly any sitting for a 6th wheel if there was to be any.

Kids found out soon. Dad told them, they didn't seem too excited, which surprised me but they came around and it was fun seeing their little faces light up. I warned them I didn't warn to be beseiged with, Are we there yet questions during the journey. They promised. Thank God the journey was to last for only an hour and a half.

Stopped by my bro-in-law's office, my sister opted to drive. Safe too. He squared me some money, which totally threw me off guard. He never does that. Stopped for gas station cappuchino, it was soo yummy I swore not to trouble myself with Starbucks again after that. Tried to sleep, couldn't, read my stored away book, This time last year, which appropriately told the story of a guy who had escaped to his cabin in the woods to gain some privacy and consort adequately with his creative energies as he wrote his book.
I chuckled at the coincidence.

Arrived at 1:15. The cabin was buried deeper into the woods than we had imagined or seen on the Net, sister was shocked they had camouflaged it so well. The roads looked paved to her on the Net, here they were flagged with trees, and carpeted with branches, twigs, leaves, and God knows what else. It was Alpine Ridge, or Pine Ridge, I am not so sure now...I fail to remember some important details when it matters.

We passed the town on our way, half empty, designed after an old German town in the 1920's, with buildings named Gesellschaft and Frankfurt, etc. It was very eye candy and historical for me, because I have never been to Germany so I was left to use my imagination. It looked like a page out of Hansel and Gretel, Jack and the Beanstalk, Rapunzel or some old fairytale, I waited to see the little people come out of the stores, but instead I saw normal people, I can't say I wasn't disappointed though. I didn't take any pictures of the historical buildings too, bad of me.

Bees and other insect families greeted us warmly on our arrival. They were probably about as happy to see us as we were disappointed with our dwellings. Unpacked the gear. Some folks chose to ask stupid questions and got meted out stupid answers. Couldn't tell how irritated they were, didn't care too.

Picked rooms. There were only two equally sized rooms, so there weren't that many choices to choose from. It had a small kitchen facing the living room, a couch and a rocking chair by the fireplace. True coziness. I sort of miss that coziness, reminds me of British lodgings, everything tight and warm, builds for profound amity within the home. Not sure if it's good for a family of our size though. Left the room quickly, bro-in-law said it smelled stale. So much for cozy, I guess.

Ate lunch at Mamia's Kitchenand restaurant, gravy and very warm mashed potatoes, fried catfish, vegetables, cold biscuit, I liked it. Bought one-time use camera at dollar store. This trip is turning out to be quite spontaneous. Went to play miniature golf, I didn't. Sat with Douglas Hobbie all afternoon, as the sun began to peak, my family competing against each other, found out the game is as boring as it looks. The insects fought to break my concentration but I fought back. Had delicious, deserved icecream after, quite watered, I got the hang of the taste after the first couple of scoops.

Went to local grocers, Betty's for breakfast and dinner ingredients, it had the best Deli food this side of the state. Wanted to barbecue whilst blasting Michael Jackson's Invincible. It was good energy music, not intended for relaxation though, but who wanted to relax whilst grilling process was occuring.

Ate at a little after 9. Surprised the kids were still awake.

Argued at night over what else but my "unhirable" state, and the state of the country, parts of its laws that irks me and surprise, surprise does not irk them. Found out one distinguishable fact: people act like they have been through whatever turmoil you're going through, and that they can understand and sympathize easily, when in fact they don't, they can't. The only one who can see you or feel your pain as deep and hurt as much as you do is no other than yourself. So don't say to me, I know what you're going through, I have been through worse, because you do not know, to what extent, and the range to which it hurts, just like I cannot know yours. Only can I feel the pain, only I..

I went to bed with that thought. Tried to watch a movie but we were all far spent so we crashed at a little after 1 am.


To be continued tomorrow...

Yay! I read this lovely story this morning that so much reminded me of my writing. Some how I felt that perhaps my writing had inspired that girl, who happens to be a friend of mine, into writing it. I was smirking to myself half the time. I have always felt my writing is not up to par with so many other writers online. I delve ot deep into dialogue, not enough sex, not enough acton, just slow drifting conversation that lets us meet the characters. But to read someone else write like that and you enjoy it, it makes you say, hey maybe my stuff wasn't so bad after all. I feel like putting it up here, but it would be copyright.

My trip review is still to come. I have to get back into enjoying the things I used to go that kept my mind and spirit going. All these poring over want ads and making up details of my resume have claimed my life for too long. I am just going to cast my fate into the wind and hope some employer has enough balls to hire me, being that employers are all so lacking in that especially with the dragging economy, that may be never, or soon because I have faith in my capabilities. But for now, I am going to get back to myself, to my writing, to creating fantasies, updating my site, and lovely stuff that may have seemed like a aste of time but they kept me happy and content.

We came back about 3 hours ago, and I have been online since. I have nothing to say for now about the trip I am going to compile like the highlights points of my trip and post them one day at a time. But for now, it was good, and very enlightening. I didn't meet anyone, instead I met myself.

Don't worry good people, I haven't forgotten ye.

Where to begin. I know I have been a little out of it. I haven't as much as updated some sites that I hold most important to me. I haven't sent word to my egroup and I darn well! haven't written about my past month in my Aphie's monthly update. But it will pass. My head is in so many different places now. I am confused, deciding, arranging, figuring things out. Everything is going at the same time. It is not working out so well, but they say in all things do not despair for they Lord art with you. So I am not afraid of faultering. However, I just hope it falls into some symptomatic place so I can write about it all to you guys.

I went CD shopping to cheer me up, I couldn't get myself to buy the BSB CD since I already know all the songs, I actually almost bought their first CD, Can you believe it was on sale? Then, I contemplated Enrique but I heard all his songs online yesterday and hmm, they sounded too electronic. I was moved to get Californication by RHCP, you know I have a thing for Anthony...I don't know why I didn't. Now, I know why I was moved to do that...today's his birthday. Yay! Anthony, Happy Birthday!!

Finally, I got the Dr. Doolittle 2 soundtrack...I know I went all archaic. I wanted "happy" music. It was either that or the Sweet November soundtrack, and I guessed that would be depressing. The movie was. This is a new month and a new attitude, I'll leave depressed for christmas time.

The bad part is that the CD cost me $15. Broke me and I spent $15 on a CD, I feel like I should return it or something, I shouldn't be spending that much...should I? It's still in the wrapper, so it's not too late.

I went acoustic guitar browsing too. It was more expensive than I thought. About $300. Hopefully, when the job comes, I'll get it. I need to play and listen to music too. Get all my creativity out. My CD changer, My boom box, in my car blasting my music get home and string some notes on my guitar.

You can see I have big dreams. What happens to people that have big dreams...they keep on dreaming.