I thought real hard over the weekend.

I thought seriously about my moving away plans, and my evasive career. I thought about other things which I don't really feel like writing about in here. I just hate to air my thoughts knowing people are either laughing or just hissing at how boring my life has continously been. I just thought, maybe I should bravely do some stuff, make some plans and write them down.

Work was annoying. I found out that my hours had shed seriously over the next month, forcing me to want to take on yet another parttime job. And my pay as minimal as it is, it's still shed further by Uncle Sam, can't they find someone richer than myself to bump tax dollars from? I just feel like everything i know and want to achieve or hope for myself is somehow being evilly thwarted by everything this place stands for. It's the worst feeling ever.

This morning my sister told me to think positively. Yeah, I do think positively it's my positive thinking that remains to be squashed, when they succeed in squashing that then what else is left.

I didn't mean for this to be one of those sad lamentation filled entries. I just meant for it to be one of those times when I can actually just scream out loud at the world. yes, I am tired of parttime jobs, I am tired of the lack of job security, I am tired of living with my family, I am tired of knowing that each year that goes by, I am nowhere near where I see myself, personally and financially. I am tired of knowing that even though I have taken steps to seeing that I get somewhere, some evil plan continues to thwart my dreams, to snuff the life out of me, to squash and suck the blood out of me. I am so tired of that.

I am sick and tired of it. How do people survive here, because this isn't life. I can't breathe life, since I am not living it. I am almost like a zombie. I am sick and tired of being in the mood I am in. I think some things should change. They should stop or I will stop them.

The 20th of december is an anniversary for me of some sort for me.

It would make it 3 years officially since I last had sex. I can remember with whom too. It was with my ex-boyfriend at the time. We were juggling between "should we continue dating or shouldn't we, it's good sex so why should we stop? Okay, his present girlfriend he had been with for longer than he had been with me was still dear to his heart, so I guess I got dumped but we continued to have sex. I guess on that day I just said, NO. I can't continue to do this to myself. You either have me full time or you don't. ( I guess the fact that he hadn't picked out a Xmas present for me, didn't help his chances either) So that was the last time I had sex with him or with anyone. I moved out here in February hoping to meet someone who would change all that. It's been 3 years.

The weird thing is, he moved down here too. And he wants me back so badly his dick gets hard everytime he calls me. He lives in New Jersey now so he calls every now and then hoping that I would come out and visit him so we can replay some of that tremendous sex we used to have. I used to take his calls for awhile and then I just stopped. I realized there was no point to it at all. I need sex but I am not going to go back to my vomit. Fresh and so clean and so new, whoever said that wasn't jiving.

So that's the story of my life. It would be nice to have a srew for Xmas, wouldn't it?

Gosh, can you believe it's been 3 years. I deserve some sort of award. Celibacy award.

I watched Austin Powers Goldmember the other night. IN the scene where Dr. Evil is judged by the World Court I was impressed that the judge in that scene is from Nigeria. Yes, the country where I am from. An attorney just like I am. I felt so proud and impressed with Michael Myers in recognizing the true intelligence of Lawyers from that country.

Unbeknownst to the American folk and their stupid myopic selves, it is the lawyers from that country like myself that become International judges in forums like the UN courts. But you see Mike is Canadian so he knows how to appreciate intelligence and superiority when he sees, the people here, stupider than possible. They actually ask if Nigerians speak English. No, we don't. If we didn't, how come we have some of our judges working in the UN? Things that make you go hmmm....

This is for Mike for recognizing the intelligence in my country. Hopefully, some day one of these people will recognize it and offer me a job as an attorney (legal assistant) instead of the dumb, uninspiring jobs they have besieged me with. Here's to MIKE MYERS!!!

I saw my crush today. I don't know why that is news to report. I saw him and his twin brohter in my store with 2 other women shopping and chilling at the mall. He looked different. He looks so much like his twin I couldn't tell who was who, and who was with which girl. But they both got blond streaks done to their hair and both of the girls they came with looked young, nothing fancy.

However, I know he saw me, he sat infront of my store and stared at me for a long time. The last time I called him and he did that dropping the phone on me gimmick was the week before Thanksgiving. One of those nights when I felt like calling someone I shouldn't have. I suddenly felt ashamed as I saw him. Ashamed that I had stalked him so stupidly like I had, like a teenager which I am so afriad I am not. It was like my alter ego confronting me, my childish, playful stupid alter ego. The least he could have done was say HI and and exchange pleasantries with me for ole' time sake. But he just took his new lady and walked on by.

You know what's weird, I had been looking forward to seeing him for quite a while. Whenever I pass someone with a spiky hair, oblong head or jawline like he has around me, I wonder, can this be he?

I have obsessions issues, I accept.

Yesterday marked a milestone in my selling abilities.

Usually, we are given a sales goal that is almost always next to impossible. No matter how much you sell you can never get anywhere near that sales mark, whoever comes up with the figures believes in magnanimous figures. However, somehow, yours truly with my somewhat impressionable customer service appeal surpassed that sales goal yesterday. I was supposed to sell $1358 and I sold an outstanding $1500 and change. I didn't realize how incredible those figures were until I got down to jotting it in my little notepad which I use to keep track of my sales. I beat them! Even if it is only this once. I beat them.

I hope it happens again. I hope a pay raise or just some open acknowledgement of my abilities happens. A pay raise, a promotion, an offer of a differnet job that implies some lateral move financially and otherwise, something good basically. Because I can see now that I am good at whatever I put my mind to if only these people would ever fucking give me a freaking chance. I just want something extra ordinary to happen.

Yes, there was an impossible sales goal and I beat it.

In other news, I realized I am paid the least. Even by my companies standards, for a job I seem to be good at, it's not fair. But I guess my luck does stink in other areas besides my lovelife.

I hope everyone I spent Xmas money on enjoys their presents. I didn't enjoy buying it, but that's a whole other story.

Okay, so the jobs I want don't seem to want to come my way. I want to feel the independence that comes with knowing that I can afford basically what I want and what I need to have. And knowing that I love my job (not that I don't right now) and that I love where it will take me to in the future.

However, I had a good day at work. I met the most interesting people somewhat. Everyone had a story to tell as to why they were buying the item on their list and as to who wanted it. It felt good meeting with them one on one on their requests and satisfying them. It gave me a good customer satisfaction feeling. I could write down the stories one after the other but they were all so many.

I am still working on their career thing hopefully by this week I can come up with a plan which I shall not divulge until I piece the facts myself. Before then, I shall take my getting screwed over and over as a lesson not to trust anybody especially those I think are my friends, and as a means to think hard, fast and intelligently about the path I want my life to follow.

A new and important partnership begins its domination of your psyche on
December 4th, this Wednesday. Look for something stable to hold onto as
you are about to become enraptured under the spell of an irresistible
individual.

Your luck this week*
Love: A
Money: C
Work: B

Signs to Seek: Aquarius, Scorpio
Signs to Avoid: Leo

*Your weekly luck is based on a scale of A to F, with A being the best
luck and F being the worst.


This doesn't sound right, but I shall put it in anyway. I have more news, if you hold on I shall tell you what it is.

Once upon a time, there was this job I really wanted. It pays buckets more than what I am earning now, and it is in research, legal type of work. Oh, that was my area exclusively, it was one of those jobs you think this may be made for me. I must have gone for about 3 interviews for that same job and then, they were like, "we'll tell her when we are ready to make our decision, we'll tell her." This was over a month ago. I spoke to the temp agency girl who was trying to score the job for me last 2 weeks ago, just before I started my new job, and she said, they said they were not a 100% sure they wanted to go with me.

Today, I drove past the place where the office is/was. Out of curiousity when I got home, I couldn't resist calling her, just to find out, Okay so what if I hadn't gotten another job, I would have died sitting on my ass waiting for you. She acted like she didn't know who I was, and when she did, she said, something that I implied meant..."are you still waiting on them to call, girl I thought I made it clear that they don't want your ass, so beat it!" She told me the same thing she said the last time, dancing around, "they don't want you anymore." I don't know whay I felt I wold make it if I had tht job. I would be able to afford to move out, get the car loan I want to get a new car, and do so much for myself. Now, I am scared to move out, scared that my paycheck might not carry me that far on my own.
Perhaps, I shouldn't have called at all.


I am just a curiously stupid person at times. I pick up the phone and I start to call people I haven't spoken to in months, weeks. I called my crush too. He dropped the phone at the second hello. Talk about recognizing my voice. Geez! Guess he didn't want my ass neither.

Retail Woes

I forgot to put in what my horoscope said about my week. All I can remember is, it mentioned a love interest on Friday, it also mentioned something about the full moon helping me to be on my guard, then it rated my week. It said, Work a B, Love an A, and money a C. No brainer there, I am as broke as my car. My account reads in the early tens, that's how bad it is. I am praying a a get a check or two to resuscitate it this weekend.

Gee after working in the fragrance dept for 4 days straight, this is what I've come up with:

* I am over my fascination with perfumes. I see and smell so much of it, it's not a craze anymore.

* I see so many men, handsome, older, younger, in between, anything, just men buyng gift sets for their girlfriends, loved ones, crushes, trying so hard to get it right, to buy the exact fragrance that she asked for, the exact one she wears or if they do not know it, something that smells like her, or they would like on her. With all these, I wonder...isn't love wonderful? Wish someone could run around to get me a gift like that sometime.

* My legs feel like logs of wood. I have a deeper respect for those who sit for a living. There must be an easier way to make money, and lots of it. I wish I had some bath salt to soak them in. Does that work for sore, swollen feet?

After 6 hours of watching videos and listening to rules and regulations, which I hate, I seem so awfully proud of myself that I've snagged a job. I literally have to stop myself before responding to a Now Hiring sign or looking through the AJC.com website, which I have not looked at all week. Hurrah! When people respond to my resume, I go, "When did I send that? I can't remember, oh well." It feels good, I don't know how long this feeling will last, and if it shall lack any lamentation to the contrary, but for noe, I shan't look at the classifieds intently anymore.

Retail Aid

My car I think is blowing a gasket. The transmission fluid is all leaky and burnt and I hear clicking noises in the engine. Now, that I need a vehicle the most it wants to disappoint me. That's bad.

I still think about getting an office job. I guess I am such a career woman. I can't help it. That's what I went to college for, those are the dreams that kept our spirits alive. I still think about it.

Today, I thought somewhat of my self-worth. Can I ever work for a company in which I can move up the corporate ladder, or move to a behind the scenes approach? A job where my technical input would be sought not so much as my manpower, or cutesy smiles are sought right now. Yes, I still dream about an office job. A career job.

There's this girl I've worked with for the past couple of days that bears so much resemblance to Esther. Isn't it weird how 2 people that live in 2 separate continents can act so much alike that its almost uncanny? Every word she says, her cynicism, her wry humor, her devout obedience to me, the roll of her eyes, her insistence on seeing a smile on my face everytime, and just her general melancholy reminds me so much of Esther. It's akmost like God brought an Esther-person to spend some time with me here in America.

The fashion store I work for doesn't make clothes my size. That's almost like a taboo. One on my part because I hate stores that do not support big hipped women. That is, do not stock the XL, or 15/16 size clothes. GAP even goes up to 18, and Old Navy goes up to 20, aren't they considerate? I am thinking of sending an anonymous message down to corporate that they should seriously consider making XL clothes. It's just extra fabric, and I guarantee you it would sell a lot faster than the 1/2 sizes. XL women just shop more I suppose, because we ruin the clothes faster, or we just constantly feel the need to dress ourselves up.

The other side to the taboo is: in any normal situation, a person my size would never get a job working for a store that doesn't carry clothes she can wear. It's like, you have to be able to represent what you present to the customers. But I bet you if they were XL'ed, I would look so good in them, you would be amazed how many people would want to buy them from seeing my curvaceous figure in them. It's just a matter of sending word down to the poor, mass produced factory workers stuck in some sweatshop in the middle of Asia sitting in front of their sewing machines, stitching up clothes even they can't fit in that they need to cut them a little bigger and not mannequin stitches anymore.

"Oh, so they need to make them bigger, this time. That's an improvement. Next thing you know they just might want to give us a raise after 15 years in this sweat shop." I can just see the headlines now.

So that was my week. I guess I have to clear my account fixing my car on Monday. Why is it costing me so much money to have it? Is it some sort of penance? First thing to do when I get career, is to get a career-fitting car to go with my career-minded self. I can just see me then. Can you?

For once, My horoscope was right about my work week being an A. All through this week I have been offered 3 jobs. yep, little ole me. But hold up these are not your regular run of the mill "my career has started" jobs, these are just jobs that "I am happy to be out of the house and somoene is paying me to do so" kinda jobs. Jobs that at least my bank account won't go into the red too much longer, jobs that I am grateful for once someone said, "I shall be ready to offer you the position" do you want it? And you scream, "Did she just say that to me?

For some reason, well, call it the holidays, they are all in retail, "what else is new?" and in the fashion industry. Yep, after spending my money and time going to paralegal school I get offered a job in sales. However, I shall continue to serach for my paralegal jobs until something comes up or the economy decides to do some fantastic turnaround. Until then, I have a job. That's all that counts.


A lot has happened in the past week, some of them so shocking or thrilling or just wonderful that I really really wanted to write them down. For one, my brother left on Wednesday, he cried his eyes out leaving us, made me cry too. Shucks! I get teary-eyed just thinking about it. It was one of the high-points of my life, seeing my brother openly miss me like that, I just wanted to comfort him and tell him it would be okay. I still miss him because I spent a lot of time with him while he was here, we went everywhere together, and it was because of him I opened up my Rich's card. It was so bittersweet. I'll write him or call him and see if he's doing okay.

Then, the job. The videos they make you watch at Orientation, the hoopla they feed you. It's been interesting. I met a heck of a lot of interesting people. People who just got laid off and were glad to be working, school drop-outs, an aspiring hairdresser, retail newbies like I, people from everywhere you can think of. Like a cultural mix of people brought together to do one thing.

I'll write down the facts on a sheet of paper slowly and then work my way through them one at a time, all I can say is: I hope the week ends well, just as good as it started.

Weekly Horoscope Outlook

I just thought I'd put this in here since I don't have anything better to say. 

Something good may be happening this week. I sound like an unbeliever. Something good is happening. Amen! I should be able to fill you in on it by this weekend. For now, my brother's trip is a trip. We are having fun, soaked in immerse fun and I am broke. Thought he'd give me some money but found out he was broker than I am from all the shopping. It's all good as I said, something good is coming my way. Don't believe me just look at the horoscopes.

GEMINI

This is a week to start a project you have committed to. The stars are on your side and you will find that making time for getting things done comes easier than usual.

Your luck this week*

Love: B

Money: A

Work: A

Signs to Seek: Taurus, Capricorn

Signs to Avoid: Pisces, Cancer

Somewhere along the line I must have thought I was moving to America. The land where the impossible happens, where people take chances, and beginners can be millionaires just by believeing in their dreams, petty ideas and someone would be ready to give them a jolt in the right direction, helping them to pave the way to making that dream happen.

However, I have been faced with nothing but negativity, pessimissm and a whole lot of people who don't cross the road without looking twice, and twice again. The people here are so afraid of taking any chance on anything, they immediately hear my accent and they think to themselves, "Okay someone not from around here, so let's just keep going, nothing to see here." It makes me almost afraid, and unsure of my life decision to move here. Almost hateful of the rose-colored glasses with which I viewed the people here all my life, almost ashamed that I chose them amongst a host of other countries I could have gone to in pursuit of my life dreams, almost makes me think less of them with each passing day, each passing breath.

It's okay. I'm okay. The dreams are broken but not shattered. There must be a risk-taker lost in the midst of all the over-cautious boring predicatable ma's and pa's swimming in this choking sea. Either that or I would be forced to actually move to Europe where I would get what I am expecting and get something extraordinary perhaps as a surprise to me. They've often said the people there are not nice, rude and snobbish. I should possibly expect the opposite just like I've gotten nothing but the opposite of what I got from US. Truly, to say I am disappointed is an understatement. It's hard to coincide mydreams with what I've been handed a second-hand opportunity from a third-grade chance.

It's so hard.

My brother comes in tomorrow from Dallas where he's been for a whole month on a course from work (Mobil) he gets to spend 10 days with us before he sets back, which is a lot considering they send him on these courses once, if at all, a year. So I am sorta excited.

The job I went on the interview for was supposed to call today to give me some feedback if I got it or not, they haven't called and I am sorta worried hence I didn't sleep well last night. But I guess if they don't call that means, I didn't get it, so to speak and that means, this is some more waiting for the phone ring for my other lead to set up a "start time" for me. However, I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, I have never been one to do that, some phone calls need to be made and some tedious searching and nagging of the temp agency needs to be done, let's settle this career-less state before the year runs out. Enough is enough as they say. Besides, my bank account is fed up of the withdrawals and not enough deposits, I can't say I blame it at all. Hopefully, my brother won't spend all his shopping money. *psych*


In other news, I am horny. What else is new? But my mum is home so no masturbating for me, I guess, and next week, the whole damn house is full. The real thing isn't that far-fetched is it, is it?!


Went to Buckhead the other day, the day of the interview, sighted a few hunks here and there by the gym. It was tedious just looking at them, having them not look at me, and having oh! being around men you find utterly attractive, bangable and successful and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Made me want to get the job even more. *fill in the blanks, please*


I'll write in again about my graduation as a paralegal and my brother's visit, and the damn phone ringing. Oh, the pressure of living.

Okay, so I stole some images from artconspiracy.com, they had already unsubscribed me from their board just because I hadn't put up any other images for 2 months. 2 months, I've been busy looking for a job, going to paralegal class, fighting with my frustration, I don't have time to go uploading any images, that's stupid. Like they have a job to give me, swine people.

So far, my horoscope was not right. I have been spending money but I haven't made any money, 2 different things. I have been going to work at the coffee shop and being sent home just because we haven't up to par with our business for them to need me. Me being the kind hearted person I am, I always volunteer to go home, no need serving people when I am not going to be making any money doing it. Besides, I hate serving people, makes them look at you like you don't have anything better to do with yourself. And Lord knows I do, I do but would they let me.

I want to get back to working with Netaid.org. I don't know why I stopped in the first place, okay school happened. However, school is over so I can spare my time now, expand my mind, and work with people who at least know what is going on around the world, care about it, speak intellectually enough on it and know what they are doing with their lives to protect it. So by next week, I should have a couple of articles for editing from Netaid.org, okay.

Hopefully, by next week, I should be on my new job. Fingers crossed, and hearts lunged in prayer.

Yikes! Was that truly the last time I wrote something meaningful in here. That is bad. I guess that was the advent of all my written assgnments, and I am so obsessive about my written argument assigments that I always want to do it right. Really! I just felt it was stupid reading any wacky stuff online besides the personals when I had research and homework to do. Sorry! However, they are all done now. Thank goodness. Now, anymore written assignments I have should have a fee attached to it, being paid to think not thinking for free.

How is the world living? My life's been in techno overdrive. No job and my finances feels like the blood is drying out of my bank account. Bad, really bad. I still went to spend some more money today, bad silly unthinking me. And if I see a good sale anytime during the week I will still jump on it. I m off to try on my clothes and bask in the happinness of someone who has no livelihood but can still afford to dress herself up with lovely things. Like a dolled up drug addict I suppose. The sadness is wearing thin until the clothes come off.

I just had to slip my horoscope in here. You don't see this everyday. I don't want to think about it too much in case something bad happens during the week and I'm sad thinking, okay, I thought this was the week everything was supposed to work out. But the triple A's on this horoscope almost gave my eyes a fever. Crossing all my fingers and toes that is that kinda super douper week. I haven't had one of those in a long time.

GEMINI
A big commitment is coming, although it's likely to be someone pining for a chance to serve you! Look forward to a weekend of better finances and clearer communication.
Your luck this week*

Love: A
Money: A
Work: A

Signs to Seek: Taurus, Scorpio
Signs to Avoid: Leo, Aquarius

Have a good week all.

Couple of things:

I have been feeling so queasy today and it is not doing me any good since I havea paper due this Friday. I usually work best under a deadline but this is ridiculous how much more of a deadline do I need, Friday is just 4 days away. I don't know what I should drink or take, I've already had 2 cups of coffee, and eaten all so lightly just to avoid slumping into a nap, but it is not helping. I have even tried napping so I can wake up later and work on my paper, nope, that didn't work either. I am going to take an energy vitamin pill now perhaps that can shed some light on my supposed exhaustion.

The 2nd thing: I hope I get a job this week. I don't know if it is my jobless state mixed with my approaching deadline and looming financial decisions that is making me physically and mentally weak. They say problems weigh you down but this is riduculous, if I don't get this paper written I am in deep shit. I should imagine I am at work and this is a paper for a client, perhaps that would stir me out of the perennial tiredness I am in. But I hope I get a job this week. Prayer for the day---to get a job for anita--amongst other prayers previously filed.

The horoscope seems lukewarm but who believes in this shit, right?

GEMINI
A romantic thrill could be back in your life after a short absence. This could set up a new chaotic shuffle, as you were just beginning to get comfortable with a new game plan. Expect those closest to you to behave like children instead of offering help.
Your luck this week:

Love C, Money C, Work B*
Signs to Seek: Leo, Libra
Signs to Avoid: Virgo, Pisces

Which Red Hot Chili Pepper Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Look at what I found? How nice....;-/

The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.
-----Psalm 9:9,10 KJV

If for once you feel that you can't go on, life has a reason, an escape and a shoulder to uplift you.----don't even believe that one bit.

There is no fucking reason. I made some wrong choices, I wish I could change those choices, I hoped on the wrong dreams and aspirations to save me and I wish I could have changed them and most of all, I don't want to have to blame it all on myself I want to believe there is a higher power called destinies that was responsible for my bad decision making. So there is no hope, there is no magnificent ray of light at the end of the tunnel coming to save the day after all avenues have been sought there is no such fucking thing. That is just one big hoopla of an excuse to try to make you dry your eyes and concentrate on some happy thoughts.

I know that now, so I shall continue to live in stupidity in my menially estranged life, suffering every drain of muscle I have, disappointing every woman my age around the world, and every dream I had about myself at this age. I shall continue to do that living with the now, knowing that there is no way out so make the best of it while you can.

Oh why couldn't my life have turned out as Shelia's? We are the same age, and she is after all my creation. Why couldn't my adventrues be hers, and hers be mine, her loves, hopes, and happiness? Why is mine, if ever I have them, the melancholic lonesome happy time of disenthroned woman.

There is nothing we can do about that now, except BE. anything at all, except believeing in the impossible cos' that doesnt happen for people like us anymore.

My plans to move out to some remote part of the wrld may come into play sooner than I thought. Why so?

Well, last week I sent out a total of 20 faxes of my resumes,( at $2 per fax) attended 5 interviews, signed up with 3 staffing agencies, quit my job and spent $20 on gas, $35 on miscellenous which includes parking, eating on the go, and otherwise, still I am yet to receive one callback or one email saying we find you "interesting."


Yep, at this point the desert terrains of Somalia don't seem like a bad idea after all.

I told my boss at the coffee shop that I am seriously looking into the hiding away thing. She concurred that she had at one time harbored such a thought, at least once every month. It made me not feel so bad after all. However, something has to give, a crack in the dark clouds, smething, it can't be all bad everyday, all the time. FCK!

I forgot to mention that in my search for a job, I bumped into my crush's identical twin brother at the mall ith a girl. They are so identical that as soon as I saw him my heart began to think that perhaps it was him. He was letting his girl into the Borders I was going into and then Whoa! he left the door open for me to come in. I didnt know why he ddid that, if it was the real he, maybe he wanted to be nice and act like he knew me and show some repect but then, when I said HI! he gave me a blank look like he had no idea why I would say that to him. It was definitely uncanny seeing him.

Maybe that was my present for the rough week. A glimmer of a charming young man closely and proximately resembling my crush.

I forgot to mention that I started a paralegal class sometime early this month, and even though I have a graduate degree in Law I haven't been able to keep up with all the little nitty gritty info on the american legal system. For eg, the multitude of court systems they operate under.

Anyway, that's why I've been away and obviously not around to lament just as much. However, I am still the same. So many things have happened in the interim some to make me cry out in self-pity and just hate myself, and some quite uplifting ones too, eg the purchase of a DVD player spoiliing myself. I asked for a raise from my job so many times that I thought I was beggining to talk to myself, I asked to be set free from it to explore my CAREER, but no one answered in the interim. So I finally quit my down ass job and I am holding out for a good one. There's something about doing a class with a large number of people who have "better" jobs that just puts a mirror in your face and tells you, yes, I was overqualified for that job and it's time I moved on, and stopped wasting my time, generally. Since then, I have signed with a multitude of temp agencies and they have all promised me the world but all I can do is pray, hope, and hang tight that something good is waiting for me and I can find it soon enough. Sometimes, it would seem like I was so close to my escape that I could taste, and then something a stroke of bad luck probably or just sheer fate would happen and then I would be struck out of it and left to stand still in my space. This week has just been the utter worst and to think that foolish horoscope that I ever so quickly rely on promised me that I would have LOVE an A, while money and work both rate a B. It's all been so complicated to understand the journey and its purpose. And why I am still in it and NOT GIVEN UP.

I am actually cheating right now, becos I have a test in a few minutes that I have read nothing about, I just felt the need to write a little to keep myself awake, and sort of cheer me on to what life I have online. I read some website describe me as introspective and searching for my means to turn into a woman, it made me laugh aloud. At my age don't you think I am already a woman?

Today is kind of a special day for me. It's my 3rd year at the Bar. I am taking myself out to celebrate. So even thogh I haven't done shit with my degree, some shit has to be done to celebrate it. I kinda hung out my certificate on my dresser to cheer me up.

Weekly Horoscope

Gemini

Hit the road and learn a new trick, as this week sees the stars lining up in areas favoring mind expansion. If you're involved with someone substantially older or wealthier than you, this will be a week of blossoming love.

Your luck this week:

Love A, Money B, Work C*

Signs to seek: Taurus, Cancer

Signs to avoid: Leo, Sagittarius

*Your weekly luck is based on a scale of A to F, with A being the best luck and F being the worst.

guess what the cat dragged in...tired and withdrawn and irritable

I could use me some Keanu Reeves just "whoa" sex right now.

Yes, that and a whole lotta unutterable things.

Lately I've been having sexual thoughts about Matt Damon. He's been occuring in my dreams in the most alluring way and he's been good at it too. Kinda makes you wonder, hmmm. Even though I dislike him with a passion, his looks are too strong and masculine for me, the possibility of celeb sex of whatever kind will light my fire right now.

Guess who made 2 cappuchinos without the espresso today. Me. Guess who mistook caramel apple muffins for banana nut muffins and cranberry for blueberry. Me. Guess who has a written assignment to turn in on Friday of which she hasn't even written. Me. Guess who just thinks she is not good at any kind of job whatsoever.

Now, you see why I need K.R sex. Something to make the hairs stand on the back of my neck. Something asides from food which I seem to be indulging in a bit more lately.

I'll light a candle for my sanity tonight.

Does anyone else watch this show--Inside the Actor's studio? That show is the bomb as they say. It is just so revealing and indepth, better than all those other talk shows or other crap people show about interviews with actors, this one lets them educate as well as intimate us on the goings on of their careers. It is so Wow! makes me wanna be the movie business all over again.


I started the paralegal class on Friday. silly me didn't order the books so guess who had to take a test without studying for it yesterday. Yep! yours truly. I failed it so badly it wasn't even funny. My residual law knowledge didn't help this time. To top it off, I have a written assignment and yet another test due next week. I am so fucked with this. I hope being a paralegal pays me off well in the end. I am suffering big time to try and find ways to pass this class.

Word of Note:

It is only in this country that you find a History graduate working in a Law firm.
A fashion merchandising graduate working with a group of lawyers in an established Law firm.
And then a Law graduate working in a restaurant. Yep! only in this country. It kinda makes you think about what the Western world thinks about the educational capacity of people from the 3rd world.
I hope one day they'd get to wise up and put straws in the containers they belong.


I better get to my assignment.

I suddenly feel the need to move to some remote place where the economy is thriving, there is a good education system and the cost of living isn't so high. The people are warm and approachable and I can live off my antics and dreams. Like Mandrake Falls (the town in Mr Deeds) but bigger, a little less country too.

I can't put exactly into words the events that have made me come to this conclusion but I can highlight some of them.

1) Evasive career seems even more evasive as the days go by.

2) Job (not career, just hourly waged work) that one has is dangling by the thread of my dwindling capacity to continue with it, and theirs to continue with unpredicatble me.

3) However much I may hate my job it's the only one I have and unlike before I do not have anything under my sleeve as far as making money is concerned.

4)The education I spent the best years of my life in school for doesn't seem to guarantee my happiness, success and all that crap they told us it would as we toiled away in school.

5) I want to know that there are nice people somewhere. Nice people. People who actually give a shit about someone. I cut my finger the other day at work and everyone saw me washing the blood away at the sink, I was almost in tears. Yet, not even one of them asked what had happened to me. Nice people I crave them. Did they all disappear into some remote island.

6) Maybe in my own Mandrake Falls I can find happiness in the simple pleasures of life. Have my own space, make as much noise as I want to, and do what I please without having to pay the piper that feeds me. Solely search for my own peace and find it at my own pace.


I wish writing this had made me feel better. But it didn't.

I am home so early on a weekday. Asides from the fact that I am exhausted so I didn't mind being sent home but my boss at work cut my scheduled hours because of a blonde bimbo girl she hired. The blonde bimbo is nice, she's just so daft that atimes I wonder is it really true whht they say about blonde girls being so stupid? She makes the myth seem like fact. Anyways, I am going to make strong demands tomorrow for my hours to be reinstated. I have already told them I now have a job in a coffee job, which doesn't pay well, but it's like some kinda adventure everyday for me. I would want to enhance on it somewhat. It's a bit more challenging than the seating guests syndrome.

I didn't know making lattes, cappuchinos, espressos were really that complicated. I always heave a sigh of relief when someone wants a simple house coffee, I'm like finally something I can handle. But when there are 2 espresso orders at a time, it's murder, my heart rate goes up.

This is just me carrying out one of my fantasies of wanting to work in a coffee shop. I didn't get Starbucks but this is good training while I patiently wait for them to call on me, right?

To Keanu...at 38

First of all, Today is Keanu's 38th birthday. He is 10 years older than I am. He's about the only man I know that doesn't make me feel old. I hope he's having fun, I am having a blast just thinking about him having fun today. Yes, I am and I had a special day/wet dream about him this morning. *chuckle*

I especially asked God to give me a man that would be as close to him as him himself. Kind, gentle, soft spoken, and such a softy on the eyes. I always get all emotional when it's time for his birthday. I know, I know, this isn't a crush it's an obsession.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PLAYA!

Remembering how out of focus this horoscope thing is these day, that and the daily one I read from the AJC, I have decided to post it yet again, so when the weeke ends I can know how much farther from the truth it's getting. I already know it is off, because I am so broke right now, and it tells me Money A. Where is the windfall supposed to come from?

GEMINI
Your fascination with a particular subject has come at the expense of some deadlines that need attention. You may have to reassess why you value certain hobbies over what most would consider the more substantial elements of your life.

Your luck this week:
Love C, Money A, Work B*
Signs to Seek: Scorpio, Capricorn
Signs to Avoid: Sagittarius, Libra

Yes, it is me. And NO, my whole life isn't out of focus. Not yet anyway.

I am such a disgruntled young lady. Indeed, I am. I work a shitty job. A shitty job no less but I can't afford to loose it. Among other things, instead of getting a getter job I happen to always score for myself, some more shitty jobs, adding them onto the list of shitty jobs I have in my accolade. You would think by now, I could get a job that is good enough for my college repertoire. Nope. I get insulted everyday. Yes, I do. You went to college so what high wind brings you to join us in this shitty job? A High and Dusty Wind Tormentous and Horrid by every standard. But a Shitty job I can say is far, far more rewarding than No Job.

For the past 4 weeks I have spent all my money scraping and saving for a course. Then, I by God's Infinite mercy I make up the tuition money and pay online waiting for some sort of confirmation to the enormous amount of money I've paid them and I can't even get that. I am beginning to think it is some elaborate scheme to sap poor people like me of their money. But I shall hope and pray for the best. Good comes to those that have their eye on the prize.

However, more people have noticed my state of distress and have so far suggested and loaned me 2 self-help books of their own. One is for hoping in love and searching for life's partner, and the other is for those in distress of finding the perfect job and trying to get by on a minimal wage income in America. All good thoughtful books I might add. The last in the series I suspect would be a holy book, like a Christian book, or the all-inclusive bible to help me assimilate all that's been torn apart in my life. For the 2 books so cleverly suggested, I am still on the introduction pages and proud that people see in me someone in need of help waay before therapy will be suggested.

The lying cheating horoscope:

GEMINI
You can make some real progress if you're just prepared to take advantage of circumstances, so be ready to rush in and grab the opportunity if someone else falters. If you're asked for your advice or opinion, don't hesitate to give it. People are likely to respect you and listen to you. It could also be an excellent time to try to increase your income.

Your luck this week:
Love-B Money-A Work-A*
Signs to seek-Aries, Libra
Signs to avoid-Virgo, Taurus

Bobs and Bits from the Week

First of all, I think the men who are working on my basement are using my computer. I logged on today and found that all my "History" items had been completely wiped off. I know that trick from my porn surfing days, but knowing someone else is doing it, creeps me out.

I decided to clean out my closet considerably this weekend. This means I shall stop calling men unless they call me. Even when they do call me (if ever some of them do) I shall resist picking up the phone.

A very humiliating event happened to me on Thursday.

1) I called Ryan from my former job, my muse, and his first response when I said my name was: What do you want? He then proceeded to put me on hold for about 4 minutes.

2) I called my crush. Ever since the "I miss you incredibly" text message was sent, he has been, I suspect, dodging my calls. I have called, left voice messages--which aren't really my thing--and called over and over. The least he can do is reply, don't you think? Mr. I love everyone at work.

3) My ex who broke my heart in a million bits and pieces has taken the liberty of calling me everyday to find out, "What's up?" That is not really my thing right now. I don't want to dig my way back into his heart. It took me a while to dig my way out. I don't want to take his calls. Perhaps once a month if ever, but for now I don't.

So for these reasons and many others, I am cleaning out my closet, and as soon as I save enough money, I shall change my cell phone, change my number, phone provider, the works.

Yes, I am Lonely...but I am not stupid.

In other news, I shall be starting a new job in a coffee shop the very AM shift on Monday. Some dreams do come true, ayyy! *read some posts below to find out*

Sometime last week, when I spoke to my crush, he said to me that he loved everyone at work. He didn't use the word LOVE per se, he just said, he had nothing against anyone at work, that he likes everyone accordingly and cannot pinpoint anyone he has a problem with.

To tell you the truth I had been pondering those words ever since. Everytime someone at work crosses a line with me, or hits a nerve, I say to myself, "How can he say he loves everyone in here, does he have any idea how obnoxious A or B is? Geez? He musta been high or something when he said that." However, he did say that.

So today, after going through the usual petty grievances and squabbles with the usual pestering and "just want to break their neck" staff, I asked one of my co-workers if she loved everyone here.

I began by saying: "Do you like everyone in here, you know in that Hippie sorta way. Just like in the 70's when everyone wanted love to reign and that shit, do you feel that way about everyone? Let's have a group hug and love one another."

She answered first of all by disputing the era I had quoted correcting me that it was the 60's and not the 70's that the Hippies reigned, but to put it that way, yeah she does love everyone. She doesn't regard them enough to let their grievances or squabbles talk her into "hating" them.

Am I the only one who gets annoyed by co-workers, is it time for a shrink? Do I have anger issues? Just because I don't see heart signs when I have my little squabbles with people but rather see daggers, does that make me a bad person?

I don't see how my horoscope keeps professing that Love is in the air or a love encounter will happen for you soon, and then I live all day and not a single thing of note takes place. Shucks! they must have some other new moon Gemini in mind. Hopefully, him and I ;)

My ex from way back called me today. I was thinking about him today and he called, Geronimo! We had a lengthy ass conversation on the phone--I remember when I could kill to talk to him for that long---coming to think of it I have been thinking about him for awhile ever since I started calling my crush. The way they treat me is soo much alike, except for now my ex knows better so there's more respect in his tone, and I guess a few years from now, my crush will, I presume.

However, he was eager for me to come up to Jersey to come see him. Maybe for the ceremonial fuck that I've been dying to have for the past 2 years. Nope! I'd sleep with a total stranger first before I sleep with him again. The whole idea of moving abroad was to sample new men, not re-sample the old ones in new soil. Geez!

Last night, I made up my mind. I don't want to screw my crush's brains out anymore. I really don't. I just want us to be close, really close so much that it overwhelms our feelings for each other like Keanu and Shelia close. As close as his friendship with that other mystery girl he talked about it are, that close. That isn't too mcuh to ask now, is it Cupid? Really close. *hint hint*

Subject: my analysis of things
Time: 11:00 pm.
Mood: experimental.
Music: pretty baby..vanessa carlton.

I have decided to spend a lot of time with myself.

That means going out, finding a place to retreat, reading a book by the park or sipping a cappuchino at the bookstore, or spending hours sampling CD's at the record store and most of all doing some window shopping on my satisfying budget of strawberry milkshake and large fries.

You see this used to be my agenda when I lived in London. I lived with a family of about 10 people in a house yet I spent most of the time there by myself finding out what I enjoyed, seeking for self peace, and in so many ways I found that and I suppose that is what I miss.

I remember all those days when I didn't have a car I used to want to do any of these things but was limited because of my transportation problems but now I do, gas costs me a lot more than it does the others but I do have a mode of transportation I can use to take myself, anywhere. The good thing about that time is that I was alone and I didn't feel a tad bit lonely. I didn't feel like it was time for me to get into a relationship already or it was time for me to have kids, or do something with my life. Because I was. I was at peace with myself which is more than most people who have these things can say for themselves.

On Sex and the City tonight Carrie aired my thoughts in one single sentence when she said, I am lonely. I felt like yelling to her, Fuck Yeah, I am. I am so much. Once agin, I have myself, in a house full of people, working in a place filled with people, in a people job, yet I am lonely. Almost sounds ironic, doesn't it? Then, I searched my mind as to a time when I didn't feel any of these melancholic-ness, boredom, or strangeness of circumstances, and I found it came when I spent a good portion of my time finding me, with me.

You see people spend so much time analysing relationships, not enough time doing the act. Doing as in, spontaneity. In my loneliness, I have lost all spurs of spontaneity and have spent more time analysing the places I should be seen, I should go, where I can drink to meet a guy or to have some fun, and what I can do to grasp my evasive career. Not enough time, doing, or being, myself. Of which there really isn't anything wrong with that.

So much to the chagrin of my horoscope---it suggested that home shall be a good place for me to spend my time this week---I shall do otherwise. Meet up with myself in the places I like to go, and spend some time doing a whole bunch of spontaneous acts that I shall live to regret not doing.

This week's horoscope scares me:

Home is where you'd rather be than just about any place else right now. So try to take the opportunity to beautify your home and make some improvements that will lift your spirits. You may be creating too much stress for yourself by hanging on to some old problems. Just focus on what you can change, and accept what you can not.

Your luck this week:
Love-B, Money-C, Work-C*
Signs to seek-Aquarius, Aries
Signs to avoid-Pisces, Virgo

You know how you yearn for some stupid things or wish on some funny stars for weird stuff to happn to you.

I've always wanted to work in a coffee shop, say Starbucks or that other one in London, of which I don't know why I forget the name. Especially the morning shift when people come in to grab their early morning jolts of cappuchino, dark roast, all their latte's and muffins. It was big in Europe, slightly big right now in some parts of downtown, and that was when the fever came over me. The coffee shop cafe fever. I remember when they were doing a mass hiring stint but I coudn't go because they wanted the hirees to produce a Birtish passport like most British citizens ever have one.

I would love to work in cafe in Europe later on in life when I've done this eveasive career thing to death. I would love to work in one that has seats overlooking the river or the canal or just by the street. I would waitress or cook, or just serve food. I thought about moving to Savannah and working in one, because that's the only town close by where I've observed that way of life. But I didn't and I haven't. I do't have the balls to do that. Maybe, maybe next summer.

However, adding to my cravings or lifelong dreams. I thought about another one today. Spending the weekend with some special person in a loft by the ocean. We could take long walks by the beach, make love on the sand, wake up and kiss each other longingly with our morning breaths and not think about work or the hassles of the city for one full weekend. It would be pure bliss. This is more of a right-now wish than the former.

I called Ryan today. He sounded, distant, or maybe it was the wine I had been having that made me think so. He was happy to hear from me, but he couldn't recognise my voice. I get edgy when people don't recognize my voice from the first hello. I think he was more disappointed that I called him when I was half drunk on 2 glasses of wine. He said, "You call me only when you're drunk?" Like anything else could possess me to dial his number otherwise. Then, I sent him a text message that professed how much I missed him.

It read: I miss you incredibly. Should I?

I don't know if it was the wine or my tiredness at bullshitting him about the way I feel, I just felt that it was time I coughed up something inside me and that seemed like a good enough time as any to do it---when I was half-drunk. But I do miss him. I even wrote this "I hate you" poem about him. But something inside keeps telling me, he's only 20 years old, handsome, charming and very out of your league. And then something else tells me, "What they heck, you have nothing to lose except your stupidity/dignity which I've already lost by moving into this country, so why not, if not.. You never know."

I just wish I knew what was going down at the other end of the spectrum.

So my weekend was blah. I have so much time on my hands I don't know what to do with it. So much time, I do't know what to do with it. Except send insinuating text messages to men who never call me.

By this time last week, I was on this unimaginable high because I had thought my career was ready to careen.

For the first time, I got a call from a recruiter and I sat through a 2 hour interview in which I shockingly impressed the hell out of him. I went to work feeling superior, high and very intellectual with myself. That shift went by just as wonderfully as it had begun for me, and I crowned the night with some suggestive words scribbled onto my crush's soft hands.

This week. It started bad. It is still bad. Nothing has made it good. I don't even want to try and look for something to get me out of this rut. You would think after a whole week a recruiter would call, but so far none of them can recall my number. I am still working on one job and by the looks of it that one job is dangling on a thread considering I am no longer concentrating on it at all.

I am out of words right now. I am off to have icecream and alcohol hoping something will get me out of this mood.

Yesterday was a day of conversations:

1) The supposedly rude one I had with a guest at our restaurant for which I can't remember for some strange reason.

2) The one I had with my boss in which she berated me for the alleged rude conversation and for being uncooperative with the rest of the 16 year old staff.

3) The one I had with my mum and my sister in which instead of getting their support on the altercation I had at work they in turn berated me some more for being antsy and irritable about nothing towards everybody.

4) The one I had online with my LJ friend rnddaway in which she encouraged me through her comments to "go get my man."

5) And the best one of all, the one I had with my crush on the phone in which he actually sounded excited to hear from me.

I could go on and on about this last one, all I shall say is, it made my fucking day: the things he said, how he said them, and how he consoled me to be happy about life. It made me remember the simple times, the simple life, when everything was so breezy, when I used to love everyone and everything.

I hope cupid is giving me another chance at this because I sure as heck would appreicate it.

Just a day, just an ordinary day.

This weekend I said goodbye to 2 very important people in my dwindling love life. My crush and my muse.

Both of them bearing the same name surprisingly---Ryan.

My crush has officially stopped work for the summer and moved back to college, and I officially and finally quit my other job, the one in which my muse is housed. So he still works there but I don't, and I still work in the same establishment as my crush but he doesn't anymore. It is so weird to go to work knowing that I don't have that to look forward to, I don't have him to distract me, and I don't have his face to charm me. It reminds me of when I was so into Sola and he would leave school to go home early and there would be no reason for me to stay in school once he's left. I would soon leave some days later. There would be no point to my days, no depth to my life.

And it already felt weird saying goodbye to my muse on Saturday, telling him I would miss him immensely and having him laugh shyly the way he did, pretending that he wouldn't miss me too. The living A rating in my love life has dropped astonishly to a D at this point.

Feel as empty as a drum, don't know why it didn't come. don't know why it didn't come.

Am I being unneccessarily emotional about this, I guess but I am that emotional towards stupid things, I don't have a pet and I don't have cuddly animals I hold onto. I just have facets of little amusements in my life, and I cringe when I don't have them to make me quiver with happiness. I sink into this little pity party.

Horoscope:

GEMINI
You may find that there just aren't enough days in the week for you to manage everything that you have to deal with. There are bound to be a number of important decisions that will require quite a bit of your attention, and you might have to put a few things on hold while you're busy trying to make some progress.

Your luck this week:
Love-C Money-B Work-B*
Signs to seek-Libra, Leo
Signs to avoid-Sagittarius, Virgo

I am a very passionate person, about a whole lot of things. When I want to be passionate with someone, I remember every conversation we've had, every time they've touched me, and every single thing we did or neglected to do together. I guess that's what makes me a hopeless romantic in more ways than I need to be.

The last conversation I suspect I shall have with my crush was on Thursday night. He came up and sat beside me, and I inquired about our aborted movie date the day before. He didn't really want to go and I could tell. Then, I wrote down 3 words with a marker on the palm of his soft pale hand. I remember those words so well because they might eventually make or break me.

Spontaneity. Spontaneous. Wild Weekend.

I explained the first 2 but the last one I let his imagination run wild with. Why do I remember random stupid things like these? It was just one of those moments where you just want to hold onto it, and hopefully make the best of it because it might not happen again. One of those few chance encounters cupid gives us a chance to explore. I guess the last word sort of ruined the long line of sense the first 2 seemed to be making. I guess. However, I shall often or not remember that day, the words, and smirk on his face for a long time to come.

Cupid give me one more chance. Please.

hey,
I didn't go to work this evening. I was supposed to be at my other job, the one in which I have my muse, the one in which this is my last weekend. I don't know what's wrong with me. I was fine when I went to work last night and came down and wrote in here, I was fine when I drove to work waay too early and sat in my car meditating, all through that I was fine. I think it was in between the time my boss brought an MIT to train with me that I kinda lost the verve to do anything, or just feel anything. I went numb, carried a frown all through the day and I just slumped into this pity party and it has been that way since.

So avoiding any further complications for myself, I quickly called the other job and gave out my shift. Can you imagine, Moi who begs for extra shifts giving out one?

Then, I ran to watch the new Vin Diesel movie...XXX after work. It was good, it didn't cheer me up though. I guess I lost the verve for the movie when I realised that there was a 3month old baby in the seat next to me so I couldn't moan for Vin as much as I wanted to, and most of all, I realized the dumb ass movie was rated PG 13, who wants to see Vin in a PG anything movie with a XXX title, what the fuck? I almost cried that I couldn't get my money's worth out of it.

So here I am home alone, because I think everyone left the house to go somewhere (hopefully not to watch XXX), sipping a stale Foster's and text messaging my crush (who suprisingly gave me the correct phone number). Foolish, foolish I am.

I am still burned out though. I wnet shopping and even that didn't help. The mext strategy, my hair. Maybe, getting it done will lift my spirits, that and cut tape of Vin's naked body I was so deprived of. I think it's mainly all this career change talk I've been in for the past couple of weeks that has had me shriveled and dried up of any simple thoughts. i am 28 so i need a more civilized job, i can't keep on ushering people to their seats all my life, there has to be something better for me to do with my life, isn't there?

Put a Spell on You

Sometimes, I look at some men and i think loudly: why can't God grant me the wish to bang this man?

A list ensues:

1) Anthony Kiedis; yes, I would like to get down with him, don't look so surprised.

2) Keanu...of course.

3) Vin Diesel...who wouldn't?

4) Russell Crowe..yes, he may be an Aussie brute but a fine one I'd say

5) My crush

You see in my entire life, I have this to say about men. I am not the prettiest woman in the bunch, I may not have the body of a super model, and I may not walk, or act like one (thank goodness) but I tell you this for sure, there is no man I have set my sights on that hasn't fallen prey to sleeping with me. No one. It is just one of those things. I don't know if it's my generous bosoms, my infectious laughter, of just my charming personlaity, but yes, if I wanted that booty I always got that booty. No matter if the guy was married, with someone, or just plain pompous and waiting for some gorgeous girl (Insert Sola in here)

This guy I cannot crack. WTF?!!

Today, someone asked me to please get a man. Just anybody. Somebody so my body can stop feeling cold all the damn time. I wish. What am I doing wrong? Don't people want ass, free ass that bdaly around here? Or are they wiating for the super models bullshit? Please tell me? Something about his just doesn't fit together with all the configurations I have of men everywhere. And it's not like I am a stranger to men and their wants.

So that being said, if I can't score a sinple gentleman I work with, how more these other men I've listed????

Write Down Your Dreams

 

Have faith in the validity of your dreams and believe in your talents and skills. Today's New Moon encourages you to establish those procedures and routines that allow you the freedom, range and independence that you crave - although this does presume that you have clarified your own definition of "freedom," "range" and "independence."

That piece of a daily horoscope adequately describes the kinda day I had.

I am such an intellectual snub. Tonight I passed up on the opportunity to go out drinking with some friends from work including my crush just because I didn't think we would have anything intellectually stimulating to talk about. Which is so true it's appalling.

All day I have been working on my evasive career.

I went for some tests in a temp agency so they can find me some office jobs. I did so good that I actually impressed myself. All these Internet junkyard I've been up to just might pay off. Then, on that high I went to a 2 hour meeting sort of a discussion with the VP of Primerica, and he showed me just how stupid I had become since working in the food business. I didn't even know what the fuck Dow Jones was!??? It was that bad. However, I shall turn a new leaf, looking forward to expanding my dwindling mind further.

So after going through the kinda day I had, I just didn't really want to sit around and talk bullshit with my co-workers, crush or no crush inclusive, over some tequilas and stuff. That is just not cutting it for me, at all.

So here I am sipping the alcohol in my private hour, and pondering what the VP told me today. He said, if you want your dreams to come true in this world, the first step to getting them achieved is by writing them down.

Hey! I am so gonna write them down. Are you?

681175
681175
681175

You know what that is: that is Sola's phone number.

3 years later on a hot wednesday afternoon, you'd ask why do I still remember that phone number? I can't remember how many times I dialed that number, how many times I dialed it from a phone booth, from a stranger's house, from an admirer's house. Just to speak to him. I went far and wide.

You see we had a phone that was broken for about 5 years. So any dating I wanted to do had to be done from an external phone. But that didnt stop me. How could it, when you want to hear someone's voice so badly, you'd travel, journey even walk to the phone booth 2 miles away just so you can dial the number. And dial it several times I did.

Every time it'd ring, I'd pray to myself, that he'd be home, and if he were that he'd be in the mood to speak to me. In that I want to talk to her nicely mood for a change. Even if it was the reverse. I'd still call him again and again. Still pick up a phone anywhere and still find myself dialing that number. It was almost like a trance. See a phone dial 681175. Those were the steps.

I only think about it today because, today my crush gave me his number. That is one thing. The other is, I don't want to call. I don't want the number to be another 681175 for me. Why so? Well, because my friend even though I am hundreds of miles away from Sola or any of his enchanting powers over me, I still feel myself falling into that circle. He treats me just like Sola did, I act just like I did with Sola and I like him just like I did Sola, without reason.

I wonder how Sola is doing these days. I would like to dial that number just one more time. Just to ask him how he's doing. He should be 29 now. About the only man I know now that is at least older than I am. Ask him if he's met his gorgeous woman yet, he was always fascinated with them--gorgeous women. Find out if he ever thought of me all through these years, even if it was just once for just one split second in 3 years. Ask him, if he ever liked me at all, and what it was about me that scared him away, put him off me, that made him so afraid of talking to me. So many questions, so many burnt bridges. I just want to know...it would make it easier to understand my crush right now...understand me, and understand why I like men like him, that are so like him, that treat me with just as much disrespect as he did.

681175. Aaargh! the power that number had on me. I can't look at those digits the same way ever again.

I hope I can resist the same temptation with these digits I have now. Hope I can. Men, why do we let them have these overwhelming effect over us, even if we say we are over them, we never truly are.

The only reason I am updating tonight is cos' I am tired of looking at the last sentnence of my last update. Something about it sounds so pitiful, that and the first sentence which is me trying to make something out of a chance encounter than it wa ssupposed to be. I don't know I am just bitter because my horoscope said Love was a C, and Work was a C, and then Money a B, meanwhile I don't have 2 nickels to rub together. It has been so wrong for the past couple of weeks, giving love an A meanwhile everyone hates my gut. But this one week I wanted to be reassured that it would somehow lead to second base both at work and at play. I have some job leads I aim to pursue I am hoping something good comes out of them. Also, I am hoping and praying for love, in th cupid sense and also hoping some good comes out of that too.

So either way, I need something wonderful to happen to me. I don't want to hold back for any goodness keep it coming, you know.

The weekend was okay. Not that great, my work was dwindling and I wished I had money to shop Tax-free for once. However, I am glad that I am still alive. Don't you say that sometimes?


GEMINI
Make sure that you plan and schedule your life sensibly. Things are likely to get even more hectic in the days ahead no matter how carefully you might prepare. Try to curb any impatience and remember to remain realistic about your expectations. Any important work issues should be resolved by the end of the week.

Your luck this week:
Love-C Money-B Work-C*
Signs to seek-Leo, Libra
Signs to avoid-Virgo, Cancer

And speaking of lunches, today we almost had lunch together. I was finishing up mine or rather rushing over mine once I saw him walking towards me, when he came to sit down to eat beside me.

We got talking again, this time he greeted me with more enthusiasm than he did the last time, and we sorta recapped the events of the day before. We were in the midst of getting to that jill scott moment, yes, that "Long Walk" moment where she says maybe we can listen to the blues or a symphony, because Norah Jones's "Don't know why" started to blast from the stereo setting the mood right, when some people felt we had nothing personal to discuss so they decided to join us, and chat about work. Damn!

I am in a detached mood tonight. I don't know why. I am just tired of all this spending time alone, with my mum, with my mysterious online friends, just with "nothing," doing "nothing" and it has put me in this detached mood. Tomorrow's Saturday. You would think I could find something better to do, but I don't. I just have a long list of plans of the same thing that I have been doing several saturdays before. I am not with someone or planning with someone, I am just detached, seperated from myself lost inside myself.


Is there a cupid somewhere I can pray to?

So many extraordinary things happened today, some of them out of the ball.

The girl that pissed me off the other day at work found her self coming over to apologize about her behaviour. she had a lot to say and at first I didn't want to give her the pleasure but then I thought what the heck, yes, I am angry and vindictive because you were a demeaning bitch to me. And that was that. But it still threw me out of my wits that she could suck up her pride to that, I wouldn't.

The billboard underneath the gas station a centimeter from where I work collapsed and killed 3 people. This is the most drama my neighborhood has ever had. There were 4 choppers floating in the sky, news buses all over the street, and the very street I drive past everyday on my way to work was featured in the news over and over. Moreover, 3 people lost their lives today, that is so awkwardly overwhelming, it freaks me out.

I also called a truce with my crush. Nothing major, or rather I don't want to talk about it too much unless my scheming head would read more meaning into a simple conversation than there should be. But it was a "coming to grips" with a nothingness conversation, an acceptance of defeat thing, and being a friend more than an enemy kind of relationship that we both reached, or at least I reached, and I guess I'll just play it by heart from now, and work on my evasive career let's see if that can keep me occupied.

But I can't help having dreams of sex, having sex, being sexed up, being in a room full of people having sex, just a crazy sexual insinuation. It is freaky but my subconscious is surfacing to tell me, it's time to get laid.

I want to have lunch with you.
I want to sit and listen to you chew as we talk
About the immature thoughts our hearts sometimes harbor.
I want to think with you,
I don't want to wonder what your mind thinks when I may not be with you
I want to sit with you
Listen to our lips talk about the fluttering love we may someday make
Dancing heartbeats we fight so hard to conceal
Dashing eyelids we roam around to avail
Them from meeting one another's
I want to just gently tip your hand as we sit
Knowing that this is real
Before me right now
Not one of the premature pleasures
My heart has let my mind wonder in my private hour
I want to know that yes, you are here before me
And it is I, who sits with you as you eat
And it is you, who longs to watch me beofre you.
So let's have lunch, shall we?

To be or not to be...that is the question that surrounds this week's horoscope.

Today--July 30th-- is my brother's birthday, he turned 31, and for a present his company decided to promote him, isn't that a trip? I am so happy for him, at least someone is doing something with the education he got, unlike some of us.

Am I the only one who goes to work and always, always comes back complaining about a shitty day? Lately, I've been.

This week's horoscope is below and I hope it comes close to referring to my own Gemini not another one ins some other funky planetary arrangement. At least this time it doesn't say avoid Pisces and Saggitarius like it always does.

GEMINI
If you're not currently attached, keep in mind that there could be some interesting new opportunities between now and the end of the year for you. You may be feeling somewhat more decisive and secure about yourself and you could be ready to start having a lot more fun, even if it ends up costing you something.

Your luck this week:
Love-A Money-C Work-B*
Signs to seek-Aries, Leo
Signs to avoid-Virgo, Taurus

Do you know what annoys me most about this weblog...No one except I the author reads it.
I and I suspect the people I am talking about. Because some days after I discuss them on here, call it suspicion but they start to act all weird around me.

I have decided to start writing again seriously. I cannot take it anymore. I have so many emtions and confusions I am going through right now, even though I am "out of the house", interacting more and not a solitude as I once was when I wrote some of my best work, but I am still faced with so much loneliness and hollow just as well as if I were alone. Like the crowded room feeling lonely effect, I guess. When does it stop?

Last night, I called Ryan at my other job to tell him the girl I had been trying to hook him up with was going to be there today. He stupidly calls my house back at 10:30. Normally, this might not be a bad move except everyone goes to bed at my house at 9:00. My bro-in-law was livid. I was amused and wondering what they would say to me the next day...which was today.

Today, my mum wakes up and starts going on about the whole marriage talk. She starts by saying she had a dream in which I brought someone to her, my ex-boyfriend actually and I was all over him, introducing him as my fiance. Then, she rounds up by asking who it was that called last night. I tell her, it was my friend, and narrate how upset everyone was that he called that "late". She refutes the fact that it was late, repeating Ryan's words coincidentally. The day was just a pup, how late really is 10:30. Then, she links that to her lecture on getting a date which I classify in my mind as operation get laid first before we get a man. She goes on and on about how I can get dates from the singles meetings in our church, that there are lots of eligibles in there. Whenever we have this talk, it makes me feel old, and nearing the pith of frustration. It makes me think, am I truly devoid of all youthfulness that I have to take advice from my mother about where to get a date? Then, I stare at my youthful face in the mirror for hours wondering when the late 20-something bitterness will set in then I walk around with a mopey look on my face all damn day.

IN the end, her conversation succeeded. To top it off, my sister calls me during the day asking me why the guy had called me for a "booty call." And I am like bewildered. I just got a callback from doing cupid for someone, not like anyone volunteers to do cupid for me, but it was just a callback. So everyone lighten the fuck up. It's not a date, not my boyfriend, not anything near it. Just a guy who happens to find me very interesting, interesting enough to want to chat with me evryday at work, and whom I find extremely amusing. No one's made me laugh as much as he does everytime we work together. No one. However, he is not my boyfriend, not my booty call, and nothing near affectionate towards me. I JUST NEED TO GET FUCKING LAID OKAY. Ahem...Trusting that marriage would come later.

So I go to work, sporting the mopey look all through the day. And guess who comes in after work to dissipate the lovely cheer we were all having as we were eating lunch. Him. Cute co-worker. Him. He doesn't talk to me. I don't look at him. Ryan had given me some sensitive advice which I should have given myself a long time ago. Ignore him. I did. It hurt so much too. It felt slightly childish. But I did. The hard part about it was, there was nothing to ignore because coincidentally (yes, I am using that word for the 3rd time) he ignored me too. I was like What The Fuck? Aren't you gonna even play with me and give me the pleasure of ignoring you? Nope. He didn't He sat far away from us and cuddled and smiled with every single one on my table except yours truly. I was like, "This is not getting any easier I can tell you that?" Someone will think we've had sex already. We hadn't, and already he's ignorin me, what if we had.

His worse than Sola I swear. But at least Sola would hint to you that you should meet him up later for sex. And then ignore you. Not before. Not because I gave him my freaking number. Are we lightening the fuck up around here? I would think I de-flowered him?

This whole thing is complicating my already depressing evening. I leave the little soiree which he had already made sour and head out to Target. And guess who calls: my best friend. I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

I am home now. I just wish something exciting would happen though. Like him calling, or someone calling even if it is my Ryan calling.

So I am not high. I wish I could be. It would take the edge off slightly.

Lovers Loss

I am so high, I can touch heaven.

I am so high I can touch heaven

....

Hero by Chad Kroeger

I am sipping on some Chardonnay right now, and reading through my mail after a very peaceful day at work.

Yes, peaceful in that I long for peaceful days now, drama-less days, days where I don't have to be told what to do, where to go, what I am doing wrong, cross anyone's path knowingly or unknowingly, get talked about. Yes, Drama-less days.

I had one today. One extra special one because I got to cover someone's shift so I made some extra money. It was all good. Some people liked my Afro and some didn't. Some people wondered why I took the luscious weave down so I told them I was rebelling and the "fro is my way of doing so. And they inquired as to what...but I didn't care. Home life is a bit edgy right now, and I haven't caught up with my finances until I do, THE 'FRO stays.

Cute co-worker came by today to eat with his family. I ignored him and he noticed but he didn't ask me why and I didn't wanna know why. I was so high on my own that I really didn't care. His mum might be British like he had mentioned sometime ago, I don't know, all I know is that she is butt-ugly and made the finest babies, how come? He stood around for awhile and he left just as unceremoniously as he came in. I am not worried, he'll be back if my self-confidence remains this way. He'll be back. Ryan at my other job said if he were him, he'd be jumping for joy to get a sexual request from an older woman. He'll be high, like I am now. But they must make men differently these days because, young blood wasn't leaping with excitement, he preferred to "hang out" with his friends over me. Isn't that sad? I was doing his dick a favor.

So until that time, I am still high. Happy with myself. Wishing home life and my finances were better but choosing not to dwell on it. Can't do anything about it now except hope. I've decided to revive my writing, my self-expression of love, hope, life, and me. It's the only way I cleanse myself from inside out. I can only fight to let the artist inside of me out, and unleash my hunger to the world in words.

Ignore me, I am high, pure and simple.

GEMINI

It should be fairly easy for you to make a positive impression on people right now. Whether you are single or attached, opportunities for new and improved relationships are bound to be all around you. This would be a great time to try to improve your communication skills, and don't forget to spend some time tending to any important career or social matters.

Your luck this week:

Love-A, Money-C, Work-B*

Signs to seek-Aquarius, Leo

Signs to avoid-Pisces, Sagittarius

I am fine.

A little bruised on the ego bit but I am fine. The events of yesterday with the whole crush confessional ordeal just hit my ego big time, and it left me wondering, if he could tell a total stranger, well, someone he is not the best of pals with this itty bitty detail of my talks with him how much more has he told the rest of the clique he has been hanging out with.

But I am fine. Last night, I stayed awake talking to my best friend's brother who always finds a way to crack me up. My friend is in London right now and may be coming here by next week tops. Maybe it is her number that's been dialing mine and I've been wondering who it was. Anyway, it feels good to know that real friends are on the way and hopefully all this lonesomeness will be clarified.

I woke up this morning slightly downcast, urging myself to forget about it, and I did, well until I got to work and thank goodness he wasn't there!

I just asked God to let me wake up one day and ask myself, "What was I thinking?" That day cannot come any sooner. It'll be better if he stopped hanging around me so much whenever he's working. He always comes to sit with us, or listen in on our conversations or just ask us a question sometimes even flirts with the other girl I work with. Why is he doing that, I wonder at times? But that day SHALL come, I see it in the future. I am Gemini, we forget people just like that. *snaps fingers*

I came home today slightly torn up that I don't have any wild weekend plans so as a consolation I glued my eyes on Sweet November. Let me feast my obsession on Keanu for now. It's healthy and holds less risk of ego damage.

Today was a weird kinda day, with loads of ups, and intricate downs.

Work was slow.

I didn't log on last night onto the computer because I was watching Vanilla Sky---a complete waste of my time and anybody else's who bothered to see it.

So work today was slow like I said. My crush and I had spoken yesterday and he had promised that today after work we would go do something together, something G-rated. Since he says I scare him too much so let's do something that isn't as scary as his imagination has led him to believe I am.

So there I was waiting for work to end, and it did. So I waited after work, waiting for him to come up to me to say, hey girl, okay let's go. But he didn't. Instead he just sat somewhere faraway from where I was sitting, and kept his gaze fixed on me, I could feel him boring a hole in the back of my shirt.

So I sit there wondering, should I go or should I stay? Should I ask him infront of all those people he was talking to, should I? Then, my new boss comes up to me and asks me to take some stuff to another store close by as a favor to all of them. I hesitate at first and then I go, inviting John, cute associate for which I had erotic dream about some days ago to come along with me. He didn't flinch he immediately jumped into my car and off we went.

Something about the conversation we had that blew me away. John is a lot deeper, older (just by a couple of years) and a lot more interesting than my crush is. But he said he isn't attracted to anyone at work. He said it repeatedly that I started to wonder if maybe he thought I liked him. I asked him why repeatedly but he just shyed away from the answer. He talked about how he spends so much, how he isn't ready for a relationship, how much money he is expecting to make when he gets out of school. The conversation was so innocent with underlying intelligence in it, that I had wished I had made my move first to John instead of old proud boy here.

We come back and my crush is still sitting in the same spot I left him eating this time. The flies around him have dispersed so I go on to ask him:

"So did you forget about our plans for today?

He replies, "No he didn't but he has to go play soccer in a couple of hours so what can we do..."

We move to a more quieter plae to talk and he says to me,

"I know you want to fuck my brains out."

To which I reply, "...among other things." He laughs cynically in response like that request would never be answered.

He asks me to teach him my language, what it sounds like to say, "I want to fuck you" in it. I say something else like "I wish I could bang your head against a wall for making me like you so much."

But to him I say something like, "I'll teach you sometime, maybe when we are in bed or something." He acts like he doesn't understand, so I use a line from Vanilla sky, "maybe in another time when we are both cats."

He laughs again, foolishly, annoying me that he has taken the hint but he just doesn't want to act on it.

The underlying annoyance of the whole conversations comes when someone sees us talking but decides to join us on our table. He immediately tells him, she wants to fuck my brains out. And the guy, whom I hardly talk to at work, replies, "hey, you are both adults, consenting adults so do whatever you both feel like. It's a free country."

I am so embarassed but I act like I am not so as not to show the truthfulness in the statement. He explains further that I was chatting him up because I wanted to hang out with him. I nod in response showing that this is the only part of the narrative I agree with. The other guy urges him on to call me, to take me somewhere then, invite me to go hang out with him and his friends, just do something. He agrees, I disagree quietly.

As I watch John from the back of my eye watching us talk for that long and the betrayal in his eyes just shows how confused he is about the nature of the whole thing, I stand up and head out the door disappointed in myself.

Yep! this is just deja vu of my past. It was so bad that I had to tell him that, "This is bad, It is so bad that I am actually begging you to hang out with you."

What kind of life is this? This is deja vu of all those days with Sola, when I used to beg him to invite me to his parties, to his boat, to his house, to call me. I thought I was moving forward in my life not going back to old hurts. This is so reminiscent of the past I ran away from.

The only reasonable thing he asked me all through our conversation was, why I didn't want to go visit my country, and for a minute he acted like he really wanted to know the answer, just for that split second, it seemed like he was interested in who I was, what am about, but then when the other guy came, it was arrogant, I want to fuck his brains out theme all through.

It was a semi-good day. I have no complains, just wish it had turned out better that's all. I am overwhelmed with sorrow for myself. I felt downcast this monring about this whole lack of friends, lack of clique bullshit and then the events of today just sorta reiterated it. Instead of clarifying my judgement of life it made it all the more foggy...which I didn't need at all.