Sometime in the past

I think I am in God's bad books for 2006. You know how you feel when you keep praying for some light at the end of the tunnel, or just some kind if saving grace from a problem and instead of chipping away, it gets worse, it just escalates to something worse. I try to not to think every day should be perfect, it should be raindrops on roses, every single time, but when you are going through some intense difficulty, and it doesn't chip away slowly, and there is no one to turn to for help, you start to wonder, now I understand why people kill themselves, now I understand why people get diagnozed with depression and just don't want to move from asingle spot because they cannot handle it, at all. Why do we even get upset when people die, thank goodness they don't have to face this complicated life.

where've I been

Where've I been? I cannot begin to tell you.

Everywhere and nowhere, in my head, in my thoughts, deep in my heart, wandering, thinking, wishing, day dreaming, just sinking into despair, and using every bit of hope, faith and good ole fashion retail therapy to hang on to reality, to still be here. In times like these, words seem so inconsequential, so filled with nothingness, like they don't won't make a single difference. And there's still me. Holding onto nothing.

I have been thinking a lot about relocating. Soemtimes you think maybe it's the hole that I am in that makes me seem invisible, and then, I spent the latter part of last month and some weekends this month, looking for a new apartment. Meanwhile I have 5 months left on my lease and I love my apartment. There are so many condo developments in Atlanta, and you just go visit them, and it's like it's a slice of life, this people are living life, fresh, alive and heartbeating in the wind, and what are you doing, nothing, just holding onto nothing. Of course I cannot afford to live in one that's even 700 square feet, and then, that saddens me, and then, I wonder, why on earth am I studying when I cannot even get a decent paralegal job.

Then, I thought of networking, I went to a whole bunch of seminars, and workshops. I found that the people there were more interested in trying to market their firm to the corporation that you work for more than vice versa. They think, if you are not gainfully employed then, what on earth are you doing here? Holding onto nothing, I suppose, hoping it won't give way.

Then, I tried retail therapy. I finally got enough balls to get my TREK bike and my PDA, it arrives in 3 weeks, because I put so many add-on's, then, I bought a textbook, and in a couple of minutes, I am going to get some CD's. There's so much retailing going on.

So I haven't been studying, I haven't been dining out, I haven't been to the movies, I haven't been to any plays, I had one interview and it flopped, and I have just been kinda just hoping for a miracle, holding onto that hope and faith. It's not nothing, it's a little more.