hey

It's xmas, or whatever's left of it, so why am I online instead of doing something else, there is nothing else, I must have checked the tv like a million times and there's nothing there that interests me whatsoever.

I don't know Xmas has lost all its adorning fever to me. This whole "tell the kids the gifts are from Santa" crap must be the most stupid ungrateful misconceived act ever. Tell the kids who it's from so they know who to thank and how to behaave all year until the next Xmas, it's that simple. Throughout today my nieces do not have any idea who gave them what or which and it irks me at what morals this idea of Santa may be breeding in them, but then again, this is no time to preach...it's Xmas.

I spoke to my best friend tonight, and she sounded like she was haviing fun, good for her, cos I know she deserves it she hasn't been over the weather a lot lately. She has the same woes I have, "when will our life start?"

There was this phrase we learnt in school and I absolutely forgot what it meant and it's been cracking my brain for awhile, she reminded me what it was while she was advising me to stay sane, and take a grip of myself, she said : "you're a good person, and good things will come, okay because res ipsa loquiter."

I asked what does that mean again: she replied, "the facts speak for themselves" (and no external evidence is needed, blah, blah, blah)

That was sweet, and definitely the high point of my day. (well that and the re-run of the concert for NY city which starred BSB doing the acapella I so love) because I remembered what I am, where Ive been and what I am made of, and so nothing can take that away, no matter how far removed from it I may seem to be right now. It was a definite ME moment.

I miss my friends. I do. I wonder what sola is up to this xmas, certinly not missing me, but either way I still wonder...more or less him, I wonder what evil deed he's been up to, is he sitting with a glass of irish creme like I am pondering all the stupid stuff that took place this year like I am now, or filling out a stupid entry in a journal.

I do not know.

I am gonna read my fave story of all time written by yours truly which if you read my 5 best stories review you would know what story it is.

Of Old Loves and Crushes

Sometimes, I think how different my November would have been if I had been given any of the offers like Keanu was given in that movie, Sweet November, you know. Maybe, possibly by him, something just something that would inculcate these ingredients to my magic recipe: You, Me, Exciting Life, Run Away from the present, Steal Away. I would swiftly reply: "Yeah, thats the potion that is calling my name."

Today as I was waiting outside, I thought I saw a guy that had eyes like Sola, and then Sola's face came to mine, those eyes, so much like Keanu's, only on a black man's. I just remembered how tall he is, and how he would call my name and I would giggle foolishly, and then he would stare into me with those smoldering eyes and the world would seem like it was stopping right there and then cause my breath would hang in a tight spot. It was such an out of body experience, I yearned for it like a drug!

I thought today that I do need that high now, maybe just for Xmas, he would come, with that recipe: You, Me, escape, Boredom, Steal Away, and I would go blindly, he might just get to the you me part and I would still go with him. I need that high for awhile. Then, I thought maybe we could hide out for one whole week, the week until Xmas, maybe till the 28th, and do naughty things to each other all damn day, hardly step out of the room, drink our Xmas egg nog indoors wrapped up in the same sheets with our body heat for warmth. Wow! What a blessed Xmas that would be! Then, I would float on that high as I resume my mundane life, I would float on the high of the taste that once burnished my lips. I would wear that smile until the New Year.

It all reads so long now, when I thought about it, it only took but one minute for all the images to build, and the faint smile of what might have been and what I wish formed on my face.

To have once loved can't be all that bad, can it? The hard part is getting it back.

I received a very heartwarming letter from this girl I met on LJ who wants to know me better. It was an introductory letter, you know the kind of letter you write to someone you want to make friends with, so you are mainly introducing yourself, things you enjoy, where you hang out, just basic stuff about yourself before you delve into the private points.

It touched me in that, I can never go out on a limb to intitate friendship with someone online. I often think, what if they say NO, or they ignore my mail, then what happens, what if they are somewhere talking about me, saying how much of a nerd/jerk I am, how would I feel? As you can see I don't take rejection well. But it's all good, I replied her, and intimated her on the facets of my being, none quite so consequential, just the facts that have kept me going all these so many years of my life. It's nice to make a new friend, especially online where everyone hides under a facade of: I am 22, beautiful, with a body like Pamela Anderson.

5 best moments, 5 worst moments, 5 memorable moments, 5 best pictures of each person I love or have ahem...encountered in my sleep, and 5 excerpts from the 5 different stories that meant the most to me written by me this year.

I intend to put these up soon, maybe before the end of the month as a recap of the year 2001.

But if you are looking for a little insight into my past month though I have been such a bad girl and quit updating ever so often, please look at: November, sweet, it was not! It's a recap of the month November...

This is a note AK supposedly wrote to his dad. Something about a rough uncut man watching a kids flick just seems so alluring to me. It's like a man with indepth sensitivity. I am shocked beyond words.

Harry Potter was great. Can't wait for the next one.

The weather has been down right spectacular lately. I've been able to see Long Beach with the sea beyond to the southwest and snow capped mountains to the northeast. I can see Catalina Island in the sunset like it was on Santa Monica blvd. it's a nice time of year. Love, aK

I am just in a really girly mood right now, either that or I am so bored with the state of events in my life.

There's this guy in my place of work that is so Hmmm husky fine. He is big, like really big, I noticed him because of the other girl I work with, she was exclaiming so much about his buff body, how his size is so big for a Caucasian (note that it wasn't to me...I am sure I have seen bigger) but she went on and on about it, how he's not fat but his body is so big and bold.

So while we (or rather her) was gushing (note this girl has 3 children from 3 diff. men one of which is bi-racial) the boy came by and stood behind her, she kept giggling and gushing, I don't know, we must have looked like 2 teenagers or something, I had to restrain her by telling her the guy must be about 18 or 19, or something at the most he must be about 21 but I doubt it. But to cut a very long story short, that was how I noticed David. (that's his name...oh my gosh can he be reading this, I hope not!)

Since then, it's been off and on, he has never spoken to me and I have never spoken to him, I keep having the urge to ask him these questions:
(in this order)
1) how old are you...(if his answer is anything less than 21 then my next question shall be)
2) Do you have any single brothers where you are you can hook me up with?

BUT...if his answer for no. 1 is: 21 or older...

Then what do I do? What do I say...Hi, I think you're cute, or I think you're a hunk of a guy, can we hook up? or what? What?

Yesterday I saw him hug this girl that called by to see him ever so tightly. The way he squeezed her tiny frame into his large one had my head spinning, and thinking all sorts of thoughts I shouldn't have been thinking at work ( I know I'm sick and I know it). The only good thing was that she came with another guy which I hoped was her boyfriend and that David (Good God) that David is single but I doubt it, I wouldn't have such luck.

Sometimes, he avoids talking to me, everyone else talks to me, says something to me, but he could ask the very person beside me something but he wouldn't ask me, what do you think, do I intimidate him or does he just not like me or something?

As you can see I am in the mood to type I have quite a few more posts coming up, but better get your comments ready everyone.

I finally picked out the word that perfectly describes my feelings towards him, just like I found the right word to describe my conversations with my ex which were condescending. With him, they are more geared towards---obnoxious. Everything about the way he jokes with me, the way I try to joke with him, the misread statements, our unpleasant contacts in the mornings, the way he regards my stay in their home, everything about it is simply obnoxious.

Obviously some nerve was pricked at some point in our relationship I don't know when and where but once it happened my feelings towards him got scratched and I haven't been able to heal them since. This is unlike me because I try not to bear grudges or hold out any feelings of vengeance or devious deployment of any of them But this one beats all manners of human interrelations, and I wish to some higher power that I can adjust or repair or avoid a total outclash of any of these unearthed relationships.

As an example, we were eating dinner the other night outside at Helen when my teeth got caught in the meat, already uncomfortable with the bland taste of th ribs, a bee jumped into some of my masticated food, twirled in it and decided to make it his playground, He instinctively made a snide remark about my excessive use of perfume being the cause of my persistent pressure from insects. I asked, if this was a joke to get me in the mood, and he replied at once that it wasn't, with a dead serious inflection in his tone. I took it the right way and immediately the mood got worse.

Little facets of our interaction like that only compound it by compiling into something I chose to call obnoxious. Have it either way but the perfect word describes it adequately and succintly.

Excerpt from one of my stories:

Go to Teenage Groupie X for the beginning

Nick had left the club by the time I stepped out of the bathroom---so said the bartender. I grabbed my coat and made for his room, wishing that he would be there. On knocking, I heard him ask me to come in. He was standing in his room, having a drink by him self.
“I am so disappointed in you Nikki.” He scolded as soon as I took a few steps in.
“Can you blame me?” I aimed for the glass of brandy in his hand, but he moved it further away. I hissed, and took a seat on his large double size bed.
“I’ve had a horrible 48 hours, Nick.” I cried, slumping my face in my hands.

“Well, you asked for it.” He sat down beside me. “The first day you caught him in the bathroom with Vikki, did you do anything? Nope, you didn’t. You walked out, why? Why would you do that? And now you want to come back? Why would you do that too, does any of this make any sense to you, cos’ it sure doesn’t to me.” His inflated voice was screeching in my head, adding to my headache. “You should have insisted that he’d stop cheating on you then and there, thrown the girl out and made your stance known. But you want to do it now, it’s a bit too late for that.” He left me on the bed and proceeded to take off his clothes. “Why do women like you like men like that, I mean after all he’s done, you would still want to have him back, what is it, the new guy you are with not good enough for you?” he took off his shirt, and flung it on the sofa. He was standing in a white undershirt that emphasized his rounded belly. The sight of that belly amused me.

“Nick, I hope you are changing to take me back to the Hilton?” I asked, curious.

“Nope, I can’t drive tonight. I’m too drunk. You can crash here or I’ll call you a hotel taxi. But between you and me, I’d advise you to crash here, cool off a bit.” He loosened the belt on his trousers. When he noticed I was not responding, he asked, “What is it, you don’t trust me?”

“No, I don’t trust me.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to, I’m too tired tonight, you’ve worn me out all day…” he went into the bathroom to take off his pants. “How could you do what you did tonight, Nikki?” I heard him shout from within.

I walked up to the bathroom door so that he could hear my answer, “I don’t know Nick, Something just came over me; I haven’t been this angry in a long time. I wasn’t this angry that day at the store. I just lost it.”

He stepped out of the bathroom smelling of fresh aftershave, in a pair of khaki shorts that revealed his muscular hairy legs, and the same white undershirt. He walked past me and headed to the bed, the strong musky aftershave caressing my nostrils. He sat on the bed and started to flip over the channels with the remote. The sight of him in his nighttime gear sent an impulsive surge through me. I ignored it and went into the bathroom to change my clothes, fortunately I had brought my bags along, and so I picked out a nightshirt from it.

With all that had happened this evening, and for the past couple of days, I found that I wasn’t angry with AJ. I still could not find an iota of hate in my heart for him. Instead I found a deep-rooted diabolical urge to hurt him, to play his game, to make him feel worse than I did when I saw him tonight with Vikki, to make him beg. It seemed going away with Lance was certainly not working.

An hour later, Nick and I were necking on the bed.

“No, no, Nikki, I can’t do this.” He pulled his mouth away from me so forcefully that I almost bit his lower lip off. He brought himself to sitting position.

My hands had made their way into his crotch and I was massaging his thickness to rise to the occasion. I stopped for a second and looked at his translucent eyes, there was a hunger reflecting in them and I knew he was halfway there, almost erect. “What do you mean you can’t do this? You want me don’t you?” I asked seductively, reminiscing the pulsating bulge I had cradled in my hands a few seconds ago. His dick was thick and rounded, unlike AJ and Lance’s.

“I do. You know I do. But I can’t. AJ is my friend. How can you even think this?” He pulled my hand away, and sat up on the bed, leaving me lying beside him. He adjusted his member in his shorts, trying to calm it down.

I sat up, frustrated and embarrassed. I hadn’t planned on Nick rejecting me, in fact on anyone rejecting me. No one ever had.

“Is this some sort of joke, Nick?” I said with clenched teeth.
“Not to me. But to you it is,” he remarked shyly.
Suddenly I felt a pinch of remorse cut through my veins, for what I had almost made him do.
“I like you Nikki, and you know it. But I can’t have you, using me as some diabolical scheme to get back with AJ, it’s not gonna work that way.”

I smirked, my sentiments exactly, he had even used my own words to describe it. “Do you think sex is a game, a weapon you can brandish at people anyhow, make them do whatever you want? It may have worked with other people, but it’s certainly not gonna work with me.” He made to get up from the bed, grabbing a pillow but I stopped him instantly.

“I’m sorry Nick. I’m sorry,” I said, forcing my voice to show as much genuine remorse as could appease him. He was deeply hurt that I could think of using him and I felt bad for that, bad that it was he, but not bad that I had chosen to use my body for what I wanted. “Common, let’s go to bed. I promise I won’t try anything. I swear.” I crossed my heart, dismissing my smirk.

He hissed loudly, before he reluctantly joined me on the bed. His perfume still aroused a sexual desire in me, but I chose to ignore it, choosing to brave the night with him in “platonic” land. It was going to be very hard. I placed his hands across my waist into a cuddle position before we fell fast asleep.

Once upon a time, I was rejoicing that I had finally scored my very first comment from a sympathizing reader on here, but when I came back to ogle over the comment again, it was gone! Disappeared from my comment section, vanished from the astonishing world of cyberspace. Who was it that left this comment and why did you feel the need to delete it, if at all. I just wanted to say, I appreciate it, and thanks, but before I could cherish the splendor of this miracle...it was gone.

Dear People,

Thanksgiving came and went, my life went on but in all that seeming thread of events I haven't felt the need to write anything. I should, I think so damn much so why don't I just write it down instead of thinking about it but whenever the paper comes or the sheets come or as in this case the computer screen, I lose the words in my head and I stare at it mindlessly saying to myself: No one wants to hear the stupid stuff you contort in your head every damn time. And I know it's true. No one does.

I got my first paycheck yesterday. I was happy for about a millisecond until I opened it and saw how much I was getting paid. It isn't as much as I would have it be. I am not a greedy person, I am not, I have never been, but I just have a problem with getting scheduled for only 3 days in a week while somebody else gets more days, more pay and more hours: It is just not fair. I need this money. How on earth am I going to start something with my life if I don't have money. Okay, but I am being greedy now, some weeks ago I had no means of making money no call backs from the millions of resumes I sent out and no clues as to what the next step would be for Christmas or thanksgiving, so I really should be happy with whatever money I get.

I am hoping something else comes up this week. I am hoping and praying for it to. I don't want to be one of those people who is stuck in a job no one has any regard for. I have always been this kind of person who looks down on people who work in places that flip burgers, now, that's what I do. Not that I don't have a college education, I do, I am just stuck in the circumstantial whirlpool of my existence and God teaching me a lesson in humility. I guess now that I have learned the lesson I can hopefully teach all of you and that is: Don't ever thnk because someone works in a lowly job that means you are better thn that person. Nope! Give them the respect they deserve because if you don't the wheel could quite easily turn around and that could just as well be you.

I have said enough for someone who didn't want to talk. Please say a prayer for me that something else comes up. Otherwise I shall just keep praying for myself.

It has been forever. I spared you all the intricate details of my somewhat mundane life, thus rendering you free to languishly indulge in the pleasures of someone else's. Intriguing!
Let me do a small recap!

Wednesday:
Stayed home as usual most of the day. By noon decided to go for work orientation, called taxi and he stopped over at home to take me and bring me back. Very nice of him. Orientation went good, girl doing the orientation---who's job I would much rather have---was pleasant and sophisticated, and she offered me a job with a better pay but a more tedious role. I am so not complaining, I felt like kissing her in gratitude. Told to start on Friday. Came home, drank two beers on an empty stomach, rest of family at the theaters, went online for a bit, slept all night.

Thursday:
So much to be said for this day but in order to keep it brief. Did my hair, the red came out well, but the afro is finding it hard to get its groove, did a little trim. Spoke to OGO from LA, it was refreshing, told her about alleged job, she was more excited than I was, and not the least bit cynical about the role i shall play on said job, made me happy too. She said she has paid for my BSB CD, so crossing fingers that the doofus girl (her friend) has paid for it online. Tried to open account, couldn't, documents needed not yet ready. Talked with family, tried to amend ways, wrote up a list of things I should start doing now that I have alleged job, I accepted with gratitude, and took it all in its stride. Nothing before its time. A bit apprehensive about starting alleged job, hope all goes well tomorrow. *crosses fingers*

Friday:
Missed my bus to destination to job, last bus actually, got stranded downtown, begged a taxi or two to assist with conveyance of which full payment would be made later, none agreed, until someone, a dark angel agreed albeit reluctantly. The ride took almost 45 minutes but made it, they didn't even notice that I was late. Orientation at the cash register, said tutor is 19 years old, made me think a little, but shrugged it off when said tutor said she wanted to go to college to study pharmacy, which I have been and I am here, doing alleged crummy job, so there! I have seen the future and I am a living proof that it is a fuck-up while she is in the present, believing in the blinding gleam of the future. Work ended quickly, browsed around mall bored, went to bookstore, read, read, and read. wished I had applied to bookstore instead, nothing beats working at a bookstore. You get to read free stuff!

Saturday:
Worked. I was the only one working at the register this time. It was fun, kept me on my toes, I must have lost like a million bucks on that thing, but who gives a shit! Went home, happy.

Sunday:
Worked too. Was the only one there as well. Was joined briefly by some other girl but she was busy looking good, the crowd was heavy, most of the customers were dissatisfied, tried to appease them but couldn't, had to yell out to manager one too many times, didn't like that. It went well. My family came to pick me, I could tell my nieces were proud seeing me in my humiliating uniform, suddenly it didn't seem that humuliating anymore.

Monday:
Didn't work. Lounged, caught up on laundry.

Tuesday:
Didn't work. Went to Kroger to apply for cashier position. Nothing happened. I am not too hopeful about it, if they wanted me they would have called by now, and they haven't. No one has. Shuold have gone there when I had the time, eg Monday. But I still have crummy alleged job to fall back on.

Dreamt about Craig David, Usher, Nick, and some other nameless familiar faces, I can't put my finger on who they are right now...but they seemed and tasted good.

Deep sigh...where do I start.

For the past 3 days or so, I have been feuding with my family. Now, that I think about it, I can't seem to remember what it is we are feuding about, and that's why I didn't want to write it down when it happened so I wouldn't be reminded of it, so as to slowly let it go. But it is hard.

For the past year since or more since I moved here, I have been constantly searching for happiness. I am a very melancholic person, I find happiness in things that are quite opposite from my family's. And maybe that is why I am the least successful out of them. I hate to admit to that but it is the pathetic truth.

Let me put it this way: My brother is an engineer, works for Exxon-Mobil. My sister is a telecom engineer that aspires to become a teacher, and then there's me: I am a trained lawyer (for real, 6 year program and all, graduated with honors) who wants to be in the entertainment business. No! not as an actor or singer, but as someone in the background, directing, writing, putting my visions on the screen, publicist anything. I have all these ideas and I don't know where to go with them. So I thought okay, come to america, where else, the land where dreams come true.


Then, back to reality. I have been here a year or more and I haven't done a thing. I am stuck in the world where I want to do things but everyone is telling me don't do that, if you do and it blows up on your face we won't be there for you. Do you know how many people want to be in that business here, what makes you think you'll succeeed. I have just been torn in this torment of having to decide, reading brochures of schools i can't go or can't afford, it is weighing me down.

To top it off, where we live isn't exactly the best of places either. It is so trapped in the suburbian hell, I feel like I am choking. In all my life, I never thought I'd be the one living in the suburbs. I saw my self in various situations but the suburbs. then let's not go into how difficult it is to get out of this surburbs during the day without a car, so many classes I have wanted to attend that are just 5 miles from me, but I can't get there. So many screenwriting evening classes, I can't go. I could stand at the subdivision gate for hours and my neighbors would pass me by as if they don't recognize me. Tell me how bad is that?


You can imagine someone like me who doesn't like sitting down for close to a day having to go through all that. why? all I wanted was to have my dreams answered, is it too much to ask?

Since Sunday we've been feuding, my sister losing her mind, her husband getting on my last nerve, what part of "I don't want to talk about this now," don't they understand. His children annoyed me and he is asking them to apologize to me and I don't want to hear it right now, I want to go somewhere and lick my wounds sullenly, but he insists, that I must accept their apology. I DO NOT. What part about that is soo difficult. What? I don't want to talk when I am angry, I do not. It comes with being a writer, I'd rather sit here and type my words than talk them over, But no, he wanted us to talk, so i walked out on him to avoid saying things I would regret, just like I hung up on my sister when she wanted us to talk about the dvastating effects of studying Fine arts over Buisness. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. simple. Can't they get it?


Since then, my mum has called, blowing fumes going hysterical, my brother has called taking sides, why? Because I have a history, various precedents of snapping at people, and losing my temper so they think this time I was the one to blame. Yes! but I do not want to talk about it. I want something from this life and I am not getting it and my life is passing me by in suburbia hell, and you want me to sit around and be all chummy about it, to hell I will.

Give me a kind word, a push of encourgament so when I go to achieve it in some way, I won't be haunted by your face sniding at me with "I told you so" when it blows up on me, tell me it's going to be okay and go for it, sky's the limit, you are family after all, don't give me chores or put me in situations that get on my last nerve cos when I do reach the tip of that last nerve and want to blow up...I do not want to talk about it.

That's about it for now. My brother has since written that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore about it or any other thing. I haven't spoken to my sister and her husband since then, I've been sitting in front of the pc pretty much, and my nieces are on pins and needles with me. Me, I am busy trying to find a school the hell outta here so I can move somewhere work as a waitress or something so long as my dream is going on course, but so far I haven't come up with any bright ideas for paying tuition or moving anywhere, so that's my life for now.

I just wish someone would come over and tell me, "Hey, I have an exciting life, wanna be a part of it?" I would jump up, grab my toothbrush and follow him wherever, whenever, I wouldn't look back at all. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember since grade school. I have always wanted to escape myself. If I have had this dream for that long, and God has known about it, and I pray constantly asking him for it, when oh when will He deem it fit for it to come true. I'm getting pissed just waiting for it.

Although, I shall try to look on the bright side. Thanks for anyone who actually read it. There's more but I'll save that for some other time.

I just want someone who will snuggle up next to me, hold me close, wipe away my tears, and tell me it's going to be all right, is that too much to ask.

Burdens in Minor Key

As I sit here listening to my Sweet November soundtrack, I try to think why life gives us burdens, gives us stupidity and gives us annoying things that eat at us. I try to think of choosing my own place, my own life, I have often written about it so many times it is becoming repetitive, but I wish I could choose my own place, I wish life gave us that option, to go somewhere, be with whomever and be whatever we wanted just by asking, asking hard enough.

As I sit here I really should realize that I do not have that option. Maybe that's what makes me so mad sometimes, the fact that I can't change or affect what I have, all I can do is live in it as hard as it is, and as much as it hurts me. I can only live.

Dear Diary,

I have a confession to make. I've started writing (fan-fiction) again.

Diary (screams out)--WHAT!

Yes, I have. I know. (embarassed flurries fly over her face) I must have whined muchly about this stuff some months ago, it hasn't even been up to 3 months since I hung up my hat. Has it? I have just been going through all these hectic shit at home, in my personal life, feeling downcast, feelings of self-worthlessness.

-Those are the worst.

Tell me about it. And I am my own worst critic if I am not doing right in something I don't feel good about it. Right now, I am not doing right in my life and the only way I can get one foot out of my worries is to write crap, shit, rants, journals, poems, fanfiction, hell whatever. I just have to write something unless my head is going to implode from worrying about shit I can't change.

-I knew this was where you were headed.

Well, yeah it was obvious at a point. I have been reading some of my old stuff. Whenever I am down I read up what I wrote to get my spirits high, remember the extracts I put in here sometime. Whenever I read my stuff, I feel like maybe I should do this again, write something new, something that feels just this smooth, this sweet and soft, that can bring a tear to soemone's eye. So that's when I decided to ressurrect some of my work and give it to a control audience. Some of them really liked it and asked for more, some of them started to write like I did, sweet, dialogue driven stories, less of that debasing sex, but more pathos in it. That's when it hit me, I must be doing somehting right somewhere for these people to want to write like me, I must be touching them and I don't even know it.

Most of all I got this Humanclick icon that lets me monitor people on my site, most of them, I see them reading my stories, I see them spend at least 20 minutes going through some of my short stuff, but when they finish they never say anything. They never say thank you, I enjoyed it, sign the guestbook, or whatever, which shouldn't mean diddly right but the important thing, is that they spent their precious time in the evening reading my work. And that's deep! That's when I decided to hold up my pen again, try to see what else I can put down that may be just as deep. You know it's whenever you feel a little downtime in your life that you write the best cos' all the emotions is all pouring out of your every pores, you know. It's deep and shit. So that's why I gave up the pact and picked up my writing again.

-How does it feel

I can't lie to you and say I am having 100% fun. I am not. Time has passed when I used to have that much fun writing, then I was writing for just myself. To tell you the truth I don't want to go into that whole correcting of the grammar, structuring my sentences, trying to make them sound poetic, give off some kind of metaphors, describe my environment, painting a mental picture for the reader, blah, blah stuff. I don't. Having to hear people either correct my work as to editing (which is the good bit) or that it just has general bad grammar, makes no sense whatsoever, or it has normal typos that I feel too lazy to correct. I don't want to have to go through with that shit from critics on the web anymore.

I just want to read/write a story that connects with me, how I feel, what I want to hear someone say to me, how I would want it said, the mood I might be in at some time, and what I want done to remedy it, how everyboyd feels at some time, and how we react to it. I just want something that cuts deeper than your everyday run of the mill hoopla, and if the story or the dialogue and the emotions come poured out just right and touch you where they should, then who gives a fuck about the grammar, or how long the sentences are, who should.

It's just like worrying about an artists music just because the artist is not pretty enough or sexy enough...those are just additives, the real deal is still concrete, intense, and powerful, connect with it and leave the rest for later.

But readers on the web can't leave well enough alone in this world. Since I started writing I've been waiting for someone to say to me, I like this, is this from your head because if it is it sounds like a real good movie, or a real good drama or a real good Independent film that people would want to see. I have been waiting for that. I am not sounding cynic, or proud, full of meself, I know I have seen worse films than what I have written, so what makes mine the worse for wear.

I have started writing again, and I hope this time, I can write for me this time...not for the readers on the web, or for feedback, just for me so that those moments when I feel downsome I can open up some of my pages and read them and laugh away my tears, feeling proud and good with myself. That's what Art is, it gives off a good feeling.

Thanks Diary.

Anita.

also contained in Rants and Pieces

I just saw Mary's Video for No More Drama, I am glad she chose that song as the next single, it's so fitting to this situation happening now in the country and in my life. It was so intense and emotional, I just started to cry. I don't know what's wrong with me!

I don't know only God knows where this story ends for me, but I know where the story begins, it's time for us to choose whether we win or loose, and i choose to win. NO more drama in our lives no one's going to make us hurt again.

I wish I didn't want to eat so much.
I wish I didn't love someone I have or will never meet.
I wish I didn't have to smell Sola everytime I walk into my room reminding me of how much I miss him.
I wish I didn't have to sleep alone in that same room.
I wish impossible was just a word.
I wish someone like me deserves a man like him.
But these are just frivolous wishes in the wind.

The Trip to Alpine Helen, Ga

Last Day, Sunday...November 4th

Woke up groggy, didn't keep track of the time. I walked out to take a quick shot of our cabin from all angles, hoping it would make its debut in my memoirs. I picked up a little surprise from the woods, I am not at liberty to say but the surprise blew chunks.

Still haven't heard from Ogo or Kevin. In the woods, it seems everyone's abandoned you. The phone never rings, and the only news channel is CNN, no local news, and no entertainment news either.

Walked around downtown after a very unfulfilling meal at Tanglewood restaurant, everyone else enjoyed it but for the first time in my whole life I actually preferred thehi pancakes to the biscuits they had drowned in tasteless white gravy.

Downtown picked up my bamboo shoot. It cost buckets, I really don't know why I bought it. I think it was the "brings good luck" slogan that caught me. I just wanted some kind of memento to remember the trip by. I found out later that they were sketching very good pencilled self-portraits for $5 I felt like returning the plant. But it's a good memento if it lives long.

Last stop was wine-tasting. A few sips, I was a good girl, slept off all the way home, came home and got my first rejection letter from my interview in the mail. Tried to cry but couldn't. I reeally wanted that job, one of those interviews you attend you think to yourself, this wouldn't be a bad place to work, you know. I looked at the bamboo shoot and said, "you better bring me good luck dammnit."

I am sure I've bored myself with this narration. Perhaps when the pictures come out I can add this narration of events to the pictures and it would all make sense.

The Trip to Alpine, Helen.

Day 2 Saturday...November 3rd.

Woke up at 8:21, the kids had already awakened as early as 5:30. Why? I don't know what they were expecting but we had promised not to stir until 11 especially since we had already purchased breakfast the day before, and had drunken our heads to stupor.

My eyes were hurting red, my nose running and itchy from the allergies. Suddenly I was craving goat meat pepper soup; a rare delicacy people in the village--rurals---are normally greeted with once they nurture a head cold. It is filled with tender pieces of a goats rare, doused in peppery muthwatering liquid and some essential spices to excite the senses. However, this excuse of the woods was not my homely village in Africa, it was an imitative replica in the Western world where you ate eggs and biscuits with a chilled glass of orange juice. In its stead, my sister ran to the coffee machine once she awoke.

Took the kids to Garbage Patch Factory in Cleveland, a few miles from Helen, and a very dry county I might add, that means they shy away from the sale of alcohol. Do people still live like that? Took some cute pictures at the Garbage Patch Hospital, my nieces got 2 very expensive dolls. Must be nice to be a child, all you have to do is whine and bam! there it is.

Ate lunch at Unicoi State Park, we found a nice spot facing Unicoi Lake. Bees, bees, bees were the special guests of the day. They kept buzzing into our bland Turkey and Ham sandwiches like it was the most appetizing dish they'd been offered all day. We killed several of them and made them scape goats to scare off the other prey until we finally settled into our food, facing the dark murky, lifeless lake.

Climbed Anna Ruby Falls to see the huge waterfall. The walk was exhausting, invigorating and liberating. Hiking trails can make you come closer with your limits. Man is not invincible, after all though he may claim so. The embedded rocks took my breath away half the time so I took short breaks taking pictures of them.

Got home later, after a trip to the grocers for our evening dose of alcohol. YES!!!

While they tuned the grill for our dinner, I flipped channels, I had been missing my daily dose of MTV. Caught a Britney Spears dedication prgramma, and me, being the dreamland loser, sat still and watched Miss Spears act all surprised at the guests they pulled out of their hat in a sorta This is your life dedication. I wonder if they can ever do this kind of stuff for old legendary bands like RHCP, Madonna, Lauryn Hill why for the teen sensations eg, Spears, Nsync, BSB. It's sad the levels MTV stoops to sometimes.

Still haven't heard from Ogo, and Kevin who I spoke to on Thursday night before I left, promising that he'd call, one of the few reasons I took my cell phone with me. It never rang nevertheless. In the woods, you don't hear phones chirping, music blaring except for yours, or loud altercations between people. People leave all that chaos to the city. I miss that sometimes, the quiet eats into you eventually.

Got asked if I was enjoying my fun during my MTV stint, it seemed like I was having some kind of family moment withdrawal. I said I was, and forced a smile at the interrogator, trying my best to look enthused. Was I? I asked myself. Probably. The quiet just eats at me, and I look at the phone and hope that it will ring, just once. It doesn't.

Ate dinner quickly, came inside and watched Bridget Jones' Diary and the rest of that piss poor J. Lo movie. It was a good day.

Before I start with today's highlights from my trip over the weekend, I must mention some things I failed to mention in yesterdays entry below:

: My bro-in-law got drunk at the end of the evening, after a heavy consumption of 3 beers, and half a bottle of red wine. To me, that was a small amount to get high on, but he is not usually a heavy drinker. The amusing part was hearing him say stuff like: the room is spinning, or, no man deserves you. Stuff he wouldn't normally say if he wasn't high. One of those events that made you wish you had a camcorder.

: When I went into the dollar store I bought a book love and obsession called: Homme Fatale, I've forgotten who it's by. But something about purchasing a book at a dollar store that seems quite derogatory to me being a writer myself. I always think how the writer might feel that his wonderful revered piece of literature has been relegated to a dollar's stipend. How unencouraging!

: Listening to a song on repeat, I don't care by which artist would cause you to lose the verve you had initially for the tune. We listened to track 9 on the new MJ CD, 2000 watts, I would be happy if I don't ever hear that song again.

: For those just joining us, this trip was embarked upon with me, my sister, her husband, and her 2 kids, just in case you wish to cross-check your notes.

The Trip to Alpine, Helen.

Day 1 Friday...November 2nd.

Woke up a bit early to take a bath and get the gear downstairs into the car without waking the kids. We had planned to surprise them with our trip, telling them at the last minute when they were quietly hurled into the car. I don't know why we thought that would work because the car was packed so full with stuff it leaked. There was hardly any sitting for a 6th wheel if there was to be any.

Kids found out soon. Dad told them, they didn't seem too excited, which surprised me but they came around and it was fun seeing their little faces light up. I warned them I didn't warn to be beseiged with, Are we there yet questions during the journey. They promised. Thank God the journey was to last for only an hour and a half.

Stopped by my bro-in-law's office, my sister opted to drive. Safe too. He squared me some money, which totally threw me off guard. He never does that. Stopped for gas station cappuchino, it was soo yummy I swore not to trouble myself with Starbucks again after that. Tried to sleep, couldn't, read my stored away book, This time last year, which appropriately told the story of a guy who had escaped to his cabin in the woods to gain some privacy and consort adequately with his creative energies as he wrote his book.
I chuckled at the coincidence.

Arrived at 1:15. The cabin was buried deeper into the woods than we had imagined or seen on the Net, sister was shocked they had camouflaged it so well. The roads looked paved to her on the Net, here they were flagged with trees, and carpeted with branches, twigs, leaves, and God knows what else. It was Alpine Ridge, or Pine Ridge, I am not so sure now...I fail to remember some important details when it matters.

We passed the town on our way, half empty, designed after an old German town in the 1920's, with buildings named Gesellschaft and Frankfurt, etc. It was very eye candy and historical for me, because I have never been to Germany so I was left to use my imagination. It looked like a page out of Hansel and Gretel, Jack and the Beanstalk, Rapunzel or some old fairytale, I waited to see the little people come out of the stores, but instead I saw normal people, I can't say I wasn't disappointed though. I didn't take any pictures of the historical buildings too, bad of me.

Bees and other insect families greeted us warmly on our arrival. They were probably about as happy to see us as we were disappointed with our dwellings. Unpacked the gear. Some folks chose to ask stupid questions and got meted out stupid answers. Couldn't tell how irritated they were, didn't care too.

Picked rooms. There were only two equally sized rooms, so there weren't that many choices to choose from. It had a small kitchen facing the living room, a couch and a rocking chair by the fireplace. True coziness. I sort of miss that coziness, reminds me of British lodgings, everything tight and warm, builds for profound amity within the home. Not sure if it's good for a family of our size though. Left the room quickly, bro-in-law said it smelled stale. So much for cozy, I guess.

Ate lunch at Mamia's Kitchenand restaurant, gravy and very warm mashed potatoes, fried catfish, vegetables, cold biscuit, I liked it. Bought one-time use camera at dollar store. This trip is turning out to be quite spontaneous. Went to play miniature golf, I didn't. Sat with Douglas Hobbie all afternoon, as the sun began to peak, my family competing against each other, found out the game is as boring as it looks. The insects fought to break my concentration but I fought back. Had delicious, deserved icecream after, quite watered, I got the hang of the taste after the first couple of scoops.

Went to local grocers, Betty's for breakfast and dinner ingredients, it had the best Deli food this side of the state. Wanted to barbecue whilst blasting Michael Jackson's Invincible. It was good energy music, not intended for relaxation though, but who wanted to relax whilst grilling process was occuring.

Ate at a little after 9. Surprised the kids were still awake.

Argued at night over what else but my "unhirable" state, and the state of the country, parts of its laws that irks me and surprise, surprise does not irk them. Found out one distinguishable fact: people act like they have been through whatever turmoil you're going through, and that they can understand and sympathize easily, when in fact they don't, they can't. The only one who can see you or feel your pain as deep and hurt as much as you do is no other than yourself. So don't say to me, I know what you're going through, I have been through worse, because you do not know, to what extent, and the range to which it hurts, just like I cannot know yours. Only can I feel the pain, only I..

I went to bed with that thought. Tried to watch a movie but we were all far spent so we crashed at a little after 1 am.


To be continued tomorrow...

Yay! I read this lovely story this morning that so much reminded me of my writing. Some how I felt that perhaps my writing had inspired that girl, who happens to be a friend of mine, into writing it. I was smirking to myself half the time. I have always felt my writing is not up to par with so many other writers online. I delve ot deep into dialogue, not enough sex, not enough acton, just slow drifting conversation that lets us meet the characters. But to read someone else write like that and you enjoy it, it makes you say, hey maybe my stuff wasn't so bad after all. I feel like putting it up here, but it would be copyright.

My trip review is still to come. I have to get back into enjoying the things I used to go that kept my mind and spirit going. All these poring over want ads and making up details of my resume have claimed my life for too long. I am just going to cast my fate into the wind and hope some employer has enough balls to hire me, being that employers are all so lacking in that especially with the dragging economy, that may be never, or soon because I have faith in my capabilities. But for now, I am going to get back to myself, to my writing, to creating fantasies, updating my site, and lovely stuff that may have seemed like a aste of time but they kept me happy and content.

We came back about 3 hours ago, and I have been online since. I have nothing to say for now about the trip I am going to compile like the highlights points of my trip and post them one day at a time. But for now, it was good, and very enlightening. I didn't meet anyone, instead I met myself.

Don't worry good people, I haven't forgotten ye.

Where to begin. I know I have been a little out of it. I haven't as much as updated some sites that I hold most important to me. I haven't sent word to my egroup and I darn well! haven't written about my past month in my Aphie's monthly update. But it will pass. My head is in so many different places now. I am confused, deciding, arranging, figuring things out. Everything is going at the same time. It is not working out so well, but they say in all things do not despair for they Lord art with you. So I am not afraid of faultering. However, I just hope it falls into some symptomatic place so I can write about it all to you guys.

I went CD shopping to cheer me up, I couldn't get myself to buy the BSB CD since I already know all the songs, I actually almost bought their first CD, Can you believe it was on sale? Then, I contemplated Enrique but I heard all his songs online yesterday and hmm, they sounded too electronic. I was moved to get Californication by RHCP, you know I have a thing for Anthony...I don't know why I didn't. Now, I know why I was moved to do that...today's his birthday. Yay! Anthony, Happy Birthday!!

Finally, I got the Dr. Doolittle 2 soundtrack...I know I went all archaic. I wanted "happy" music. It was either that or the Sweet November soundtrack, and I guessed that would be depressing. The movie was. This is a new month and a new attitude, I'll leave depressed for christmas time.

The bad part is that the CD cost me $15. Broke me and I spent $15 on a CD, I feel like I should return it or something, I shouldn't be spending that much...should I? It's still in the wrapper, so it's not too late.

I went acoustic guitar browsing too. It was more expensive than I thought. About $300. Hopefully, when the job comes, I'll get it. I need to play and listen to music too. Get all my creativity out. My CD changer, My boom box, in my car blasting my music get home and string some notes on my guitar.

You can see I have big dreams. What happens to people that have big dreams...they keep on dreaming.

An interesting conversation ensued between my 7 year old niece and her father this morning.

Father: Honey why do you have that scarf on ypur head...what are you now...a muslim?
Daughter: What's a muslim? (in all honesty)
Me: (grunting and shaking my head in disbelief that a 7 year odl doesn't know what (sic) a muslim is?) Do you know what a christian is?
Daughter: What? A christian...No. What's a christian then?
Father: (ignoring her, acting like she hadn't just said something of sacrilege)
Me: (almost choking on my own spit as I gasp in breath)

Meanwhile we go to church every other Sunday, she keeps still in church and acts all attentive like she is really listening, and she laughs when the Priest throws a joke our way, yet she doesn't know what a christian is.

The reason why this is such a big deal is that with the current situation we are dealing with now of persecution of religious beliefs it is very necessary that we teach our children what each religion represents. A friend of mine once mentioned to me not too long ago that americans are very ignorant people and I wanted to disbelieve that. I argued that they are not as ignorant of diverse cultures and peoples as they make out to be, they are more aware than some other countries who are opposed to it. But he refused to let my view hold sway. He had recently met someone who asked him, "Where is South Africa?" Now, that I think of it I don't know which one is more stupid, "I don't know what a muslim/christian is" or "Where is South Africa?" Alas, it holds forth...in our community, in our homes, in my home.

My niece's father didn't make any effort to teach his daughter what each of those religious beliefs were, and what they represented even though we are representatives of one of them. I didn't bother as well. I think some teachings are the sacred duties of the parents. I know my mother apart from insisting that we attend Sunday school when we were her age, she also insisted that we know what each religion represented, and that they are not our enemies even though they practice something different from us. Her mother went to Sunday school just when she was her age...but now, her daughter can't tell what she is...a muslim or a christian? But she can sing all the songs on the Barney Greatest hits tape, and can do so many other things but has carefully neglected what molds her as a person, an individual...her belief.

I'd like to believe somewhere along the line schools should inculcate some kind of religious teaching to students from a tender age. Yes! it is necessary. See what is happenieng now. People are being killed for their religous beleifs and we are just going to stand by and let a poor child sit on the fence of ignorance.

I know whatever a child learns from an early age that's what he lives with, grows with, and inculcates in his tender formative brain. Relgion should be one of them. It is so sad to think this problem we are having now started a long time before Sept. 11th. We shouldn't let it brew further.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

I lost my nerve and I decided since Blogger wasn't going to add me to their stupid update page no matter how many times I do update, then I would try to update only when I have something to say.

I had a little aggro with Fate some days ago. I was upset that certain events had defaced our lives and left us with remnants of hope. For example Sept. 11th. Life was soo good before all that happened. Now life seems so unsettling. It has recently been made worse with other tragedies like the discovery of Anthrax and the deaths of poor postal workers. How many more people have to die before we realise...enough is enough, and we really should calm the fuck down and get along. The God that made us thought we could get along, how come we can't?

My sister's best friend's husband died on Wednesday. More sorrow reaching close to home. It's all so numbing.

I sometimes close my eyes and try to imagine I am somewhere else. That's how I get through the day. I try to imagine that I am somewhere where there's peace and I am laughing; one of those full hearty laughs that comes from deep down and reaches out to everyone around you, touching them and arousing them to laugh with you. But when I open my eyes...I am still here. Still numb, still unsettled, and still very empty. Wanting so many things, seeking so many as well. When will this closure come?

Right now, my sister is out of town, so I have the kids for the weekend. I am wondering what I can cook for Sunday Brunch. I am not very skilled in the Continental Food category. Where I come from food was made to be greasy and spicy and filling, filled with starchy content. But here it is basically otherwise. I have settled on beef fried rice, but a moment ago it was Spaghetti with meatballs until I remembered I had no idea how to make meatballs.

I know I will have a happy update sometime. In other news, I got my mobile phone on Thursday. Perhaps I should have reported that. But no one calls me so it is still a bit under-utilized. The fun factor is yet to set in. I should give it a couple of weeks though, then I can drop my number for all those cute guys I bump into at the mall.

I thought the wait was going to end soon. I would get everything I needed and things would be okay...for a while. AT this rate, when I DO get it (crossing fingers, and knocking on wood simultaneously) I would serioulsy look into that ART school in San Francisco. Yes, my life has to start. It has to!

I have this girl from one of my communities who is about as obsessed with Nick Carter as I am with K.R. But for the past month or more since she saw and met him in Boston she hasn't spoken or written any poetry or love notes about him in her journal. You know it kinda makes you start to wonder...what happened when you met him? I had remembered her mentioning something about him partying too hard and about the "girl" he partied with being all trampy but nothng concrete was asserted, and I didn't want to jump into conclusions. So being the nosy poker I am I asked her this:

But don't you like Sir Nick anymore? Since you got back from Boston all somewhat obsessive Nick talk has been pushed to the curb, why so? What happened there, did he not live up to your expectations? I ask because you should know I am also obsessed with some other character : pictured above. so I want to know if when I meet him (knocks on wood) he might not live up to my expectations.



Their reply was:
Subject: Re: what happened?
That wasn't the first time I met Nick...I've met him plenty before that...he always lives up to expectations...ALWAYS nice to me...incredibly nice actually. It's just after Boston I went Nick Stalking (LMAO) down in Tampa...and gathering info...so don't worry...I still love him as much as I ever did...but between not being here, and having other drama, I havent really talked about him much.

I also have my off and on phases...like sometimes I will spazz out and be like OMG I WANNA MARRY ____ and obsess over someone else for a while...just for variety...but I will always love Nick...even when I'm talking about someone else. It's weird...like contrary to what people think...I don't want to really BE with Nick...I want to be friends with him...so when I start to like another in a different way (like want to be with them) it doesn't phase my feelings for Nick because I love him in a different way.


I don't know why her reply made me chuckle. All night I stayed up asking myself these same questions: do I just want to be friends with him? Is just meeting him enough for me? Yes, I do sometimes obsess about other people, so many times, but it's like there is this bond I have with him that keeps me coming back. I go like "I am sorry for straying there. Thank you for giving me a teeny moement to obsess about somebody else but I am back now, and I am sane." And just then someone else pops up. I go for awhile but i still come back...he's still there. The feeling is still the same and I like him just the same. It's absurd, I knw and so childish.

Yesterday they showed clips of Matrix Revisited on ET. I broke down and turned red. I was just thinking about him when it happened. I was thinking about this reply from her, and I was asking myself those questions and then that shaggy hair, stubby beard and deftone voice just popped into the screen. I almost choked on my own spit.

I wish I had her opportunities though. Not like anything would happen I just wish I had them.

This is just a quick note to say to Hans: "If you are reading this, I am working on that stuff as I type. okay so hang in there. I haven't run out on our idea. Not totally anyway."

Then...my ex called again this morning. This was weird why would he call me by the AM. He hardly does that. Last time I checked I was the one making the AM calls. But I am sure you are tired of reading about this ex anyway. Wish it were somebody else calling me. I don't know who but just somebody else. Some of the people I dream about, think about, wonder about, just someone except him.

We talked again. I told him about my BSB obsession. Told him I expected him to like them because they sang mushy love songs, the kind he uses to lure women into sleeping with him just before he realizes how much in love with his ex he is. He chuckled. Then, I told him I would get us tickets to their next concert. We would pick a neutral city, take a road trip and just go see them in concert.

Doofus replied: It's 17 hours to Jersey or NY from where you are. You would really go that far for a concert?'

Sometimes I wonder how people plan to live their lives. To explore or ignore the adventures waiting to be reaped, discovered; the tremendous journeys that are waiting to be ravaged. I just shook my head and ticked off on my note pad: Count him out as an adventurer. Seek another.

I elaborated a bit and talked about my future road trip with Lea, hopefully (knocking on wood) next summer to San Francisco. He asked: WHY? Do you know anyone that lives there?

I should stop now before you round up your summary on why I should be discussing peaceably about Doofus like we have the same interests or something when he seems so opposite of me. If it's any consolation, at the end of my account of how interesting a road would be, he said he might take it for Christmas.

I had a BSB filled morning today what better ay to start the day. I heard Nick say: I have been single for almost a year and really lonely.

AARGH!!! That makes me want to produce Conversations, get him to act in it, and hope he falls madly in love with him during the shooting.

I know I am a dreamer, but if you don't dream, you don't live.

Glimpses of Negro

In other eventful news my ex called today. we talked, that's it, we just talk about nothing. I told him since he left I had developed a new found addiction to BSB, he chuckled. I hate it when people chuckle at my love for BSB. Because it is serious. It is not some crush or something that I have to go through because their love songs make me feel all mushy. No. I really dig them, they are good people and I think they make you think good thoughts, have a nice smile, meet the nicest people. BSB fans are wonderful and their shows are exhilarating. I find myself continually gushing whenever I watch them; they always put a smile on your face that is assured. But then again, he wouldn't understand, one of the few reasons why we broke up, that myopic sense of humor that cannot accept a new thing because they don't understand it. Well, there goes playing BSB at our wedding---if that was ever to occur.

He talked about his plans and how disgruntled my old friends were because I decided not to write or email them. Boo Hoo! My friend upset me and got me involved with a player like him in the first place...it is upsetting though it is not her fault it still upsets me when I think about it. Why would you want to fix your reboudning friend from a nasty breakup with someone who has a girl he is madly in love with and has been for several years...why? He mentioned something pertaining to her as well. Said "somebody" was helping him process his transcripts from school...I assumed it could only be her, because his voice lowered and he got all edgy when I asked him who it was.

"Geez! Are they still together?" This is me with a disgruntled look on my face..."What has it been like 8 years now, when I was with him it was 6, that means they are going on 8 years now because that was 2 years ago. DAYUM!!"

I wonder what he will think when I tell him I am in love with Anthony Kiedis or Vin Diesel, wow, my Vin love cannot be compromised at all. At all. So he better deal with it or ship out. I think he has already shipped out for him to still be with the same girl after all these years. 8 years, that's a long time. Almost as long as my relationship would be with Keanu if he were a real life character...see why I fall for impossible people?!! Real people SUCK!!!

Overwhelmed with Emotions

Meet me in outer space / I need you to see this place / It might be the only way that I can show you how it feels to be inside you / ---Stellar, Incubus.

I am overwhelmed with the inability of my self to take me to places my heart longs to go.

I had this deep stuff I wanted to put down here last night, but somehow this morning it all seems so trivial now. Not trivial, just not as consuming as it felt last night when I thought about it. I remember once I saw this movie, "The Score." with Robert DeNiro where he advised his prodigy played by Edward Norton that in life if you wanted to achieve your goals you had to write them down one after another, and everyday take baby steps in pursuit of each one. I saw the movie in July and since then I have tried, Lord knows I have tried to zero in on what it is I want, but I just can't. Everyday changing times and circumstances, and peoples and ambitions sidetrack me and derail the ploy to achieve a speck of those things. And nothing in life is ever what its cracked up to be, what you want so badly might look so appetizing from the outside but the moment you step into it, it loses its verve and disappoints you, thus causing you to ask why you wanted it so badly in the first place. Nothing is ever what it's cracked up to be...nothing.

I need to leave this place / my mind needs to be in a space / where my head feels light and my heart soars / I need to be still / so I can listen to what the quiet of my heart has to tell me / so I can be sane enough to pay attention / ----Me.

I loved somebody once. Once. It was so beautiful. It would have even been more beautiful if he loved me back but nothing comes as easy as it feels. It had to be complicated, twisted and distant. I stll think about him too. I smell him even though he is a miilion miles away from me. I remember the songs I loved when I was with him, the butterflies I harbored whenever he called my name, and the flushes my face went through whenever he came into my haven. I loved him more than me...but that is all so long ago now. All I have are the memories, the faint hopes that there may be another, and the fragrance of him indelibly etched into my nostrils relieving me anytime I get overwhelmed by the space I live in.

I called my ex in the middle of the afternoon today. Bad time to call, I wans't expecting the call to go through since it hasn't for the past 3 days. But it did! Darn!!

He recognized my voice as soon as I said "Hello". Brilliant. I like it when a man does that. But that's so beside the point, he's still an asshole considering our past. We talked like normal. He asked me what I have been up to since we last spoke to each other---like I am ever up to much. I told him that, but was somewhat ashamed that my life was way too broing for him to be interested so I did something I hardly/shouldn't/so against doing. I told him what my plan was...I told him what I had been working on, and then told him to say a prayer for me that it works out. The thing is it is against my policy to tell people about my plans when it is in the works. It jinxs it for me. I only tell them when it is done...and good, that is it worked out fine. Or if it is done and not good, then I tell them. I never tell them halfway...it's so bad luck for me. So bad!

Then, why did I tell Kevin what I was working on. I don't know, I was ashamed that my life was boring, and he's was obviously fun. He said he had been to the club all through last weekend, and watched a Mike Tyson fight on Friday. I didn't even know Tyson had a fight!
I have a reason for that though, my interests have changed a bit since my last Tyson fight. I would know if it were BSB or RHCP or any of those people displayed in my fan section having an event, but not Mike Tyson! However, this is so beside the point, I still broke an anita objective rule. I should be shot.

I just hope the boy doesn't jinx it for me. I am hoping he doesn't. I would be heartbroken. Instead of calling my best pal who happens to live just as well in NJ with him, I called him (bad, mean him) during daytime hours too. Bad, bad me.

I am working on my resume now...it is the worst excruciatingly horrific experience to concoct a resume. Take it from me. and some people have jobs where they revamp resumes...is that a life?!

On the other good news circuit...BSB has a show tomorrow for charity that is being broadcast. I have been in BSB withdrawal for too long.

I glanced by this site: Vindiesel.co.uk and saw these remarkable pictures under a section called VinWarp where she made up some hilarious posters from some of the world's most famous movies, but superimposed Vin's face on them. Utterly brilliant if you ask me. I don't know how to work with pictures that well, digitally speaking. These are amazing...


Trust me to notice the Matrix poster out of all of them. Vin with Keanu in The Matrix...nah! the conflict of interest would be too much to bear...chicks would go crazy in the theaters...too many hunks which one to choose.

I love black and white pictures so naturally I fell for this one. She picked pictures that matched them exactly thus avoiding that abstract look you get when you doctor photos. I wish I could keep this one...

It's so brilliant, you should go to the site there are loads more.






My MSN account logs me off after 15 minutes of downtime, which sadly includes when I am typing something into my journal, that's mostly why I hardly type in long entries in here. It's a pity too because I have many nice stories to tell some times.

Well, I didn't call my ex. Let me rephrase that...I tried to call but the number he gave me doesn't seem to be getting through, and knowing him he's too proud to want to call me back since i told him--no bootay.

Ever have one of those days you expected to turn out much more interesting and eventful than it actually did. Today is that day for me.

Asides from the following:
My niece resisting the urge to wail which she does everyday by this time;
Someone chatting with me through the Humanclick icon earlier today;
Someone spending an earth-shattering amount of 12 minutes and reading through 3 whole pages on my site;
Rollingstone issue of October;
My sister getting me Burger King fries and Milkshake--
Nothing exceptional has occured or am I missing something?

I - AM - SLOWLY - LOSING - MY - PATIENCE - WITH - PATIENCE.

My best friend finally called me this morning. We talked like normal..a piss poor, what-to-do-with-our-lives conversation. I am in the process of calling my ex now. I am just waiting for the clock to chime the right time when it is not too expensive to call long distance. Or I may not. The day is not turning out as good as I thought it would. A couple of calls I made this morning sort of strung out the self-esteem from me. What is it with people and experience? Why do they need it before they hire you? Can't you get it on the job? What is it, we were all not born stupid you know, some of us just need about a month and we have the work mastered? So quit asking me if I have experience...geez!!!

I am making the call...I need to release tension. I need to be loved, I need to sustain hope in the face of adversity. I need to be a woman, although.

It's so hard for me to say this
I'm struggling to find the right words
What I've felt is past tense
What I feel you just haven't heard

So, I think it's better that I tell you now
I think it's better that I tell you now

He's so sweet and good, good
I can't let him go

I spent a better part of my morning editing some of my old entries on Rants and Pieces. I don't know why I bothered. I was reading over my old entries for nostalgia sake and they read so badly, spelling and grammatical erros all through. Just Awful. No wonder no one wants to buzz me. Now that I have edited them I wonder how I can tell them to please go back and re-read and that I am dreadfully sorry for making them read such horrid nonsense in the first place.

I found this while I was surfing. It was a quote of an old interview of Anthony's (Kiedis of RHCP) who is surprisingly going to turn 39 soon--and might I be the first to say he doesn't look a day over 35, okay. This was from a Rollingstone interview he did multiple years ago but it felt weird reading it after Sept. 11th.

I think we're living in a very entertaining and compelling era. Not to be light-hearted about it, but it's very amusing to watch the world crumble. We think we're so important and that every act of our daily lives means something, but we're a flash in the pan. I think we're going to see the collapse of all of the things people hold so sacred-like religion and government.

My ex hasn't called again. It's been 5 days. Should I or shoudn't I call? Tune it to find out if I succumb...

My September diary entry has 11 hits on it. Get it, Sept.11th. Creepy by no less means. Everything about that day has creepiness in it.

It's been 5 weeks now, and the scare moutns up in other facets of life. I don't think I can take that trip around Europe or the drive cross-country I always dreamed about now after all this.

In another lifetime, can I get to choose you, can we get to have each other, can we choose were we want to be?

In another lifetime, can we get to have peace, to rest easy, to put our feet up and love freely? Can we?

In another lifetime, is there hope for interaction without intermission, without bumping, without choking one's means of consumption? Is there a place we get to run recklessly wtihout noise being the determinant of our voices, our uproar, our freedom?

In another lifetime, woudl there be room for us to mingle in our seperate beliefs, customs, and tradition without persuasion or compulsion to those who have remained ignorant of moment's passage?

In another time, can we get to take sides, choose our places, and the dreams we want to fruition?

Then I can choose you, and you may have to choose me...and in that time, can I get to keep you, without fear that time, or age, or unfortunate circumstance of death would come to claim you from me, and with the reassurance that wherever you get to go, I go also, and where you end up...I shall be, in that same time.

Though now, we dwell in another.

I feel so relieved I just used some cut and paste codes to put up a talkback icon on my diary blogger page. Yippee for me. I thought it would be so god-awful complicated but it wasn't. It consisted of two codes that took no less than 20 minutes. It took that long because I wanted to make the font smaller, but anyway, I thought I might have to download some rare program or something. Phew! the things I do to get reader feedback from this journal.

Okay, here's to it, and also officially celebrating the humanclick, which I have only used once, and maybe getting someone to understand WTF I am talking about, because most times I don't too.

I am not looking forward to the Survivor edition in Africa, why because I do not want a look into Africa that may misrepresent my people. Yes, you heard me, my people. I am already tired of answering all the, "Do you guys eat each other, or walk around naked" questions, and now they want to give us a sneak peak into a native, very primitive part of Africa. It is so not funny.

Does Survivor: Africa host Jeff Probst ever ache under the strain of keeping TV's biggest secret — who'll win the $1 million this season?

TVGO: Word is, you were stung by a scorpion. Was it serious?
Probst: No, not life threatening. Everything in Africa sticks or pokes or bites you. You're scraped up all the time. Going out there, they tell you to check your shoes, shorts and hat — but no one does, including me. I took a step and felt a pretty sharp pain, and then another one. [A scorpion] had crawled up my boot and was on my Achilles' heel. I turned around, and saw it crawl back down the side of my boot.

TVGO: Hell's bells! What did you do?
Probst: Our crackpot medical team — out in the middle of nowhere — put my foot in [near] boiling water to diminish the pain. Holy [expletive]! Wow!

TVGO: Were the players really in any danger from Kenya's larger-sized beasties?
Probst: One night, Brandon [Quinton] heard a lion breathing outside of the Samburu camp. That's when he realized, 'Holy [expletive]. If I can hear that lion breathing, it is way too close.' I kept warning them, 'You guys need a sentry at night.' And Brandon said, 'You know what, Jeff? You're right. I think we're going to stay up now in shifts.' Is the threat there that they could be eaten by a lion? Absolutely. This is the most dangerous place they've been, because there is no way to stop an animal from charging you if it wants to.

TVGO: Last season, watching the Barramundis leap from that Australian waterfall was cool, but other challenges were boring, confusing to viewers at home — and looked like they could've been done anywhere. Will the new tasks be Africa-specific?
Probst: I get your criticism, totally. The bottom line is, it's really hard to come up with 40 challenges that are all indigenous to Africa, are all fair and don't give the advantage to a man or woman. Honestly speaking, I don't know if we'll ever be able to pull that off to where you're doing something you could only do in Africa. There just isn't enough. And our guys work their asses off at this.

TVGO: On the bright side, can we expect to watch the players be forced to eat more squirmy things?
Probst: Something like that, although we don't want to repeat ourselves with always just spinning the wheel and eating disgusting things. But there will always be a food challenge...

TVGO: ...Involving disgusting things to eat.
Probst: Of course! It's all in your point of view. There were a couple of people last year that I think really got off on that cow brain — sick bastards. Jeff Probst Survivor Preview

I am having a hard time thinking straight about non-love issues since my ex, Kevin called on Friday. I told you I am not a very strong person emotionally. I wish I was.

Since then, I find myself admiring my self for extra long in the mirror, dressing up, brushing my hair, putting on make-up, masking my face, and doing my nails. All everyday chores I used to undergo with reckless selfishness in mind, thinking no one wants to see me pretty, no one cares. But now, I think, what if he cares? Don't you want to look good for him? I actually scrapped my cuticles today. I never do that. *bends head down in shame*

I have to focus, focus Anita. You do not need a man in your life right now. Can you handle it? Are you sure you want this particular man now? Can you handle all the turmoil he put you through being replayed right here, right now?




Deciding between my sanity and wanting a relationship now is like choosing between him and him. It was often easy, but now it's all so hard.

My horoscope read: GEMINI If romantic situations have left you confused lately, this week should deliver a fresh perspective. Stay true to your heart's desires and remember that your future is not dependent on the opinions of others. Your creative ideas and vivid imagination should provide you with all the inspiration you need to get ahead.



Love-B Money-C Work-B*
Signs to seek: Libra, Aquarius
Signs to avoid: Sagittarius, Scorpio



See why I am worried? I always get a D for Love. That is the highest grade I have ever gotten for love this year. Highest.
Oh, where art thou is the strength of resistance to come from....

Toast to Good Health

If I speak in the tongues of men...but have not love, I am nothing but a noisy gong or clanging cymbal.

I drank a big toast to my life today.

My life consumed with the pitfalls and the "I wish" and "what if's". I drank a big ole toast to the nonentity called my life. Happy that it still is, though riddled with question that have generally surpassed my far-fetched education, it still lives, hoists its flag, and dwells in its own inconsequence.

We tried to have an open day today to sell our house that has been on the market for almost 3 months. It didn't work. Not even one person showed up. Not one. That hit a sour note to me. But I didn't let it get me down. I have my eye on the prize.

People keep asking me what I have done with the past 3 years of my life since I left school. It hurts because I have no answers. I am not married, not seeing anyone, didn't see anyone, and didn't find the miraculous cure to some incurable disease or something equally as eventful. I just lived.

As hard as that was for me, I sustained my life and my breath, held my head high and kept on living. I don't have the answers to any of the questions that would explain my waste of precious time in my life, all I have are lessons, and the keys that I would not let it get me down, but make me stronger, most importantly I still live. I know many that have been stripped of that luxury. I am not one of those people and I thank God for that every day.

I drank to my life today. I drank and asked God that there would come a time I would get to share some fine liquor with some fine man sitting across from me on the table, looking at me, listening to me. I drank hoping and praying silently to myself that fine wine like I had shared silently today will not be shared alone, needs to be harnessed and enjoyed in favored company, when the time comes. I drank hoping that I am taking the baby steps to that time.

Here's to my life, and all it's precious liquor waiting to be savored.

My sister just came home saying that we are going away again next month to some place. Fairfiled Inn or something, I can't remember the name but it's up in the moutains somewhere, and it has lakes and rivers, and speeding boats, and hopefully some nice boys.

I so need to go out on a date sometime this year. Not a meaningless one like the ones showcased on Blind Date--those are just pointless and retarded ones--but one that has all the niceties of normal everyday living, with the flowers, the butterflies in the stomach, the opening up of the doors, the nervousness. A Real Date with a Decent Guy.

Did I mention that while I was vacuuming this afternoon some old lipstick my nieces fool around with got caught in the vacuum hose and since then it's well, broken. Needless to say, my brother in law has word for me. I am afraid to step downstairs right now.

This is a pointless entry. I just felt like writing something down for various reasons:

1) My ex-boyfriend who broke my heart incredibly just called. Remember him. I spoke about him some days ago on the 28th of September entry. (go to archives for it) Yes. Kevin. The perpetrator of my heart. I don't know what he wants but he called, chuckling like everything is alright between us and I don't hold any grudges. But I do. The only grudge I hold is the grudge where I do not want to go back into the Heartbreak center. Been there, done that. Moving on. But mainly, I do not want a heartbreak to compound my problems now. But you know the heart is not so smart. I may say that now and the next thing I know, I am head over heels for him again.

No, Anita you can handle it. This is America, and you've moved on besides he lives 17 hours away from you. I should be bold and daring to resist him NOW. I should.

The heart is not that smart. I should maybe pull out my tape of Destiny's Child Independent Women to give me strength. Yes, I'll do that.

2) I have ruined our vacuum cleaner. I knew there was a reason why I shouldn't do housework.

3) Sad. Wes Borland just parted ways with Fred Durst. The fizzle has left the sizzle. Can Fred cope without him and his outlandish body paint? Tune in next year when the new album is released to find out.

Lamentations of a Former Princess

I am sitting here, in my pretty lace patterned frilly 70's style white shirt and baggy skirt reminiscent of a young lady from the 70's which I am.

I am sitting here, asking truer young lady questions: am I still pretty? will anyone still find me attractive, if in my blah moments I neglect to put on some make-up or pretty clothes like the one I have on today, will anyone still stop to talk to me and ask me how my day is going?

I am sitting here, feeling like the woman I am dressed up to be. Remembering years ago when I did my hair every 3 weeks, colored my hair every other month, and bought some tight clothes that actually made every male go WOW as to how my body looked underneath all the baggy clothes I normally adorned.

Remembering when I could snap on my black body suit, the sheer one with the short sleeves, and zipper front which gave a bird's genreous eye view of my bra, and cleavage but hid the true nature of my breast by teasingly giving snippets of my aroused nipples. I remember how everyone stared at the blouse, at my face, the curly weave I had that made me look like something from a what---70's African-American movie---and at my mouth, perky and mischievous always in a smile, and to my face, sculpted and pristine. I remember it and I chuckle.

Then, I could seek and be sought, and the object of my adventures, my prey had no where to hide when I sought him, because I came prepared with what...2 headlights, and a disarming smile.

When will they ever look at me that way again? So I can be the center of attention once again...at least for some. So I can be wooed, and courted, and feel so pretty both inside, and outside, and...then I shall still sit here, but I shall not ask as many questions. I shall not wonder so much...I shall only chuckle at the past and seek, like a beauty taking a rest from the battles won and lost of old, and gettin ready to ravage the ends of the earth for...another victim that would fall to her knees to the cause.

You give me butterflies, you got me flying so high in the sky, I can't control these butterflies/ You give me something that I can't deny, you got me flying so high in the sky, I can't control these butterflies

I have this achy feeling inside me. You know when you want something, or have a goal or something and suddenly everyone is making your decisions for you, but it just doesn't feel right and you know it.

The only thing that would feel right now, is a grant to film school, a place of my own, and the keys to my heart placed in someone's care. Apart from that I am just swirling in the whirlwind of life's tumultous raindrops.

I saw this today:

Richard Gere, who is deeply devoted to the teachings of the Dalai Lama, says the best way for Americans to deal with the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks is with "the medicine of love and compassion."

Why it struck to me, even though I am not a fan of Richard's is because this is exactly what I thought about. I never like to sound political on my journals, but I thought this to myself, the best way to punish your enemy is to forgive them. Fighting them back, using their own means to fight them, you are only adding some more salt to the bruising injury, and I think that is what they wanted deep inside them. They wanted to draw us out into a duel, so they can see who's got bigger guns, weapons or can terrorize the worst, and kill the most citizens, or sadly, to see who will hurt more.

It's like crazy kids back in high school that would instigate a fight from the quietest kid on the block just because he is so cool and they are not. But I guess, political matters defeat me, my knowledge in handling them is no better than my knowledge of who is the governor of my state...which I don't know by the way.

I have this ritual every morning, before I do anything, I write down in all my journals. It's okay except when you do not have any profound thoughts to document that day you are left fishing for something challenging to put down in script. Like right now. *laughs shyly, tilting head back.*

Why I put down that verse at the top is because whenever I listen to that song---BUTTERFLIES by Alicia Keys---- it reminds me of falling in love; that easy-breezy-nervous-butterflies-in-the-stomach-blood-rushing-to-the-head feeling. Yeah! I miss that. That feeling when you count the minutes to the next phone call, next visit, next touch, next smile, next kiss. It's so adrenalin worthy that your face gives off a glow unknowingly. *smiles shyly again* It's amazing the journeys our heart takes us; sometimes...most times, it's worth it too.

People still do not want to use the buzz me feature I painstakingly installed all day yesterday. When it says, "Talk to a real person." it means I am online, and when it says "leave me a message," it means I am not. So just say hi and I did stop by.

See how easy it is.

I tried to update fruitlessly today but couldn't. That is why there is that lone "Hello" entry underneath this one. I don't know what was up the ftp servers' ass, but it just refused to take in my update.

I succeeded in including a humanclick button, but I can't get to see the pop up button when I wish to chat, so what is it's use either way. The troubles of trying to maintain some fun on one's website, it grows and grows.

With it I noticed that some readers spend a average amount of 45 seconds on my site...how encouraging.

A survey I filled out today:

four movies that made you think
Usual Suspects
Seven
Legends of the Fall
Grand Canyon

four celebrities you dream to have sex with
Only four, damn...the choices a girl is faced with: okay, Keanu, Mark Wahlberg, Vin Diesel and of cos, AJ.
others include: Nick, Anthony Kiedis, Brad Pitt, Paul Walker, Hugh Jackman, Ed Norton, the list could go on. I am sorry I never said I was a saint. Notice how this list comprises of everyone on my fans list below.

four charities/causes that you would donate to if you won the lottery
I don't know their names: but, Cancer research, sponsor a child, feed the hungry, and United Way.

four vacations you have taken or want to take
Italy-rome, France-Paris, New York, and San Francisco.

four songs you get stuck in your head frequently
No More Drama--mary j blige
U remind me--usher
Got you under my skin--Frank Sinatra
Long Walk..jill scott

four things you'd like to learn
building webpages..excellently
photography
spanish
write screenplays

four artists you'd love to see in concert
Dogstar, Michael Jackson, Sting, Enrique Iglesias/RHCP

four people who make your day
my nieces, my sistas on onesista2anotha, Kerry, Lea, Viv, Gennie,
etc. That's more than 4...I cheated.