There are no words

I am thinking of writing my brother an angry email.

Ever since I decided that to make up my mind if I am going back to Nigeria, I need to write a list of the top ten reasons I need to stay here and sweat it out so to speak, and top ten reasons my country is a better establishment for my wellbeing, I have come to think deeply about certain decisions I need to make for the future so I don't continue to live this mistake endlessly. One of the top ten reaosns will be revealed here today.

Top ten reason why I do not want to move back to Nigeria is that I do not want to live with my brother and his wife. I know that seems harsh because he is my flesh and blood family, but I cannot live with anyone except myself. I have grown completely independent that having to be dependent especially with my living quarters will just crush whatever self-esteem I have left. But that is not the reason for the angry email. The angry email is just to say, I asked you to do me a favor and you have neglected to do so, or you want to do it on your own time. I hate to talk or think about things like this because it just upsets me, more than I already am.

It is almost a week into Lent and I have not decided what it is I am going to give up. Not that I do not want to, I am just cold towards prayer right now. I go to pray and all that can come out of my mouth is…there are no words. No words to adequately capture what I want to say, or have been saying or put a new spin to my repeated prayers. There are simply no words. How do I say them differently that would cause God to want to answer them, how do I present them to him? There are no words.

That also explains why I have not written in here in awhile. So much to say that in an effort not to say them all at once, I piece them up and try to make them sound calm. Not angry or bitter or resentful. But how can I find the words to capture that? There are no words because it is what it is. Filled with anger, resentment and bitterness.

Last gasp of breath

And so it goes...that the bad news will keep on coming.

He said:

Thank you for your inquiry and resume. Please be advised we are an attorney search firm and make attorney placements only. However, we wish you success with your job search.
Sincerely yours,
Major, Lindsey & Africa


And I said:
If by attorneys, you mean individuals with JD's. That is acceptable. However, if you look closely at the resume you would see that I am a foreign attorney (LL.B and LL.M obtained) licensed to practice in a Common law jurisdiction and also capable of being admitted, upon passing the Bar, to CA, WA, NY and TN, to name a few. I submitted the resume because I thought your firm also handled placement outside the country and inhouse. Generally, positions that do not require a JD.If you deal primarily with JD holders I can understand.


I have to device a plan, because whatever plan I am on is obviously not working, and I am distracted by its failure. It's crashing in on me and depriving me of my youth and my ability to live for today with the constant fear of what I should have and what I do not and have not and cannot, because of my personal failure and life's failing me.

I am running out of ideas here God...help me out!

It is obvious by now

It is obvious by now that work sucks. Not a whole bunch, I have been warned of saying work sucks by tasting bitter unemployment. But the company I work for fell way below my expectations. Case in point the email below. Companies are supposed to encourage you towards developing your career inside and outside the confines of whatever company it is. I remember once in my old job my manager refused to pay for me to attend a tax law seminar that cost way less than a hotel room per night for one of the attorneys. I thought that was bad, and I should have used that compliance hotline and reported his ass. But I didn't. Instead I let them get the better of me. It's the first signs of a bad company when they fail to encourage you in whatever that they know that they can towards career devlopment, inside and outside the realms of your current job description. It's not just the ability to pay for your education under the guise of "tuition reimbirsement." They also have to pay for the little things, seminars. association dues, and workshops.

Current company is just as guilty of this cardinal rule. I assumed they would be run better considering that they are one of the biggest companies in the USA (Forbes put them as No. 10 most earning last year) and they have been around for quite awhile. Asides from the instance below, something has been brewing for a couple of months now. Another department advertized this position that I know I would be good at. It deals with reviewing contractual service agreements, which is a lot easier to review than financial agreements that mostly deal with numbers and multiple financial tracking systems. Anyway, the position offers relcoation and is in a pay scale that is about 3 times higher than where I am. But that is not the issue. They are looking for someone with UK Bar or its equivalent, which I have and about 8 years contracting experience. I have 3 years, but this is a minor technicality as my sister says if it's not rocket science or neurosurgery it cannot be that hard, and as long as its within the parameters of what I do I can manage the transition.

I wrote the hiring manager back in December (and again last week) and asked her for an informative interview since I cannot apply for the position. (You have to be in your current position at least 12 months before you apply for another position) But she didn't respond. Why do you ask? One of the networking tenets involves conducting informational interviews with people outside your department to ascertain the positions they have, what their job entails and learn from their experience. This hiring manager is an attorney I didn't tell her I was one. But I think she is judging it from the fact that I am at a predetermined level that is 3 steps below the position. It would not be advisable to make the leap to Senior Professional, meanwhile my current manager is not even that. She is a Lead Professional. Whatever that means. Just stupid corporate mothballs. Why wouldn't you respond? Even if it is just to say, I cannot make it because I am slammed, or we've hired someone. which I know that they haven't. They prefer to relocate someone from whatever state at whatever cost and not move me from within at the low low price. Good luck filling that position because that person is coming into a company that will not pay for their seminars or workshops, and insist that they fill in that section of their performance review for additional training, with training that they obtained from their previous possibly better job.

I have said my peace. I feel like writing her an email that says soemthing in the line of, she doesn't know me. she doesn't know if I can be the assistant to the President tomorrow. You don't treat people like that when you don't know what they can be tomorrow. Life is small and it revoles around this small axis. I may not be good enough for your precious position today but tomorrow I may be worth much more than that, and then where would you be? What kind of company would have people that irresponsible in a top management position? Only the one I work for, apparently.

The month keeps getting better and better

This is in response to my plea for my company to pay for my membership dues in GA association of paralegals. Three weeks later, this is their response. When I applied for this job, they told me they encourage you professionally.

Anita,

I heard back from HR today and they have indicated that GE cannot reimburse for expenses related to a voluntary professional membership association. They want to be consistent on how they treat these types of requests.

Again, sorry for the delay in getting an answer to you.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Mind you these dues cost $125. WTF!!!

The night filled with rejection letters

I came home today to find two rejection emails sitting in my inbox.

 

Usually I just delete them and move on, and mutter, "It wasn't meant to be." 

But the first one hurt because I stayed up late on Tuesday writing the doggone writing sample they demanded. And I sent it off at 11:30 pm, just to receive read receipt that said "The following email was deleted without being read." I just knew it was a matter of time before I receive their boilerplate rejection language. So fuming and wanting to express myself to the computer that seems to be churning out these rejection emails. I said: 

Dear Strategic Growth (DeShaw Group), Thank you for considering my resume. However, I must comment that you failed to even look at my resume or the documents that I enclosed. You deleted the email without even reading it. Inasmuch as I value your opinion and I have no hard feelings, I would have valued it more and respected your organizations hiring practices if I felt that my resume and attached documents were even read, or a more explicit reason - rather than boilerplate rejection language - was given for failing to consider me for this position. Best of luck in your unbiased job search. 

And she, within minutes, said: 

"Dear Anita, I'm terribly sorry for this impression, though I assure you that every resume is reviewed -- certainly not received and deleted. We are unable to provide specific feedback for every application, and the claim that we will keep your resume on file is a true one; we have made three hires within the past year that were resumes received and revisited at a later date. Again, I apologize, and I wish you the best of luck in your job search. 

Elisheva Glass Strategic Growth" 

And inside I am wondering why I didn't attach the NOT READ read receipt I got. 

To the second one I said: Dear Mr. Sigrist (UBSi Group): 

Please remove my data from your database. I do not wish to be considered for a position with your company at this time or in the next three years until a suitable reason - rather than boilerplate rejection language - can be given as to why I am "unsuitable" for a position with your company. The application process is a rigorous one that takes at least 30 minutes to complete. I think the least a candidate asks for after completing the application is an explanation as to what you based your hiring decision on and where you feel the candidate's qualifications would be a better fit. Boilerplate language is rather unacceptable and unprofessional. 

Thanks and good luck in your unbiased job search 

Don't it make you just want to pull your hair out. It is so disappointing that all these corporations have such reputations as being the best place to work for people with Graduate degrees and then, you get the Graduate degree and no one responds. They just fill your inbox with cookie-cutter I-am-sorry-you-didn't-go-to-Princeton rejection emails. If my name was Sally and I had gone to Harvard bet you then I wouldn't get those emails, it would be a phone call. Swine. 

Corporate America is fucked!