Yes, it is me. And NO, my whole life isn't out of focus. Not yet anyway.

I am such a disgruntled young lady. Indeed, I am. I work a shitty job. A shitty job no less but I can't afford to loose it. Among other things, instead of getting a getter job I happen to always score for myself, some more shitty jobs, adding them onto the list of shitty jobs I have in my accolade. You would think by now, I could get a job that is good enough for my college repertoire. Nope. I get insulted everyday. Yes, I do. You went to college so what high wind brings you to join us in this shitty job? A High and Dusty Wind Tormentous and Horrid by every standard. But a Shitty job I can say is far, far more rewarding than No Job.

For the past 4 weeks I have spent all my money scraping and saving for a course. Then, I by God's Infinite mercy I make up the tuition money and pay online waiting for some sort of confirmation to the enormous amount of money I've paid them and I can't even get that. I am beginning to think it is some elaborate scheme to sap poor people like me of their money. But I shall hope and pray for the best. Good comes to those that have their eye on the prize.

However, more people have noticed my state of distress and have so far suggested and loaned me 2 self-help books of their own. One is for hoping in love and searching for life's partner, and the other is for those in distress of finding the perfect job and trying to get by on a minimal wage income in America. All good thoughtful books I might add. The last in the series I suspect would be a holy book, like a Christian book, or the all-inclusive bible to help me assimilate all that's been torn apart in my life. For the 2 books so cleverly suggested, I am still on the introduction pages and proud that people see in me someone in need of help waay before therapy will be suggested.

The lying cheating horoscope:

GEMINI
You can make some real progress if you're just prepared to take advantage of circumstances, so be ready to rush in and grab the opportunity if someone else falters. If you're asked for your advice or opinion, don't hesitate to give it. People are likely to respect you and listen to you. It could also be an excellent time to try to increase your income.

Your luck this week:
Love-B Money-A Work-A*
Signs to seek-Aries, Libra
Signs to avoid-Virgo, Taurus

Bobs and Bits from the Week

First of all, I think the men who are working on my basement are using my computer. I logged on today and found that all my "History" items had been completely wiped off. I know that trick from my porn surfing days, but knowing someone else is doing it, creeps me out.

I decided to clean out my closet considerably this weekend. This means I shall stop calling men unless they call me. Even when they do call me (if ever some of them do) I shall resist picking up the phone.

A very humiliating event happened to me on Thursday.

1) I called Ryan from my former job, my muse, and his first response when I said my name was: What do you want? He then proceeded to put me on hold for about 4 minutes.

2) I called my crush. Ever since the "I miss you incredibly" text message was sent, he has been, I suspect, dodging my calls. I have called, left voice messages--which aren't really my thing--and called over and over. The least he can do is reply, don't you think? Mr. I love everyone at work.

3) My ex who broke my heart in a million bits and pieces has taken the liberty of calling me everyday to find out, "What's up?" That is not really my thing right now. I don't want to dig my way back into his heart. It took me a while to dig my way out. I don't want to take his calls. Perhaps once a month if ever, but for now I don't.

So for these reasons and many others, I am cleaning out my closet, and as soon as I save enough money, I shall change my cell phone, change my number, phone provider, the works.

Yes, I am Lonely...but I am not stupid.

In other news, I shall be starting a new job in a coffee shop the very AM shift on Monday. Some dreams do come true, ayyy! *read some posts below to find out*

Sometime last week, when I spoke to my crush, he said to me that he loved everyone at work. He didn't use the word LOVE per se, he just said, he had nothing against anyone at work, that he likes everyone accordingly and cannot pinpoint anyone he has a problem with.

To tell you the truth I had been pondering those words ever since. Everytime someone at work crosses a line with me, or hits a nerve, I say to myself, "How can he say he loves everyone in here, does he have any idea how obnoxious A or B is? Geez? He musta been high or something when he said that." However, he did say that.

So today, after going through the usual petty grievances and squabbles with the usual pestering and "just want to break their neck" staff, I asked one of my co-workers if she loved everyone here.

I began by saying: "Do you like everyone in here, you know in that Hippie sorta way. Just like in the 70's when everyone wanted love to reign and that shit, do you feel that way about everyone? Let's have a group hug and love one another."

She answered first of all by disputing the era I had quoted correcting me that it was the 60's and not the 70's that the Hippies reigned, but to put it that way, yeah she does love everyone. She doesn't regard them enough to let their grievances or squabbles talk her into "hating" them.

Am I the only one who gets annoyed by co-workers, is it time for a shrink? Do I have anger issues? Just because I don't see heart signs when I have my little squabbles with people but rather see daggers, does that make me a bad person?

I don't see how my horoscope keeps professing that Love is in the air or a love encounter will happen for you soon, and then I live all day and not a single thing of note takes place. Shucks! they must have some other new moon Gemini in mind. Hopefully, him and I ;)

My ex from way back called me today. I was thinking about him today and he called, Geronimo! We had a lengthy ass conversation on the phone--I remember when I could kill to talk to him for that long---coming to think of it I have been thinking about him for awhile ever since I started calling my crush. The way they treat me is soo much alike, except for now my ex knows better so there's more respect in his tone, and I guess a few years from now, my crush will, I presume.

However, he was eager for me to come up to Jersey to come see him. Maybe for the ceremonial fuck that I've been dying to have for the past 2 years. Nope! I'd sleep with a total stranger first before I sleep with him again. The whole idea of moving abroad was to sample new men, not re-sample the old ones in new soil. Geez!

Last night, I made up my mind. I don't want to screw my crush's brains out anymore. I really don't. I just want us to be close, really close so much that it overwhelms our feelings for each other like Keanu and Shelia close. As close as his friendship with that other mystery girl he talked about it are, that close. That isn't too mcuh to ask now, is it Cupid? Really close. *hint hint*

Subject: my analysis of things
Time: 11:00 pm.
Mood: experimental.
Music: pretty baby..vanessa carlton.

I have decided to spend a lot of time with myself.

That means going out, finding a place to retreat, reading a book by the park or sipping a cappuchino at the bookstore, or spending hours sampling CD's at the record store and most of all doing some window shopping on my satisfying budget of strawberry milkshake and large fries.

You see this used to be my agenda when I lived in London. I lived with a family of about 10 people in a house yet I spent most of the time there by myself finding out what I enjoyed, seeking for self peace, and in so many ways I found that and I suppose that is what I miss.

I remember all those days when I didn't have a car I used to want to do any of these things but was limited because of my transportation problems but now I do, gas costs me a lot more than it does the others but I do have a mode of transportation I can use to take myself, anywhere. The good thing about that time is that I was alone and I didn't feel a tad bit lonely. I didn't feel like it was time for me to get into a relationship already or it was time for me to have kids, or do something with my life. Because I was. I was at peace with myself which is more than most people who have these things can say for themselves.

On Sex and the City tonight Carrie aired my thoughts in one single sentence when she said, I am lonely. I felt like yelling to her, Fuck Yeah, I am. I am so much. Once agin, I have myself, in a house full of people, working in a place filled with people, in a people job, yet I am lonely. Almost sounds ironic, doesn't it? Then, I searched my mind as to a time when I didn't feel any of these melancholic-ness, boredom, or strangeness of circumstances, and I found it came when I spent a good portion of my time finding me, with me.

You see people spend so much time analysing relationships, not enough time doing the act. Doing as in, spontaneity. In my loneliness, I have lost all spurs of spontaneity and have spent more time analysing the places I should be seen, I should go, where I can drink to meet a guy or to have some fun, and what I can do to grasp my evasive career. Not enough time, doing, or being, myself. Of which there really isn't anything wrong with that.

So much to the chagrin of my horoscope---it suggested that home shall be a good place for me to spend my time this week---I shall do otherwise. Meet up with myself in the places I like to go, and spend some time doing a whole bunch of spontaneous acts that I shall live to regret not doing.

This week's horoscope scares me:

Home is where you'd rather be than just about any place else right now. So try to take the opportunity to beautify your home and make some improvements that will lift your spirits. You may be creating too much stress for yourself by hanging on to some old problems. Just focus on what you can change, and accept what you can not.

Your luck this week:
Love-B, Money-C, Work-C*
Signs to seek-Aquarius, Aries
Signs to avoid-Pisces, Virgo

You know how you yearn for some stupid things or wish on some funny stars for weird stuff to happn to you.

I've always wanted to work in a coffee shop, say Starbucks or that other one in London, of which I don't know why I forget the name. Especially the morning shift when people come in to grab their early morning jolts of cappuchino, dark roast, all their latte's and muffins. It was big in Europe, slightly big right now in some parts of downtown, and that was when the fever came over me. The coffee shop cafe fever. I remember when they were doing a mass hiring stint but I coudn't go because they wanted the hirees to produce a Birtish passport like most British citizens ever have one.

I would love to work in cafe in Europe later on in life when I've done this eveasive career thing to death. I would love to work in one that has seats overlooking the river or the canal or just by the street. I would waitress or cook, or just serve food. I thought about moving to Savannah and working in one, because that's the only town close by where I've observed that way of life. But I didn't and I haven't. I do't have the balls to do that. Maybe, maybe next summer.

However, adding to my cravings or lifelong dreams. I thought about another one today. Spending the weekend with some special person in a loft by the ocean. We could take long walks by the beach, make love on the sand, wake up and kiss each other longingly with our morning breaths and not think about work or the hassles of the city for one full weekend. It would be pure bliss. This is more of a right-now wish than the former.

I called Ryan today. He sounded, distant, or maybe it was the wine I had been having that made me think so. He was happy to hear from me, but he couldn't recognise my voice. I get edgy when people don't recognize my voice from the first hello. I think he was more disappointed that I called him when I was half drunk on 2 glasses of wine. He said, "You call me only when you're drunk?" Like anything else could possess me to dial his number otherwise. Then, I sent him a text message that professed how much I missed him.

It read: I miss you incredibly. Should I?

I don't know if it was the wine or my tiredness at bullshitting him about the way I feel, I just felt that it was time I coughed up something inside me and that seemed like a good enough time as any to do it---when I was half-drunk. But I do miss him. I even wrote this "I hate you" poem about him. But something inside keeps telling me, he's only 20 years old, handsome, charming and very out of your league. And then something else tells me, "What they heck, you have nothing to lose except your stupidity/dignity which I've already lost by moving into this country, so why not, if not.. You never know."

I just wish I knew what was going down at the other end of the spectrum.

So my weekend was blah. I have so much time on my hands I don't know what to do with it. So much time, I do't know what to do with it. Except send insinuating text messages to men who never call me.

By this time last week, I was on this unimaginable high because I had thought my career was ready to careen.

For the first time, I got a call from a recruiter and I sat through a 2 hour interview in which I shockingly impressed the hell out of him. I went to work feeling superior, high and very intellectual with myself. That shift went by just as wonderfully as it had begun for me, and I crowned the night with some suggestive words scribbled onto my crush's soft hands.

This week. It started bad. It is still bad. Nothing has made it good. I don't even want to try and look for something to get me out of this rut. You would think after a whole week a recruiter would call, but so far none of them can recall my number. I am still working on one job and by the looks of it that one job is dangling on a thread considering I am no longer concentrating on it at all.

I am out of words right now. I am off to have icecream and alcohol hoping something will get me out of this mood.

Yesterday was a day of conversations:

1) The supposedly rude one I had with a guest at our restaurant for which I can't remember for some strange reason.

2) The one I had with my boss in which she berated me for the alleged rude conversation and for being uncooperative with the rest of the 16 year old staff.

3) The one I had with my mum and my sister in which instead of getting their support on the altercation I had at work they in turn berated me some more for being antsy and irritable about nothing towards everybody.

4) The one I had online with my LJ friend rnddaway in which she encouraged me through her comments to "go get my man."

5) And the best one of all, the one I had with my crush on the phone in which he actually sounded excited to hear from me.

I could go on and on about this last one, all I shall say is, it made my fucking day: the things he said, how he said them, and how he consoled me to be happy about life. It made me remember the simple times, the simple life, when everything was so breezy, when I used to love everyone and everything.

I hope cupid is giving me another chance at this because I sure as heck would appreicate it.

Just a day, just an ordinary day.

This weekend I said goodbye to 2 very important people in my dwindling love life. My crush and my muse.

Both of them bearing the same name surprisingly---Ryan.

My crush has officially stopped work for the summer and moved back to college, and I officially and finally quit my other job, the one in which my muse is housed. So he still works there but I don't, and I still work in the same establishment as my crush but he doesn't anymore. It is so weird to go to work knowing that I don't have that to look forward to, I don't have him to distract me, and I don't have his face to charm me. It reminds me of when I was so into Sola and he would leave school to go home early and there would be no reason for me to stay in school once he's left. I would soon leave some days later. There would be no point to my days, no depth to my life.

And it already felt weird saying goodbye to my muse on Saturday, telling him I would miss him immensely and having him laugh shyly the way he did, pretending that he wouldn't miss me too. The living A rating in my love life has dropped astonishly to a D at this point.

Feel as empty as a drum, don't know why it didn't come. don't know why it didn't come.

Am I being unneccessarily emotional about this, I guess but I am that emotional towards stupid things, I don't have a pet and I don't have cuddly animals I hold onto. I just have facets of little amusements in my life, and I cringe when I don't have them to make me quiver with happiness. I sink into this little pity party.

Horoscope:

GEMINI
You may find that there just aren't enough days in the week for you to manage everything that you have to deal with. There are bound to be a number of important decisions that will require quite a bit of your attention, and you might have to put a few things on hold while you're busy trying to make some progress.

Your luck this week:
Love-C Money-B Work-B*
Signs to seek-Libra, Leo
Signs to avoid-Sagittarius, Virgo

I am a very passionate person, about a whole lot of things. When I want to be passionate with someone, I remember every conversation we've had, every time they've touched me, and every single thing we did or neglected to do together. I guess that's what makes me a hopeless romantic in more ways than I need to be.

The last conversation I suspect I shall have with my crush was on Thursday night. He came up and sat beside me, and I inquired about our aborted movie date the day before. He didn't really want to go and I could tell. Then, I wrote down 3 words with a marker on the palm of his soft pale hand. I remember those words so well because they might eventually make or break me.

Spontaneity. Spontaneous. Wild Weekend.

I explained the first 2 but the last one I let his imagination run wild with. Why do I remember random stupid things like these? It was just one of those moments where you just want to hold onto it, and hopefully make the best of it because it might not happen again. One of those few chance encounters cupid gives us a chance to explore. I guess the last word sort of ruined the long line of sense the first 2 seemed to be making. I guess. However, I shall often or not remember that day, the words, and smirk on his face for a long time to come.

Cupid give me one more chance. Please.

hey,
I didn't go to work this evening. I was supposed to be at my other job, the one in which I have my muse, the one in which this is my last weekend. I don't know what's wrong with me. I was fine when I went to work last night and came down and wrote in here, I was fine when I drove to work waay too early and sat in my car meditating, all through that I was fine. I think it was in between the time my boss brought an MIT to train with me that I kinda lost the verve to do anything, or just feel anything. I went numb, carried a frown all through the day and I just slumped into this pity party and it has been that way since.

So avoiding any further complications for myself, I quickly called the other job and gave out my shift. Can you imagine, Moi who begs for extra shifts giving out one?

Then, I ran to watch the new Vin Diesel movie...XXX after work. It was good, it didn't cheer me up though. I guess I lost the verve for the movie when I realised that there was a 3month old baby in the seat next to me so I couldn't moan for Vin as much as I wanted to, and most of all, I realized the dumb ass movie was rated PG 13, who wants to see Vin in a PG anything movie with a XXX title, what the fuck? I almost cried that I couldn't get my money's worth out of it.

So here I am home alone, because I think everyone left the house to go somewhere (hopefully not to watch XXX), sipping a stale Foster's and text messaging my crush (who suprisingly gave me the correct phone number). Foolish, foolish I am.

I am still burned out though. I wnet shopping and even that didn't help. The mext strategy, my hair. Maybe, getting it done will lift my spirits, that and cut tape of Vin's naked body I was so deprived of. I think it's mainly all this career change talk I've been in for the past couple of weeks that has had me shriveled and dried up of any simple thoughts. i am 28 so i need a more civilized job, i can't keep on ushering people to their seats all my life, there has to be something better for me to do with my life, isn't there?

Put a Spell on You

Sometimes, I look at some men and i think loudly: why can't God grant me the wish to bang this man?

A list ensues:

1) Anthony Kiedis; yes, I would like to get down with him, don't look so surprised.

2) Keanu...of course.

3) Vin Diesel...who wouldn't?

4) Russell Crowe..yes, he may be an Aussie brute but a fine one I'd say

5) My crush

You see in my entire life, I have this to say about men. I am not the prettiest woman in the bunch, I may not have the body of a super model, and I may not walk, or act like one (thank goodness) but I tell you this for sure, there is no man I have set my sights on that hasn't fallen prey to sleeping with me. No one. It is just one of those things. I don't know if it's my generous bosoms, my infectious laughter, of just my charming personlaity, but yes, if I wanted that booty I always got that booty. No matter if the guy was married, with someone, or just plain pompous and waiting for some gorgeous girl (Insert Sola in here)

This guy I cannot crack. WTF?!!

Today, someone asked me to please get a man. Just anybody. Somebody so my body can stop feeling cold all the damn time. I wish. What am I doing wrong? Don't people want ass, free ass that bdaly around here? Or are they wiating for the super models bullshit? Please tell me? Something about his just doesn't fit together with all the configurations I have of men everywhere. And it's not like I am a stranger to men and their wants.

So that being said, if I can't score a sinple gentleman I work with, how more these other men I've listed????

Write Down Your Dreams

 

Have faith in the validity of your dreams and believe in your talents and skills. Today's New Moon encourages you to establish those procedures and routines that allow you the freedom, range and independence that you crave - although this does presume that you have clarified your own definition of "freedom," "range" and "independence."

That piece of a daily horoscope adequately describes the kinda day I had.

I am such an intellectual snub. Tonight I passed up on the opportunity to go out drinking with some friends from work including my crush just because I didn't think we would have anything intellectually stimulating to talk about. Which is so true it's appalling.

All day I have been working on my evasive career.

I went for some tests in a temp agency so they can find me some office jobs. I did so good that I actually impressed myself. All these Internet junkyard I've been up to just might pay off. Then, on that high I went to a 2 hour meeting sort of a discussion with the VP of Primerica, and he showed me just how stupid I had become since working in the food business. I didn't even know what the fuck Dow Jones was!??? It was that bad. However, I shall turn a new leaf, looking forward to expanding my dwindling mind further.

So after going through the kinda day I had, I just didn't really want to sit around and talk bullshit with my co-workers, crush or no crush inclusive, over some tequilas and stuff. That is just not cutting it for me, at all.

So here I am sipping the alcohol in my private hour, and pondering what the VP told me today. He said, if you want your dreams to come true in this world, the first step to getting them achieved is by writing them down.

Hey! I am so gonna write them down. Are you?

681175
681175
681175

You know what that is: that is Sola's phone number.

3 years later on a hot wednesday afternoon, you'd ask why do I still remember that phone number? I can't remember how many times I dialed that number, how many times I dialed it from a phone booth, from a stranger's house, from an admirer's house. Just to speak to him. I went far and wide.

You see we had a phone that was broken for about 5 years. So any dating I wanted to do had to be done from an external phone. But that didnt stop me. How could it, when you want to hear someone's voice so badly, you'd travel, journey even walk to the phone booth 2 miles away just so you can dial the number. And dial it several times I did.

Every time it'd ring, I'd pray to myself, that he'd be home, and if he were that he'd be in the mood to speak to me. In that I want to talk to her nicely mood for a change. Even if it was the reverse. I'd still call him again and again. Still pick up a phone anywhere and still find myself dialing that number. It was almost like a trance. See a phone dial 681175. Those were the steps.

I only think about it today because, today my crush gave me his number. That is one thing. The other is, I don't want to call. I don't want the number to be another 681175 for me. Why so? Well, because my friend even though I am hundreds of miles away from Sola or any of his enchanting powers over me, I still feel myself falling into that circle. He treats me just like Sola did, I act just like I did with Sola and I like him just like I did Sola, without reason.

I wonder how Sola is doing these days. I would like to dial that number just one more time. Just to ask him how he's doing. He should be 29 now. About the only man I know now that is at least older than I am. Ask him if he's met his gorgeous woman yet, he was always fascinated with them--gorgeous women. Find out if he ever thought of me all through these years, even if it was just once for just one split second in 3 years. Ask him, if he ever liked me at all, and what it was about me that scared him away, put him off me, that made him so afraid of talking to me. So many questions, so many burnt bridges. I just want to know...it would make it easier to understand my crush right now...understand me, and understand why I like men like him, that are so like him, that treat me with just as much disrespect as he did.

681175. Aaargh! the power that number had on me. I can't look at those digits the same way ever again.

I hope I can resist the same temptation with these digits I have now. Hope I can. Men, why do we let them have these overwhelming effect over us, even if we say we are over them, we never truly are.

The only reason I am updating tonight is cos' I am tired of looking at the last sentnence of my last update. Something about it sounds so pitiful, that and the first sentence which is me trying to make something out of a chance encounter than it wa ssupposed to be. I don't know I am just bitter because my horoscope said Love was a C, and Work was a C, and then Money a B, meanwhile I don't have 2 nickels to rub together. It has been so wrong for the past couple of weeks, giving love an A meanwhile everyone hates my gut. But this one week I wanted to be reassured that it would somehow lead to second base both at work and at play. I have some job leads I aim to pursue I am hoping something good comes out of them. Also, I am hoping and praying for love, in th cupid sense and also hoping some good comes out of that too.

So either way, I need something wonderful to happen to me. I don't want to hold back for any goodness keep it coming, you know.

The weekend was okay. Not that great, my work was dwindling and I wished I had money to shop Tax-free for once. However, I am glad that I am still alive. Don't you say that sometimes?


GEMINI
Make sure that you plan and schedule your life sensibly. Things are likely to get even more hectic in the days ahead no matter how carefully you might prepare. Try to curb any impatience and remember to remain realistic about your expectations. Any important work issues should be resolved by the end of the week.

Your luck this week:
Love-C Money-B Work-C*
Signs to seek-Leo, Libra
Signs to avoid-Virgo, Cancer

And speaking of lunches, today we almost had lunch together. I was finishing up mine or rather rushing over mine once I saw him walking towards me, when he came to sit down to eat beside me.

We got talking again, this time he greeted me with more enthusiasm than he did the last time, and we sorta recapped the events of the day before. We were in the midst of getting to that jill scott moment, yes, that "Long Walk" moment where she says maybe we can listen to the blues or a symphony, because Norah Jones's "Don't know why" started to blast from the stereo setting the mood right, when some people felt we had nothing personal to discuss so they decided to join us, and chat about work. Damn!

I am in a detached mood tonight. I don't know why. I am just tired of all this spending time alone, with my mum, with my mysterious online friends, just with "nothing," doing "nothing" and it has put me in this detached mood. Tomorrow's Saturday. You would think I could find something better to do, but I don't. I just have a long list of plans of the same thing that I have been doing several saturdays before. I am not with someone or planning with someone, I am just detached, seperated from myself lost inside myself.


Is there a cupid somewhere I can pray to?

So many extraordinary things happened today, some of them out of the ball.

The girl that pissed me off the other day at work found her self coming over to apologize about her behaviour. she had a lot to say and at first I didn't want to give her the pleasure but then I thought what the heck, yes, I am angry and vindictive because you were a demeaning bitch to me. And that was that. But it still threw me out of my wits that she could suck up her pride to that, I wouldn't.

The billboard underneath the gas station a centimeter from where I work collapsed and killed 3 people. This is the most drama my neighborhood has ever had. There were 4 choppers floating in the sky, news buses all over the street, and the very street I drive past everyday on my way to work was featured in the news over and over. Moreover, 3 people lost their lives today, that is so awkwardly overwhelming, it freaks me out.

I also called a truce with my crush. Nothing major, or rather I don't want to talk about it too much unless my scheming head would read more meaning into a simple conversation than there should be. But it was a "coming to grips" with a nothingness conversation, an acceptance of defeat thing, and being a friend more than an enemy kind of relationship that we both reached, or at least I reached, and I guess I'll just play it by heart from now, and work on my evasive career let's see if that can keep me occupied.

But I can't help having dreams of sex, having sex, being sexed up, being in a room full of people having sex, just a crazy sexual insinuation. It is freaky but my subconscious is surfacing to tell me, it's time to get laid.