Thursday, February 28, 2008
Dear Gavin, You So Fine!
Last night, I saw Gavin DeGraw perform at the Roxy Theater.
He was charming, charismatic, and energetic. It's like he actually wanted to sing well, perform well, make sure the songs come across to us, and make sure we were feeling good. A very crowd-pleasing take on a performer who has not yet gone commercial and you can't help thinking, Thank God for that. I enjoyed it immensely. I felt like I was watching this indie artist perform and me and the 200 people there are the only ones aware of how amazing he is. The new songs are really good plus the good oldies, you could tell the crowd knew those oldies pretty well because they sang to every tune like we had that CD on rotate. You can't help thinking, "So what if he never sold a million records or got nominated for a Grammy, the underground artists are the best."
There wasn't that much banter, he just basically thanked us all for being there repeatedly, apologized for being away so long, and introduced his band, which he said was a newly formed band, but they sounded great together. But he looked good for someone whos been hibernating. He had a chuckle sweet smile for every time the crowd cheered or he hit the right note. He made very few jokes, and you can't help noticing the hick in his speaking voice, like he's from some midwestern part of the country, too bad he is actually from NY.
At the end it seemed like he wasn't going to perform Chariot. Me and some drunk ladies kept chanting Chariot, Chariot, like we were making requests. Then, I remembered how sensitive Gavin can be about his performance, but he took it well, and dove into that song with an intensity that made up for making us wait for it.
He was not as good as when I saw him perform 2 years ago at the Jingle Ball show for 20 solid intense minutes that were the best 20 minutes of the show. This time he was more subdued and easing into the performance. Then, it felt like he had something to prove, like remember me or else. Now, since he was the headliner, he was sure we knew who he was. But it was still a good show. Will I go see him again? In a heartbeat.
He was charming, charismatic, and energetic. It's like he actually wanted to sing well, perform well, make sure the songs come across to us, and make sure we were feeling good. A very crowd-pleasing take on a performer who has not yet gone commercial and you can't help thinking, Thank God for that. I enjoyed it immensely. I felt like I was watching this indie artist perform and me and the 200 people there are the only ones aware of how amazing he is. The new songs are really good plus the good oldies, you could tell the crowd knew those oldies pretty well because they sang to every tune like we had that CD on rotate. You can't help thinking, "So what if he never sold a million records or got nominated for a Grammy, the underground artists are the best."
There wasn't that much banter, he just basically thanked us all for being there repeatedly, apologized for being away so long, and introduced his band, which he said was a newly formed band, but they sounded great together. But he looked good for someone whos been hibernating. He had a chuckle sweet smile for every time the crowd cheered or he hit the right note. He made very few jokes, and you can't help noticing the hick in his speaking voice, like he's from some midwestern part of the country, too bad he is actually from NY.
At the end it seemed like he wasn't going to perform Chariot. Me and some drunk ladies kept chanting Chariot, Chariot, like we were making requests. Then, I remembered how sensitive Gavin can be about his performance, but he took it well, and dove into that song with an intensity that made up for making us wait for it.
He was not as good as when I saw him perform 2 years ago at the Jingle Ball show for 20 solid intense minutes that were the best 20 minutes of the show. This time he was more subdued and easing into the performance. Then, it felt like he had something to prove, like remember me or else. Now, since he was the headliner, he was sure we knew who he was. But it was still a good show. Will I go see him again? In a heartbeat.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Sunday Blues
Nothing productive yet. It's been one of those unproductive weekends yet again.
The review at work was not bad. It was actually the best I have ever received in my entire professional life. But the raise was deplorable. It surprises me how I can get a "Below Expectations" and still get a 3% raise and $1000 bonus, like I did at the pharmaceutical company 2 years ago, and this time I got an "Achieves Expectations" with a 3.5% raise and no bonus!
It's like the motivation to become a better employee just sort of flew away when she showed me the stats. And I like money. The only reason why I work hard and get all these degrees it to make enough money to enjoy this life, to spend the money on shopping, fine dining, cultural activities, etc. So when you take away that motivation, I don't how else I would be vested in helping the company make more money when I don't share in the fruit of my labor. Anyway, that is too deep for a Sunday afternoon. It just irked the fuck out of me. On the one hand I don't want to put in lacklustre work and let this one good rating I have ever gotten lax, but I just don't know if I can keep up being a good employee and swallowing everyone's shit if it's not going to "pay my government."
I just think the economy is having a heavy hit on companies in the U.S. in general. Just before this review there was a round of layoffs. I don't know if they timed it perfectly just so no matter how sucky the review went you'd be happy just to have your job. I think that was essentially their plan. And you are sitting thinking, at least I still get to work unlike those people who have to hit the pavement lookng for work.
This is still to heavy for a Sunday. But so be it, my work experience is summarized in work that I don't love to do but have to and hope that I can keep on doing until I figure out what to do.
The review at work was not bad. It was actually the best I have ever received in my entire professional life. But the raise was deplorable. It surprises me how I can get a "Below Expectations" and still get a 3% raise and $1000 bonus, like I did at the pharmaceutical company 2 years ago, and this time I got an "Achieves Expectations" with a 3.5% raise and no bonus!
It's like the motivation to become a better employee just sort of flew away when she showed me the stats. And I like money. The only reason why I work hard and get all these degrees it to make enough money to enjoy this life, to spend the money on shopping, fine dining, cultural activities, etc. So when you take away that motivation, I don't how else I would be vested in helping the company make more money when I don't share in the fruit of my labor. Anyway, that is too deep for a Sunday afternoon. It just irked the fuck out of me. On the one hand I don't want to put in lacklustre work and let this one good rating I have ever gotten lax, but I just don't know if I can keep up being a good employee and swallowing everyone's shit if it's not going to "pay my government."
I just think the economy is having a heavy hit on companies in the U.S. in general. Just before this review there was a round of layoffs. I don't know if they timed it perfectly just so no matter how sucky the review went you'd be happy just to have your job. I think that was essentially their plan. And you are sitting thinking, at least I still get to work unlike those people who have to hit the pavement lookng for work.
This is still to heavy for a Sunday. But so be it, my work experience is summarized in work that I don't love to do but have to and hope that I can keep on doing until I figure out what to do.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I decided to take something more seriously
So with a little lull at work brought upon by some recent layoffs, I decided to start cementing plans for my July Bar exam. I spent an hour and half researching law books, bar exam study aids, and the California Bar exam requirements. I came upon two blogs of note, from 2 very seemingly bright women who had started blogging about their preparation for the exam. (Like where's the time, I don't have goal for my blog yet still I never have time to blog) They had inevitably failed the July 2007 exam, one of them so unprepared has decided to take the July 2008 exam instead of the February exam. Reading through how hard the exam is and the astounding number of repeat takers, makes me so frightened. These are people who had nothing else on their plate like I do with a regular 9-5, they had all day to prepare and study, just like I did when I took mine ever so long ago, yet they didn't pass it. I am indeed worried. I haven't even started studying. I don't even have any books. Do you think I should postpone it yet again to February 2009? I don't want to set myself up for failure, but this is one time that I am not too sure my brain can lead me to it. It is indeed one of the hardest states to pass their Bar, with the highest failure rate, so much that people who graduate from California schools go to take Bar exams from other states. That's just absurd.
I should decide by this weekend. Or maybe moreso after my annual review tomorrow.
I should decide by this weekend. Or maybe moreso after my annual review tomorrow.
Too bad I missed a Yelp update
I think I have my dates all wrong. On Monday, I rearranged my evening, my workout regimen, everything to hurry off to the Yelp Atlanta Meet and Drink at marlow's Tavern. Except it was for the following Monday. I got there all prettied up and it was stark empty just as empty as you would expect a bar to be on a Monday night. I just had to ask the bartender in a not so eager voice, where the group was, and he responded oh so casually, "oh, it's next Monday night, as in the 25th. Are you going to come?"
To that I had no response. Am I ready to rearrange another Monday night. I just said, Yeaah, I guess. Since we've already started on this journey, we might as well. Then, I sat there and ate and drank like I actually wanted to come to a Bar on a Monday night.
It cannot be that hard to meet people. It was never this hard in Lagos, people wanted to be friends with me. I don't know why it should be that hard here. My co-worker asked the formidable question every American wants to ask but either doesn't know how, or has been moved to ask even after they just meet me, or have asked at job interviews, or has thought about asking and just bite their tongues because they cannot.
The question is: Is life better here (as in America) than it is in Nigeria?
That's the million dollar question.
Considering I have no friends, and no social life, and I haven't had a boyfriend since I moved here. I am not sure how politely to answer that question. It's more of put 2 and 2 together. If you had met me in Nigeria and now, would you say I am a happier person now than I was then. I don't even know the answer to that. Just some fundamentals are missing in the 2 countries and if I could move them around, then I would be in a happy place. But right now...I am still trying to get my dates right.
To that I had no response. Am I ready to rearrange another Monday night. I just said, Yeaah, I guess. Since we've already started on this journey, we might as well. Then, I sat there and ate and drank like I actually wanted to come to a Bar on a Monday night.
It cannot be that hard to meet people. It was never this hard in Lagos, people wanted to be friends with me. I don't know why it should be that hard here. My co-worker asked the formidable question every American wants to ask but either doesn't know how, or has been moved to ask even after they just meet me, or have asked at job interviews, or has thought about asking and just bite their tongues because they cannot.
The question is: Is life better here (as in America) than it is in Nigeria?
That's the million dollar question.
Considering I have no friends, and no social life, and I haven't had a boyfriend since I moved here. I am not sure how politely to answer that question. It's more of put 2 and 2 together. If you had met me in Nigeria and now, would you say I am a happier person now than I was then. I don't even know the answer to that. Just some fundamentals are missing in the 2 countries and if I could move them around, then I would be in a happy place. But right now...I am still trying to get my dates right.
Monday, February 18, 2008
The business of being bored
It was not a great weekend, but it was not bad either. I didn't advance myself intellectually. There was simply no time to read. I went to the mall every single day during the weekend. And I shuttled half-way across the city to visit my family. Seeing my nephew is always a high point for me and reminds me of how much I want a son. He asked me in the store, "what do you have against capitalism?" Apparently, he had heard this in a movie, and just memorized it without thinking, what does capitalism mean? Hearing a 4 year old say the word "capitalism" is just so insane.
As I edge closer to the time, I wonder if I can take that leap. Can I actually register and study for it? I am so out of studying, so much so I cannot make time for it in my weekends. How busy am I with nothing that something no longer has a place in it? But then I think, I cannot chicken out now. If I do, it would be me backing out of yet another milestone in my life. I didn't drop out of the LL.M programme even when I failed to see the point of it, so I cannot drop out of this. But I am so out of it. Or maybe I want to do other things.
As I edge closer to the time, I wonder if I can take that leap. Can I actually register and study for it? I am so out of studying, so much so I cannot make time for it in my weekends. How busy am I with nothing that something no longer has a place in it? But then I think, I cannot chicken out now. If I do, it would be me backing out of yet another milestone in my life. I didn't drop out of the LL.M programme even when I failed to see the point of it, so I cannot drop out of this. But I am so out of it. Or maybe I want to do other things.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Memoirs of an obsession
As far as Valentine's Days go, this was one of the boring ones. For one I was broke. I've been broke since I got paid last week. Sometimes, you can envision that the amount of money leftover in yuor account is not enough to cover the niceties, just the necessities. So I stayed home most of Saturday and kept the fun to a minimum on Sunday. So when Val's Day rolled around, I knew it was going to be rough one. Everything I chose to do, just didn't pan out into fun. Went out to lunch, and had a subpar pasta dish, with a not-so friendly bartender. Not fun. Work, never fun. Went to work out, not fun. Went to see Jumper (starring Hayden Christensen). So Not Fun. I expected so much from that movie. Promised myself an espresso today and just had it. Was not good. Why Starbucks will charge you $4 for a cup of coffee and not fill the cup is beyond me. I need to go to their website and complain about that. For the cost of the coffee it ought to be spilling from the lid.
So it is Friday.
I have a semi-sweet crush that just developed from last week on Eli Manning. It started after the Super Bowl, and then he appeared in my dreams. You know how my dreams go. I wonder about them too. Last time it was Josh Duhamel. Hmm...this time Eli Manning. I think it's the height and his sweet natured character that is keeping me interested. He seems like such a gentleman, like a sweet natured mild-mannered gentleman. Wouldn't you like to have that kind of man fall head over heels for you. Yes ma'am. You would teach him things that he never knew were possible. Turn his head upside down, love him inside out. That is something I have never experienced, would love to, but have never. That crazy purely sexual affair with someone who is your total opposite. SO MUCH FUN.
Something about tall men too that gets me interested. Keanu is 6'1", Josh is 6'3" (I think) and Eli is about 6'4". And the soft-spokenness. The ability to speak as if you cannot hurt a fly. That is the only good thing about Hayden Christensen, that voice, reminds me of Keanu. So that is my latest crush. Found myself stangely bothered when I heard he was engaged to be married this April to his college sweetheart. Why would I be bothered?? I hardly know him. I bet she is blonde, perky, petite, and has a definite country twang that makes her sound so sweet but stupid, giving Jessica Simpson a run for her money. I bet my last $5 on it. I can tell these things. Thus the reason why you would like to teach people like that things they've never seen. Oh, if only it were possible. Thoughts like that sort of summarize why I am not married. I am just not the marrying kind. I am just out of sorts, so to speak.
I found myself yesterday wondering what Keanu was up to on Val's Day. How does he spend his Valentine's Day? We certainly never hear of it in the media, so what does he do? Certainly nothing quite as boring as what I did, I hope.
Oh, the ability to let one's mind wonder.
So it is Friday.
I have a semi-sweet crush that just developed from last week on Eli Manning. It started after the Super Bowl, and then he appeared in my dreams. You know how my dreams go. I wonder about them too. Last time it was Josh Duhamel. Hmm...this time Eli Manning. I think it's the height and his sweet natured character that is keeping me interested. He seems like such a gentleman, like a sweet natured mild-mannered gentleman. Wouldn't you like to have that kind of man fall head over heels for you. Yes ma'am. You would teach him things that he never knew were possible. Turn his head upside down, love him inside out. That is something I have never experienced, would love to, but have never. That crazy purely sexual affair with someone who is your total opposite. SO MUCH FUN.
Something about tall men too that gets me interested. Keanu is 6'1", Josh is 6'3" (I think) and Eli is about 6'4". And the soft-spokenness. The ability to speak as if you cannot hurt a fly. That is the only good thing about Hayden Christensen, that voice, reminds me of Keanu. So that is my latest crush. Found myself stangely bothered when I heard he was engaged to be married this April to his college sweetheart. Why would I be bothered?? I hardly know him. I bet she is blonde, perky, petite, and has a definite country twang that makes her sound so sweet but stupid, giving Jessica Simpson a run for her money. I bet my last $5 on it. I can tell these things. Thus the reason why you would like to teach people like that things they've never seen. Oh, if only it were possible. Thoughts like that sort of summarize why I am not married. I am just not the marrying kind. I am just out of sorts, so to speak.
I found myself yesterday wondering what Keanu was up to on Val's Day. How does he spend his Valentine's Day? We certainly never hear of it in the media, so what does he do? Certainly nothing quite as boring as what I did, I hope.
Oh, the ability to let one's mind wonder.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Letter to the Triple D's
Dear Triple D breasts.
It's been a long run and I know if it were up to you, you would want us to keep on chugging till I am 50 and you are touching my knees. But I am tired and want to stop lugging you around with me. It's been some 20 odd years that we've been together, albeit that you've not always been this big, but you've always looked this deplorable. I remember thinking, that if I had to go into a store and pick out what you would look like I would not have chosen you to look this way, but alas I was given your sore looks, and I worked with it the best way I could. You've helped me score some good fucks and you, maybe not you but maybe me, have aided in losing those fuckers as well, and we have worked together in the loneliness, in this unending drought. But the time has come for me to separate from you. I promised myself that if I moved to this country the first thing I would do would be to craft you to look the way you would have looked if I had bought you myself. And that time has come, so sad that I am yet to find an excellent craftsman that would aid in that predicament. And I can't help thinking the separation anxiety from you may actually have something to do with it. But I feel that time has come. I wish that you would let me separate from you without any sorrow, no regrets, no hard feelings, it is more personal than anything else, it is more of just enrichment. I unlike all the other triple D's in this world no longer wish to be a part of that sorority and I beg to kindly depart. Please accept my resignation from the Pamela Anderson's of the world and welcome me into the Cameron Diaz's. And I hope you find some other deserving person along the way. It's often been a pleasure.
Your Host.
Anita.
It's been a long run and I know if it were up to you, you would want us to keep on chugging till I am 50 and you are touching my knees. But I am tired and want to stop lugging you around with me. It's been some 20 odd years that we've been together, albeit that you've not always been this big, but you've always looked this deplorable. I remember thinking, that if I had to go into a store and pick out what you would look like I would not have chosen you to look this way, but alas I was given your sore looks, and I worked with it the best way I could. You've helped me score some good fucks and you, maybe not you but maybe me, have aided in losing those fuckers as well, and we have worked together in the loneliness, in this unending drought. But the time has come for me to separate from you. I promised myself that if I moved to this country the first thing I would do would be to craft you to look the way you would have looked if I had bought you myself. And that time has come, so sad that I am yet to find an excellent craftsman that would aid in that predicament. And I can't help thinking the separation anxiety from you may actually have something to do with it. But I feel that time has come. I wish that you would let me separate from you without any sorrow, no regrets, no hard feelings, it is more personal than anything else, it is more of just enrichment. I unlike all the other triple D's in this world no longer wish to be a part of that sorority and I beg to kindly depart. Please accept my resignation from the Pamela Anderson's of the world and welcome me into the Cameron Diaz's. And I hope you find some other deserving person along the way. It's often been a pleasure.
Your Host.
Anita.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
United States of Anita
I woke up at 4.30 am this morning. If you know how much I love sleep, you would understand why this is an anomaly. I actually went to the SPIN class at 5.45 but missed the very last bike. So I have been up for 4 hours straight, with a workout in between.
I had a rough day at work. My job is slowly edging into the mundane. The mundane, ordinary and uninspiring. And it's quite disappointing and revelatory at this time because I am trying to make the decision to splurge on the Bar Forms. I am trying to decide if I want to rearrange my life and my budget to accomodate taking yet another exam which I don't know if it will lead me to the promised land. Because if Tax Law didn't, then I am not sure CA Bar will. That is negative, defeatist, and lazy, I know, and it could be a whole bunch of other things, and while thinking of all the possibilities, I cannot get to sleep. Or I sleep and have nightmares and wake up and wonder how I let 8 years go by without wringing in any accomplishments.
I knew I had things to think about that's why I've been spending so much time online, browsing catalogues filled with clothes I do not intend to buy. Because i am running away from my thoughts, my disappointments. I met this guy the other day. Not important. According to him, he likes me. Even though he does not show it or he shows it in a way that does not sweep me off my feet. If I was remotely attracted to him, his lackadaisical atttitude in pursuing me would not make that much of a difference, but I am not, and there in lies the problem for him. For me, because I spend so much time asking for a relationship, just like praying for a job and a job comes by but it's a secretarial position with the opportunity to amount to something. And you don't want to turn it down because that would turning away your blessing, but you don't want to jump into it either because that is not exactly what you asked for. And you're afraid that if you turn it down, then it makes you ungrateful. I don't know. So much to think about, so little time in the day. But overall, I have become so used to being by myself, that company, male or female is almost like an intrusion. I have my nights planned out, my days planned with myself, that when I squeeze in company I think, this is deterring me from the plan for this evening, which was to sit at home and do nothing but enjoy quiet time infront of the TV and occasionally browse shopbop.com for more deals. I have gotten so used to it the Island/Republic/United States of Me.
I am having a meeting with my boss to discuss why I hate to do mundane tasks. I just do. I hate it because I feel that I have worked too hard in this career to still be dealing with tasks like this. There are some people that are cut out for tasks like that so they should do it. There are some people that are hired solely to handle tasks like that, so they should handle that. Two years on top of the 6 years of college of learning the do's and don't of the Common Law and all I do is word processing. No way. I don't know anyone that would like that.
But I cannot say this to her. Because just as soon as the words land out of my mouth, they would be typing up my "sack" letter, and this recession is no time to be unemployed. So instead I hope to say, I just don't feel like talking about. I hope not to be as upset as i was yesterday and i hope that as time goes on I can understand what importance I play here, but right now, I just do not want to talk about it.
Not unless she reads this journal during her spare time.
I had a rough day at work. My job is slowly edging into the mundane. The mundane, ordinary and uninspiring. And it's quite disappointing and revelatory at this time because I am trying to make the decision to splurge on the Bar Forms. I am trying to decide if I want to rearrange my life and my budget to accomodate taking yet another exam which I don't know if it will lead me to the promised land. Because if Tax Law didn't, then I am not sure CA Bar will. That is negative, defeatist, and lazy, I know, and it could be a whole bunch of other things, and while thinking of all the possibilities, I cannot get to sleep. Or I sleep and have nightmares and wake up and wonder how I let 8 years go by without wringing in any accomplishments.
I knew I had things to think about that's why I've been spending so much time online, browsing catalogues filled with clothes I do not intend to buy. Because i am running away from my thoughts, my disappointments. I met this guy the other day. Not important. According to him, he likes me. Even though he does not show it or he shows it in a way that does not sweep me off my feet. If I was remotely attracted to him, his lackadaisical atttitude in pursuing me would not make that much of a difference, but I am not, and there in lies the problem for him. For me, because I spend so much time asking for a relationship, just like praying for a job and a job comes by but it's a secretarial position with the opportunity to amount to something. And you don't want to turn it down because that would turning away your blessing, but you don't want to jump into it either because that is not exactly what you asked for. And you're afraid that if you turn it down, then it makes you ungrateful. I don't know. So much to think about, so little time in the day. But overall, I have become so used to being by myself, that company, male or female is almost like an intrusion. I have my nights planned out, my days planned with myself, that when I squeeze in company I think, this is deterring me from the plan for this evening, which was to sit at home and do nothing but enjoy quiet time infront of the TV and occasionally browse shopbop.com for more deals. I have gotten so used to it the Island/Republic/United States of Me.
I am having a meeting with my boss to discuss why I hate to do mundane tasks. I just do. I hate it because I feel that I have worked too hard in this career to still be dealing with tasks like this. There are some people that are cut out for tasks like that so they should do it. There are some people that are hired solely to handle tasks like that, so they should handle that. Two years on top of the 6 years of college of learning the do's and don't of the Common Law and all I do is word processing. No way. I don't know anyone that would like that.
But I cannot say this to her. Because just as soon as the words land out of my mouth, they would be typing up my "sack" letter, and this recession is no time to be unemployed. So instead I hope to say, I just don't feel like talking about. I hope not to be as upset as i was yesterday and i hope that as time goes on I can understand what importance I play here, but right now, I just do not want to talk about it.
Not unless she reads this journal during her spare time.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Life lesson from Super Bowl XLII
I did watch the Super Bowl last night, as much as an hour of it, some parts of the 3rd and the 4th quarter and most importantly, the surprise ending.
I have to say for me, I was not really invested in any team, except for the underdogs (Giants) to beat the superdogs (Pats). Sometimes when you watch these games you try to ascribe them to real life battles, and wonder if only the underdog succeeded just like that in real life, we would all be happy.
But one thing I came away with this time (this one and only time I was remotely invested in the game) is that, sometimes, in the umpteenth minute God answers your prayers. He just sweeps in at the very last minute and shocks you with his response. What you have to do to be deserving of one of God's miracles, I don't know. But sometimes, it happens.
How many seconds was it to the end of the game before the Giants scored their second touchdown 0.45. I had actually lost hope and stopped watching. I saw the Pats score their touchdown that put them in the lead at 2:49 and thought, oh well, game's over, Giants have lost, let's move on to something else. And to tell you the truth I am just like that in real life, if I were playing that game I wouldn't have cared enough to put in my best to outplay the remaining minutes. I would have just thrown my hands in defeat. I stopped watching the game and went to fold my laundry. I came out minutes later and the Giants had scored and before I knew it the game was over and the underdog had won.
So much of this makes you think: Don't lose faith, even if it's the umpteenth hour, you just might pull through that hairy moment, and outplay and come out victorious. You just have to keep playing and putting in your best in the final minutes. Just don't think that the game of life is lost when you haven't played it to the last minute.
I will try. I promise to try. And to hope to keep on trying.
All these life lessons from a simple football game.
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