So the Thrill is Gone

My friends, so it seems that the thrill is gone.

And tomorrow I move out of this urban cultural melting pot into a suburban mesh that I am none too thrilled about it. But with all good things, they must come to an end, and the end is here. I had imagined the end will not come too soon. That I will not be ripped from this daydream into reality so soon. Sometime in between my search I thought fate would stop me, knock me into my senses, ask me, what are you doing? How can you even think of leaving this place? That was not to be.

It all comes to a head tomorrow. I would miss many things. Little things but they add up to a lot. Having to walk home after one too many drinks. Driving home knowing I am not the only car on the highway. The view from the 17th street bridge at night. The admiration you get from people when you tell them your coveted address. The smirk with a slight hint of envy that follows their next sentence. And then, they immediately delve into a host of questions, riddles that have been puzzling them about this place, hoping you have some type of answers. It's so predictably interesting. In between that envy and admiration, I always think that perhaps some thought with far too much envy and some how willed this day to be. But let's not think negative, shall we?

That is not to say this place is perfect. I hate having my office in my bedroom. I hate how tiny my closet is. I hate the moldy grout in the bathroom stall. I hate waking up to the sun that causes me to be cheery even when I don't mean to be. I hate some little things about this place. But overall, I can stand it. I stood it for 2 years. And out of everything that would have changed, I didn't think this would be the one. But it did.

The thrill is gone. The loft has driven off. I am glad I got to see this dream come to fruition. one down, a million more to go.

excerpts

Smoke screens circled around her head in the dimly-lit room. She gazed off into the distance, holding the filterless cigarette between her fingers. Her mind escaped to the places she wished her body could go and in a few minutes, she covered several miles of beautiful happiness, carefree people and bright blue skies that yielded to a warm sun.

However this was not to be as she was seated here in this confined space with a half empty glass of water and the stench of her cigarette suffocating the refreshing air.

She stared at the clock for the last time and only a minute had passed since she last gazed on it. It was now 8.31. It is not time yet, she thought. What time? What was she waiting on? Nothing. Except for that imagined place to be here and that time to be now.

I like myself now

So I decided to switch things up a bit and thanks to the good folks at Blogger, I can. So here you have it, new website link. And now, I like myself some more.

There was a time after about 2 years of keeping this journal, it was somewhat important to me to have someone read this. To me, I suppose, I wanted people to empathize with me and my "issues." I used to get so bummed that others would keep online journals and get loads of comments, hits and in some ways some type of sponsorship deal, or at least a writing deal out of it. The latter I really wanted. I thought, maybe the UN would find me and would want me to stop whining about a job with them, and actually offer me one, even if it is a provisional one as I try to prove myself. I just thought that would be the case so it was important to me to have people read me. And I took time out to read articles on "How to get your Blog Noticed," and such other "Get Your Blog Published" articles that may be floating on the web. And I even implemented some of the tips that I found. It was important to me to get something out of this daily whine. Yes, I know I whine, but seriously who doesn't. The world isn't perfect and my life isn't. It was important to me to make something out of it and not just use it to entertain the privileged, life-is-but-a-dreamboat few.

However, with everything there are mistakes. And I made them starting from last year when I decided to associate my real life self with my online self. You always want to stay mysterious just so the people you are writing about don't feel violated. That was a grave mistake on my part and even though I thought that I had rectified it by making certain assertions addressed to the perpetrators, it got worse and the "leak" so to speak had already been made and my identity was now compromised.

And since then, I made it worse by putting up personal pictures of myself, and letting people see me and know me. They didn't need to know all that, they already know enough about me from all these entries. Needless to say, things have been going downhill. It's been some accusation or judgmental comment or the other. I don't need people to judge me in my own domain! I don't need that. This is my domain. Blogger gives away this stuff for free. If you want to judge me, go start your own domain with Blogger and use it to whine, judge, criticize whoever the fuck you want. I cannot allow that in my own domain. This is my space to be, be me, be me with my mistakes, my missteps, my joys, my triumphs, my prayers, my religion, my negatives, my positives, my ambition, my progression and most of all, my obsession. This is my space to be...

So I felt an overhaul and re-direction was absolutely necessary. That's why the domain name has changed. As I said, Blogger gives away this stuff for free. And due to the power of the Internet, no one who's bookmarked the other site can find me on this one. Hopefully not anytime soon. And I am writing this for their benefit. If they luckily find this blog again, oh ye, of the privileged never-make-a-mistake-life, I have declared this my domain to be.

Be me. Bring in the era of the Be Me Chronicles.