Something Extraordinary Is Always Possible

One of my favorite movies in life is A Beautiful Mind. When people ask me, what's your favorite movie I think that's a loaded question because I like movies for different things, different scenes in a movie make sense than the whole. But a Beautiful Mind spoke to me for a couple of reasons one of them came to mind this week with the recent passing of John and Alicia Nash.

There’s this scene where John Nash is mumbling after taking his future wife, Alicia to some dance, he's not a very coherent, fun date so she takes him outside to look at the stars, but he's still mumbling. She puts her hand on his chest and says, feel this, she says quietly in that soft assertive and reassuring tone that just secures her that Oscar nod, "John, look at me, I need to know from you that something extraordinary is possible."
 
That just quiets his mumbling. and I daresay it quiets me too.

I often ask myself that too. I also ask God. Is something extraordinary possible? Every time I'm faced with a life decision or something doesn't make sense in my chaotic life, I ask, is there a point to this. Is there?  I need to know. I stop and hold my chest and ask God, "God, I know this doesn’t seem like it makes sense right now, and I don't why I'm doing it, but...I need to believe from you, that something extraordinary is always possible?" And I try to quiet my mind and meditate and think through the decision and pray about the path that I've taken. So many things we do, sometimes God is not in agreement with it but we do it anyway, and so many times I've done that thinking, "He's with me, I know for sure He is." But truly, He probably sure wasn't in agreement and left you to go fumbling in the dark, places you don't need to be. Whenever I get to those points, where I feel it was an "Anita decision" not an "Anita in the Spirit" decision, I stop, and say, "I know God this may have been all me, I agree but I need to believe from You that something extraordinary will come out of this Anita decision." 

Results have varied.

The Thickness - Big, Beautiful Woman (BBW)

There are thickness and there are men who appreciate the thickness
If you didn't appreciate the thickness
Why did you join in the dance swayed by the thickness
Why did you groan with my moans
Why did you taste the juice from the thickness
Why did you lick and smack them lips of yours every damn time you had the thickness
Not once but over and over again
Why did you swear to yo mama and everyone else
That this thickness got you in a tizzy
Why did you come whenever the thickness beckoned
Whenever it said, it needs some shaking like the fruits of a stocky mango tree
Ripe for some rumbling to get its sweet nectar to come running down its trunk
You would run no matter how late and come climb those thick trunks
Ruffle through the leaves
And mount them branches
Just to suck on that sweet nectar
That flows, pours and gushes from
The Thickness
The thickness was really what it was always about
Why else would you take the insults and curses and abuses
Why else would you hide and pretend
Just so you wouldn't loose your place in the thickness line
The smirk on your face as you mounted that thickness
Climbed on top this rumbling mountain
It said, "Yea, my sweet thickness. Don't it feel good."
There are thickness and there are men who appreciate the thickness
You responded to the thickness every damn time
Was made a slave to the thickness
The thickness ate yo' damn mind
And the thickness protected you with its warmth and soft ridges
Till there was nothing else, no one else
Till you didn't even see the thickness
All you saw was what the thickness meant to you
And your insatiable want and need and command of the thickness 

Dream the Impossible Dream

I used to believe in impossible things.

I still do just not as blindingly as I used to. How to obtain the impossible man, land the impossible job, score the impossible deal. At times, it comes so close that you think, faith is what gets you there, if I just had a little more faith and no self doubt whatsoever, I would have just touched it with just an inch. But when you are young, half the time it’s your innocence talking leading you to believe, that there is so much life has to offer you when you get older so just trust, hope and believe and then, it would be yours. As I got older, so much has unfolded, so many disappointments, so many rejection calls, so many times I could taste success and then, defeat deprived me of it. So many times, too numerous to name. You start to ask yourself, what was that faith for? 

To test me or ridicule me.

Conscious Coupling

One of the themes of Anita Writes, at least when this Blog initially started, was to explore the single life, live it to its fullest and to obtain a deeper sense of self by spending time with yourself, knowing and experiencing yourself. I do that all the time. Every time I spend a vacation by myself or even a casual dinner, people would marvel at how comfortable I felt in my own skin alone. They would explain to me, how this was so difficult for them to do, all while conveniently accompanied at dinner, movie, vacation, etc. I just noticed that it was so hard for people to just be One, without really looking for that Plus One. And if they don't know who the One is, their true self, that being that they were initially charged with and responsible for on this earth, if they don't know, appreciate, value, understand that one true self, how can they add that One to make a Plus One, say in marriage, partnership, etc. To me I feel it just messes up the balance. 

One of my earlier Facebook posts said:

I wonder where I was when everyone was getting married and having multiple babies...hmmm. Nobody experiences life anymore. What I mean by "experiencing life" is, it takes a little while to know yourself enough for you to want to pair up and bring children into it. That's what my blog Anita Writes talks about somewhat. How much of yourself do you know?

Truly, I haven't thoroughly understood myself. I do things sometimes I'm not even sure moments later what the motivation was when I did them. What did I hope to achieve? Where was my mind at the time? Why didn't my head/heart/soul intervene? Maybe the results would have been different if they had stepped in. To be that person, that has not fully comprehended who she is, that hasn't finished "living" and obtaining a mind, body and soul balance, to be that one without a successful 360 attainment, how can that One now be, a Plus One.

Then, I came across this succinct Facebook post about a few weeks ago from Deborah Ade who runs community pages on Facebook:  Scribe Poems which features "living poems bleeding and breathing with truth", and Life Lessons which basically just schools you with some real world knowledge. In her very few words below, she adequately captured the spirit, the true essence of individual attainment. I had to feature her piece on the blog because I was inspired by her words, how few of them, were effective in steering the point home. 

You see my dear,
Life does not begin after marriage, it only continues.
So if you're single and you haven't been living...hmm,
Marriage will simply shock you.
Marriage is simply sharing the rest of your life with someone...
Tell me dear, if you have no life as a single person,
What do you plan to share?

Need I say more.

Deluge

Last 72 hours have been revealing, traumatizing and somewhat disappointing. I don't even know where to begin.

I just discovered through some very tough relationship events that it takes a whole lot from me to LOVE and not to spread HATE. Spreading hate is easy. So easy and immediately gratifying but after that, what next, what happens when your anger cools. There's guilt and remorse and shame for your actions. You start to wonder, "So why did I stoop that low, just because I was angry?" In the past I've come on this blog and revealed information just to get back at who hurt me. I've also made rude, insensitive remarks to people just so they can feel the hurt I'm feeling. But this time, it's taking a whole lot, heck of a whole lot from me not to express that, and I hope that shows growth. I also hope this growth continues and brings me into a more positive space.

Finally, Lagos has dealt me a cruel brutal blow. I'll remember this one. Being backstabbed by friends, ex-lovers, colleagues, women in distress, etc. A cruel death gash that has me bleeding profusely. I'll remember this one and I'll learn from it. I'll learn who to trust, who to talk to, who to sleep with, who to even spend time with. I'll remember this one. 

Conscious Coupling

I took a week off for my life. 

I took a week off to connect with myself. I know that sounds like some Western World problems, but the week before I found myself off, not doing things I would normally do, not exercising good judgment, being irrational and out of sorts. And then I had a friend call me to action and point the judgment finger. Then it just hit me. The only one who can judge me is Me (God most especially) but it's me who is the driver of my actions so I should be blamed if I steer myself to danger. So that made me take a week off to instruct the driver and provide good driving lessons. 

In this week I refrained from ALL social activities, not too many conversations on the phone, very little external interaction. Usually when I do this in America I am able to do it without stepping foot outside my door. It's like my introspective week where I can sit in my living room with the curtains drawn and just stew in my feelings. But this is Nigeria, a lot has to happen outside. So I fought it as much as I could manage until I gave up and ran to the bank, laundromat, etc. In that week, I drank a lot of soothing tea, read a lot of poetry, wrote a little immature poetry, viewed a lot of provocative images to arouse the poetry, the words, and I thought, A LOT about my actions. I was also moved in ways I never knew possible, almost to a point of confusion.

This morning when I woke up dizzy from my confusion, I read this from a Forever Conscious site:

Soul Mate: Someone who is aligned with your soul and is sent to challenge, awaken and stir different parts of you in order for your soul to transcend to a higher level of consciousness and awareness. Once the lesson has been learnt, physical separation usually occurs.

If you really want to connect with a Soulmate, you need to align with your own soul. You need to discover who you are, honor yourself and begin following your heart. When you align with your true self, you are then instantly in the vibration of meeting your soul-mate.

  

Instantly, it made me think, was that what this entire hibernation episode was about: a way to align with my soul? A way to transcend to a higher level of consciousness? 

I can't tell if I learned anything. I'm still dizzy from the confusion. Sometimes you can dig so deep into your consciousness that you unearth stuff that just rocks you to your core and reveals your true personality. I also don't have a cure for what it is that ails me. I just know that I don't know what I am doing. I can't understand or appreciate what I hope to gain from what I am doing. I thought I had it all mapped out but, after my week I realized I really don't. 

All I know is, I am shaken to my core. I am addicted. I am pitiful and somewhat insecure. But I can't stop because I feel like there's a lesson to be grasped from this. I can't stop because I want to win (as stupid as that sounds) and I can't stop because I just don't know how to. Nevertheless, I would really, absolutely and completely LOVE to stop. 

And that is what my week of introspection revealed to me.  

Soul Expansion...Always

Seek that which enlightens your mind
Stirs your loins
Leaves you waiting with bated breath
That is what the heart needs to quench its' thirst
To rejuvenate for tomorrow
Pursue that...none other
The temporal is just that
But seek, seek a soul expansion...always
~~ Anita Writes

May I, please?

Why does this feeling hurt?
It is a familiar one and its somewhat prepared for, then,
If I have known it all this time, then why does it hurt as if it’s the first time?
Why can’t I contain this passion?
It has been the warning from the exploits of old
That "a curbing of the enthusiasm should follow those erratic throes of passion."
If that is the case then
Why should I feel passion at all?
Why does it even matter?
If there was a sense of purpose to this,
To my greater sense of being,
Of becoming or approaching that which I aspire to,
Why does this minute detail of inconsequential uprising,
Even make a difference to the greater person which is me?
Why can’t I explain it?
To whom, and why would they want to hear it at all?