its been sad

I know there is supposed to be some lesson of some sort I am supposed to grasp from this ordeal. I can't help feeling as if I was betrayed, just when things were starting to look up, life was starting to take shape and I was starting to build confidence in my goal, this happens. I didn't like that job. I hated that job, but I had repeatedly asked Him for another job. I didn't ask to lose that job before I got another one, I was supposed to leave them not them leaving me, that was the plan. That was my prayer, and I prayed fervently on that for at least 10 months, at New Year's, on my birthday, when I woke up and when I went to bed. I specified, and I begged. I really do not understand why I have to fail in my life plan. So many times I have felt that God was with me, even though the things that happen to me do not happen to the regular Jane, I have persisted and felt that He had a great plan. Nothing happens for a reason, and that we, including I, have our purpose in life.

I do not see the point of mine. I really do not. So many things I would rather do now than flipping through job ads and the profile of every law firm in Atlanta, I would rather be studying for the exam that I am supposed to take. But now, I can't and I may not even register for the exams at this rate, because I can't read, I can't think of anything else except that this has to stop, there has to be certain solution and this solution has to come sooner rather than later, before I lose my mind, my mother looses her mind and I think of alternative ways out. It would have been nice to make my mother proud, you know that. It would have been nice, I think she deserves that from me. Now, this.

Thank you. I have faith, it is not much but I have a little faith. But my mind is clouded by a whole lot of things which make believing so hard.

It is so hard.

i want to pray

I want to pray for two key things, in addition to all the other prayers that I have laid at God's feet. One of which is a second of God's time.

I pray that my registering for this exam this week is not one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I pray that God consoles me and reinvigorates me as I prepare for the exam, more so that I understand easily what I am reading. I pray that this is the first big step for me and I can stay dedicated to it long enough.

The second thing is that God finds me the job I am looking for. I have looked for so long that I don't even know what I am looking for right now. I pray that whatever it is, He knows me best, knows how fragile my temperament is, and that He searches and finds that almost perfect fit for me, and in that fit that I am happy, content and rewarded handsomely. And that I feel like I am doing meaningful work. I haven't felt that way in such a long time.

And that whatever disappointment that may come to me this week, though I don't pray for any, but considering this is me we are talking about, that whatever disappointment may come to me, that I take it in the best stride. In loving kindness I pray, Amen.

the week that should have been

By all intents and purposes this would have been a good week.

I was in Boston for the early part of the week. I got to hang out with my good/oldest friend Kiki, we did a lot of fun girly things. I went to H&M for the first time in 5 years. I could have done more shopping if I wasn't on such a tight budget. Maroon 5 won a Grammy. The show was brilliant. I got my $30 instant rebate check back. I also got paid. My online friend sent me a mixed CD. Then, my Maroon 5 concert tickets arrived yesterday. Most importantly, Keanu's new movie in a year comes out this weekend.

Everything that would possibly make this a good week for me were in place. In another time, it would have just been fantabulous. Who's to say it isn't. Except, I don't have a job yet. I don't have any callbacks for any interviews, no one is wowed by my resume, and I haven't read a thing because I have spent every waking hour agonizing and hurting, and obsessing over why it is so hard to get what you want and hold out for that thing that you want. And why no one is wowed by my resume. Hmmmm....

I went to bed recounting all the good things, cried some more. I have cried so much this week, the neighbors must think I am suffering from a bad break up or something. However, I had good dreams. Really good dreams. I dreamt Adam and the guys were performing some private shows for me. And I got to ride with them in the bus and ask them all sorts of stupid private stuff. Now that I am awake I can't even think of all the stupid questions I asked and they answered. I remember recounting when the fascination began, and how I prefer the live version of Sunday Morning, apart from that nothing else.

So I feel a little better. Before the axe came down, I was besieged by bad dreams. They mostly contained fights with me and my boss, etc. But with this good dream, I feel like a weight has been lifted. And I really should concentrate on my studies. That's it. I can't promise that I won't cry but I promise that I shall look on the bright side of things. God has blessed me with good things, except a job, and hopefully that will come to be soon.

Hmm...where to begin

Well, I will be perfectly honest with you, even though I may not be perfectly honest with myself.

I lost my job. Last week Wednesday, right about 4:30 pm, my boss handed me my separation notice. Something about my attitude was becoming unbearable, I was always so irritable, rude, etc. Some bullshit. But in the end, I dropped the keys and left. Something about losing a job you never really liked that just does wonders to your self esteem. For the past ten months, you as my witness can attest to the fact that it's been hell, it was either I left angrily, or I found something else, or they kicked me out. Somehow fate just chose the latter. Why the fuck they did it, that is the question I have been chewing on for the past week. I am not a particularly proud person, I am not overconfident, I may be a tad irritable when things don't go my way, and I am somewhat of a snub. These I know are my faults, and also I don't do good deeds. But then, in all these, I really cannot find a reason why fate chose the "fuck you" exit sign to that ill-fated job. I just feel like that job, the short time, the fact that it ended the way it did just ruined the already deplorable career track I was on, and most especially a career that is (according to my friends at Harvard) so much beneath me. I am like fucked, majorly.

WTF is this, I don't know?

I tried so much not to think about this. Somewhere in the back of my head I keep thinking, thigs will turn around just like whoa! and I wouldn't even remember this at all. But it isn't that easy. I went to Boston as scheduled over the weekend, and somehow it made it worse. Nothing like seeing other Africans getting a top-rated education that makes you feel worse that you can't even keep the underrated job that's been handed to you, and here people are studying to be CEOs etc and a paralegal job in a third-tier firm just slips through my hands. I am fucked. I told my friend, that I feel as if I am that most likely to succeed that didn't. That just didn't. It's like I missed the bus somewhere and my track is heading to some forgotten desert. Is this what I get for not doing good deeds, for loving myself more than I should have?

Right now I am at a crossroads. Should I register for the LLM exams, which I haven't been studying, and it is understandable, considering I have just been put through this shockwave, or do I just keep on going, and stick it out, continue reading (which was somehow encouraged after the Harvard trip) and register for that exam somehow, and promise myself to do good in it, despite all the odds against me.

Things are not so good. Like I said I would be perfectly honest with you. I do not miss the job. I just wish my fucking phone would ring. I just wish they hadn't won. I just wish I had left them before they decided to make me leave. I just wish I had gotten any of those wonderful jobs I had interviewed for months ago. I just wish fate had chosen the success route for me, you know, I really do deserve the success route. There have been way too many sob stories where I am concerned, some too personal to mention, it would have been nice if I had a success story out of that dilemma. What was my reward for all the hardwork and dedication that I put in there, What?

I thought I could avoid talking about this, but there really was no choice.

That's it. I am officially unemployed.

February 1st

And another month starts.

This is my 11th month at uninteresting job. After this time what do I really have to say, it's been the longest 11 months of my life and I have spent more money in trying to get a career, get a life, and find myself this past 11 months than I have in my entire life. Let's see: I started school, even though I don't know why, I question my motive everyday that's why I can't even tell anybody why or what I am doing. I moved apartments, that was a good plus. I am taking a trip to Boston in couple of weeks, to hopefully make some connections careerwise and personal wise, and then, add to that all the money I spent on gas etc, going on all those interviews across Atlana.

So that is basically my life in 11 months. The good bits. It doesn't feel like much and it doesn't look like it's going anywhere, but this is my life and I am still here. Even though I am not sure why.

I saw a still of Keanu from his Hollywood Walk of Fame unveiling yesterday. The smile on his face, radiant, the suit, impeccable handsomeness. I was just awed by it. I don't get awed by him often but this was a good one. The suit and the smile did it. The haircut added to it too. And that tie, geez, brotha got a stylist just for the occasion. He just went all out to look good and that impressed me mucho. I couldn't function for about one hour after that, I was in a love dizzy haze.

No explanations. I'll just leave it at that. Sometimes two people start on a path and one person goes one way and the other chooses another, and somehow in their journey they don't really end up where they want to be. I ask myself that a lot these days, "where was the road I was supposed to be heading to, and where was the point where I changed course and chose another. Is this the destine course, and has the last 11 months shown just how on track I am. Can I retrace my steps, is it too late to go back?"

Like I said, I couldn't do a thing for an hour this morning.

It is going to be a long month.