moving and career thoughts prevail

The entire apartment doesn't look like I am moving. It has an uncertain distaste to it. Everything that I use everyday is packed so I am uncomfortable, and everything that I absolutely need is not packed, which I find quite amusing because this means that I shall be running around helter skelter on Friday morning trying to put them away when the movers get here. In other words, it is neither livable nor lived in. There is a huge amount of cobweb build up at my door and I don't really care, I just wish it is still there when we do the final walk through and I hand them their keys so I can tell them that is one of the reasons why I was so put off by the place. Cobwebs build up at a door that I use everyday. Amazing! Alas, I speak now, but the new place might be just as bad. There might be cockroach buildup. I think it is this fear that consumes me so much that I am devoid of excitement at changing environment. Like I said before everything new doesn't always seem like it is better. Everything I have looked forward to has felt like a crestfallen heap. Nothing has lived up to expectation. So Keanu wherever you are, I hope you are all that I dream of and more. I know I am not but that's beside the point.

I thought this entry would be about my career thoughts and the notable envy that has engulfed ever since I realized that everyone else around me is getting a new improved job except me. My sister in law, my friends online and in real life, everyone except me. It's like how am I supposed to pretend to be excited for them when I wish the job were for me instead.

It's time to go to bed. I am seriously resisting the urge to buy a new TV for myself. How big of an urge is it, so big. The only thing stopping me is this shaky job and my forbearance of it.

The good news is at least you all didn't have to wait a whole week for another entry.

I hate that

I hate that I only get to talk on here on Sunday to pray for the week ahead. It's just the way it's been with the moving and the juggling of the funds, and my life trying to be my life, I don't know it too well anymore. I sometimes question why I decided to move when it's costing me so much money and then, when I sit here and I am troubled by the dilapidated state of this place, I think why not move. The weirdest thing with this move is my family is supporting me completely. This was the total oppositie when I moved in here, they didn't think I should so they just sat back and wtahced me struggle with my move. Now, they wanna help me, they feel I need help, I am so used to moving myself that I don't really think I need help all that much. I am just frightened by my decision. I hate being this frightened by a plot I concocted but I am. And what a stealthy plot it is. I want this to succeed, I want it to have been a good idea, and I hope it turns out to be, but again I thought up this saga, so I should live to see the plot twist at the end.

Father Lord I pray for your grace, mercy and protection and your loving Hand to guide me through all my anxiety and uncertainty and doubt, and to lead the way so I can gently follow. In your mighty name I pray that this is a good week for us all. In Jesus name, I ask of thee, Amen.

as another week rolls around

As another week rolls around, I have this to say, in hopes that this would better cheer for me than the last one.
 
"Dear Lord, I thank you for the temptation, the trials and the tribulations. I thank you for making me stronger somewhat through it all. I ask that I overcome them to find something that makes sense, that fits into my space, my life and the ideal future for me and that in it you make me find the key to my happiness. I ask that You remember me this week, even if it's only for a little while and that my heart finds its solace. These along with the protection, guidance and love I ask of thee, O Lord this week. In Jesus Mighty name, I pray, Amen."

I thought I saw a glimpse

I thought I saw a glimpse of myself in the mirror today of the person that I wanted to be. Sometimes I think what is it that forms the belly of my disappointment and though it defies explanation I sometimes conclude that it is not so much a story or situation as a state of mind, a state of being that I am not familiar with, I am not content with, something I didn't want to be. I remember the childlike eyes with which I viewed the future, my coming-of-age, and I thought, that would be a good time, and now as I settle into it, day by day, passing year after passing year, I can't help thinking, how not so good this time is. Yes there are some dreams that have been fulfilled but in their fulfillment, their reality disappointed me. I assumed they would be great and they turned out not to be, like waiting for that pink colored icecream that tastes like piss. Yeah, I got it, that's one plus, but no, I didn't expect it to taste this bad.
 
I have learned in all that to stop looking forward to a heck of a whole lot. Nothing really matters anymore. Nothing ever lives up to expectation.
 
It should be a good week. I deserve one.

over indulgent persona

For some reason I have become overcome with an overindulgent persona this weekend. Have consumed too much food, too much alcohol, too much TV, way too much of that and too much sleep. My family went away to Orlando this weekend, and why I feel somewhat left out of it, I can't help feeling this is the first step to me partaking of vacations of my own, by myself of my own adventures. If I can stop spending money on useless things, then I'd be just fine.

I want to thank God for providing the means for me to overindulge myself, though I don't particularly think overindulging is a godly thing to do, I am glad I have the means to. I pray that this shall be a comforting time for me, that I learn to comfort myself by myself, and I learn to share the good of myself with others. I thank thee O Lord for thy goodness. Please grant that I have a blessed and prosperous week, in your mercy I pray that You are with me, before me, behind me and in me as I conduct myself all day everyday, in every breath. In Jesus Mighty Name, I pray. Amen!

five things you never knew about me or more

Anita's Fabulous Five, or more:

I do not particularly enjoy watching PG-13 movies.
I have never finished Pirates of the Carribean, I actually cannot stand the movie.
I do not see what the big deal is about Will Farrell or Orlando Bloom.
I only cook when I have a taste for something.
I have not seen every movie made by Keanu Reeves.
I can spend hours watching TV, the independent Channel too.
I love to take pictures even though I am not good at it.

No more tears

I ask that whatever pain there is ahead, that I shall not cry about it. That the Lord gives me the strength to bear it, and the shoulder to carry it. But if there is no pain I shall be even happier, for I cannot stand anymore pain. I long for the sunshine because it's been so long. I long for the time when I shall push the tears away and laugh endlessly with joy, gleaming and prclaiming what a wonderful life I have. I want to say that now and know that the Lord believes me. Hope that He believes me, and that in His belief He helps me fight to keep the pain away. I want to triumph where others have failed, live, love and believe. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

KR, money and everything else in between

I often wish I have an apartment with a good view, not this wooded view crap that they feed me with, I just need something I can feed my imagination off of. I once read this famous photographer took pictures from her apartment window everyday. And I am sure each day, each picture told a story of its own. A wooded view, with no animals, no wind, just the sun hitting it doesn't quite do the same. Or maybe my imaginative eye hasn't adapted to it yet.

I was thinking about KR in church today.

Not him solely. Just a bunch of things and something, one of the stray thoughts led to him. Isn't it amazing how people can get rich and just lose sight of who they are, where they are from and what they need? I was watching MTV CRIBS before I went to church and this girl in it, had a toilet seat made of marble and she said proudly, "There are only 3 of it in the world." Yeah, because only three people are stupid enough to want to take a dump in marble covered toilet. I just thought I owuld never be like that. Even if I won the super douper lottery right now and I have millions of dollars, I would never want to take a shit in a marble covered toilet. It's ridiculous. Then, my mind went to him. He is rich, I know. But yet, so simple. It's almost unreal, like it's god-given. That's why I like him and I pray that one day the man I end up with is a fraction of what he is, just a good ole' boy whom no one can find fault with.

My mind races I know. But I like where it often goes.

boring week

It's been such a long and winded and absolutely boring week. It's vacation weekend and once again I have nowhere to go and nothing really to do and it's just boring and lacklustre. I found myself watching the clock this evening, two hours after I had driven home from work (in that horrid vacation traffic)and there was absolutely nothing to do. I should have gone to see Spiderman 2 but I didn't. I should have gone to borrow some movies but I am trying to save money; I should have written, but I have no alcohol, no motivation and I am too depressed to write. Never thought I'd see the day when I'd say that. I should have done something but I was way too wrapped up in an undescribable emotion which I summarised simply as boredom. I am sure it's more than that but I'll leave it at that. It's just sometimes you expect good news and in its absence you just expect the quiet to take its place and fill the void with its silence. But instead there is drama of an unspeakable kind. One that just speaks volumes in its harshness and destroys the silence you should be enjoying as you await the excitement (to come whenever) and then, you find yourself crying a lot more often, soft tears that fill your eyes and choke your breath and just consume you if they are not yielded. You just ache and hurt, and...you look at life in a hurt way.

I am blabbing. And I thought I was too depressed to write. I could have gone to see Spiderman 2, even when it was 10 o'clock and I got tired of staring at that wretched clock, but then, I don't think that would have added any excitement to my evening, to my week.

I just wish my life was not this way.