Miss Fever

So the allergy season has got me down for a long time. I don't think I ever mentioned it here, but it's worse for me because I have asthma. So last month, two days before my new health insurance kicks in I go to the doctor get some antibiotics and he says I have a sinus infection. I have to pay $65 for the drugs since my health people haven't registered me in the program.

The illness only went away for a while, so then, it turned into a cough, chest pains, and an asthma attack during my vacation over Easter. Because I didn't have the health thing, I didn't bother going back to the doctor, I just did some over the counter treatment. So the card arrives when I feel miraculously better, so I have no use for it. Until yesterday. I woke up sneezing, woozy congested and running a temperature. It was time to return.

I went there yesterday and yes, I still have the sinus infection, my lungs and my ears are now infected, hopefully not my brain, which explains why I have these tortuorous headaches. That was that, he gave me a shot, and told me not to go to work for a couple of days.

So I had to call out of work for the first time in two years. I NEVER call out. How do people do this? I had to fax them the doctor's note to get them to believe me. Still she didn't. She called me this morning and thought I was silently quitting the job. I was like, "No, I am here battling with my guilt, cos I know we have all that work to do, but I have to follow the doctor's orders."

It feels weird at home. It reminds me of that uncanny time three years ago, when I had just moved here and had to stay at home for awhile studying, looking for a job, writing, depressed and hating myself. It was a tough time, hence the online journal was discovered.

I hope I can go back tomorrow. I have WESTLAW class at 1pm, maybe I should attend that and then drive to work after, stay for 4 hours and call it a day. Or maybe I should go in as scheduled, what do you think? I just feel so guilty. I never call out. NEVER. Hopefully I won't have to go again. I love being healthy, I miss being healthy. Needless to say I avoided the soaps, and talk shows so I don't hate myself some more.

I pray that I have a wickedly fun and refreshing week. That the struggles and torments of the week shall not beat me up too much. That I get used to being treated lowly and I take it as God preparing me for the tribulations of life, by preparing a humble palate for better things to come. I pray that I learn to take this life and every bow and arrow tossed at me with the breast plate of Christ as my shield in important times. God guide me, protect me and teach me guard my tongue, and actions and help me to do a better job than I am capable of. All these and more I ask of thee O Lord. In jesus mighty name I pray.

Commitment Values...

I had a refreshing weekend. 

However, this is not without spending every last bit of money I have entertaining myself. I realized I haven't done dinner and a movie in a long tme, especially a very late, later showing. I got home groggily at 12:45 am. Felt good as if I had been at some nightclub shaking my booty.

I thought about work a lot. I thought about my career goals and where it would lead me. I read this interesting article about job seekers in a recovering economy. And then, how crucial it is for employers to establish commitment values with their workers especially in the early stages, first month. I just went A-HA! Me. Also, it said that if the employers don't, workers would not have any vested interest in the company and then, feel the need to go elsewhere where their commitment would be encouraged. They've shattered mine. They did that when they asked me not to sign the letters. 

"Why do they always want their name on something?" 

Ouch, okay then.

Maybe I am just trying to justify where this decision is coming from inside me and what I will tell any recruiter (if I shall be fortunate enough to get a callback at all) when they ask me why.

"They didn't encourage me in my tasks and so my commitment values just depreciated with each growing month."

I should have written that stuff down.

You know those ads that read: Find a better apartment or Find a better boyfriend, or Find a better job or Find a better City.

I want thhe one that reads: Find a better life.

Sometimes, I think God is trying to punish me for choosing my destiny by moving to this country as opposed to letting Him choose my destiny for me which may not have had anything to do with this country at all.

Everything I've tried is filled with suckage and the one true thing that means anything to me at all, is just crumbling in my face: Career.

I don't know how to describe it succintly. I don't do concise I assume. But I just feel like I keep getting these shit hole opportunities that do not regard me as anything, I am just a person. A tool, can be easily replaced by any other person. I wanna mean something, and I want the company to know that I mean something. I want them to treat me like I do and I promise to give them my fair share of me, my talent, expertise, and sweat in doing a good job. I am not just some tool. I did go to school, studied and became one of the best students in my class. Why isnt the payback worth anything?

This is HIS punishment to me for forcing Him to give me this. Every time I think this, I console my self by saying, Hey wait a minute, your miracle is on its way, remember? But then, what if that is just that inner voice of hope that is trying effortlessly to hold me together so I do not fall apart like I am about to do. I have been prone to do in the past month.

I don't want to talk about this. I promised not to but I just found myself asking myself (who else is there?) why I am so upset and in between trying to piece my anger I came up with this formula. Job appreciation. I do not have it. At all. And it hurts.

I promise I shall go to church this week. Okay!

I didn't go to church on Sunday.

I didn't leave my house at all on Sunday. I stayed home, did a little workout and cleaned my house some but then, I didn't go church.

I didn't blog on here to ask the Lord for a wonderful week. I was too ill, too into myself, too out of it all day, all through every moment of the day and it was just an internal day. I watched some movies on DVD, fell asleep on my couch and still kept on watching. I was just ill.

No doubt it's been shitty week. My work hours which I thought were great, are now not so great. The boss is turning out to be some kind of heavy hitter bringing down the gavel on us since his visit. He even wrote us an all point bulletin email on it, which I couldn't believe he spent time typing. It's just daunting to me and as I can say, I am a little perturbed.

I pray that the rest of this week is simple, blessed and calm. Protect me from all the weapons of evil that are coming at me this week and lead me safely. I pray that I am washed with the blood of Jesus, my steps, my path and my words and actions are shielded by God's love. I love thee, O Lord, and I pray that you forgive me for not making time during my day, during my life to share some time wiith you. In this I ask thee O lord, Amen.

Is it just me?

I had a KR dream last night. 

I know nobody wants to hear that but I just have to say it because it is actually my first. Yes, years of lusting for him I never actually just dream about him, I daydream which is a different thing from being spoken to in your dreams. I lie, I have dreamt about him now that I think about it. But it was such a bad one, and this was quite a good one and it just has to make news to me for one reason. 

I had a bad day yesterday. I get along with my co-worker, and everything is fine, somewhat. But I am getting a little edgy. Since the superiors showed up last week, I just got the rose colored glasses pulled out from under me, and it sorta gave me a better look of the kind of company I am working for. So many words were said to my attorney by the superiors, words that to me were unprofessional. I didn't regard it as anything, until yesterday. I signed my name on one of their letterheads, a letter which I had sent myself. And the superior sends my attorney an email saying how it is malpractice to have the paralegal's name on the letterhead, etc. This is something I have seen many a paralegals do from letters I get from them. Why should mine be different. The attorney in Nashville made this comment that just turns my stomach whenever I think about it. "Why do they always want their name on something?" 

Ouch. 

Because we are people and not just puppets. Yes we are paralegals but we do three-fourths of the work so if we have our name signed on one single sheet of paper to a letter that we sent out, is it the end of the world? I just kept thinking last night, even a key grip in a movie gets to have his name on the end credits, so why not a paralegal? I felt like sending him an email stating just that. The girl before me wanted business cards and to him that was such an abomination, business cards that state "paralegal", bad, bad. I suppose there goes me finding out if they offer tuition reimbursement. At this rate, I am sure they'd charge extra. 

So you see why a KR dream after such a troubled day felt so welcome to me, if only the alarm had not interrupted the sublime state. I don't know what to think: Let it go, or let it open my eyes?

Self Check-in

How are you?

I had become so tuned out of myself that I forgot to ask, forgot to stop and think and say, so how am I really?

I just got back from a weekend in Chattanooga. We were all so ill but we still insisted on leaving Atlanta. And in our own way we got a little breather for Easter and some very good memories we can pocket away. For me, it was getting my first Coach bag and being able to treat my family on occasion without feeling the pinch in my pocket. This represents a great difference from the last time we went to Chattanooga.

I am a little worried but God says: do not worry. I was so ill yesterday I could not believe how ill I was. But I got better, I suppose that's something I have to look forward to in life, that after the storm you shall indeed conquer. What's most important is that another week awaits. Another week of traffic, alarms, traffic, pollen, and just me. And for the first time I am not afraid of the work, it's my skill at it that's most disturbing.

Dear God I thank you for your mercies, your bountiful blessings and your infinite goodness. I thank You for everything you've done to my life, for restoring my faith in You and my belief in my ability to rise above everything. Please grant that I have a good week O Lord, help me to think, work and be by Your Holy Grace. Protect me from all evil and lead me safely O Lord, and I thank You, my family thanks You and the bottom of my heart thanks You for a blessed vacation. Thank You for your provisions this day, this week and always, Amen.

Weekly Update - April 2004

I just ruined my diet by indulging in two helpings of icecream.

Since it's been awhile this would be quite lengthy:

Since the partners from Nashville visited our office and noticed just how horribly disorganized we were, there's still been a little bruising from the good tongue lashing. I just felt like I went through a slump where they were expecting me to be paralegal, secretary, admin. assistant, book keeper, and hand holder (my attorney cries or as I say, wimps out a lot) In the legal field there really isn't a difference between secretary and paralegal, and very few companies understand that. In the end, one of the partners gave us the go-ahead to hire a temp to do some of the clerical work. So now, I am actually handling the hiring of a person to join us. Who knew that time would come?

I quit my Cardio Kickboxing class when I noticed I wasn't losing an ounce of weight. It's one of my yearly goals and I don't seem to be inching towards it and now I am having to go the vitamin route. Those multi vitamins that curb your appetite. Let's see how it goes. it didn't seem to stop me from gulping down my icecream.

Lastly, I called my credit card company today just to switch out my secured credit card to an unsecured one. After 20 minutes, 3 transfers, and 6 associates. I was able to: switch it to an unsecured credit card, get my security deposit back, decrease my interest rate by 4% and then increase my limit by $2500.

Yeah, all me baby.

That means I now magically have money to take a trip to celebrate my birthday. Where to go, now that is the question? It's my big 3-0, I need to do something good. I need suggestions from anyone, anything, I have two months left and it occurs during the weekend so I am basically free.

So any suggestions on what to do for my birthday even if it means taking the room in some exotic hotel and ordering room service.

Truly Horrible Messed Up Day

I've found out that there's no better way to describe today otherwise saying that it sucked. Literally! I shall use short sentences to describe it as I am too beat to go into a very vivid description.

It was just one of those days that wakes you up from complacency and lets you know that it's time to keep fighting harder than you already are. I had resigned my fate temporarily since I got this new job and got this incredible pay raise that maybe being a paralegal isn't all that bad. But then in between, my new boss would say stuff that is degrading to me, or maybe I am just overreacting I dont know. She would get phone calls from other attorneys and then dash into my office and say, Hey can you call them back for me, now that I have you I cannot be returning my own phone calls. Or, tell them, that she wants her people to call their people and there really is no reason why she should be doing some of these stuff now.

Today we got a visit from the bosses. So when the boss gets bossed around, she doesn't like it. She breaks down and starts to cry. Then, I wonder this is what you put me through all day, every day, you should know how it feels on the receiving end. Then, today she got all bossy and then the bosses told her to hand over all the stuff to me, (her secretary, which is a term I refuse to be referred to by) and she said something that just stabbed me: Yes, I am too big to do the file labeling. The bosses agreed, that her duties should be restricted to the ones that her law degree requires her to do, and the petty stuff like filing, etc should be left for her "secretary."

I wonder when I went from being a paralegal to a secretary. It's just stabbing me in the chest right now, I just don't even want to think about it.

I come home and my friend calls me and tells me how everyone who I went to school with now has an LLM, or undergoing JD studies. What am I doing? Going from paralegal to a secretary?

I just don't know what to make of this.

I know I have come a long way from where I was two years ago, or even this time last year and if no one thinks I've tried I know that I have. I just don't want to believe that this is it, because there could be more. I don't know how I can obtain more, I just know that there could be more, some way, somehow.

I'd rather not think about it at all.

Round Up of Entertainment

Something I am sure you thought you'd never hear me say:

I am not going to get the Something's Gotta Give DVD. I may get it if it comes ridiculously cheap at WalMart just the way they have sweet november in there now for $8.88. Otherwise, I have no interest in watching Dr. Mercer schmooze with a woman with a crinkly face and overdramatic overtures. It was hard enough watching it on the big screen then, I gotta bring it home to watch it at my convenience, you all may not know me very well, if that is the case if you wanna put me through that torture. That movie weaned me off Keanu for a long time. Some thing about the way he looked in it: mature, outstanding, inapproachable, and just deliciously manly. I just have a problem with the whole movie.

I may not also get The Matrix Revolutions DVD. Apart from the extra grabs in it, there really is nothing that calls to me in that movie. He dies! How sad is that? I want the extra features though, I won't deny that I love watching him discuss the thrill of The Matrix.

I am more looking forward to getting the following:

Under The Tuscan Sun

Love Actually

Possibly Kill Bill, vol. 1

You see I am lacking any mind-numbing things to tackle in my life, hence the nonsense encased in my blog.

Keanu is playing in Los Angeles this month, on the 15th and 16th. I am not going. I live in Georgia. No matter how I think of it as an adventure, a chance to see the man up close and not think he is just a fable, I just cannot think of a way to fit that into my life right now. What happens, I take off work, buy the plane tickets to LA, stay in a shady hotel (it has to be shady cos that is the only type I can afford after the very expensive airline tickets) then, I go to the club, by myself in a strange hip city, in my dorky clothes and then I stand and stare and ogle at him pretending I am the least bit interested in the music he is playing when I really just want to sit him down and have a private one hour interview confessing how I really feel. Then, after the torturous 2 hours of mindless music and livid fan adoration (no doubt I shan't be the only female fan who's there to see The One), while I down beer with my sorrows, I shall make my way back to my shady hotel room, trying my best not to look like some geek out of water, trying my best to avoid the muggers, rapists, etc that California is filled with. I return, broke as an idiot, to my hum drum life, working off yet again how to pay the outstanding high balances on my credit card bills.

Isn't life grand?

I know there must be a better way, under the sun and the stars, for me to meet this man. There must be, there must be...