Happy New Year

I saw Rocky Balboa over the Xmas holidays. It was actually pretty good. Makes you feel like you can take on the world. You come out of it with a sense of strength ready to get hit and counter every hit. But life doesn't work out that way. I grew up on Rocky movies, I went to Philly to climb the Rocky steps for my birthday so maybe I am a litte partial. Seeing Sly so old is just a shock, what age does to you, is just mmmmph. I just hate that the movie is getting a bad rap, when it is really a great movie.

So Happy New Year to me! Hopefully, I won't get hit quite so many times in 2007. Hopefully, I can take it, hopefully it won't hurt so much.

And the good news is...

And the good news is...

That I am now the happy owner of a Master's degree.

LL.M with merit that's how they put it.

Am I proud of my self. Hell yeah!

Am I hopeful this will open a door. I fucking hope so cos it was so bleeding hard.

I just feel like this is the end of my trying to prove something to yself. That I could still go back to school and pass an exam. Most of all, that I have not gone stupid. That years of working at restaurants and burger joints and cafes have not turned me stupid.

The good news is I can tick the highest level of education section as "Masters" or "Graduate Degree" And no one can take that from me.

NYC Disaster

It's funny. I've been home for over 4 days from my NYC trip and I havem't felt the need to write about it. It was just awful. Everything about it was awful, from going to coming back. And I sorta knew it was going to be awful when I scheduled it, and realized we were flying (to my sister's advisement) into LGA instead of Newark where the hotels are cheaper. But I listened to her and her empty promises yet again before I bought the tickets and she promised to secure hotel or make accommodations for us in NYC. All of a sudden I wait and wait and I don't hear a thing, so I knew it was all on me to get the hotel and plan transportation, etc. So there it was. So began the hellacious trip.

Because it was so hellacious I don't have any fond memories of it, a few tidbits here and there. but it so wasnt worth the money I spent which was close to a 1200 dollars on a 2-day trip. Since I spent all my money and cannot take a Xmas trip like I envisioned, I would have to stay home for Xmas, and possibly turn in a better update and summarize this hellacious year.

Trip to the Museum

Everything in Atlanta has a touch of chaos in it. I don't know if it's
due to the young age of the city or just because I don't like it and
expect too much from it that I often get disappointed on occasion with
everything about it. Case in point - the airport. Busiest airport in the
southeast, some say the whole country but that still doesn't explain
why it is so disorganized. A little flutter of traffic spreads onto the
street and before you know it, the line stretches as far possibly your
home, 10 miles away. The security line is just the same, so much so
people have missed their flight just trying to get through that security
check point. Any other state you don't have to get to the airport two
hours before your scheduled flight time. Case in point, my flight back
from Philly. I got to the airport half an hour before my flight and I
still made the flight with time to spare to catch my breath from running to
the gate.

The next disorganized set-up. The Museum. I went to the High Museum of
Art in Atlanta on Sunday. It was new, interesting modern décor and architecture.
But it did not have that real feel about it. Everything about it was
plastic, retouched and artificial. Like something out of a futuristic
sci-fi movie that claims that 2028 would look like a retouched hexagon
with very bright colors, soldiers at very corner and sharp lines. I think it was
a mixture of the newness and just the sheer non-authenticity of
Atlanta that just ruined it for me.

The arrangement was not user friendly, few authentic art pieces, not enough
crowd control and the elevator connecting the floors took longer than it
needed to. The pieces from the Louvre were about the only wonderful
pieces of the museum, makes you wonder what the museum was like before
then. There was a photography section but there was a handful at best
memorable pieces and about 30 pieces in total. Either people do not have
the fund to donate to the museum or the museum is still in its infancy
and has not accumulated the wealth of pieces that other museums have. And
it is not fair to compare as I have only been to one other museum (I
think, seems like I have been to a lot) which is the Philadelphia Museum.

Wish i had something to say

Wish I had something to say, but unfortunately I am drawing a blank. How has your week, or your month or year been? Mine has been crappy. Funny thing is I sort of knew it was going to be like this, right at the top of the year, the very top, as in few seconds in. Because last year was so good to me, that I knew that the next year was so going to suck mothballs. And what do you know, it did.

Right now, there are 3 things that could possibly or shall I say miraculously happen before this year ends that would make it worthwile, wipe off all the pain and anguish of this horrid year. I know it's probably a lot to hope for being that we only have 6 weeks before the nightmarish year ends. For now, all I can really pray for is that I stay alive to see the year end, and if the 3 miracles shall occur. Even better.

Pay attention and listen

Spent a good part of the day fiddling on the computer. I guess it's good this way. My brain has been hyperactive lately and it's just been filled with glimmer of despair, and then my struggle to keep afloat, then of course, there's the good ole' retail therapy...of the worst kind. But I have been well.

I am sorta glad that the clock is going back, I need the extra time to retrieve myself. So much I wish could happen, one of them is that I pass my exams. Then, there's the other, the inevitable. Then, that I get to like my job. No matter what. That I get to love it, the people, my new friends, my new environment. I have met the most amazing people in the last couple of months and it's been great. For once people were unafraid to reach out and touch, connect. It felt different. It opened me up as well. Like it opened up that part of me I didn't know could feel. I suppose I am not as cold-blooded as I thought I was. Maybe. But it's been a calming time for me.

Wine and Done event

Today, there was a wine and dine event in my neigbourhood. Actually, underneath my window. It was a hop, skip away, felt like living in Adelabu all over again. The weather was wonderful for it, one of the last 70 degree days and bright and beautiful. But this was not a street fair as in open for all to come sample the food and wine from the rstaurants that trail my neighborhood. There was ticket charge of $30 (cash) they emphasized as I walked towards them. Hmm...

I am trying to get back into my creative writing since I have been so out of it for about four months, while my life tore it into pieces. I am still trying to pick up the pieces from the roadside where life left it. So now that I have this very expensive iMac, I thought it might get me into writing, taking pictures, etc.

So this is one that I took outside my window ...

Months later ...

Months later and a couple of job try-outs later, I can, knock on wood, safely say I am employed. There is more to talk about, but for osme strange reason I am feeling very sleepy. I am having a glass of wine on an empty stomach. I had some fries and tired barbecue at lunch and that was about it.




This is me looking rotund and fresh faced at the top of the great Missouri Arch with my new o-worker. We are training for this nw job for 3 weeks in Missouri, and we are having fun.

things have changed

Things have improved considerably --- and now I am in a quandary situation.

I need a little input with a decision I have been teetering with.

For the past couple of months, I have been unemployed, desperately searching for an opportunity. And then, I got two job offers at a time. They are both as contract specialists, one is with software and the other is in commercial finance. One pays 5K more than the other with no overtime amd the other one has the possibility of overtime.

At present I dont know what to do. I accepted both positions and I am currently waiting to "supposedly" start one next month and currently working with one. But I have to make my decision by the end of next week so I can break it to the company gently and give them enough time to recruit a replacement. I have been told to write down pros and cons and figure what pros outweigh the cons. My mind is swayed towards the position in commercial finance because I am getting a business law degree and it sort of ties into it and software is a little technical for me. However software is also a very good/thriving industry to work in as a paralegal, as we all know.

I have also tried researching the companies. But it's basically cookie cutter information. No insider tips as in what it feels like to work there, company politics, managerial style, etc. Are there other ways of obtaining this information?

So that's where we stand. There is more to it I suppose, I don't know if anyone is interested in hearing my jibber-jabber. Please help. You can ask me any questions that would help you analyze the situation.

Selling fucking assets

When will I get a new job so I can stop selling assets like I am fucking Michael Jackson or even Ari Gold, who made that statement on Entourage and I thought it was funny until it applied to me.

A month later and I am still out of a job. With all the temp jobs and everything else in Atlanta, I have still been unable to get any fish nibbles. Last week a little bit but this week, not even a peep, no one wants to know who I am. And so I have sold quite a bit to raise money. I sold my dining set, my spa gift card, and now I am thinking of selling some of my black and white prints. All that to raise money. I have disconnected my cable and internet, currently using free month dial-up, yes it's that bad. I walk into my house and my TV is off, and I have watched all the DVD's at least twice.

So I ask once again, who is gonna take a shot and hire me, so I can stop selling my freaking assets.

I promise myself I wouldn't cry but I gave into it twice, three times if you count the tear that welled up in my eyes, while I sat at the bookstore today. It is sad, when your enemies triumph over you, when your deepest fears turn out not to be your paranoia, but true, it is sad, daunting like you should have trusted your sixth sense in the first place. It is devastating and infuriating.

I feel like this is the worst year of my freaking life. Something about your thirties that never gets easier, it just gets worse. Every freaking year it's been bad. You would think I would have a career by now, but instead I am unemployed and depressed and contemplating the razor, except I hate sharp objects and I did watch Constantine so I know the consequences of that.

I have nothing else to say.

from one friend to another ...

Bits and pieces of my note to my girlfriend who is having marital problems, four years into her marriage.

Hello girl,

I talked to my sister briefly about it...she said, It is unacceptable, the marriage is too young for him to act that nonchalant when his partner is having a problem." ...i have come to appreciate after being alone for so long, is that I am not afraid of being by myself, and I am not afraid of taking care of myself. there are certain times when you have to draw a list of the pros and cons of staying with him, and if the cons outweigh the pros, then, you look for inner peace by yourself with your daughter. Maybe he didn't bargain for all that he's ended up with in marriage so young, and some men ...fear being tied down to routine, so they decide to find ways to run from it so they wouldn't have to face it. that's fine but it's your life too. but I can only say this because i am single, maybe if I were married, I would tell you to hang in there and take the good with the bad, but either way you have to write that list. and don't let regret carry you. that's what has consumed me and consumes me everyday that I cannot do a good job. I keep thinking that there were some forks in the road somewhere in my past and I failed to take the right road, and ended up with this one, and blame myself, God, everybody and everything for not letting me take the right path. Don't ever regret where you are. It was God's decision in everything, in His might, He thought it out just like He thought out mine as shitty as it is. I just keep thinking, most likely to succeed that didn't. Is that what God wanted for me? Perhaps. But that's where we are. My dear friend, just think about this today and I will talk to you later on Saturday, I am going to ride my bike in the afternoon.

take care and pray, and find some kind of escape. mine is Keanu Reeves, and my writing and I recently took up cycling, find something. whatever it may be.

your friend,

About the "headbutt heard round the world"

It must be so hard being a role model.

It must even be harder living up to the expectation of being a role model without knowing that in your every day life/work thT you have been chosen as a role model.

I must be one of the very few people in this world who totally understands and respects (and thinks it is somewhat cool) what Zidane did at the World Cup on Sunday.

Soccer is a very passionate game. As a matter of fact, the passion is what I love about it. It's about the only game I know that grown men cry, in full glare, not even ashamed to show that they are crushed and are literally weeping and wailing. So with all that passion, when something like a curse word aimed at the wrong person is thrown in it, it must be so infuriating.

I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to bash people's heads in, *most recently the douche bag I now work for* for saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, but you keep it all inside, and it just consumes you, and it gives the provoker the impression that it is alright to infuriate you, that "I can do this and get away with it," sometimes being civilized, makes you lose face and not confront the wrongdoing, or warn the wrongdoing, that you know what "you can no longer do this. It is unacceptable." I like what he did, I admire what he did.

I was a little bit of a fan before, but now I am an even bigger fan, and everything he said in his apology is just about the way I would have phrased it, "I do not regret what I did."


I have also culled pieces from blogs that I agree with.

Given a reprieve, Zizou picked up his squad by the scruff of the neck and spurred them by example. Angry passion has always been a critical factor in Zidane's game-as he has mellowed during his advancing years, his play has gone south as well. Zidane was able to summon his fire once more in Germany. This was Zizou in full-you can't take the genius in the midfield without also taking the occasional bout of anger. If it cost his team the World Cup, well, they wouldn't have been in that position anyway.

NYU doctoral candidate Asad Raza at 3 Quarks Daily provides an explanation for shocked U.S. fans: "It may have clarified his priority for pride and honor over winning. This is equally unfamiliar in the U.S., where sports are so heavily corporate that there is little tolerance for figures who do not, like Michael Jordan, always place the game above all else."

Thoughts of an anniversary

Today is Sly Stallone's 60th birthday.

Years ago, very many years ago, I must have been a young teenager at the time, I was in boarding school and me and a friend of mine thought it'd be a good idea to send him a fan letter, a big birthday card and fan note. We thought we'd get a response on it because, some other girl had been writing to Kevin Costner (who at that time was a bigger star) and he had responded, with an autographed picture from his new movie "Dances with Wolves." So we thought of something unique to write on the letter, unique for two 15 years olds, and then we put as much stamp as possible so the mail room wouldn't return it, and off the letter went.

Needless to say we never got a response. Just my luck, right. I only remember this now because of two things. I still write fan letters, I am in my early thirties, and I still write fan letters. As a matter of fact I wrote one last night, currently resisting the urge to run and check my email for a response. I wrote one to Interview editors asking them to interview Keanu, and I wrote one to Details responding to their article on Keanu (that one did get published), I also wrote one to Gavin, (which wasn't a very good one) and then, the one last night was to Sir Dane Cook, with his one million plus friends on Myspace. My newest and latest obsession. What is a 32 year old woman doing writing him or any fan letters at all. However, that's just me, 16 years later I am still writing fan letters.

The second reason why I remember this is because I just got back from Philly, the sights and sounds of Rocky. Everywhere you turn there's some tribute to Rocky, his poster, some place he visited in the movie, most especially the museum steps that he climbed on top of and made it a part of movie history. It became a part of my history. I don't think that when I wrote that letter I thought, there would come a time when I would actually visit this place, and strike a pose just like he did, but it happened. Some dreams come true even when you don't imagine them to be.

Life is weird and believing in miracles or circumstances, or happenstances is even weirder. And if you are like me, that you just do whatever makes you feel good, even though it is three levels below your age, that is a weitd tale to live up to.

I will post pictures from my trip trying to revive this thing a bit. I have 5 weeks to my first exam and I am fooling with this blog.

Point of no return

Sometimes you reach this point that seems like a fork in the road. It put stops and you know it has stopped because it seems to be asking you to make a decision, questioning what direction you shall choose to go. And you know that whatever direction you choose it;s going to be a crucial one for the rest of your life until you get to yet another fork in the road.

Too bad I missed a birthday update

It's been four days of nothingness. I didnt mean not to update for ever, but I just seem so distracted and unable to filter my thoughts when I get home that I just sit in front of the TV and eat. Sometimes i read too but that's sometimes.
The exams come to an end Sept 1st. And I will be glad when it is over. Wish I could say the same for the other problems in my life. Some of them seem to never go away, they just sorta recycle themselves.

Early this month, I celebrated my 32nd birthday. And it was amazing. I thought I would write about it, but so much was going on, good and bad that I had to suspend the bad ever so briefly to take in the good for my long-awaited and expensive vacation. It was my first fully paid vacation elsewhere, and I got to do two cities, Chicago and Philly.

Philly I had been dying to go to for so many reasons. One of the few cities in America that gets depicted in movies, music, food and thought is philadelphia. Fresh prince of bel air, the movie Philadelphia, and then of course Rocky. Then there was Jill Scott, and all the other spoken word artists. It's just so filled with culture that immediately your interest is peaked, I know mine was, so when the opportunity came to me, as in my san francisco trip just didn't play out, I decided it was time to go to Philly. And so I did.

There's so much to say about vacationing by yourself. I am so far removed from the trip that I cannot remember so much of it. I remember the little things:

Waking up on the morning of my birthday in the hotel room, and having it feel fantastic.
Going to confession and attending mass in the huge church in front of my hotel. SS Peters and Paul Basilica.
Walking on Benjamin Franklin Parkway and stopping right by the Nigerian flag.
Walking up the famous Rocky steps and not even knowing they were the Rocky steps until I got there.
Every corner in Philly is captured with a statue, monument, water fall, some inescapable artistic moment.

Chicago is an architects dream. It's just so architecturally superb, I would go there just to look at the buildings. It had bits of serenity in it, and such lush city life unlike what we encounter here in Atlanta. The sidewalks alone, and the busy subway system even at midnight are not like Atlanta, no matter what the rappers tell you. ATL is not all that.

There was a certain freedom I felt in visiting Philly. I don't know if I will ever feel that free again, like I was invisible, free to be my own person, walk to wherever, not have to drive everywhere, and just basically be whatever. I don't know if it will feel that great if I move there. I might feel the same entrapment that I get in Atlanta. Or maybe it was plainly because I was on vacation and i didnt have work responsibilities to depress me. I just felt so free floating. My birthday dinner was also awesome. I went to this posh Irish pub, with a real life Irish waitress. I thank myself for making that possible.

If not for the weather and the crime rate, I am seriously considering up north. There's a certain kind of authentic modern tale that they share that fascinates me, plus in my line of work it may help too.

However, I digress. I have also been thinking about possibly moving to another country. Another country in Africa. However, what would I do, where would I live, where would I work? I just feel like I should let the dream die, find some African country that is slightly politically and financially stable, good weather, and wonderful people. Maybe Namibia. I don't know what that's like. I never gave my self a chance to explore other alternatives except for America, I always thought this was the solution. I am coming to think maybe it's not and I really should push it to be. I just don't know how to say goodbye to certain things I had lined up for myself, like that nice apartment I want to move into, my lovely car that I nap in at lunch time, my concert and movie cravings, my new Trek bike, and then, my family, most importantly. But perhaps, I will regain all that, plus a career. And maybe I would feel just as free as I felt 3 weeks ago.

But this is all talk, me at 35, I will still be saying the same thing, nothing. And wondering why I never did anything about it. I just need to find a place I can crawl into and just live my non-existent life and feel less of a failure to myself and to the world than I do now.

Namibia, Togo, or Ghana. Possibilities.

Sometime in the past

I think I am in God's bad books for 2006. You know how you feel when you keep praying for some light at the end of the tunnel, or just some kind if saving grace from a problem and instead of chipping away, it gets worse, it just escalates to something worse. I try to not to think every day should be perfect, it should be raindrops on roses, every single time, but when you are going through some intense difficulty, and it doesn't chip away slowly, and there is no one to turn to for help, you start to wonder, now I understand why people kill themselves, now I understand why people get diagnozed with depression and just don't want to move from asingle spot because they cannot handle it, at all. Why do we even get upset when people die, thank goodness they don't have to face this complicated life.

where've I been

Where've I been? I cannot begin to tell you.

Everywhere and nowhere, in my head, in my thoughts, deep in my heart, wandering, thinking, wishing, day dreaming, just sinking into despair, and using every bit of hope, faith and good ole fashion retail therapy to hang on to reality, to still be here. In times like these, words seem so inconsequential, so filled with nothingness, like they don't won't make a single difference. And there's still me. Holding onto nothing.

I have been thinking a lot about relocating. Soemtimes you think maybe it's the hole that I am in that makes me seem invisible, and then, I spent the latter part of last month and some weekends this month, looking for a new apartment. Meanwhile I have 5 months left on my lease and I love my apartment. There are so many condo developments in Atlanta, and you just go visit them, and it's like it's a slice of life, this people are living life, fresh, alive and heartbeating in the wind, and what are you doing, nothing, just holding onto nothing. Of course I cannot afford to live in one that's even 700 square feet, and then, that saddens me, and then, I wonder, why on earth am I studying when I cannot even get a decent paralegal job.

Then, I thought of networking, I went to a whole bunch of seminars, and workshops. I found that the people there were more interested in trying to market their firm to the corporation that you work for more than vice versa. They think, if you are not gainfully employed then, what on earth are you doing here? Holding onto nothing, I suppose, hoping it won't give way.

Then, I tried retail therapy. I finally got enough balls to get my TREK bike and my PDA, it arrives in 3 weeks, because I put so many add-on's, then, I bought a textbook, and in a couple of minutes, I am going to get some CD's. There's so much retailing going on.

So I haven't been studying, I haven't been dining out, I haven't been to the movies, I haven't been to any plays, I had one interview and it flopped, and I have just been kinda just hoping for a miracle, holding onto that hope and faith. It's not nothing, it's a little more.

stopped to consider everything

For the past two weeks, I have been distracted with a lot. I just feel like I am in a lull, career wise and personally and I am fighting hard to step out of this lull, by doing thinking, dreaming of everything and anything. So far it is not working. I have not updated any of my blogs in a month plus because I don;t really know how to put my aggravation into words. It's not so much the aggravation but an uncertainty about a lot of things that has left me a little out of focus. I think I read too much at some point, and I stopped to consider what I was reading for and I realized that I was nowhere near my goal of achieving some measure of certainty even with my studies, a looming birthday and just my general malaise. I know something will have to give, I would either do something really stupid or keep murking around until I find a way to fill this void.

There is going to be a New Moon in Taurus on Thursday and this may encourage you to make a fresh start concerning your spiritual and inner life. If you have had a desire to calm your mind, this is your chance to learn and adopt a whole new practice that will bring you inner peace. It is a good time to begin writing down your dreams as well. You have two weeks to make these practices a part of your life. Mercury is in your social zone, which is great for entertaining, networking, and making those new connections. But don't believe everything you hear on Saturday when it sextiles Neptune. You may find that a friend is not quite as they seem. Sunday also looks quite intense as Venus squares Pluto. Someone may be out to manipulate you.

I am falling

Partying is not for the faint of heart. I am ill after a very rumble tumble weekend. The one weekend where I made all these plans is the same weekend that I had to clean my house, vacuum and wash my hair. To top it off, my closet breaks down and topples all my clothes, so I have to prep that for fixin, and prep that again when it's done. My life can be easier why it choose not to be I don't know.

Never again...seen it before but not like this

Saw Nickelback in concert last night.

Sometimes, your life can seem so ho-hum and routine that you need a good kick in the ass to give it that shove of life that you think at your age you deserve. And nothing does that more than a rock concert. My first actually. Nothing like the screaming fans and the good ole pyro to set you in the mood, moreso since it was St. Patrick's Day, couldn't have picked out a better weekend for myself in my sleep.

There's more but I am too tired to type, I just thought I'd drop in and gush about my concert. It was actually better than Maroon 5 or maybe because at the time I was going through some rough stuff. M5 had no pyro, no banter and no encore, so that sort of lost them points right there.

We'll talk soon I promise. Waiting on a miracle, so maybe you can wait on it with me.

People who need people

I have not really had anything to say in the past couple of weeks. The second half of February was indeed dreadful and quick, dreadfully painful and quick, that's when you know the pain hurts it comes so quickly and undetected. Sometimes it hurts so much that you cannot quite describe it. It's just a throbbing pain that just nauseates and disillusions you. I don't even know where to start. From my traffic ticket, to the dent on my car, to my personal woes, to my job cutting me out of everything like a sore wound, or just my general distrust of people and everything they stand for. How does one begin to describe this stuff with a brave face and pretend that it is quite alright. Hmmmm...

People. I don't hate people. I just don't know if I can stand to be around them because they are so untrustworthy.

So in order not to celebrate my disdain, I tried everything I know. Retail therapy, writing, poetry, KR and GDG, and finally a little makeover. The bitterness and sense of betrayal are still present everytime I turn to look at people or even pretend to speak peaceably to them. But it was my fault for not being so guarded, now I know why KR is a hermit. People are sharks, it's like mini-satans dwell in all of them even when they don't mean to, they just whip out their fangs and suck you of joy.

a decade later

I apologize that its been so long. Just when you think life is ho-hum and you get a little bored with the routine something sticks in it and then, everthing starts to capsize. That's just a succint way of summarizing it. So bad, that the bonus money I have been looking forward to all year came around and inside of a day it was all gone, and I didn't get to use it to pay for my exams or buy even a single t-shirt. It just got caught in the high and dry of my everyday living. So let's say February is not really my month. Not this time last year, not this year. Needless to say that right after I posted that very optimistic horoscope that life got a little pessimistic and raw, and just generally sucks. Almost to the point that I am slowly starting to forget the things that used to give me joy, or just general direction.

I will elaborate on this later, when I am not feeling so deeply hurt by it.

Dear Lord, as much as it hurts and fails to make sense at this point, please help me to see the sense in it, to see the light of God emerge from this troubling time in my life. Help me to believe in the goodness of the Lord with this weighty load I have been given to bear. And God willing it would be a good week. In Jesus name, I pray.

Horoscope ties it all in

Gemini (May 21-June 21)You are very optimistic, inquisitive, intelligent and full of energy. You need a vocation that keeps your interest piqued and keeps you going, such as a travel guide, nature explorer or a sales position where travel is required.

Week of February 13, 2006: You may find Valentine's Day to be more interesting than you expected. *snickers, I can bet my unborn children this is an utter fabrication* Venus sextiles Jupiter on the day, which will bring you plenty of opportunities to share your love with your dearest sweetheart.*who is currently AWOL in some time continuum, but thanks for keeping him in mind* Vacations and short breaks look like the ideal way to spend a relaxing time together if you can do so. If you happen to be online, an unexpected stroke of luck could bring you a new online affair. Midweek is another time for passion, so if you are too busy on Valentine's Day to enjoy some fun, Wednesday would also go down a treat. One conversation of extraordinary depth could lead to many new adventures. *gasps, my two favorite words extraordinary and adventure* Mars moves into your sign on Friday, which is going to reenergize you and help you to get some of those exciting new projects off the ground.

You will feel on top of the world and ready for anything. The Sun moves into Pisces on Saturday which further emphasizes your career zone and gives you a deeper sense of purpose. Things may move quite quickly and some unexpected offers may yet come your way. Exciting news arrives out of the blue. * yet another one of my favorite words: exciting.* If you are open to conversation then you can make some excellent progress on Sunday.

Most of the time, when this horoscope waxes lyrical, and spreads good news just like so, I often think, this is not referring to me. It is describing some other Gemini. whom apparently has a significant other, or has some kind of life that resembles something out of a story book, and all these exciting things are going to happen to him/her. For eg, last week, it told me I would be at the right place at the right time (which sadly is what I have been praying for). Not so much. On Friday I left for lunch early and missed an invite to lunch with a close friend of mine. All my leads turned out to be blah! embarassing not only because none of them worked out, they didn't work out in the "I made a little boo boo" type way, it was more like, they ignored me, indicative of "we are just not interested in what you are peddling, so take your meangie 3 for 3 ass outta here. Golly."

Why else would my horoscope put Gemini and stroke of luck and, unexpected offers in the same paragraph, and I think, Gee whiz, guess who's going to come up with something..goood. Good ole' me. Watch this space next week Monday, and I am still the same, still single, still day dreaming, even while I drive, and a little less hopeful, as each day goes by, my hope wanes.

Staring at a maple leaf...I found touch

I tried to make a list of the top ten things I want in a JOB and I want in a MAN on Monday. The list still sits in my car because I am not quite sure I should post it anywhere.

In trying to come up with each number on the list, I had to shirk myself of all measure of superficial things, nothing too lacking, or just plain dumb, that elaborates how bland my mind is. And I also tried to think realistically and douse it with a measure of humility, so that if God is listening this is how it is and if He wants to give me some more that is fine, but I will not be irrational or petty or just plain proud about the things I want. So the list was made, some tie into others and some just plain stand out on their own.

In my entire life I have never quite limited myself with a list. Surely there are some things that attract me to some men and to some jobs but I haven't categorized them as a preference or a necessity or just me being superficial. So I decided to write them down. God did say we should be specific with our prayers.

What I had meant to say yesterday

Apparently, my horoscope for this week condones day dreaming. So here we go.

I don't understand the fickle nature of music consumers. One minute you are their favorite artist and the next they don't want anything to do with you. One minute, you are on top of the charts and no one can touch you, and the next, you release a CD and it doesn't make news at all. It's like farting in the wind. I was listening to Ja Rule and Ashanti this morning on the radio on my way to work, and I distinctly remember when he was the top dog, everything he did or put his groggy voice too was gold, No. 1 single. He must have been living large then, now, I hear he does Bar-Mitzvahs and wedding gigs. So sad. And Ashanti's fame level is pretty much the same. Now, it's all about Ciara. No one even books for those Maybelline launches. That's just sad.

Words from my desk at work

The best time to love an artist is when they are on their way up and when after having peaked either too soon, or way too much they have now reached their demise and are trying to revive their career by rekindling the religion they started way back when, and then there you are one of the few. Years ago, I tried to get *Nsync tickets from Ticketmaster. They sold out in about an hour. I tried other states and it was pretty much the same thing. I sometimes wonder if they were to get back together now, can they sell out as fast and even though I know the answer to that question is No, how small or big will the arena be, will they play an intimate club show, and have time to do nice, personal, very friendly meet-and-greets after the show. That's the best kind of show for a fan of the music (even of the person) and only a star begging for a rise and or slowly hitting their demise will be smart enough or can afford to do something like that. Everything else in between, at their career peak, will be impossible. They wouldn't be foolish enough to attempt to play a small arena (not much money will be made and not many fans will be satisfied because how many of them can fit in) and they won't be humble enough to even try to. After all, who's nice when they're famous, they all develop this big egos and only Dome-like arenas would be big enough to fit them and their egos. And you all know how possessive I get when I am a true fan of someone's I just don't enjoy sitting in that arena with way too many teenagers. The surprising thing is that BSB still sold out their show, and even though I logged in within minutes of the show going on sale I still garnered crappy seats, so there are still fans who want to go to the shows, but hate to buy their CD's.

Weekend Summary

Yesterday I couldn't concentrate while I read.

 

It was a mixture of thoughts, that had to do with me, my work week, my financials, impossible dreams, and one of them starts with a G, though I don't know why my mind was preoccupied when I could have been reading. But it was not a progressive morning study period. And yet I sacrifice working out to study, but the study session is almost quite not as smooth as it needs to be. I am starting to wonder what I am doing, and why I am doing it. But I digress. I can only hope it's going to be a good week. 

I woke up early today, maybe my mind wanted me to cover up the study I missed the previous night, but that was to no avail, this time I spent it surfing the web, etc. And then, I had one of the most boring Sundays I have had in a long time. I have a big screen HDTV flat screen with satellite hookup, yet I watch Superbowl alone, if at all. And how was your weekend? 

Dear Lord, let it be a good week. Last week was not so good, I can only hope this week is better. I want to stay focused in all aspects, spiritually and emotionally. I just need to stay focused, and determined to make the most of my life, of my empty days, to have some kind of direction. 

Amen.

Happy Birthday to Gavin!

Happy Birthday to Gavin!



Here's hoping he's staring at a Maple Leaf somewhere, wondering when the fuck we all lost touch, and why we did and how his music can help us get it back. Normally I would post something nice and poetic, and I swear I had something like that planned in my head days ago except, I am knackered, a little disappointed in the day and just plain bored. But I didn't want the day to end without saying, if music is what connects us to people that we've never met or will ever meet, it's like touching someone in this empty space and it connects and fills the void, in some brief moments it's almost as if the right song plays and life almost makes sense in that brief moment. I don't know what I am saying, I am just going to go stare at some leaf, since there is no maple leaf around me, and hope that one day this won't be just a pipe dream and someday this will make sense. But for now, Happy Birthday! Don't be ashamed to say you are 29 Bro, some of us are going to be 32, and it hurts, it almost like Ouch!

it's been a long time coming

This journal is long overdue for an update. I should have done an update but I have been out of focus on everything, what I have been up to beats me. Spending money that I don't have and that I am not sure I will have. Work is not really working out, I am almost afraid to say. There's an indescribable feeling of unrest or something that's building up that I am sure it's just not my intuition, it's a lot more. But hopefully I have turned to some crazy schizo Russell Crowe-Beautiful-Mind-type person and all this is just my warped sense of imagination. Hopefully. I just can't shake it, I suppose. But Work troubles me. More so because I am coming to the one year anniversary of something that felt this way and eventually played out this way. So I don't want to dismiss my feelings so soon.

The horoscope says:
February 2, 2006
Truth is being withheld from you and there is nothing that you hate more than not knowing the truth. Situations could get ugly in the workplace today so be prepared to go into battle with your head held high. A great deal is at stake so be careful.

So it's not just me, the horoscope concurs.

Gibberish from my desk!

I think I have gained tremendous weight in the past couple of days. From Monday I can hardly recognize myself in the mirror, it looks so large. I have been taking diet pills, the cheap kind, the appetite reducing kind, and I have cut alcohol from my diet. I gain weight when I don't expect to and I reduce when I don't expect that I would or should. I am doing everything but gnaw my arm off to stay awake today. Sometimes it gets so quiet here you can almost hear a pin drop and since you don't really have anything (rephrased as your role is not that major) it kinda leaves you wanting more in the office, as you fight with boredom. I was watching a very old 2003 AOL session of Gavin's last night, so young and the music so bland, no pizzazz, and so much immaturity. It was bad just listening to it. So he hasn't always come out looking good, he had to work at it. The typing helps. So thanks.



There's this attorney in my office that thinks he is the IT guy. He has a problem with saying Good Morning, he walks right by you in the morning and does not say a word. And even when your eyes meet his and you, out of the good kindness and courtesy in your heart, utter Good Morning, like a decent human being, he does not respond, not even with a nod. How uncouth is that. How ungentlemanly. I was telling my coworker that I would hate to be his girlfriend who wakes up to find out that the man she spent the night with, (her first night because after a couple of nights with him, you'll tend to notice that this is not good morning kinda guy) and he does not utter a word to you. You'd be like, "Didn't I just spend the night with you? And now you're going to act like you don't know me." It is just insanely rude.



I better stop here since the Data Protection Act does not cover my emails sent at work.

ho-hum lifestyle

It's been a ho-hum time for me. I finally got to see Match Point this weekend. I don't know if overrated is quite the word to describe it, but it's one of the most enjoyable Woody Allen movies, but not quite a stretch in anything else.

Dear God help me, it's one month down and I haven't opened a single book. It would get worse in the summer, reading in the summertime is almost impossible, so if I can't study in the winter then, when can I? Instead I have been overindulging-food, no wine (I am trying to give up alcohol) and clothes. I have been on a shopping stint, that's endless. every day I say today is the day I won't buy clothes that seem like they fit so well on the mannequin but look awful on me. Every day I say that but then, I can't resist the sale. Ho-hum lifestyle continues. It's like I am trying to fill a void.

What else have I been up to? I signed up on myspace.com. I don't know if I will continue to update it, it's mainly a means of reaching out to some musical acts that I really like. As far as meeting people is concerned I don't know, meeting people on the web always kinda freaks me out.

You can tell there is no point to this post. Last week I wanted to do a Sunday post, but then, I got caught up listening to some Gavin interviews online and then, time flew by and that was it, no blog for that evening. I just love his interviews, there's so much of an honesty to it that just fascinates me. Plus I have been finding him very sexy lately, the tight jeans and the Useless t-shirts have not been helping. Oh, I thank God for my imagination, that's all I can say.

Dear God help me to read, stay focused, help me to solve the problems that have followed (plagued) me year after year, day after day, I just want to leave them alone and move on. Is that possible? Please dear God. To a truly blessed week. Amen

Nothing important

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me No, said No to my resume or just plain said No to my advances, or to any other request of mine, I'd be rich.

Sometimes the Yes's are so few and far between that you tend to forget if you've ever heard Yes. Or sometimes I think the people who said Yes, were probably mistaking me for someone else and said Yes, without meaning to. Because of that I have somewhat built this negative repertoire around me, where I am seeped in negativity and pessimism. It's part of the expectations of rejection or failure, or the brick wall, so much so that when it's removed I fall hard. I glanced the object of my affection, hos xmas pictures holding his wife. You could tell he loves her dearly and she loves him just as much. They looked good together and i looked foolish for ever thinking, or considering what could be, just like I have always been, foolish me considers a future with impossible you. How foolish, this must all sound.

Is today going to be a swift good day or is it going to drag out? I am not quite sure. All I know is it's 9.30 and I am exhausted and I got here before everybody else in this office since everybody and their uncle decided to get here when they damn well pleased. I don't know why I do this considering that I didn't get good points for my punctuation. I just do that because I can. It's part of my culture to be prompt and polite, and warm (at times) and sweet, and just generally everything else that's good that I hardly find in anybody else.

Date time

Of late, I have been buying going out clothes. When I say "going-out" I mean "going out on a date" clothes. It's sad because I haven't been on a date in forever, so I really don't know why I am wasting precious money on those clothes. The only reason I got spurred on this is the Xmas shopping, sometimes you see an outfit and it is not fitting for work, and it is good for church but maybe a little too sexy for that as well, and when you try it on, you look so damn fine in it, that the first thing I think of is, this is the outfit I'll wear when he asks me out, like a second date outfit. I don't know what's wrong with me. The last time I got asked out on something remotely resembling a date was when a friend of a friend asked me to meet him at a night club. I know -remotely resembling a date.

On the other hand I save the receipt for these purchases so that when they gather enough dust in the closet and still no date has occurred, I just go on ahead and return them and know that at least I tried.

So what happened last night

I feel like I woke up in someone else's skin today. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Like a rip-apart-my-whole-body, nothing-seems-to-fit, my-face-doesn't-look like-me feeling. I didn't sleep well at all. I couldn't get to fall asleep when I needed to and when I did I suddenly woke up with the sheets over me (they weren't when I went to bed) in a cold sweat. And in my sleep I gained so much because I feel so bloated, my thighs do not want to give in and I feel like my clothes fit ever so horridly on me. I also had a very bizarre Eminem dream which was bizarre for one of the reasons being I am not a fan, and the other is that we were both assassins in the dream. Sex followed, but I don't want to elaborate.

Is this a good week or a bad week, I can't tell at this point.

Fuck you 2006!

Aaargh! Fuck you 2006! This is going to be a good fucking year whether you like it or not. Good bleeding fucking awesome year.

Needless to say, first day back at work was iffy. Performance review was even ickier. I was not aiming for rave reviews. Let's just say it's the movie of my life and the reviews are given by me, and not the critics. I do listen to reviews, but let's just say they don't determine how the play is written. However, I didn't expect that he would flat out lie about what I should do, what I have been doing, and what my work is like. I just knew it wouldn't have been rave reviews. That would be too easy. And we don't do easy now, do we?

Every time I see my books, I feel like this is a labor of love. I am wasting my money, wasting my time and just hoping for nothing.

But that would have been too easy. Great things don't come from easy.

Aaaargh! I am really trying not to cry. Where's my Chariot when I need it.

She cut your hair and every breath was an Hallelujah

I just got back from Atlantic Station. Every time I go there I feel like a worm in a big hole. It builds an indescribable feeling of unease. The place is beautiful and serene that's why I like going up there, but surrounding it are all these perfectly coupled young people. They look so together and so happy and then, there's little ole me from the suburbs walking alongside, the very fine looking men accompanying their women as they shop, or the very rich, suave young couple shopping for their furniture at West Elm, with the wife expecting their first baby. I just feel so uncomfortable, maybe my imagination creates this unease, or I feel somewhat inferior, or timid, in such bourgeoisie plastic settings.

I have determined that there are some things that make me sad, or put me in this pity party which I refuse to live in. So I am alone, and so I should learn to deal with it, and the sooner I deal with it the better for me, no point in feeling sorry for myself. That will not solve anything. And if there's this thing, be it a song, a situation, or a place that gets me into the pity party mode, I should most certainly avoid it.

Two things, I have realized start this in me.

One of them, is Atlantic Station (I haven't decided yet if I should stop going there) and the other is listening to Gavin's rendition of Hallelujah. That has got to be the most depressing song on this planet. It is so nicely done, but it is so fucking depressing, like "Fuck, I can't believe you just did that! Sang that beautiful fucking song, just when I thought I could forget about you. Fuck you, for making this hard." And I haven't determined yet if I should stop listening to it altogether.

The solution at times to this pity fest, is God and alcohol. Though they do not go together, in my mind and in my home, they often do.

2006

Happy New Year to Me!

Good Night and Lots of Good Luck!