Some Things Have to Give

I am so knackered now and I still feel like having another glass of wine after having three at dinner just three hours ago. 

It's been a restful ho-hum weekend. 

Went to see the Adam Sandler movie; first time ever going to see an Adam Sandler movie in the theaters, yes, I am so not a fan of his dorky looks. But this was fun, good, it cheered my mum up some every time the drag queens came out. Hilarious. All the time throughout the movie I kept thinking of a few things: Keanu, what happened to my movie making dream, and then of course, my forthcoming exams. Thoughts of turning 31 in a week (Ouch!) didn't quite go down well, now you know why I need another glass of wine. Gotta go, I need it, really.

Hopefully I won't be too drunk waking up tomorrow. 

Dear God let this be a safe productive Me week. I beg of you. I know I may not be in your good books right now, but I want love lots of it, the obsessive kind, the I can't do without you, if you ever broke me heart kind, for once I would like to pray that I find love and get it by the time the next birthday rolls around. Is that okay? Gosh, you'll have me turning 50 soon and I'll still be praying for love. 

But for now, let me just get through this week, 

In Jesus name, Amen.

so I said

So I said to myself, I shall read tonight, but somehow I often manage to have these empty days where I do not read. It is much harder than I thought. Today I left work with an urge to shop, just shop, I have had that urge since last week. I have completely re-arranged my wardrobe from winter to summer but it still feels empty but yet all my clothes occupy two closets and two large dressers, yet I still feel the need to shop in the middle of the day instead of reading. I need to be flogged or the exam needs to flog me.

So I keep thinking about certain random things:

What exactly was the Enron scandal all about?

Keanu has a new girlfriend, that is much younger and skinnier than I imagined his next conquest would be? Something about this one troubles me, like this might be the one...I know I am exaggerating, I should be bold and cut my losses.

What is up with Tom Cruise? Seriously?

What makes us keep secrets and at which point do we give it in?

Why are Angelina and Brad just pretending, when will the truth come out about how they really feel? What if they've never had sex, what if no one really cared?

What would it be like if I ever got to interview him? What would I say, would I let him know about my stories, the obsession log book, do I want anyone to know about them? How would the interview go? Would my heart stop beating in between?

I just keep having these random thoughts, while I drive, while I sit in my car, while I study, while I am me, Anita in the real world, I keep thinking about Anita in the imaginative world and what life would have been like?

to take you more seriously

I made out some time today for me to actually do some work online. I haven't done that in such a long time. I don't know why, I have just been wrapped up in me, in reading, studying for my exam, and watching TV, as I try to decompress, that I haven't really done much else.

How are you? I ask. I am trying to sieve through my poetry for the best kind to put up in my cubicle. every one I seem to stumble upon seems so personal, so filled with subliminal subtext, you know when you work with people you don't want them to experience that other side of you, the one that's filled with the subliminal undercurrent subtext. You just want to be Anita, that does a good job (I wish) and stays that way. Not, someone who has a deep longing for the imaginary lust of KR, and all other stupid things that fill my head when I am by myself. So that is it.

I would like to say that I have more to say but I really don't. I think I am wearing Jay out. I knew we wouldn't be up to the whole long distance thing, I have sometime in the past, but then, this is Jay we are talking about, he has a long line of 3 week relationships. And this is me, I am sure there is something about my situation that would want to make someone run, a single lady of prime age, seeking husband material, for all those who are not husband material they would just want to run from me, not run to me. I am not surprised or disappointed, I am disappointed in other things, which don't really have anything to do with Jay, but I am not surprised at all. Thank goodness, I didnt sleep with him! *gaggles*

Okay, in other news, work is okay. I don't want to talk about that too much. But I decided this is where I want to lay my hat so much so that I am actually picking up stuff to decorate my cube with. this is unlike me. I had a whole office, and I didn't put a stitch of personal stuff on the wall, cos I just didn't like the bleeding place, But this one, yes, at least until any employment law position opens up. I lie, this is the one.


I pray for a productive and prosperous week. I pray that my mother has a wonderful birthday. God please bless her and keep her in good health. I pray that Lord protects me from myself and every other sin that is before me this week. These and many more I ask of you, Dear Lord. Amen.

another week awaits

I didn't have huge expectations for last week and somehow it just blew me away. There were quite a few downers and mmoments when I slipped up, and most of all I didn't read. But the best thing of all, is that I got good news, not once but twice and it felt so good. Thank you God! I didn't scream from the rooftop like I promised I would but I am getting there. It just felt so good to have love, friendship, hear myself laugh, and to be brave for the road ahead.

I just mainly want to say thank you...for my life. For all the blessings I have and I am not aware of. For the goodness in my life, for me achieving so much in such a short time, with the five bread and two fish you gave me. I just wanted to say thank you for all of that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart dear Lord, thank you Jesus Christ. Amen.

what do you know?

A guy friend of mine came by to spend a couple of days with me. He drove from Memphis to Atlanta to see me, and we are not dating, in fact I had only met him once and that was that, he just had a few days off work and decided to come spend time with me. Hmm...this sounded better in my head before I decided to write it down.

Let's start again.

I met this guy, about a year ago. We had worked together. He had a few days off before his new job (and so did I) so he decided to come see me. We didn't discuss where he would stay, and since my apartment is pretty big, I offered that he would stay with me. He spent two nights here, we went out everywhere. To the movies--we saw Crash, wow that was intense--to a winefest in Helen, earlier today, and to dinner a couple of times. It was great, wild and great. But no sex. Almost sex, at the tail end, but nope, no sex.

Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I just feel that if you have a good friendship with someone, something that's real good, sex just comes in to ruin it. For one he gets to see you naked, and the other, both of you are in this vulnerable position. No one wants to be in that position unless they have to be. And I just told him, "hey I don't want to lose you as a friend. I don't want either of us to wake up tomorrow and ask ourselves why did we do it, and what was it for. I know you and we have fun together, so it's not worth it."

Telling this to someone who drove millions of miles to come see you is not exactly fun or easy. It just feels like you are crushing him, and I felt bad that I was crushing him. But that is that. I just had to. I have my principles and for once they overpowered my passion and lust.

I've just been believing in my own Shelia and Keanu bullshit for too long.

I'll be fine.

The good news is, I have a friend and I got my first houseguest, so things are looking up.

A May 1st Prayer...

What do we say on a day like this?

May 1st...

Lord help me. I want life to work so much. I am so lonely in a different sort of way. This is the last month of my 30th year and it's been one of my hardest. Second to my 20th and most of all my 18th. Those were some hard years right there. The early twenties were so flighty and flirty. This 30th one. It's all so hard. I want life to work. Can it please, be nice and flirty and fun and vivacious and filled with accomplishments? Can it please?

Lord help me. Please.