You cannot believe the stupidity of the conversation I was having with this girl at work. It is just one of those things, I know I am gonna regret some day, some day soon if I know this girl.

We were talking about this guy that I like which I am not so sure I like anymore. He still finds it fit to ignore me and I just go along with it like it's not a big deal until she started up this conversation about his physique. She mentioned how his head was so big in comparison to his narrow hips, really narrow hips. And then I concurred, because me noticing him so much as I have had noticed too.

Then, I said, "I hope his dick is big for his own good." She laughed girlishly, threw her hands in the air and laughed obviously tickled by my upfrontness.

I was like, "Yeah, most times brothers with tiny hips end up having big dicks...but these are brothas, I am not sure about white folks though." I emphasized my point by telling her another delightful narrative about my past exploit with one and how I had beamed with joy in bed when at the nick of time I discovered that the brotha was indeed truly blessed. She also found this bit of news very amusing nonetheless.

So this is where the regret comes in. I don't regret ogling about the size of what was in this boys panties, we all do that sometimes way too loudly for our own good. I regret the next part of our conversation. She said that she would ask him how big his dick is. I told her he would probably lie about it, and him being the pompous guy I noticed that he was he would elaborate on it, and go on to tell everybody at work the subject of my girlie discussion. She said she didn't care. She would, that if I wasn't then she would.

So after work, I am sitting right next to him and she comes up to me and whispers if I've asked him yet. I shake my head appalled that she would think I would ask him such a thing. Then, I say, sheerly out of stupidity and trust me he had left when I said this, "I wanna ask him out though." Murmuring half of it to myself.

And she shrieks, an excited one this 18 year old was. She said, she would do it for me. I blatantly beg her not to. And she says, "I will," smirking to herself.

I reply, "Nope, you know no one likes me here, if the news should leak out, I'll be the laughing stock of the entire place."

She pays me no mind.

Why in the world did I tell her this, I wonder.

This ends my petty squabble in girl talk, all other girlish conversations shall be resevred for my diary.

My Crush, Where Art Thou

I am so in the mood for some hugging, cuddling and just some general soft affection shyly devoid of the raw diggity sex right now.

Yes, I am a woman after all and I do have moments when I just want some real genuine affection being tossed down my way. I spent the whole of last night dreaming about a wedding of all people, Cameron Diaz. I think it was the entry I put on here that had her name on it that got me thinking about her. I dreamt there was this wedding that she was having that she invited only me to, and me being the dork didn't have anything to wear or how to get there. Then, my sister offered to loan me this ridiculous red dress of hers if she and her family though they do not know Cameron or any of her family, can come along just for kicks. So I had to agree, it was either that or this pink dress I had which wasn't half -bad it just didn't look as sophisticated as I would have liked to be. The worst part about it was, Cameron wanted me to be there, even if it meant being in my jeans, she just wanted me to be a part of her big day.

Why am I dreaming of weddings at a time like this? What is this dream supposed to mean?

There was this guy at work, that is semi-cute but I am like 10 years older than he is. At first he paid me so much attention, so much that it shocked me. Well, he was new so I don't know maybe he thought I was nice or cute or different, maybe before he heard I am the official bitch down there. The attention was rather bizarre, he used to want me to sit and eat with him and all, pull my hair, just petty things that no one pays to mind, and I didn't stupidly at the time. I guess maybe someone told him how old I was and he just sorta said a big NO to me and now that I am the one giving him advances--like my sister hinted, his young age shouldn't be a problem--he is so outta me right now. He doesn't as much as say HI. Yep! it's that bad. I don't know, I've totally lost my touch as to what to do with these things. What should I do, what can I do? Why should I even want to do anything?

I have bigger problems, bigger fish to fry, but it's just that initial attention he paid to me that's got me "bugging" as they say, and I just wanna know where did the touch go? I am just happy he fell out of it before we (as in I) did anything stupid, you know.

So far today. NO drama. Yesterday went by without one. And hopefully today will sail right by with its other cohort. Don't you wish every week, every single day of our lives was like this? DRAMA-LESS. I do.

So far, today has gone by sufficiently without any element of drama whatsoever, both at work and at home. But I hope I am not jinxing it. Perhaps why I am rejoicing now, even though the day isn't over yet is because, well, the drama usually occurs early. It has occurred early for the past 2 weeks. After work went by without any fickles or hassles, I just got in my car and said, "Thank God,I can do without the drama now, can't I?"

Yes, I can.

This is turning out to be one of those weeks where you don't seem to know if you're coming or going or just going along for the ride, and if it is what kind of journey is it.

I found myself doing a little bitter thinking on Friday. I remembered some of the people I went to school with, I thought about how some of them have advanced into becoming managers and mothers and women in their own right. I don't command the respect that is worthy of someone my age. I realized that while working with the morons I work with. They are not driven to giving me respect that is due to someone my age, and most times I am forced to reciting my age under my breath just to get some of them to back off my case. I often wonder don't I look like someone my age, should I dress or act older, how are older people supposed to act, like Cameron Diaz or Angelina Jolie, a cross between them?

Perhaps if I were in a suit working for some Law firm, or just some Corporate job that is surely worthy of some clout than the job I have, then only then would I be accorded the respect due to me. Right now, I keep praying and asking, and wondering, was there some price I neglected to pay to make it neccessary for me to live this life I am faced with? Did I wrong someone in my other life? Was there someone I stepped on that cursed me out and my future is left to turmoil?

The week was rough for me, no doubt from the way I sound. The worst thing, one of the most dreaded things I had ever imagined happened to me, and Lord, it wasn't easy to get through it. I just had to brace myself and suck it in. I don't want to go out that way again. I am still recovering from the name-calling at my other job, and regretting the way I left it. I want to leave on my own terms, simply because I have found somehting worthy, that represents my age, my status (which isn't much right now) and just my qualification, the suit wearing job or the job that lured me into coming into this country in the first place, that kinda job. I don't want to be forcefully withdrawn. Not this way, not right now.

I hope this week yields light where the other week blocked it off. I am praying that as I struggle day by day, one of these days would be my happy time, my redemption time, the day that the Lord shall remember me, and forgive me for whatever transgression I may have done in my other life, and lifts me up as a testimony to His people far and wide.

AMEN.

another weekend, only this time I don't have fun things planned. I am tired, a little drawn in and a tad bit depressed.

I wish my creative senses could unravel something good for me to do this time just like my horoscope predicted but i guess I may just have to fight with these feelings and several more that may crop up along the way.

Not looking forward to Monday I can tell you that.

This is Fun Day

I did a couple of fun things this weekend. Fun as in my kind of fun, it could have been ultimate kind of fun but overall I thank God and shall rate this weekend's enjoyment a 7 out of a 10.

On Friday, I worked till about 10pm and came home exhausted, so there went my Friday night enjoyment. I would have been very mad like I always am when my plans are dashed, but I just love to work some of the time now. It keeps my mind off thinking, and soliloquizing and feeling restricted which I seem to be preoccupied with once there is a moment's stillness.

I had earlier planned on seeing The Bourne Identity immediately after work on Friday. Taking myself out to a late dinner and then off to the movie, but then work came up so I had to shift the movie to the next day...which I did. It was fantastic. It was the kind of action I had wished Tobey Maguire had done in Spiderman, but I guess superheroes don't throw punches that swift and sexy.

On Sunday, I caught a late flick at the dollar theater, which seems to be my favourite pastime this time around. Last week, I caught Angelina Jolie in Life or Something Like It which was so amazing I wondered why I hadn't seen it earlier. Then, yesterday I saw Murder By Numbers and thanked God I hadn't seen it earlier. Some movies are best caught at 99cents than at $8, trust me.

The ingredient that made this weekend so much fun for me was the fact that I was able to grab as much "me" time as possible to keep me entertained and quiet. For weeks now, I had noticed that I had considerably stopped consuming all the niceties which made me who I am: The Internet, building my website, writing, my online journal, reading my magazine subscriptions, watching movies on TV, and just a general complexity of my being had been dashed in exchange for dining out, enjoying food made by others, and of course the occasional late flick at the dollar theater. These are all well and good but my intellectual self is being compromised for a free form of enjoyment and it just gets me asking inside that is this the formal demise of my brain?

Anyway, to top off the weekend, on Sunday evening, while I was gorging some ice cream by myself outside our local Brusters, a cute boy of about 3 or so years old, remarked that I was a cool lady. His mum inquired as to what made me cool or was he just trying to get fresh with me. 

He replied, "She's cool (in) that she's very pretty."

I smirked and replied to the lovely young man whom I think has very good taste, "Thank you. Thank you very much."

I hope the week has a lot of "cool" things in store for me too.

This morning, I woke up and cracked my Jill Scott CD that was my favourite from this time last year, and the good memories it revived in me just made me seem so much cooler.

What is the ideology behind a dream where you're naked. I know there is supposed to be some kind of psychological impact about it, but I can't remember what it is. I dreamt I was starkers last night and I was so comfortable with it, which is rare because I can never be comfy with it in reality, and the funny thing is, my body was beautiful.

I haven't been doing anything out of what I normally do these days. I don't read my emails, I don't watch TV except for maybe some World Cup matches, even then, I don't watch that many, normally I would watch every single match, this time I just leaf through 'em. And I haven't been reading my emails, weblogging, or writing in general, talk less of reading.

I have just been working, working, and shopping, and a lot of eating out. I shop, work, drive to my other job, and then I eat out...not in this order but something like this. I haven't even been doing any housework, my room is filthy and my bathroom has green stains on it.

This must be a sign that I am running away from something, or avoiding the reality in something, in home life perhaps.

In between my hullabaloo schedule, I pray, I mutter words of prayer, hope and consolation to myself to sort of gear me on to thus work even harder, to maintain my sanity and to keep the faith that all things will condescend from their higher plane into the helpless palm of my hand. Some days it works, some days...I just glide through it and hope that it would happen. Most times, it doesn't. But I still maintain the horrid schedule for which my mind is now accustomed to.

Perhaps that explains my naked dream.

PS: I want...in addition to the shopping frenzy...to get some CD's: Vanessa Carlton, which I should have gotten long time ago, and Norah Jones. And a very old Nsync CD!

Shopping is now my fave pastime. I feel like these are the last days of my life (sad but true) so there really is no point to saving my money but instead I should be spending the money. Making it just to spend, living it up, not to end it.

Does this explain the naked dream?

I want to share a couple of words of wisdom I gathered about aging, aging gracefully form IN Style this month's issue that helped me grapple some sense to this whole getting older thing.

"Your 20's is a time to discover who you want to be in this world, and to do that you have to let go of the past."

"Fear stands for "false evidence appearing real. Think about that everytime you doubt yourself."

What you should look forward to in your 20's is being a mother and having a family, but now is for being with yourself, learning to love yourself, friends and family.

Try to keep a broad smile handy always in this world that can be very trying at times.

There's nothing you can be that is better than yourself. Copying anybody else, no matter how great they are will only make you second best.

On aging:
Be excited to beccome more aware of who you are. Keep surprising yourself, like a fine wine, keep getting better, and better.
It's not about a number. Age is largely what goes on in your head/ What matters most is what you do with your life.


And in my case, it isn't much, but I am still hoping more is to come.

Well, the birthday came and went.

I am now officially 28. Though for the past 3 months I had already been 28 in my head but noq it is official. The days preceding to it were more fun than the actual day. I had a chance to take my mum out, say goodbye to Kaui and spend some time with my new friend at work, Tsega. The day itself went by without any highs or lows. It kinda loses its thrills as the year goes by. That miraculous thing you long for doesn't automatically materialize on your birthday no matter how many candles and birthday wishes you made before then. It would come sometime after quite unceremoniously. The important thing is that you don't lose your mind, like me when I am getting older....and I didn't, I just eased into it nicely.

When I woke up I put on my Jill Scott and took a shower. My mum came into my room singing birthday songs with my nieces urging to know how old i was. I walked downstairs about an hour later to open my presents. My sister and her husband got me a pair of linen pants and a white shirt which I actually liked. My nieces got me a scented candle and a sweet card on which my little niece scribbled her own interpretation of I LOVE YOU.

On my way to work I stopped by at MCD, and had the deluxe big breakfast, I don't know why it is not one of my favourite breakfast meals, my favourite is at Chick-fil-A which I couldn't get to because I so didn't want to be late for work on that day of all days.

Work was stress-free, thank goodness. Being that it was Nadia and I's birthday, the people at work decided to make a fuss about it, they got us a cake, with Nadia and Anita on it, and sang the birthday song. The cake was heavenly and I felt like a queen for a day. A little later, Tsega walked in and suprised me with a present, I didn't think she would, I thought she would just come by and say Happy bday, but it was sweet and kind of her.

I went home, which was the worst decision I ever made, and invited my family to go out with me, they said NO. They wanted me to save my money. For what I wonder when I turn 29 or what. This day happens once in a year. As they were still debating with the idea of coming along with me and where we could possibly go with the kids, it started to pour. It poured so hard that thunder and lightning accompanied it. I was devastated. I called June, and she wished me a happy birthday just before the phone cut off, and sat in my room for about an hour staring at the wall. I walked downstairs to check my email messages hoping there would be some happy bday cheer from my friends internationally, and there was only one from my brother.

I went back upstairs and shared some alcohol smothies with my family, chatted, laughed and goofed up whilst taking some pictures and retreated to my room to watch the most hilarious MTV movie awards ever.

And that was my day.

I did warn you that it was quite quaint.

They say it's supposed to be good luck when it pours on your birthday. I guess it sorta is, ever since I've known it, it's poured on mine. From my very 1st one, according to my mum, it's poured. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that the blessings of God would pour on this year just as the skies came down on that day.

Amen.

Here we go with another near accurate horoscope.
GEMINI
You'll be feeling fairly magnetic and charismatic, and you should be able to get away with almost anything you want right now. Just try to put all this positive energy to some constructive use. You might be feeling so good that you'll just want to relax and enjoy yourself, but you really ought to use this time to start making some progress.

Your luck this week:
Love-A, Money-C, Work-B*
Signs to seek-Aries, Aquarius
Signs to avoid-Pisces, Sagittarius

I somehow believe this one because:

a) I am already broke from buying all kinds of stuff for my car. At least it doesn't stink of stale cigarettes anymore.
b) The work deal I kinda had in mind just did not work out one bit. And I don't have any other bright ideas up my sleeve, I often do, but this time I am well outta luck.

However in contradiction to it are these:
a) I do not feel I can convince anybody of anything. Because just one look at me and the lady at the other Chili's decided she didn't have any space for me, just by magic all her space just suddenly filled up.

b) Kaui is leaving this week, how can I feel loved? I need love, hnis love, some kinda love. It's my birthday in 48 hours, I need some kinda love dammnit!

Alas! I shall hold out my thoughts until the end of the week to see what happens.

Here's just in case, I forgot to mention it, but:

Kaui is leaving my establishment.

Yes, it shall no longer be the Kaui establishment anymore. Just an establishment for which Kaui was once the spice that scintillated it for me. Immediately he broke the bad news to me about his trnasfer to nother branch, I just felt like my work there was done. I really shouldn't be there without him there. It makes no sense. He is MY FRIEND. I feel like the right arm that anchored me onto the ledge at all times in there is being broken off. I know this may sound petty and childish but he has always been the only one I can be sure that when I get into work I can have fun with, laugh, play, let loose and just lay back with (in the horizontal position of course, so that we don't get all confused here)

I wish I would get to work with him again, or someone as nearly as nice, understanding and just friendly as he is. All I could say on the phone was:

"I will miss you. We've been through a lot together (he laughs in agreement) Imagine that. I'll try and speak to you before you leave."

I tried everything to keep from crying even now when I think about it, I never really had a chance to say thanks, and just hey, thanks for being my friend.

But does this mean I can ask him out now, since he's no longer my boss? Let's forget the fact that he is engaged for a split second okay.

Lifetime Memories are Created in this Place

I thought of writing in something today.

You know since this is a new month and days from my birthday, I might as well just put in something so you all can be sure of my state of mind before, after and during the "event."

We got in from Orlando A-Okay. I am so glad my mum came with us. I don't know why, she just provided the comic relief and cushion for all the spats that might have been, had she not intervened with some words of wisdom. I can't remember anything specific about Orlando or Kissimmee which was exactly where we stayed to make it memorable. And the Disney guide went telling us, "lifetime memories are created in this place." I did take a picture with Ariel the mermaid though, and my sister and I took one with Mickey. Asides from that everything was quite like a normal theme park except the rides had an extra longer line.

I just got back from church with my mum. It feels so eerie like being at home that I am frightened that something bad will happen to take my good feeling away. But the sermon today was on fear. Admitting your fear and activating your faith to combat it. I am most afraid of losing - losing a good thing not holding onto to it longest and just losing the stability of my life as the wheels turn around past the good bits. But putting on the breast plate of God, I know that I am going to be alright...no matter what.

And the Sunday continues...