As a personal tradition on New Years Eve, I watch "About Last night" with Demie Moore and Rob Lowe. It's about this couple who have a one night stand and then, it leads to them moving in together, without knowing why, and then, they go through this tumultous year, through the holidays, including New Years as a first time couple. Thet actually find it hard to stay in on New Years Eve. Because they met in such an unusual circumstance they find it hard to define what they have, is it love, just sex, companionship, and now that they live together, they feel cramped, as if they can't live or enjoy their seperate lives. I like the intense dramatic aspect of it, and at the core of it is a love story.
Something about it just makes me feel good, to be a writer, a woman, and to hopefully be in love like that someday, not knowing why.
"To you, to me, to us, and to a Happy New Year."
Friday, December 31, 2004
end of year entertainment update
Two of the musicians I am glad I grasped onto this year are Gavin DeGraw and Maroon 5.
Most of the time, I am strictly R and B, but the r and b circuit, dominated by big-headed Usher, doesn't seem to be imaginative lately, as in imaginative music, it's just put through the same producers, the same type of sound, no one wants to make music, they want to make hype. And then, I took a chance on an 8.99 CD, of a musician called Gavin DeGraw, and it just kinda took over my CD player in the car. Normally, this type of music is classified under "white people" music. No offense, that's just what it is, even when I listen to it with my friends, they wonder, who are these "white people" musicians you are listening to. I tried and tried not to get into Maroon 5, and it wasn't the first single, Harder to Breathe that was played to death by VH1, under "artists to watch" and it was not the second one, "This Love" that was loved and then hated, once my radio station put it on some kind of constant spin. It was not the sexy video for "She will be Loved". It was the 4th single, "Sunday Morning" and hearing it at the American Music Awards, it was that and the rest is history. I just fell into it. I got their acoustic EP, which rocked, that guy sounds awesome over acoustic guitar, he actually has a lot of soul too (for a white man)and it didn't hurt that he looked so intense, like an intense younger version of Keanu.
I am glad I got into their music. It reminds me of my BSB days, except this time I am a little older and wiser and I know why I appreciate music and what good music is supposed to sound like. Sometimes when I am sad, I think of some part of their music, Gavin says, "there's a meaning to the word, we are giving love," or Adam says, "Things just gets so crazy, Living life gets hard to do," and I think, you know what, it's gonna be alright, cos I am not the only one feeling this way.
There are also a few movies that I am glad I caught:
Closer, Spiderman 2, (yes, I know) House of Sand and Fog, 21 Grams, Dogville, The Barbarian Invasion, L'Auberge Espaniole, and some more. But sometimes, there's a bandwagon and you have to ask yourself why it is, if you look closely, it's because it's because something is undeniably good.
Most of the time, I am strictly R and B, but the r and b circuit, dominated by big-headed Usher, doesn't seem to be imaginative lately, as in imaginative music, it's just put through the same producers, the same type of sound, no one wants to make music, they want to make hype. And then, I took a chance on an 8.99 CD, of a musician called Gavin DeGraw, and it just kinda took over my CD player in the car. Normally, this type of music is classified under "white people" music. No offense, that's just what it is, even when I listen to it with my friends, they wonder, who are these "white people" musicians you are listening to. I tried and tried not to get into Maroon 5, and it wasn't the first single, Harder to Breathe that was played to death by VH1, under "artists to watch" and it was not the second one, "This Love" that was loved and then hated, once my radio station put it on some kind of constant spin. It was not the sexy video for "She will be Loved". It was the 4th single, "Sunday Morning" and hearing it at the American Music Awards, it was that and the rest is history. I just fell into it. I got their acoustic EP, which rocked, that guy sounds awesome over acoustic guitar, he actually has a lot of soul too (for a white man)and it didn't hurt that he looked so intense, like an intense younger version of Keanu.
I am glad I got into their music. It reminds me of my BSB days, except this time I am a little older and wiser and I know why I appreciate music and what good music is supposed to sound like. Sometimes when I am sad, I think of some part of their music, Gavin says, "there's a meaning to the word, we are giving love," or Adam says, "Things just gets so crazy, Living life gets hard to do," and I think, you know what, it's gonna be alright, cos I am not the only one feeling this way.
There are also a few movies that I am glad I caught:
Closer, Spiderman 2, (yes, I know) House of Sand and Fog, 21 Grams, Dogville, The Barbarian Invasion, L'Auberge Espaniole, and some more. But sometimes, there's a bandwagon and you have to ask yourself why it is, if you look closely, it's because it's because something is undeniably good.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
what is wrong?
I remember now, what I wanted to write about when I logged on last night. Sometimes, when I am quiet for even a second, I go into this mood, where I feel like crying, for no good reason at all. I just go from high to low, to deep in the gutter and I want to just start bawling. I have been shopping for myself more lately, I don't know why I feel retail therapy will help me, when my outstanding credit card debt is one of my looming problems. However, I was looking forward to hitting the stores after work last night, to get a feel of the after-Xmas sales. Truly, I couldn't think of anything else all day. It was like an event in my life. (So sad!) I did go to the mall, even though it ended up being very disappointing, the sales were really not that good, and my mood was made worse because they took a great share of my evening and didn't give it any good deals in return. I come home, hungry and rummaging through my freezer, I just sto in between and have this sudden urge to just bawl out. Why?
I was thinking of what my ideal career might be. One that came to mind is to write for TV. I wrote for a radio series about 4 years ago, and the training I obtained from that experience I inculcated into my Shelia series, and it remains one of the best jobs I have ever had. However, it would be nice to write for a TV show. It doesn't have to be something complex like CSI, or Alias, even though I know I could still kill in those ones; no comedy, I just do not have that many jokes stored in my brain. It could be some lame brain show, we don't know where exactly it is going show, like Las Vegas or Crossing Jordan, or even Sex and the City. Something that deals with people's lives, living it, achieving it, more realistic, and not so preachy, and cookie-cutter, as in make everyone beautiful, and live in a fancy apartment so much that the average Joe cannot relate. Even in my writing now, I mostly concentrate on dialigue, with little or no description of my envornment, etc, because I am not a novelist, I write screenplays.
I know in this kind of vocation you stand the risk of your show being canceled, but I am sure when it is canceled, you break out the drawing board and try, try so hard to think up some other original idea. I think I can really deal with that. It wouldn't have limited hours, it would be work at my leisture, or at the whim of my inspiration. I wouldn't have to answer to some lame-brained attorneys (geez, that would be a relief) and I would have some kind of control of my self, my hours, focus solely on my creativity. Till this day, whenever I long for this kind of job, I wonder why I bothered becoming a lawyer. I wanted to seem interesting, serious and professional. It sucks and any lame brain person with the right amount of training can do what I do now. I don't want that. It is a meaningless job.
I was thinking of what my ideal career might be. One that came to mind is to write for TV. I wrote for a radio series about 4 years ago, and the training I obtained from that experience I inculcated into my Shelia series, and it remains one of the best jobs I have ever had. However, it would be nice to write for a TV show. It doesn't have to be something complex like CSI, or Alias, even though I know I could still kill in those ones; no comedy, I just do not have that many jokes stored in my brain. It could be some lame brain show, we don't know where exactly it is going show, like Las Vegas or Crossing Jordan, or even Sex and the City. Something that deals with people's lives, living it, achieving it, more realistic, and not so preachy, and cookie-cutter, as in make everyone beautiful, and live in a fancy apartment so much that the average Joe cannot relate. Even in my writing now, I mostly concentrate on dialigue, with little or no description of my envornment, etc, because I am not a novelist, I write screenplays.
I know in this kind of vocation you stand the risk of your show being canceled, but I am sure when it is canceled, you break out the drawing board and try, try so hard to think up some other original idea. I think I can really deal with that. It wouldn't have limited hours, it would be work at my leisture, or at the whim of my inspiration. I wouldn't have to answer to some lame-brained attorneys (geez, that would be a relief) and I would have some kind of control of my self, my hours, focus solely on my creativity. Till this day, whenever I long for this kind of job, I wonder why I bothered becoming a lawyer. I wanted to seem interesting, serious and professional. It sucks and any lame brain person with the right amount of training can do what I do now. I don't want that. It is a meaningless job.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
when all is said and done
It is such a sad thing, going into Christmas and coming out of it so soon. I miss the holidays, the sights and sounds, having to hear Xmas music non-stop on the radio, the beauty of it, the joy and the anticpation of it. And when it is all said and done, it is just one day, 24 hours that are so eagerly awaited all through the year, tehy make us seem so happy and so sad when we leave it.
Nothing exceptional happened in mine, like it were supposed to. I had fun, and that was that. not crazy, I am really having fun today kinda fum, just, fun, as in this is a good way to spend the day kinda fun. I always wish for more, and never really get it. I got one card, and three presents. Which seems rather sad when you add up the numbers, but I've well surpassed my gift to myself, so it's fine.
I have to go, we'll talk later, promise.
Nothing exceptional happened in mine, like it were supposed to. I had fun, and that was that. not crazy, I am really having fun today kinda fum, just, fun, as in this is a good way to spend the day kinda fun. I always wish for more, and never really get it. I got one card, and three presents. Which seems rather sad when you add up the numbers, but I've well surpassed my gift to myself, so it's fine.
I have to go, we'll talk later, promise.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
well, another rewrite
Well, yet another rewrite on this unforgettable story. I don't know why I feel the need to do this at this time of year. My whole life is crashing, my books are going to arrive late in the New Year, even though I promised I would start reading on the 2nd of January. Work is work, so much crazy stupidity that I have devised the attitude that I will not make myself too comfortable in there. I don't have any single personal effect whatsoever, apart from my Stevie Wonder CD and that's it.
With any luck, I shall be wrapping my presents tonight, and buying the very last one tomorrow morning or tonight, depends on my mood.
How is my life these days? You can tell it's hazy when I keep obsessing about a darn story, as if some publisher is going to pass by my site, and say, good job, Anita. Fuck!
It is the season to be jolly, not sarcastic.
With any luck, I shall be wrapping my presents tonight, and buying the very last one tomorrow morning or tonight, depends on my mood.
How is my life these days? You can tell it's hazy when I keep obsessing about a darn story, as if some publisher is going to pass by my site, and say, good job, Anita. Fuck!
It is the season to be jolly, not sarcastic.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
No where near it
I had this strange urge to write over the weekend, after listening to Adam Levine non-stop for two weeks, I felt inspired by his voice, his music, and his talent, and I wondered why I didn't jump on this bandwagon all this time, and also the freakish way he reminds me of a slash between Keanu and someone I am sure I have dated. I am still trying to figure out who. It was hard to pick up and write since I have to start being scholarly now with myself. So I have to stifle my creativity just when I have finally found my spark, after all these months. And it was Adam that regenerated that. Something about that voice though, reminds you of something you've heard before and didn't really mind the first time around, like a cross between Stevie Wonder and Sting. Hmmm...this post is not about him, I promise.
Back to me:
So I wrote this story, which reads like all of my other stories. Deep, full of somber conversations about love, life, unrequited love, sappy love shit, nothing particularly new. I feel like inviting someone to read it so they can critique it for me, point out a few things I might have missed. I did the first rewrite yesterday, tempted to do the second one tonight, but I just will not. Let's just stop it there. The first draft works fine, until you tailor it too much and it reads like a manufactured story, like all those Hollywood scripts that have been through so many rewrites and out comes the slurge.
I like it a little, and thats all that matters. It doesn't do Adam justice, he is such a fresh faced young man, but I'll wait for some fresh thought to come to me.
Back to me:
So I wrote this story, which reads like all of my other stories. Deep, full of somber conversations about love, life, unrequited love, sappy love shit, nothing particularly new. I feel like inviting someone to read it so they can critique it for me, point out a few things I might have missed. I did the first rewrite yesterday, tempted to do the second one tonight, but I just will not. Let's just stop it there. The first draft works fine, until you tailor it too much and it reads like a manufactured story, like all those Hollywood scripts that have been through so many rewrites and out comes the slurge.
I like it a little, and thats all that matters. It doesn't do Adam justice, he is such a fresh faced young man, but I'll wait for some fresh thought to come to me.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
she needs to be loved, more like it
In other unrelated news, I have been feeling an urge to have sex. Not really sex per se, but making love.The Maroon 5 songs started this whole thing. Adam Levine the sordid guy that he is, or as he terms it, the "sexual dude" that he is, has so many sexual lyrics, they are not lewd lyrics like I wanna bump and grind you, they are more of the nature of: I wanna trace your body with my fingertips, keep you coming every night, serving sex with coffee, etc, type of lyrics, (if you are a fan you'll know what I am talking about) And it is made worse because he looks like someone I used to date, has all the qualities of men that I like to date, and have dated, (in another lifetime when I was a woman and worthy of being loved) and I am just so god-awful lonely right now.
To run away for a week and have copious amounts of sex would be a blast right now, a real blast. But is that going to happen, nope. nowhere near it. It is such a bad itch that I do not feel the need to jerk off. It is not that kind of, rough, spank me naked itch, just a sweet longing to be a part of something sweet and whole.I digress, I have other things to do except think about sex I won't have especially at Christmas.
To run away for a week and have copious amounts of sex would be a blast right now, a real blast. But is that going to happen, nope. nowhere near it. It is such a bad itch that I do not feel the need to jerk off. It is not that kind of, rough, spank me naked itch, just a sweet longing to be a part of something sweet and whole.I digress, I have other things to do except think about sex I won't have especially at Christmas.
Monday, December 13, 2004
rejection, aye!
It was a fruitless stupid weekend.
I got another rejection letter over the weekend. And this one, inasmuch as I was somewhat expecting and hoping not to get it, it just shattered me in ways you cannot comprehend. For one, I had just researched this law firm, just researched it in searching for courses for my LLM. And then, when I got the interview for it, I thought, stupidly and hopefully, that this was a sublime message from God, trying to give me what I had asked for. No, It was not, not suprising, right? Instead it was His way of punishing me yet again, emotionally and ruining my psyche, as in you can taste but you cannot touch, you are not good enough, there is some other perky, dumbass paralegal who He feels is more deserving of this job than my self. I don't know, why do I even bother, seriously. Why do I bother believing in faith, and signs, and hardwork pays, and strength and integrity in what you do, why do I bother?
I just felt hopeless and helpless all weekend. I haven't prayed ever since. This is not the most disappointing thing God has lead me through, but it is one of most devastating, mainly because, I thought we, as in me and Him were done wtih all that "test of Anita's fate" thing. He knows more than anyone else in this world how much I want this "career" thing to succeed. I don't know know why I grew up thinking I was special, I was destined to achieve great things, I was a little better and smarter than anyone else, and now, that I am supposed to achieve the "great and wondrous" things in my life, nothing seems to be. Even the mediocre life with husband and kids is a luxury for me.
I don't want to talk about this anymore. I spent all weekend, thinking, talking and just commiserating on this, and with each time, tears welled up in my eyes, and I became more and more distraught. I don't want to continue feeling that way, so hopefully I shall retrace into a state of denial and pretend that it didn't happen to me, that it happened to some other person, some other Anita, or an abbreviation of her. And maybe, the pain will seem misplaced and lost on someone else.
It just hurts you know, to always fail. To know that God is setting you up to fail, that no matter how hard you work, and pray and hope and just have faith, that the end result is predetermined to be failure. I can count how many times I have won an interview, but I cannot count how many interviews I have attended.
It's a predetermined negativity that becomes overwhelming
I got another rejection letter over the weekend. And this one, inasmuch as I was somewhat expecting and hoping not to get it, it just shattered me in ways you cannot comprehend. For one, I had just researched this law firm, just researched it in searching for courses for my LLM. And then, when I got the interview for it, I thought, stupidly and hopefully, that this was a sublime message from God, trying to give me what I had asked for. No, It was not, not suprising, right? Instead it was His way of punishing me yet again, emotionally and ruining my psyche, as in you can taste but you cannot touch, you are not good enough, there is some other perky, dumbass paralegal who He feels is more deserving of this job than my self. I don't know, why do I even bother, seriously. Why do I bother believing in faith, and signs, and hardwork pays, and strength and integrity in what you do, why do I bother?
I just felt hopeless and helpless all weekend. I haven't prayed ever since. This is not the most disappointing thing God has lead me through, but it is one of most devastating, mainly because, I thought we, as in me and Him were done wtih all that "test of Anita's fate" thing. He knows more than anyone else in this world how much I want this "career" thing to succeed. I don't know know why I grew up thinking I was special, I was destined to achieve great things, I was a little better and smarter than anyone else, and now, that I am supposed to achieve the "great and wondrous" things in my life, nothing seems to be. Even the mediocre life with husband and kids is a luxury for me.
I don't want to talk about this anymore. I spent all weekend, thinking, talking and just commiserating on this, and with each time, tears welled up in my eyes, and I became more and more distraught. I don't want to continue feeling that way, so hopefully I shall retrace into a state of denial and pretend that it didn't happen to me, that it happened to some other person, some other Anita, or an abbreviation of her. And maybe, the pain will seem misplaced and lost on someone else.
It just hurts you know, to always fail. To know that God is setting you up to fail, that no matter how hard you work, and pray and hope and just have faith, that the end result is predetermined to be failure. I can count how many times I have won an interview, but I cannot count how many interviews I have attended.
It's a predetermined negativity that becomes overwhelming
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Take a chance you stupid HO
You know how you attend an interview with a supposed Fortune 500 company, top-notch, top rated firm and they neglect to inform you that you didn't get the job, leave you dangling for weeks and weeks and somehow you just guess (because comon, it doesn't take that long to make a decision) that you didn't get the job, when they could have just had the decency to send you a letter "rejecting" you, its just an itch I wish I could make a Michael Moore type of documentary on.
This is the third time it has happened to me. In between I feel like calling up there and just cursing out anyone, the multitude of people in their HR department, to say, the least you could do, Oh Fortunate ones that work in this supposedly prestigious firm, the least you all could do was let me know. I left my current job, put my job in jeopardy, drove through traffic, paid for my parking, and expended my gas and energy, (and built up false hope, but that's a whole other story) and the least you could do was write me and say, Hey, it didn't work out, Shit happens. Not just totally ignore me. The lack of etiquette is unprofessional and misplaced, and it just shows that you don't deserve any of the clout you've been given.
I wonder who pitches stories for documentaries, because, this is a good one. Cut to me angry, banging on the door of a HR department, the black and white frame shows the staff frazzled wondering, who is this girl?
I am not upset, just a little disappointed, maybe I am not blonde and perky with a cute disarming smile and a humble spirit, maybe I look like the most annoying, unserious employee you will ever have, but I somehow get the job done. I really do.
This is the third time it has happened to me. In between I feel like calling up there and just cursing out anyone, the multitude of people in their HR department, to say, the least you could do, Oh Fortunate ones that work in this supposedly prestigious firm, the least you all could do was let me know. I left my current job, put my job in jeopardy, drove through traffic, paid for my parking, and expended my gas and energy, (and built up false hope, but that's a whole other story) and the least you could do was write me and say, Hey, it didn't work out, Shit happens. Not just totally ignore me. The lack of etiquette is unprofessional and misplaced, and it just shows that you don't deserve any of the clout you've been given.
I wonder who pitches stories for documentaries, because, this is a good one. Cut to me angry, banging on the door of a HR department, the black and white frame shows the staff frazzled wondering, who is this girl?
I am not upset, just a little disappointed, maybe I am not blonde and perky with a cute disarming smile and a humble spirit, maybe I look like the most annoying, unserious employee you will ever have, but I somehow get the job done. I really do.
Friday, December 03, 2004
The 14 people you hate the most
Last night, in the news they mentioned that a kid in high school had been caught with a death list, filled with the 14 people he would like to kill. He would like to, but I think they were more roused because most of these high school kids have a funny way of bringing such death lists to fruition. I mean, we all have them, that fantasy that if I could kill someone right now, It would be this person, or this person, but then, your anger cools and the feeling just dissipates into the atmosphere along with it. I went to bed last night thinking, "14 people? Men, that must have been one angry teenager." I do not think I have up to 14 people at a time I would like to off in this world. It is just crazy. One or two, would have been just about average, mainly bosses and supervisors fall into that list for almost everyone I know, but 14 whole people. Geez!
If I had anyone to put on that list right now, it would be me. Yes, me. And this is not a suicide note it is just me being frank. Me for having believed that I can make this life work. Me for being such a fuck up. The only fuck up who would screw up 3 interviews with 3 of the biggest law firms in Atlanta in the same year. Me for disappointing that other side of me who wants this so badly she can taste it, and the me that comes in and just ruins it for everybody. God gives me a chance, a slight chance to prove myself when these people actually invite me for these interviews. And I can only guess that invitation is God sent. I spend all night studying for it like it is an exam but I get there and I fuck it all up. Just bullshit just flows out of my mouth. Needless to say, I am a better writer than I am a speaker. All the things I put down here that seem somewhat coherent and a dash entertaining, are not really that way in real life. In real life, it's just blah, blah, blah, and I just go round and round. Inside me I am just rolling my eyes hoping I can keep up with this bullshit longer, a tad longer and that hopefullly someone will like it and save me. Please just give me a fucking break.
Then, the second person on that list of course, is any of my teachers in high school for making me believe that the future was really worth waiting for. They should tell kids now, it is just a lost cause, so do whatever you want to do when you are young and basically enjoy your life. The future is such a bunch of hyped up bullshit. I am living in mine, so I know firsthand what I am talking about.
So, my death list is minute, not really neccesary, slightly angry and hateful but mostly comprising of me.
If I had anyone to put on that list right now, it would be me. Yes, me. And this is not a suicide note it is just me being frank. Me for having believed that I can make this life work. Me for being such a fuck up. The only fuck up who would screw up 3 interviews with 3 of the biggest law firms in Atlanta in the same year. Me for disappointing that other side of me who wants this so badly she can taste it, and the me that comes in and just ruins it for everybody. God gives me a chance, a slight chance to prove myself when these people actually invite me for these interviews. And I can only guess that invitation is God sent. I spend all night studying for it like it is an exam but I get there and I fuck it all up. Just bullshit just flows out of my mouth. Needless to say, I am a better writer than I am a speaker. All the things I put down here that seem somewhat coherent and a dash entertaining, are not really that way in real life. In real life, it's just blah, blah, blah, and I just go round and round. Inside me I am just rolling my eyes hoping I can keep up with this bullshit longer, a tad longer and that hopefullly someone will like it and save me. Please just give me a fucking break.
Then, the second person on that list of course, is any of my teachers in high school for making me believe that the future was really worth waiting for. They should tell kids now, it is just a lost cause, so do whatever you want to do when you are young and basically enjoy your life. The future is such a bunch of hyped up bullshit. I am living in mine, so I know firsthand what I am talking about.
So, my death list is minute, not really neccesary, slightly angry and hateful but mostly comprising of me.
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