Movies of 2005

Some of the movies from 2005 that I was glad I got to watch even though some of them may have been released some years ago. Music wise I am glad I got to appreciate Rob Thomas music, closely. He is a really good artist, terrific songwriter, and very passionate performer. His voice rises above the instruments which really makes a difference when you compare that to other artists I got to hear sing live. I am gonna keep a close eye on him and his solo career from now.

Apart from that I still love Gavin and Maroon 5, just like last year. Musicwise nothing much was happening. BSB's new CD was a tad disappointing, but their voices made up for it.

The movies in no particular order are: The Door in the Floor, Four Brothers, Prime(very very good) Syriana, Batman Begins, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Talk to Her, Constantine, (and not just because Keanu is in it, it had some deep subliminal messages in it once you get past the eye candy) Crash, United States of Leland, The Family Stone and from 2 days ago, Cinderella Man.

2005 in retrospect...musical influences enclosed

2005 in Retrospect

As I look back and read the journal I sort of reflect on the year past. I also notice that not much has changed in my mindset or my general wellbeing. I still desperately need a second of God’s time. But somehow I feel like He has given it to me, about an hour considering all the trials I went through and survived and lived to talk about it.

1) I turned 31. Aaargh! Am I really that old?

2) Most important is that I lived to see my 31st birthday.

And with all that had happened before I turned 31, I was just glad and content with being alive and having my ducks in a row enough for me to sit back and celebrate it.

3) I lost my job. I lost a job I never even liked.

The year started off great. I was hopeful but nursing some trepidation for the New Year. Then, earlier on in the year, I felt this emptiness stemming from deep sadness and displeasure, what I termed, the “I am not happy phase.” It was just displeasure with life, my future, my loneliness, what I had hoped would happen and was yet to happen and somehow did not look like it was going to happen at all. Then, when I lost the job it just sort of compounded everything and summed up the unhappiness.

I felt like I was living day by day to make it through paycheck to paycheck, so when that happened, the day by day living did not seem plausible. In the space of two months, I spent more time at home, on the phone, in front of the computer, by the fax machine and checking the mailbox, than I have in my entire life. I cried more times than I care to remember. I loved God and hated God all in the same breath for loving me and testing my faith, when I felt I didn’t really need testing. I also lost touch with my online friends, who were trying to be friendly to me and comfort me but I didn’t quite see through their warmth.

Nothing made sense. Your mind closes off and those momentary images of escapism seem so trivial and inconsequential that they cannot scratch the surface of your disdain. You need a fucking clue, a fucking break, for the fucking phone to ring, for some freaking light to glimmer through the fucking tunnel already. You doubt yourself, your skill, your self-worth, and your purpose. Nothing makes sense.

Sometime in between that personal chaos Keanu’s movie Constantine opened and he was caught up in doing press for it. I was not really paying attention at this time. How could I? I remember catching him on Leno late one night, and wondering, “Why, why now? Why can’t I appreciate seeing you?” I started to cry. Nothing made sense and as I tried to force it to seem reasonable, like it was some passage of time, it only got worse.

4) I eventually got a job that turned out much better than the one I had lost. I make more money now and I get to take the last week of December off (to be me) because the company is closed for the year. What could be better? In hindsight, there was a happy ending to that melodrama, apart from the online friends I lost (and my plant dying), the climax, was well worth the happy ending. So somebody up there was listening.

5) Its 2005 and I am still obsessed with KR.

6) I have found that even in my obsession, reality changes how I view everything. I just look at KR now and wonder how no matter how much I obsess over him he could not take me away from the pain and angst even momentarily. I can focus on myself now, on my goals and life’s challenges and act like that obsession does not exist. Though I still freeze up whenever I hear his name mentioned, but life takes control in the times that I don’t.

7) I took a few trips this year.

a) Went to Boston in February for Harvard Business Conference at the Harvard Business School. Really did not enjoy that because I was unemployed at the time and no one knew it. Sitting around talking to future business leaders while you’re still trying to figure out your career goal is a bit testing. However, Boston is different. I don’t know what else to say about it. It was February and some homes and streets still had Xmas lights up. The houses are different, the streets are different and the people are different, so academically inclined. It’s a whole different market from down south. Hoping to go back there again.

b) Went to Fort Lauderdale with my family. I didn’t realize how much I had missed the beach until I got there. So refreshing. Turned out to be one of the best vacations I have ever had. Period. Strolling through South beach, right past Versace’s house. It was amazing.

c) Went to Hilton Head, SC. That trip was rather uneventful. I don’t know why. It just was. Maybe because we were so broke when we decided to take it.

8) I also went to five concerts this year.

a) There was Maroon 5 in March. Which at the time I got the tickets I was so excited to get to see Adam perform live, that when it eventually happened I was unemployed and going through the “senseless” phase, that I really didn’t have time and heart to take it in. Now, I have to wait at least a couple of years before that happens again.

b) BSB in July. This was the first BSB concert since 2001, so I knew I had to be there. I got to share the experience with my brother and nieces, so it was fun. It’s always wonderful to see the Boys live, it’s a thrill every time, and when you see someone else take that in, share the euphoria with you, it just assures you that yes, these Boys can sing and it’s not just me who thinks so. Plus at this time I was happily employed, and that always works for maximum enjoyment.

c) Then, there was Rob Thomas in October. Powerhouse voice with a powerhouse band. This was my second time hearing live instruments performed with no explosions, or pyro, or dance steps or extra frills to distract the concert just sheer performance magic, and it changes everything.

d) Then, there was Will Smith and BSB again. Different kind of tone, different kind of concert. DJ spinning the record in the background is a little awkward. Enough said.

e) Finally my personal best to cap the year, Mr. Gavin DeGraw. This was the most expensive concert out of the lot, because I bought a full-priced ticket based solely on Gavin being there, and stayed only to see him perform 5 songs and left soon after. So $65 for a 20 minute concert seems a bit pricey if you ask me. But the memories. More on that later.

9) I got my first houseguest this year. My good friend Jay drove all the way from Memphis to spend some time with me.

10) I don’t think he’ll be in a hurry to come back. Hmmm…

11) I didn’t have sex.

12) Something tells me I am not missing out on anything since I never really liked sex in the first place. That also explains No. 10 situation above. I don’t know what it is about sex, I miss it, but I don’t like it. I cannot understand why I miss something I never really like participating in.

13) I got my dream car –2005 Honda Element. (After much bickering and bantering from my family)

14) It didn’t take long for the lovely new car to get bashed in by a stray shopping cart at Target during a brief grocery run during my lunch break. I am still deciding if I should sue Target for the damages.

15) In between my angst I decided to do something I had promised myself I would do at the start of this year –trust my instincts. So without a job and lacking the will to study I enlisted myself in Part 1 of my exams by charging the exam fees to my trusty credit card. I just trusted that everything was going to be alright by the time August rolled around and I would be willing and able to take my exams without distraction or hesitation.

16) After much ado, and totally out of left field, making it one of the biggest achievements of this year, I passed my exams. All two of them. To say that God shocked me with that win is an understatement.

17) I am still overweight.

18) And now more than ever I give a shit about my size. I feel like I look 31 only because I carry around all this extra weight. I have so much hatred for everything that moves around in a size 4.

19) I am still employed *knocks on wood*

20) I still believe that God was testing me for something, maybe so I can earn a second of His time. I still believe in miracles and everything else that’s holy and sacred, including the elusive soul mate that I believe He has promised me.

So that is my 2005. And with all that what can I hope for next year:

To be happy and content with what I have which is a whole lot more than what I expected to achieve by this time. To live more, laugh more and enjoy every moment effortlessly and to trust that there is a grand plan inside of everything, every screw up, every shut door, every rejection letter, and every deleted email. There is a grand plan to everything that goes wrong. Most of all I hope to stay humble and to trust that some day it will all turn out right. Right now I can’t ask for one second of God’s time for 2006 since I feel like He has given me a lot more than I deserve at this point. I would just like to thank Him for the second and hope I have more seconds left.

"There is a living Promised Land, even over fields and sand, seasons filled my mind and cover me.--Chariot.

Part of where I am going, is knowing where I am coming from…All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind.”

Sometimes our only way is jumping, hope you are not afraid of heights.”

-- You are so right! Gavin

It’s kind of nice to have a secret that people can feel they discovered for themselves. Sometimes when things you love get really commercial, you end up feeling betrayed by it. ---Gwyneth Paltrow said this in Interview, and I relate it to the new Internet hype surrounding Gavin. Where were this people early 2004 when search engines didn’t know who he was.

Though we care not to wait for the end there comes the end, sooner, later at last, which nothing can mar, nothing mend. An end locked fast, bent we cannot re-mend.

--Summer is ended –Christina Rosetti

Many have questioned that the individual employment relationship is provided by contract because prior to hiring, there is rarely any parity in the relative bargaining power of employer and worker. In its inception it is an act of submission and operated in subordination, no matter how much the submission and the subordination may be concealed by that indispensable figment of the legal mind known as the contract of employment. Also, the agreement between the parties plays a relatively minor role in determining the substance of their reciprocal obligations. Because of the power of command vested in the employer. 

-- Kahn Freund. He speaks the truth.

I sometimes see my life in black and white, with distinct shades of grey fused in to distort any vision of color. My face pales in comparison to the darkness that it holds, and the smile that I try to reach for is not visible to the mind's eye as it weeps, little dots of grey, green and whimsical mauve. It is black and white there is no other explanation to the ashes.

--Yours Truly.

Hope we live and love more in 2006.

In Another Lifetime...

Can you believe I wrote this? I found it while I was surfing through my old journal entries from 2001. I know, the days when creativity flowed.

In another lifetime, can I get to choose you, can we get to have each other, can we choose where we want to be?


In another lifetime, can we get to have peace, to rest easy, put our feet up and love freely? Can we?


In another lifetime, is there hope for interaction without intermission, without bumping, without choking one's space? Is there a place we get to run recklessly wtihout noise being the determinant of our voices, our upraor, our freedom?


In another lifetime, can we get to take sides, choose our places, and the dreams we want to fruition.


Then I can choose you, and you may have to choose me...and in that time, can I get to keep you, without fear that time, or age, or unfortunate circumstance of death would come to claim you from me, and with the reassurance that wherever you get to go, I go also, and where you end up...I shall be, in that same time.


Though now we belong to another.


In another lifetime, I want to love you, be you, have you. And with you, no one else.

This is me as 2005 closes out

This is me (from moments ago). This is how I look now as the year closes out. And that's Gavin's framed pictures in the background of my den with my exam results posted just underneath it. (And God willing my degree will be posted underneath that too) Just my way of saying that as I fantasize and daydream, I also have moments of realism in which I 'kickass' or as I shall choose to say prosper and exist. In which real life continues. But I assume the daydreams help me become me, a better part of me. But me all the same.

So this is me. And how was your Xmas?

tears for 2005

Sometimes when I listen to you I feel like crying, and at times I have cried. It's been like this for two weeks now. Every time you come on in the car, on the computer, in my head, in my sleep, even when I cannot sleep, I cannot think, I cannot write, I just think, and imagine, and sadden softly and sometimes, the tears fall, and sometimes they do not, sometimes I hold strong, but then, there's your voice, that face, that smile, that look, and my mind keeps having these images, of things that I could only hope to happen to me, that may not, that now do not seem so impossible, because I got my one second, the brief time, the moment, and then, it's almost time for tears.

What brings about a transition in this life, when we go from one place to another so fast that we do not know what to do, how to stop it or how it came about or where it would lead. Nothing that I used to do before this makes sense anymore. I feel like running away from myself, from this state the transition has put me because nothing I did before this makes sense, not in the knowing, the absence of so much knowledge was bliss, so much now, so many tears let loose, not that much creativity, nothing else makes sense. I have become this child, so in touch with a certain part of me, 'like a bird onto a tree' holding, believing, trusting. But why the tears? Why now? What is this all supposed to mean? What?

I forgive them for what they did

I got two presents at work today. So far all the attorneys gave me presents for Xmas and I gave them nothing, not even a Xmas Card. I feel bad because I know it is not my nature, but that was just the way the cookie crumbled this year.

So in the words of my good friend: I forgive them for what they've done to me throughout the year. How I have slowly been demoted and become something like an image of myself and my dreams. But it's all forgiven. It's all okay.

I was reading through my old journal entries and realized how important this journal is to me. It gives an account of my year thus far and let's me know what consumed thoughts at every point in time. Last year, I know what I was thinking about and when I read this journal by this time next year, I shall know exactly what was going through my mind. Hopefully, it will be so much more. So much better, so much closer to that "halfway house in time."

A few random things:
I finally got ink for my printer/scanner, 4 months after it ran out, and it cost a pretty penny I can tell you that. Now I don't know what pictures I wanted to scan, it seems so unimportant right now. Maybe because I lost the use of my domain so I am a little heartless right now.

The books for arbitration and tax law, cost about 120 a piece. The story of my life, nothing is ever easy. Where will the money come from? Why do I even bother with the studying when I spend my day being the "file-fetcher."

I normally do like a year end summary of movies, music, and just my life in general tidbits and put it in here. This year should be no exception. I hope I get to do it.

Enough about Gavin but just one more: It's surprising that I haven't felt the need to write a story about him, or anything that inspirational like I did this time last year when I went through my Adam phase. Why haven't I? Hmm...I don't know.

He seems like such a struggling young man, and I feel for him from my heart deeply. I feel like the world needs to take notice of him. He is one artist that if he becomes as big as Usher, I shall want nothing less for him. (If he has his own religion so to speak). He needs some kind of movement, maybe a little more sex appeal, perhaps may do the trick.

Listening to his interviews you can tell there was a search there, a pursuit for a career in music and how much joy it gives him and he works real hard to harness his craft. It just seems sad that he never really exploded, the way I had hoped. He is such a talent and he is just plucking away. He did interviews in stations I would never have thought about, that are so small and have such little target audience, and he belted those tunes out on cue each time. And still Chariot Stripped sold only 21,000 in its debut week. Sad, isn't it. It will happen. Just like my dream to work for that human rights organization, the UN, work as a photographer, write screenplays for movies, just write, and everything else I aspire to do. It will happen, we can only believe, and keep enjoying it. Just like he said, he gets so much joy from music unlike anything else. Better than sex, I assume. I don't know. There are a couple of things for me that are better than sex, though I cannot think of one right off the top of my head right now. It isn't all that. But it's good no less. I digress.

Read at your own peril

Some days start out good and just somehow end up being a bloody awful day. Today is such a day I speak of. Too many countless stupid activities.

. Went for a stupid ass Xmas lunch with my coworkers that was without fanfare and lackluster, and sadly without alcohol. Who goes to celebrate Xmas without alcohol, it's part of Xmas.
. Some idiot's door bashed in my driver door, leaving yet another dent in it. It is now, 4 months since I have had the car and it's been through 3 heavy dinges. What is it about green that attracts them so?
. I told my coworkers I had passed my exams and they so quickly brished it aside, like it was nothing exceptional. I made over 60% for crying out loud, they said not many people get that high.

And there's so much more. I am just really pissed off today. Something tells me it is going to be a very long ass week. I am off next week, but it's not like I have anything planned. I just think it's going to be a very long week, and a very boring week off. What exciting thing can possibly happen to me, what are the exciting things I want to happen to me? How can I make exciting things happen?

A friend of mine asked me if I still like Keanu since it's been all about Gavin lately. Yeah. I still do. Always. That's the thing about my love for Keanu it just lurks, it waits for me to have love affairs with men in my head and then, it comes back to claim me. He has this genuiness of character that just astounds me. It's like I can almost predict that if there's a tame story, it has him written all over it. It's not the same with the others.

But Gavin is hot no doubt. And it's exploded over the past year or so. I remember back in May 2004 when I first got his CD, and did a quick search for him online, nothing pulled up. Not a thing. It was sad. I thought what a great artist and no one likes him. But not quite so now. Sometimes when I see him I just think can I sleep with you just for one time, one time, is that okay? Is it okay for me to feel that way? I never think that way about KR it's more like, what about a lifetime, friendship will also be good too. I would love to listen to you, watch you listen to me.

I have a friend just like that in real life (never thought I'd say real life right) and I like him, we have great conversation, he gets me, makes me spirits up when I am down. But I don't think of sleeping with him. Sometimes I do, when I realize how impossible the Gavins and the Adams are in my life, then, I think of him the Mr. Accessible and Realistic in that way. But in conversation, I never break out and say, you are so hot, Do me please. And I have thought that way about some men IN REAL LIFE. Not just fantasy, and somehow they have come to be, some of them have measured up to expectations, and some in hindisght, not so much.

You see the kinds of things I think about. AT XMAS!

Anyway, this is not what I wanted to talk about tonight. I just want to wish everyone (especially myself)a merry xmas. You can tell I need it.

Unscripted Transition

Long time ago I wrote this piece called Transition. That was my first piece of writing, the first time I knew I could feel something that could not be described in spoken words but written. It was so deep and I didnt even know how I thought it up, but I knew why. I wish I knew where that piece is right now, it may just be worth at least two bucks.

However, this brings me to something else. I feel that way right now. Essentially life leads us through this passage hole, it's planned, like some psychosomatic transient being, just leads you down a coincidental path and it turns into something real, something good, and sometimes the good changes faces, to bad, or unwelcomed, and eventually you wonder, why did this all happen.

I only say this because I have been feeling that way lately. Yesterday in the midst of my good news about my exam result, I felt sad, so sad that I started to cry, and I don't know, I still feel a certain unknown sadness that is just indescribable. I don;t know if its the Gavin overload (BTW in the midst of being someone I thought was quite unknown, I noticed some very 'commercial' attributes to him and his act but more on that later), mixed with my distaste with my body recently. (BTW I planned to do a consult for lipo and then, something just changed my mind.) Suddenly I don't want to be me with this body anymore, and it's even more pronounced right now. More than ever. Then, there is the indescribable sadness, of thinking, I am so far away and each time I feel myself coming closer, something pulls me away. I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. And yes, I did feel this way by this time last year. It was hard to get myself in the mode to start to study then, cos all I wanted to do was write about Adam, and I did. But with this one, I can't even write. I can only sit here upset. Deeply upset. And sad. And infuriated. And more so because I cannot understand why.

Hoping for a break from the fall

Today was a perfect day. If I could use that word loosely. There were a few snags here and there but I couldn't ask for a better day.

First off, even though the weather was bad, and I chose not to leave the house at my regular time, letting the ice melt off the roads before I ventured out, I still arrived at the office, waay earlier than the sole attorney in the office, so he didn't even notice I was gone.

I called the school to find out my exam results. And breathlessly, I awaited the pass or fail mark to my results, and yes, I passed. To say that again, I PASSED. I felt so overjoyed that I went quiet, still with joy! I am still in shock, I'll believe it when I see it on paper, but that was a good feeling, you have no idea.

Then, the rest of the day just felt like I was walking on air. I got to take over an hour for lunch. Went to the mall after work, and got the rest of my Xmas shopping done. You know how you go shopping sometimes and they never have your size in stuff you like, or the store reps are rude, or unconcerned in getting your size, but not today, there were X-large's and then, some. The good day continued.


Came home and my Chariot Stripped CD was in the mailbox. So it's providing my easy evening listening. If only there was alcohol, but it's okay. It feels good, to just sit at ease, and know you are easing into things.

One day I shall find the prize. It just takes time.

hang you to dry

Spent a fair amount of time on Sunday reading Anthony Kiedis' autobiography at B & N. It was some good reading material.

A friend of mine had told me it was worth reading, and I remember in one of his interviews he had mentioned he was working on something with a writer. But it was released and just flew under the radar. For one reason, it is so explicit, the photos are explicit, his lifestyle filled with SO MUCH DRUG USE is explicit and his relationships with women, his managers, producers and band members are explicit. It's like he is constantly trying to resist the urge to get high, to get wasted, and to blow his money on drugs. There was no respite for him, he was always on a downward spiral. He stayed sober and clean, for like a month straight and then, there would be a relapse. How do people live like that? I don't know why I found it fascinating enough that I sat there for close to an hour reading it. There have been many books that I have sampled at Barnes and Noble and none of them have kept me still for that long. You leaf through the pages, catch a paragraph or two and that is about it. But this one was some good stuff. His dysfunctional relationships rung true too. Like fiction is not as intriguing as reality. Not quite. I may just buy it. Plus he donates 5% of his pay to charity. I did the math and I cannot afford to do that.

It just goes to show how different my sister and I are. On Sunday afternoon, she chose to go home and bake some bread for her office Xmas party, while I chose to go to B & N and read about sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Is it any wonder that I am still single?

Moment in Time

This is the best I could do with the photo. So here it is.

So we had fun!

I am so exhausted. The past few days have actually been good better than good, try exciting. Which is a word I don't use slightly. Small recap:

On Monday I went to church for renewal of my faith. Soothing and meditational, except I couldn't stay. It started later than I had anticipated and there was just too much going in my life that night.

Tuesday, I went to the GA Paralegal dinner. It was enlightening to see so many people in the same profession as yourself, who get the jobs that you don't. Fun because it was out of the ordinary for me. I got to spend some time downtown, and downtown in the Xmas season, is beautiful. It nudges you.

Then, of course Wednesday and Thursday. Will Smith and Gavin deGraw concerts back-to-back. Two different lineups, radio station concerts back-to-back. First of all, I want to thank God for making the money available for me to afford that luxury. I was doing the math and it cost about $200 for the tickets alone. All other perks like drinks (insert overpriced beer), parking etc, may come up to $100. But the high you get from it lasts for days. Days.

The first concert was the Will Smith/BSB concert. Which was good, actually I expected it to be better. BSB was great as always, something about the way they perform that always gets me. Not necessarily their harmonies, but just the way they put their passion into singing. The key thing for me was having JC Chasez introduce them. Not many people understood the history behind that and I did, so to put it in his words it was all fitting that he'd be the one to introduce them. The seats for the concert were amazing. Because with all my concerts this year I haven't exactly been blessed with the best seating arrangement, I just didn't go into it with that much enthusiasm as my sister, who hasn't been to a concert in such a long time. I knew they were floor seats, but the thing with floor seats is this, if they are not elevated, you end up having to crane your neck the entire concert. No one wants to do that. So I failed to take my camera along. Ho-hum, I thought, risk the chance of releasing awful pictures again, I don't think so.

Will Smith was okay! It was a different kind of concert. Not the regular kind where everyone is jumping up and down, and dancing aimlessly, this one seemed like it had a focus. The only snag was that it was so short, it ended just as soon as you got into it. I got into it. After we bought a one-time use camera at the local Phillips arena convenience store, I took a whole bunch of pictures before I realized that I forgot to press the flash button, let alone the wind button. So there were several pictures, but they were all imprinted on one another. Hmmm...

Thursday night was the better concert night the Star 94 concert, which comprised of artists that actually use instruments, live bands, and not DJ's like Will Smith and the Pussycat Dolls, which I had experienced the day before. These artists displayed certain experience singing and performing live, and have such great bands. Gavin deGraw was just amazing. I bought the tickets just because I have been such a huge fan of his, (as you all know, from early last year when I bumped into his CD and haven't gotten enough of it) and have often wondered what he would sound like live. So I bought the tickets just because of him. Though there was also Jason Mraz and Switchfoot in the lineup, but I wasn't too hopeful on seeing them either.

I took the leftover of the film from the previous night and thought, floor seats but probably sucky. The seats were sucky. Floor seats, angled to the left of the stage. I was the one at the end, the very last seat at the end, beside this obnoxious couple and even though I arrived at 7.30, I had already missed Howie Day. I just thought, how my luck must suck tonight. Then, Gavin came up as soon as I sat down with my Heineken. He opened with Chariot and I almost dropped my glass of beer. He sounded amazing, I can't say that enough. His voice was fresh and alive, and it filled the arena. Compare this to the night before where I sat through bands like Relient K, and could hardly hear the singer's vocals over the drum beat. Gavin was not that bad. He was good, performed like a veteran. He is in trouble now, cos he just made me a bigger fan.

As if the risk of sounding great was not bad enough. He got up during Chemical Party, left the stage, and walked through the crowd, and through the aisle, through, you guessed it, my end of the floor, right infront of me, he went up the first 100 rows, with the crowd clinging onto him, and then down again, with the crowd and the security clinging onto him right past me twice. TWICE. The first time, I was stunned. I couldn't believe it, people pushed past my seat and clutched him while I just stood there, I didn't know what to do. Some people extended their hands to touch him and just as I decided a feel of his skin may not be that big of a deal, he moved away. I just thought how uncanny. This kinda thing does not happen to me at all. Usually the artist would come down, and walk down to the floor, but through another side of the arena, and I would go, oh my darndest luck. But that was not to be this time around. It was right past me. Twice.

Hopefully the camera worked, and even though it didn't. It would stand as one of my best concert experiences ever. It was so moving that I went outside and bought a t-shirt that reads Gavin deGraw. I don't do that for BSB and I've seen them four times. But this was too much for my silly heart. I'm like, Boy who knew you had it in you, to feel bold enough to leave the stage, and make the security people pant and heave, and walk through the crowd like you are a regular somebody. Who knew! I didn't. I just thought he'd sit there, play his piano, dance a bit, ask us if we are having a good time and that would be it. Not Gavin! Amazing night. I am still reeling from it. The disbelief and sheer luck and verve of the moment. And to think I almost didn't buy those tickets.

Jason Mraz was good as well. He was soo good that he made people go outside and buy his CD. That's a good performance, when people go outside and increase your record sales instantaneously.

All in all it was good, relaxing, wonderful couple of days that has capped my Xmas and a tumultous year.

Dear Gavin, you got me through the hard times and you decided to come down stage to say, hey, let's forget about it all, and have a good Xmas. Good looking out 'men. Thank you.

how far we've come

Just a recap of certain things, since I rarely have the opportunity to talk about myself, and as the year comes to an end you find yourself thinking introspectively about a plethora of things.

First off, the weekend was just okay. I didn't go to church even though there was nothing wrong with me. I was not ill, or depressed (surprise, surprise!). I was just uninspired. Certain things I had hoped to happen to me this year have not happened. I was so uninspired that I didn't go to the gym as well, even though my body soo needs it. I weighed myself at the clinic on Tuesday and it's at 200 pounds. Whopping for someone my size. No wonder no one finds me attractive. And then, that uninspiration stirred the way to this week. I found myself thinking through the long journey to work about the type of work I thought I would get to do when I decided not to go to law school and become a paralegal. I thought maybe I would get to do all the legal work, sans going to court or putting my name onto a pleading. Here we are almost 3 years into it, and it is not so. Instead I am a glorified secretary and as I get older I wonder will I ever get to do it, can I do it, is it something I will be good at, or should I just file it along with my other unsatisfied dreams, right next to "marry Keanu." In six months' time I shall be turning 32, and it is not an easy age, just saying the number sounds ridiculous. I can't believe it is just that far away from 30 which seems like a 'younging'. what is going on? I can't wrap my head around so many things, so many things that relate mainly to my life, like who did i wrong somewhere that I just seem to be grasping not so much holding. Like the songs says, I keep crawling in the dark, looking for the answers." Yes, that is me alright!!

I don't want to sound as if I am ungrateful for what I have; like I said, I am just uninspired. So much hapens around the world, factories are closing, literally closing down. You start to wonder, what is going on? Every time I spend money I think this is a luxury that not many people can afford, and I can, for now, so I should be grateful, but why am I bothered by it.