a decade later

I apologize that its been so long. Just when you think life is ho-hum and you get a little bored with the routine something sticks in it and then, everthing starts to capsize. That's just a succint way of summarizing it. So bad, that the bonus money I have been looking forward to all year came around and inside of a day it was all gone, and I didn't get to use it to pay for my exams or buy even a single t-shirt. It just got caught in the high and dry of my everyday living. So let's say February is not really my month. Not this time last year, not this year. Needless to say that right after I posted that very optimistic horoscope that life got a little pessimistic and raw, and just generally sucks. Almost to the point that I am slowly starting to forget the things that used to give me joy, or just general direction.

I will elaborate on this later, when I am not feeling so deeply hurt by it.

Dear Lord, as much as it hurts and fails to make sense at this point, please help me to see the sense in it, to see the light of God emerge from this troubling time in my life. Help me to believe in the goodness of the Lord with this weighty load I have been given to bear. And God willing it would be a good week. In Jesus name, I pray.

Horoscope ties it all in

Gemini (May 21-June 21)You are very optimistic, inquisitive, intelligent and full of energy. You need a vocation that keeps your interest piqued and keeps you going, such as a travel guide, nature explorer or a sales position where travel is required.

Week of February 13, 2006: You may find Valentine's Day to be more interesting than you expected. *snickers, I can bet my unborn children this is an utter fabrication* Venus sextiles Jupiter on the day, which will bring you plenty of opportunities to share your love with your dearest sweetheart.*who is currently AWOL in some time continuum, but thanks for keeping him in mind* Vacations and short breaks look like the ideal way to spend a relaxing time together if you can do so. If you happen to be online, an unexpected stroke of luck could bring you a new online affair. Midweek is another time for passion, so if you are too busy on Valentine's Day to enjoy some fun, Wednesday would also go down a treat. One conversation of extraordinary depth could lead to many new adventures. *gasps, my two favorite words extraordinary and adventure* Mars moves into your sign on Friday, which is going to reenergize you and help you to get some of those exciting new projects off the ground.

You will feel on top of the world and ready for anything. The Sun moves into Pisces on Saturday which further emphasizes your career zone and gives you a deeper sense of purpose. Things may move quite quickly and some unexpected offers may yet come your way. Exciting news arrives out of the blue. * yet another one of my favorite words: exciting.* If you are open to conversation then you can make some excellent progress on Sunday.

Most of the time, when this horoscope waxes lyrical, and spreads good news just like so, I often think, this is not referring to me. It is describing some other Gemini. whom apparently has a significant other, or has some kind of life that resembles something out of a story book, and all these exciting things are going to happen to him/her. For eg, last week, it told me I would be at the right place at the right time (which sadly is what I have been praying for). Not so much. On Friday I left for lunch early and missed an invite to lunch with a close friend of mine. All my leads turned out to be blah! embarassing not only because none of them worked out, they didn't work out in the "I made a little boo boo" type way, it was more like, they ignored me, indicative of "we are just not interested in what you are peddling, so take your meangie 3 for 3 ass outta here. Golly."

Why else would my horoscope put Gemini and stroke of luck and, unexpected offers in the same paragraph, and I think, Gee whiz, guess who's going to come up with something..goood. Good ole' me. Watch this space next week Monday, and I am still the same, still single, still day dreaming, even while I drive, and a little less hopeful, as each day goes by, my hope wanes.

Staring at a maple leaf...I found touch

I tried to make a list of the top ten things I want in a JOB and I want in a MAN on Monday. The list still sits in my car because I am not quite sure I should post it anywhere.

In trying to come up with each number on the list, I had to shirk myself of all measure of superficial things, nothing too lacking, or just plain dumb, that elaborates how bland my mind is. And I also tried to think realistically and douse it with a measure of humility, so that if God is listening this is how it is and if He wants to give me some more that is fine, but I will not be irrational or petty or just plain proud about the things I want. So the list was made, some tie into others and some just plain stand out on their own.

In my entire life I have never quite limited myself with a list. Surely there are some things that attract me to some men and to some jobs but I haven't categorized them as a preference or a necessity or just me being superficial. So I decided to write them down. God did say we should be specific with our prayers.

What I had meant to say yesterday

Apparently, my horoscope for this week condones day dreaming. So here we go.

I don't understand the fickle nature of music consumers. One minute you are their favorite artist and the next they don't want anything to do with you. One minute, you are on top of the charts and no one can touch you, and the next, you release a CD and it doesn't make news at all. It's like farting in the wind. I was listening to Ja Rule and Ashanti this morning on the radio on my way to work, and I distinctly remember when he was the top dog, everything he did or put his groggy voice too was gold, No. 1 single. He must have been living large then, now, I hear he does Bar-Mitzvahs and wedding gigs. So sad. And Ashanti's fame level is pretty much the same. Now, it's all about Ciara. No one even books for those Maybelline launches. That's just sad.

Words from my desk at work

The best time to love an artist is when they are on their way up and when after having peaked either too soon, or way too much they have now reached their demise and are trying to revive their career by rekindling the religion they started way back when, and then there you are one of the few. Years ago, I tried to get *Nsync tickets from Ticketmaster. They sold out in about an hour. I tried other states and it was pretty much the same thing. I sometimes wonder if they were to get back together now, can they sell out as fast and even though I know the answer to that question is No, how small or big will the arena be, will they play an intimate club show, and have time to do nice, personal, very friendly meet-and-greets after the show. That's the best kind of show for a fan of the music (even of the person) and only a star begging for a rise and or slowly hitting their demise will be smart enough or can afford to do something like that. Everything else in between, at their career peak, will be impossible. They wouldn't be foolish enough to attempt to play a small arena (not much money will be made and not many fans will be satisfied because how many of them can fit in) and they won't be humble enough to even try to. After all, who's nice when they're famous, they all develop this big egos and only Dome-like arenas would be big enough to fit them and their egos. And you all know how possessive I get when I am a true fan of someone's I just don't enjoy sitting in that arena with way too many teenagers. The surprising thing is that BSB still sold out their show, and even though I logged in within minutes of the show going on sale I still garnered crappy seats, so there are still fans who want to go to the shows, but hate to buy their CD's.

Weekend Summary

Yesterday I couldn't concentrate while I read.

 

It was a mixture of thoughts, that had to do with me, my work week, my financials, impossible dreams, and one of them starts with a G, though I don't know why my mind was preoccupied when I could have been reading. But it was not a progressive morning study period. And yet I sacrifice working out to study, but the study session is almost quite not as smooth as it needs to be. I am starting to wonder what I am doing, and why I am doing it. But I digress. I can only hope it's going to be a good week. 

I woke up early today, maybe my mind wanted me to cover up the study I missed the previous night, but that was to no avail, this time I spent it surfing the web, etc. And then, I had one of the most boring Sundays I have had in a long time. I have a big screen HDTV flat screen with satellite hookup, yet I watch Superbowl alone, if at all. And how was your weekend? 

Dear Lord, let it be a good week. Last week was not so good, I can only hope this week is better. I want to stay focused in all aspects, spiritually and emotionally. I just need to stay focused, and determined to make the most of my life, of my empty days, to have some kind of direction. 

Amen.

Happy Birthday to Gavin!

Happy Birthday to Gavin!



Here's hoping he's staring at a Maple Leaf somewhere, wondering when the fuck we all lost touch, and why we did and how his music can help us get it back. Normally I would post something nice and poetic, and I swear I had something like that planned in my head days ago except, I am knackered, a little disappointed in the day and just plain bored. But I didn't want the day to end without saying, if music is what connects us to people that we've never met or will ever meet, it's like touching someone in this empty space and it connects and fills the void, in some brief moments it's almost as if the right song plays and life almost makes sense in that brief moment. I don't know what I am saying, I am just going to go stare at some leaf, since there is no maple leaf around me, and hope that one day this won't be just a pipe dream and someday this will make sense. But for now, Happy Birthday! Don't be ashamed to say you are 29 Bro, some of us are going to be 32, and it hurts, it almost like Ouch!

it's been a long time coming

This journal is long overdue for an update. I should have done an update but I have been out of focus on everything, what I have been up to beats me. Spending money that I don't have and that I am not sure I will have. Work is not really working out, I am almost afraid to say. There's an indescribable feeling of unrest or something that's building up that I am sure it's just not my intuition, it's a lot more. But hopefully I have turned to some crazy schizo Russell Crowe-Beautiful-Mind-type person and all this is just my warped sense of imagination. Hopefully. I just can't shake it, I suppose. But Work troubles me. More so because I am coming to the one year anniversary of something that felt this way and eventually played out this way. So I don't want to dismiss my feelings so soon.

The horoscope says:
February 2, 2006
Truth is being withheld from you and there is nothing that you hate more than not knowing the truth. Situations could get ugly in the workplace today so be prepared to go into battle with your head held high. A great deal is at stake so be careful.

So it's not just me, the horoscope concurs.