I want to have lunch with you.
I want to sit and listen to you chew as we talk
About the immature thoughts our hearts sometimes harbor.
I want to think with you,
I don't want to wonder what your mind thinks when I may not be with you
I want to sit with you
Listen to our lips talk about the fluttering love we may someday make
Dancing heartbeats we fight so hard to conceal
Dashing eyelids we roam around to avail
Them from meeting one another's
I want to just gently tip your hand as we sit
Knowing that this is real
Before me right now
Not one of the premature pleasures
My heart has let my mind wonder in my private hour
I want to know that yes, you are here before me
And it is I, who sits with you as you eat
And it is you, who longs to watch me beofre you.
So let's have lunch, shall we?

To be or not to be...that is the question that surrounds this week's horoscope.

Today--July 30th-- is my brother's birthday, he turned 31, and for a present his company decided to promote him, isn't that a trip? I am so happy for him, at least someone is doing something with the education he got, unlike some of us.

Am I the only one who goes to work and always, always comes back complaining about a shitty day? Lately, I've been.

This week's horoscope is below and I hope it comes close to referring to my own Gemini not another one ins some other funky planetary arrangement. At least this time it doesn't say avoid Pisces and Saggitarius like it always does.

GEMINI
If you're not currently attached, keep in mind that there could be some interesting new opportunities between now and the end of the year for you. You may be feeling somewhat more decisive and secure about yourself and you could be ready to start having a lot more fun, even if it ends up costing you something.

Your luck this week:
Love-A Money-C Work-B*
Signs to seek-Aries, Leo
Signs to avoid-Virgo, Taurus

Do you know what annoys me most about this weblog...No one except I the author reads it.
I and I suspect the people I am talking about. Because some days after I discuss them on here, call it suspicion but they start to act all weird around me.

I have decided to start writing again seriously. I cannot take it anymore. I have so many emtions and confusions I am going through right now, even though I am "out of the house", interacting more and not a solitude as I once was when I wrote some of my best work, but I am still faced with so much loneliness and hollow just as well as if I were alone. Like the crowded room feeling lonely effect, I guess. When does it stop?

Last night, I called Ryan at my other job to tell him the girl I had been trying to hook him up with was going to be there today. He stupidly calls my house back at 10:30. Normally, this might not be a bad move except everyone goes to bed at my house at 9:00. My bro-in-law was livid. I was amused and wondering what they would say to me the next day...which was today.

Today, my mum wakes up and starts going on about the whole marriage talk. She starts by saying she had a dream in which I brought someone to her, my ex-boyfriend actually and I was all over him, introducing him as my fiance. Then, she rounds up by asking who it was that called last night. I tell her, it was my friend, and narrate how upset everyone was that he called that "late". She refutes the fact that it was late, repeating Ryan's words coincidentally. The day was just a pup, how late really is 10:30. Then, she links that to her lecture on getting a date which I classify in my mind as operation get laid first before we get a man. She goes on and on about how I can get dates from the singles meetings in our church, that there are lots of eligibles in there. Whenever we have this talk, it makes me feel old, and nearing the pith of frustration. It makes me think, am I truly devoid of all youthfulness that I have to take advice from my mother about where to get a date? Then, I stare at my youthful face in the mirror for hours wondering when the late 20-something bitterness will set in then I walk around with a mopey look on my face all damn day.

IN the end, her conversation succeeded. To top it off, my sister calls me during the day asking me why the guy had called me for a "booty call." And I am like bewildered. I just got a callback from doing cupid for someone, not like anyone volunteers to do cupid for me, but it was just a callback. So everyone lighten the fuck up. It's not a date, not my boyfriend, not anything near it. Just a guy who happens to find me very interesting, interesting enough to want to chat with me evryday at work, and whom I find extremely amusing. No one's made me laugh as much as he does everytime we work together. No one. However, he is not my boyfriend, not my booty call, and nothing near affectionate towards me. I JUST NEED TO GET FUCKING LAID OKAY. Ahem...Trusting that marriage would come later.

So I go to work, sporting the mopey look all through the day. And guess who comes in after work to dissipate the lovely cheer we were all having as we were eating lunch. Him. Cute co-worker. Him. He doesn't talk to me. I don't look at him. Ryan had given me some sensitive advice which I should have given myself a long time ago. Ignore him. I did. It hurt so much too. It felt slightly childish. But I did. The hard part about it was, there was nothing to ignore because coincidentally (yes, I am using that word for the 3rd time) he ignored me too. I was like What The Fuck? Aren't you gonna even play with me and give me the pleasure of ignoring you? Nope. He didn't He sat far away from us and cuddled and smiled with every single one on my table except yours truly. I was like, "This is not getting any easier I can tell you that?" Someone will think we've had sex already. We hadn't, and already he's ignorin me, what if we had.

His worse than Sola I swear. But at least Sola would hint to you that you should meet him up later for sex. And then ignore you. Not before. Not because I gave him my freaking number. Are we lightening the fuck up around here? I would think I de-flowered him?

This whole thing is complicating my already depressing evening. I leave the little soiree which he had already made sour and head out to Target. And guess who calls: my best friend. I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

I am home now. I just wish something exciting would happen though. Like him calling, or someone calling even if it is my Ryan calling.

So I am not high. I wish I could be. It would take the edge off slightly.

Lovers Loss

I am so high, I can touch heaven.

I am so high I can touch heaven

....

Hero by Chad Kroeger

I am sipping on some Chardonnay right now, and reading through my mail after a very peaceful day at work.

Yes, peaceful in that I long for peaceful days now, drama-less days, days where I don't have to be told what to do, where to go, what I am doing wrong, cross anyone's path knowingly or unknowingly, get talked about. Yes, Drama-less days.

I had one today. One extra special one because I got to cover someone's shift so I made some extra money. It was all good. Some people liked my Afro and some didn't. Some people wondered why I took the luscious weave down so I told them I was rebelling and the "fro is my way of doing so. And they inquired as to what...but I didn't care. Home life is a bit edgy right now, and I haven't caught up with my finances until I do, THE 'FRO stays.

Cute co-worker came by today to eat with his family. I ignored him and he noticed but he didn't ask me why and I didn't wanna know why. I was so high on my own that I really didn't care. His mum might be British like he had mentioned sometime ago, I don't know, all I know is that she is butt-ugly and made the finest babies, how come? He stood around for awhile and he left just as unceremoniously as he came in. I am not worried, he'll be back if my self-confidence remains this way. He'll be back. Ryan at my other job said if he were him, he'd be jumping for joy to get a sexual request from an older woman. He'll be high, like I am now. But they must make men differently these days because, young blood wasn't leaping with excitement, he preferred to "hang out" with his friends over me. Isn't that sad? I was doing his dick a favor.

So until that time, I am still high. Happy with myself. Wishing home life and my finances were better but choosing not to dwell on it. Can't do anything about it now except hope. I've decided to revive my writing, my self-expression of love, hope, life, and me. It's the only way I cleanse myself from inside out. I can only fight to let the artist inside of me out, and unleash my hunger to the world in words.

Ignore me, I am high, pure and simple.

GEMINI

It should be fairly easy for you to make a positive impression on people right now. Whether you are single or attached, opportunities for new and improved relationships are bound to be all around you. This would be a great time to try to improve your communication skills, and don't forget to spend some time tending to any important career or social matters.

Your luck this week:

Love-A, Money-C, Work-B*

Signs to seek-Aquarius, Leo

Signs to avoid-Pisces, Sagittarius

I am fine.

A little bruised on the ego bit but I am fine. The events of yesterday with the whole crush confessional ordeal just hit my ego big time, and it left me wondering, if he could tell a total stranger, well, someone he is not the best of pals with this itty bitty detail of my talks with him how much more has he told the rest of the clique he has been hanging out with.

But I am fine. Last night, I stayed awake talking to my best friend's brother who always finds a way to crack me up. My friend is in London right now and may be coming here by next week tops. Maybe it is her number that's been dialing mine and I've been wondering who it was. Anyway, it feels good to know that real friends are on the way and hopefully all this lonesomeness will be clarified.

I woke up this morning slightly downcast, urging myself to forget about it, and I did, well until I got to work and thank goodness he wasn't there!

I just asked God to let me wake up one day and ask myself, "What was I thinking?" That day cannot come any sooner. It'll be better if he stopped hanging around me so much whenever he's working. He always comes to sit with us, or listen in on our conversations or just ask us a question sometimes even flirts with the other girl I work with. Why is he doing that, I wonder at times? But that day SHALL come, I see it in the future. I am Gemini, we forget people just like that. *snaps fingers*

I came home today slightly torn up that I don't have any wild weekend plans so as a consolation I glued my eyes on Sweet November. Let me feast my obsession on Keanu for now. It's healthy and holds less risk of ego damage.

Today was a weird kinda day, with loads of ups, and intricate downs.

Work was slow.

I didn't log on last night onto the computer because I was watching Vanilla Sky---a complete waste of my time and anybody else's who bothered to see it.

So work today was slow like I said. My crush and I had spoken yesterday and he had promised that today after work we would go do something together, something G-rated. Since he says I scare him too much so let's do something that isn't as scary as his imagination has led him to believe I am.

So there I was waiting for work to end, and it did. So I waited after work, waiting for him to come up to me to say, hey girl, okay let's go. But he didn't. Instead he just sat somewhere faraway from where I was sitting, and kept his gaze fixed on me, I could feel him boring a hole in the back of my shirt.

So I sit there wondering, should I go or should I stay? Should I ask him infront of all those people he was talking to, should I? Then, my new boss comes up to me and asks me to take some stuff to another store close by as a favor to all of them. I hesitate at first and then I go, inviting John, cute associate for which I had erotic dream about some days ago to come along with me. He didn't flinch he immediately jumped into my car and off we went.

Something about the conversation we had that blew me away. John is a lot deeper, older (just by a couple of years) and a lot more interesting than my crush is. But he said he isn't attracted to anyone at work. He said it repeatedly that I started to wonder if maybe he thought I liked him. I asked him why repeatedly but he just shyed away from the answer. He talked about how he spends so much, how he isn't ready for a relationship, how much money he is expecting to make when he gets out of school. The conversation was so innocent with underlying intelligence in it, that I had wished I had made my move first to John instead of old proud boy here.

We come back and my crush is still sitting in the same spot I left him eating this time. The flies around him have dispersed so I go on to ask him:

"So did you forget about our plans for today?

He replies, "No he didn't but he has to go play soccer in a couple of hours so what can we do..."

We move to a more quieter plae to talk and he says to me,

"I know you want to fuck my brains out."

To which I reply, "...among other things." He laughs cynically in response like that request would never be answered.

He asks me to teach him my language, what it sounds like to say, "I want to fuck you" in it. I say something else like "I wish I could bang your head against a wall for making me like you so much."

But to him I say something like, "I'll teach you sometime, maybe when we are in bed or something." He acts like he doesn't understand, so I use a line from Vanilla sky, "maybe in another time when we are both cats."

He laughs again, foolishly, annoying me that he has taken the hint but he just doesn't want to act on it.

The underlying annoyance of the whole conversations comes when someone sees us talking but decides to join us on our table. He immediately tells him, she wants to fuck my brains out. And the guy, whom I hardly talk to at work, replies, "hey, you are both adults, consenting adults so do whatever you both feel like. It's a free country."

I am so embarassed but I act like I am not so as not to show the truthfulness in the statement. He explains further that I was chatting him up because I wanted to hang out with him. I nod in response showing that this is the only part of the narrative I agree with. The other guy urges him on to call me, to take me somewhere then, invite me to go hang out with him and his friends, just do something. He agrees, I disagree quietly.

As I watch John from the back of my eye watching us talk for that long and the betrayal in his eyes just shows how confused he is about the nature of the whole thing, I stand up and head out the door disappointed in myself.

Yep! this is just deja vu of my past. It was so bad that I had to tell him that, "This is bad, It is so bad that I am actually begging you to hang out with you."

What kind of life is this? This is deja vu of all those days with Sola, when I used to beg him to invite me to his parties, to his boat, to his house, to call me. I thought I was moving forward in my life not going back to old hurts. This is so reminiscent of the past I ran away from.

The only reasonable thing he asked me all through our conversation was, why I didn't want to go visit my country, and for a minute he acted like he really wanted to know the answer, just for that split second, it seemed like he was interested in who I was, what am about, but then when the other guy came, it was arrogant, I want to fuck his brains out theme all through.

It was a semi-good day. I have no complains, just wish it had turned out better that's all. I am overwhelmed with sorrow for myself. I felt downcast this monring about this whole lack of friends, lack of clique bullshit and then the events of today just sorta reiterated it. Instead of clarifying my judgement of life it made it all the more foggy...which I didn't need at all.

I swear I need to lose weight.

Everytime I go to GAP to look at their sale items and I try the X-Large ones on, they always seem to fit horribly. I would hate to have to move onto a plus size but Geez! what is my body coming to. The worst part comes when I look at the outfit on the rack or whatever, and it looks so good but when it's on me, it looks like I need a fashion tip to stop wearing clothes that don't fit me. Not that they don't fit me, the ideal word should be suit me. Also, I have a host of others in my closet that don't fit at all. Not even one bit!

My weekend was wack! Beyond wackiness. I was broke as the bottom of an old tin cup and there wasn't any significant love interest in the picture. The only semi-goodness is I had fun conversations with some guy from work I have been friendly with, not the one I like, a much younger one that is just my friend. The one I like is seemingly running away from me, I can tell. Today, he calls the office to find out when he is supposed to work and he doesn't even realize he is talking to me. That's the second time someone's thought I was someone else on the phone in the same day. That is fine, but on his way out, he pinches me to tell me he is leaving and I taking the advice of the other friend from work, that said, Ignore him, casually ignore him, after all he ignored me on the phone, right.

However, this has nothing to do with my wacky weekend. You see why I need to lose weight. I need to rejuvenate myself from the inside out. Outside in isn't working too well.

Let's see how this week's measures up.
Horoscope:
GEMINI
A money matter could have you a bit confused, but don't expect any obvious answers to emerge just yet. Romance might provide an enjoyable escape, and the people around you should make you feel loved and needed. Just be prepared for a bit of craziness. As long as you don't expect anyone or anything to be on time, you should be okay.

Your luck this week:
Love-A, Money-C, Work-B*
Signs to seek-Libra, Leo
Signs to avoid-Sagittarius, Scorpio

Today would have been a fun day if I had gone out at all.

I woke up terribly exhausted after the intensely erotic night I had last night. I dreamt about screwing John. Weird! Because I don't even like John, and in the dream he liked me a lot, and he could screw too, very well, I might add. He had a large size dick and he could touch and feel for the right places and got me moaning immediately. I woke up in sweats and seemingly excited all over. My nightgown was up above my head and I was naked! Was this really a dream or my subconscious acting out a fantasy?

Note that John is not the cute guy for whom I have been targeting at work, cute guy is 6-2 John is like my height but with broader shoulders, and a firmer build, tighter ass....so why am I dreaming about intense sex with him? Geez, you would think I would get a grip, find one crushee and stick to him.

So I didn't go out today. I should. It is such a sad day at home, everyone's home and we just got a package filled with my brothers wedding pictures. Yep! those kind of images make you think, okay! when is my turn coming? He looked really happy in the pictures too, and she looked so excited like it was the happiest day in her life, which it is, but I don't want to be reminded of that, comon! I am still working on getting laid after a 2 year drought, marriage is like an arm, a leg and two heads beyong my reach right now.

This week did not work out anywhere near what my horoscope predicted, there was no love interest lurking in the corner, there was no significant other waiting to be revealed. It was ho-hum and placid. I am so amazed I expected something more from it. Just something, like me doing a happy dance of it happened.

I am such a die-hard when I want something, I so hate to lose, or fail to get it. Everything possible to achieve it that's me.

Today, cute boy comes up and stands beside me while I am working alone at the start of work. He looks at me, long and hard and smirks, keeps smirking. I start off ignoring him until I decide to act my age and respond.

"Hey, howya doing?" Then, I inquire about the mischievous smirk on his face I wonder where it is from, can it be from standing me up yet again 2 days ago, he is trying to make up for it with a smile. Nah! today's not that kind of day this is AM, I needed an explanation and I knew I wouldn't be getting any so I continue to scribble acting like he's not there. He stands beside me again, and I smell his skin, and see the hairs on his hands stand up. I wonder why is he doing this...why?

We exchange some small talk and he leaves, quickly, avoiding what should be a longer, more informal conversation.

At the end of work, he is walking out and screams out something to his friends. I run out to meet him, my stupid self does the walking for me. I ask him, "Why do you continue to jerk me around?" And he replies, mischievous smirk in hand, "you're the one who wants to jerk me around?"

I smile and shudder, so he knows that? He knows, then why the fuck doesn't he take a fucking clue? In response, I say, "And you know it?" He laughs and runs, as fast as his scrawny legs can, and I smile, hoping for another time when we can both exchange smiles, breaths, and possibly more.


Getting laid has never been so hard.

This was supposed to be for yesterday:

First:

I am high. I just had a chilled beer and some pizza and it succeeded in making me very high and sufficently inebriated to do some good writing. I wish this high lasted quite some time but unfortunately it doesn't. It faeds after about half an hour. Darn it!

Today at work, we had some bankers have an after meeting luncheon thing at our place. It was pretty exciting. When the lady said her AA set it up, I wished I had that AA's job. But small steps my dear, today I played the part of the restuarant AA tomorrow, it may actually be me setting the luncheon up.

I thought about my non-sexual state last night. I thought that maybe I am giving it too much air and thought time. I know I am an attractive woman, charming and very sensual. If anyone doesn't want to read the tell tale signs that I want them to screw my brains out then maybe there is a reason, like another girl, or gay, or just something.

I decided not to give it too much thought so much as to make it my priority or otherwise unless when the actual act may eventually happen I may have a lot less moaning and so much more fantasizing to do instead of just going with the flow. Besides, my mom is around, nothing like your mother to ruin your libido.

I am still so fucking high I can't believe it.

*Hums to herself sweetly.*

First:
Red Hot Chili Peppers got a 4-star rating from Rolling Stone magazine for their new album: By The Way. They are also playing tomorrow night in Atlanta. It will be fun just to go so I can see Anthony live wrapping his hands (and what not) around a mike. But I don't think I can. Don't you just wish I had those kind of friends that would say, hey, let's go rock out, and we're off to have a good time. Damn!

Now, onto the rough stuff. Another yet embarrassing moment with me and my crushee. I don't know why I even bother. edit: bother meaning; bother to tell anyone on LJ about it, bother my pretty head thinking about or doing something about it, or just bother putting it down in general. It makes me look decades younger than I am, that I "bother" about a boy.

It is bad, really bad. We talk, sometimes, he tries to catch my eye (according to my imagination) and sometimes I try to catch his and nope, he never catches it.

At first this morning, he was urging me to share a joke with him which I couldn't, because it was a female joke. Then, he asked further, why not? I went all...dumbfounded, does he really want to know? He replies, "Is it because I am white?" Dude, I am attracted to you already, we could share a heck of a whole lot more than some silly jokes. Don't you get it?

Then, later on in the day on his way home, I asked him to have lunch with me at 4 o'clock. He was in the midst of saying no to me when we got rudely interrupted by my manager and some other adoring fans. It was bad. Maybe the interruption actually saved me from more embarassment of having to hear him say NO to me. I remember what the other Ryan told me about warding off girls that asked him out that he didn't like. He said, he would gently avoid them just so he doesn't break their heart. I so should be used to this by now.


I NEED SOME FUCKING LOVE, DAMMNIT! HOW HARD CAN THAT BE...GEEZ!

Ponder Less

Well, I got my car in today, and it sounds fine. But I owe like a million bucks. Whoever says money cannot solve some of your problems was lying to you, dawg! I have a bill of at least a thousand dollars which I am hoping within 2 weeks I can pay off and rest easy so until I can get the freaking $1000 I am stuck with these issues and this pending money problem I can't get past.

But I thank God for EVERYTHING. I shouldn't complain, I shouldn't ponder too much. Today I was standing still at work and realized that it seems my most pressing problem has been ironed out. I am fine now, my eyes shouldn't have to cry no more. However, I felt like I should have been thinking or rather worrying about something else, and I wasn't. Maybe it was the sight of Ryan at work with me today, and the fact he didn't say more than 2 words to me all day made me think, okay maybe he is my next problem, perhaps I should ponder about him now

it takes every kind of people to make the world go round.

This horoscope deserves a happy dance considering my discussion topic for the past week.

GEMINI
It's time to put your dreams and ideas into action. Go ahead and ask your friends and family for any assistance you might need, and then get going. If you think that someone might be interested in you, you're probably right. Luck is with you, and any romantic prospects could eventually develop into something more significant.

Your luck this week:
Love-B, Money-C, Work-B*
Signs to seek-Leo, Aquarius
Signs to avoid-Virgo, Sagittarius

Life is so topsy turvy.

As I was flipping through this journal at my old entries, I realised that the emotions and insecurites I had as of last week are all trivial to the problems I am facing this week. You'd ask, what are these problems?

As of last week, I was hitting on someone. I still am. But it is really not my priority right now. I still see him but my heart doesn't go pitter patter anymore, and most of all, I can contain my self enough to know there is a time for work relationships, and with the dangling thread of my job thinning out, this may not exactly be the time.

Yesterday, on my way to my 2nd job which is a ritual I have been going through on Fridays, I finish one job and drive off within 20 minutes to the next one, just as I was doing that, my car started to smoke and the oil gauge started to beep badly. I bought about $17 dollars worth of oil and put in it, yet still the car was now overflowing with oil but the oil gauge still kept on beeping. At this point the car stopped moving and I was thus rendered stranded and had to chug it into the nearest service station, which had the sweetest staff working there.

This whole fiasco lasted for about 2 hours and in the end my car is still parked there, and is costing me $700 to fix. Yes, $700, that is almost a 100 hours worth of work that I have to put in to make that amount of money. Now, I am driving my bro-in-law's car to at least go to work this weekend, and my car is still in the shop until whenever I can make up that amount.

This morning, my sister charged it to her credit card and told me I could pay for it instalmentally back to her when and how much I could afford. At this point in time, I am wondering, I better not lose my job or else, I can't pay that amount of money back and I shall lose both the car payments and the original amount of money that I owe her.

This was one sucky time I so didn't want my horoscope to be right. Fuck! it hurt to miss work. It hurt to have this amount of debt, and it hurt most of all because I just started driving this car about a month ago. So you can see, the problems of this week far outweigh my need to get laid, and surpass my need to satisfy a sexual itch. I have to keep my job, I have to make some more money, I have to create sopme time for myself in between all these. I just have to move forwards instead of backwards all the damn time. I have to avoid all this drama in my life somehow at some time. I have to.

I just wanted to say thanks to anyone who bothered to read about my lovey dovey gibberish from yesterday. It means a lot to me.

I agree with all what you guys had to say.

Sometimes I feel I lack the nerve to boldly go after things like these that I actually want. If you've been reading this, can you remember my boss that I had a crush on some months ago of which the chemistry was to my observation very intense, whom convienently got a transfer so he no longer works with us.

I remember when I liked him so much and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. In my mind, I suspected he liked me too. I actually remember our last conversation when I told him that I would miss him and he mumbled, "aww that's sweet," there was nothing I could do except watch him slip away. I just think this time around, I CAN do something about it.

Though each time I feel these things there is something always working against my favor. (the first time it was the boss factor, now it's the age factor) I just feel why am I wasting time when there is so much I can be exploring with my self, and my passions and my body. (the horny mind speaks)

The important thing is I feel this urge and it is strong, and it bothers me that for the second time, I can't do anything about it.

Yesterday, as I was flashing my new drivers licnece to my friend at work, he crept up besides me and grabbed it from my hand, immediately his eyes fell on the birthdate (darn it?!) and he squeaked..."that's my older brother's age" I felt the earth fall down and swallow me at that point. I guess that was strike one. He had asked me before how old I was and I never told him having him find out was just...ouch!

But I shan't force it. If the gods see it as the chance to get my cobwebs cleared and removed, so shall it be. One can't force these things unless we'd turn into stalkers.

I'll try to fill you in as the days go by.

Pretend you dont know me, when in fact you don't. But I just want to ask this very personal question (i'd be bummed if no one replied)

Okay, put in bits it goes this way.
1) I am 28 years old
2) I haven't had sex in 2 amd half years
3) There's this 19/20 year old guy I work with that I am soo attracted to right now.
4) do you think if I asked him to have sex with me he'd say no?
5) what do you think are the repercussions
i) will I fall hopelessly in love with him?...I don't think I can, judging from the fact that his 20 year old intellect may not lure me hopelessly into his web but let's just assume for a second shall we.
ii) will he tell evryone about it?
iii) will I lose my self-respect in front of him and all his other teeny weenies if they should find out or when I see him turning his charms onto another person?
iv) or will I lose my self-respect in general?
v) what are the odds of him saying NO to me...hmmm?

Is this a venture I should pursue? I have finally decided that it is one of the main reasons why I've been losing sleep, this and many other things. I am just so hot right now, when I see him and when I don't.

If you are reading this now, please say a word....please. I need another opnion asides from my horny one.

I don't know what's wrong with me, for the past 5 days I haven't been sleeping well. It all started from Thursday, then Friday when I cried myself to sleep until today. Last night was the worst.

I woke up from an anxiety twist in my stomach sometime around 1 am. And me being the stupid person I am, I thought it was 4 am, which would have left me with only a few more hours to go until morning. After I spent close to an age relieving myself in the bathroom, I jumped on my bed and couldn't get myself to fall back to sleep.

I did everything, prayed, sang praise songs, daydreamt about lying on the floor fucking Keanu's brains out while he tortures me with soft kisses on my forehead. Everything. And then from thinking good thoughts, I sunk into thinking bad thoughts. I thought about my woes, how old I am and how it scares me that I haven't had love or gone on at least a date for 2 and a half years. The fact that every guy I have given my cell phone number to in this country has neglected to call me, and that a career evades myself so. Yep, the negative thoughts just kept on coming.

Out of the blues, I grabbed the cell phone in question and rummaged through my scanty phone book for who I would disturb at 2:15 in the morning with my lamentations. I tried my ex in NJ but his phone must have been disconnected because there was no response and then I tried my best friends younger brother in Connecticut. He answered quite cheerily I must add.

The excitement in his voice at hearing from me just made the wake up call worthwhile. He was in the middle of a booty call so he didn't have much time to yap with me. I invited him to go to LA with me, he concurred and asked that we jet off as soon as the money for the trip arrives, like we would leave the next day. It was just one of those very amusing conversations that makes you realize that you have people somewhere that do love you and are happy to hear from you even at 2 in the morning.

I went to bed sometime after 4 and had the most freakish dream ever. I dreamt I was looking for this place, this store in a dilapidated mall that I urgently had to go to, and then, I came across this nude beach where everyone was bathing naked. Some of my ex-co workers were there, and some of my present ones were there too. The present ones were too shy to join in, but did soon enough. Just seeing the guys bare dicks as they pranced around the lake naked was a freaky sight. Perhaps because I haven't been confronted with a naked man in the longest time, or because some of the faces in it were people I used to work with, I don't know. It was a crazy psychotic dream with no meaning whatsoever.

I left the lake, pleading to join them after I had found the store I was searching for. And I did. But I can't recall if I did jump into that lake naked or clothed.

It was a weird night, I admit. I think it all stemmed from the bold and daring move I made yesterday by giving that guy my number which was so out of my character. I thought about the consequences of that so deeply. He came into work today after my shift had ended and I had sat down to eat, smiling and chuckling at me. I totally ignored him because I was in the middle of a conversation with someone when he pranced by. He touched my elbow, tugging it to get a laugh outta me, and then the girls came surrounding him with girly questions and snickers about how cute he is, that was when I knew that was my exit.

I won't push it or force it. I'll just let it happen naturally. If it does, if it doesn't oh well, another one bites the dust. I just want to get laid, how difficult is that these days...Geez? You would think I was so unattractive or something. The weird thing about this all is that my friend's younger brother is actually much older than he is. Isn't that freaky? Much freakier than my dream, I'd say.

I should stop here. It wasn't meant to be this long, I swear, I just couldn't stop typing. I guess my depression has escalated to the point where I need to say these things to someone other than myself, or my mother, and they would totally creep her out too.

A Hairy Update

In between my last update, I've changed hairstyles, had a tumultuous quarrel with my family, been asked by my new crushee if he could accompany me back to Africa and worked 18 hours this weekend. And you thought I wasn't busy.

On Friday night, the quarrel ensued. Let me spare you all from the horrid details, all I can say is if you read my journal you'd know that there is something always amiss in my house with my bro-in-law and I. Well, unsuspecting I came home after a double shift on Friday having no idea that he was rearing his head for a fresh one. But this time around my mum was home, so the quarrel sorta went the wrong way and everyone kinda was forced to say stuff they've either had in mind forever and been dying for an opportunity to say, or just felt like crying our eyes out in front of each other with tearful confessions.

The tears were mostly cried by me. I shall refrain from emphasizing why, the general state is: I NEED SOMETHING NEW AND FRESH AND WONDERFUL TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM ALL THIS SAMENESS. I Used to Have fun.

Being that, I slept with tears in my eyes, and my eyes were blood shot the next day for my 2nd double duty at work. And because of all thesweat and tears from the day before my weave itched all night, so I woke up in the morning and decided to take it off and wash it, leaving with my Afro a la red tints at the ends.

Thinking I was ugly and repressed looking with the swollen eyelids and "fro'ed hair, I got to work and got everyone oohing and aahing about my look to the extent even I was shocked as to why they really liked it, when in fact, I didn't.

That was when he, couldn't take it anymore. I had noticed him and his friends in the corner talk and whisper about the new look, not knowing if it was a good whisper or not. He casually walked up to me, and began his very own oohing and aahing, and asked me to take him back to Africa with him, that he had a tremendous interest in our culture and our dances (?!)

All through the weekend, I got compliments for the Afro that I was too shy to unveil, and finally tonight, I decided to cover up some part of it in a weave thing-half weave half "fro-the Foxy Brown thing, I am not ready for right now. Perhaps when the movie nears I may be, not now.

So it's been one helluva weekend, and my horoscope says the week coming doesn't have much in store, but it has been proved wrong before, so I hope this time around I get goodness, Love and happiness. The last time it said I would have peace, who knew a quarrel among family was brewing. Fucking Crap!

I shall conclude this angry entry with my innermost thoughts: 

I need to get Laid, I need to go out on some kind of date, I need to have fun, let my hair ("fro or otherwise) down. I just need something that would let me loose. I just need to have FUN period in lots of doses and to stop worrying about a whole bunch of things I can't change for myself.

Leaving work I thought of dropping my number on the African perpetrators car, inviting him to call me so we can hook up or alternatively get hooked, but I don't know, at the last minute I thought otherwise. I am not ready to embarass myself with unreciprocated advances right now. It would hurt more than anything else.

So that was my weekend. Are we expecting fireworks or what?!

He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor
rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high as
the heavens are above the earth, So great is His loving
kindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east
is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions
from us.

I love that last sentence, He has removed our transgressions from us. Amen to that!