I don't know what's wrong with me, for the past 5 days I haven't been sleeping well. It all started from Thursday, then Friday when I cried myself to sleep until today. Last night was the worst.

I woke up from an anxiety twist in my stomach sometime around 1 am. And me being the stupid person I am, I thought it was 4 am, which would have left me with only a few more hours to go until morning. After I spent close to an age relieving myself in the bathroom, I jumped on my bed and couldn't get myself to fall back to sleep.

I did everything, prayed, sang praise songs, daydreamt about lying on the floor fucking Keanu's brains out while he tortures me with soft kisses on my forehead. Everything. And then from thinking good thoughts, I sunk into thinking bad thoughts. I thought about my woes, how old I am and how it scares me that I haven't had love or gone on at least a date for 2 and a half years. The fact that every guy I have given my cell phone number to in this country has neglected to call me, and that a career evades myself so. Yep, the negative thoughts just kept on coming.

Out of the blues, I grabbed the cell phone in question and rummaged through my scanty phone book for who I would disturb at 2:15 in the morning with my lamentations. I tried my ex in NJ but his phone must have been disconnected because there was no response and then I tried my best friends younger brother in Connecticut. He answered quite cheerily I must add.

The excitement in his voice at hearing from me just made the wake up call worthwhile. He was in the middle of a booty call so he didn't have much time to yap with me. I invited him to go to LA with me, he concurred and asked that we jet off as soon as the money for the trip arrives, like we would leave the next day. It was just one of those very amusing conversations that makes you realize that you have people somewhere that do love you and are happy to hear from you even at 2 in the morning.

I went to bed sometime after 4 and had the most freakish dream ever. I dreamt I was looking for this place, this store in a dilapidated mall that I urgently had to go to, and then, I came across this nude beach where everyone was bathing naked. Some of my ex-co workers were there, and some of my present ones were there too. The present ones were too shy to join in, but did soon enough. Just seeing the guys bare dicks as they pranced around the lake naked was a freaky sight. Perhaps because I haven't been confronted with a naked man in the longest time, or because some of the faces in it were people I used to work with, I don't know. It was a crazy psychotic dream with no meaning whatsoever.

I left the lake, pleading to join them after I had found the store I was searching for. And I did. But I can't recall if I did jump into that lake naked or clothed.

It was a weird night, I admit. I think it all stemmed from the bold and daring move I made yesterday by giving that guy my number which was so out of my character. I thought about the consequences of that so deeply. He came into work today after my shift had ended and I had sat down to eat, smiling and chuckling at me. I totally ignored him because I was in the middle of a conversation with someone when he pranced by. He touched my elbow, tugging it to get a laugh outta me, and then the girls came surrounding him with girly questions and snickers about how cute he is, that was when I knew that was my exit.

I won't push it or force it. I'll just let it happen naturally. If it does, if it doesn't oh well, another one bites the dust. I just want to get laid, how difficult is that these days...Geez? You would think I was so unattractive or something. The weird thing about this all is that my friend's younger brother is actually much older than he is. Isn't that freaky? Much freakier than my dream, I'd say.

I should stop here. It wasn't meant to be this long, I swear, I just couldn't stop typing. I guess my depression has escalated to the point where I need to say these things to someone other than myself, or my mother, and they would totally creep her out too.