so glad it's June 30th

I am so glad this month is over. For a birthday month, it certainly lacked some much needed Ooomph! I had a feeling it would be that way after trading email jabs with some idiotic admirer on the 1st, being completely ignored on the 6th & 7th, and trading raunchy fruitless messages with CNN guy on the 9th & 10th. Got officially rejected by the ICC. Then, finally telling a guy to "act like a gentleman on the 19th. That was just a set up for a very weak month. And the weekend ended just as unceremoniously as it started. Much lacking in Ooommph! There's more fizzle but you all know the rest. For the sake of simplicity, it is not a good start to the summer. To the first half of the year. This is the half way point to this year, so it's not a good score that in the first half of 2008 that I established myself as a 33-34 year old woman who is eager to "get married" but can't even score a boyfriend. Weak start, one can only ask that God was just prepping us for more activity, good activity....I just hope He's saying with a smirk on His face..."Now the fun begins, Anita. Now the fun begins."

More on the human touch or lack thereof

Courtesy of the wonderful writers of the Oscar-winning movie Crash (If I only knew their names or their weblink I would give them a better shoutout) But this is one of the reasons why I (would like to) write. It's just so poignant, so direct, and characteristic of human behaviour. It always makes you stop to think and replay the realism. If it plays a part in your realism is another story.

-It's the sense of touch.

-What?

-Any real city, you walk, you know?
You brush past people.
People bump into you.
In L.A., nobody touches you.
We're always behind
this metal and glass.
I think we miss
that touch so much
that we crash into each other
just so we can feel something.

Am I my brother's keeper?

I read this very poignant NY Times article - Won't You Be My Neighbor by Peter Lovenheim that reiterated thoughts that I have seldom echoed on this journal. Basically, that this is a loveless keep-to-yourself-do-not-care-selfish society. Even when I lived in surburbian Georgia, people always sort of kept to themselves to the point that if you screamed, no one will run out to help you. No one would even bat an eyelid. They simply do not care enough to disrupt their morning coffee. Have we all become "God's madmen?"With all the advent of Internet blogging and communities (Facebook, Myspace, etc), we are all so eager to make friends online, with people we cannot see, while the ones right in front of us are in dire need of an outstretched hand.

Hello / Goodmorning....seems like a thing of the past.

Tonight, I cried

Tonight I cried for no particular reason. You know what, I take that back, I know why. Just 2 weeks ago I was on top of the world and tonight, I am crying, and then I cleaned my floors. Two things I hate to do.

I cried because it's been 10 months since I've been working out obsessively and yet no change. I daresay I have the worst "middle-age spread" now than I had before. I cried because I am still single and I spend evenings where no one calls me except my mother. I cried because in a big city like this, and me living in the heart of it, I still can't find someone to spend an afternoon lunch or coffer with when I want to. I just cried. I am just tired. I am trying so hard but God seems to be looking the other way. The other way...

blast from the past

One of my "blasts from the past" called me today and I missed the call. 

He actually called twice. Didn't leave a message. He called at the exact moment I got up to go to the printer. Why's that? I really would have liked to talk to him. Called him back, no response. Sent him a text, nothing major. I guess it was a spur of the moment thing for him and I wasn't there to take in the moment. 

Karma/Fate/Cupid seems to be screwing with my love life. Doesn't it seem to understand that I am 34, I can only stay single for so long. I can't keep storing all this for someone by the time they get here it will be old and wrinkly. The same thing happened that one Sunday last week, I was at my sister's house when CNN guy called to hook up with me, I couldn't invite him to my house because I was not there. Why that one time I was away from home on a Sunday did he choose to call? 

Cupid/Fate/Karma....please listen up, we need to sort this out, consult with God if you need to, He will tell you how many times I have prayed for this ish, you need to help me out a little bit. I just need something to surface because I am tired of being single.

With all the bad timing, I checked my horoscope and bam:

You'll be afraid of the power of your feelings today with Venus opposite Pluto. Your sexuality will be strong and intense. You may become obsessed with someone and go too far. Keep your emotions in balance, and be realistic.

It's a good thing I've deleted all the numbers from my phone so I wouldn't run the risk of calling any of these people who care but don't seem to care enough.

I just need a little of your time

I loved the incredible love story in the Incredible Hulk. It seemed genuine to me. In some ways it reminded me of the American Werewolf in London, that underneath this incredible beast is this warm person that connects with only one person and that one person is able to tame him, calm him and quell his rage. I particularly enjoyed the scene where Liv Tyler's Betty catches a glimpse of Bruce Banner in the pizza parlor. She is having a conversation with her current love but just a glimpse of Bruce ends that conversation, she just stops, and moves towards him, she completely ignores her current love, and halts everything to go find him. It reminds me of me. If the time ever came and I was killing time with someone and he (KR, Shola, doesn't matter either one will do) came along, all bets are off, I would instantaneously end whatever it is that I am in to completely devote myself to him. It's just that simple. Whoever wrote that piece must have been in that kind of situation or met me.

So why this update? The weekend was ho-hum. It's sad going into the weekend broke is not a good thing. Lately, I've been striking out dirt in the men department. Nothing seems to be working. And then of course, there's the CNN asswipe. I am in like with a complete idiot. I don't know what's wrong with me? We went through the same round of text messages last night, initiated by yours truly. I asked to call him in a bit and he said he would call me but of course he didn't, and I don't think at the time he said that he was planning to. It's just rejection of something you haven't even tried. All I wanted to do was talk, to talk to him, to try and have a decent conversation, like Jill Scott said, "Let's take a long walk." I just wanted to talk, and if we have nothing to talk about, then...we should both stop randonmly calling each other and call it quits. But he didn't call and I didn't want to turn to Glenn Close so I didn't call either. I just spent the evening hating myself for even trying. I just haven't had someone reject me without even trying it out. Because quite frankly, there's nothing he can give me, not money, not love, not romance, maybe just some of his time and probably a whole lot of sex (possibly mediocre sex, we'll never know). But that's about it. So why am I in this laborious, borderline Glenn Close state, pray tell? I just haven't had someone reject me without trying it out. At least try it out, if you figure we have nothing in common, or something doesn't sound right, then reject me not right off the bat....meanwhile you are supposedly single.

In other news, work sucks but what else is new. See how my life pans out!!!

H&M

Who woulda thunk it? No, not I.

I actually live 2 buildings from the new H&M store in Atlanta. This is so amazing to me for several reasons. London, circa 2000, H&M store (Hennes) was my new found obsession, trendy clothes at affordable prices, what's not to like. Oh, I shopped there a lot. 

Ever since then, every new city I've visited in the U.S. before I set off on my trip I "Mapquest" the closest H&M to the hotel, to the train station, to any landmarks, because I know just as well as I'd visit the museum, I would have to stop over at the H&M store for some much-needed retail therapy. It's always been one of the first stops on my trip. Chicago, Philadelphia, St. Louis, New York (had the finest one) and San Fran. As a matter of fact, it was the first destination on my San Francisco trip from March 2007. I dropped off my bag at the hotel, took my "Mapquested" H&M directions which indicated that the store was within walking distance (I made sure of that) and I set off, ending up spending about 3 hours straight at the store. Yes, I was that obsessed. Now, that it's one building away, amazingly one building away, will the fascination die down? I missed out on the Kodak moment of eager shoppers camped out waiting for their doors to open at Noon today.

I am still so baffled. It just goes to show you that everything comes full circle. Maybe, the international law career of which I seek will one day be just a few steps away but never far from my reach.

Work Funk

I have just been in a bad work funk since I got back from my vacation high. Bad, as in, get me outta here bad. The company does not regard us, as in the people that do what I do, as anything, because essentially we are not attorneys. We may have law degrees and masters degrees in law, but we do not have JD's and that's all that matters, and they dummy us down so much that before you know it, you start to dummy yourself down. And you start to settle for what you have and assume you've amounted to all you can be and then comes complacency. And I just hate complacent people.

I've just been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. One I need to change my cell phone number again, so I can start afresh, with a clean slate and a new number. And two, I need to start making plans to change this situation for the better...to make a drastic change. I have been sitting idly by in working on something else. That something else is not working, so let's get back to the program -- we need to restructure this shit, because this shit is starting to stink and it's taking away my sense of wellbeing, my self-worth and my enthusiasm for life.

Madmen

We've all become God's madmen...Anthony Hopkins in Legends of the Fall.

I couldn't help thinking about this line as I described my debasing text message tryst to a friend of mine earlier today. Stepping away from the problem you start to see, objectively, just how stupid you acted. You start to realize that you were a "madman", a madman...for love.

text message

I had another round of desperate text message exchanges with CNN guy last night. I don't know what's wrong with me. It is a sad thing when you like someone, it's like they can do no wrong and they punish you liking them. You want to hate them, and really they are not deserving of any good thing from you, but you just end up falling and pursuing them all over again like a desperate teenager. I just feel like all the strength and willpower I built up during the weekend was torn down because of my attempts at luring him to my house, none of which worked and all of which had me awake until 5am this morning. In the end I had to confess to him at 3AM:

Thx for getting me all hot and bothered. I'm sure you've figured that I like you even tho I don't know why and I wish I didn't. Let me know when you want to do something.

Needless to say that last line should have read: It must feel good being the asshole of the year. But it didn't. And I still think no matter how honest the text was, he will still not get a clue.

Update

So my birthday was just grand. I am still hung over from it. It was superb, more superb than I would have imagined. I spent a reasonable amount of time stuck in traffic trying to shuffle from place to place, but overall, I am still grinning from the amount of fun I had. Just a quick rundown...

The eve of, I went to a little apartment meet and greet thingie at Dolce. Met up with some would be tenants, drank, talked, and had fun. Bought myself some tee-shirts from Minoritees.com, very fashionable and eccentric, and it was $50 off a $100 purchase which amounted to so much more for me. Bumped into my co-worker neighbor in front of Atlantic Grill, we talked laughed and chatted up the new neighbors' man problem. Then, had dinner, went to bed at a little after 1am watching Hav Plenty - very good movie by the way I wonder what happened to him.

The day of - June 6th. Did not get that much sleep, tossed and turned eventually waking up at 8am. Walked over to Starbucks for some good coffee and relaxation. Got the usual Happy Birthday phone calls from my family. Went to Dillards to get the Ben Sherman t-shirt that I glanced on sale, then got dressed to go to church. Made it just in time. After mass went to my birthday lunch at Blue Ridge Grill, where the table I had reserved was decorated with Birthday confetti fitting for such a momentous occasion. The food was subpar, but the service was top notch. I particularly enjoyed having the mental break and reflective moment just sitting there eating, sipping on champagne, and taking in the day. Went to World of Coca-cola. Reminded me of being in a new city, which was the feeling I was going for. I hardly ever go to that part of town so it felt like seeing something new. I cut across Centennial Olympic Park walking to the Coke building, and because it was the start of summer and a particularly hot day kids were playing at the water fountain. There were these cute kids who saw me taking pictures and insisted that I take a picture of them. And I obliged them. Every time I think of them, I smile. It was hilarious. Then, I came home - took me an hour to dress up for the concert. Went to the concert and the dumbass singer took over an hour to emerge from her dressing room. I only got to see the opening act - Vinx - before I had to leave to join my friends for dinner. I had invited about 6 people, but as you can see from the picture below, only 2 people showed up. But I didn't want to let that dampen my day. We had dinner and went downstairs to join the rest of the "party" as they termed it at the restaurant. It actually turns into a night club at 11pm, very cheesy niteclub, with the cheesiest hip-hop this side of Atlanta. But I was high from it being my Birthday so I didn't care.

Went to bed at a little after 2am...and that was it. Wonderfully wonderful. My only regret is that I didn't get to see the artist that I had paid hard money to see, but she took too damn long to come out of her dressing room and begin the show. And so it is Sunday and I am hungover badly from all the weekend outings. It got really tiresome but enjoyable, like I said, I am going to ease out on the outings for a while and concentrate on other things...yes, I am. I didn't get anyone's number and nobody asked me for mine. Hopefully, that's not a sign of another drought to come. It was just me living the life, racking up credit card bills and taking it all in. Ready for being 34 and single, hopefully not for too much longer. And I prayed for that as well.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

And so it is ...my 34th Birthday!!!

In hindsight...

This morning I couldn't help thinking that all things being equal I should have been in Miami right about now. I would have been wrapped up in a sarong, sipping a Mai Tai, hung over but feeling good, and tanned red and blue. I would have been exhausted but feeling good, giddy, elated out of mind, and excited to be in a new city. I would have saved myself from the very fruitless weekend I encountered, from the horrendous stalking that was my cross to bear yesterday and the boring dinners that cost too much but contributed too little to my wellbeing. But life had some other plans I suppose, and even though I am not enjoying the alternate plans, I can't help wishing I should have bitten the bullet and driven myself up there.

And just as well, I came across this email today, this last desperate plea that I sent to my friend on 04/30/08 in an effort to save me from this here boring week. You would think that this would move him to at least to say, "I wish I could but I just can't." He didn't even respond. Not a peep from him. I must have that effect on people.

Dear *Anita's Friend:

I really need this vacation, for reasons I can only disclose to you in person. And I would really like to go to Miami. So please give it some more thought and let me know. I will owe you big time for this. I know it's weird that I am asking you for this favor, but you are one of my oldest (American) friends. And I somewhat trust you :-)

Have a good day and let me know your response when you can.

*Name Withheld for no particular reason.

boring weekend

What a boring weekend. Everywhere I choose to go to ended up being the wrong place, no activity, nothing remotely thrilling. Nobody called me and I didn't call anybody. Nobody came to see me and I didn't go to see anybody. I spent so much money on everything and anything but achieving fun itself. Even the movie I chose to watch left me a little unsatisfied. I just plain existed and nothing dramatic came of it. This is a huge total contrast to last weekend. It was just a little dry for my taste.

As an aspiring writer who tries to achieve the emotional element in a script, there are a million and one things I could say that went wrong with the Sex and the City movie. It just needed reworking so badly that I am surprised they were able to come up with a budget for such a weak script. Even the movie left me a little wanting.

I don't know what's wrong with me. It takes a lot to get me excited these days so much so I don't know what works anymore. But whatever was the in the air this weekend, it didn't work. I am bored out of my mind.