A lot has happened since I last wrote in you, and it's been somewhat good, and somewhat irrelevant, I just feel like since I have this computer right next to me that means I can work on my writing a lot more now, even with the irrelevant ones. And yes, I am still addicted to it! And yes, I also worked on refurbishing the website.

-I did a few things on that list I wrote 2 days ago. However, my family is forcing me to add some more to it, eg, do my hair, or get hair in some kinda shape. I don't know, there really is no room for that anywhere, no room or no money. I have maxed every card I have, and the worst part is that I better be able to pay it back, if not chapter 7 will be ringing close to home for me. So the hair's just gonna have to wait, I don't think one's hair affects her work, I have seen worse, trust me.

-My sister got her scan in today and it's a boy, she is sooooo excited. Her husband is grinning from ear to ear, I myself had no doubt that she was going to have a boy, why because, I was personally tired of the whinning from the girls, it was about time for a boy. She is ecstatic with happinness. All her husband could tell me was: It will happen for you someday. I sorta feel funny when people say that, like I am envious or secretly wishing for it to be my turn soon enough. Maybe, but it is not in the agenda for 2003 that much I can tell you. Wish it was!

-I turned in my resignation at work, a bit apprehensive and wondering what am I doing, I am actually terminating myself! How often does that happen, it was what I prayed for, to leave on my own, Because I feared everyone's days in that place were numbered, and I couldn't take mine being drawn before I had a chance to prepare. But there I was terminating myself, it felt good, but I was a bit uncertain too, but praying to God for guidance all the way through. I was expecting them to at least show some concern, but they didn't...they never do actually, remember Chili's, spent 8 months there, and no one batted an eyelid when I left. Shame. I thought people would have grown a heart by now.

-It turns out I am working on April 4th, the opening day for A man apart, the new VIn Diesel movie which I have been anticipating since February...so I can't watch it on opening day like I would have loved to. Isn't working a delightful change from the I-have-no-life state of awaiting a movie's release like it's going to change my life somewhat, a lifestyle I have become so accustomed to for 3 years now. I welcome the change, with any luck I may even be able to afford a later showing.

I have to write my brother now, and tell him the good news which I am sure my sister would also tell him. It doesn't hurt if he hears it from 2 people now.

Wish me luck, pray for me, and I hope this is the change I prayed for. Amen.

Why am I craving Indian food at 11:50 pm? You know, the kind with plenty of curry, spicy as hell and gives you the worst runs ever...that kinda Indian food, it's been forever since I had that kind. I am having anxiety week. I bought a leather chair for my table, an alarm clock that doesn't light up in the dark, and I just bought this murder-mystery book called Murder Me Now for a dollar that looks pretty good. I have a million and one things to do, and I haven't started doing them, I don't even know where to start.

-Call someone about directions to downtown office for supposed 11 o'clock appointment tomorrow.

-Attend 11 o'clock appointment, looking as spiffy as possible and trying not to make a fool of myself.

-Go to work at the other side of town, trying hard not to be late at 1 o'clock

-Write resignation letter for work to be turned in tomorrow, and sugarcoat it as to why I am leaving on such short notice.

-Arrange clothes, bringing formal wear and formal shoes to the front of closet, whilst pushing inside casual and non-conforming wear.

-Arrange car. (that could take a while)

-Take car for routine oil change and tire rotation possibly on a coupon deal.

-See Dreamcatcher before the weekend.

-Go to Rich's and use coupon before the 31st.

-Find out shortest and best beat-morning-traffic route to get to Decatur.

-Pray I do not fuck this up.


So with all these and more, why am I craving Indian food by midnight?

Anxiety attacks are killing me, and I can't think of anything better

And so we pray

I suddenly feel the need to say a prayer tonight.

I don't know why, perhaps slightly because I woke up this morning without praying, I spent about an hour and a half daydreaming that I was stuck in this love triangle, that is me as Shelia in a love triangle with Ke and Vin, Me dating Vin but having Ke secretly want me, I guess that was my subdued prayer inside. However, in between all that stupidity, mostly mine, I thought to myself that once I got to the nice conclusion where I would have to choose--a decision I don't think I can manage even in real life-- and surprise surprise at who gets chosen, and when the daydream ends then would I commit the day that I have started off nicely to God. That time never came because the dream went on and on, and then my nieces started to cry and I woke up abruptly. So you see I had good intentions in there somewhere, though my mind couldn't get past the image I had concocted of Vin screwing me and whispering with his deep voice how good I felt. I am a bad, bad girl.

So now that the day has started and my long winded and uncertain week is ahead of me, which is so scary cos' you all know how my week can be, I feel the need to say a prayer.

Dear Lord, Words cannot begin to express, how much I pray that this week in my life is committed into God's hands, I pray that You shall remember me, commit my problem which has been recited ever so often that you must be tired of hearing it, commit it to fruition dear Lord, and remember me in Your blessings, in your goodness and in everything that I do not represent, make me a light of Your peace and I shall continually remain indebted to You for my life.

Forgive me all my transgressions and stupidity and protect me and my family from all evil. 

Amen.

Coffee House Ambitions

I got my laptop...I got my laptop.

So I can fulfil my coffee house dreams with it, concentrate on my writing, work on my dwindling MS office knowledge and so much more.

It does have a lot to get used to do. First of all, it doesn't have a compartment for diskettes, sad, and since all my old stuff is stored in the old computer geez! what to do until then, how to transfer it. Also, the keys in it are all screwed up that my typing is a little slow and messed up.

All in all it is wonderful I can't complain, why else would I be awake at 1 o'clock in the morning, playing with it, like a new toy, hope I don't get tired of too soon.

But the coffee house ambition will have to wait awhile I heard laptop theft is really on the rise, I cannot afford to lose this one no matter what.

Okay, so my interview yesterday didn't go too good. I found myself reciting he word "Initiated" one too many times. The lady I could tell couldn't understand some of the words I used, like "decipher, reiterate" she had that blank look like what is she talking about.

First of all, she ticked me off when she said, we do not pay anything above $10 an hour. That was weird. Travel downtown in the traffic for an 8-5 job and you cannot pay me more than $10 for that. That is torture. All this was said before we started the interview so I guess I just lost interest and felt, this was not really worth my time. I felt so bad for my mum though because she was hoping on it so much, she even had me touch the priest on Sunday to get a blessing from him for it.

*gnarls teeth* I hope this isn't one of my bad career decisions.

I just sent my fax message to Mellissa Libby (yes, I finally got the fax machine yesterday), one of the most embarassing things I've had to do by far. I can just imagine her face when she reads it and says, "who the heck is this wanker?" Hopefully, (or unfortunately however you care to look at it) she will never meet me to find out, who I am or what I look like.

*hides face in shame from her desperate plea to branch into public relations*

This morning when we woke up there was no water, yep, no water, it stopped running and everyone had a semi-fit. The kids didn't know what to do with a cup of water, and I was hilariously in a trance. I had to ask myself what happenend whilst I was asleep, did I wake up in Enugu, or at least Lagos by chance. Those were the hard times of my life when I went to school for 6 years in a town that didn't have good pipeborne water, we had to scrape and scramble and fight and curse for water every week, every time. It was a nightmare, if I wake up with cold sweats you'd know why.

Yet, I realized this morning what I had run away from, the struggle, to a different kind of struggle here. Struggle for a future, a determined pleasing proud of my self and my achievements future. Yes, there are people who live in Africa without water, and we survive just like every other struggle that is placed before us, we survive it. I told my mum, I understand I may have had it hard but I like how it made me turn out, I can deal with rejection albeit, very reluctantly accept it, and I know what it is to want and want and want so much and not get it, but it just helped toughen me for the journey ahead and helped me realize, I can't always have it easy, even if I tried, i.e. by moving to the greates country in the world. Those trials and tribulations will still follow me.

It's 11 o'clock and my phone hasn't rang. I am worried. Slightly.

Why did Bush have to declare war this week of all weeks, I feel like I was on the verge of a breakthrough and his little hissy fit is just going to distract anyone from giving me a chance.

When two stubborn elephants fight, the grass underneath them suffers....welcome to the suffering.

Guess who started obsessing about nothing more today. moi!

Look at this: The Moon and Mercury continue to move along together and are highlighting your career and public image. If you are aiming for a new position or a new job, you could do very well. You will be inspired to say all the right things.


I see clues even when they don't exist. Ouch! I just got a semi-rejection letter now. You know those kinda letters where people say give us some time to look through the resumes and we'll get back to you. And then you wiat for 2 months, (well, I don't wait for that long but I wait long enough) and then they never call. Isn't awkward, why tell me that just say, I am sorry, it's been filled, or something else quash the hope your looking through your resume letter may build.

However, this is not a week about obsessing we promised we wouldn't obsess anymore.

Saw The Hunted this weekend. it was the kinda movie I liked except it missed the whole Rambo thing by having us sympathize with its anti-hero and kill him eventually. Yes, I've blown the ending for anyone who faintly wanted to see it, sorry! But if you like chase sequences this is the movie for you. Like it was somehow for me, it was also about revenge and I've been feeling like that a lot lately.

My horoscope is still devoid of my ratins chart. I am not surprised, I had obsessed so much about that thing I am sure the clairvoyants got the message.

A little bitty much has happened to me. I did some fasting today, and cleansed myself of my tumultous inner spirit. I shall try it again on Friday, my next day off. I have also been trying to work on my tan and my workout regimen since the sun's been up for about 3 days straight now, I have used that opportunity to take walks, thinking out loud, and working up a sweat on my fat consumed body, Hopefully, I can fit into that swimsuit by July.

Not likely.

I made a list of my self on my other diary which I shall superimpose into this place. I am so excited about something, I hope this excitement lasts. I am also hopeful about something, hopeful, more hopeful and super hopeful, about becoming a different kind of woman, someone who gets something done, is modern enough to do something for herself, and scores the guy, the job and her dream in the end. Ever get that kinda feel good feeling, I dunno why I have it now...hope it lasts, and something wonderful comes out of it.

Here is the list.

1) I have ordered my laptop. Excited. Hoping that my money can cover it without my going too much in the red. Hopefully, it shall get here in one peace without too much pump and pagentry.

2) I have decided to try my hand and dream again to work in some kind of entertainment atmosphere. Let's see how long this vision lasts.

3) I still hope to move to San Francisco. Before I take on the yearlong lease here I shall first consider the prospects of an out of career person like myself in a big city place like that. Once again, this is me hopong someone out there whom just happens to live in S.F reads this, and says, hop on a plane let's see what we can do together?

4) I am happy with myself. Having saved enough money to buy the laptop, I am somewhat happy and proud of myself, it was a pinch to the pocket and I am almost declaring bankruptcy just because of it, but one has to pat her self on the back if no one else will do it for you. Can't wait to start working with it.

5) I still haven't got a new job. So if you need some creativity instilled in your business, call me, okay.

My horoscope sent me something devoid of the ratings chart. It did say this was a good week to start a new job (which I would have been starting if Karma hadn't fucked me in the balls) and hoped for the best in my dreams coming true. Alas, there was no ratings chart, love, money or work. I guess someone told it that a little girl named anita had been constantly obsessing about he ratings she scored every week. Every week, it's something. There was a time I wasn't looking for a job, then I could care less what it rated for my work week, then I had a crush on someone so if it said Love C. I wold start hyperventilating. Life, when one problem ends another one transpires.

I am on the verge of no breakthroughs. I am still obsessing about my work or lackor need of it. I have come to realise that I just want a job that leads into power lunches, the need for business suits, and the freedom to travel and discuss with people all around the world. Is it too early in my career to be dreaming of having those kind of high powered jobs? A friend of mine summarized that as Public Relations, and she has started a very successful career in it. I think in Law there are some people who still meet all those criteria in their jobs. I suppose if I could narrow down what kind of job it was it would help in narrowing the search.

I am hoping I can talk to some national recruiters to help me fulfill this need of right job in the right kind of place. I see San Francisco but I am not telling, are you?

It is a new week, and my phone hasn't rung and several other things. This time I decided to take the job search thing a little seriously and then not so seriously as to let it consume me as it did last time. I worked on my cover letters muchly and then I actually took time out to buy the Sunday paper. Nothing new! I think because I don't have a fax machine and all the other jobs require either a fax or an email I am losing out on some things. Who would care to look through their emails when they have loads of pages of faxes to go through...that's what I think anyway.

Moreso, I think my personal interviewing skills are shitty. I don't do it so good, like my sister said maybe I freeze up or I just don't sound interested enough. I think I am looking at the "get me in and I'll prove it to you" aspect of the job hunt thing instead of the "I can tell you all the bullshit now but on the job I may not be that good at it."

I hate to talk about this every fucking week, you know. Every week I am obsessing about changing my life, going somewhere there's happinness, doing something much more interesting than I am doing now. I hate to obsess about it. Perhaps I was born an unhappy person, or a perenially discontent person because I constantly am. The latest obsession is to move back to Europe now, get a job working at the West End and surely happiness would come from it somehow. Maybe, maybe not.

I started working on my stories, the Simple Kind of life ones, I read the one on Depression, somehow that story hit so close to home considering what I went through last week, it's like it was a premonition of that week and subsequent weeks, or months in my life to come. And I must have written 2 years ago. So I was sad even back then. Was there ever a time I was happy? Really?

The good news is, Google rated my Keanu stories among the top 5 Keanu websites. Yay! for me. I actually beat out websites that had been in operation longer than mine and do get updated more frequently than I do. I guess that was the motivation I needed to start working on the website again.

There's a lot more to talk about but I gotta work today.