notes from my desk

It is saturation time at my desk. It's not been nonstop work, it's just been non-stop of pretty much the same stuff. And now I am officially tired. I called the store where my car got damaged repeatedly. They apparently think this is not serious. Considering that the car is less than 2 months old, it is pretty serious, devastating and troubling to me. I am just distraught. As if I didn't have enough to worry about I had to add this to the list. I don't even feel like working out and I and my large body are due at the gym this afternoon.

It was revealed

I found out today why I have been so angry. It was not just the perennial loneliness that seems to be living with me and enraging me with more bitterness with each passing moment. It is sadly something else.

Yesterday, Sunday I didn't go to church. I just decided to abstain from God's house for a little while. I wasn't angry with Him even though I am a little miffed that none of my "find me a man" prayers seem to be coming true. However, the long and short is I didn't go to church. I stayed home and cleaned out my closet. While cleaning out my closet I noticed an old picture I had failed to frame, so I decided to go to Target to get one of their cute picture frames. That didn't work out so I postponed the Target frame shopping to this afternoon.

I thought it would feel easier to write this down, but it just feels worse and I have strangely lost interest. The summary is that a lady let her shopping cart roll down the hill and it dented my car badly. So now my 6 week old car, has a big ole dent in it, just because I went to Target to get a 12.99 picture frame. Doesn't my life suck! It's never or shall I say rarely good news, it's always soemthing, filled with drama, the bad kind. The kind you wonder why me, why so what me, why wasn't I saved from it, if it could happen to anyone else, why did it have to happen to me. I could do without this bad news, so why do I have to get bad news instead of good news. It just sucks big time! I had not gotten over admiring the car, the new paint, everything and then this had to happen.

I filled out a claim form in the store but I am not hopeful, why, because it's me. that's why.

A little angry are we?

Sometimes I get so angry, so mentally infuriated that I cannot really out my finger on what it is I am angry about. Like the line says, "you know what Rage is...." I do and I feel it quite often, not the physical rage of tearing up stuff, but the psychological distaste with my overall wellbeing, being in a state of angered intensity that I cannot change, I cannot alter and I cannot quite assimulate. I feel like the world owes me a whole lot more than it is giving me, like they should have told me what I was up against in the future so I could have prepared for it. Like my whole life has achieved some kind of cryostasis. Dismal apprehension. I apologize because I don't even know what that means.

Wasted Years

I need to settle down and concentrate on the following.
Ouch, it's not even 10 o'clock yet. Hmm....

I need to figure out if I want to continue with my Masters degree. I love it. Just the reality of obtaining a prestigious Master's Degree seems so filled with promise. However, I really do not see the light at the end of my tunnel, and if you can't envision that, it makes it kinda hard to keep throwing money and time (which I don't have that much of both) down the drain. If there was promise of a job, a position, something that yields to something, take this program and we shall guarantee you this and that, and oppotunities with these companies shall open up. If there was that, I would so study hard, with the eye of the tiger. Right now I do not see that promise, or even wishful thinking in anything. It is just a fucked up reality I am living in and I don't think a Master's degree will save me. I keep thinking and focusing on the real reason why I chose to do this, to increase my IQ and validate my bachelor's degree. I can't even begin to tell you how successful it's been so far in achiving that. I don't know.

Then, other things, I am trying to build on certain hobbies. one of them is is cycling. I know it may not be easy so hopefully, it wil not end up as one of these hobbies, that start out costing me a lot of money and then, I start it just to lose interest in it like everything else in my life.

Let's see if this works

Months ago I took these pictures, last weekend in January I think. The idea was to post them online and show you what the image from my window was that morning as I read and it snowed. It seems rather posting them in summer, but I could never get my domain to upload correctly, so let's see if it works this time.

It's the 41st time

I try to imagine one of those beautiful pictures, where the scenery is so perfectly captured, the cars seem like they are moving in slow motion and the people stop just long enough for you to capture their smile. I try to imagine that and I laugh, softly just barely bending the corners of my mouth. Something about that reminds me of him. It's that breathtaking thing. It's like every time I see my car on the road, not so pretty but not so the same, it's so defectively different that yet again I am captivated just like the painting, and I wonder, is it just me, or is the enchanting trance visited upon everyone. It's not just me, but it's the facets of me that are arrested, just like the facets of you, become me, in one swift second, every year, every time, my mind stops and I think, what will it be like, if at all, and how would we make up for all the years, until the 41st time.

There is no reason, you are out there, meshed with the fabric of my being, in the soft whisper of my quivering heart, you are there. It was the 41st time.

To the 41st year, I say...Happy Birthday!