Singleton WrapUp 2017

I haven't been able to write any original content in about 6 months. 

I needed more time. More time to process 2017. More months in 2017. 

It's not you. It's me. 

Most of the previous posts are taken from extracts, little bursts of inspiration that come to me, and if there happens to be a little memo pad on my phone I type them down. But every time I am in front of my computer, scrolling through the blogs, gossip sites and whatnot, I say to myself, let us write something for the blog but I cannot seem to muster...the words. The blank page just erases my self-expression. 

All I can say is, if you do not follow me on Twitter, now's the time to do so. Most of my updates (cries of frustration...aaack!) are in threads that I put up on Twitter. 

To wrap up 2017, I really don't have much to add that hasn't been quoted even more eloquently in every self-help blog, motivational writer, word healer, etc. They encapsulate all the rules of living, sometimes really well. What I learned in specifically in 2017 in my continual single life that has covered several continents is: 

Rely on you. You. And You alone. Don't expect from anybody. Deal with your problems (insecurities, indiscretions, bad decisions, great decisions) the best way you know how, with you, trusting you, following your gut instincts, staying prayed up. Whenever a problem gets really intense, I recall that verse from the bible that says, Do not be anxious. I pray for a resolution and I step away from my constant worry and anxiety about the problem, trusting that God will resolve that problem for me. Soon enough, a solution rears its head. 

I dealt with so much that I found myself asking me, "So what were you thinking Anita? Why did you do such and such?" Because your opinion or decision isn't the popular one, you at once start doubting yourself. But then, you being single (and fabulous professional at this age) is not exactly the popular status, so why follow the popular opinion in guiding your life. I found myself praying, "So how do we get back to being the Anita that we love? How do we get back to being in that state of Anita bliss?" This time I promised to appreciate the present and not keep expecting the grass to be greener on the other side. The grass is green enough where we are, and if not, we shall turn it green, yo! or at least use their envy green to light up our grass and stay lit! 

It's just been a bundle of hustle. Knowing thyself. Trusting thyself to pull through the hustle. And having faith that God will see me through. Nigeria is NOT the easiest place to live as a single older woman. The community is not built for people our age to be single. I deal with prejudices every day and suppress them knowing that inside me I am a good person. 

God has made a lot of single people. He will not allow them to suffer through this life on their own. It takes True Grit to be that person that God has ordained as a singleton. You know what this means, it means I have True Grit!! I see my girlfriends who are now married fluster at having to make even the simplest of life decisions. 

"Oh wow, the generator needs repair."

"Oh, wow, we need to recharge our electricity." 

"Oh, wow I failed o go to the bank before the public holiday." 

Or my personal favorite. "Oh gosh, the check engine light in the car is flashing, what do I do?"

I have dealt with each and everyone of these scenarios this past year by my lonesome. And I lived to tell about it.  

Not them. They immediately wait to have their husbands determine how to proceed. But for me, there is only me, and God and I just pray and hope that a solution shows up.

Nevertheless, in true social media opportunistic superficial drone fashion, I will close out this #sobstory post by including some of the best snaps of the year. They show me #livingitup so to speak. I now understand why people placate this image of life being so rosy and exciting - to tell the haters that they are still here, still #livingthegoodlife despite all their #hateration. Believe it or not, you are more popular, with friends and the world when you are not constantly sobbing. Sob in private and live it up on the #gram. And by all means, that #FoodandWine that keeps us living it up. 

Solo Trip - Cashback

One of the happiest moments I've had in awhile was using my Nigerian UBA card in an ATM machine and being able to withdraw 100 Euros cash. 

Needless to say that the cash came when I needed it the most and from the most unexpected of sources, UBA. 

**Please note this is not a humble brag or an advertisement for UBA. It's one of those posts where I celebrate a life event that's a little easier especially for the single gal. Married people or folks with significant others have a partner that can help them cushion life's little frustrations, or they can put their heads together to find a solution to life's nagging little problems. But the single gal, we would rather not have those problems, can they not exist altogether so we can just live?**

Anyway, back to my post:

Before my trip, I hadn’t filled out all those “Use your card abroad” forms, called any 1800 number to activate my card, none of that. For some reason they had deduced through the multiple bank statements I ordered to effectuate the trip that I was going abroad and somehow through the gods, activated my card for use in Europe. At this point I had clearly run out of the cash I took with me, and was urgently in need of cash to pay for a hospital visit (allergies that mired the trip) so once the clinic which had the only glitch as we need you to pay in cash (US clinics would ask for the world before they treat you) requested for cash I knew I needed to make it happen. I just remember having my heart in my throat as the ATM read, “Transaction in process” I held out a glimmer of hope, and just like that it opened up and cash, fresh minty notes were mine to behold. It was a good feeling.

Life can be rough and rigorous with protracted rules and restrictions. Due process can be the most irritating inconvenience to me most especially. I just wanna live, and keep living. But man has to instill order in society and this demands rules, regulations, hoops, etc. This can be a bit of an inconvenience.

So having to travel just by chance with my Nigerian bankcards and having them work just like cash in Europe was one of those days where the inconveniences got out of the way and let Anita be. Also the lack of visa restrictions in the Eurozone helped as well…whoever created that must have met me - I do not want to be bothered, Life please don't bother me. I just wanna live and keep on living…

A Voice from the Furnace

Earlier this year, February to be exact, they had read, in one of the daily readings at Mass, passages that resonated with me. And I cut that extract and read it over and over as the year wore on. Something in me knew it was going to be a tough year - 2017. The Birthday came around and it stung. 

2017 - I knew you would suck but really...this is where we are now. 

My child, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for testing. Set your heart right and be steadfast, and do not be impetuous in time of calamity. Cling to him and do not depart, so that your last days may be prosperous. Accept whatever befalls you, and endure it in sorrow and in changes that humble you be patient. For gold and silver are tested in the fire, and acceptable men in the furnace of humiliation. Trust in God, and he will help you; make your ways straight, and hope in him. Stay in fear of him and grow old in him. You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy; do not stray, or else you may fall. You who fear the Lord, trust in him, and your reward will not be lost. You who fear the Lord, hope for good things, for lasting joy and mercy. Consider the generations of old and see: has anyone trusted in the Lord and been disappointed? Or has anyone persevered in the fear of the Lord and been forsaken? Or has anyone called upon him and been neglected? For the Lord is compassionate and merciful; he forgives sins and saves in time of distress.

Rules of Love

Photo Credit: Spencer Charles

You follow all the rules of LOVE hoping they work, hoping one sticks, makes a difference:

1. Love him/her;

2. Love him/her unconditionally;

3. Show him/her you love him/her that this here is real love not affection disguised as love;

4. Make him/her your King/Queen;

5. Be submissive to him/her;

6. Say Yes even when you mean to say No (this is the hard one for me);

7. Give him/her everything he/she asks when they ask without argument;

8. Make him/her the King/Queen to your King/Queen (repetitive I know but so is this advice when rendered);

9. Support him/her;

10. Support him/her always (at this point you're wondering isn't that what the King/Queen was trying to get at. OK);

11. Make him/her feel as if he is the King/Queen of your life...still working on that Royalty theme I see, (Stay with me);

12. Don't get angry when he/she offends you (really?);

13. Even if he/she does...still profess that he/she is the (what?) King/Queen; and

14. By all means, never ever nag.

You follow all these rules...you relentlessly follow all these rules...so much you even write them down so you can refer to them when confused by his/her action, you follow the rules, some more ridiculous than others...you follow the rules...yet, love...oh this love, still so evasive.

What rules do you follow? What rules do you know work?

We Owe What We Owe

When people say: I don't owe you anything. No one owes anyone anything. 

I beg to differ. We all do. We all owe the universe an obligation, a sacrifice, a selfless act. We owe humanity that promise, a simple promise to pay it forward - to do, be, to someone else. Someone paid it forward enough to afford you the opportunity to live this privileged life, to exist in this universe, so your duty, your very simple task is to keep that positive energy going by paying it forward.

Read something today. It said: We manifest the world we want to exist in. 

So what type of universe is a selfish person trying to manifest. One where it's all about them and they're not affected by the events or people that exist around them? Guess what, that same universe sends you exactly what you deserve, and if you've been selfish and lived it reluctantly, you'd surely get what's going to be coming to you. 

In order not to tamper with the fabric of our being, and our co-existence and reliance one to another, let's stop living selfishly but selflessly in order to pay back humanity for the freedoms that we now enjoy.

Flashback to Brooklyn Bohemia

July 26, 2010:

Sometime in 2010, I wrote the piece below. Fascinating to discover that almost 10 years later, I still feel the same and my mindset still strays towards the bohemian lifestyle.  This piece occurred to me because just the other day, a former classmate of mine lamented that he was slowly fading into his "comfort zone." I remarked that it was not good, scary even. He inquired as to why, and my response was simply thus: "The Comfort Zone represents a state of complacency, which slowly turns into mediocrity." But when we work the 9 - 5 jobs and slowly edge towards retirement, what else is there than to creep into the inevitable 'comfort zone."

Photo Courtesy of NY Times

I read, or rather browsed through this slide show in the NY Times Real Estate Section of a group of 20 something artists who live and share a house in Brooklyn. 

The Bohemian aspect of it intrigued me greatly. You know I am drawn to all things "hippie-esque", anti-authority and bohemian. I particularly like the liberty that it brings to be free from all the constraints that society expects from us. 

Society expects you to have a 9-5, a car, all this stuff that you just might need someday, own your own home, have a mortgage that you can barely afford, etc, it expects that normalcy from you and some people just don't fit into that normalcy, a small group of people don't and this group seems to be getting smaller and smaller by the minute. But yes, some of us do exist that would rather choose to live the bohemian lifestyle; where we bike everywhere, sleep around all day and work in the evening, and spend all day reading and discussing Nietzsche, have visible tattoos that have some existential meaning that only we are aware of, get to go to all the cool art shows and discuss it like it's the meaning of life, and generally just have fun with our lives, just being. I don't know. I may not be making much sense. I just thought it would be really cool to live like that. As I scrolled through those pictures for a split second I wanted to be one of them, chasing my dream, living simply, among friends and like-minded people. For a brief second, I wanted to be one of them. I still do. However, today I had to wake up early to get to my 9-5. And you wonder what's wrong with me. 

EDIT: 2017 - This article no longer exists on the NY Times Real Estate page. Tried to reach out to NY Times for an update or at least for the source pics, but they have not responded. Hmmm...too bad. 

Work and Other Things (Series 4)

Lately, folks seeing through my despair have inquired about my job situation. 

They start off by asking, "Any news?" As in, "Is the coast clear?"  Or they ask, "What happened?" That caused you to be out of a job so soon. 

All this just sounds like B.S. disguised as concern to me. 

When a friend is going through a career lull, these hardly seem like the appropriate questions. 

You should ask: How can I help? 

I've never understood Nigerians and their aversion to this job thing. They treat it like a plague, an affliction (stone man disease, of some sort) everyone runs from you the second you show signs of symptoms. 

Don't understand it. I somewhat do. They're afraid to ask how they can be of help, in case the help steers towards financial aid. However, even if you cannot aid financially, you can offer help through other means, even if it means just listening. 

And I particularly hate to tolerate it. Everyone tolerates these inactions. Nigerians have become accustomed to this selfish act. That's why once they find the jobs they stick to it like glue until retirement. Kiss ass until the roosters have completed college in some British school. Their employer tells them to lick the floor with their tongue they politely agree and just lap those floors up without nary a question as to how this fits into their job description or fair treatment of workers. But I'm not built that way...my employer disrespects me I call them out on it and if nothing is done about it then I leave, life is too transient to live and work in a dictatorship environment. Human rights should not exist in a vacuum. They should be practiced everywhere, especially in the work place. 

This last place was riddled with misogyny, you could detect it seeping from every sentence. Never felt more out of place in my life. I knew I couldn't continue to work there any longer. It just pains me that the longer I sit on the shelf it seems as if they got away with it, with treating women as if they were hired for their looks, to pursue someone else's financial agenda, and they get away with treating anyone who's not a Muslim, as if they are fodder for their Randolph and Mortimer (a la Trading Places) treatment. 

The whole thing makes my skin crawl whenever people suggest the possibility of me remaining in their employ and enduring that treatment as opposed to what is now seeming like an endless search. IT SHOULD NOT BE THAT WAY. Your job treats you badly, disrespects you, you reserve the right to leave for your self-respect, human dignity, sense of self. I just did not envision that society will ostracize me for making such a rash decision for my self respect and of course, that my God will leave me out to dry for society's bemusement. I suppose these are not options that are open to the Nigerian employee. In Nigeria, if your employer treats you badly, you grin and bear it and look for another job. In the event that you cannot in time, you just keep taking your employer's ish - that is the way of the Worker in the modern Nigerian society. My dear, that is a sad way to live, if I may so, along with so many other things that are sad in Nigeria. 

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace...Jimi Hendrix 

Flashback Music Series...Maroon 5

Flashback Music Series, the Grand Finale.


March 2005. Maroon 5 at the Gwinnett Arena.

We close out the Flashback Music Series on #AnitaWrites concerts from 2005 with my personal favorite, Maroon 5 (Adam Levine and his fine self!😜😜)

When I got the tickets I was so excited that I'd finally get to see Adam Levine perform live. I had resisted for the longest time becoming a Maroon 5 fan. I thought they were overrated and just plain overplayed on the radio. You couldn't put the radio on for a steady 5 song stream without your ears being abused by, "This Love" or "She Will be Loved." They were thought to be the next best thing to pop music group scene after the boy band phase had died down, and America could not get enough of them. It also helped that their lead singer Adam Levine was like ravenous sex on a swivel stick and their videos were so sexually charged, they knew just the right buttons to press to keep fans, ahem, young girls, intrinsically tweaked.  

Normally, this type of music is classified under "white people" music. No offense, that's just what it is, even when I listen to it with my friends, they wonder, who are these "white people" musicians you are listening to. So, I tried and tried not to get into Maroon 5. It wasn't the first single, "Harder to Breathe" that was played to death by VH1, under "artists to watch" and it was not the second one, "This Love" that was loved and then hated, once my radio station put it on some kind of constant spin. It was not the sexy video for "She will be Loved". Actually, it was the 4th single, "Sunday Morning" and hearing it played live by Maroon 5 at the American Music Awards that did me in, that was it and the rest, as they say, is history. I just fell, hopelessly. I got their acoustic EP, which rocked and it kept me warm through the winter of December 2004.Adam Levine sure does sound awesome over acoustic guitar, he actually has a lot of soul too (for a white man), you could tell he's been influenced by Stevie Wonder and the old school R&B acts and it didn't hurt that he looked so intense, like an intense younger version of Keanu. Phew!!

 

Sunday Morning is one of those songs that puts me in a good mood all the time. I've liked it ever since and I have heard (and own) several different versions of that same song: acoustic, live band arrangement, demo version, remastered, album arrangement, I still love the song. Something about it just makes me feel like it's going to be okay. I am glad I got into their music. Sometimes when I'm contemplative, I think of some part of their music, as Adam Levine says, "Things just gets so crazy, Living life gets hard to do," and I think, you know what, it's gonna be alright, cos I'm not the only one feeling this way. 

Here I am. March 2005. Itching to finally get to see Adam and the music that had gotten me through that winter live. When I got the tickets I was incredibly excited thinking, this is so awesome. Unfortunately, when the concert eventually happened I was unemployed and going through the “senseless” phase - you know, the phase where you can't understand why life is dealing you this bitter blow, yea, that phase. I was hopelessly immersed in this phase and then, it was time for my much-awaited highly anticipated Maroon 5 concert, all I could think was, "How could life be so mean, what is the point in looking forward to anything anymore? What is the frigging point?" Really, it makes no sense. I just really didn’t have the time and heart to take in the awesomeness of the concert.

I went to the concert only after I confirmed from the reviews that Sunday Morning would be featured and indeed it was. It sounded the same, they didn't rework it. But hearing it live is just like this piece of happiness you wish you could bottle up and play over and over when that sad mood hits to lift you up. It's just phenomenal. Their set pieces were very simple. No frills, no pyro, just lights that match the mood of the music, and no banter between the songs. And they didn't sing many songs. But the good thing is they sang "Sunday Morning." 

Live music has that exhilarating escapism, like a release, every time you hear the artists say, "everybody scream," you just scream at the top of your lungs and let go of all your worries/anxiety/stupidities/adulties, it's better than any yoga class or sex! But there I was almost afraid to scream because I knew at the back of my mind, that my unemployed problem still existed and at the time hurt more than I thought was possible. I remember sitting in the parking lot waiting for the parking lot to clear up, watching all the campers, food trucks, radio station trucks, cars with groups - mothers with their precocious teenage daughters, college students, sorority sisters - just filled with excited, squealing group of people, teenagers, parents, fans alike and there I was...sitting in my car alone, so alone, never felt more alone, encased with my thoughts and my unemployed state. 

Sob story aside. The good news is I got to see Maroon 5 again in a couple of years and it felt a lot better. And, I got a job a couple of months later. Even better news, is I have learned that I would live life regardless of the existing set of circumstances because in the end, all these problems eventually blow over and if you don't enjoy them then you would have missed out on a great life experience you may not get to relive. 

Wish Upon an Adult Star...

I woke up today wishing for certain things. 

Sometimes, we work so hard towards chasing everything that makes sense that maybe we forget to wish, long for, or simply summarize our wants, our dreams, the ones that don’t particularly make sense. Sometimes, when I want to pray and put my prayer into words, like “Hey Lord this is what I want,” I find it hard to put my finger on what exactly it is that I want. 

The other day at my interview—to this very boring job, I swear some of these interviews I often wonder but for the thrill of a paycheck why else would I be here —the lady asked what my dream for the next 3 years would be,  what do I want to achieve professionally and personally. To this, I really do not know. The interview tips rule books advise that you say that your goal is to keep working at said company, and doing a good job, so I said that, but the personal part. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. For one, she doesn’t know me like that so I can’t be telling her what I want in my life personally. The other, and the most important one is I don’t know what it is myself. I told her, "get married and have 5 kids." Something nice and simple. She chuckled. I mentioned this to a friend of mine, and she replied, you know that’s not your dream. 

Why she thought that I don’t know. Maybe it is. I told her I should have said it was to marry Keanu and have a dozen of his babies. I said next time someone asks me that that would be my answer, to marry Keanu, can you help me achieve that? Can this company and the boring tasks you have lined up for this position possibly help me achieve this dream? Sadly, that is not the answer to the thrill of the endless search that burns within us, as humans. Or maybe not, I hate to sit idle, so maybe not.

It’s just stupid, the way our mind wanders sometimes, especially in the morning, Sunday Mornings. I swear it's the best time to map out your life plan. There's the peaceful calm of Sunday service, God being summoned from all the different religious denominations so it makes Him ever present in our thoughts that day even though we may not have participated in Sunday worship just yet, He is there more than we ever presumed and then there's the dread of Monday (new work week!) looming over us, knowing that this is the last day we get to lazily wake up to our rambunctious thoughts and our casual adulthood.

That being said, what do you wish for on a Sunday Morning? What are the dreams you allow your mind to meander through on a Sunday Morning or any morning as you angrily beat down that alarm clock for its intrusion into your day dreams? These are mine... 

Flashback Music Series...Backstreet Boys Concerts

Our Music Series continues with not one but two Backstreet Boys Concerts. 

2005. 

I was an ardent music lover, and concerts were really my thing. It also helped that I lived a stone throw from the Gwinnett Center Arena in Duluth, GA. Every day I drove past it on my way to work there was a new banner announcing the next major act that would be gracing the stage in a few months, that gave me something to look forward to, to work towards. If I couldn't get tickets online, I could buy them at the venue. It all seemed so easy that I indulged, the #AnitaWrites way. 

To continue the Flashback Music Series, here's a fresh (hot off the press!) take from yours truly....

One thing that is not captured below which didn't really seem like such a big deal at that time. For the Christmas concert, Rihanna performed Christmas songs at the Centennial Olympic Park for a few fans who braved the cold to catch the pre-shows. I remember walking briskly (so briskly cos' it was biting cold) past the small crowd wondering how sweet her voice sounded as she serenaded the mini-gathering, belting those Rudolph songs. There it was. Missed my one chance to see Rihanna perform because of the cold while rushing to catch BSB! Then, the Pussycat Dolls opened for BSB/Will Smith. And yes, Jazzy Jeff performed with Will Smith. Can you imagine that scenario now? Who would be the opening act in 2017? 


Backstreet Boys (BSB) Concert at the Gwinnett Arena

July 24, 2005

My concert was GREAT!!! 

Super fun, lots of energy, very mature set up, remixes of all the old classics, and a different feel to the guys than before. No pyrotechnics unless it was absolutely necessary, no funky shoulder pad outfits, it felt like a farewell tour with the screen playing recaps of the last 12 years of their career, and their camaraderie was just superb. I loved it. I loved it more because I was not expecting to like it. I don't particularly dig all the new songs, but hearing them live, with them expressing how much they love the songs, made me like them. The dancing didn't feel forced, it felt like something they had to do to keep you watching, and it was more visual this time because you got to see it without all the pyro blocking your way. It was just superb. Those guys know how to throw it down, I hope they stick around for much longer. Seeing them together is always a thrill. Sometimes you think. one of them is okay, but nope, they should all be together, one without the other is just not having it. 

The bad: The stage was set up so funky that this big ole light switch was blocking the monitor right where I was sitting. I felt so sorry for the people sitting a little more to the right, I was at an angle and yet it was blocking my way. Then, the organizers, Star 94 FM, the hugest dickheads you've ever seen. They didn't allow cameras. Who doesn't allow cameras and searches bags in this day and age? That is so 90's. People do have camera cellphones. Then, they made us wait for about two hours before the guys showed up and in buying the tickets they never mentioned the opening acts (some inconsequential artists I really shouldn't have been available for and the lights shouldn't have been turned down for them). They said 7:00 and made us think it would start just around that time, not 8:50. The acoustics were bad, very bad, the synthesizer was set way too sharp, it kept cutting into my ears. The sound quality could have been better and they could have put up two side by side monitors like they did at Maroon 5's concert and the organizers could have stopped thinking it was all about merchandising (they sold everything down to Noodles at the venue) and about the music and organized a much friendlier atmosphere. Apart from that it was great. Every time Nick took the mic we screamed. Just like the old days.

The Will Smith/BSB concert. December 8, 2005 at the Philips Arena

BSB was great as always, something about the way they perform that always gets me. Not necessarily their harmonies, but just the way they put their passion into singing. The key thing for me was having JC Chasez introduce them. Not many people understood the history behind that and I did, so to put it in his words it was all fitting that he'd be the one to introduce them. The seats for the concert were amazing. Because with all my concerts this year I haven't exactly been blessed with the best seating arrangement, I just didn't go into it with that much enthusiasm as my sister, who hasn't been to a concert in such a long time. I knew they were floor seats, but the thing with floor seats is this, if they are not elevated, you end up having to crane your neck the entire concert. No one wants to do that. So I failed to take my camera along. Ho-hum, I thought, risk the chance of releasing awful pictures again, I don't think so.

Will Smith was okay! It was a different kind of concert. Not the regular kind where everyone is jumping up and down, and dancing aimlessly, this one seemed like it had a focus. The only snag was that it was so short, it ended just as soon as you got into it. I got into it. After we bought a one-time use camera at the local Philips arena convenience store, I took a whole bunch of pictures before I realized that I forgot to press the flash button, let alone the wind button. So there were several pictures, but they were all imprinted on one another. Hmmm...

Flashback Friday - Rob Thomas Solo

Flashback Music Series...Anita Writes...2005

Episode 1

Great Flashback from my #ATL days.

10-24-2005

Rob Thomas at the Tabernacle. His first solo tour right after the release of Something to Be (his debut solo album)...biggest single was Lonely No More.

I went to see Rob Thomas last night. His voice is...amazing, sounds the same live as it does on the CD. He sings with just as much passion for this song as the next song. The only problem is he decided to sing every single song he's ever written and then some that he wished he had written, and before you know it the pace of the show had weakened, and a lot of people, including myself were tired. Most of all, it was a freaking Monday night. "I know this is what you do for a living Rob but some of us have real lives, and jobs, that we have to be at on Tuesday."

Notwithstanding, it was a good show. Powerhouse voice with a powerhouse band. This was my second time hearing live instruments performed with no explosions, or pyrotechnics, or dance steps or extra frills to distract from the concert - just sheer performance magic, and it changes everything. The music was right on the money, sounded perfect not a single note off key. He interacted with the audience too. He didn't seem to have an ego about him towards anything. People tend to be that way on stage and you can kinda guess it. It was wonderful, even though he chose to sing my favorite song--This is How a Heart Breaks--last. I think it worked better with the pace of the show to have the fastest paced song played last. But all those boring songs in between. Golly! "Rob, couldn't you tell we were standing?" I also like it when he cursed, something about how we were all little fuckers. He said "fuck" a couple of times, which was cool, sometimes you forget what it's like to have people curse freely at a concert. He even threw in a David Bowie song in there for good measure. Dancing and head bopping with that sexy skinny body of his. Very good adult play of music.

Work and Other Things (Series 3)

I've learnt a lot about myself, professionally and otherwise so far this 2017.
I've learnt that, professionally, you should believe, even when everyone tells you not to, do the work, take out the time, perfect your craft and watch your belief take flight.
And, most importantly, that "No's" exist in Nigeria just as much as they do in America.
And it's not because you don't have the coveted JD or none of your degrees read "obtained in the USA".
It's just a No.
For no fundamental reason whatsoever except probably maybe
Because instead of spending a great deal of your career toiling in (y)our country,
you chose the path of least resistance
And for that we no longer want you.
This last one was rather disappointing.

....
💜

Unfortunate Lunch Date

A couple of weeks ago I found myself recounting to someone what it meant to date in Atlanta.

When you tell Nigerians that you lived in Atlanta for some odd years they expect you to have returned to Lagos with Usher or an Usher equivalent in your arm. Not so much. I recalled this incident below, one of my "unfortunate" dating escapades in that lovely city of Atlanta. Maybe I just ended up with the short end of the stick in my ATL dating life, or maybe I wasn't open enough to what the Universe had to offer, as open as I am now, either way, Sista had it rough as you can tell from the account below. Can't imagine any Lagos girl in all her glow-up glory having the patience to endure the below.

I went for an unfortunate lunch date this afternoon (February 5, 2009).

Unfortunate, because there are some dates you really shouldn't go on, but for the sake of all things humane, also known as trying not to congeal on the shelf, you try to let yourself out a bit. Not good. Because then you get put in situations that are pitiful and you're sitting there in all your despair wondering, surely I can do better. Can't I? 

I bumped into this guy, much older guy on Sunday. He forced me to give him my number (yes, there is such a thing as being forced to divulge your digits, Naija men have mastered this trick) and I did. Should not have! Promised not to give strange men on the street my number. Since then, he's been hounding me to be his girlfriend. From the first phone call, believe it or not. He doesn't even know who I am. He is a much older guy who's retired and lives on his pension with "grown kids". When did it come to this Lord? I am now "dating" men with grown children. Am I that old?

So back to the unfortunate date. I give the guy a chance to take me to lunch and he offers me Chick Fil A. Right then and there I should have known that was a bad idea. But, I went. He arrived. Not hungry. I am. I order the No. 1 meal. He pays for it and proceeds to count the exact change to the cashier. I just remember that vividly as I stood there thinking, has it come to this? Because he is a lot older, everyone stared at us. Like I was lunching with my daddy. I had to tell him point blank. I cannot date you because of your age. He was visibly upset. Why would he be visibly upset?

I enjoy the finer things of life. I love fine dining restaurants. When I am really in a good mood, or in the mood to put myself in a good mood, I dine in a 5 star restaurant. I actually have a list of them that I go to for different things: some for their wine selection, another for the delectable dessert, another just for the ambiance (just want to be enveloped by their opulence), food not so great but scenery is so extra, and then, some for the appetizer (maybe their calamari or crab cakes and only that, are to die for). Why, such a high flying, high taste having person like myself would meet someone that would want to take her to Chick Fil A, beats me. I simply do not know. And to think he would feel offended that I am not impressed or interested in him in any way whatsoever is beyond me.

If you need me I shall be on the shelf, congealing or dining at the nearest 5 star restaurant.

The 53rd Year...

The 53rd Year:

"From Keanu:
in romance, being with someone and saying,
"Let's go. Let's get out of here."
Impromptu acts, or letters, or phone calls, or paying attention to what they like or love… and surprises, all those kinds of things to me are, if you're in that situation, are quite fun to not only give, not only to receive, but also to give, you know."

To Keanu,

Xoxo.

The Lesser Life

"Absolutely my dear.
I will not.
Have not.
But.
Will the abundance.
Choose me?"


Image and words by #NayirrahWaheed


Response by #AnitaWrites.

To September...With Love

September.

Shun Hate. Profess Peace. Let Love Win. In fact, Let. It. Take. Over.

Invite Fairness and Kindness to Dinner, Serve Generosity doused with Justice. Embrace Passion.

Entertain them all with…Love 💝.

Work and Other Things (Series 2)

Based on my offer to assist a connection on LinkedIn with garnering work in America, it's interesting how many people on LinkedIn raced to find out the secrets to working in America as a foreign-trained lawyer. But these same people are not interested in divulging the secrets to breaking it in to working in Nigeria as a Nigeria trained lawyer. They don't even respect the fact that you were able to work in America as a foreign-trained lawyer.

Working in America, be prepared to hear No...a lot. You hear so many "Nos" that it will break your spirit, make you want to buy that ticket home. However, if you survive to make it through the No's you will get a Yes, as a good friend of mine used to say: All it takes is just one person to say Yes. There is always that one person who wants to take a chance on a foreign trained lawyer with a lot of heart. It's this heart, belief in potential that makes it...the land of opportunity. And when that yes happens, as you get in, you make it the best opportunity ever, show 'em what you're made of, prove your worth. 

In America, if you have a good educational background which shows potential you will at least be shortlisted for an interview. In Nigeria, not at all. If your resume does not reflect that you have practiced that area of law that they have advertised for, you won't hear a peep from them. Then of course, there's the matter of knowing someone on the inside to pass your resume to so you can get shortlisted, that does not apply in America. I can post my resume on Indeed and get a call back almost the next day.

In Nigeria, there are no responses. That's just the problem. There's a silence that's almost deafening. It makes you question your purpose, your qualifications, your self-worth. You start to doubt your skill-set. You wonder, this is the same resume I used to garner interviews from Amazon, Cornell University, Red Hat, Zappos, etc (to name a few) now I can't even get the local law firm to call me back? Is there something wrong with me? It also makes you question the integrity of the people reviewing the applications, their knowledge of your international expertise, but that's a whole other story - I've come to the conclusion that ACIPM stands for "I do not respond to emails, texts, or calls." 

Then, you recount all the other big wigs you interviewed with and the jobs you got, some of them you turned down, and then you think to yourself, maybe it's not you...but the system. 

After this 3.5 year search for a job that makes sense in Nigeria, I've come to a lot of conclusions, one of them being to doubt myself, but I've also come to a conclusion about my people...that results in me not liking them very much. America is filled with its own issues but one thing about it is it gives you that little bit of spark in the midst of the darkness, there's always that little kick that keeps you going, fighting for another day. In Nigeria, they are ready to kick you further down and relish in seeing you sink deeper down into your hole. After all, it leaves plenty more room for them at the top.

We can't darn well have the 1% be 10% now, can we?

If you like this, read Work and Other Things (Series 1)

Work and Other Things (Series 1)

Job Hunting in Naija (Nigeria) has to be the singular most frustrating act on this earth. 

Suffice it to say that dating is a less frustrating act. Dating in #Atlanta is even less frustrating. You know the men that will frustrate you so with experience you learn to avoid those men. 

But Job hunting in Nigeria - an analysis...

- you get shafted (ignored) by local recruiters and international recruiters alike (that you assume should know better, should act like they got some sense). No one returns emails, or even shortlists you for jobs that you are obviously tailor-made for. They ignore you because they don't have any valid excuse for rejecting you. 

-  multinational companies only hire Nigerians with foreign degrees. This singular act to me is a blow to being situated in an African country. If you're not going to take the local education for what it is then WTF are you doing in my country, eating up my resources and not employing my local content having no confidence in my local education in Nigeria. It's obvious you assume that our universities have no credibility. And this hurts more because this same company located in the western world considered me with my Nigerian degree on my resume, but in Nigeria, they consider that everyone here is local so they have choices, with these choices, they're gonna pick and choose and select the candidates they want to immediately assume into management and middle management with or without any local experience under their belt. 

- But for me, they insist on local experience. This one is another ridiculous aspect of the job hunting in Nigeria. How great is the work experience in Nigeria that you should insist that a candidate is subjected to it? How ethical are the Nigerian workers? How professional are they? For lawyers, how many laws are enforced? They randomly create laws for everything, there's a CBN circular and petroleum bill being issued every other month. Once they are issued, the government inserts regulatory bodies to govern these laws and that is it. Regulatory enforcement is absent. Why even create the laws in the first place? Practice of law in this country is not essentially unique or exceptional that I feel as if I missed out on it. What did I miss out? Assuming a position in a multinational where I would have risen through the ranks and become like Regional West Africa legal manager by now. That's what I missed out on and it sucks that with all the international transactional experience I have under my belt I cannot transform that into a role with a multinational - once again the same multinational that considered me in the States. 

- Based on this I assumed things would be easier here. If you get interviewed by Nike (to name drop one of my interviewees) in the States, you expect that if Nike moves into Nigeria, you would ordinarily get interviewed by Nike here, as one of their regional lawyers. Not necessarily and so far I have not been interviewed or even shortlisted by one multinational company here in Nigeria. That reality just saddens me. Makes this job search this singular most frustrating act I've endured in a long time. 

And after working in a multinational company in the States, I am really not made for a local company. That sounds boujee I know but I just don't have the stuff for it, the patience, the forbearance, the tolerance everything. It takes a lot. 

I wonder if there happens to be any returnee going through this same shit - EVER! I've seen all of them settled in nicely in their multinational. Not sure what is going on with mine. But then again, I have no "in" to these companies and of course, I don't have any Ivy League degrees. 

At this point, I'm just done. I have no faith in the system, in mankind, in 2nd chances, in opportunities, in Nigeria, in anything. I am simply done. Hoping I can wither away quietly from a broken heart.

It says a lot about a country if their President has been outside the country for over 100 days this year, it means he is done too. 

Parking Shylocks - Palms Mall Lekki

Saturday the 15th of July, 2017

Ever have one of those Saturdays where the sun is shining, your used car is cooperating, not too much traffic, you're just driving through Lagos appreciating life and living. Was fully having one of those days on this Saturday, ran some errands in and around the Lagos Island, washed my car, got my fill of ice cream (what else do you when the sun is shining?) and was appreciative of life. About to head home, I thought different. Decided to go to the mall to absorb some of that escapism and exhilaration that comes with window shopping and people watching, maybe grab some groceries, before I finally head home. Where else do I go - the Palms Shopping Mall, Lekki - one of Lagos Island's premier shopping malls. 

Now, it's not like me to give a blatantly bad review of a place, but my experience on what had started as a perfect day has given me cause to call out these folks on their poor customer service. 

You see, Malls are historically designed to be a place of escapism, relaxation and fun - such as I was having and wanted some more of when I visited the mall on this day. Nigerian companies are seriously lacking in customer service culture. They want the customers, they want our money, but they don't believe in the little extra that it takes to keep our business. I've always wondered why that is. Capitalism and Customer Service usually go hand in hand. But not so in Nigeria. There's the capitalism and greed, but the customer service culture is missing maybe replaced by an abundance of greed. Who knows? 

So what happened on this day? 

Once I completed my shopping, spent about 4 hours in the mall, I paid the flat charge of N200, remitted the parking coin and I remember it being given back to me before I headed to my car. Just at the gate I noticed that I no longer had the coin. I probably threw it out with the CD wrapper of the (Linkin Park) CD I tore open, who knows? 

I frantically searched for it in the next hour, almost letting my frozen chicken decompose in my back seat as I frantically searched for this inconsequential CD. But to no avail I couldn't locate it. 

Then, what happened?

Was charged N5000 for a missing parking coin by the Palms Mall Lekki parking management. 

I begged and begged for leniency and they bluntly refused. After paying the N5K, reluctantly I might add, because to tell you the truth, who has N5K to spare in this recession, I called the mall parking management (Balosh Integrated) to complain at their insistence in subjecting unsuspecting customers to this exorbitant charge. 

I calmly explained to him that this surcharge to me represents the epitome of bad customer service to surcharge a paying customer for misplacing an inconsequential parking coin. All he did was tell me that the coins are imported (why? I thought there was a ban on imports?) As he explained the cost of importing these fabulous coins, inside me I am thinking, what happened to insurance? Do you even have insurance? Isn't the insurance supposed to cover force majeure situations (Balosh Integrated, ask your lawyer what that means!) like these? Why should the customer have to be surcharged for patronizing your establishment? Do you understand we're in a recession for pete's sake?

I conclude that this is the height of BAD CUSTOMER SERVICE. I vow never to shop there again. Who needs that much hassle when they come to the mall? From here on out I promise that my movies, groceries (sorry @Shoprite_NG), electronics, MAC makeup, etc will all be obtained elsewhere where the parking is free and the management is flexible with the parking rules. Who has N5K to spare for a lost coin? It's theft if you ask me. Don't know why we tolerate this type of shady business in this country. Congratulations you just cost all your tenants a significant amount of business.

The next day I get a call (from a good samaritan) that the coin was located at the mall and that I should come pick it up. I arrive, pick it up and proceed to return to the parking attendant for my refund. I park on the street to avoid being surcharged yet another parking fee for this visit. As I return the coin, here's the kicker, they tell me I will be issued my refund through a bank transfer. Note - I PAID THEM IN CASH. But my refund, when it eventually arrives will be subjected to the 3 - 5 business days bank rule. 

Of course I call and give them (once again) a piece of my mind. At this point, they institute an instant transfer for this belligerent customer i.e., me, however, I am wondering, why is this not so for everyone who has been forced to cough up N5K for this frigging coin. 

In conclusion, my mall visit instead of being relaxing and fun was a nightmare, as most activities in Nigeria tend to be. Wish we would put a stop all these parking shylocks if you ask me. 

My people, I tire oh! 

Job meets Career

Difference between a Job and a Career.

There comes a time in your life when you must stop and hunt for a career. Not a job but a career. Because any ole’ job that pays the bills and helps you get by from day to day will not do. You need a career. A career that you can work on until your retirement years. A career that impacts people’s lives not just your own. A career that makes a difference and leaves somewhat of a legacy even if it’s just within your family. A career that echoes with your name long after you’ve left this earth. A career. Stop. Breath. Assess. Is what I’m doing considered a career?

Work and Other Things (a series)

Decided that since there's so much going on with me and work and working in Nigeria which is ending up to be rather as dramatic as those first few years working in America, that I would start this series where I write about it. I have always written about work, as you may have gathered, my struggles about breaking into the corporate world in America, which no one here seems to appreciate. But since this is my starter kit to working in Nigeria, I'll start writing about my travails in this market as well. By the way, they are quite the same as working in America, just disguised with 3rd world mentality and relative prejudices.

Here's my first piece...

I think (one of) the hardest thing(s) about being the only female working with a group of men is having to hear them question your decisions, your statements. There's always that doubt at the end of your statement. "Are you sure?" "Have you checked with such-and-such?" Trying to cross-check your sources in order to validate your assertions. And at some point you start to question yourself, "Am I really sure?" "Did I check with such-and-such?" which in turn creates self-doubt and a great loss of self-confidence which rattles you to your professional core. Utterly disconcerting.

Before anyone says, this is your imagination. It's not because you're a woman. However, I observe the men, when they give advice, or make assertions in group, they never ask the other, "Well, are you sure?" That question never even crosses their mind. Instead they are met with, "That's a great idea," or "I agree completely." I wonder why...

---Being a working woman in Nigeria. #AnitaWrites

Arte Afrique...

At the start of summer 2017 I found myself attending a few art shows. I occasionally got invited to these art opening exhibits but never coordinated my time well enough to attend. It was summer, so I thought why not?

The Good:

There's a lot of art and artists in Nigeria. So much self-expression, subversive youths trying their loudest darnedest to be heard. And these art opening always seem to attract the crux of them. At some point, you find that if you fit into the mold you almost feel as if you don't belong in that space. What am I doing? Perhaps I should have a hair outta place, burn my bra, wear mismatched shoes, anything at all to seem rebellious as f*ck. Nevertheless they invited me so I came in to appreciate the art and listen to them express their unspoken words.

The Bad:

Tried my best not to compare these art shows with the lovely resplendent multi-faceted art shows I had the pleasure of attending in Atlanta, especially the Bill Lowe Friday evening openings (which I've chronicled on this blog). But those openings were superb beyond comparison, from the buffet food trays, chips, assorted dips, triangular cut sandwiches, and the cheap wine (which I criticized at the time). I hoped the Lagos events would have their own local African cultural flair. But by the second one I was indeed frustrated, exhausted from trying to appreciate art in the blistering heat. At the second showing at the Terra Kulture Gallery, there was a table set up with Louis Roederer bottles of champagne but guests were not allowed to partake in it for some odd reason or the other. I asked one of the artist participants and he murmured that I needed a coupon of some sort. I waited and waited and the coupon never showed up. Good enough because the exhibit room was scorching. It was scorching outside ordinarily but this is an art space we deserve to be well ventilated, to breathe clean air in a sparse space filled with pretentious, mildly amusing, basic art. At the first gallery - Omenka Gallery - a congealed stench filled the room, a combination of sweat, stale breath and damp clothing. In between pretending that I could continue to inhale the pungent odor, a guest spilled their orange soda on the floor and we all watched in dismay for about 30 minutes as the spill spread across the gallery floor forming its own expressionistic pattern. No gallery attendant rushed to wipe up the spill, and the artists stared at it as if it was indeed meant to convey some sort of art oomph.

The only saving grace (which didn't happen soon enough) occurred at the Temple Muse gallery, art curated by SMO Contemporary Art. There was maturity, organization and panache in the event and it reflected in the turnout. Rebellious student representation was kept at a low and adult bourgeois art-lovers were turned all the way up as well as the Louis Roederer which was generously poured to all attendees as we meandered through the space studying the eclectic pieces on display. It was a breath of fresh air, plus the space smelled divine. I appreciated the change of pace, and deeply conveyed my appreciation to the hostess. 

To close out the exhibits, was an opening at Red Door Gallery, which was nothing more than pop-art in space helmets, a self-indulgent showing by a young artist who I'm convinced was inspired by a Netflix binge watch of Star Trek. As far as the other art venues...there are no words except that which is expressed in this blog. 

Arte Afrique...we have a long way to go to take art to the level where it doesn't just express our nonconformance to societal niceties but instead shows our appreciation for beauty, nature and clean lines...it gives us a reprieve from societies chaos. 

When the Dust Settles...

Can't remember a time in my life when everything was perfect. 

Even for a few days, a moment, a breath, so I could take it all in and bask in the perfection. You know...perfect. My professional life - working for the right company, with opportunity for promotion, great supportive bosses who are not condescending in their tone and treat you with respect as they foster your growth, and then, personally, being with someone longer than two months, who is happy to be with you who wakes up thinking about you and gives you that glow that lets you fly through your days, and then, the little things, your flat is awesome, you have transportation and it moves, the wheels, the AC, the wipers, everything in the car is rock solid, your bank account, is not struggling on E, it's healthy you can afford to get a new pair of shoes, get your nappy hair steamed, get your nails done and not think, ok, so what account should I charge this to. Perfect! Everything sitting nice and pretty and perfect and no worry for me. Even if it is for a moment, a week, a brief interlude just so I can exhale, heal from all the times when it wasn't. I can simply be...

All I know is everything blows over.

That problem you think is so overwhelming it would almost choke you, keeps you up at night, keeps you gasping in between breaths, hot sweats the ish out of you, yes, that problem, will blow over someday...it just depends on when.

I remember last year coming to Lagos intermittently in between work. I used to relish meetings scheduled in Lagos so I could sneak in a trip to get my self pampered, nails, hair, get this bread, scones and cupcakes that I love at this store in Victoria Island. I used to stock up on it just as I head to the airport. As I eat it in PH, I would slowly pinch away at it, wishing it would never diminish, relishing and savoring every bite until my next trip. Now. I pass it every day. I go to church right beside the confectioner. I can either choose to fill up on the pastries or observe my diet and keep it moving. That hunger, that want for something I didn't have...it blew over, and now I have so much of it, I turn it down. 

One time several years ago my company didn't think I was worthy of the business trip to Brussels, they gave some PC bullshit excuse, and I swallowed it with tears in my eyes. 10 years later and one lazy sunny Saturday afternoon, a spur-of-the-moment bus trip took me to Brussels. I got there and I didn't know what to do with myself. One of the best weekends of my life, to finally get that which I was deprived of for no utter reason. Brussels was dirty, rough and covered with beer and chocolates. Uniquely brown to me. Now, I know. And it all blew over. I wish it didn't have to take 10 years but nevertheless it came to be. 

So as I deal with my life now, I keep nursing the hope that these issues, these surmounting issues that I am dealing with will one day all blow over. Having more than a million Naira in my bank account at a time, getting land in Ikoyi that my landlord has said that I will not get - forgetting that it is not by his hands but by God's Hands - traveling abroad on a whim and not have to think about the ticket prices, working for a company that I love, co-workers and bosses that I want to be around every day, a company that I want to see excel, that does transactions by the book with goals that help the society and nurtures my dreams. This last one has seemed like a lifelong search and one day, one fine day, it will all truly blow over. 

And then I can sit and bask and thank God that everything in my life, this tortured artist in a lawyer's body's life is finally perfect - even if it's for a little bit, a teensy bit. 

I've been away doing some soulless writing, I fear I may soon have more time on my hands for this, or God willing I may have some adventure worthy to write about.

Let us pray for the latter...