test of strength

Keanu Reeves is not a big advocate of the saying 'life begins at 40'. Instead The Matrix star has revealed that starting his fourth decade last year plunged him into a period of depression.According to Female First, the Hollywood actor felt enormously gloomy when he started to brood about how many years he had left on the planet.

"It was a nightmare," he admits. "It reminded me of adolescence and it felt like an internal transformation with physical aspect, like when your hormones run wild.

"But this time with a conscious shift, an awareness of your own mortality."

The Canadian-born actor hit 40 on September 2nd 2004.

I have not lost my sense of humor, or sense of self, though I feel it waning slightly. If this is a test of strength then I have failed, if this is a test of smarts then I have failed it even more. I can't help feeling the point is, there is no point. That's the thing with faint long winded failures and pitfalls in life, in hindsight, there really never is a point, people say, in ten years you will see the point, I am still trying to figure out the point to some others, and one more comes and shows its face. There is no point. I am just as Keanu was.

memorizing

For the past month I have been reading one topic on my Individual Employment Law course outline: Discrimination. One word, a whole lotta work involved in it.

I have this saying, when someone tells me about something, a new task, a new field, or even a recruiter tries to explain job duties of a certain field, I often say to myself, "It is not rocket science. I am sure in some way, with some time I can figure it out."

This belief has made me strong to take on new tasks and accomplish them with prowess. Until I met something called Discrimination. It is not Rocket Science but it sure as hell feels like it. Wow! A whole month, and yet still I am not done. Granted the month has not been all well with everything that's going on in my life. But then, Discrimination text just will not go down with a glass of water, a glass of wine, anything at all. Geez!

I had an epiphany last weekend that that would be my last week unemployed. I don't feel that way about this week. I really don't. I wish I did. I want to. I really want to be employed. Just thinking about it gives me a headache. It's tiresome and weary.

Dear God, please let me work this out, the kinks, the battles, the questions, the self-doubt, the everything, give me strength to fight this battle and come out swinging. These I ask of you this day. In Jesus name, Amen.

3 weeks later...

Well, 3 weeks later, and the earth has not moved. I am still unemployed and single and depressed and filled with angst and being rejected more times than before. I have signed up with a multitude of agencies. I have also done so much faxing, my fax machine is panting. But the earth has not moved. I feel like the devil has won. I know God must be saying, how defeated I feel. But I can't help feeling, this is what the devil wanted, and somehow it has happened, and he must be cheering somewhere filled with glee as I sob, and then, I am the one who believed in God. Yet the devil beat me.

My official deadline was March 15th, that is when I run out of money and the second round of bills have to be paidd. So far I am not meeting that deadline.

Yes, the devil won this time.