realization

I realized today several important things about myself, a confusing set of facts but so complicated too.

I realized that I enjoy writing. I absolutely enjoy it. I don't enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing but I still enjoy a little bit of both, more of writing. I also realized that in my love for writing I have done several things: I have bought a laptop to aid my writing, so I can write anywhere. I am considering getting a PDA and I have acquired several CD's to inspire me into writing something, anything.

But most of all, I write mainly about one thing, one person. Him. I havent been inspired to write anything else, about anything else. This wasn't always the case.

Even as I spend hours writing, which is a good thing if you have the ambition of making a living as a writer as I do, you start to wonder, how can I stay at home all day poring over said laptop, writing about stuff that is not even relevant even if at all just to me, and why does it even matter at all? When there's so much of the world to be discovered and experienced? Why would you choose to spend the entire day indoors writing?

This wouldn't be a bad deal except for two very important things:
1) I am writing about stuff that doesn't even matter at all. A story about him and it's not exactly going to make it on the bestseller list.
2) I am still single and everyone I know that knows that I am single has advised that I get out there some more. go out, live it up with friends, abandon the laptop and hopeless dreams put down on paper, just get out there.

Getting out there, also plays on my love for writing, I write better when I've experienced something more interesting and out of the extraordinary. Sitting at home is also fine with me, I moved into this house to create a space for creation. my rent prorated comes to $22 a day and with all that money being paid for my space why would I want to leave it?

I know I should put myself on the market and I also know it helps me to create, but I don't want to stop writing and I can't imagine my self, my head without it.

I didn't go to church today. I haven't been able to lift myself outta anything all day. I apologize to God for being ignorant and neglecting to go to church but I don't know I get that way sometimes. Everyone feels sorry for me that I am not in a relationship and sometimes I feel sorry for myself too. But the truth of the matter is I am too complicated to be in a relationship right now. I am stuck in a dream and I am not in touch with the reality of anything. No one wants that kind of person and no one has--that's why I am still single. It just makes me feel incomplete when I don't have these things and these things I am talking about do not include a relationship. Sorry, they don't.

I ask God for understanding of myself and what I want out of this life that He has put me in. I ask that he shines light on the complicated facets and explains them to me even though I have chosen to be away from his holy temple. I ask for direction and I ask for peace wth my inner self, my demons and my family. And I ask for prosperity in my day job and sense of self in all my doings. I thank Him for the blessings in my life, for my creativity and for getting me this far and that His Holy hand gets me farther into where I need to be. these and more I ask of thee O Lord. Amen.

Crazy

Every time I spend time with my family, my nieces, my mum and just the whole lot of them, it just reminds me more of why I felt the need to move out, completely away from them so prematurely and with so much pleasure.

I know this may seem like a terrible thing to say about one's family but truly, you've never met mine. They simply drive me crazy. My sister's kids make you consider taking kids out of the picture of your life. My mum is just domineering and controlling. My aunty who is here temporarily just does not have a clue about anything. And then, my sister, I cannot say enough about her, but I shall just illustrate by shaking my head.

It just gets so overwhelming and tiring when I am with them, and simply put disaster is not too far away.

My sister called me some days ago and said she wants me to spend the day with my mum and the kids since I have not seen them in a while. Yes, it's true it's been two weeks since I've seen them and I was not egging to go. So, we decided that it shall be today--Saturday. I wake up today, thinking they shall be in my house any minute, and my mum calls and says, you were supposed to come pick us up not the other way around. I am like fuck, I don't want to step out of the house today, I am too tired and it's a weekend. I pick them up eventually and the rest of the day was so horrendous I shan't talk about it too much lest I read this days later and it brings back bad memories.

I sometimes feel lonely and in need of someone to share my stories with, or to just chat with but when they come around it's so much chaos and trying to stop the kids from breaking stuff or dropping stuff, or just causing a racket that in less than 10 minutes you think, it is time for you all to leave. I need my fucking peace of mind. Thats what I came here for, that's what I live here for.

This is not right? It's not.

signed sealed

I miss my muse. Yes, my muse. I had a fan who used to give me commentary on my Keanu chronicles but she has stopped writing and sending her input. I know she probably has real life to deal with, just like I do, but I miss my muse. Greatly.

I had a little furniture drama at work, so I didn't get any work done today and it makes me feel really bad because Tuesday is going to be a tough day at work. Isn't this work thing just getting too overzealous for me, thinking about doing a good job even though I am away from it.

My Keanu calendar missed out the month of September; it has two pages for October and no September, this wouldn't be a bad deal if sept. wasn't his birthday. you'd think they'd do something special for it.

I changed my friday routine a bit. I put nothing in the morning and moved my workout to the evening, which wouldn't be so bad except I need to write, to create and Friday night seemed to be working for me for the past month, why did my silliness have to switch stuff all around. I need to create. I have to look for a good time for study, creation and all what nots cos I am thinking of including so many new things in my schedule and they need quiet time.

*There's so many bits and pieces of what I am, so much that I wish people knew or appreciated, so much to express to fathom to invent, and there I am a flower, rusting burnished in my spot for someone to pluck before my ripen dies, which I fear is so close. So close.

That's how I know that God is real*


I need to create. That's how I know that I am real.

Simple Things

I have been so encapsulated by boredom this week. I come home and there's nothing to watch and there's nothing to do. I try to write but I can't. I go online and it's worse, there's no fun email, there's nothing to wrap my attention for at least 2 hours. It causes me to feel tired and then, I either want to eat/drink or just go to bed.

At work I was just the same even though I have a busy calendar next week, I can't seem to focus long enough to work the calendar. So, I surf and the worst part is, there's nothing good to surf.

So here I am. I figured that since Tuesday--which also happens to be Foreclosure Tuesday--is Keanu's Birthday and one of the busiest times in my office, that I may just do a little Keanu tribute (when has this journal not been about him) and just scribble about anything, letting the obsession unleash. Starting with how many of his movies I can stand to watch...aargh!


1. SPEED (yes, this is my favorite even though he despises it with a passion, and it is not what got me hooked I was hooked way earlier than this.)
2. DEVIL'S ADVOCATE.
3. The GIFT. (Keanu, so rough, so angry, so manly and some damn good acting)
4. Point Break. (The foot chase scene is a classic, he should do this more often)
5. Bram Stoker's Dracula. ( the accent was a little weak, but the passion scene with the 3 witches was intense and he had good intentions for the movie, besides it was Francis Ford Coppola)
6. My Own Private Idaho. (yes this was the second movie I saw him in and the one that sealed the deal for me)
7. The Replacements. (weak script but he danced and that weight on him was good)
8. Matrix, Reloaded & Revolutions (even though I haven't seen the last one I trust in his ability)
9. Love You to death. (dorky Keanu is good Keanu, it shows someone is having fun with the role)
10. Parenthood. (this was the first, something about this just made me know I was in trouble and I haven't let go since.)

don't you wonder?

I wonder about certain things:

I wonder that since there's now an operation that can turn a man into a woman and vice versa, can there possibly be an operation to turn a white person into a black person (not that they'd want to be black asides from Eminem) and vice versa for the likes of Michael Jackson.

However, how much will it cost, and just how many people will line up for that kind of operation? I bet every aspiring black actor out there would be first in line, anything to get ahead in Hollywood.

I just wondered about that: Will I participate. I do't know yet. Maybe, maybe not. The thought has crossed my mind though. Shocking revelation for anyone reading this right now, I suppose.

agile you!

I came into work today determined to work. By some miracle the traffic wasn't so heavy so it got me here a little early than I had expected, I stepped in 20 minutes to time and jumped right in there. I guess it's the vacation for this weekend that is making me want to cover ground and do as much of what I need to do now to make up time.

Last night I was exhausted. I didn't finish Queer Eye...that exhausted, I didn't have any alcohol and no heavy food, I was just tired. I couldn't write, going online was a waste of time as it's been boring and flat of late and everything has just lost its sizzle.

It's Keanu's birthday in a week. Why does that concern me? It should probably be of concern to whoever he's loving right now, she's probably running around trying to get him a good present, her tied up in a nice neat red bow, possibly with two other women his fantasy shag while he screams: Oh Yeah! I don't know. I was just thinking about that line in that En Vogue song: And I wonder who's loving you.

I really wonder who's loving him. She must be real skinny, intelligent and beautiful, and everything I aspire to be. I wonder about it, is it serious or is it just a fling, or does it really matter to my feeble head except to express just how stupidly infatuated I am?

What are we to do today to drive the boredom away?

my writing

I sometimes read my writing and it would read so bad, so childish, like a conversation set for children. When I have it in front of me, it doesn't read that bad. But when it's online it takes a different meaning and it's like, "What child are you writing about?" "Who are these children having this conversation?" 

This is the dialogue, that is the most important thing to me when I write the dialogue, the descriptive analysis is not as essential as the dialogue is to me, it should be engaging, entertaining, a step by step type of thing.

This afternoon, my boss wanted to know what my dream is: Sometimes you run so far from it that you tend to forget, okay so what is my dream? Oh, it is first and foremost to write, to be a writer of screenplays. That one hit wonder movie that will get all the awards and attract all the buzz, and just poof! I am outta circulation. That's my dream, I am not going for an all time record, just that one touchdown. That's it, that's all.

Anything extra is just it, extra.

Just a little unlike me

I had a very whoa! weekend.

I was suddenly overwhelmed by the fact that I either need to make more money or get a part-time job. And that realization was not an easy one. I spent the earlier part trying to do something about it, and the latter part sulking about it. Then, the most part was spent trying to ration out the little money I have until I pay my rent next week. This growing up thing is hard sans sugar daddy.

My friend called, she just came in from Nigeria about 2 weeks ago with all the news about my friends back home. Guess who is married. Sola! Who is Sola? Just the only man I ever wanted to marry next to Keanu. He was my Nigerian Keanu, I figured since I cannot get the real thing why not find a substitute, we went to Law School together, shagged quite a bit, and then, he was perfect. I know I will never get to marry Keanu but everyday I ask myself, why do you like him, because he is kind, has the nicest eyes and he is sweet natured, if I can get all that in a man right now, I will be content. Then, I found it in Sola, but he did not see it in me. I moved out here, and he got married.

It breaks my heart.

There can't be another substitute still out there, is there?

So, I am not upset, I am not happy I am just distraught, I feel like life abandoned me here. Why?

just when

Just when you thought it was safe to be you again.

The office is in disarray. I somehow feel sorry for my boss almost. The other paralegal quit, she landed another job, just hearing her say that to my boss, "The job has better benefits, better pay, medical, and all the other niceties." It's like saying, you don't have that and I need that so, goodbye, see ya.

So now she has to get someone new, train the person, and of course run the risk of losing business in the process. It is like starting over. This girl has been with her for 5 years, dedicated, and just good to her. And she's been good at what she does too, where can you get that these days?

I said, I almost feel sorry for her because I suppose if she did offer those benefits we wouldn't be in the predicament we are in now, but I didn't think there was that much pay to go around, you know. So it's a try to win, but its hard to situation. This whole career thing is like a constant hunt, you have to keep searching for what makes you happy and where you fit in, or your skills can be put to the best use.

I just want to find myself there, somewhere there is no bullshit, no power tussle, no boredom on the job, using my talent and feel "useful" more than "used."

Find yourself there, Anita. Will someone take me?

bored

Bored, in need of entertainment. So I wrote:

You are my release, my escape, the exhale, and the inhale, you are the impossible that lines my insides, you are what you are, unreachable cos' you are far. You are my release. My fascination release, my determination to release is founded upon what you are, You. With that impossible scar.

bitter

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I develop this strange addictions to stuff and it just becomes a habit. Lately, it's been icecream, about 3 heavy scoops of icecream as dessert every single night of the week. How bizarre is that?

I want to lose weight, I swear I do, I have never hated my body anymore than now I presently do not own any clothes that fit perfectly they either grab me in uncomfortable areas and I am aware of all this but yet I gorge icecream at 10:30 at night, and then I don't have the resistance to stop going for seconds. It's insane.

I was watching queer eye for the straight guy tonight and they said you know what is sexy, confidence, when you look goood, and you feel good with yourself nothing builds sexiness like that. And it's true you lose all sight of how you should truly feel and look down on the ground half the time because you are not confident enough and you can't play to win if you are not confident. Just like the movie "Catch me if you can" emphasizes.

I should not be this pitiful and full. I have no self control. It's bad. I am so bloated that I can't go to bed right now because I am so filled up with milky icecream.

No, Anita. Bad Anita.

Somebody tell me how to stop. this is the chief cause of obesity in people. They do not make the right choices, they do not know how to build the resistance to have one round of food and that's it. WE always choose to super size our meals or eat large grotesque portions of fatty foods, eg icecream.

bad Anita. Stop doing this to yourself.

My Name is Anita and I am an eataholic.

That's my story.

To be continued

In continuation of my earlier story which was interrupted by several things. My boss kept coming into my office today. Today was one of the few lighthearted days we had, thank goodness, you know how I hate Mondays. Even traffic was bearable compared to last week monday where I spent an hour and a half in traffic.

The reason why I didn't pursue my aunt's other option in resolving the jack in my car was, I felt emabrassed and angered. Why should you put a jack in my car? Why? I haven't broken any laws, I didn't trespass, why? Is it for money hell, I'll give you the money just keep your greasy hands off my car. I had faith that nothing will happen to my car whilst I shopped it was just a pity that something that embarassing had to happen while I was with my aunt. Everyone thought I should have pleaded with them and perhaps they would have let my car off with a warning but I didn't want to give them the pleasure of seeing me beg. Idiots!

I did an alarming lot of writing today. Good stuff too, something just brought out the writing in me. I also had a very interesting chat with my ex-boyfriend. We talked about his recent break up from a girl who is a lawyer like myself and who broke up with him because she felt he didn't love her enough. These were just the same reasons I might have used if I had officially broken up with him. I just left him with no calls and no information for a long time so he just pieced it all together himself. Painful for him but I hate confrontations.

My boss caught me sleeping during lunch and said she felt worried cause I am always grabbing a nap during lunch. Do you have boyfriend who's keeping you awake? She asked. How amusing? My writing and somber thoughts keep me awake and then when I sleep I can hardly seem to want to wake up.

That was my day.

Now my prayer for the week:

I thank God for the good, the bad and the every changing pace of my life. I pray for help in the pursuit of excellence and success and for any goodness and blessings He will be merciful enough to send my way. I continually entrust my life in His hands, and I shall always remember that He that brought me this far will not let me fall. Be with my family and I as we go through life's battles.

In Jesus Mighty Name we pray, Amen!

really

I really needed to put something down yesterday but I was so tired and just lost in myself. As my mother will say, my morale was low.

I drove my auntie to Lennox Mall on Saturday thought I'd give her a taste of downtown, but it was bad. W parked in the wrong place and then the marshals there stiffed me $50. What's worse is I had to get it from my auntie. Isn't that bad. I didn't have enough money to cover it. I felt so low, like the bottom of the deep sea low, and to top it off we didn't even buy anything, we couldn't afford anything in the store. We were being cheap and just conservative, just for us to get outside and get stiffed $50. It was just a low point to my weekend.

I woke up on Sunday not feeling very church-y, I was just tired and drawn into myself. Nothing mattered and I just had to suck it in to go to the gym and think. So think I did. 

glad the week has ended

A very good friend of mine wrote a general mail to all her friends saying she had an accident right iin front of her house on the 24th of July. Gosh! I can't even remember what I was up to that day. She was apparently hit by a car that swerved and hit her violently tossing her in the air and dropping her onto the ground just before it proceeded to try to trample on her before they stopped the creepo.

I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. It's one thing that I haven't heard from her in a while but to hear from her and its bad news, it's bad. I sent her a vague note, asking her to thank God, cos' so will I? And to praise Him everyday for sparing her life in such a devastating event.

I am glad the week has ended. No particular reason it wasn't a bad week, I am just glad it's over. I get tired when people make you responsible for their bills, for every call to a bill collector, to a mortgage company, telling you why they haven't paid and asking you to plead with the mortgage coy or whatnot on their behalf. WTF! IT shouldn't be my problem, I have enough of it as it is, I have bills too, and I whine even though to myself and online so you all should learn to do the same. I wasn't exactly slammed with work this week so I felt kind of redundant at work. But with the little I had I tried my best to work all of them out. However, the problematic phone calls were getting on my nerves.

There are several things I wish to buy and I am just hoping I have what it takes to suck it all in and buy them:

1) A Louis Vuitton bag. Don 't ask and I shan't tell. From the prices I saw I may just settle for a wallet. the only problem is, I don't carry wallets.
2) Those mini computer thingies that you carry around, PDAS, whatever that stands for. Just in case I get stuck in traffic and I want to write something down or I have a great idea for my story I can write them down in there. After being trapped in that one hour traffic jam on monday, I wished I had some kind of recreation to keep me sane.

I hope God helps my friend to heal. KIt's too gory a tale to have it happen to someone you love.

I was somewhat amused by the blackout in New York. I have often noticed how completely reliant this country is on power, electricity, so I knew that a blackout would devastate them. I come from Africa where there is power 20 % of the time, we know what to do when there's none and we celebrate when there is. I remember all my battery-operated radios, and TV sets, and sleeping naked at night just so you don't burn up, and having to battle the mosquitoes just as well. It's horrid but I suppose those experiences prepare you for the extreme and let you know that there is an opposite end to all that, so don't trust that power is the only way to survive. Western World should wake up and smell the hardships of reality, all these exotic living, is too bourgeoisie where I'm from. If it did happen in georgia, I wouldn't even bat an eyelid, time to break out the candles, and learn how to heat up food with real flames, somehow the food turns out tastier too.

That was a scintillating tale for the week.

Paris

I had a weird stupendous dream last night.

It had Paris in it. Beautiful streets of Paris. Keanu in a scarf, a little more weight on him as if he had retired, and then a black beautiful girl, that was not me, and then an India.Arie song. You know the one where she talks about nature being a beautiful creation by God.

"That's how I know that God is real...all of this is not by chance."

More details may come to me later but it was all hazy. I know I turned several times just cos of it, and I looked at the clock, it was 6 am. These are the key things that I can remember about it now. #Paris. French speaking people. God. Praising God. Keanu. With a Scarf around his neck. Black girl. In a bus with him.

That's it.

what would you do?

TMI: "Uugh....All these salads are giving me the runs?"

I was thinking stupidly today. When have I not thought that way?

I was thinking that what if someone gave me the opportunity to be with him if only I'd do something. You know like the "make the deal with the devil" sorta thing.

I asked myself: Would you sell your soul to the devil for that?
Answer: No. No one or anything is worth that. I say that even acknowledging how much, how really much I want this, But I wouldn't. I love God too much.
Tempter: Then, what would you give? Your pinky, what?

I hear people say this all the time, I would give my left nut to be with Pamela Anderson, (insert hottie of your dream in here) but for me, I don't know...perhaps the ounces of fat that I have in abundance. Perhaps, my love for food. I don't know...Look at Charlotte in Sex and the City, as she said, she gave up Christ for that guy she married on the show. Why would you give up your religion for someone, didn't you believe in it that strongly? I don't get it.

I don't know what I would give up or the hurdle I would have to cross to get there. But some things, some principles of mine would draw the line, and help m decide. Nothing is worth giving those up, No one. Not even him.

Keanu Withdrawal

I am suffering from Keanu withdrawal.

I went to work so downcast this morning.

I am broke. I have a dozen and one bills that need to be paid and there is no money coming in. I feel like I need a Keanu fix to escape it all but I can't afford the $11.50 fee to go see him on IMAX, no matter what, not even to charge my credit card with it.

So I suppress it and go to work and hope, pray for a good Monday.

The day goes by fast, a couple of rude clients. They call back to apologize. This never happens.

On my way home, it takes me an hour and a half to get home. 90 minutes of my life. I am angry, upset, frustrated by the traffic, and then, I just ignore it and try to exhale even though it goes back into me.

I get home. Eat a salad. Is thrilled that there isn't a new bill in my mail. I open my online inbox, and I see a message to the Yahoo group I moderate. Some new member is upset that I didn't say Hi to her. Can you fucking believe this, she is upset that we didn't welcome her. I have never heard such total bullshit in my life. I am upset and infuriated that she would fill our inboxes with such an angry mail, it was annoying even for me.

I respond. Politely. Now, I am sitting here thinking, how angry am I? What would cool me down asides from a slow screw from the man himself.

It's been bad. Crummy. Monday. Bad traffic, bad email, I didn't peel the skin off my chicken and I have a dozen unpaid bills.

So, I need a Keanu fix. Everytime I get upset I always think how cool and calm he often is, and I think, Calm down Anita, this isn't something to be mad about, you know. My angry self turns to Russell Crowe type personality and a Keanu type persona is the only thing that can cool me down. This may not make sense.

Anyone have an extra ticket to Matrix Reloaded on Imax?

tidbits to add to my work lest I forget

*Please ignore these*

He had kept himself inside the room for so long that he had memorized the predictable linear quality of its architecture. The beds, and bedpreads, the windows with its curtains stopping short just before they fall to the floor, the mini fridge filled with bottled water, and the tall glass used to drink the water, a tray constantly being pulled in and out for food, and his slippers by the table where he sat and wrote in a mini journal constantly, something he hardly ever used to do before he was sandwiched inside this place.

It needs work but I am just putting down something that came into my head, lest I forget. I got some good ideas for dialogue while I was watching SWAT but silly me, I didnt write them down or anything at all and it is lost forever. You get the best inspiration while you are at a movie.

My Fortune Cookie yesterday read: "You are almost there."

I wish I could believe that.

Lord get me 'there". If only I knew or understood where there was.

thorough me weekend

Had a thorough Me weekend.

Went to the gym all through, used the weights and kept running into the same guy in my complex, or shall I say rude guy cos he never says hello and I don't say it either, and he always wants to leave ten minutes after I've walked in the door.

The bad part was waking up at 7 am on Sunday from that bad dream I had that I ad fought with my boss. The hopes of moving to that law firm that practices the opposite of Consumer bankruptcy just took over my morning and I couldn't sleep again after that. However, it gave me some time to do something around the house: redecorated, put up my African artifacts, finished my Keanu story, got my hair conditioned. Good weekend.

Also saw S.W.A.T. yesterday.

I don't know what it is with me and action movies they make me feel invincible. I hardly go to the theater to see anything else, anything else can wait until video but action movies; the sound alone just takes over you and you just want to kickass. I loved the movie, I was actually cheering for the bad guy to get away, just cos I could. I wanted Colin's former partner to get away with it and for Olivier to prove that the American man's greed surpasses his ethics. However that was not to be. But the bad guy in that movie where have I seen him before. He played the meanie so good side by side with Colin.

Tidbits: Colin needs to wax his eyebrows. Good, engaging, lovable to watch actor. But those eyebrows, man!
Michelle needs acting lessons.
And Todd, aka LL Cool J, this is a good gig for him. Suits him perfectly.

The me weekend continues, and I hope it leads to a good week. No fight with bosses here. God willing.

It's not ex-boyfriend day is it?

It must be ex-boyfriend day and I missed it on the calendar.

I installed Yahoo Messenger on my computer at work so I can while away time just as much as my other co-workers do at work especially now that we work extra long hours.

Who hits me up on my computer today. Ex boyfriend no 1. of cos it always has to be the guy that broke your heart into several minute pieces, who never gave a shit and who thought your feelings was something to be played with. Yes, that ex boyfriend, who IM's you all excited that he was finally able to reach you and wondering why you never tried to reach him. Maybe because I am trying to save my ass from your despicable self. We chat and I give him my phone number, (stuoud mistake) knowing he is going to call excessively. It don't matter, I am hardly home to take the excessive calls.

Twenty minutes later, ex no 2 IM's me. Hey, former love of my life, howya been, he asks? Yes, I was to him the love of his life. This guy is opposite of the first guy. I broke this one's heart. I liked him at first, he wasn't serious, as the Gemini I am I lost interest after I had wooed him senseless with my poetry and charm, he falls hopelessly but by then it's too late, I am on to someone else.

Would I like any of these men to come back into my life, I don't know. I know cheesy ex no 1 wants to come back so bad, his pride doesn't want to let him just say it openly. I miss you and I am sorry for the past. Why do men find it so hard to say that? But ex No. 2 seems to be running from me, I am probably too complicated for him right now.

I just want to be in a different place, be a different person, more focused, less on the impossible if I can help it, and just more shirking of all these men I left in my past. It would be better if I had what it takes to get some worthy guys now, but I don't, I haven't been able to.

I feel like I should write to ex no. 1 and apologize and ask him what he's like now, what his love life's like right now. And find out why I somehow "like" him a lot better than I do no. 1.

What's cheesier is ex. no. 1 just called wants me to stay in touch.

Is it too early to say dream on?

If I should

If I should die now, I have no complaints at all.

No, I haven't banged or at least met Keanu Reeves.

I haven't been to Europe and seen the Sisten Chapel, backpacked over hills, slept in tiny inns and just drank full bodied lagers till I can no more.

I haven't augmented my boobs, sucked out my fat ass and posed in a wonderful barely there bikini.

I haven't seen my name in lights, as in written and produced by Anita ....

I haven't given a thank you speech to God, my family, etc at any awards show whatsoever.

I haven't had someone fall in love with me.

I haven't done any of these lifelong dreams, but I just know with a faint hint of despair inside me that neither of them will ever happen, so I should throw in the hat now and have no complaints about living an unfulfilled life.

Good news for me!

A little bit over a lot has happened in my life since yesterday.

My nephew was born this morning at 7:30 a.m. He is so adorable. We are naming him Pierce because my sister is a huge huge fan of Pierce Brosnan. Isn't it funny? I know, no doubt what I will name my son, if you guess it right, I'll give you a fiver. So, Pierce is with us no, he looks nothing like the real Pierce but he is even more adorable, our little action star. So I finally have a nephew.


Then, yesterday I missed my exit to the route I often take to get home that takes me a little more than an hour to get home, and I found myself on I-85. It took me 30 minutes to get home. 30 minutes I was so excited about it, I couldn't believe how clear that roadway was, I was like a little mix up got me here and bam! I am cruising down the freeway getting home before 7. Just as well cos as soon as I called my sister she told me the doctor had admitted her and was about to induce labor. Crazy woman she drove herself to the hospital and as of Monday, she still went to work.

What's crazier was that after seeing them at the hospital this morning, I decided to try I-85 again and then, bam! I was at the office within 30 minutes again, I just got here 15 minutes later than our 9 a.m. kick off time. Imma keep using it now, try my luck, it may just be the better route for me, since we open a little later than rush hour now.

In other news, I am excited about my nephew. Excited!

Tiring Day

I am about to hit the sack in preparation for another equally exhausting day just like the one I had today. Here goes my working out in the evening, writing, and so on.

I was glad to see a picture like this one in my mailbox, from the new LJ group I joined over the weekend. Rather Refreshing!



I know I should probably remember what he was thinking or smirking about, at that point in the interview but I was too knackered that night to care. All I did was stare. You see why...

Thanks to the people who bother to cut and save these.

effortless

I came in to work early today to do some much needed websurfing. Unfortunately, that was not to be, because the Web had a life span of its own. So I am getting to do it now, 3 hours in to work and looking over my shoulder type surfing which I hate. the Only good part is my boss just stepped out and the other "boss" is busy seeing everybody else the main boss is supposed to be seeing.

Couple of pointers.

1) I don't want to lose hope about that other thing called success and fun in my life.

2) My horoscope gave me a shitty update--Explain to me how this applies to me?

Mercury, your ruling planet, is now in Virgo, and this makes now a good time to look into real estate, especially if you have had any ideas about moving, buying, selling, or investing in general. But don't get around to signing any contracts at this time, as both Venus and the Sun in Leo oppose Neptune, which could mean that things get very confused. If you are about to sign any final documents, make sure you check them out thoroughly.

Rent this month was tight and they are yet to cash their check!

Then, I can't stop thinking about him.

Why?

Perhaps I should disengage from all those people that want to talk about him day and night and sorta distract me from the mundane activities in my life. Perhaps. Perhaps, I enjoy it.

I pray this is a good week. And if it happens this week, I shall be happier. as for now, I am glad, I thank God, and I have no regrets. I owe God my life.

Amen.

been thinking, what else is new

And I thought I couldn't stay away from this journal for loong, it's been awhile since I updated something substantial.

In that time I have been thinking about what I should be doing with my life now that I am alone and have more time to consolidate with my thoughts. That was the whole plan when I moved out, I wanted the new space to give me the opportunity to consort with my thoughts without having my plans or thinking rudely interrupted by somebody else's plans. So here I am a month and a half in and I haven't done anything, no writing, no trips to the coffee shop with my laptop, no entries in any book reading clubs, no Saturday lunches with the cute guys in the next building, nothing at all. I have just been doing, without actually being.

That has been the chore, so since then I have dusted up the trusty laptop, and cut down the TV watching time, and to do some Anita thinking about Anita strategy time.

No literary ideas have been achieved asides from that little paragraph below that was written at a sad sad time at work. No literary achievements, not even in the Keanu and Shelia territory. Sorry!

Till I get coffee, london and red buses in my sight or his preposterously handsome face before me, I don't know what I'll be doing.