Movies of 2005

Some of the movies from 2005 that I was glad I got to watch even though some of them may have been released some years ago. Music wise I am glad I got to appreciate Rob Thomas music, closely. He is a really good artist, terrific songwriter, and very passionate performer. His voice rises above the instruments which really makes a difference when you compare that to other artists I got to hear sing live. I am gonna keep a close eye on him and his solo career from now.

Apart from that I still love Gavin and Maroon 5, just like last year. Musicwise nothing much was happening. BSB's new CD was a tad disappointing, but their voices made up for it.

The movies in no particular order are: The Door in the Floor, Four Brothers, Prime(very very good) Syriana, Batman Begins, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Talk to Her, Constantine, (and not just because Keanu is in it, it had some deep subliminal messages in it once you get past the eye candy) Crash, United States of Leland, The Family Stone and from 2 days ago, Cinderella Man.

2005 in retrospect...musical influences enclosed

2005 in Retrospect

As I look back and read the journal I sort of reflect on the year past. I also notice that not much has changed in my mindset or my general wellbeing. I still desperately need a second of God’s time. But somehow I feel like He has given it to me, about an hour considering all the trials I went through and survived and lived to talk about it.

1) I turned 31. Aaargh! Am I really that old?

2) Most important is that I lived to see my 31st birthday.

And with all that had happened before I turned 31, I was just glad and content with being alive and having my ducks in a row enough for me to sit back and celebrate it.

3) I lost my job. I lost a job I never even liked.

The year started off great. I was hopeful but nursing some trepidation for the New Year. Then, earlier on in the year, I felt this emptiness stemming from deep sadness and displeasure, what I termed, the “I am not happy phase.” It was just displeasure with life, my future, my loneliness, what I had hoped would happen and was yet to happen and somehow did not look like it was going to happen at all. Then, when I lost the job it just sort of compounded everything and summed up the unhappiness.

I felt like I was living day by day to make it through paycheck to paycheck, so when that happened, the day by day living did not seem plausible. In the space of two months, I spent more time at home, on the phone, in front of the computer, by the fax machine and checking the mailbox, than I have in my entire life. I cried more times than I care to remember. I loved God and hated God all in the same breath for loving me and testing my faith, when I felt I didn’t really need testing. I also lost touch with my online friends, who were trying to be friendly to me and comfort me but I didn’t quite see through their warmth.

Nothing made sense. Your mind closes off and those momentary images of escapism seem so trivial and inconsequential that they cannot scratch the surface of your disdain. You need a fucking clue, a fucking break, for the fucking phone to ring, for some freaking light to glimmer through the fucking tunnel already. You doubt yourself, your skill, your self-worth, and your purpose. Nothing makes sense.

Sometime in between that personal chaos Keanu’s movie Constantine opened and he was caught up in doing press for it. I was not really paying attention at this time. How could I? I remember catching him on Leno late one night, and wondering, “Why, why now? Why can’t I appreciate seeing you?” I started to cry. Nothing made sense and as I tried to force it to seem reasonable, like it was some passage of time, it only got worse.

4) I eventually got a job that turned out much better than the one I had lost. I make more money now and I get to take the last week of December off (to be me) because the company is closed for the year. What could be better? In hindsight, there was a happy ending to that melodrama, apart from the online friends I lost (and my plant dying), the climax, was well worth the happy ending. So somebody up there was listening.

5) Its 2005 and I am still obsessed with KR.

6) I have found that even in my obsession, reality changes how I view everything. I just look at KR now and wonder how no matter how much I obsess over him he could not take me away from the pain and angst even momentarily. I can focus on myself now, on my goals and life’s challenges and act like that obsession does not exist. Though I still freeze up whenever I hear his name mentioned, but life takes control in the times that I don’t.

7) I took a few trips this year.

a) Went to Boston in February for Harvard Business Conference at the Harvard Business School. Really did not enjoy that because I was unemployed at the time and no one knew it. Sitting around talking to future business leaders while you’re still trying to figure out your career goal is a bit testing. However, Boston is different. I don’t know what else to say about it. It was February and some homes and streets still had Xmas lights up. The houses are different, the streets are different and the people are different, so academically inclined. It’s a whole different market from down south. Hoping to go back there again.

b) Went to Fort Lauderdale with my family. I didn’t realize how much I had missed the beach until I got there. So refreshing. Turned out to be one of the best vacations I have ever had. Period. Strolling through South beach, right past Versace’s house. It was amazing.

c) Went to Hilton Head, SC. That trip was rather uneventful. I don’t know why. It just was. Maybe because we were so broke when we decided to take it.

8) I also went to five concerts this year.

a) There was Maroon 5 in March. Which at the time I got the tickets I was so excited to get to see Adam perform live, that when it eventually happened I was unemployed and going through the “senseless” phase, that I really didn’t have time and heart to take it in. Now, I have to wait at least a couple of years before that happens again.

b) BSB in July. This was the first BSB concert since 2001, so I knew I had to be there. I got to share the experience with my brother and nieces, so it was fun. It’s always wonderful to see the Boys live, it’s a thrill every time, and when you see someone else take that in, share the euphoria with you, it just assures you that yes, these Boys can sing and it’s not just me who thinks so. Plus at this time I was happily employed, and that always works for maximum enjoyment.

c) Then, there was Rob Thomas in October. Powerhouse voice with a powerhouse band. This was my second time hearing live instruments performed with no explosions, or pyro, or dance steps or extra frills to distract the concert just sheer performance magic, and it changes everything.

d) Then, there was Will Smith and BSB again. Different kind of tone, different kind of concert. DJ spinning the record in the background is a little awkward. Enough said.

e) Finally my personal best to cap the year, Mr. Gavin DeGraw. This was the most expensive concert out of the lot, because I bought a full-priced ticket based solely on Gavin being there, and stayed only to see him perform 5 songs and left soon after. So $65 for a 20 minute concert seems a bit pricey if you ask me. But the memories. More on that later.

9) I got my first houseguest this year. My good friend Jay drove all the way from Memphis to spend some time with me.

10) I don’t think he’ll be in a hurry to come back. Hmmm…

11) I didn’t have sex.

12) Something tells me I am not missing out on anything since I never really liked sex in the first place. That also explains No. 10 situation above. I don’t know what it is about sex, I miss it, but I don’t like it. I cannot understand why I miss something I never really like participating in.

13) I got my dream car –2005 Honda Element. (After much bickering and bantering from my family)

14) It didn’t take long for the lovely new car to get bashed in by a stray shopping cart at Target during a brief grocery run during my lunch break. I am still deciding if I should sue Target for the damages.

15) In between my angst I decided to do something I had promised myself I would do at the start of this year –trust my instincts. So without a job and lacking the will to study I enlisted myself in Part 1 of my exams by charging the exam fees to my trusty credit card. I just trusted that everything was going to be alright by the time August rolled around and I would be willing and able to take my exams without distraction or hesitation.

16) After much ado, and totally out of left field, making it one of the biggest achievements of this year, I passed my exams. All two of them. To say that God shocked me with that win is an understatement.

17) I am still overweight.

18) And now more than ever I give a shit about my size. I feel like I look 31 only because I carry around all this extra weight. I have so much hatred for everything that moves around in a size 4.

19) I am still employed *knocks on wood*

20) I still believe that God was testing me for something, maybe so I can earn a second of His time. I still believe in miracles and everything else that’s holy and sacred, including the elusive soul mate that I believe He has promised me.

So that is my 2005. And with all that what can I hope for next year:

To be happy and content with what I have which is a whole lot more than what I expected to achieve by this time. To live more, laugh more and enjoy every moment effortlessly and to trust that there is a grand plan inside of everything, every screw up, every shut door, every rejection letter, and every deleted email. There is a grand plan to everything that goes wrong. Most of all I hope to stay humble and to trust that some day it will all turn out right. Right now I can’t ask for one second of God’s time for 2006 since I feel like He has given me a lot more than I deserve at this point. I would just like to thank Him for the second and hope I have more seconds left.

"There is a living Promised Land, even over fields and sand, seasons filled my mind and cover me.--Chariot.

Part of where I am going, is knowing where I am coming from…All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind.”

Sometimes our only way is jumping, hope you are not afraid of heights.”

-- You are so right! Gavin

It’s kind of nice to have a secret that people can feel they discovered for themselves. Sometimes when things you love get really commercial, you end up feeling betrayed by it. ---Gwyneth Paltrow said this in Interview, and I relate it to the new Internet hype surrounding Gavin. Where were this people early 2004 when search engines didn’t know who he was.

Though we care not to wait for the end there comes the end, sooner, later at last, which nothing can mar, nothing mend. An end locked fast, bent we cannot re-mend.

--Summer is ended –Christina Rosetti

Many have questioned that the individual employment relationship is provided by contract because prior to hiring, there is rarely any parity in the relative bargaining power of employer and worker. In its inception it is an act of submission and operated in subordination, no matter how much the submission and the subordination may be concealed by that indispensable figment of the legal mind known as the contract of employment. Also, the agreement between the parties plays a relatively minor role in determining the substance of their reciprocal obligations. Because of the power of command vested in the employer. 

-- Kahn Freund. He speaks the truth.

I sometimes see my life in black and white, with distinct shades of grey fused in to distort any vision of color. My face pales in comparison to the darkness that it holds, and the smile that I try to reach for is not visible to the mind's eye as it weeps, little dots of grey, green and whimsical mauve. It is black and white there is no other explanation to the ashes.

--Yours Truly.

Hope we live and love more in 2006.

In Another Lifetime...

Can you believe I wrote this? I found it while I was surfing through my old journal entries from 2001. I know, the days when creativity flowed.

In another lifetime, can I get to choose you, can we get to have each other, can we choose where we want to be?


In another lifetime, can we get to have peace, to rest easy, put our feet up and love freely? Can we?


In another lifetime, is there hope for interaction without intermission, without bumping, without choking one's space? Is there a place we get to run recklessly wtihout noise being the determinant of our voices, our upraor, our freedom?


In another lifetime, can we get to take sides, choose our places, and the dreams we want to fruition.


Then I can choose you, and you may have to choose me...and in that time, can I get to keep you, without fear that time, or age, or unfortunate circumstance of death would come to claim you from me, and with the reassurance that wherever you get to go, I go also, and where you end up...I shall be, in that same time.


Though now we belong to another.


In another lifetime, I want to love you, be you, have you. And with you, no one else.

This is me as 2005 closes out

This is me (from moments ago). This is how I look now as the year closes out. And that's Gavin's framed pictures in the background of my den with my exam results posted just underneath it. (And God willing my degree will be posted underneath that too) Just my way of saying that as I fantasize and daydream, I also have moments of realism in which I 'kickass' or as I shall choose to say prosper and exist. In which real life continues. But I assume the daydreams help me become me, a better part of me. But me all the same.

So this is me. And how was your Xmas?

tears for 2005

Sometimes when I listen to you I feel like crying, and at times I have cried. It's been like this for two weeks now. Every time you come on in the car, on the computer, in my head, in my sleep, even when I cannot sleep, I cannot think, I cannot write, I just think, and imagine, and sadden softly and sometimes, the tears fall, and sometimes they do not, sometimes I hold strong, but then, there's your voice, that face, that smile, that look, and my mind keeps having these images, of things that I could only hope to happen to me, that may not, that now do not seem so impossible, because I got my one second, the brief time, the moment, and then, it's almost time for tears.

What brings about a transition in this life, when we go from one place to another so fast that we do not know what to do, how to stop it or how it came about or where it would lead. Nothing that I used to do before this makes sense anymore. I feel like running away from myself, from this state the transition has put me because nothing I did before this makes sense, not in the knowing, the absence of so much knowledge was bliss, so much now, so many tears let loose, not that much creativity, nothing else makes sense. I have become this child, so in touch with a certain part of me, 'like a bird onto a tree' holding, believing, trusting. But why the tears? Why now? What is this all supposed to mean? What?

I forgive them for what they did

I got two presents at work today. So far all the attorneys gave me presents for Xmas and I gave them nothing, not even a Xmas Card. I feel bad because I know it is not my nature, but that was just the way the cookie crumbled this year.

So in the words of my good friend: I forgive them for what they've done to me throughout the year. How I have slowly been demoted and become something like an image of myself and my dreams. But it's all forgiven. It's all okay.

I was reading through my old journal entries and realized how important this journal is to me. It gives an account of my year thus far and let's me know what consumed thoughts at every point in time. Last year, I know what I was thinking about and when I read this journal by this time next year, I shall know exactly what was going through my mind. Hopefully, it will be so much more. So much better, so much closer to that "halfway house in time."

A few random things:
I finally got ink for my printer/scanner, 4 months after it ran out, and it cost a pretty penny I can tell you that. Now I don't know what pictures I wanted to scan, it seems so unimportant right now. Maybe because I lost the use of my domain so I am a little heartless right now.

The books for arbitration and tax law, cost about 120 a piece. The story of my life, nothing is ever easy. Where will the money come from? Why do I even bother with the studying when I spend my day being the "file-fetcher."

I normally do like a year end summary of movies, music, and just my life in general tidbits and put it in here. This year should be no exception. I hope I get to do it.

Enough about Gavin but just one more: It's surprising that I haven't felt the need to write a story about him, or anything that inspirational like I did this time last year when I went through my Adam phase. Why haven't I? Hmm...I don't know.

He seems like such a struggling young man, and I feel for him from my heart deeply. I feel like the world needs to take notice of him. He is one artist that if he becomes as big as Usher, I shall want nothing less for him. (If he has his own religion so to speak). He needs some kind of movement, maybe a little more sex appeal, perhaps may do the trick.

Listening to his interviews you can tell there was a search there, a pursuit for a career in music and how much joy it gives him and he works real hard to harness his craft. It just seems sad that he never really exploded, the way I had hoped. He is such a talent and he is just plucking away. He did interviews in stations I would never have thought about, that are so small and have such little target audience, and he belted those tunes out on cue each time. And still Chariot Stripped sold only 21,000 in its debut week. Sad, isn't it. It will happen. Just like my dream to work for that human rights organization, the UN, work as a photographer, write screenplays for movies, just write, and everything else I aspire to do. It will happen, we can only believe, and keep enjoying it. Just like he said, he gets so much joy from music unlike anything else. Better than sex, I assume. I don't know. There are a couple of things for me that are better than sex, though I cannot think of one right off the top of my head right now. It isn't all that. But it's good no less. I digress.

Read at your own peril

Some days start out good and just somehow end up being a bloody awful day. Today is such a day I speak of. Too many countless stupid activities.

. Went for a stupid ass Xmas lunch with my coworkers that was without fanfare and lackluster, and sadly without alcohol. Who goes to celebrate Xmas without alcohol, it's part of Xmas.
. Some idiot's door bashed in my driver door, leaving yet another dent in it. It is now, 4 months since I have had the car and it's been through 3 heavy dinges. What is it about green that attracts them so?
. I told my coworkers I had passed my exams and they so quickly brished it aside, like it was nothing exceptional. I made over 60% for crying out loud, they said not many people get that high.

And there's so much more. I am just really pissed off today. Something tells me it is going to be a very long ass week. I am off next week, but it's not like I have anything planned. I just think it's going to be a very long week, and a very boring week off. What exciting thing can possibly happen to me, what are the exciting things I want to happen to me? How can I make exciting things happen?

A friend of mine asked me if I still like Keanu since it's been all about Gavin lately. Yeah. I still do. Always. That's the thing about my love for Keanu it just lurks, it waits for me to have love affairs with men in my head and then, it comes back to claim me. He has this genuiness of character that just astounds me. It's like I can almost predict that if there's a tame story, it has him written all over it. It's not the same with the others.

But Gavin is hot no doubt. And it's exploded over the past year or so. I remember back in May 2004 when I first got his CD, and did a quick search for him online, nothing pulled up. Not a thing. It was sad. I thought what a great artist and no one likes him. But not quite so now. Sometimes when I see him I just think can I sleep with you just for one time, one time, is that okay? Is it okay for me to feel that way? I never think that way about KR it's more like, what about a lifetime, friendship will also be good too. I would love to listen to you, watch you listen to me.

I have a friend just like that in real life (never thought I'd say real life right) and I like him, we have great conversation, he gets me, makes me spirits up when I am down. But I don't think of sleeping with him. Sometimes I do, when I realize how impossible the Gavins and the Adams are in my life, then, I think of him the Mr. Accessible and Realistic in that way. But in conversation, I never break out and say, you are so hot, Do me please. And I have thought that way about some men IN REAL LIFE. Not just fantasy, and somehow they have come to be, some of them have measured up to expectations, and some in hindisght, not so much.

You see the kinds of things I think about. AT XMAS!

Anyway, this is not what I wanted to talk about tonight. I just want to wish everyone (especially myself)a merry xmas. You can tell I need it.

Unscripted Transition

Long time ago I wrote this piece called Transition. That was my first piece of writing, the first time I knew I could feel something that could not be described in spoken words but written. It was so deep and I didnt even know how I thought it up, but I knew why. I wish I knew where that piece is right now, it may just be worth at least two bucks.

However, this brings me to something else. I feel that way right now. Essentially life leads us through this passage hole, it's planned, like some psychosomatic transient being, just leads you down a coincidental path and it turns into something real, something good, and sometimes the good changes faces, to bad, or unwelcomed, and eventually you wonder, why did this all happen.

I only say this because I have been feeling that way lately. Yesterday in the midst of my good news about my exam result, I felt sad, so sad that I started to cry, and I don't know, I still feel a certain unknown sadness that is just indescribable. I don;t know if its the Gavin overload (BTW in the midst of being someone I thought was quite unknown, I noticed some very 'commercial' attributes to him and his act but more on that later), mixed with my distaste with my body recently. (BTW I planned to do a consult for lipo and then, something just changed my mind.) Suddenly I don't want to be me with this body anymore, and it's even more pronounced right now. More than ever. Then, there is the indescribable sadness, of thinking, I am so far away and each time I feel myself coming closer, something pulls me away. I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. And yes, I did feel this way by this time last year. It was hard to get myself in the mode to start to study then, cos all I wanted to do was write about Adam, and I did. But with this one, I can't even write. I can only sit here upset. Deeply upset. And sad. And infuriated. And more so because I cannot understand why.

Hoping for a break from the fall

Today was a perfect day. If I could use that word loosely. There were a few snags here and there but I couldn't ask for a better day.

First off, even though the weather was bad, and I chose not to leave the house at my regular time, letting the ice melt off the roads before I ventured out, I still arrived at the office, waay earlier than the sole attorney in the office, so he didn't even notice I was gone.

I called the school to find out my exam results. And breathlessly, I awaited the pass or fail mark to my results, and yes, I passed. To say that again, I PASSED. I felt so overjoyed that I went quiet, still with joy! I am still in shock, I'll believe it when I see it on paper, but that was a good feeling, you have no idea.

Then, the rest of the day just felt like I was walking on air. I got to take over an hour for lunch. Went to the mall after work, and got the rest of my Xmas shopping done. You know how you go shopping sometimes and they never have your size in stuff you like, or the store reps are rude, or unconcerned in getting your size, but not today, there were X-large's and then, some. The good day continued.


Came home and my Chariot Stripped CD was in the mailbox. So it's providing my easy evening listening. If only there was alcohol, but it's okay. It feels good, to just sit at ease, and know you are easing into things.

One day I shall find the prize. It just takes time.

hang you to dry

Spent a fair amount of time on Sunday reading Anthony Kiedis' autobiography at B & N. It was some good reading material.

A friend of mine had told me it was worth reading, and I remember in one of his interviews he had mentioned he was working on something with a writer. But it was released and just flew under the radar. For one reason, it is so explicit, the photos are explicit, his lifestyle filled with SO MUCH DRUG USE is explicit and his relationships with women, his managers, producers and band members are explicit. It's like he is constantly trying to resist the urge to get high, to get wasted, and to blow his money on drugs. There was no respite for him, he was always on a downward spiral. He stayed sober and clean, for like a month straight and then, there would be a relapse. How do people live like that? I don't know why I found it fascinating enough that I sat there for close to an hour reading it. There have been many books that I have sampled at Barnes and Noble and none of them have kept me still for that long. You leaf through the pages, catch a paragraph or two and that is about it. But this one was some good stuff. His dysfunctional relationships rung true too. Like fiction is not as intriguing as reality. Not quite. I may just buy it. Plus he donates 5% of his pay to charity. I did the math and I cannot afford to do that.

It just goes to show how different my sister and I are. On Sunday afternoon, she chose to go home and bake some bread for her office Xmas party, while I chose to go to B & N and read about sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Is it any wonder that I am still single?

Moment in Time

This is the best I could do with the photo. So here it is.

So we had fun!

I am so exhausted. The past few days have actually been good better than good, try exciting. Which is a word I don't use slightly. Small recap:

On Monday I went to church for renewal of my faith. Soothing and meditational, except I couldn't stay. It started later than I had anticipated and there was just too much going in my life that night.

Tuesday, I went to the GA Paralegal dinner. It was enlightening to see so many people in the same profession as yourself, who get the jobs that you don't. Fun because it was out of the ordinary for me. I got to spend some time downtown, and downtown in the Xmas season, is beautiful. It nudges you.

Then, of course Wednesday and Thursday. Will Smith and Gavin deGraw concerts back-to-back. Two different lineups, radio station concerts back-to-back. First of all, I want to thank God for making the money available for me to afford that luxury. I was doing the math and it cost about $200 for the tickets alone. All other perks like drinks (insert overpriced beer), parking etc, may come up to $100. But the high you get from it lasts for days. Days.

The first concert was the Will Smith/BSB concert. Which was good, actually I expected it to be better. BSB was great as always, something about the way they perform that always gets me. Not necessarily their harmonies, but just the way they put their passion into singing. The key thing for me was having JC Chasez introduce them. Not many people understood the history behind that and I did, so to put it in his words it was all fitting that he'd be the one to introduce them. The seats for the concert were amazing. Because with all my concerts this year I haven't exactly been blessed with the best seating arrangement, I just didn't go into it with that much enthusiasm as my sister, who hasn't been to a concert in such a long time. I knew they were floor seats, but the thing with floor seats is this, if they are not elevated, you end up having to crane your neck the entire concert. No one wants to do that. So I failed to take my camera along. Ho-hum, I thought, risk the chance of releasing awful pictures again, I don't think so.

Will Smith was okay! It was a different kind of concert. Not the regular kind where everyone is jumping up and down, and dancing aimlessly, this one seemed like it had a focus. The only snag was that it was so short, it ended just as soon as you got into it. I got into it. After we bought a one-time use camera at the local Phillips arena convenience store, I took a whole bunch of pictures before I realized that I forgot to press the flash button, let alone the wind button. So there were several pictures, but they were all imprinted on one another. Hmmm...

Thursday night was the better concert night the Star 94 concert, which comprised of artists that actually use instruments, live bands, and not DJ's like Will Smith and the Pussycat Dolls, which I had experienced the day before. These artists displayed certain experience singing and performing live, and have such great bands. Gavin deGraw was just amazing. I bought the tickets just because I have been such a huge fan of his, (as you all know, from early last year when I bumped into his CD and haven't gotten enough of it) and have often wondered what he would sound like live. So I bought the tickets just because of him. Though there was also Jason Mraz and Switchfoot in the lineup, but I wasn't too hopeful on seeing them either.

I took the leftover of the film from the previous night and thought, floor seats but probably sucky. The seats were sucky. Floor seats, angled to the left of the stage. I was the one at the end, the very last seat at the end, beside this obnoxious couple and even though I arrived at 7.30, I had already missed Howie Day. I just thought, how my luck must suck tonight. Then, Gavin came up as soon as I sat down with my Heineken. He opened with Chariot and I almost dropped my glass of beer. He sounded amazing, I can't say that enough. His voice was fresh and alive, and it filled the arena. Compare this to the night before where I sat through bands like Relient K, and could hardly hear the singer's vocals over the drum beat. Gavin was not that bad. He was good, performed like a veteran. He is in trouble now, cos he just made me a bigger fan.

As if the risk of sounding great was not bad enough. He got up during Chemical Party, left the stage, and walked through the crowd, and through the aisle, through, you guessed it, my end of the floor, right infront of me, he went up the first 100 rows, with the crowd clinging onto him, and then down again, with the crowd and the security clinging onto him right past me twice. TWICE. The first time, I was stunned. I couldn't believe it, people pushed past my seat and clutched him while I just stood there, I didn't know what to do. Some people extended their hands to touch him and just as I decided a feel of his skin may not be that big of a deal, he moved away. I just thought how uncanny. This kinda thing does not happen to me at all. Usually the artist would come down, and walk down to the floor, but through another side of the arena, and I would go, oh my darndest luck. But that was not to be this time around. It was right past me. Twice.

Hopefully the camera worked, and even though it didn't. It would stand as one of my best concert experiences ever. It was so moving that I went outside and bought a t-shirt that reads Gavin deGraw. I don't do that for BSB and I've seen them four times. But this was too much for my silly heart. I'm like, Boy who knew you had it in you, to feel bold enough to leave the stage, and make the security people pant and heave, and walk through the crowd like you are a regular somebody. Who knew! I didn't. I just thought he'd sit there, play his piano, dance a bit, ask us if we are having a good time and that would be it. Not Gavin! Amazing night. I am still reeling from it. The disbelief and sheer luck and verve of the moment. And to think I almost didn't buy those tickets.

Jason Mraz was good as well. He was soo good that he made people go outside and buy his CD. That's a good performance, when people go outside and increase your record sales instantaneously.

All in all it was good, relaxing, wonderful couple of days that has capped my Xmas and a tumultous year.

Dear Gavin, you got me through the hard times and you decided to come down stage to say, hey, let's forget about it all, and have a good Xmas. Good looking out 'men. Thank you.

how far we've come

Just a recap of certain things, since I rarely have the opportunity to talk about myself, and as the year comes to an end you find yourself thinking introspectively about a plethora of things.

First off, the weekend was just okay. I didn't go to church even though there was nothing wrong with me. I was not ill, or depressed (surprise, surprise!). I was just uninspired. Certain things I had hoped to happen to me this year have not happened. I was so uninspired that I didn't go to the gym as well, even though my body soo needs it. I weighed myself at the clinic on Tuesday and it's at 200 pounds. Whopping for someone my size. No wonder no one finds me attractive. And then, that uninspiration stirred the way to this week. I found myself thinking through the long journey to work about the type of work I thought I would get to do when I decided not to go to law school and become a paralegal. I thought maybe I would get to do all the legal work, sans going to court or putting my name onto a pleading. Here we are almost 3 years into it, and it is not so. Instead I am a glorified secretary and as I get older I wonder will I ever get to do it, can I do it, is it something I will be good at, or should I just file it along with my other unsatisfied dreams, right next to "marry Keanu." In six months' time I shall be turning 32, and it is not an easy age, just saying the number sounds ridiculous. I can't believe it is just that far away from 30 which seems like a 'younging'. what is going on? I can't wrap my head around so many things, so many things that relate mainly to my life, like who did i wrong somewhere that I just seem to be grasping not so much holding. Like the songs says, I keep crawling in the dark, looking for the answers." Yes, that is me alright!!

I don't want to sound as if I am ungrateful for what I have; like I said, I am just uninspired. So much hapens around the world, factories are closing, literally closing down. You start to wonder, what is going on? Every time I spend money I think this is a luxury that not many people can afford, and I can, for now, so I should be grateful, but why am I bothered by it.

a trip on sunday morning

I went to West Elm yesterday for the first time. It was phenomenal at least for me, because I had browsed their catalogue consistently for 2 years (without a purchase) and hoped to purchase but was afraid to pay the cost of shipping and handling, and then to have them there present in front of me, to get a chance to discover how truly tall or short the furniture is, test drive it so to speak, is phenomenal. The sad part is I still didn't purchase anything. It was a bit pricier than the catalogue, and I didn't quite budget for all that. And the website has a section for SALE items, not so in the store. But I will purchase some day. I shall budget for it all the way, it may even be the loft style platform bed. But the presentation of the store does not do them any justice. The catalogue is just breathtaking, the store, not so much. Cramped, filled with stuck up employees that size you up before they offer to help, and its so much smaller in size, than any funiture store I have been to, eg, Haverty's, American Signature, let's not even attempt to compare it to IKEA. That one is a zipcode all its own. Speaking of, I went to that one first. And I did and could purchase something in it.

And it will be Christmas soon

I don't hate Christmas. I actually love it. Except that right after it, is one of the worst fucking times of your life. It is often known as the month of January. The month of January is freaking long and depressing and filled with so much uncertainty, that goes as far-reaching as the weather. Needless to say that you are broke, and unsure of how to live up to the new year, trying to get a feel for it, and just then, Valentine's rolls around, which, is bad, not totally worse, it gets worse, when Lenten season rolls around. That is the most depressing, downcast period of all. All this occurs right when you are getting over Xmas - the jingle bells, the bright lights, the prettiness and the gaudy sweaters. After all that, comes the depression and adulthood angst.

The last week of December is also not a very good time to be at work, that's why I am rather excited that we get to take that week off work this time around. The last week as in 27th, 28th, and 28th. No one can get anything done, but apparently so many people try to, and it's inconclusive because no one's around and you are fishing around for people, documents, returned phone calls. You wonder, for once why can't I be the one who gets to leave . WEll, this time I am. And I don't know what to do with it.

Win some, Lose Some

I had a so-so weekend. I knew it would be so-so when the weeked traffic seemed relentless, and the movie I had so eagerly anticipated turned out, hmm...so-so. Clive Owen why do they do this to you, man? You are a looker and a very good actor, you were almost James Bond for pete's sake. He looked so much older and crinkled in that movie, I don't know why. Maybe cos' the script asked for it. I dunno, it wasn't a good look for him. And Jennifer, where would you be without Brad's acting lessons in bed. That movie would have played out so differently with Angelina, I can bet my pennies on it.

So the weekend was so-so, been sitting on this chair for about an hour, downloaded my Rob Thomas pictures from the disc, tried to upload, but you know how it is with dial-up Internet, almost impossible. Almost impossible to get anything done in record time.

This is going to be a rough week. It's one of those weeks I wish I could close my eyes and open it and bam! it's over. Work related, which is my life related sadly. And I seem to be gaining weight around the mid-section, instead of losing it. May up the ante with some diet pills.

Lord help me, be a better person. Because I have nothing else that will probably work for me. Not looks, not smarts, not charms, so I really need to be some kinda gem in some department. That's my win some, lose some speech for tonight. Hopefully too the week goes well.

couldn't you tell

Couldn't you tell...I was the sullen one in the corner, with her hands to her chin, placed firmly with the scowl, and a rambunctious exterior with the lack of a smile; there was a smile but it was locked within, and my self, I have gotten so used to being by myself, that I have plans for myself, that couples couldn't even pull off. Couldn't you tell? That it was me, yellow yet so unpretty. Determined yet no direction. Amazing yet so forgotten. It was me.

Some days are just 'can I please not get out of bed days?' But everyday is like that with me, couldn't you tell? Today was one of those days. Apart from issues at work which I shall not mention for the sake of being labelled as repetitive, there were issues with the traffic, with my weight that has just stopped going anywhere. And issues, that just arise because I choose not to think about them or think about them until mid-week days like this.

I have realized that the reason why my job is not offering or considering me for the contract paralegal position is because I am not smart. I realized that today in between a conversation with someone, in between my failure to exude any intelligence as usual. I realized that if they felt that I could do it, that I needed to be trained to do it, then they would have at least given it a millisecond of a thought. But they didn't albeit that I am undergoing LLM study and whatnot, I can't even hack it as a senior paralegal, how disappointing is that? I realized the cold hard bitter side of this, after the conversation and my friend editing the contents of my letter, badly so badly. I felt to inadequate. If I was really that good I would have written an effortless demand letter. But I am not. With everything else, I am just not good enough. I think I just let 'ditzy, please underestimate me Anita' linger for too long. I think that was my sin and I shall pay for it, somewhat.


Couldn't you tell I am with thought, I have updated two days in a row, I only do that when I can't think good thoughts, just the heavy convoluted ones.

Musings from the desk of Anita on a long, hot November afternoon.

Several things are worth mentioning.

The weekend was okay. I had a really good time on Friday. Saw Prime, a showing that lasted until late in the morning of Saturday, came home and coldn't fall asleep right away. This entry is not really about my weekend, it is my way of reviving my deep thinking, which is sort of what seeing a movie like Prime did for me. It revitalized the thought-provoking, writing part of me, and for the first time in a long time I feel like writing. But you've all seen this entry before, where I talk about how much I want to write and then I never do. This is different I promise. This is just reflective of the weekend. I saw Monster-in-Law, and it reminded me of the poor judgment Hollywood has in making certain movies. Certain movies don't get made, some get made but with such a minimal budget that you wish they had more money and some get made and you wonder why...where oh where did they get the money from?

My thighs and my highs

Just looking at them, they look so normal.

Sure they have a few visible veins, dimples that I would rather prefer on my face, and they jiggle even though not as much now. They look so normal, nothing major, nothing severe, so regular. Until I pick up a pair of normal looking pants that look okay, I judge the waistline, and judge mine and I say it will be fine. You regular pants and my regular thighs will be just fine.

And then, I get into the dressing room and there it happens. The pants stop just above my knee, then you know just how bad they are. You pull out of the pants, stare at them, the wide-leg cut of the pants and the normal looking size of my thighs and you wonder why they are not a perfect match. What could possibly be wrong? In between the part where my thigh meets my knee is this tremendous amount of flesh that has greatly increased so much that I have become accustomed to it. So accustomed that it seems normal, a little jiggly, a little covered in veins but just normal, regular. So much so, I don't know what thin thighs look or feel like. I don't know because I have never experienced them. If I loose my thighs I wouldn't miss them, but it would take some getting used to not having my thighs and the lows of not fitting into a pair of pants that I really want.

What's my high for today --Thin Thighs.

Maybe KR will finally show up if I have thin thighs. Anything is possible.

long nothing weekend...again

Fiddled with the new phone all day couldn't get the dumbass voicemail to activate. There must be something wrong with me that I choose to patronize Cingular for another 2 years against my better judgment.

I wrote this here passage from work about 3 days ago, and I never really had time during my dismay to insert it in here, so here it is. Also, saw Prime last night. Good, very good, actually better than I thought it would be. Uma not really a fan. PG 13 love stories, not really a fan of those either, would have still preferred it if the movie was rated R, a lot more skin and swearing and realism to look forward to, but I think in a subdued way they still pulled it off. It made me appreciate quiet times; quiet moments, stillness, just sitting in my own space drinking Heineken and listening to soft jazz. The quiet time. As opposed to the Simple time which is the kind of stuff I write about. It was a wasted weekend. I had Prime to set it off. Hopefully a good day tomorrow. Broke or not. Good day ahead.

I got to work and it's not that much to be done. As usual. So my eyes are dragging. In this month's issue of Details, there have been so many good articles. Sometimes they do not have them that good, that is so many good articles at a time, but this time it's been great actually. I read them in my car in the morning while I wait for the clock to turn. This is getting boring. It's just a way for me to type so that I stop feeling sleepy as a dog, and perk up. I was telling my sister over the weekend that I do not understand whose bright idea it was for us to start our working lives so early in the day, why not later in the day. Whose bright idea was it, to start early and close late or something like that. I don't know. But it is messing with my eyes and my mind. Another hour of this and I feel the blood draining to my cold legs.

As the months progress in this place, like every other place I have worked in the last two years, the tasks get to be a little more and more mundane. The attorneys get to offload more and more mundane tasks on your desk and you get to stare and wonder how much legal battle is out there to be fought and won and how in the world you are not part of it. I remember that middle daughter from the 'hit show' Related and how her work career mirrors mine. She's quit every jobs she's ever had.

they say

They say we take the same steps, make the same mistakes, learn from those steps and decide that this is what we want. I can't seem to understand or appreciate what I want anymore, maybe because what I want and what really excites me and gets my liver hot are two different things. I want to feel excited and feel as if I did not make a mistake. But no matter how far I run I always seem to come back to the same spots, to the same mistakes, to the same conversation, to the same grey area.

 
In my dating years, I fell into the same kinda guys, the ones who often always preferred another girl to me, and now my working years, the companies that never truly seemed to understand me or know what I am about. Or I never understood them.

They say we take the same steps, or go to the same places, in our dreams, in the present, in the moment. It's been the same mistakes.

today at work

Today at work I attended new hire orientation, which was basically four hours of medically overpaid RN's etc, telling us the usefulness of our drugs, and all other gobledygook I really didn't want to hear. I spent half the time day dreaming I was having sex with Keanu. He had come home, and Shelia had greeted him with a casual hey, while she cooked in the kitchen, bending her head to stir her pot. But then, he walks towards her so unassumingly, in those strong determined steps, and then, he holds her head and kisses her passionately. Takes her hand and guides her to grab his manhood, and he reaches for one of her breasts, and as he pulls up for air, he says, slowly, "Don't ever say hey to me like we are just friends." This is the part of the story where Shelia and Keanu live like lovers, and put aside all their "friendly" ways.

I thought about all this while the bosses talked about the direction of the company and why I should feel honored to work with them. I don't know why or when I got turned off from that company. It's right before the time they lost their sense of humor and when I got reprimanded for showing initiative. This spells how I got turned off. And in between I hear the seductive very slim, very together, (you know one of those nicely pulled together women that just makes you feel like some leftover personality) she said she was in the energy business. The energy business! Seriously, I can only hope to be in the energy business, my country deals in the energy business, in fact we are opne of the largest producers of oil. I can transition quite easily. She is put together even careerwise. There must be some light at the end of the tunnel. Please and let it have strong determined footsteps, and come out of the glow, saying, "Hey. I am the reason life was such a pushover, so you could have me."

Light in me. Today at work.

Rob Thomas a day later

I went to see Rob Thomas last night. His voice is amazing, sounds the same live as it does on the CD. With just as much passion for this song as the next. The only problem is he decided to sing every single song he's ever written and then some that he wished he had written, and before you know it the pace of the show had weakened, and a lot of people, including myself were tired. Most of all, it was a freaking Monday night. I know this is what you do for a living Rob but some of us have real lifes, and jobs, that we have to be at on Tuesday.

Notwithstanding, it was a good show, the music was right on the money, sounded perfect not a single note off key. He interacted with the audience, he didn't seem to have an ego about him towards anything. Poeple tend to be that way on stage and you can kinda guess it. It was wonderful, even though he chose to sing my favorite song--This is how a heart breaks--last. I think it worked better with the pace of the show to have the fastest paced song played last. But all those boring songs in between. Golly! Rob, couldn't you tell we were standing? I also like it when he cursed, something we were all little fuckers. He said fuck a couple of times, which was cool, sometimes you forget what it's like to have people curse freely at a concert. He even threw in a David Bowie song in there for good measure. Dancing and head bopping with that sexy skinny body of his.

Two weeks later

It's sad to say that there has not been anything really interesting to report. Two Weeks later, and it's more of the same problems pronounced and a few additinals have ocme to stay.

Work got to an unbearable pitch, right after my car got bashed in by a dumb cart at shoddy Target. Target, being the irresponsible retailer that they are, have completely denied liability. But I shall fight them, even if it means opening up a blog dedicated to defaming their red and white sloppy image.

Then, work. I don't even know where to begin without giving away the names and characters of the non-fictitious people in my life, that make it so unbearable. All I can say right now, this is the one place where people are frowned at for showing initiative. And I was rebuked for showing initiative, and asked 'kindly' to be the paralegal who sits there and looks pretty. Don't express much, don't do much, just answer the phone, type as accurately as you can, and don't ask or bother to help the clients. WE, the attorneys, are here to help. It is not your place to help them.

Every which way I look at it, it sucks. It sucks because I was hoping this was it. I was hoping I could just settle in here for the next couple of years, work on my Master's Degree, use the flexibility of the hours to study, get some work stability into that resume, and just chill. I still can. But I have such a strong personality in everything mostly my work, that this seems like such a cop-out. Like I went to school for 6 years (and then some more) just to sit there and look pretty. Two years from now, even with the job stability in my resume, I won't have any notable skill of use to market myself. Then, what was the point.

They say events in life get clouded up for some reason, all for the greater good. I don't believe it. I want to believe it, but I often fail to see why. I more than often fail to understand why. There is no greater good, it's just frustrations that befall you, especially when you don't need them. Pure and simple.

I think I

I think I adequately survived the week from hell. After the Target stores debacle, which I still have not forgiven them for, more on that later. I went and gave my car a good carwash today to figure out if it would mask the lok of the dent. It didn't. Instead the red paint from the cart is now more visible. What kind of customer service do stores try to uphold when they refuse to pay for property damage caused by unattended carts.

Apart from the Target incident, work got a little miffy. They plan on bringing in a contract manager to do a job I was aspiring to. What is the point? Why do I even bother with this paralegal thing, it's like at the back of my mind I will always be an attorney but at the forefront I know I can never really live out my dream, and living something so much less than your dream is like someone sticking a fork in the innermost trenches of your heart. Like, what's the point in even trying?

There are certain times when you wish the attendant problems will sail away and just let you be, so you can face new problems, at least they've cleared from your plate, but instead of leaving, they add on some more. How much more can a 31 year old overweight non-socialite woman take? Pray tell.

You can only imagine that with this lull, I cannot write, or think academically, because like I said before, what is the point?

We plan to take a little road trip over the weekend, hopefully it will be mishap free and the drive may clear my head some. Or calm the uncertainty inside me. Or it may not.

notes from my desk

It is saturation time at my desk. It's not been nonstop work, it's just been non-stop of pretty much the same stuff. And now I am officially tired. I called the store where my car got damaged repeatedly. They apparently think this is not serious. Considering that the car is less than 2 months old, it is pretty serious, devastating and troubling to me. I am just distraught. As if I didn't have enough to worry about I had to add this to the list. I don't even feel like working out and I and my large body are due at the gym this afternoon.

It was revealed

I found out today why I have been so angry. It was not just the perennial loneliness that seems to be living with me and enraging me with more bitterness with each passing moment. It is sadly something else.

Yesterday, Sunday I didn't go to church. I just decided to abstain from God's house for a little while. I wasn't angry with Him even though I am a little miffed that none of my "find me a man" prayers seem to be coming true. However, the long and short is I didn't go to church. I stayed home and cleaned out my closet. While cleaning out my closet I noticed an old picture I had failed to frame, so I decided to go to Target to get one of their cute picture frames. That didn't work out so I postponed the Target frame shopping to this afternoon.

I thought it would feel easier to write this down, but it just feels worse and I have strangely lost interest. The summary is that a lady let her shopping cart roll down the hill and it dented my car badly. So now my 6 week old car, has a big ole dent in it, just because I went to Target to get a 12.99 picture frame. Doesn't my life suck! It's never or shall I say rarely good news, it's always soemthing, filled with drama, the bad kind. The kind you wonder why me, why so what me, why wasn't I saved from it, if it could happen to anyone else, why did it have to happen to me. I could do without this bad news, so why do I have to get bad news instead of good news. It just sucks big time! I had not gotten over admiring the car, the new paint, everything and then this had to happen.

I filled out a claim form in the store but I am not hopeful, why, because it's me. that's why.

A little angry are we?

Sometimes I get so angry, so mentally infuriated that I cannot really out my finger on what it is I am angry about. Like the line says, "you know what Rage is...." I do and I feel it quite often, not the physical rage of tearing up stuff, but the psychological distaste with my overall wellbeing, being in a state of angered intensity that I cannot change, I cannot alter and I cannot quite assimulate. I feel like the world owes me a whole lot more than it is giving me, like they should have told me what I was up against in the future so I could have prepared for it. Like my whole life has achieved some kind of cryostasis. Dismal apprehension. I apologize because I don't even know what that means.

Wasted Years

I need to settle down and concentrate on the following.
Ouch, it's not even 10 o'clock yet. Hmm....

I need to figure out if I want to continue with my Masters degree. I love it. Just the reality of obtaining a prestigious Master's Degree seems so filled with promise. However, I really do not see the light at the end of my tunnel, and if you can't envision that, it makes it kinda hard to keep throwing money and time (which I don't have that much of both) down the drain. If there was promise of a job, a position, something that yields to something, take this program and we shall guarantee you this and that, and oppotunities with these companies shall open up. If there was that, I would so study hard, with the eye of the tiger. Right now I do not see that promise, or even wishful thinking in anything. It is just a fucked up reality I am living in and I don't think a Master's degree will save me. I keep thinking and focusing on the real reason why I chose to do this, to increase my IQ and validate my bachelor's degree. I can't even begin to tell you how successful it's been so far in achiving that. I don't know.

Then, other things, I am trying to build on certain hobbies. one of them is is cycling. I know it may not be easy so hopefully, it wil not end up as one of these hobbies, that start out costing me a lot of money and then, I start it just to lose interest in it like everything else in my life.

Let's see if this works

Months ago I took these pictures, last weekend in January I think. The idea was to post them online and show you what the image from my window was that morning as I read and it snowed. It seems rather posting them in summer, but I could never get my domain to upload correctly, so let's see if it works this time.

It's the 41st time

I try to imagine one of those beautiful pictures, where the scenery is so perfectly captured, the cars seem like they are moving in slow motion and the people stop just long enough for you to capture their smile. I try to imagine that and I laugh, softly just barely bending the corners of my mouth. Something about that reminds me of him. It's that breathtaking thing. It's like every time I see my car on the road, not so pretty but not so the same, it's so defectively different that yet again I am captivated just like the painting, and I wonder, is it just me, or is the enchanting trance visited upon everyone. It's not just me, but it's the facets of me that are arrested, just like the facets of you, become me, in one swift second, every year, every time, my mind stops and I think, what will it be like, if at all, and how would we make up for all the years, until the 41st time.

There is no reason, you are out there, meshed with the fabric of my being, in the soft whisper of my quivering heart, you are there. It was the 41st time.

To the 41st year, I say...Happy Birthday!

Atlanta Loft Living

Over the weekend, I went to IKEA. Right by it is this renovated area; very beautiful, bourgeoise neighborhood, that according to what I just read in a law journal was a waste dump, site of the former Atlantic Station. It was wonderful upscale living. They have these lofts being built there, and a stream of townhouses, brick style townhomes. I knew right away that I wanted to live there. It had an expansive sidewalk. Lush greenery. Streetlights. Close to a shopping complex. It was pretty. It made me want to live in Atlanta. And if you know me, it is rare, that I want to or find a reason to want to make living here work.

Needless to say, the lofts are pretty, offer wonderful amenities, healthclub, secured covered parking, hardwood flooring inside the lofts. Magnificent!
Only one glitch. They cost 300,000. They are not for rent, they are for SALE. And start at 300,000. So they may end up at 500,000 at this point. It's a pipe dream I know. But I just daydreamed for a millisecond as I drove past that place and studied the floorplans. I daydreamed and it lasted till today.

Vision: Sell Myself

My Employment Law Exam.

I had envisioned that this exam would be so hard and so complex and I would be faced with a situation where questions would come and I would be unable to answer them. There was a question about a case, quite an interesting case at that. And I just couldn't keep it together, just to mention, 'it was not based on his sexual orientation.' I couldn't. I just talked about stuff that was not really that important. Dang girl!

In other news, since I have finished the exam, I am free for at least a month to do all the silly stuff I used to do before I embarked on this legal journey. Pictures from my Maroon 5 concert, which weren't really that good, but they still deserve to go up in my journal. My BSB pictures are forthcoming, and then, I bought tickets to go see Rob Thomas at this general admission venue, that I know is going to be whack, because I may not get there on time and I'll end up standing at the back and I am not the tallest girl in the world, and the story goes on. I told myself before I got the tickets that I really wanted to see what it would feel like to go to a concert downtown, in the middle of the week (it's on a Monday night) and to be responsible for taking myself there and bringing myself back. Rob's music is okay, I don't even have the new CD at all. So let's see how all this gets put together for one cold fall evening. In the meantime if I can grab a play or two downtown I would as well. I am in the business of trying to sell myself. Sell myself!

Peace love, and lots more to share.

Ere...My Last Duchess

My Company law Exam on Monday.

First of all, I do not know how to do lawyer speak very well. It just seems like so long since I have been put in an exam set up that I sort of forgot how to phrase my sentences intellectually, speak intelligently without sounding as if I am catering to the Valley crowd. So the sentences were all run on sentences, my tenses were bad, and I used the wrong word in instances that I would not have used them. I took too long on one question, did not have enough time to mention things coherently. I am currently in the process of looking for a writing class, not creative writing just intellectual writing. If I intend to do this legal advisory international law graduate thing, I want to do it right, no half ass, or else it's a waste of time and I might as well just be a novelist.

So that is where I am at.

Oh and I got the car/jeep on Friday.

I traded in My Last Duchess....oh so sad, and she sat so proudly at the parking lot, brave to the bitter end. But yeah, we are separated now. I now have a jeep very few people drive, the few and the stupid I assume.

Words by Whitney Otto

Don't ask me why these words are somehow appropriate but too outspoken to put up in my cube. But I've been told that they are...but they still resonate to me all the same. 

Sometimes, privately and quietly, she regretted the way in which she had abandoned what she called the thinking part of her. Then, she gave up on regret, let those ideas go dormant and released the past.

It was as if Elodie, who did the work of the absent employee was looked upon as a cardboard cutout of an employee with a brain to match.

She couldn’t be fired but she couldn’t get ahead either. The companies and faces changed but the tasks remained the same, her work life had achieved stasis.

She thought about what it actually meant to live in the moment behave as if tomorrow will not come, If there is no tomorrow, then one couldn’t act without regard to consequences, but since there is a tomorrow, how can one live in the moment? Who wants to live with the consequences of poor judgment?

a little of this and that

I could hardly keep my eyes open after a very wonderful but exhausting BSB concert last night. I screamed so loud my voice was croaky and parched this morning. Hopefully, I can put some of my pictures up I haven't done that in a long time been getting so boring around here. I can't wait for the burden of this exam and its' attendant dilemma to leave me alone. It would be nice if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but with this country and the state of the economy and the latent stupidity of the recruiting market, it doesn't seem likely.

But here's an update on my concert and everything else still to come:

BSB Concert

My concert last night was GREAT!!!

Super fun, lots of energy, very mature set up, remixes of all the old classics, and a different feel to the guys than before. No pyro unless it was absolutely necessary, no funky shoulder pad outfits, it felt like a farewell tour with the screen playing recaps of the last 12 years of their career, and their cameraderie was just superb. I loved it. I loved it more because I was not expecting to like it. I don't particularly dig all the new songs, but hearing them live, with them expressing how much they love the songs, made me like them. The dancing didn't feel forced, it felt like something they had to do to keep you watching, and it was more visual this time because you got to see it without all the pyro blocking your way. It was just superb. Those guys know how to throw it down, I hope they stick around for much longer. Seeing them together is always a thrill. Sometimes you think. one of them is okay, but nope, they should all be together, one without the other is just not having it.

The bad: the stage was set up so funky that this big ole light switch was blocking the monitor right where I was sitting. I felt so sorry for the people sitting a little more to the right, I was at an angle and yet it was blocking my way. Then, the organizers, Star 94 FM, the hugest dickheads you've ever seen. They didn't allow cameras. Who doesn't allow cameras and searches bags in this day and age? That is so 90's. People do have camera cellphones.

Then, they made us wait for about two hours before the guys showed up and in buying the tickets they never mentioned the opening acts (some inconsequential artists I really shouldn't have been available for and the lights shouldn't have been turned down for them). They said 7:00 and made us think it would start just around that time, not 8:50. The acoustics were bad, very bad, the synthesizer was set way too sharp, it kept cutting into my ears. The sound quality could have been better and they could have put up two side by side monitors like they did at Maroon 5's concert and the organizers could have stopped thinking it was all about merchandising (they sold everything down to Noodles at the venue) and about the music and organized a much friendlier atmosphere. Apart from that it was great. Every time Nick took the mic we screamed. Just like the old days.

Fort Lauderdale...Part Uno

Coming back from my vacation and a few developments. Yet again another US city where you cannot get around without a car. They had this wonderful sidewalks and the street lights are geared towards encouraging pedestrians but then, the heat was stroke giving, and most of all, the stuff you really want to walk to is miles apart from each other. I did a ton of walking especially in the malls and in the morning I walked to the cafe to have breakfast on the sidewalk, (heavenly if it was not so hot, and I didnt have to wipe off beads of sweat intermittently) and in the evening I walked to and from the bar, avoiding the throes of people half naked and headed to the beach.

I stayed behind an extra day after my family left to spend some time with the city and get my monies worth from that exorbitant plane ticket.

However, I went cheap with the hotel (so that I could spend the money on something else, maybe good dinner) so I stayed at this dump shit motel that just was appalling any which way you look at it. The bed was creaky, the sheet had pubes still attached to it, there was no window and the bathroom was certainly so small that only a kid could fit in. It reminded me of living poor, of having that as your home and having to live like that.
Sometimes we forget how privileged we truly are to afford the kind of living quarters that we get, that just sort of made me miss my flat, my bed and just my general life.
There is so much of a class difference--super rich and dirt poor. The dirt poor live in motels just like the one I stayed in, and then right next to it, like a stone throw away are these high rises overlooking the beach that are 2-3 million dollars. I mean it's great to admire that kind of living maybe for eye candy purposes, just walking to the mall, the streets are lined with vintage cars, amazingly pricey vehicles even I don't know all their names, and then you see dirt poor people waiting for the bus. What is that? It just sort of brings life into some kind of perspective. What would be your motivation if you find yourself on the other side of the class divide, how would you scrunge to get out of it, and hopefully make it.
We took a boat tour in Miami of the stars' homes--P. Diddy, Enrique Iglesias and his dad, Liz Taylor, Jackie Chan, J.Lo, Ricky Martin, Marc Anthony and Will Smith among a few were some of the homes that made an impact. But you start to wonder what kind of culture do we have or are we lacking that we have to tour superstars' homes as opposed to the museum, or some other notable artifact. Then, again that class divide I mentioned is drawn out and essentially demarcated.

On my way there, at the airport actually there were a few soldiers, army personnel I should say, very young, fresh faced and eager waiting for their flight to Pensacola, FL I should assume. They all looked so young, healthy and enthusiastic, quite unlike the image you have of them from the media as being led off to Iraq to die--which I couldn't help thinking to myself. I couldn't help thinking, the next time we see this cheery man that is happily chowing down on his burger, maybe in a body bag. Maybe. Hopefully not, but maybe. I just couldn't let that vision burn me. But they all seemed so happy, fulfilled, as if they were going to do something they were naturally inclined or destined to do, not being led to the slaughter at all.
Just wondered how people like that build up their psyche.

i can't remember

I can't remember some things, so soon after they happened. I can't remember my ride back from work today, was it good, bad, did it rain hard, was the traffic light, were there jerks on the road? I don't remember. I don't remember what kind of day I had unless it was a really hard day, today was since I just got back from my vacation but if you inquire as to what the content of the work was in regard to, I couldn't tell you without mumbling.

I don't remember what the sermons in church were about? As soon as I walk out of there I am totally and completely erased of any memory of what the priest said, what bible passages were read or how I felt when they read them.

I just got back from 3 days in Fort Lauderdale, and I really couldn't tell you what the city is about, I remember that it had no culture apart from sun, sand and water and nothing else. Everything, every store, every joint was named to pay homage to the beach. I can't tell you what inspired the pictures I took or if I was inspired at all. I just don't remember it that well. I remember taking one last look at the ocean before I left abruptly for the airport yesterday morning, in between the sweltering heat and not much else. I just do not remember or rather I choose not to remember so many things. I wonder what my brain is filled with. What fills the void of my nothingness?

However, on to other things. the exams are in about five weeks, I can't say I have been studying so hard. I tried a little over this weekend, but I spent more time not reading than I did reading, and I don't know what is wrong with my brain, I could read a whole lot of topics, spend hours in front of the books reading, and memorizing, and then hours later, or before I go to bed I ponder so what topics did I cover today and I can't seem to get it together. At all.

Six Feet Under last night was really good. It hit the spot. The writing was so intense and delicately done.

Sometimes that show can go off, way off, they spend time on some scenes makes you wonder, why bother with that on a one hour show, we need to see something that matters, makes sense and adds sense to the whole plot. But last night, it all connected. They probably fired the writers from the last couple of shows and brought better writers. I don't know what it is with HBO but they get it right with their shows. It's not overtly envelope-pushing, but it's dynamic work. All their shows, right down to the Lisa Kudrow one that I don't even like and then, of course, there's Entourage, that I hated at first but have grown to admire how exceptional the quick wit is on that show.

It's not TV alright, It's HBO. And one day my show is gonna be on it.

PS I am writing this at work on a notepad, sober and uninspired so excuse how lame it sounds.

shoppers' remorse

Yesterday, I had the sudden urge to return everything I had bought in the last couple of weeks that was unworn, unused with the receipt still intact.
I gathered them, reviewed them and weighed what the actual cost was to me and the fact that in the last two weeks since I bought it I haven't felt the need to use it so I possibly won't miss not having it.

In the end I gave myself back $83. It felt good, you have no idea. I wish I had more items, especially that sun dress that cost $36...hmmmm. still debating on that one, I did review that one along with the rest and I thought, you know, maybe on that hot date, or maybe not cos the odds of a hot date are so far between. I am still contemplating if it will survive another week, $36 back to my account less interest will sure feel good.

That was my July 4th weekend, how was yours?

hardly no time for you

A great number of working women shop after work at the mall. You can tell they are workking women by the way they are dressed, etc. and they seem so bent on finding that perfect outfit, suit, dress, or whatnot to wear to work the next day to make them feel good about what they do. I don't know why they seem to shop more in the evening it just essentially seems so. Because I shop in the evening to avoid traffic and they shop everytime I do, I don't know if the reason is really to avoid traffic, or feel good about having to work that humdrum nie to five, or just brighten the general malaise of our lives. I don't know why, but they do. I just thought I'd mention that.


I am sorry it's been so long, but life has been a tad wholesome. I don't know if that is the right word but that's the word I shall use for now. For one, my boss quit and then, the next in line took over, and it just sorta made everything seem so filled with activity, me studying (or mainly not studying for my exams) learning about the job, not learning stuff I really should be learning, finding ways to keep myself entertained, and not. It's made my life seem so full that there's hardly no time for you. This is sad but true.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to me!

I will love to say I had some nice bloke to share it with but that is just not my style. But I will some day, some day.

Here's to love, life, laughter and doses of patience as I try to wait this life out!

Imaginative Birthday

As the day slowly winds down, and I am about to call it a night, I can't help thinking, this was a quiet birthday for me. I didn't cry, not nearly and I got calls from all over the globe. It started from Friday and I got so excited about it, revved up about what lay at the end of the weekend. And all in all, I thank God for such a marvelous day. So maybe, I didn't get Keanu, maybe I didn't get that something that my delusions of grandeur may have concocted, but I got love from my family, and I have a job! You really do not know how good it feels to say that, and it's a good job too. I cannot complain, I am almost afraid to spell out how good it is, but for fear that something will come take it away from me. I may have overindulged this weekend, hopefully I can feed on bread and water and work it off. But it feels good. And I thank God a lot.

Dear Lord, it's been good to have my birthday today, and to have the peace and love of God all through this past year, So maybe my shio will come in when I am 31 or maybe not, most of all I am just glad that I am alive, and one day I know love will find me. Amen.

Some Things Have to Give

I am so knackered now and I still feel like having another glass of wine after having three at dinner just three hours ago. 

It's been a restful ho-hum weekend. 

Went to see the Adam Sandler movie; first time ever going to see an Adam Sandler movie in the theaters, yes, I am so not a fan of his dorky looks. But this was fun, good, it cheered my mum up some every time the drag queens came out. Hilarious. All the time throughout the movie I kept thinking of a few things: Keanu, what happened to my movie making dream, and then of course, my forthcoming exams. Thoughts of turning 31 in a week (Ouch!) didn't quite go down well, now you know why I need another glass of wine. Gotta go, I need it, really.

Hopefully I won't be too drunk waking up tomorrow. 

Dear God let this be a safe productive Me week. I beg of you. I know I may not be in your good books right now, but I want love lots of it, the obsessive kind, the I can't do without you, if you ever broke me heart kind, for once I would like to pray that I find love and get it by the time the next birthday rolls around. Is that okay? Gosh, you'll have me turning 50 soon and I'll still be praying for love. 

But for now, let me just get through this week, 

In Jesus name, Amen.

so I said

So I said to myself, I shall read tonight, but somehow I often manage to have these empty days where I do not read. It is much harder than I thought. Today I left work with an urge to shop, just shop, I have had that urge since last week. I have completely re-arranged my wardrobe from winter to summer but it still feels empty but yet all my clothes occupy two closets and two large dressers, yet I still feel the need to shop in the middle of the day instead of reading. I need to be flogged or the exam needs to flog me.

So I keep thinking about certain random things:

What exactly was the Enron scandal all about?

Keanu has a new girlfriend, that is much younger and skinnier than I imagined his next conquest would be? Something about this one troubles me, like this might be the one...I know I am exaggerating, I should be bold and cut my losses.

What is up with Tom Cruise? Seriously?

What makes us keep secrets and at which point do we give it in?

Why are Angelina and Brad just pretending, when will the truth come out about how they really feel? What if they've never had sex, what if no one really cared?

What would it be like if I ever got to interview him? What would I say, would I let him know about my stories, the obsession log book, do I want anyone to know about them? How would the interview go? Would my heart stop beating in between?

I just keep having these random thoughts, while I drive, while I sit in my car, while I study, while I am me, Anita in the real world, I keep thinking about Anita in the imaginative world and what life would have been like?

to take you more seriously

I made out some time today for me to actually do some work online. I haven't done that in such a long time. I don't know why, I have just been wrapped up in me, in reading, studying for my exam, and watching TV, as I try to decompress, that I haven't really done much else.

How are you? I ask. I am trying to sieve through my poetry for the best kind to put up in my cubicle. every one I seem to stumble upon seems so personal, so filled with subliminal subtext, you know when you work with people you don't want them to experience that other side of you, the one that's filled with the subliminal undercurrent subtext. You just want to be Anita, that does a good job (I wish) and stays that way. Not, someone who has a deep longing for the imaginary lust of KR, and all other stupid things that fill my head when I am by myself. So that is it.

I would like to say that I have more to say but I really don't. I think I am wearing Jay out. I knew we wouldn't be up to the whole long distance thing, I have sometime in the past, but then, this is Jay we are talking about, he has a long line of 3 week relationships. And this is me, I am sure there is something about my situation that would want to make someone run, a single lady of prime age, seeking husband material, for all those who are not husband material they would just want to run from me, not run to me. I am not surprised or disappointed, I am disappointed in other things, which don't really have anything to do with Jay, but I am not surprised at all. Thank goodness, I didnt sleep with him! *gaggles*

Okay, in other news, work is okay. I don't want to talk about that too much. But I decided this is where I want to lay my hat so much so that I am actually picking up stuff to decorate my cube with. this is unlike me. I had a whole office, and I didn't put a stitch of personal stuff on the wall, cos I just didn't like the bleeding place, But this one, yes, at least until any employment law position opens up. I lie, this is the one.


I pray for a productive and prosperous week. I pray that my mother has a wonderful birthday. God please bless her and keep her in good health. I pray that Lord protects me from myself and every other sin that is before me this week. These and many more I ask of you, Dear Lord. Amen.

another week awaits

I didn't have huge expectations for last week and somehow it just blew me away. There were quite a few downers and mmoments when I slipped up, and most of all I didn't read. But the best thing of all, is that I got good news, not once but twice and it felt so good. Thank you God! I didn't scream from the rooftop like I promised I would but I am getting there. It just felt so good to have love, friendship, hear myself laugh, and to be brave for the road ahead.

I just mainly want to say thank you...for my life. For all the blessings I have and I am not aware of. For the goodness in my life, for me achieving so much in such a short time, with the five bread and two fish you gave me. I just wanted to say thank you for all of that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart dear Lord, thank you Jesus Christ. Amen.

what do you know?

A guy friend of mine came by to spend a couple of days with me. He drove from Memphis to Atlanta to see me, and we are not dating, in fact I had only met him once and that was that, he just had a few days off work and decided to come spend time with me. Hmm...this sounded better in my head before I decided to write it down.

Let's start again.

I met this guy, about a year ago. We had worked together. He had a few days off before his new job (and so did I) so he decided to come see me. We didn't discuss where he would stay, and since my apartment is pretty big, I offered that he would stay with me. He spent two nights here, we went out everywhere. To the movies--we saw Crash, wow that was intense--to a winefest in Helen, earlier today, and to dinner a couple of times. It was great, wild and great. But no sex. Almost sex, at the tail end, but nope, no sex.

Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I just feel that if you have a good friendship with someone, something that's real good, sex just comes in to ruin it. For one he gets to see you naked, and the other, both of you are in this vulnerable position. No one wants to be in that position unless they have to be. And I just told him, "hey I don't want to lose you as a friend. I don't want either of us to wake up tomorrow and ask ourselves why did we do it, and what was it for. I know you and we have fun together, so it's not worth it."

Telling this to someone who drove millions of miles to come see you is not exactly fun or easy. It just feels like you are crushing him, and I felt bad that I was crushing him. But that is that. I just had to. I have my principles and for once they overpowered my passion and lust.

I've just been believing in my own Shelia and Keanu bullshit for too long.

I'll be fine.

The good news is, I have a friend and I got my first houseguest, so things are looking up.