hey

It's xmas, or whatever's left of it, so why am I online instead of doing something else, there is nothing else, I must have checked the tv like a million times and there's nothing there that interests me whatsoever.

I don't know Xmas has lost all its adorning fever to me. This whole "tell the kids the gifts are from Santa" crap must be the most stupid ungrateful misconceived act ever. Tell the kids who it's from so they know who to thank and how to behaave all year until the next Xmas, it's that simple. Throughout today my nieces do not have any idea who gave them what or which and it irks me at what morals this idea of Santa may be breeding in them, but then again, this is no time to preach...it's Xmas.

I spoke to my best friend tonight, and she sounded like she was haviing fun, good for her, cos I know she deserves it she hasn't been over the weather a lot lately. She has the same woes I have, "when will our life start?"

There was this phrase we learnt in school and I absolutely forgot what it meant and it's been cracking my brain for awhile, she reminded me what it was while she was advising me to stay sane, and take a grip of myself, she said : "you're a good person, and good things will come, okay because res ipsa loquiter."

I asked what does that mean again: she replied, "the facts speak for themselves" (and no external evidence is needed, blah, blah, blah)

That was sweet, and definitely the high point of my day. (well that and the re-run of the concert for NY city which starred BSB doing the acapella I so love) because I remembered what I am, where Ive been and what I am made of, and so nothing can take that away, no matter how far removed from it I may seem to be right now. It was a definite ME moment.

I miss my friends. I do. I wonder what sola is up to this xmas, certinly not missing me, but either way I still wonder...more or less him, I wonder what evil deed he's been up to, is he sitting with a glass of irish creme like I am pondering all the stupid stuff that took place this year like I am now, or filling out a stupid entry in a journal.

I do not know.

I am gonna read my fave story of all time written by yours truly which if you read my 5 best stories review you would know what story it is.

Of Old Loves and Crushes

Sometimes, I think how different my November would have been if I had been given any of the offers like Keanu was given in that movie, Sweet November, you know. Maybe, possibly by him, something just something that would inculcate these ingredients to my magic recipe: You, Me, Exciting Life, Run Away from the present, Steal Away. I would swiftly reply: "Yeah, thats the potion that is calling my name."

Today as I was waiting outside, I thought I saw a guy that had eyes like Sola, and then Sola's face came to mine, those eyes, so much like Keanu's, only on a black man's. I just remembered how tall he is, and how he would call my name and I would giggle foolishly, and then he would stare into me with those smoldering eyes and the world would seem like it was stopping right there and then cause my breath would hang in a tight spot. It was such an out of body experience, I yearned for it like a drug!

I thought today that I do need that high now, maybe just for Xmas, he would come, with that recipe: You, Me, escape, Boredom, Steal Away, and I would go blindly, he might just get to the you me part and I would still go with him. I need that high for awhile. Then, I thought maybe we could hide out for one whole week, the week until Xmas, maybe till the 28th, and do naughty things to each other all damn day, hardly step out of the room, drink our Xmas egg nog indoors wrapped up in the same sheets with our body heat for warmth. Wow! What a blessed Xmas that would be! Then, I would float on that high as I resume my mundane life, I would float on the high of the taste that once burnished my lips. I would wear that smile until the New Year.

It all reads so long now, when I thought about it, it only took but one minute for all the images to build, and the faint smile of what might have been and what I wish formed on my face.

To have once loved can't be all that bad, can it? The hard part is getting it back.

I received a very heartwarming letter from this girl I met on LJ who wants to know me better. It was an introductory letter, you know the kind of letter you write to someone you want to make friends with, so you are mainly introducing yourself, things you enjoy, where you hang out, just basic stuff about yourself before you delve into the private points.

It touched me in that, I can never go out on a limb to intitate friendship with someone online. I often think, what if they say NO, or they ignore my mail, then what happens, what if they are somewhere talking about me, saying how much of a nerd/jerk I am, how would I feel? As you can see I don't take rejection well. But it's all good, I replied her, and intimated her on the facets of my being, none quite so consequential, just the facts that have kept me going all these so many years of my life. It's nice to make a new friend, especially online where everyone hides under a facade of: I am 22, beautiful, with a body like Pamela Anderson.

5 best moments, 5 worst moments, 5 memorable moments, 5 best pictures of each person I love or have ahem...encountered in my sleep, and 5 excerpts from the 5 different stories that meant the most to me written by me this year.

I intend to put these up soon, maybe before the end of the month as a recap of the year 2001.

But if you are looking for a little insight into my past month though I have been such a bad girl and quit updating ever so often, please look at: November, sweet, it was not! It's a recap of the month November...

This is a note AK supposedly wrote to his dad. Something about a rough uncut man watching a kids flick just seems so alluring to me. It's like a man with indepth sensitivity. I am shocked beyond words.

Harry Potter was great. Can't wait for the next one.

The weather has been down right spectacular lately. I've been able to see Long Beach with the sea beyond to the southwest and snow capped mountains to the northeast. I can see Catalina Island in the sunset like it was on Santa Monica blvd. it's a nice time of year. Love, aK

I am just in a really girly mood right now, either that or I am so bored with the state of events in my life.

There's this guy in my place of work that is so Hmmm husky fine. He is big, like really big, I noticed him because of the other girl I work with, she was exclaiming so much about his buff body, how his size is so big for a Caucasian (note that it wasn't to me...I am sure I have seen bigger) but she went on and on about it, how he's not fat but his body is so big and bold.

So while we (or rather her) was gushing (note this girl has 3 children from 3 diff. men one of which is bi-racial) the boy came by and stood behind her, she kept giggling and gushing, I don't know, we must have looked like 2 teenagers or something, I had to restrain her by telling her the guy must be about 18 or 19, or something at the most he must be about 21 but I doubt it. But to cut a very long story short, that was how I noticed David. (that's his name...oh my gosh can he be reading this, I hope not!)

Since then, it's been off and on, he has never spoken to me and I have never spoken to him, I keep having the urge to ask him these questions:
(in this order)
1) how old are you...(if his answer is anything less than 21 then my next question shall be)
2) Do you have any single brothers where you are you can hook me up with?

BUT...if his answer for no. 1 is: 21 or older...

Then what do I do? What do I say...Hi, I think you're cute, or I think you're a hunk of a guy, can we hook up? or what? What?

Yesterday I saw him hug this girl that called by to see him ever so tightly. The way he squeezed her tiny frame into his large one had my head spinning, and thinking all sorts of thoughts I shouldn't have been thinking at work ( I know I'm sick and I know it). The only good thing was that she came with another guy which I hoped was her boyfriend and that David (Good God) that David is single but I doubt it, I wouldn't have such luck.

Sometimes, he avoids talking to me, everyone else talks to me, says something to me, but he could ask the very person beside me something but he wouldn't ask me, what do you think, do I intimidate him or does he just not like me or something?

As you can see I am in the mood to type I have quite a few more posts coming up, but better get your comments ready everyone.

I finally picked out the word that perfectly describes my feelings towards him, just like I found the right word to describe my conversations with my ex which were condescending. With him, they are more geared towards---obnoxious. Everything about the way he jokes with me, the way I try to joke with him, the misread statements, our unpleasant contacts in the mornings, the way he regards my stay in their home, everything about it is simply obnoxious.

Obviously some nerve was pricked at some point in our relationship I don't know when and where but once it happened my feelings towards him got scratched and I haven't been able to heal them since. This is unlike me because I try not to bear grudges or hold out any feelings of vengeance or devious deployment of any of them But this one beats all manners of human interrelations, and I wish to some higher power that I can adjust or repair or avoid a total outclash of any of these unearthed relationships.

As an example, we were eating dinner the other night outside at Helen when my teeth got caught in the meat, already uncomfortable with the bland taste of th ribs, a bee jumped into some of my masticated food, twirled in it and decided to make it his playground, He instinctively made a snide remark about my excessive use of perfume being the cause of my persistent pressure from insects. I asked, if this was a joke to get me in the mood, and he replied at once that it wasn't, with a dead serious inflection in his tone. I took it the right way and immediately the mood got worse.

Little facets of our interaction like that only compound it by compiling into something I chose to call obnoxious. Have it either way but the perfect word describes it adequately and succintly.