coffee, london, and plane trips

Coffee, the aroma fills the room as I cuddle up on my soft green chair watching the raindrops line the window as I listen to old tunes from Keanu's band--Dogstar. I wonder when it will give some room, enough for me to walk to the shops on Edgeware Road, greet the neighbors who are wondering where I've been hiding siince I completed my masters degree, and then buy some sweets at the local grocers while I browse through the gossip columns of Hello and Empire.

The plane trip is long, it takes forever for some people, but it's worth it. The red buses make me feel at home, I used to imagine a happier time, the offices on Forest Park, trying to get that job, meeting up with the friends as we talk about other co-workers, work, and just where the evening will take us.

I come home, and I am refreshed from the walk, the jog to catch the bus and the night which I shall meet again in less than an hour, meeting up with my old friends from Wembley for a female bonding, male ogling night.

This is how I saw it. I see more. This is how I hope it will be sometime. Except there is also this one person, or people I hope could be included in this fantasy of mine. They have a fair share of amusements and that is what my life should readily be about. Amusements and achievements.

Isn't it?

praying for the week ahead

I am praying that God gives me patience and forbearance to deal with the attorney whom I support. She is a Christian and a fellow african but for some reason she is under the impression that I was hired to be at her beck and call. She has no one else to run her redundant errands just me. And I always bite my teeth that I am able to deal with her in her foolishness or will I say power trip.

Asides from all my drama, I have been preoccupied with nothing major, just using the life out of my cable service--at $60 a month you better watch TV, and thinking about a way to further my career, so I wouldn't play subservient to anyone for too long.

I should dream on, right. Perhaps, watching reruns of Working Girl may help boost my self-esteem too.

Days after

Ehhmmmm....so what was wrong with me on Sunday?

I freak myself out sometimes.

Since then, to ease of the pace of things, I wrote, cleaned house, cooked and then, tried to limit the eating by finishing up the leftover of my comfort food and alcohol.

And then, the Russel Crowe announcement came. He is having a baby! That was close to the Keanu announcement but I give that "big" announcement until next month.

It's coming. I know it.

Sunday, leading to a manic Monday

I had a strange dream last night that gave me an eerie feeling about myself that has lasted all through today.

I dreamt that Keanu--the one and only object of my obsessions, musings and writings--was getting married to a rich yuppie woman (who was not in the business) whom he hardly knew. What's stranger is that he had met me and was surprisingly drawn to me, but the day before he proposed to her he kisses me and then, I watch Entertainment Tonight the next day and in the news they delve into this whole charade of how he is getting married to this beautiful starlet and how much in love the couple are. To make it worse, they decide to dedicate a whole week on some sort of wedding watch, talking about him, her, his past loves, his careers, and the plans for the big day.

I was so livid it was unbelievable. I did talk to him (in the dream) about it and ask him why he was seemingly interested in me one moment and then, getting into this rich woman he hardly knew. He said nothing, and then, I asked why do the rich always marry the rich. He replied explaining that he wasn't just a rich guy he was somebody who was luck to have money. Like there was a difference.

To cut a long story short, I woke up sweating and worried, so bothered by my premonition. I dont know why I was upset that he was getting married. I shouldnt be obsessed, I shouldn't. I want him to be as happy as my best friend because he deserves it. That sad face is looking for something and if he finds it why should I begrudge him a smile.

I know how much I like him may sometimes overshadow rhyme and reason, and just plain reality but it would be sad of me to think like a child, a teenager, a lunatic. I know that our paths will never cross. I have accepted, I accept it everyday I look at myself in the mirror and everytime I go to my job and everytime I read a headline he is in. That is the reality of one's existence with a substance that is so far removed from it they are almost opposites. I also know he is never going to meet me or give a shit about me or my stories or obsessions. I know all these and then, I worry that perhaps I may rust unburnished if I never get to visit that other side of my obsessions that is inhabited mainly by him. I don't want to believe that there is an adventure that I haven't undertaken in my life, that I haven't crossed over or been privileged to experience, and to never know or to have never experienced it is one of the worst feelings to grow old with.

I just walked around today with this uncomfortable feeling inside the pith of my stomach that made me feel like a child and an unfaithful lover. Unfaithful in the sense that I feel like my "obsessions" with him are depriving me from opening my eyes or letting him to want to open his, or pursue whatever will make him happy. It feels all immature and kndergartennish, that I am shocked that I am writing this down. I dont want to seem like the obsessed fan who has this website that is sometimes about her but her mind is always preoccupied with her childish crush on an unreachable nonchalant actor. I don't want him or his people to ever stumble on this and think, what a sad girl, she never discovered her true potential she just wasted away on whining for this poor man. I just want to believe, and in that belief know, that I am better than that, bigger than what my obsessions are leading me to and to want to be the happiest person alongside everyone else for him if that were ever to be the case, which I am sure within time will be. Does that make sense?

Eventually, I didnt go to church for no good reason, I just lost track of time as I went over to my sister's to get my hair done and I basically just felt weird ALL DAY. I still do. I know within a week or perhaps maybe tomorrow's news will have this as the headline, I have an uncanny way of predicting things in my sleep especially when they don't go in my favor. Maybe that's what's so scary about it--that I am seeing something take place that has no bearing on me whatsoever but will forever make me feel empty and untapped.

I leave this now with a prayer which is even more important today because I didn't go to church, so I didn't get to share my day (and my dream) with Christ and I feel so left out of everything. I think this is mainly my heart playing out certain worries that are plaguing it, the whole "I feel left out" thing, like I don't belong or like the bandwagon of life started and I missed it. The receptionist at work makes as much as I do, my dreams of becoming a writer are nowhere near accomplished, I am twice the size I was last year and four times the size I was when I moved here. And I walk around everyday, every moment alone. No one looks twice at me, even though I sometimes look twice at them. It's me, and I know this whole Keanu getting married dream is just my psyche's way of telling me, so sad but you should know you are the last woman on earth when we all get to go to heaven.

Dear Lord, I don't want to feel like that, I don't want to be deprived of my dream, my aspiration or my needs, I know my wants may be a little eccentric, but moreso Lord I pray you keep me in your heart whenever there comes a blessing. I pray you find me company on this earth and that I feel accompanied in times when I am alone, and inspired in times when I am tapped out, and hopeful in times when I dare to dream and wish for the impossible. I know that time will come, and it will be something more special than what I am wanting right now. I just pray I live long enough to see it. And for him, I pray he finds happiness too, and that God restores his smile, and gives him a reason for everything that has happened to him thus far.

These and many more blessings I ask of you O Lord this week.

--Amen!

I am very thankful to God for several things that took place this week.

One of them is that it went by quickly and painlessly. The middle of the week got a little tense but it smoothed out right after that. The car finally took their down payment from my bank account, and hopefully the car is mine, binding me to slavery for the next 5 years. Most of all, I had some quality me time, working on my stories, on my self and just being.

I am thankful for all that.

Besides I got to catch an old Keanu picture on HBO--Permanent Record---that was so fun and fresh faced, that it made me think. I know no one whats to hear that but it made me think and fall ever so innocently for him in a masculine hungry way.

I am thankful for that too. It's always refreshing to be reminded of why you like someone. Always.

I had a cool dream, that there was this guy who was tall, slim and somewhat good-looking--he had this rugged sexiness about him that accompanied my sister and I as we did some shopping. The guy was supposed to a friend of hers.

Anyways, the good part of the dream taking away all the unneccessary bits is that, we had been driving around and shopping for a long time. So when he noticed how tired I was, he asked that he hold me and that I rest my sleepy head on his shoulders so he could cuddle me as I relaxed. I obliged. I placed my head on his back, and wrapped my arms around his chest. I don't know what it was about it but it felt soo good that I felt it out of my sleep. You know, you ever have those kinda feelings, where you're holding someone of doing something with someone in your sleep and it penetrates to real life.

Anyway, the dream had to be disrupted by reality as I woke up and found myself almost late for work.

I think it all emanated from the Keanu movie yesterday and then, my working on some of my Keanu stories late last night and then, my general melancholy at my loveless state. I woke up thinking "I hope this means I shall be meeting someone in real life?" I am long overdue for that, and we all know that.

The Power Trip

What ever happened to power lunches?

Whatever happened to meetings in another city, power suits and the essential leather briefcase?

Whatever happened to meeting up with co-workers, especially the crowd that includes the cute one on another floor, to have drinks after work, talk a little about work, other despised co-workers and just generally flirting with everyone, loving life, your job and the huge paycheck that awaits you at the end of every week.

Whatever happened to working late on a brief, and we all sit around and brainstorm on the facts and factors surrounding a big litigation case?

Someone needs to explain to me where all these went?

I wrote this down in my other inconsequential journal yesterday and I didn't get one single response on it. I guess they thought I was kidding when I asked whatever happened to my hopes and dreams of having a high-powered life as a young executive which is basically what all the rant above was about.

I've been gone for awhile. I shall highlight the reasons.

1) I have a bug bite on my right arm. Not the best place because my left arm is the one playing nurturing woman. It's okay now, yesterday it looked like a spider bite that would cost me my arm. It's just costing me money to treat, and it hurts like hell.

2) I have been suffering from exhaustion because, believe it or not, I have been working extra hard. So after the long ride home, I come back knackered and just ready to delve into some much needed TV watching.

3) I am just not that into myself. I wish I knew why.

I was watching this movie this morning: Permanent record that had a very young naive, gentle looking Keanu in it. Wow! Made my morning, haven't seen that mug in a long time.
Missed it.

I already said that sometime ago.

I overworked myself today.

This week the other paralegal at work is on vacation, and since everyone has become so reliant on her, they feel like parasites who have lost their breeding ground.

In fact, this is gonna sound like a whine, but my laptop and AOL do not mix, I swear. Both of them knowing how thoroughly tired I was tonight, left me to go half way with a juicy update (juicy because when you're half-drunk and slowly winding down the day you write whatever you can come up with) and then, I go to kill some spiders and then, bam! it turns into LJ homepage, my work has disappeared and AOL, just does not operate on the back button feature so I have no other recourse.

Damn you AOL! They will be shocked when I don't subscribe to their services at the end of my free trial period.

Moving on, I spent my evening answering surveys. The first one was about the car, I lied my ass off all through. They gave me a good deal but then, they shirked responsibility on stuff like cleaning the car, presenting the car to me beforehand (I test drive a new one and drove out with one that had quite a few miles) and informing me on the warranty information, etc.

Then, we come to the enterprise survey. They just charged me for a vacation day without giving me the option to ask for it or not. I just had to go with the completely dissatisfied bit. I know the chances of them refunding my money are slim but I am just gonna have to go with telling them how much spending $93 hurt me really much.

In other news, I have lost my creative edge and my sense of humor. My will to do anything else apart from watch TV and eat in my spare time, and my desire to advance in my career, the eating is my way of feeling sorry for myself. I have just lost it. In between that I crave Keanu

I so wanted to write in last night, and say a personal prayer for the week, and all that I put in here, but after a very long phone call with my friend in California, who was at daytime while I was at nightime, and a very boring episode of SATC, I just threw in the towel at 10:36 and hoped to not fall too deep into sleep, so much that waking up this morning would feel bad.

I am going to gently hunt for a part time job. I need to know that there is an extra paycheck coming in instead of the one I have been relying on for the past 4 months. If not, I would be running a very tight ship, which is not me.

But I pray that the side job hunt goes well, and that I find something worthwhile to include in my resume and whatnot, and something that is not as degrading as everything else that I've run away from to get into this office job.

These and many more blessings, I am asking you O Lord this week, for your guidance and protection in my hardship days.

My Flat in Lawrenceville

I just caught the title of a blog that was very captivating, it was called My Summer in Oxford. I wish I could write about something that engaging, about another place in life, a space of time that was filled with an adventure, better than, my life as an invisible person in America. 

My family left my house yesterday, since I had to work in the morning, I didn't get to see them leave. When I got back my mum left me a sweet sweet note that almost got me to tears, and just underneath it my nieces signed it and said, bye auntie, your house was fun. 

In the note my mum prayed that my new house will bring me so many good things, and that I shall always have money to pay for my rent *hint, hint* and that I shall prosper in all things. I am saving it for my tear-jerker moments. 

In other things, I am now alone in my house, and yes, about to tackle it again for the second time, the first time around only lasted for 5 days before they moved in for 2 weeks. Let's see how long this one lasts. But this is me. And I should face it with little or no tear jerker moments. 

Seriously.

I am at work today. On a Saturday, yes, and so far it's ookay, the phones have a way of ringing off the hook on saturdays like they expect the entire team of staff to be at work on a Saturday asides from that, today is pretty slow, even my boss wants to leave.

Driving a new car (well semi-new with just 4000 miles on it you can't really qualify it as a used car) feels refreshing. Like I am seeing things differently behind the wheel, like I know people will have a new found appreciation for me on the road as opposed to the sneer I used to get in my Jalopy Jetta, that vibrated every time I switched gears and I know that that reliability is behind me all the way. It is costing me a lot more now, a lot more of my everyday money is going down the drain for it but it's worth it to escape the stupidity of the clients that come at my face in my office.

Oh yeah, so yesterday, I traded in my Jalopy Jetta for a good deal on an '03 Honda Civic with a 10% down payment, 10% interest rate and 4000 miles. yeesh, that was a good deal even for me.

So yeah, my life has changed considerably since I last wrote in here, I have more bills, extremely high bills but I am somewhat so happy that it scares me to see the repercussion. But it's time to thank God for all the blessings and my new car to go with my new apartment. By his mercy He will help me pay for both of them comfortably.

Amen!

Yeah!

I didn't want to do any websurfing today but the day leaves me no choice. Because, I had a lot I wanted to write down last night but I was too sleepy to do it. Nowadays, at 9 o'clock my eyes are shutting.

1) The car issue has not been resolved. It's annoying the life outta me. Everytime I drive the car, I keep saying, this car you are not gonna drive me to broke-ass state, I swear. Nothng is worth that.

2) Sometimes, I feel like the society punishes single, childless women. Why? Because ever so often, I get charged more for several items because I am single--insurance, taxes, etc--and I don't get to sneak a day off, with the excuse that my child is ill just like the other moms (single or not) do. It's our choice to be single and free to mingle, we shouldn't be left to pay for other people's problems, or children or other decisions. It's ridiculous.

3) I am just in those kinda moods where you start to check if your pantyhose or whatnot is on too tight. The lady who is temping for our receptionist who is away on vacation, is just so freaking annoying. She used to work here, and she chose to work on her own, so she has that air of: I am glad I left when I did, and all of you don't know what you are in for, especially me the new girl" surrounding her that it causes my g-string to hurt more than it should.

4) I wonder whatever happened to groups like O Town, Dream, that Popstar group, and a host of others who owned the charts in 2001 and some part of 2002. Did they just not sell a single record since, or should I write VH-1?


There is more but this is it for now. I have quite a lot to do in the office today I am just being an idiot and not catching up with my work.

Let's all get liberated!

That's my vibe for the week.

Get Liberated Anita, and loosen the ropes tying you down to reckless stupidity behind.

In otherwords forget about certain things such as:

1) I am so broke.

2) I found a car I like but they want me to put down 20% down payment and for once I don't have it. I know within time I may have it, pull it out from my hat or something, but right now, nope, not after moving two weeks ago, and paying rent soon after. I do not have it.

3) I spent $94 of my emergency money renting a car I didn't quite need over the weekend. It was a luxurious ride, felt good to drive a reliable comfortable, millenium car for once. But then, it cost me MONEY!

4) I need a car. I don't have money for it, but I so need it. What is this?

5) My sister went to church with us today. This is the first time since I've known her.


I want to thank God for a wonderful weekend. For bringing me closer to my family with their stay in my apartment. For making me believe that you would be there for me against all odds, and most of all for showing me he difference You can make in my life in just one year.

I ask that you answer my petitions this week as crazy as they may sound because I really need this car right now. I won't ask if I didn't need it, and I wouldn't want what is not good for me, but I can only ask that You make it happen and work all the p's and q's for me, that this deal falls through just as it should be. As the Lord has masterminded it to be, every step along the way.

I thank thee, and I owe You my life and I promise to keep your promises and emulate the peace You have put inside me in everything that I do, always. All these and more I ask of thee O Lord, Amen!

Hanging by a Moment

I just feel like I am hanging on a thread virtually and instead of someone to make the rope thicker or pull me up to shore, they latch onto that thread with me and we thus weaken the rope some more, making it even more difficult for any of us to do anything, or get to shore safe.

What do I mean by all these, I shall explain.

I know I mentioned here how I had wanted to move out and how my family came with the whole I hope you can make it on your own, and if you don't we won't be there for you.

Now, they are here with me. They have been here for a week now and still have another week to go. The deal for the house they were supposed to move into didn't work out before they sold their house, so they are in between houses right now, and they are now at my place.

I don't mind it, I just feel like it would be better if they would give me a helping hand. If they had given me a helping hand throughout my move, and if I can trust that they would help me with some bills at least when they leave. But I know they won't. They are just like that. It would just be their way of taking from me all the years I have had to live with them and take from them. Besides, they would say, Oh you would have racked up that high an electric/water bill anyway regardless of our stay. No, I wouldn't have.

It would just hurt a lot having to get through those first set of bills.

On my way home last night, my car rattled through my 99x enjoyment. I just knew that rattling coldn't come from the loud drums played in that Linkin Park song. So there I was, listening for it, and then, it was a sad, deep throaty noise followed by a rattle that seemed like it was drying out.

I got home, thinking it would get better by the morning, it didn't. I knew I was screwed for work today. So, today, I go to the mechanic expecting good news, it was bad. Then, I had to rent a car. Renting a car is on my list of things to do once in my life. I was just thinking about it the other day saying to myself, for once I would like to drive a car that I shall feel comfortable with, to be on that comfort level even if its' for a little bit. To feel like a queen for a day, or a week, or whatever time I can afford the luxury comfort car.

Didn't know it would come too soon and under my broke circumstances. I was happy to know that there were quite a bit of people who chose that option, so that way they can get to work without any worry while some body else picks up the tab for wear and tear on a vehicle. Cool and expensive.

Daily Funk

I am in such a sucky mood today. They are installing the cable today and you all know how I hate Bellsouth, they are so rude on the phone. No tact whatsoever. I hate this freaking monopoly of business that leaves us with no choice but to go with those scumsuckers.

Add that to the list of just how broke I am.

I hope today goes by like a breeze, a cool, refreshing one, cos' I am so bitter. The Bellsouth thing is consuming me.

My livejournal account is getting very boring. The people there do not update, even when they do it's about something that doesn't interest me at all, but seems to interest every other person on there. Then, they do not read my work, or jottings, because they are too preoccupied with nude pictures of some other person or sordid confessions of some hottie and responding to how much they would want to participate in them with him/her. It's just one of those things that started off with a good intention and just went poof!

Being that this week is so slack for me, I spend a little portion of my time in the morning surfing the web before my boss comes in and I can no longer pretend that I am working.

Following the conversation below, I put some of those names through the web. Keanu.com is a site about a dog, someone dedicated the entire site to his dog, somehow the dog's name is Keanu. I don't know about you, but it was the ugliest dog ever. Then, simple.com is something else I can't put my finger on.

There goes the web idea.

My family is still at my house. Why do I mention it on here, and then, pretend that it is not a problem. Well, they are here. It is still not a problem. Perhaps, it's my way of reflecting on the other things that are going on in my life, asides from what I think of internally. My horoscope said I would be plagued with financial problems, and bly me, I am. There is about zero dollars left in my account after all my bills get paid. And those bill collectors waste no time in cashing their check now do they.

This is something I hate to talk about in here because it bears nothing on my creativity or my imagination which is what this weblog should be about. But being financially strapped can just take over your every thought and leaves you wondering, can those ends ever meet in this lifetime?

I shall take a little leave from it, until something more creative comes out of my mouth.