Sunday, leading to a manic Monday

I had a strange dream last night that gave me an eerie feeling about myself that has lasted all through today.

I dreamt that Keanu--the one and only object of my obsessions, musings and writings--was getting married to a rich yuppie woman (who was not in the business) whom he hardly knew. What's stranger is that he had met me and was surprisingly drawn to me, but the day before he proposed to her he kisses me and then, I watch Entertainment Tonight the next day and in the news they delve into this whole charade of how he is getting married to this beautiful starlet and how much in love the couple are. To make it worse, they decide to dedicate a whole week on some sort of wedding watch, talking about him, her, his past loves, his careers, and the plans for the big day.

I was so livid it was unbelievable. I did talk to him (in the dream) about it and ask him why he was seemingly interested in me one moment and then, getting into this rich woman he hardly knew. He said nothing, and then, I asked why do the rich always marry the rich. He replied explaining that he wasn't just a rich guy he was somebody who was luck to have money. Like there was a difference.

To cut a long story short, I woke up sweating and worried, so bothered by my premonition. I dont know why I was upset that he was getting married. I shouldnt be obsessed, I shouldn't. I want him to be as happy as my best friend because he deserves it. That sad face is looking for something and if he finds it why should I begrudge him a smile.

I know how much I like him may sometimes overshadow rhyme and reason, and just plain reality but it would be sad of me to think like a child, a teenager, a lunatic. I know that our paths will never cross. I have accepted, I accept it everyday I look at myself in the mirror and everytime I go to my job and everytime I read a headline he is in. That is the reality of one's existence with a substance that is so far removed from it they are almost opposites. I also know he is never going to meet me or give a shit about me or my stories or obsessions. I know all these and then, I worry that perhaps I may rust unburnished if I never get to visit that other side of my obsessions that is inhabited mainly by him. I don't want to believe that there is an adventure that I haven't undertaken in my life, that I haven't crossed over or been privileged to experience, and to never know or to have never experienced it is one of the worst feelings to grow old with.

I just walked around today with this uncomfortable feeling inside the pith of my stomach that made me feel like a child and an unfaithful lover. Unfaithful in the sense that I feel like my "obsessions" with him are depriving me from opening my eyes or letting him to want to open his, or pursue whatever will make him happy. It feels all immature and kndergartennish, that I am shocked that I am writing this down. I dont want to seem like the obsessed fan who has this website that is sometimes about her but her mind is always preoccupied with her childish crush on an unreachable nonchalant actor. I don't want him or his people to ever stumble on this and think, what a sad girl, she never discovered her true potential she just wasted away on whining for this poor man. I just want to believe, and in that belief know, that I am better than that, bigger than what my obsessions are leading me to and to want to be the happiest person alongside everyone else for him if that were ever to be the case, which I am sure within time will be. Does that make sense?

Eventually, I didnt go to church for no good reason, I just lost track of time as I went over to my sister's to get my hair done and I basically just felt weird ALL DAY. I still do. I know within a week or perhaps maybe tomorrow's news will have this as the headline, I have an uncanny way of predicting things in my sleep especially when they don't go in my favor. Maybe that's what's so scary about it--that I am seeing something take place that has no bearing on me whatsoever but will forever make me feel empty and untapped.

I leave this now with a prayer which is even more important today because I didn't go to church, so I didn't get to share my day (and my dream) with Christ and I feel so left out of everything. I think this is mainly my heart playing out certain worries that are plaguing it, the whole "I feel left out" thing, like I don't belong or like the bandwagon of life started and I missed it. The receptionist at work makes as much as I do, my dreams of becoming a writer are nowhere near accomplished, I am twice the size I was last year and four times the size I was when I moved here. And I walk around everyday, every moment alone. No one looks twice at me, even though I sometimes look twice at them. It's me, and I know this whole Keanu getting married dream is just my psyche's way of telling me, so sad but you should know you are the last woman on earth when we all get to go to heaven.

Dear Lord, I don't want to feel like that, I don't want to be deprived of my dream, my aspiration or my needs, I know my wants may be a little eccentric, but moreso Lord I pray you keep me in your heart whenever there comes a blessing. I pray you find me company on this earth and that I feel accompanied in times when I am alone, and inspired in times when I am tapped out, and hopeful in times when I dare to dream and wish for the impossible. I know that time will come, and it will be something more special than what I am wanting right now. I just pray I live long enough to see it. And for him, I pray he finds happiness too, and that God restores his smile, and gives him a reason for everything that has happened to him thus far.

These and many more blessings I ask of you O Lord this week.

--Amen!