Lawyering in ATL

Talk about work:

Today on the radio they were discussing job satisfaction and how Atlanta rates no. 2, second to Chicago, in lowest job satisfaction. Apparently people in ATL do not like their jobs. A bunch of people called and talked about a whole lotta stuff that makes people unhappy with life, thus affecting their jobs, and two of them I agree with and I had been meaning to talk about. 

First and foremost is the traffic, which is inexcusable, because there are just no sidewalks anywhere to aid walking to work and no public transportation so everyone feels they just have to drive to work, even if it is seconds away. 

Secondly is "bad bosses."

The bad bosses bit I wanted to talk about a little bit. I am yet to find a job where the person I work for creates somewhat of a role model for me that makes me want to work for them, look up to them and just strive to obey them. It's always bosses that make mistakes and think it is your job to clean up after their mistakes. I don't know if I am just unlucky with my jobs or this is a general scenario so I should please learn to ignore it and stop whining. I am not asking to work for Oprah Winfrey which the way things are looking now, is the only boss worth working for, but I just want someone who takes responsibility for their actions and does not think it is the juniors job to either clean up their mistakes or do stuff they just do not enjoy doing.

Clean up their mistakes: My boss loses a file, or leaves the file in her car, in her trunk, etc. She is a very careless, very scatter brained young lady. This was the same as my other job. Someone calls with an important message and you don't write it down, weeks after we are asking the person why didn't you call, but they did and spoke to you, and what did you do about it? I just hate having to be the one that would either look for the file endlessly and spend hours that could be used doing something else looking for that file or having to call somebody else to ask them to give us second copies of the document that was contained in the file which they may not want to do (which is understandable) and then they act all pissed off to me about it when it was not my fault, at all. You see that's continually the job for the junior staff cleaning up a boss' mistake, it's ridiculous.

Doing stuff they don't like to do: Bosses do not like to pick up their phone and ask for stuff, talk to clients, or just make any phone call whatsoever. Why would you not want to talk to a client? You are making more money from this person than the junior staff is, you owe this person a chance to talk to the boss not the junior staff who may not actually understand all their demands. Several other things they don't like to do but phone calls that involve any kind of deliberation whatsoever is top on that list. And I hate it when I make that phone call and the person on the other line, says, "I don't want to talk to you, I want to talk to your boss." It's like, "Yeah, I knew that I could have told my boss that too, but they insisted that I'm the one who dials the number since they are too big to dial numbers now." Isn't that insanely bourgeoise of them?

This is sounding like an article now.

I pray everyday for the day I shall become a boss of some kind. I pray that when I do I am accountable, a good role model of some kind and that I learn to do my own stuff and not send other people to do my dirty work for me. I just pray that day comes soon because I am losing patience with working for uninspirational people.

CD Haul

I got some CD's from the BMG Music CD club:

Toni Braxton--Secrets

Waiting to Exhale Soundtrack

Janet Jackson--Velvet Rope

Madonna--Greatest Hits Volume Two

Do you see a pattern here?

I love strong female music, because it just inspires you to become a stronger woman, strong in your convictions, a comfort in your solace and gives you room to expand your thoughts on what you change and not change or would like to stay the same about yourself.

March Sniffles

I spent all weekend being sick as a dog. Yesterday bright and sunshiny day, a Saturday to be enjoyed by every youthful person out there, I was locked away in my house, ill and tired.

It's the allergy season, one time I really hate the weather and crave my country so much. Yes, we do not have allergy weather, pollen, ragweed, etc over there, just smog and grease which the scorching rays of the sun always happens to melt. I wish I could live in Nigeria for two months out of the year, March and April and America for the remaining ten months. I know Lord heard that!

The good thing is I wrote some KEANU!

Since I am inching back to my writing and obsession, the time off from driving and the pursuit of other not-quite-as-inspirational things left me time to create, and that mode has been on for quite awhile. I am even scribbling dialogue lines in traffic now. It is also a sensitive state, the KEANU mode, I just don't really like talking about it, I just hope this works out longer for me, it often starts like this and dissipates in weeks.

I wonder why I love that man, I love him, I love him, I love him. *fades into a soft whisper*

Lord give me strength, humility, patience and obedience to go through another week. Give me strong bones, guide and protect me and my family from every ill health and lead us safely, O Lord into your guiding light. Amen

Weekend Closure

I am so in the mood to get out of the house and go for a beer/drink/socials. It's the last bit of the weekend for crying out loud. I am gonna go, I have already had dinner, some stupid leftovers I really shouldn't ave bothered eating but I am in the mood to mingle with people.

I pray that I have a good week, that God heals my heart and my mind, that I am not wasteful or ungrateful, that the Lord shall protect me as I go and come home. Teach me to love you daily more and more, O Lord, and let me be forever yielding to your will. In Jesus mighty name I pray, Amen.

Horoscope from yesterday, I just happened to read it today:

The Sun winds up its journey through Pisces today, offering a few hours to get that special someone feeling empathetic to your desires. Arrange an impromptu encounter in late afternoon to drop hints about where things between you two should be going.

NO SHIT!!!!

In the advent of that, I woke up feeling a little refreshed today. I got my nails done last night, went to the movies, saw my girl Angelina Jolie, once again act her head off as well as display her luscious bosom, and I came home and had icecream for dinner. I woke up reminding myself of all the things I want in a life partner and how he may not fulfill those things.

For one, I do not know what he does for a living. And, he is not the most intelligent guy in the world, he said he plays chess, but I want someone that makes me think, not Einstein but something a little intriguing and stimulating in the brains department.

Then, there's the issue of living in Nigeria, I do not want to live there. I don't particularly enjoy living here but I didn't enjoy living there either. It's just a matter of preference, I know God will not give me something that is not good for me. I know that now after all my years of trials and tribulations and lusting for jobs that actually pay less than the one I am in now, and God telling me indirectly through the mode of disappointments that I should just wait that a good well-paying job is coming and it has come. And I am in it and loving every minute of it.

That is that.

In that time frame I have been thinking KR thoughts to sort of tie me over. Isn't it suprising how I abandon him and just pick him up when I am by myself. On Thursday in the news they were talking about how much money Mel Gibson is going to make from the Passion. They said if it clears one Billion dollars at the box office, it could make him the richest actor in the world, followed by Keanu Reeves. Now, that was a shocker. Keanu is the second richest actor in the world! Who knew? I knew he made money from the Matrix, but wow! I don't think I want him that rich, really poor living down my block, still as intelligent and humble as he is I can deal with it. All this moolah gets to change people and their intentions for one another. I don't know.

Simple kind of life should write itself in a couple of days with the kind of mood I am in.

Glimpse of Negro

I find it hard to concentrate at my current job. I am just distracted by certain things, and then I doodle so much online, surfing Livejournal, basically wasting a whole bunch of time that could be used on something else. And it's worse when the attorney has to work in the office that day because then that means she gets distracted with me being just next door and then we end up discussing a whole bunch of stupid stuff instead of working.

Like this morning, we talked about Prada bags, Kate Spade sunglasses and the essence of every woman to look sophisticated in order to nail a man. Needless to say, with all the work that has to be done, this is what we are talking about.

This afternoon, I logged onto Yahoo IM to talk to my ex-boyfriend Kevin, who was the only person at a point who knew about the disappearance of my period. (and showed genuine concern no less)

He slips in casually mid talk, just before I tell him the good news about my non-knocked up state.

"I am just in the middle of planning my wedding."

I turn from yellow to red. I try to pretend that I am happy, then I go all shocked, and start to criticize his decision.

"Why now," I ask. "Do you think you are old enough?"

"There's no time to waste, life is too short." he responds.

Then, I don't say anything for awhile but then, I pace the office floor, I stumble, I hurt and I just cannot believe I feel this hurt about it.

I 'fess up: To tell you the truth I am shocked because the last time we talked, you wanted to bang my brains out, on your table, now you are getting married. It just seems a bit sneaky (that's the word I was looking for but couldn't find at the time) rushed and sudden.

He says I never showed him that there was a chance of us getting back together.

(you know that's true because now that I think about it, it would have never worked, because he would have wanted me to live in Nigeria and I don't want to. He would have made me compromise so much of me to be with him and I would have been so worried that he would cheat on me every time that I would not go to bed reassured of my husband's fidelity. And besides, Keanu is my husband, right?)

He says again, "The last time we talked you had a boyfriend."

Which is a lie, last time we talked I had invited him to Atlanta and he was elated, elated, I shit you not, that I was inviting him to come see me, so when did the becoming an old mister bell ring for him and he decided to propose to his girlfriend. Honestly!

He continues: "I followed my instinct."

I decide not to say anything more.

I say basically "that my instinct had told me to keep away from you, that you had broken my heart terribly once and that there was a distinct possibility that it might happen again, that was why I kept away from you for 3 years." Mostly when I moved here. He had begged me, literally begged me early this year to speak to him, to forgive him that he was a child then, that he cherished our relationship, wish we had had a chance to explore more, etc. Now, he does this. Trust me it's worth breaking someone's heart.

I can't say I am heartbroken, I am just a little crushed more to say. Crushed and disappointed that I failed to follow my own instincts. With Uninteresting Guy and now, with him. I just have not been paying close attention to my inner heart lately.

This morning I particularly prayed about this. I asked that God not let me die an old maid, alone living in her apartment, waiting on love that just does not want to show up. I don't know why I was moved to talk about it this morning, maybe premonition, I suppose, but I just could not hide from the fact and the truth that this pregnancy scare brought to life inside me. That I do not want to be by myself for too long, and since I have achieved a little more than a lot in my career, this may be a good time to cash in on other areas of my life, like finding real love.

He asks me to say more. But I don't. I just tell him it's best we do not talk to each other anymore. We should say our ggodbyes and just end it now. So we did. I deleted him from my friend's list, placed him on IGNORE and that was that.

It's going to be a rough weekend. The tears welling up in my eyes tell me that.

Painter Has Arrived Downstairs...

I think my period is here.

I see faint spots and I have slight period fever.

I just thought to say here that I saw Mona Lisa Smile Last night.

Exceptionally good movie. To think I didn't want to watch it in theaters because I thought it would be another ode to Julia, but it was really rather good, like Bridget Jones for the 1950's woman.

I love how she answered the all-important question, "Why aren't you married?" Haven't I been asked that question one too many times, and it gets too boring to answer that you start to think, was it wrong of me to want to experience life as opposed to choosing life as a housewife. If I had money I would send that movie to each and everyone of my friends, all of them who hung up their law degrees ever so rapidly at the sight of a suitor with a charmiing smile and the wit is a mouse, who was all too ready to marry them and come out of that relationship chasing me, especially to the one who's getting married this September, maybe as her wedding gift. And with all my love too.

I also saw 13. Incredible movie. In fact those two movies were so good I feel like watching them again. 13 I shall give to my sister. She needs a copy of that in her archives for self study when her girls turn 13. But I think the age 13 is a bit too young for those girls too do all that they did. Maybe 15, but 13 is a like a step away from 12, and when you were 12, Barbie days are still a memory away.

This was not a good weekend health wise though. I couldn't do anything before 10 and before a huge breakfast. I slept with these heavy cramps numbing me, the headache pounding me, and my breast feel like lumps of stone I am logging around. Of course, you can already guess I couldn't go to the gym or move farther than my car. I still have many chores to complete for the weekend and I can't seem to get to them. My head bloody feels like a rock. As if I needed confirmation I have found it now in my deploring health.

Please forgive me Lord for the decision which I am faced with. And I pray that You help me to move on and not do this again. Thank you for understang, and may Your Grace and love carry me through. Amen!

I am at the office a little late today, unavoidable traffic plus I left a little late today. I am thinking of sending my boss an email asking if I can come to work at 9:30 instead of 9, gives me at least 30 minutes to avoid the traffic rush downtown. Today's was a bummer, good thing I had breakfast whilst in it.

Between now and the last entry, I have:

Gone to the gym twice. I have more energy now than I did before. I did the step climber equipment thing at my gym for 26 mins, there was a time I couldn't last 10 mins on that thing. I also went to my cardio kickboxing class last night so I have completed the chain of exercise for this week.

I have also taken that test twice. Once last night and then this morning, couldn't pass up the early morning urine test which they say always gives the best results. Both times it read NEGATIVE. I have decided to just wait on the period and not think about it AT ALL. If it comes, yeah, that would be good, if I am pregnant, not so good, but it is not the end of the world. I have spent too much time and money and just heartache thinking this through ten ways from Sunday. This is not the end of my life, I am old enough to have a kid, geez! someone would think I was 17 or something.

I have also spoken to Uninteresting Guy about it. He called me Monday night and when I told him as succintly as I could manage, he was speechless. He said I had every right to worry but he was just speechless about the whole thing. He has called several times since then but since I've been "living" at the gym now it's been hard to speak to him. I may call him from the office--me feeling bad that I am putting him in that position. He didn't sound too happy about his life though, I don't know what's going on with that. Why do I care? He is not my husband, and hopefully I shall not bear his child, but I just care.

This reminds me of Jennifer Syme and Keanu. They had broken up and a few months later, she found out she was pregnant. Can you imagine how hard it must have been for her to make that call to him saying, "Hey, just when I thought it was over with us, now I am expecting your child." This is somewhat similar except, Keanu is the intense hunk that he is and I would much rather be having his child this day, today anytime in my life and Jennifer lost the baby and died, tragically. However, I've been thinking about her since it happened. You can only remember someone when you are in somewhat of the same situation as they've been in. Cos' believe me it was a hard discussion to have with the Uninteresting one on Monday.

It's 30 minutes, time to get back to work.

To Be or Not to Be

I just saw Pieces of April. JTfft. Just confirms how unkind and mean people are, and that help comes from us the foreigners. You'll figure it out if you've ever had this conversation with me or have any idea how I think from this journal.

I am getting strangely personal on this journal lately.

No news on the pregnancy front.

I drove halfway across town because I was ashamed to get a pregnancy test kit too close to where I live. I ended up doing that at the CVS just a corner from my house, and a guy was the cashier, go figure! Do you know that in Kroger they keep it locked up so that way you HAVE to ask a clerk to open up the booth to let you have one, talk about rubbing the embarrassment all over you.

The test which was conducted badly, read negative. It gave me hope to go through the rest of the day otherwise I would have been in pieces. A wonderful bright and shiny Sunday and I was indoors grieving over, "Am I or am I not?" My sister thought I had big plans for the day, "Are you going to the movies or something?" she asked. No. I am just going across town to see if I get an EPT. I said to myself.

I love my family. I really do. If there is one person I love more than I it is my family. But they would never understand this. I sat in church and thought of all the better positive ways to make them see this my way like I've tried on issues I've felt strongly about and they haven't. But this one, no way. I don't even see it my way. The father is such a creep. I called him today and he called me right back and hung up on me, pretending not to hear me because he recognized my voice. Who was I sleeping with? Some childish, hurtful stupid creep? Please God I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to have this creep's child. I know there are a million lessons about unselfishness and love and growth and responsibility God wants to teach me but I don't want to be pregnant. Not with his child. I BEG OF YOU.

The test said wait a couple of days and if your period doesn't show up, then take it again. I would rather spend 25 bucks clarifying this issue now, than call that bastard and have to tell him I am with his child. Fuck! how could I have been so stupid?

Please dear Lord, I hope and pray and beg of you that I am not. I pray that I shall learn my lesson from this in a good way and I pray that You shall forgive me for thinking this way and I hope that in some way I can make it up to You Father, and I strive and live for that day. But for today I pray that this is settled soon enough and I get my August visitor just as planned. Thank You Lord. For this and many more blessings I ask of You this day. Amen.

Pros and Cons - Le Baby

I fear I may be pregnant.

It isn't so bad right, having a child without a husband. After all, I am almost 30, a little financially independent, and lonely. It would be nice to have tiny tot of my own. Those are the pros that are going through my head right now.

The cons are many: I haven't spoken to Uninteresting guy in close to a month, after our sexual escapade and in my quest for a new job I felt the powers that be ask me: which would you prefer to work out, a new job or your relationship with Uninteresting guy. This is a no brainer, of course its a new job, more pay and everything I ever wanted. Now, here I am looking for my period. It is a about a week late. I don't want to have a kid for a man I do not care about and who I am sure does not care about me, I would traumatize that poor child. Besides, I have been drinking alcohol, coffee, etc, all the things an expectant mom should keep away from if she wants her kids to be normal. This cannot be happening to me. How would I explain to my family? Who is the father and why did you have unprotected sex with a man you hardly know? I can't explain it to myself AT ALL.

I just want to get out of this without feeling as if I hate children or what not, because I do not, I love them even though they come to you at the least opportune time. I just have a lot going on in my life right now, I can't explain where this child would fit in. What happens to Mr. Right, what if he finally decides to show up and is wondering why are you with another man's child? Really why?

I have decided that if I am I shall tell my family the condom broke. The usual lie and I shall say I did it cos I got tired of being by myself I wanted a little baby to keep me company. But the thing is I told them, as well as you and everyone else that I couldn't stand the Uninteresting one, how can I come now to say, Yes I slept with him. It's gory and reeks of Urrgh!

I am just pleading inside me, and to God to please help me get out of this. I don't have the symptoms of a pregnant person. Asides from the constant running tommy I have, I don't feel nauseous, tired, sensitive breasts, heavy, backache, etc. I don't have any of those instead I have so much energy that I work out now more than I used to in the past. So where's my period?

Eternal Job Hunt

New Job Update:

This is in hope that I have impressed on my manager/attorney that I am assisting. But with all the faith that I have, this is my update on the new job and somewhat prayer for relief that this is the last stop on the long line of jobs, career quests and internal directional questions for Anita. I am praying that the buck stops here.

Pros:

1) The environment is so WOW! healthy, foreign, beautiful, so good, that at a point I don't know if it is I working there. Tall buildings, remember I asked for that. Serious minded people all headed to their respective jobs with laptops/oversize briefcases in tow. The landscaping and the scenery is just breathtakingly refreshing, you get to sit in the courtyard and have lunch. I can't wait to see it in the summer, and can you imagine that courtyard at Christmas. But enough of that.

2) There are several other pros as in I am hoping I have a better working relationship with the lady I am working with than my former boss. Fewer staff, the phone does not ring off the chain like my other job, and there is interaction between me and other paralegals/attorneys, not with bankrupt uneducated people. Moreso, I can get a 15 minute break every now and then and I don't think it would be an issue.

I shall reserve the rest for a month in, it's too early to call right now.

Cons:

1) The journey to and from work is so damn hectic I am knackered each and every time. I know I will get a hang of it. At best I can find somewhere in that beautiful side of town to hang out in till I get to go home later. I want to start packing an extra tee shirt and comfortable shoes just so I can change from them occasionally.

2) Haven't mastered my way around yet so I do not know where to eat lunch.