Sadly, as the weekend ends

That's the thing about weekends, you crave them all bleeding week, and yet they come and go so quickly. I had so many things in mind that I wanted to do over the weekend, that as I went to bed on Friday night, I had to write them down. And I did some of them, I even swapped some for other things. Like biking. I actually took a very nice long ride around my neighborhood this morning, for a whole hour. With the cool fall breeze slapping my face and tearing up my eyes and nose. It was so liberating. I didn't want it to stop. But it had to because I had other plans for the day. I had to go to CHURCH!

I went to church for the first time in two weeks. The bulletin from the last time was still stuck in between my car seats. It was on October 7th. I just gasped and thought, gosh I cannot believe it's been that long. How awful! But I reclaimed my Christianity today and hopefully I won't stay away that long. Hopefully! I cannot summarize what the priest said today that made any sense in my personal chaos. I just sat there and prayed for some personal peace of mind such as I found this morning as I rode my bike ans surprisingly didn't trip or fall. That kind of peace that come to you when you least expect it and surprises you.

The rest of the day. Retail therapy, Barnes and Noble meditating and browsing of free magazines, and then a relaxing evening in my home. I never noticed how pretty the awful roof looks in the evening with the lights off, only the lights from the next building casting a shadow over the grey walls. It's a haunting beauty. I should take a picture of it next time. I actually have gotten into the habit of not looking up at the roof, but tonight, it was like one of those castles that harbor a mystery in the darkness.

So that was my weeekend. Listening to the last good album Whitney produced. Not so long ago but yet so many tragedies later. Such is life in between the gaps.

women are ummph!

I don't know why it is so hard to make plans with women. 

A guy would blow off his lady to spend a night out with his buddies, but a woman would blow off her friends to spend some time with her man. At the drop of a hat she wouldn't even flinch. There is not that much respect and bond involved in female friendship such as men have with their guys. Like they say, Bros before Hos! Since I moved here I have tried to make friends with some women, and it starts out fine initially when they are single and in need of company, the minute some guy seems remotely interested in them, they just flip the switch, they instantly blow you off, Friday night after Friday night. So much so they don't even return your emails.

I took myself out this Friday to Veni Vidi Vici. My coworker and I had planned to go together since Monday, I looked at the menu and she said sounds like a good idea. I asked her every day during the week, are you going to make it, she said yes each time. I asked her first thing on Friday, she said fine, I asked her before I stepped out to lunch, she said, fine. At 3 pm she sends me an IM. I cannot make it some thing came up. I was WTF?? How many times have I freaking asked you this question. If you didn't want to go you should have just said NO. I am used to dining by myself so much I have gotten used to it, at home and outside. It just irritated the heck out of me that she would try to throw that one on me, I cannot 

make it at the umpteenth hour. Needless to say I had also invited my regualr buddies, the ones that attended my dinner party to come along. And what did they say, one responded that she had plans, and one didn't even feel the need to respond. Isn't that irritating? Women are just uummph!

That's why I've never made friends with women, I was always the lone girl who hung around the guys, that was me, sitting with them, driniking beer, laughing as they talk about how stupid women are, and they say, No offense to me, and I decline the apology because I know all too well how stupid women can be. But the second a girl breaks up with this guy, she will turn to you wanting a shoulder to cry on, wanting to talk about the relationship, wanting you to take sides. We need to realize that female friendship is not meant for only gay women, or a last minute resort to get over him, it's meant to build that brick wall so your heart doesn't get shattered when he dumps your clingy ass, so you can stop the heartbreak right with that wall and it doesn't have to hurt that much. It is meant to build that self-respect so the man doesn't feel like you can always drop everything just to be with him.

I have decided this time to make plans with myself. Just like I went to the show on Wednesday, didn't invite anybody, didn't discuss it with anyone and had a good time, didn't feel left out except for during She Will be Loved when Adam said, "Hold that someone special." His stupid skinny ass forgot that some of us came alone. I just need to be more about myself and less about, "do you want to come along?" when I know the answer is going to be NO, each time.

More on the Adam Show

More on the Adam show:

I think I should correct myself based on the comment below. There was an encore. Adam did play the bongos. He had this intense concentration on his face which contrasted the ease with which the drummer took us through a drum solo. But overall there were 13 songs sung during the concert. For a main act I think that is pretty short. They have 2 albums that is at least 24 songs, plus all the unrecorded songs. There should have been more. The Hives did 8 songs (8 very noisy songs), just five more and that would have been our main act! But I cannot complain. He sings live, looks sexy as hell and plays the guitar with ease. I have paid a somewhat similar amount just to see Gavin perform 4 songs. But that 20 minute performance was exceptionally electrifying. If only Adam would talk to us some more. Tell us anything...the last fight you guys had, what you were thinking when you wrote this or that song, what you think about touring...something.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are The Hives, you may clap now."

That is just classic European arrogance.

Maroon 5 Concert mini-review

So how was my Maroon 5 concert last night.

In a haze. It was fun to get out for a change. It's been so long since I have been part of all that concert craziness. The determinant was me getting floor seats even though I got the tickets so late. I sat beside these 2 geeky teenage boys that didn't know what to do when the music started. And there was this emo teenage boy right beside me too, that kept criticizing every move Adam made. 

Speaking of Adam. 

He knows what he has and he plays it to the fullest. He just knows that he is the embodiment of sex so he just wants to play it out, not speak, not banter with the crowd, just stand there being the sex and that will just get the crowd going. The Hives frontman did a whole lot of crowd interaction to get us riled up. I had never even heard of the Hives before this night but he got me interested. He is a performer. But Adam just strikes this "I am so cool, I am the Shit poses" and we all scream. It must be empowering to be that good looking and know it and be in a business that rewards you everyday for your looks.

They play good music live. Live music is the shit!! And that new drummer can throw down some rad beats. Totally underrated. But it was the Adam show. Everywhere he went, we followed, my camera followed and the screams followed and that just made for an entertaining evening.

The show was very short, lasted about an hour and 10 minutes. I actually thought they would do an encore but they didn't. I actually got up when I saw them dismantling the stage. Their set pieces are always very simple. No frills, no pyro, just lights that match the mood of the music, and no banter between the songs. And they didn't sing many songs. But the good thing is they sang "Sunday morning." If you don't know this, I resisted becoming a Maroon 5 fan. I thought they were overrated and just plain overplayed on the radio. You couldn't put the radio on without hearing, "This Love" or "She will be Loved." But then Sunday Morning came along and changed all that. 

It is one of those songs that just puts me in a good mood all the time. I've liked it since the first time I heard it in 2004 and I have heard several different versions of it, acoustic, live band arrangement, album arrangement and I still love the song. Something about it just makes me feel like it's going to be okay. So I went to the concert only after I confirmed from the reviews that Sunday Morning will be featured and indeed it was. It sounded the same, they didn't rework it. But hearing it live is just like this piece of happiness you wish you could bottle up and play over and over when that sad mood hits to lift you up. It's just phenomenal.

So that was my night. It was better than the last concert in 2005, better seats (even though last time I sat beside these young ladies that were so much fun), better mood, quicker exit out of the parking lot and a shorter tighter set. But I still think the Gavin experience tops all this.

All the things we wish we could do but couldn't

I wrote this back in March 2005:

a) There was Maroon 5 in March. Which at the time I got the tickets I was so excited to get to see Adam perform live, that when it eventually happened I was unemployed and going through the “senseless” phase, that I really didn’t have time and heart to take it in. Now, I have to wait at least a couple of years before that happens again.

Now, Maroon 5 is back in town tomorrow and I have decided not to go. I promised myself when I went to that concert in 2005 as you can see above, that the next one, if I am employed (which thankfully I am) I shall enjoy it to fullest, scream out my lungs and just enjoy the heck out of it. But I have decided not to go and I waited 2 and a half years for the next one to happen. Why am I not going, oh me advocate of "live life now"? I have looked at the tickets lots of times, one time I even got 6th row seats off Ticketmaster. I just cannot afford it. It will cost me $65 to go, not counting gas and the occasional beer. Small price to pay for a feat I have waited this long to conquer. But I can think of so many things I need to do with $65 that spending on a concert just doesn't seem like such a good idea. I really don't know what's come over me. Between the vacation in April and moving apartments, I am financially tapped out. This coupled with selling my RHCP tickets around this time last year, just shows how much of a non-fan I am. So far it's been a boring year. Good boring, no turbulent job changes (knock on wood) exciting, and asides from my whirlwind week in Las Vegas and SF in April, nothing monumental has occurred this year. If I were to do a 2007 recap, it will be a paragraph long. Travelled in April, changed jobs of my own will and apartments. Now live a mile and half from work in a studio loft. End recap. Sad, isn't it?

I'm not upset

I promise I am not. Just because I haven't been to church in two weeks, three if you count the week before, doesn't mean I am angry with God. I am just ...lonely. And at a strange loss for words. I have been at a loss for words for a really long time, but I still went to church somehow hoping that the words will come to me, but it hasn't. So I just got crippled. crippled by my pain, by my hopeless imagination, constant wanting, never having, wondering what do I need to do to solve this nagging loneliness. Crippled. Like my time stood still. For quite awhile now, and I was the last to know. The first to expect it. But the last one to prepare for such a crippling feeling.

I'm not upset. I just wish I could start believing. I wish God could give me a reason to keep believing. That this has some end to it, and it's a good ending. It's like the years pass by but some constants remain. My issues. Everything else could change, we could have a new president, awareness of global warming, children could age, but my problems would sit tight. In their time warp. Giving me every reason to be upset, not enough to believe.

Do you know what I wanted to say

I swear, I had something really intelligent to say, but it escapes my mind right now. The last few days have been extremely emotional and crippliing, so much I didn't want to work out. I just wanted to sit there and wallow, and wonder where was I when I wasted all this time doing nothing.
I found out that a couple of my old classmates have achieved and even surpassed their dreams. One is a lecturer, getting her double Masters in Stanford, One just shot her independent movie, with a new husband and her degree from NY Film School, and the others are working in Shell Oil, etc. And me, what am I doing? Throwing this pity-party apparently. Dodging Boss's day and just sick to my stomach that I didn't get to decide what I wanted to do and just do it. I keep remembering the conversation I had with my sister when I first moved here. Yes, I want to be a writer. Do you know how many writers there are in this country that are struggling to make it, you would just implode with the rest of them. And I thought, you know, you are right? That was way before I knew that I should never listen to her.

I knew I had something to say. I just am not sure if I want to say it.

What shade is your city

I miss certain things. I miss the black and white tones of San Francisco. There are places you see in color and some in black and white and some in greys.

Vegas was in color, cheesy colors all through. Philly was in shades of grey, some rustic colors. 

Chicago, I am not quite sure, I would say a hue-ish black and white. Like an architectural grey.

But San Fran, was certainly black and white, clear monochromes. Oh, I would love to visit that place again.

New York was in color, but a bright rich Christmas-ey color, rich hues, lush greens and wonderful Technicolor. even though majority of the pictures were in black and white, it was definitely in color for me. Maybe because it was Christmas so everything was bright and festive and damp and cold.

Brother's visit ended over the weekend

My brother and his wife left on Saturday. It's always bittersweet when he leaves. One minute they are getting on your nerves, and costing you a whole lotta money to entertain, and then before you know it, it's time for them to go, and you are suddenly overcome with pity and sadness that they have to go back to their lacklustre lives and you have to continue with yours like it never happened, like their visit never even happened. That's the only way to continue without having to break down each time he leaves. So it was bittersweet. Spent a total of 30 minutes with him at the airport and that was it. Sad it was.

Apart from that my weekend was not monumental. I was getting over the flu so I had a little relapse on Friday that called for a visit to the pharmacy to get some more cough medicine. And now I am at work, groggy from the cough medication. My illnesses never last a couple of days or just a week. They move on to other things, from a cold to a cough to chest congestion, to ear and throat congestion, etc. They just linger until they cost me so much money. And I can never pinpoint how they started in the first place.

By this time last week, my brother was home with me trying to help me recover from the first signs of my flu. Bittersweet, isn't it? You just have to move on until another year rolls around.

Morbid dreams

I occasionally have dreams involving my deceased Dad. It's not the kind of dream you immediately wake up and remember, you are just aware moments after that the dream involved you having a conversation with a dead guy.

It's getting more rampant now and it is starting to worry me. Hopefully I am not going to join him soon in the land beyond. Not that the worries and frustrations of this life are too good to pass up on, it's just that I am not prepared. So maybe it's time I got myself better prepared. It just worried me.

How was your weekend? They ask every Monday morning

I did a lot of TV watching this weekend. This was not a good weekend for me professionally. I spent quality time watching TV, loads and loads of TV and shopping. I didn't advance my skill anyway. I only say that because I know how guilty I feel when I spend money. I love to shop, and I love give myself wonderful gifts, but then when I do, I wonder if only I made more money, and I can only make more money if I knew more, if I was better at what I do, if my work or my skill was not so mediocre. And I cannot achieve the high level of skill that I expect from myself if I spend the entire weekend watching movies. So much so I didn't work out yesterday. I saw two extra long movies yesterday - The Holiday and Deja Vu. On Saturday morning, I saw Fear and the Illusionist. And on Friday, I saw something that I cannot even remember the name. They've all mashed up into one couch hugging weekend.

weekend update part deux

I also did a lot of shopping. Considering that my wardrobe size is very minimal in the loft, you would think I would cut back on shopping. I even said that to myself when I moved in and took an assessment of all my stuff, giving away a majority of the stuff, to make room for the clothes I intended to keep. I just said, you know what, I really don't need that many clothes and shoes. So it weaned me off shopping. And now here it is barely a month later, and I am shopping till I drop. I spent about $80 on shoes,
and $140 on clothes from the Gap, Express and Ann Taylor Loft sale rack. End of summer is indeed the best time to shop for next summer. Hopefully I will no longer be this size next summer or at least have somewhere to wear the dressy clothes to, but one can only hope.

Cursed with Singledom

Lately, I've been feeling as if I am living off a curse, that's why I am single and may sadly, remain so. 

Of all the siblings on either side of my family, at least one of them is unmarried. On my father's side, I have two aunts that are unmarried, they went on to have children out of wedlock and that was a sad outcome. The other aunt has 6 girls, and one of her girls is unmarried. On my mother's side, one of my aunt's is unmarried, she stayed dateless for the longest time, and was engaged (at least twice) and ditched just before marriage. She does not have any children and even that is a sad outcome. 

And then if you go further down the chain of relatives through cousins, etc, at least one of the women is unmarried. So I may be the one carrying the unmarried curse on behalf of my family. I sort of feared this was the case growing up, aware of the status of my relatives, and having to go through heartbreak after heartbreak. I thought this may be my life, it may have been set out for me that I may never marry, never find true love, hardly ever come close. I just remembered that this weekend, because even though I live in the heart of the city, where most of the major Atlanta events occur, I am still dateless and single as a Junebug. I am no Ugly Betty (in the looks department) but I am her in the attitude department, so what gives?