I promise I am not. Just because I haven't been to church in two weeks, three if you count the week before, doesn't mean I am angry with God. I am just ...lonely. And at a strange loss for words. I have been at a loss for words for a really long time, but I still went to church somehow hoping that the words will come to me, but it hasn't. So I just got crippled. crippled by my pain, by my hopeless imagination, constant wanting, never having, wondering what do I need to do to solve this nagging loneliness. Crippled. Like my time stood still. For quite awhile now, and I was the last to know. The first to expect it. But the last one to prepare for such a crippling feeling.
I'm not upset. I just wish I could start believing. I wish God could give me a reason to keep believing. That this has some end to it, and it's a good ending. It's like the years pass by but some constants remain. My issues. Everything else could change, we could have a new president, awareness of global warming, children could age, but my problems would sit tight. In their time warp. Giving me every reason to be upset, not enough to believe.
1 comment:
I speak from close to no experience but i think god can act only through you. If you believe then you are a part of that god in which you believe. Look around you, there is so much to be done, couldn't that be a reason to believe. Carpe diem.
-N
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