Been on the Shelf

For the love of a Manhattan I went to this first drink free event at the W. Nothing is good about this place but for the free drink which I virtually for by having to sit there bored to death while I sipped my drink, even the waitress seemed like she'd rather be doing something else. And I thought no shit, me lady me too. But for the love of a Manhattan.

Reminisce on "attorney guy"

I can't believe it's been a year since I loved you so completely, hopelessly, unnecessarily. I can't believe so much time has passed. I can't believe it's been a year since you charmed me so needlessly, inscrutably, effortlessly. I can't believe it's been a year since I had to deal with heartbreak as an adult, pain that hurt so much, it caused me to cut my hair off. I can't believe that type of hurt would eventually subside.

I can't (won't) believe I've aged a whole year in that time. I can't believe I actually still remember loving you. I can't believe that I may have changed? And do I regret wasting my time, hoping for you, needing you, wanting ...anything, thinking I would never get over you.

In that time what is new, I have fallen deeper in love with myself. I've realized that me is in this for the long haul so let's get used to us. I've realized that what hurts so much will eventually hurt less.

I can't believe a year has passed. I can't

Happiness is transient

There have been days that I've been happy.

I can remember those days.

Is it sad that in the last five years I can remember the few days that I've ever truly been in total bliss?

Friends have come and gone. Toasters (aka suitors) have come and gone. It's almost like a revolving door. Not that I don't show interest, with some of them I don't. It's that, I don't know how they can fit into this sole journey I've carved out for myself. So in the end, they are just passing ships in the stuff that is me, they just come and go. I almost expect them to leave at some point. If they last a month, I get weary, knowing that something is surely going to happen, some type of unforeseen fallout, some type of get-out-of-my-face event and that will just be it. I can't stand them and surely they can't stand me and I get upset just thinking about them. It's been this way. So, I remember the few times I've been happy. I remember them and I laugh and try to replay what it was that made me that happy. No baggage. No enemies. Bills, but chose not to think about them. Just something in the air, chose the right movie and went to it and enjoyed it. Chose the right event and went to it and had an awesome time. Something. A combination of things, a subtraction of ills. Something was in the air and it made me happy. Most of all, surprisingly, it's not been love. Few times I've been with someone and been truly happy, but we are talking about the last five years, remember.

Now, I can see how people get themselves into emotional messes. End up strung up in love with the wrong dude and don't know how to get out of it. Now I see how people make love mistakes. You'd meet a girl, professional, educated, good head on her shoulders and most of all, independent. She really does not need a man. Then, why is she with some no good loser of a dude. Now I see. I can't judge them anymore. Because it is quite easy. Something in their swagger, their being, the fact that they are after all male and also the lack thereof that keeps us hooked. He could be broke out of his mind, lazy, have one too many baby mamas, he could be the epitome of everything that's wrong but we would still want him or want a part of him.

I am starting to like my friend. I can do without sleeping with him but I would want him to be my friend. My sense of friendship is very tasking. I hold friendships to the highest standards and not many people meet those standards. I want my friend to appreciate our friendship. I don't want him to show up and disappear like the others. I like him too much for that. I just started liking him. I want him to respect our friendship, cherish our friendship, and respect me. I am starting to get used to him. To making fond of him, laughing at him and talking to him. I think of our conversations and I laugh, those are the things that make me happy. Our conversations. Is it still a friendship when you laugh and reminisce fondly on the conversations? I don't know. That's how people get into messes, emotional messes and then they wonder, what happened? Where was I when my heart fell into this? I just don't understand this. I wish I could but I don't. Two Fridays ago, he called me about 10 times. But yet, he is in love with his girlfriend. How do people get into these messes? Now, I know. Bit by bit, one friendly call after another. No doubt I could use someone to take care of the manly things around my life, my house. Yes, I won't lie. I am tired of going it alone. This is something I need at this point. That's all these women need and we pick the first available beat up guy that fits the bill. But this is not me. It is the stickiest situation yet and I would hate my heart to have to drag me into it.

So I think back on the times when I was happy, without emotional baggage, dealing with my lonesome self and loving it. I think back to those times and I miss it.