Memorial Day Weekend 2011

I tried to liven things up by going out this weekend to get over my emotional roller coaster. It was a hit and miss holiday weekend of sorts. I knew it would be somewhat, as I searched effortlessly for things to do before I left work on Friday. Only one thing showed up - Jazz at Piedmont Park followed by cocktails at Park Tavern -  and these are the pictures from the event on Saturday night. I wish I could say the rest of the weekend was A-Okay, but sadly it wasn't. The Saturday event was the highlight and the weekend slowly ebbed away. That being the case, I sadly lost the battle and made the dreaded "call" to the Ex- things you shouldn't do when you're bored. 

Crowd of jazz lovers at Piedmont Park

Anita and a friend

Atlanta Skyline from Piedmont Park

Jazz Band

Anita and Coco.

Anita and Coco. It takes 2 pictures to capture this much awesome

Ice and Coco

Coco's derriere! You're Welcome

Pictures from Ice T and Coco's appearance in Atlanta at the Launch of the Original Gangsta. Coco was very gracious as some guy fooled around with my camera trying to get the flash to work. She never complained at all, even ready to pose for more photographs. I thought that was super nice of her. Of course, it would not be a Coco appearance without a picture of her derriere. I had to go there. It makes you want to go home and do squats all day.

The Puzzle continues

I keep waiting for the explanation.

I keep checking my horoscope, tarot card readings, praying fervently to the holy spirit for anything that can reveal to me a reason, an explanation for the complete and utter aboutface I've received from Trouble. When I call him when he does answer, we argue, he says mean things, and I am just puzzled, completely baffled by it all. I keep referring to my life before the puzzle and after the puzzle, i.e., pre-madness and post-madness. When I was happy and when I was not filled with confusion. It's like this train wreck. I keep waiting for the curtain to open, slightly even, for the Tarot cards, the heavens to tell me, the curtain will open at this time or this is why it happened. Just something that will explain this mind boggling dilemma. It's the riddle of it all that's so shocking, hurtful, crazy to me. Nothing else. I could live with us fighting and then eventually going our separate ways but this complete aboutface, it's like Satan came down and has refused to leave. I know, move on seems about appropriate at this time, yeah, I can, but can we solve this riddle?

Single Ladies Launch Party at Jeffrey's

You know the best type of events? The events that really don't have any huge expectations but end up knocking you off your feet. The VH1 show Single Ladies held its launch party at Jeffrey's in Phipps Plaza on Saturday, May 21st (doomsday to some). 

I did my usual evening window shopping stint through the mall on Wednesday and passed by the huge sign, tagged Champagne Shopping event. Two words every lady loves to hear. Champagne. Shopping. On a Saturday evening! Oh my gosh, how can I contain myself. I invited my girlfriend to come along and she agreed mainly for the opportunity to meet Lisa Raye, going as far as calling the store to confirm. Me, just so I could window shop but this time with alcohol. 

If you don't know Jeffrey's know this, their window displays are always superb. They make you wish upon a lucky star for the day when you can afford to dress like that and more. It's my day dream window. On some nights, especially Sunday nights, with the long week ahead of me, I stroll through the mall and stare at certain window displays while I commiserate with my thoughts. Some windows are just okay. Nothing to sneeze over, but Jeffrey's, superb. Always Fabulous! 

LisaRaye

LisaRaye 

So back to the event. It was so cool (excuse me while I use a lame word to describe a well-planned social event). From the professional greeting upon entry to the servers, to the hors d'oeuvres, to the very fashionable crowd, to the free flowing champagne which they kept flowing all evening, to the grande entrance of our lady of honor, Lisa Raye, who had no airs about her, stopping to take pictures and videos with everyone who stood by her. I did not see her with any "people" to deter her from the adoring fans, my friend inclusive. She was just gracious and charming. Made me a fan. And if I only had VH1, I would watch the premiere of her show on May 30th. Here's hoping the show is as good as the event. 

This wasn't a Me, solo event but it was a darn good one. 

I keep hitting my head against this wall

I feel like I keep hitting my head against this wall, both personally and professionally and it still doesn't seem to be yielding anything. It's like the brick wall is causing me to bleed profusely but I just love hitting my had against it.

Some days I am fine. I think, fuck it. Let me leave with a little dignity and get back to being me. Fuck it if he doesn't want to call. I am not calling him either. And then some days, something happens, I experience this overwhelming need to call him...maybe I feel the need to talk to someone, look for comfort, something. I can just feel myself slipping away and yielding to temptation and dialing that number that I've tagged, Please Do Not Call. And when I do call, the discussion starts off fine and slowly gets heated. For no utter reason. I say the slightest thing and he gets ticked by it. I just keep asking myself, why do I let him talk to me like that, why is he even talking to me like this? We never used to have these kinds of arguments, we actually used to have fun, laugh hysterically about nothing in particular. It's like this ugly black wind came down and descended on him and has been unable to depart ever since. It's just ugly. It gets really humiliating and it causes me to cry and feel like running away from myself. I would take us fighting about anything else, him doing something to me and I am mad, but I just cannot understand how I don't noticeably do anything but yet we are arguing, he is yelling, calling me drama-filled, difficult, need to keep my distance. Ugly black wind go away, I am praying you go away. I just don't want it to end like this. I know/knew it would end but I didn't think it would end with it getting ugly. It's just saddening. It's a sadness that I cannot seem to shake, no matter how I drink, party, dance, everything. I just can't seem to shake that gut-wrenching sadness.

So that's it and that's all. I have officially become someone people keep their distance from...for no utter reason.

What do you do when you have man problems? Call up your man friends and hug it out! Yea-ah you call your mother as well but the man friends definitely, because they call you so you can call them. You also schedule that day under the sun because the sun makes everything a- ok. Times like this I miss having a beach but that’s a different story. So did he win...yeah, only in Atlanta does the man win...Will I win next time...I hope so even if I don't I hope I enjoy myself while I'm involved, this one, not so much.

Affairs are supposed to be wickedly fun, sinfully fun, intense, very intense, because I don’t do mild very well, I don’t even do pretend mild. Why do a mild affair when I've been single for so long? So intensely passionate stuff, be it 2 weeks, one month, 3 months, but I just want to know that I have fun for an intensely wicked period and for a while there I thought we were having fun.. But I guess not.

I just can’t stop my head from thinking. Thinking while I was in it of all the lies he must have been telling me and why am I putting myself through those lies. Dishonesty just irks me. Now, that I am not in it, I keep thinking of the few laughs we had, of the few chuckles that he brought me, of the few times when he caved in and showed how much he cared, of the times when I felt good and thought I hope no one takes my joy away.

Alas, they always win.

It's OVER!

I captioned this like one of those tabloid headlines when a celebrity couple breaks up.

It sounds funny but it's not. Last week, I fell while cleaning my bathroom. I just felt this pith in my stomach that this might be the precursor of some bad things to come. But, Trouble told me not to put that into the atmosphere just so I don't put fire to the omen.

Then, the weekend happened and my whole world went to bits. We had a heated discussion yesterday about so many things. How I think this is a relationship and it's not. How it's not a relationship and I'm already stressing him out. How if I am so unhappy why do I still want to continue (but I didn't, remember, but he kept coming back) How I'm emotionally needy. That's a new one, never heard myself referred to as that. How I should not come to expect his calls at all, despite the fact that he calls me 5 times a day (I don't know how it's okay for you to call me 5 times but if I call you once, it's bad). Then, his voice got terse and raised and so fucking rude, like I was talking to a stranger. Then, he wanted to get off the phone. Then, get this, I asked him to give me more time to plead my case, so to speak (yes, this was pathetic, I'm not so proud of this either). Then, I asked if he still wanted to see me. Then, he said, he couldn't give me an answer just yet. Then, he said, he feels we should put some distance between us. Then, I said, we should start over and act like none of this ever happened and just start on a clean slate. Then, we started arguing about a lot more, about how I came to see him at work without calling, how I send him texts that put him under the bus, how I did this and did that, etc. Then, he hung up.

Then, I just started to cry. I guess asking to be exclusive was a bit too soon then. He just sounded like a whole different person. I don't know what happened. Like I was talking to a stranger, not the same person I knew, that I used to laugh and joke with, that I used to look into his eyes and kiss so tenderly. It was just cold. It felt like a knife through my chest. I never for once saw an inkling of this side of him. Not once. It just boggles my mind even 24 hours later, I am still stunned.

So there's nothing to report. Except to say it's over like everyone predicted.

I feel like some things are partially my fault. Like:

1) The texts. I shouldn't have sent those texts. Bad, emotional Anita.

2) I shouldn't have nagged about the other women. I really shouldn't have given a fuck to be honest.

3) I shouldn't have nagged. Period. But how do you differentiate what constitutes a "nag" from a basic question.

4) I shouldn't have changed myself for him. My hair, my home, my plans. I should have just been me. These are the Be Me Chronicles after all.  

5) I should have put some distance between us when I first thought of it. Not picked up each and every one of his phone calls. That was just so stupid of me.

6) I shouldn't have stopped seeing the other guys for him.

7) Finally and most importantly, I should have kept all the details to myself. Not told a soul, not even my journal.

If I ever get a second chance, a redux of sorts, I'll keep to this list religiously. Maybe that's why I begged for a second chance, because I wanted to win. And if I had played the cards on this list I would have. I probably would have.

May Day

I always feel apprehensive when a new month or New Year starts. But the new month occurs more often than the New Year. But I always feel apprehensive. I think, "Will this bring the solution, the cure to my unending loneliness?" Or will it hold more unanswered questions, more uncertainty, more anxiety? Who knows with these things, only God. 

I somewhat said goodbye to my friend, Trouble, yesterday. I woke up with a vision I never thought I was deserving of. I woke up and he was in the kitchen making breakfast. I never thought I'd see that day. I never thought I'd see many things that I've gotten to see with him but I have. But I don't want those visions to just be accomplished with just anybody I want them to be mine, the beginning of a "relationship" not a fling, not something he possibly shares with several other people so they possibly don't mean as much to him as they mean to me. I want them to be "ours." I told him I wanted to take myself out of the rotation. I asked, "So how many of us are in rotation right now?" And there was no comment. So in the evening after careful thought in between a lot of drinking, I told him, I think we should stop sleeping together. He said, "I will respect your wishes." I said, "I want to take myself out of the rotation, because I don't put him on a rotation so I don't want to be part of his rotation." After that, he said, I was stressing him out, nagging him, being paranoid, yada, yada, yada, and then the phone call ended. Odds are I won't hear from him again. And even if I do it would have to be me doing the calling not him. It would be like when we first met and I rejected his offer to sleep with me. He went silent. 

I keep thinking I made the right decision, right? Or was it too soon to ask to be exclusive?  How long do you have to be sleeping together to make that demand? I mean, it's been two months. I don't know...I don't care. I just want to respect myself, treat myself with as much respect as I feel as if I deserve and if this be my way of getting it, hopefully I can stick to it. I woke up today feeling light, as if I said something that I've wanted to say all month. And hopefully all the anxiety I experienced last month will FINALLY stop. Hopefully. 

Launch of Do (dough) at the View

Was fortunate enough to attend the launch of Do (dough) at the View on Saturday. Fortunate being used loosely here because it exceeded my expectations. Well, there were more people than anticipated, well dressed black people (which is not often a good thing), celebrities in the like of Frank Ski making speeches and all, plus my personal favorite...free booze. 

I would like to say I had fun but it was only just. Events like these are not good solo adventures because they turn out to be so stuffy. The invite on Yelp was not as enthusiastic as the event turned out to be. Only 5 people RSVP'd to the event, then, there was no mention of a dress code or red carpet entrance, most importantly, it gave us a different start time than was initially planned. By the time I got there the celebrities and their friends had finished all the free food samples they passed around. We were thus left to the T-shirts and (my personal favorite) free booze. This last part saved the evening. Only just!

I must also mention two other extreme highlights - the use of iPads by the servers and an iPad in the restroom just so Photobooth can capture you in your private moment. Classy stuff!