It's OVER!

I captioned this like one of those tabloid headlines when a celebrity couple breaks up.

It sounds funny but it's not. Last week, I fell while cleaning my bathroom. I just felt this pith in my stomach that this might be the precursor of some bad things to come. But, Trouble told me not to put that into the atmosphere just so I don't put fire to the omen.

Then, the weekend happened and my whole world went to bits. We had a heated discussion yesterday about so many things. How I think this is a relationship and it's not. How it's not a relationship and I'm already stressing him out. How if I am so unhappy why do I still want to continue (but I didn't, remember, but he kept coming back) How I'm emotionally needy. That's a new one, never heard myself referred to as that. How I should not come to expect his calls at all, despite the fact that he calls me 5 times a day (I don't know how it's okay for you to call me 5 times but if I call you once, it's bad). Then, his voice got terse and raised and so fucking rude, like I was talking to a stranger. Then, he wanted to get off the phone. Then, get this, I asked him to give me more time to plead my case, so to speak (yes, this was pathetic, I'm not so proud of this either). Then, I asked if he still wanted to see me. Then, he said, he couldn't give me an answer just yet. Then, he said, he feels we should put some distance between us. Then, I said, we should start over and act like none of this ever happened and just start on a clean slate. Then, we started arguing about a lot more, about how I came to see him at work without calling, how I send him texts that put him under the bus, how I did this and did that, etc. Then, he hung up.

Then, I just started to cry. I guess asking to be exclusive was a bit too soon then. He just sounded like a whole different person. I don't know what happened. Like I was talking to a stranger, not the same person I knew, that I used to laugh and joke with, that I used to look into his eyes and kiss so tenderly. It was just cold. It felt like a knife through my chest. I never for once saw an inkling of this side of him. Not once. It just boggles my mind even 24 hours later, I am still stunned.

So there's nothing to report. Except to say it's over like everyone predicted.

I feel like some things are partially my fault. Like:

1) The texts. I shouldn't have sent those texts. Bad, emotional Anita.

2) I shouldn't have nagged about the other women. I really shouldn't have given a fuck to be honest.

3) I shouldn't have nagged. Period. But how do you differentiate what constitutes a "nag" from a basic question.

4) I shouldn't have changed myself for him. My hair, my home, my plans. I should have just been me. These are the Be Me Chronicles after all.  

5) I should have put some distance between us when I first thought of it. Not picked up each and every one of his phone calls. That was just so stupid of me.

6) I shouldn't have stopped seeing the other guys for him.

7) Finally and most importantly, I should have kept all the details to myself. Not told a soul, not even my journal.

If I ever get a second chance, a redux of sorts, I'll keep to this list religiously. Maybe that's why I begged for a second chance, because I wanted to win. And if I had played the cards on this list I would have. I probably would have.