I keep hitting my head against this wall

I feel like I keep hitting my head against this wall, both personally and professionally and it still doesn't seem to be yielding anything. It's like the brick wall is causing me to bleed profusely but I just love hitting my had against it.

Some days I am fine. I think, fuck it. Let me leave with a little dignity and get back to being me. Fuck it if he doesn't want to call. I am not calling him either. And then some days, something happens, I experience this overwhelming need to call him...maybe I feel the need to talk to someone, look for comfort, something. I can just feel myself slipping away and yielding to temptation and dialing that number that I've tagged, Please Do Not Call. And when I do call, the discussion starts off fine and slowly gets heated. For no utter reason. I say the slightest thing and he gets ticked by it. I just keep asking myself, why do I let him talk to me like that, why is he even talking to me like this? We never used to have these kinds of arguments, we actually used to have fun, laugh hysterically about nothing in particular. It's like this ugly black wind came down and descended on him and has been unable to depart ever since. It's just ugly. It gets really humiliating and it causes me to cry and feel like running away from myself. I would take us fighting about anything else, him doing something to me and I am mad, but I just cannot understand how I don't noticeably do anything but yet we are arguing, he is yelling, calling me drama-filled, difficult, need to keep my distance. Ugly black wind go away, I am praying you go away. I just don't want it to end like this. I know/knew it would end but I didn't think it would end with it getting ugly. It's just saddening. It's a sadness that I cannot seem to shake, no matter how I drink, party, dance, everything. I just can't seem to shake that gut-wrenching sadness.

So that's it and that's all. I have officially become someone people keep their distance from...for no utter reason.