Promises You'll Never Keep...

Feel the need to do a repeat of my own words today.

I find that I promise myself to do or not do certain things but I still fail to keep them. Promises to yourself should be the utmost promises. But not for me, I just seem to fall into them. So I'm going to try this, and hope it works.

From this day, November 30th, 2015 I promise myself the following:

1. Not to discuss my personal relationships with anyone. Friends, family, no one. 
2. Not send any profound texts, or emails, or wordy notes to anyone. 
3. Not to be wordy. Monosyllable is the name of the game. 
4. Not to respond or answer every text, call, Whatsapp or BBM. 
5. Not to show people that I'm angry or hurt. 
6. Not to text anyone first thing in the morning, or on a Sunday. PRAY FIRST. 
7. When someone infuriates me. Treat them as if they don't exist. With each word, smile and keep silent. The silence will confuse them.

I promised myself these same things October 2014. I never got around to keeping them. So here we are again, November 2015. 

The weird thing is that I know what I need to do. I am just afraid to do it. I wouldn't say the word is "afraid" it's I don't know if it's possible. I would rather have the opposite. Or maybe possible is not the right word either. It's more of it's beyond me. I cannot do it. I have tried and it doesn't work. The alternative doesn't work and the present doesn't work. So if neither of them work then what gives? Why has this subsisted for 18 months? I keep wondering so what did I do to deserve this...

Am incapable of resetting. Incapable of stopping even though it is the best thing to do. Incapable of understanding that this person does not want to be with me, not now, not ever. Incapable of understanding why even though it is so, we still find each other wrestling. Incapable of keeping my emotions in check. I'm just incapable of being an adult. Be economical with your emotional investments in an uncommitted relationship and keep your options open. A wise person once told me that...why can't I be that wise, and grown?

In addition to these 7, I promise these two:

1. To forgive and pray to forget.
2. To try to give the impossible a chance.

Live it day by day. 

A Hobby A Day...

When I returned from my quick jaunt to Europe for academic purposes, I found my Nigerians just as I left them. 

After being surrounded by an European community that embraces cycling as their preferred mode of transportation even with their inclement weather (July, August had highs in the 50's) with gas stations reasonably empty while tram stations stay packed, standing room only at rush hour, I returned to my car-less situation in Lagos. As soon as my girlfriend had to give me a quick lift to run an errand she started berating my car-less situation. The image of all the Den Haag bicycles quickly flashed through my mind's eye and I shook my head, "Some folks have just been in Lagos too long." I muttered. They think this is how you live life, enslaved to your gas guzzling vehicle.

Later that evening some friends asked me to join them for a "welcome back" drink at our local watering hole by the Lagoon. After trying and failing woefully to elicit details of my trip, I remarked simply, "It felt good to be in a place where I didn't feel like I needed to compete, or be someone else, that is, someone who has a car. A flashy gas guzzling car." They smiled and acknowledged my statement. I went on. "It also felt good to have hobbies, something to do."

Then, they all exclaimed that they have hobbies. I asked further, so what new hobbies have you acquired since we last spoke. They mentioned a new watering hole they recently discovered, this one sans Lagoon view but complete with live band. I said: "But I bet it's the same damn thing. Same group of guys getting together to talk about work, money, their sexual exploits, while drowning their sorrows with Orijin bitters and cigarettes, serenaded by highlife music coming from the live band."

They paused.

"Well, it's not just men. Some women come too." This was their response. This is their hobby.

This leaves me to ask: Africa - What are our hobbies? 

Be Happy, Be Sad, Be You

Being single has its perks. What's not to love? You got You all to yourself. Solo decision maker, lover, friend, confidante and soulmate to your self. You. All you. You're fabulous and you're single. Boom!

Underneath those devilishly awesome you moments, are those moments when you just want to yell: "STOP. I don't want to be single anymore." I think I have reached one of those valleys, one too many times. The valleys come and go. However, my life is filled with fulfilling highs when I am overwhelmed with myself and my goodness that I don't really need that male psycho babble drama. I am Anita, Sheba of her own forest zone, ready to break down all the little cubs. I see couples fight and squabble and I just smirk, wondering how lucky I am that I don't have to deal with all that. How can I? I am Anita...Queen Sheba of her own Amazon. So quickly in between my Sheba moments that I own, the valley creeps in and I succumb. My soft self just wants to scream, FIND ME A MAN. I want to plan my weekends with someone, make someone happy, or mad, wake up and look at someone's annoying face, let my decisions (momentarily) revolve around someone else. There are those salient moments. But then I power through it. And relish the moments when I can be fat and not have someone else be judgmental, I can be "ugly" and not feel like in those "ugly" moments I am disappointing someone. I can be sad and not have someone make me think I cannot have this moment to sulk. You can have all those self-fulfilled and self aware moments too. You can own your "Queen (or King) of Sheba Amazon" too.

Carrie said something magical in Sex and The City's momentous series finale, she said: 

One of the most important relationships one ever has in life, is their relationship with themselves. 

I believe in that so much. I believe it is the most faithful and endearing relationships one is privileged to have and one that is too easily pushed to the side by a glimpse of love or an idea of a union. Something that women (most especially) sacrifice so easily, something that should be at the core of our being. In some contexts I think it makes me the most selfish person on this earth, the fact that I cannot sacrifice my personal wants, and needs for the sake of a union, and some ways it means, that I hold that personal grip on my heart so tightly so as to lessen the number of times I get to stare at a grieving lover and think of that as the image of myself...once upon a time. That's what gets me over those lull moments. My freedom. The fullness in what I have become and the endearing relationship I have with myself.

The Mysterious Case of the Ex

It's all coming back to me now...

Are you familiar with this Celine Dion song?

Today a naughty thought came to my head. I will recount it just as it played out. In my head.

You know how you date someone and then, circumstances that you may not immediately recall case you to break up. But then you run into them eons, I mean tons of months later and they are looking good. So fine. Probably even better than you remember them looking back in the day. You get to chatting and initially, conversation is flowing fast and as freely as the wine. You find yourself tossing your hair back, doing that shoulder lean, tucking in your tummy...summoning your six-pack, trying to stay cute, you know? You start to ask: Oh why did I let this one get away?

Then, they say or do something and another thing and then another. It's like a barrage of wrong statements, judgments, insinuating remarks, criticisms, idiotic stuff from them enveloping you. They all hit you like a blow to the chest.

"...it was gone long ago, but it's all coming back to me. I can barely recall but...it's all coming back to me now."

It all makes sense now. THIS IS WHY WE BROKE UP.

You ask for the check, drain your glass, feel it burn your insides, mumble some excuse about a sick cat, and jet out of there. On the drive home, you realize, it was all a grand plan. God was saving you from something when it didn't work out, and only He knew that. You softly whisper, "Thank you God for saving me from that hot mess!" Never fear when something you so earnestly wanted to work out ends in time, for there is a reason. The reason may not be apparent to you but it will surface in time. It works both ways too. He may be searching for something that you do not have and vice versa, and inasmuch as you both seem to have the right chemistry in every which way, that search is what sustains the interest and if it is not in you, it rarely ever just shows up.

Is this the same result for your "Case of the Ex?" Is it a good riddance to your ex, or, I totally made a mistake making you an ex?

I would like to know...