Ten Random things I don't think you should really know about me, but here it goes:

1) My middle name is Ngozi which actually means blessing. I think that explains a lot, my mum thought I was a blessing to her when I was born and I am always constantly waiting on one.

2) I fell in love with Keanu when I was about 10 and he must have been 20. I had just seen him in Parenthood with Steve Martin. I forget the name. I thought he looked dorky and cool and had the softest eyes, and I loved that voice. It was different. And so that began the long years of wanting and lusting after a man that does not know me.

3) I have an undergraduate degree in Law and I graduated from Law School with honors 2 and half years ago, thus spending a total of 6 years of my life in school, yet I do not have a decent job. That explains why college is soo essential kids.

4) When I was 19 I wanted to write and publish a book by my 21st birthday that wasto be a collection of my poetry. It has never happened.

5) I have more male friends than I have female friends. I find that women suffer from an incorrigible lack of trust in everyone, not only for their partners (husbands, spouses or whatever) but for their girlfriends as well. The last best friend I had acused me of sleeping (or wanting to sleep) with her boyfriend...who happened to be married. Go figure! The lack of trust on her part showed she wasn't really my friend.

6) I hate talking on the phone, hence I cannot conduct a long distance relationship. I would so easily run out of things to say, besides I love to see the expression on people's faces when they tell stories.

7) Which would explain why I want to work in Hollywood. I want to be a professional moviemaker, write, direct and produce my own movies. This should explain my fascination with all things Hollywood, their way of life, their movies, their attitude (or lack of it) THEM.

8) I can only get attracted to someone when it starts from the physical. I have to be physically attracted to the person before anything else develops. Call me shallow but it's just me. So all the men I've dated have been pretty boys--some not so smart and some so very cruel---they've all been very good-looking.

9) The love of my life is a certain guy named Sola. I fell in love with him in Law School. He had an interesting British accent that pronounced my name so sensuously that I used to pray that some day he would fall in love with me at least half as much as I was in love with him. It never worked out.

10) I have an aunty who was a professional singer, and I once danced and performed at her shows. Once, when I was 7, I actually got a standing ovation and dinner at the Governor's house. That was one of the best memories of my youth.

I forgot to mention that last week I started and finished this one book called Homme Fatale by Paul Mayersberg which I bought during our trip to Helen, Ga at a dollar store for $3. It was soo good I was moved to start it and end it in almost the same breath. This is unlike me, you know I don't easily finish what I start...ahem... speaking quite frankly, every week, it's a new mission, a new dream, a new ambition, a new crush, a new place I want to be, live in, be a part of. So the start and finish of a book in the same breath was a huge accomplishment for me.

To top it off, I also got to finish This Time Last Year by Douglas Hobbie which I have been reading for over a year now. It ended unceremoniously and also sadly, the lead character died and his family grappled it very badly but it sewed up wretched seams his life had brought about. While the former was a very steamy love story covering such unspeakable actions as love obsession and raunchy sex. It got me all hot and bothered at some scenes too.

All in all, a milestone in my life has been reached intermittently. I have decided to continue with as many things as I start. follow it thgouh, be as thorough as possible. It helps.

Yes! The last time I was online was on the 9th, AJ's bday which I convieniently forgot because I was wrapped in my own human melodrama.

A lot has happened, nothing of consequence but this remains true, I am awaiting my blessing from GOD (if your a non-christian you can stop paying attention now) and I know it will come, the when and the where is what frustrates me so.

In between that time I saw the AMA's (Oh my goodness, what a predictable show!) People's Choice I gladly missed, and TRL is a foreign word to me, other things I did were...

1) I bought a Keanu calendar so his face, however dauntily handsome it may seem, stares at me with the dates of my life underneath it passing me by.

2) I want to attend a Craig David concert on the 31st, how is the question I am battling with now.

3) I have decided to save up and do some research for my trip and subsequent move to SF. Yes, I really want to move. Ga is suffering the worst recession, worse than other states, why for fucksake am I still here?

4) My other job is in jeopardy and the other one is master-minded by a mean one woman who will soon become our head boss, so I better buckle up for some tough/strict times ahead.

5) I now know I am unable to get a regular job. The interview process just goes above my head, I freeze up and become completely unable to answer or ask any intelligent questions and they see something in me that screams, "do not hire this girl." which is pathetic but I do not despair. Why?

6) I haven't been online in over a week, 2 weeks I think, I am shocked and a tad bit touchy that no one on my FRIENDS list even looked for me. But I shall not make a big deal out of it because we all have our respective problems, but it just makes you think, if I had fallen of the face of the earth without warning, would anyone notice my departure?

7) It is also known in my place of work that I am the appointed BITCH of the workers, and do you know what, I don't give a fuck. Why because they talk shit (otherwise known as gossip) about everybody no one is Miss Niceness there, everyone is talked about, so as long as it's not a Miss Popularity contest and my life is not dangling on winning Miss Congeniality I couldn't give a rats ass what they think of me.

This is my advice to anyone reading this, as long as you do your work, and do it well, it doesn't matter what anyone in the office says about you, or how you are/treat them, it shouldn't bother you.

Now, that I am home (Oh, God I hope not for long) I may update some more.

Two key things are bothering me this year and this is only the second day of the Year. I hope that doesn't mean I shall be faced with bothersome circumstances this year.

1)Yesterday my sister forgot me at the mall.

I say forgot because that was what happened. These are the kind of stories I tell my mum and she begins to flip out like, "she is your sister, you HAVE to look out for her."

I shan't go into details because the details are a little too long, but, put it this way, she had a family engagement, I had to go work, she could have moved her engagement forward just for an extra hour to accomodate me when I got off work so I could hence join them, but she didn't.

Instead I got off work and paced the mall for 5 extra hours until I had to call to remind her that, "Hello, remember me, yes you dropped me off at work this morning, Yes I am still there, and yes, you know I don't have a freaking car so how am I going to get home after work."

As I paced the mall, I just felt os lonely, so alone, like what happened to my social life, what happened to the me that used to attend 4 or 5 New Years parties back to back, what happened to being taken out on a cold New Years to lunch with your boyfriend while you both plan out your New Year together, what happened to that, am I not good enough for it, will I ever be good enough for it?

I chose not to say anything to her when I finally saw her, and I chose not to cry, I promised God that my tears wouldn't fall this New Years. I just bottled it all up inside and took the bitter with the fact. Blood no longer becomes as thick once water has sufficiently diluted it. And that was that.

My best friend put it best when she said: If I were her daughter, hell yeah she would have made time out during the engagement to come pick me up. Which is true, I remember the many days we would go to the movies and race home by 3 o'clock just to catch the school bus. But as I said, I chose not to speak about it, or lament about it. I just made God promise me (His humble child)that He gets me a car to go with my new life this year.


2) I think...this is a bad thought but I do think that the people I work for DO NOT LIKE ME. so I may eventually in the downturn of the slowing pace of work GET FIRED. I have tried to shrug off this horrible horrible thought for the longest time but I am very perceptible to things so I know what goes down even before it does (it comes with years of studying criminology).

Where I work there are only 5 black people there, all the white people talk about me. ALL OF THEM. I have nothing against white people, I just wonder, "Why didn't they ever feel the need to hire more black people there?" Suddenly I am the token black hostess (sort of like in a movie there's always that token black actor for color purposes)Somebody, I don't know who, must be latently racist, and I am suspecting it is my GM. So that's my problem.

I don't know how to change the fact from occuring if it shall indeed occur (GOd forbid that it does) I can only try to kiss ass (which is so hard with white people...wtf do they talk about all the damn time with their definite southern twang) and try to do my work better, which is also hard because my heart isn't in it. I wish it was but it's not.

I feel like I took the wrong bus in life or something and ended up where I should have been 10 years ago, everyone in there, (apart from being white) is at least on average 10 years younger than me. I suspect that one of my managers is my agemate. Yes, and one of them, the cute one, is younger than I am. You know how it is to take orders from someone younger than you. It blows chunks big time


Which brings me to the final thought: the cute one. How do I get him? Butter, if your reading this, any suggestions, you know your good at stuff like this? I hope he's not the one to deliver the bad news when (I forbid so) they decide to fire me, you know that would be a downer?


That's it, a long and relieving entry. I don't feel as good as I normally feel when I offload my angst, I just feel like I am putting down a petition for the ONE above to PLEASE please hear me, and take me away from all this. Please.

A picture of me just because, I feel like it, look how peaceful the waterfall behind me is: