Happy New Year

As a personal tradition on New Years Eve, I watch "About Last night" with Demie Moore and Rob Lowe. It's about this couple who have a one night stand and then, it leads to them moving in together, without knowing why, and then, they go through this tumultous year, through the holidays, including New Years as a first time couple. Thet actually find it hard to stay in on New Years Eve. Because they met in such an unusual circumstance they find it hard to define what they have, is it love, just sex, companionship, and now that they live together, they feel cramped, as if they can't live or enjoy their seperate lives. I like the intense dramatic aspect of it, and at the core of it is a love story.

Something about it just makes me feel good, to be a writer, a woman, and to hopefully be in love like that someday, not knowing why.

"To you, to me, to us, and to a Happy New Year."

end of year entertainment update

Two of the musicians I am glad I grasped onto this year are Gavin DeGraw and Maroon 5.

Most of the time, I am strictly R and B, but the r and b circuit, dominated by big-headed Usher, doesn't seem to be imaginative lately, as in imaginative music, it's just put through the same producers, the same type of sound, no one wants to make music, they want to make hype. And then, I took a chance on an 8.99 CD, of a musician called Gavin DeGraw, and it just kinda took over my CD player in the car. Normally, this type of music is classified under "white people" music. No offense, that's just what it is, even when I listen to it with my friends, they wonder, who are these "white people" musicians you are listening to. I tried and tried not to get into Maroon 5, and it wasn't the first single, Harder to Breathe that was played to death by VH1, under "artists to watch" and it was not the second one, "This Love" that was loved and then hated, once my radio station put it on some kind of constant spin. It was not the sexy video for "She will be Loved". It was the 4th single, "Sunday Morning" and hearing it at the American Music Awards, it was that and the rest is history. I just fell into it. I got their acoustic EP, which rocked, that guy sounds awesome over acoustic guitar, he actually has a lot of soul too (for a white man)and it didn't hurt that he looked so intense, like an intense younger version of Keanu.

I am glad I got into their music. It reminds me of my BSB days, except this time I am a little older and wiser and I know why I appreciate music and what good music is supposed to sound like. Sometimes when I am sad, I think of some part of their music, Gavin says, "there's a meaning to the word, we are giving love," or Adam says, "Things just gets so crazy, Living life gets hard to do," and I think, you know what, it's gonna be alright, cos I am not the only one feeling this way.

There are also a few movies that I am glad I caught:

Closer, Spiderman 2, (yes, I know) House of Sand and Fog, 21 Grams, Dogville, The Barbarian Invasion, L'Auberge Espaniole, and some more. But sometimes, there's a bandwagon and you have to ask yourself why it is, if you look closely, it's because it's because something is undeniably good.

what is wrong?

I remember now, what I wanted to write about when I logged on last night. Sometimes, when I am quiet for even a second, I go into this mood, where I feel like crying, for no good reason at all. I just go from high to low, to deep in the gutter and I want to just start bawling. I have been shopping for myself more lately, I don't know why I feel retail therapy will help me, when my outstanding credit card debt is one of my looming problems. However, I was looking forward to hitting the stores after work last night, to get a feel of the after-Xmas sales. Truly, I couldn't think of anything else all day. It was like an event in my life. (So sad!) I did go to the mall, even though it ended up being very disappointing, the sales were really not that good, and my mood was made worse because they took a great share of my evening and didn't give it any good deals in return. I come home, hungry and rummaging through my freezer, I just sto in between and have this sudden urge to just bawl out. Why?

I was thinking of what my ideal career might be. One that came to mind is to write for TV. I wrote for a radio series about 4 years ago, and the training I obtained from that experience I inculcated into my Shelia series, and it remains one of the best jobs I have ever had. However, it would be nice to write for a TV show. It doesn't have to be something complex like CSI, or Alias, even though I know I could still kill in those ones; no comedy, I just do not have that many jokes stored in my brain. It could be some lame brain show, we don't know where exactly it is going show, like Las Vegas or Crossing Jordan, or even Sex and the City. Something that deals with people's lives, living it, achieving it, more realistic, and not so preachy, and cookie-cutter, as in make everyone beautiful, and live in a fancy apartment so much that the average Joe cannot relate. Even in my writing now, I mostly concentrate on dialigue, with little or no description of my envornment, etc, because I am not a novelist, I write screenplays.

I know in this kind of vocation you stand the risk of your show being canceled, but I am sure when it is canceled, you break out the drawing board and try, try so hard to think up some other original idea. I think I can really deal with that. It wouldn't have limited hours, it would be work at my leisture, or at the whim of my inspiration. I wouldn't have to answer to some lame-brained attorneys (geez, that would be a relief) and I would have some kind of control of my self, my hours, focus solely on my creativity. Till this day, whenever I long for this kind of job, I wonder why I bothered becoming a lawyer. I wanted to seem interesting, serious and professional. It sucks and any lame brain person with the right amount of training can do what I do now. I don't want that. It is a meaningless job.

when all is said and done

It is such a sad thing, going into Christmas and coming out of it so soon. I miss the holidays, the sights and sounds, having to hear Xmas music non-stop on the radio, the beauty of it, the joy and the anticpation of it. And when it is all said and done, it is just one day, 24 hours that are so eagerly awaited all through the year, tehy make us seem so happy and so sad when we leave it.

Nothing exceptional happened in mine, like it were supposed to. I had fun, and that was that. not crazy, I am really having fun today kinda fum, just, fun, as in this is a good way to spend the day kinda fun. I always wish for more, and never really get it. I got one card, and three presents. Which seems rather sad when you add up the numbers, but I've well surpassed my gift to myself, so it's fine.

I have to go, we'll talk later, promise.

well, another rewrite

Well, yet another rewrite on this unforgettable story. I don't know why I feel the need to do this at this time of year. My whole life is crashing, my books are going to arrive late in the New Year, even though I promised I would start reading on the 2nd of January. Work is work, so much crazy stupidity that I have devised the attitude that I will not make myself too comfortable in there. I don't have any single personal effect whatsoever, apart from my Stevie Wonder CD and that's it.

With any luck, I shall be wrapping my presents tonight, and buying the very last one tomorrow morning or tonight, depends on my mood.

How is my life these days? You can tell it's hazy when I keep obsessing about a darn story, as if some publisher is going to pass by my site, and say, good job, Anita. Fuck!

It is the season to be jolly, not sarcastic.

No where near it

I had this strange urge to write over the weekend, after listening to Adam Levine non-stop for two weeks, I felt inspired by his voice, his music, and his talent, and I wondered why I didn't jump on this bandwagon all this time, and also the freakish way he reminds me of a slash between Keanu and someone I am sure I have dated. I am still trying to figure out who. It was hard to pick up and write since I have to start being scholarly now with myself. So I have to stifle my creativity just when I have finally found my spark, after all these months. And it was Adam that regenerated that. Something about that voice though, reminds you of something you've heard before and didn't really mind the first time around, like a cross between Stevie Wonder and Sting. Hmmm...this post is not about him, I promise.

Back to me:

So I wrote this story, which reads like all of my other stories. Deep, full of somber conversations about love, life, unrequited love, sappy love shit, nothing particularly new. I feel like inviting someone to read it so they can critique it for me, point out a few things I might have missed. I did the first rewrite yesterday, tempted to do the second one tonight, but I just will not. Let's just stop it there. The first draft works fine, until you tailor it too much and it reads like a manufactured story, like all those Hollywood scripts that have been through so many rewrites and out comes the slurge.

I like it a little, and thats all that matters. It doesn't do Adam justice, he is such a fresh faced young man, but I'll wait for some fresh thought to come to me.

she needs to be loved, more like it

In other unrelated news, I have been feeling an urge to have sex. Not really sex per se, but making love.The Maroon 5 songs started this whole thing. Adam Levine the sordid guy that he is, or as he terms it, the "sexual dude" that he is, has so many sexual lyrics, they are not lewd lyrics like I wanna bump and grind you, they are more of the nature of: I wanna trace your body with my fingertips, keep you coming every night, serving sex with coffee, etc, type of lyrics, (if you are a fan you'll know what I am talking about) And it is made worse because he looks like someone I used to date, has all the qualities of men that I like to date, and have dated, (in another lifetime when I was a woman and worthy of being loved) and I am just so god-awful lonely right now.

To run away for a week and have copious amounts of sex would be a blast right now, a real blast. But is that going to happen, nope. nowhere near it. It is such a bad itch that I do not feel the need to jerk off. It is not that kind of, rough, spank me naked itch, just a sweet longing to be a part of something sweet and whole.I digress, I have other things to do except think about sex I won't have especially at Christmas.

rejection, aye!

It was a fruitless stupid weekend.

I got another rejection letter over the weekend. And this one, inasmuch as I was somewhat expecting and hoping not to get it, it just shattered me in ways you cannot comprehend. For one, I had just researched this law firm, just researched it in searching for courses for my LLM. And then, when I got the interview for it, I thought, stupidly and hopefully, that this was a sublime message from God, trying to give me what I had asked for. No, It was not, not suprising, right? Instead it was His way of punishing me yet again, emotionally and ruining my psyche, as in you can taste but you cannot touch, you are not good enough, there is some other perky, dumbass paralegal who He feels is more deserving of this job than my self. I don't know, why do I even bother, seriously. Why do I bother believing in faith, and signs, and hardwork pays, and strength and integrity in what you do, why do I bother?

I just felt hopeless and helpless all weekend. I haven't prayed ever since. This is not the most disappointing thing God has lead me through, but it is one of most devastating, mainly because, I thought we, as in me and Him were done wtih all that "test of Anita's fate" thing. He knows more than anyone else in this world how much I want this "career" thing to succeed. I don't know know why I grew up thinking I was special, I was destined to achieve great things, I was a little better and smarter than anyone else, and now, that I am supposed to achieve the "great and wondrous" things in my life, nothing seems to be. Even the mediocre life with husband and kids is a luxury for me.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. I spent all weekend, thinking, talking and just commiserating on this, and with each time, tears welled up in my eyes, and I became more and more distraught. I don't want to continue feeling that way, so hopefully I shall retrace into a state of denial and pretend that it didn't happen to me, that it happened to some other person, some other Anita, or an abbreviation of her. And maybe, the pain will seem misplaced and lost on someone else.

It just hurts you know, to always fail. To know that God is setting you up to fail, that no matter how hard you work, and pray and hope and just have faith, that the end result is predetermined to be failure. I can count how many times I have won an interview, but I cannot count how many interviews I have attended.

It's a predetermined negativity that becomes overwhelming

Take a chance you stupid HO

You know how you attend an interview with a supposed Fortune 500 company, top-notch, top rated firm and they neglect to inform you that you didn't get the job, leave you dangling for weeks and weeks and somehow you just guess (because comon, it doesn't take that long to make a decision) that you didn't get the job, when they could have just had the decency to send you a letter "rejecting" you, its just an itch I wish I could make a Michael Moore type of documentary on.

This is the third time it has happened to me. In between I feel like calling up there and just cursing out anyone, the multitude of people in their HR department, to say, the least you could do, Oh Fortunate ones that work in this supposedly prestigious firm, the least you all could do was let me know. I left my current job, put my job in jeopardy, drove through traffic, paid for my parking, and expended my gas and energy, (and built up false hope, but that's a whole other story) and the least you could do was write me and say, Hey, it didn't work out, Shit happens. Not just totally ignore me. The lack of etiquette is unprofessional and misplaced, and it just shows that you don't deserve any of the clout you've been given.

I wonder who pitches stories for documentaries, because, this is a good one. Cut to me angry, banging on the door of a HR department, the black and white frame shows the staff frazzled wondering, who is this girl?

I am not upset, just a little disappointed, maybe I am not blonde and perky with a cute disarming smile and a humble spirit, maybe I look like the most annoying, unserious employee you will ever have, but I somehow get the job done. I really do.

The 14 people you hate the most

Last night, in the news they mentioned that a kid in high school had been caught with a death list, filled with the 14 people he would like to kill. He would like to, but I think they were more roused because most of these high school kids have a funny way of bringing such death lists to fruition. I mean, we all have them, that fantasy that if I could kill someone right now, It would be this person, or this person, but then, your anger cools and the feeling just dissipates into the atmosphere along with it. I went to bed last night thinking, "14 people? Men, that must have been one angry teenager." I do not think I have up to 14 people at a time I would like to off in this world. It is just crazy. One or two, would have been just about average, mainly bosses and supervisors fall into that list for almost everyone I know, but 14 whole people. Geez!

If I had anyone to put on that list right now, it would be me. Yes, me. And this is not a suicide note it is just me being frank. Me for having believed that I can make this life work. Me for being such a fuck up. The only fuck up who would screw up 3 interviews with 3 of the biggest law firms in Atlanta in the same year. Me for disappointing that other side of me who wants this so badly she can taste it, and the me that comes in and just ruins it for everybody. God gives me a chance, a slight chance to prove myself when these people actually invite me for these interviews. And I can only guess that invitation is God sent. I spend all night studying for it like it is an exam but I get there and I fuck it all up. Just bullshit just flows out of my mouth. Needless to say, I am a better writer than I am a speaker. All the things I put down here that seem somewhat coherent and a dash entertaining, are not really that way in real life. In real life, it's just blah, blah, blah, and I just go round and round. Inside me I am just rolling my eyes hoping I can keep up with this bullshit longer, a tad longer and that hopefullly someone will like it and save me. Please just give me a fucking break.

Then, the second person on that list of course, is any of my teachers in high school for making me believe that the future was really worth waiting for. They should tell kids now, it is just a lost cause, so do whatever you want to do when you are young and basically enjoy your life. The future is such a bunch of hyped up bullshit. I am living in mine, so I know firsthand what I am talking about.

So, my death list is minute, not really neccesary, slightly angry and hateful but mostly comprising of me.

not for the faint hearted

It wouldn’t be me if I did not talk about this and indeed I shall. Maybe it would help me, be me, or get over it.

I have these cousins that bear the same last name as I do. Growing up, her family right from her grandfathers didn’t like their name so they adopted mine, so they are not really my cousins per se, but they have the last name as I do, so indeed we are. When I was younger, as in Kindergarten young, I used to be very smart; some even thought I was some kind of child prodigy. So her mum proud of me, and wondering if something was wrong with her two children, a boy and a girl a few years younger than I, she asked me to coach them teach them over the summer. So every morning they would drop them off and I would teach them English, math, etc. I don’t know if they liked it, I really didn’t but when you’re smart you share your brain especially with your cousins.

When I went to college to study Law, her mother told me her daughter wanted to study Law as well. She wants to be just like you, just like her mum wanted to be just like mine, but that’s a while other story. Then, I was in school for donkeys of years. In between that, I can’t remember when exactly, I know I did see her briefly when I studying for the Bar exam and I think that was the very last time I saw her. She decided to go to college in America, despite the fact that she had gotten admission into one of the best schools in Nigeria, to study Law, her mum felt her education would be more worthwhile if she studied it here. So she did, and then, I did mine, and moved here in 2000.

The other day as a joke I put my name through a search engine and there it is. Her name pulls up. She is an attorney with one of the best law firms in the country. She must have been so good that they gave her the job without her having even passed the Bar for the state she worked in. In a little while she did, so they put up all her data online. She graduated Magna Cum Laude from her college in Economics, and went onto to Harvard Law School (how she paid, beats me unless it was a scholarship) and she works as an Energy and International relations lawyer. This is the same field I would die to work in, I am trying to work in, and I am so far from even getting close to working in. She achieved my dream by pretending to be me, she did it and she did it better than me.

Yes, stories like this illustrate my sadness and bitterness. They explain where I am from and what I am up against. Most times I say to myself n consolation, “girl you are not in competition with anyone, you have your achievements and she has hers, and she achieved being you, only better version of you, with your last name and everything.” My question is, and I have achieved what exactly?

Ever since I have known myself I have wanted something to take me away from my boredom, to offer me a world of excitement, an escape, from humdrum routine of life, a meaning to my existence. I would sit in between my studying and hope for a sliver of excitement, maybe it was that hope and the daydreams that stopped me from becoming magna cum laude, maybe it was that dream that led me to come to America, and it is that dream that made me fail in becoming the better version of me. I need to wake up from that daydream because it is not going to happen, I am 30 years old and it has not happened, it probably never will happen and I should just concentrate on the reality of my existence and forget whatever there could possibly be.

I just feel like I robbed myself of a better life. I had a plan for myself and that plan was badly executed and without a good execution I can only be what I am now. A rough estimate of what anyone in their right mind would have imagined I would turn out to be. A tool. A stupid old tool, who is as brain dead and devoid of any sense of worth whatsoever.

I wish there was some formidable way of ending this deep heartfelt rant. This is as deep an insight into me and my frustration as anyone of you are ever gonna get.
But there isn’t a chance of hope. Sometimes I pray I can be content with my mediocrity. At moments I wish I didn’t feel I owed myself a smidgen of success in my dreams, but there are times when I wonder why did I ever feel like there was something special about me, why? Why didn’t I just wish for other things young girls like me hoped for, a good husband, dozens of kids, money, and a comfortable life. Why did that seem so mediocre, and why did I want something exciting to happen in its stead, and why did that pursuit ruin everything else in between?

as the sky opened up

Random mumblings and then some...

What is there to say on this thing? I have lost all feeling whatsoever for communicating my feelings, or thoughts, or just random ideas that pop into my head.
Some of them are...
1) Whoever made National Treasure a PG movie needs to be rebuked. It is a good movie, but I do not really enjoy struggling for a good seat with a bunch of kids.
2) I had no idea Josh Duhamel was that hot. He is hot in a "the kind of guy I like hot" way, and I just never really noticed him.
3) At what point in between sleeping with someone and driving four hours every weekend to go visit them do you realize that, he is your boyfriend and mayeb you guys need to accept that it is what it is, and maybe decide on who stays and who goes, and where do you take this "thing"
4) The Bridget Jones sequel was such a waste of time and effort and a letdown to all Bridget readers worldwide. I wonder how Helen Fielding felt watching her wonderful delicately crafty script being played out like some kind of rompy comedy. It would break my heart, no matter how much I get paid for it, it would still break my heart.
5) I saw the movie Amelie for the first time on Friday and what a rare Friday treat it was. Most people go out clubbing on Friday nights, I stay in and curl up on my couch and watch TV while I wish that the seconds would go by slower over the weekend than they do during the week. Yes, I do that. But Amelie, rare treat. I love subtitled critically acclaimed movies. I hate PG movies but I love subtitled movies. The Barbarian Invasions was a good one too. Sometimes I wish I could rent them all and have a subtitled movie marathon.
6) I think Gavin DeGraw is one of the best new artists of this year. He is not recognized enough or given enough kudos, he is just brilliant and his CD I can't get enough of.

Now, to the serious things:
1) work is still the same. It's the 22nd of November and I am still here. Somehow I am glad I am still here, somehow I wish I had progressively moved to something else. But it cannot be helped, I am still here and bloody well might be until the 1st of January the way things are looking.
2) I framed a few of my black and whites and hung them in my little hallway. Something about that just made me so proud, so proud. It was expensive and hard to decide on those pictures, since custom framing is such a luxiry but I did it. Every time I walk in from work and look at those pictures, it reminds me of a different side of myself, the creative side, the fun side, the side I want to be with all the time.
3) And everything else in between, it's stil just me.

work issues and then some

"Sorry about the interruption. I had a long talk with Anita that she should call me with these types of issues. I have been on the road and continue to insist that we talk at least twice a day. She is hesitant to call for some reason. She began today giving me lecture about how things are going to be done. I not too gently let her know how I expected things to be done and if she needed me, I would to answer any questions she has. I think that we got through it alright, but I am concerned that she just does not like her job as a litigation paralegal/secretary. She has let me know that she does not work past 5 pm and that she leaves early on Friday. I suggested that she might be in the wrong carrier. (sic) "

This is what my new boss had to say about me after having worked with me for barely a month, and I would say in that whole month, about 6 days in total. He does not show up for work as a good leader should and then, he makes assumptions based on my rejection of his request to base my skill on how fast I can type up his dictation or handwritten notes. I don't understand why the attorneys I have worked with come off as egotistical maniacs, who cannot take correction and exude the whole God-complex. When you see notes like these, no matter how much I try to read his reasons for his assumptions from the badly composed email, I just cannot accept that it is totally wrong, and misinformed, and a strong determinant that it's time to get back to school, get back in the game and aspire for greater things.

I am rambling. Hopefully, this would not read as badly as that note when I read it when my head has cooled.

what do you know?

At times, it seems almost tiresome that one would ask for some kind of help, some kind of insight into things, some kind of relief on some issues, and yet the same issues would still befall you. For example, my life, my work. The one thing that I hold dear is my life and my work, yet those don't seem to be working out. I feel like taking a vacation from myself, being someone else for a change, someone who has less responsiblity, more fun, loves her job, is respected at her job, and is noticed even if it's once in a while.

I do that in my dream sometimes. In my dream last night, I was in Europe. I was shooting a documentary and my crew just happened upon the crew of Oceans 12, and the very delectable but obnoxious George Clooney. I had a brushing with him of some kind and he walked off, and who was the surprise 12th member, Keanu. Yes, but it was a dream nonetheless. The rest of the crew, Brad, and Matt Damon took a liking to me and inquired about my documentary which was on foreign living and how simple it is, but George was too proud to beg, so to speak so he ran off, giving me the cold shoulder.

No one understands why I detest the company I work for, just me. or maybe all companies are this way, I havent worked for enough companies to know not to compare, but this one takes the cake, in treating us like inconsequentials and maybe I like to be noticed A LOT and I dont want to be the inconsequential person of the bunch.

But in my dream, I met George Clooney and he was an asshole, and Keanu was shy and Matt Damon was actually a friendly guy. I guess I can be consoled by my vivid playful imagination. If only that were enough.

Help me, save me from this career! That would be the heading of my Dear Abbie letter.

And Dear Abbie would say, it is all your fault, somewhat.

I'm sorry

I feel really bad that I didn't attend church today. I am going through this withdrawal thing, maybe it's from God or the state of situation I cannot change, and I would like to change, that I feel like going to church I am just mainly saying the same things over and over, and I might not be saying it right. On Friday, I sat in front of the TV and watched the VH1 marathon on 100 Greatest Red Carpert Moments for 3 hours straight. Then, yesterday I spent, $280 shopping, absolutely shopping for shoes, clothes, winter clothes even though I have so much of that, and pants, I noticed that I don't fit into most of mine. And then, this morning I woke up with a feeling that said, I may not go to church and I want to go one a diet, an extreme one.

You can see a pattern there. Some kind of manic obsessive dysfunctional behaviour, that is dictating my life right now. I don't know. And worse off the holidays are around the corner, a bad time to be manic obsessive about anything. I am just not right, happily right, fulfilled. Afraid of the future.

However, for that God I apologize, I don't know what this is about.

Thank you God for everything, for my life, for the peace that I occasionally enjoy and for the love around me. I don't want my avoidance of church sermon as my turning my back from you. I just still want something great to happen to me, and I want to stop being afraid, and to live my own life. I am just unsure of what to do, how to do it, and if I can do it right, and if what I am doing will get me to where you want me to be. I pray that this is a good week, at work and at play, bless me and protect me from all evil and grant me the peace that I seek. Amen.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I had no doubt in my mind that Bush would win the re-election.

I didn't vote and if I did I wouldn't have voted for him. 

Everyone knows I am not exactly happy with the state of things, but since I always happen to support the party that loses in everything, I just knew that this would be one of the many losses. I also supported Gore in 2000 and see how that turned out. It is just so disappointing. In GA, Bush won. The secretary in my office voted for him, and yet she complains about her job every day. WTF! why not chose another option, if option A isn't working why in fuck's sweet name are you sticking with it? 

I am just so tired of it being an employer's market, that's my main aggravation. I had a different view of America before I moved here and since I moved it's been on a decline, and that has everything to do with Bush, because since then he's been (and annoying still will be) the president. It's like what gives? 

How many more stories of beheadings, and torment, and the elusive Bin Laden threatening home videos, etc can we take. It's just too depressing, and angst-ridden and deplorable, illustrating the statement that says how have the mighty fallen. All we can do now is pray. I know that sounds lame, but it's true. 

I once lived in a country with a dictator and we all sat down and prayed and prayed really hard and one day he just died. And my country was set free. Till today, we really do not know what killed him, some say he died from complications from Viagra, some say a heart attack, or AIDS, but we were set free by God's hands, and some how, something will save us from this. I am not saying Bush's death, (God Forbid) but something somewhere has got to give way to some sense of redemption in this whole thing. Like I said I am tired of it being an employer's market. 

I feel so sorry for people like Michael Moore who tried to open people's eyes to to the truth but they still chose to stay in darkness. Somewhat like the Bible that is trying to educate some of us about God's light and we still chose sin, hmmm...I won't talk about this again. You know politics is not my thing. I am just sick and tired of the whole employer's market thing. I have said that already and I cannot say it enough.

Blogger review

In light of the fact that I once upon a time used to admire people who had digital cameras and could fill their blogs with daily fun filled photos of their lives, and I promised I would do the same if I ever acquired one. I am going to make my first photoblog update to this journal. I never used to do so because of 1) time-- it takes too bleeding long to crop the pictures to a reasonable size and to have them uploaded on to a website. 2) lack of a website that would permit such picture hosting. All the websites these days just hate it when you use them for storage facilities, when they use your email as spam material.

So here are pictures from my weekend trip to Helen, for the Oktoberfest. Better pictures were taken with my 35mm camera.





This last one was taken by my niece, at the last minute we realizedwe hadn't taken pictures of ourselves.

Bummer!

this continues

The family thing is still ongoing. The thing that upsets me the most is that no one takes my anger seriously. Like I said earlier, (in case anyone is remotely interested in this saga) My brother left his bag in my apartment, He had hoped to come back and spend some time there but the way things panned out, that just wasn't going to happen. I did tell him I am not coming to my sister's house again to pick him up, because every time I come there, there seems to be this other plan that makes more sense than coming to spend time with me. I didn't call him yesterday and he called me in the evening, wondering why I was mad.

Okay first strike. Why am I mad? I told him clearly that it seems this visit is one-sided. He has been staying in my sister's house since he arrived and it doesn't look like he plans to visit with me AT ALL. Why are we even discussing this as if it is an issue, someone would think he was my boyfriend and I was begging him to come spend the night. It shouldn't be an issue, you should come to visit and spend time here and time over there. Not sit in one place and act like the other person should just call you once in awhile. It's absurd.

Then, today I just called from him work, because I was feeling sentimental and overcome by the fact that maybe this is petty, and his visit is almost over. You would think he would work it into his plans somewhat to come and visit me, since he leaves on Monday. Nope! But now, instead he is asking me to make arrangements for his bag.

I don't know what else to say. I told him plainly that my family needs to make time for me, and not think that their time is too busy for me. My plans are not open because I am single and don't have multitude of children, they are not. If this is the case, I am going to keep being angry and stay that way. I was going to say Fuck it! he is going back to Nigeria on Monday and God knows when I will see him again, but then, he should be saying the same thing too, and then, in that, create time out of his schedule to come visit me. Its sad that this has to happen while he is here, but this is a stance I want to make known to everyone and if it means suppress my longing to see him so be it. They need to understand that I feel strongly about this, and the time is now.

a wink

I didn't get a wink of sleep last night, and I am at work and my nose and head feels like I am coming down with something. A cold or maybe more. The bad thing about this job is it's so hard to call out because there is no stand-in for you if you ever fall ill or just feel like sitting up at home and nursing your head. Sad!I had a fight with my brother yesterday. My brother is visiting from Nigeria, he only gets to do this once a year, and he leaves next week Monday. He has been here for 3 weeks but has only spent 3 nights at my house. It just seems like he is not here to see me, because I have to get on a waiting list before he can spend time with me. This Friday he spent the night and it was supposed to run through the weekend. On Saturday we all went to Helen, GA for the huge Oktoberfest.


It was fine, (pictures to come soon, I hope) and then we got to my sister's house and picked up our stuff, and his bag was still at my house, getting ready to head home, my brother in law invites him to go to the movies with them. He blows me off and goes to the movie with them. Sunday he was supposed to leave with me after church so we can spend the day together, my sister cooks up this idea that she wants to take him to College Park to view the one and only completed model to the new home she is building. So we drive, for about two hours to and fro to this model home. By the end of it, it was five o'clock, I am tired, my day has been fucked and you would think my brother would leave with me, my sister offers to cook us all steak dinners. I reject it, but my brother doesn't. This is the second blow off.

Then, yesterday. Monday. He asks me to come pick him up after work. I leave work an hour early. I drive like a mad woman to avoid traffic blunders. As I pull in to their sub division, my sister calls that she wants to take him to Sam's club to do his take home grocery shopping. This was supposed to be done on Friday but she felt that she would be too busy on Friday so she pushes it forward and of course messes up my own plans. Mind you, I just got off work early and drove half way across town. No one stops to think how I may be feeling. She invites me to come along, and of course, you can tell at this point, she doesn't know me very well to understand that I am angry. My brother for the third time blows me off, and I angrily storm out of there. I told him I wouldn't come see him again until he leaves, he should make arrangements for his bag in my apartment.

It is obvious, he didn't make the journey to GA to come see me. I remember four months ago when he didn't want to make the trip down. I convinced him to. My sister couldn't be bothered. She was like, if he can come fine, if he cannot fine. But I thought it was essential that he come, at least to see his family once a year. Now, she is the one that kidnaps him in her home and I have to actually beg to squeeze a stayover in my place. Little did I know then, that he wasn't coming to see me. So I went to bed mad, and of course, you cannot get any sleep that way. You would think someone in that house would call to apologize but No!

I think some separation from my family would help me in some way. I haven't decided how, but in some way, even if it's minute.

A little tumble of the weeds

Something is happening in my office that is a little unusual.

The Attorney, I suppport who is such a diva in her right, quit yesterday in the fear that a firing would be coming to her soon enough.

After the whirlwind weekend I had I decided to call out (yes, for the second time in 7 months) and spend the day recuperating from all the alcohol and excessive spending. However, mid afternoon on Monday, the managing partner calls me at home (yes you read that right) and tells me the attorney quit, and she would work out her two weeks notice, but he doesn't really want her to. And that a new person, a male attorney would be starting before the end of the week. Moreso, since neither of us live close to the current location of our office, the partner gave us the option to have the office a little closer to my home (yes, you read that right too) And once we move in, he would hire an assistant to help me out with the tasks. (yes, the story keeps getting interesting)

All this decision making was realized in my one day disappearance from work.

The story is still unfolding, but I just thought I woudl throw that out there.

Life isn't fun, it's a little eventful right now.

Know me

Every time I read what a good time everyone is having in their lives, I often feel like I am lacking, what can I possibly say that would usurp these fantastic stories or even come close. I don’t have anything to say. I wake, eat sleep, promise to work out but I don’t and then I sleep. In the weekend I spend money and extinguish any remote thought of work form my mind, and then, I sleep just like any other day. I promise to write, read, ferment my thoughts, embrace the day, exercise, feel the breeze on my face. I promise all these but then, I sleep and promise it for some other day. I would do it tomorrow.

So there is no captivating story or point to my life and in some ways I know it would always be that way. I wonder why I got so many journals, and blogs to capture these days of nothing, celebrate this emptiness, this frightful pity party. Why put people through this process of having to read mundane all over again, isn’t it bad enough that they (or at least some of them) have to live it.

Consumed

For the past few weeks I have been consumed by some kind of thoughts and of course frustrations.

I think there comes a time in a single woman's life when she says and somehow accepts that maybe she may never find true love, maybe the saying that there is someone for everyone did not really apply to her, that she may never really have that one person that thinks the world of her and her of him and that her dreams as stupid as they are, may never really come true.
I have always had this thought lurking in my brain somewhat, but I am often afraid to speak it out, even now as I say it, I am trying to make it seem like I am not condemning myself, which truly I am not. I have just been as I said consumed with several things.

The search for a new job. Another job that will dissatisfy me in a few months.
The search for some kind of social life. Last weekend I toured all the listed hangouts and clubs in my area and I couldn't quite find myself visiting any of them to hang out by myself.
The search for an enriching hobby that I will not tire of within a few weeks.
The search for some meaning to this career thing.
The search for resurrection from mediocrity.

I really have hit so many roadblocks in all these things that I had to dedicate one day, just one day out of my life, which was Thursday into not thinking about any of these things. Quite frankly, that was one headache free day I can tell you that.

I am just consumed. I don't want to do this pity party called life by myself two or maybe three years from now. I wish I do not have to, but, there doesn't seem to be a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. My solace has become alcohol, TV and food, and what good company they've turned out to be.

I just need to not be so consumed and burdened with taking care of my life, by myself.

no reaction neccessary

Inasmuch as I am in debt up to my neck, with the apartment move and the furniture I just got for it, I am considering taking a holiday for christmas. I know it may seem a bit quick to start to talk christmas talk now (God knows if I'll even be alive then) but I want to do something different and hopefully it will be this year not next year, like I keep saying as each year rolls around.

Every year at Xmas, I gather in my sister's house with her kids and we open presents and wait for forever for the turkey to get ready and then we eat it, and then, we are bored and sit home admiring the presents we are not allowed to touch until the next day. The next day we rudely pluck down the decorations and just like that xmas is over.

You can see I need something a little different, I can almost predict what the outcome of this years will be, and my life at this age shouldn't be so predictable. It really shouldn't.
I don't know where it is I want to go, some where that is filled with nice people. I wish I had a clear picture of a place or something in my head. I just need to be somewhere else, doing something else, and possibly ordering room service, which may or may not comprise of turkey. I do not know. They say what makes a good writer is that they have experienced things, and had adventures. my adventure seeking days ended a little while ago. I am in need of some and I didn't get to take a summer vacation all year, so can I take one at the end of the year.
Hmmmm....

application

I think the school I intend to pursue the LLM study is about to reject my application. That's the thing with us naysayers, you hear it so many times that you can almost predict what it would sound like the next time. You can foresee it, and sometimes if you think hard enough, you can possibly think up what bullshit excuse they would make us for having to reject you.

I called them this morning. I just couldn't take it and it was wearing me down that I had spent all this money and time and no one could at least incur the expense of calling me to inquire about my application. Then, they call me to mind of a fact I had almost forgotten: the original degree certificate from my college. I never did obtain it. I never really thought I would need it. Obviously, I do now, because some bitch in the UK says I do.

I spent the whole morning online looking for a link to my University so I could communicate with someone over there and get them to send me my degree. But nothing online. It's like my school doesn't even exist. I thought we lived in a civilized society, apparently my country and my alma mater didn't get the memo on that. It just shows how much my life sucks and how much shit I have to suppress to get anything I need in this world. It's unbeliveable. I know there would be thorns on the way but not a whole forest, monsters, and demons. I feel like those characters in the Lord of The Rings who had to go through every hoop imaginable to get the damn ring where it was supposed to be.

and to what do we owe the honor

It's been a very confusing weekend. I have been driving around aimlessly looking for somewhere to find"fun" and entertainment and supposedly mingle with the in crowd as opposed to my new couch potato routine. I had written down a couple of places in the area that had bands playing, music, open mic, that sort of thing. I did a test run today just for pete sake, since it's Sunday the day with the least amount of traffic and just to see if this is really worth looking into, plus I needed a drink really badly after church. I neglected to take me camera. That's the thing with the picture taking hobby, I often neglect to take my camera where the sights are. I passed by the Duluth Fall festival, would have stopped if I had the camera with me. The first place was not much to look at and by the looks of the bartender, he was not quite the dish to make the journey down there for. It looked like it would be the happening scene and the crime scene at the same time. It was a typical bar, and a woman would be caught dead going there by herself. Then, the second was just as bad, dingier, but with a bit more promise as the list of bands that play there were posted on the board. I really do not know what to expect or if I will in the hopes of fun and enlightment to my Friday nights ever visit such places, more so alone. But I know at least I tried. Wherever you are, I know I tried to meet you.

I know a caged bird is supposed to sing

I want to get married because:

I am sick of my sister and her bullshit talk about how her, her husband, her marriage and the decisions they have made in their marriage, and in their lives are perfect. I am sick of hearing it and I am sick of her not being able to accept that her husband is an idiot, a conceited idiot that I never liked and never will and that will never change his idiotic ways.
I am sick of my sister dropping off her children to spend the weekend at my place so she can have alone time with her husband with the assumption that I have no plans of my own. She drops them off with me with a forecfulnes that seems almost as if it is my responsibility while she is off gallivanting with her husband as if she were single and me the single one I am burdened with a car full of pesky children. Mind you, these kids are not the heavenly =, make you wish you some of your own type of kids, their peskiness is enough to drive a priest batty, and there is not enough patience with me and Job to deal with them.
I want my brother-in law to respect me as a Mrs. Somebody. Even if it’s Mrs. Federline at this point I don’t really care, as long as it is Mrs. Somebody and my life would belong to my husband and not my family as it has been for 30 years.

black and white

I sometimes see my life in black and white, shades of grey fused in that distort any vision of color. My face pales in comparison to the darkness that it holds, and the smile that I try to reach for is not visible to the mind's eye as it weeps, little dots of grey, green and whimsical mauve. It is black and white there is no other explanation to the ashes.


I don't know why I wrote that, it really doesn't make sense not even to me. I have been blacklisted I am sure of it. There is no other explanation for the silence. Yes, the silence. NO ONE IS CALLING AT ALL. It has never really been that bad. It's bad externally and internally. I have never suffered with these many emotions in a job before. I wake up praying for a storm so I don't have to go in. My attorney is on PAXIL so when she misses her dosage she is a complete mess. And no matter how I pray and wish and beg God please I know I have to work this job until something works out, so please make it easy on me, He still makes it pour down on me, one bad dose of the job after the other. Something heavy, or stupid, or just god-awful unprofessional, makes you wonder. Today I cried. It's becoming a weekly occurence right now. Crying at the job. And I don't wimp out easy. I don't know what gives in the place, and I don't know when it will stop. Relief, saving grace, a chance to breathe and actually look forward to coming to work. I don't know when it ends.

So that made me think of the black and white, black and white shades of my messy life.

about time

In between having conversations with KR and trying to relax, it's been a pretty ho-hum weekend. I did not get the "letter" and at this point I don't know what to believe or expect. I have a feeling I may be waiting for "a word from our sponsor" until Christmas. Some firms just do not coordinate themselves well enough to send out letters of rejection, they just expect you to deduce whatever you want. I don't know if that speaks good or bad of them, but it speaks badly of me that 1) I am still where I am, biglaw firm is not itching to wrap their hands around me after all my preparation and anxiety 2) out of four positions available I could not get myself to fit into one of those positions. Everything about the whole ordeal is disappointing on every level and it just makes me ashamed to think of it. It had all the makings of a success story, except it belonged to me, and my stories do not have a happy ending, geez! I am still waiting for a happy ending to the one I am living in.

Another thing that bothers me, the UK universities I have applied to. They have deducted my money from my account and currenly have my degree in their hand, but please write me, call me, email me, tell me something, acknowledge that you have at least received something from me, they have not. It's like the whole world's gone silent. The prospective employers, recruiters, the university people, everyone. I have just been erased and no one can currently reach me. It saddens me completely.

I had an interesting conversation with my sister. We talked about my finances, and how I should be prepared for the future, and how I should always know at the back of my mind how uncertain it is. She claims she and her husband are experiencing financial trouble and they may want to sell the house to offset their debt and go for a smaller cheaper one. It is the same ole bullshit from her every year, next year it would be, we wish to refinance because mortgage rates are pretty low so let's save some money. Every year, a different thing with that woman. I love her, I love her completely. But I cannot understand her motives for some actions and why she wants everyone to see her reason while she is not seeing that of others, and I am sure she just might say the same of me. But every year it's the same thing, there comes a point when we try our best to avoid the number of instances of "I told you so" in our lifes. Before this one I told her, try to start small just so life would be a little simpler and she said NO, that the market was good, life was good, they needed an investment property. Now, it's we do not really need an investment property as much as we need investment money for the kid's college funds. What am I to believe?


You can see what my life is comprised of? If work could work out, or my love life could work out, or just one little segment in time could work out, maybe I could understand the shades of grey and think they are transient, but this one is of a permanent coloring.

We'll talk again soon, hopefully when I am not full of distress.

its happened

Not good news, no, of course not. I have come to the realization that something about me is allergic to that. Just the other day I was thinking about the last time tears of joy actually happened. I do get a little misty when people I like accept the Academy (though that has not happened in a long time) and I do get a little teary watching American Idol, but for me to have such good news that I get teary about it, and just bawl over the good news, I would say it's been about 2 years.

So what happened? Not good news, it was more like bad news, the kind that floors me and shatters me, and makes me not want to leave the house, face the outside world, and do a thing for days, the kind that cripples you mentally and physically. I feel like Wesley Snipes who yells out in anger during his battle scene with Sly Stallone in Demolition Man, "What am I doing wrong?"

Yes it's that kind of bad news. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this career thing? If I knew I would have grasped it by now, I would not still be searching, I would not be switching jobs like it's underwear, I would have a grasp on what it is I am supposed to be doing and I would be doing it well. I would be thanking and loving and living, less searching. So what is it that I am doing wrong?

I am a good writer. I know I am. I do not give mself enough kudos in many departments, but in writing, I know that I try. I am not excellent, not Stephen King, I am not to be ranked among the greatest speech writers, I am also no as good as the proverbial Carrie Bradshaw. I am just good at it, it's one of the things I am better at than say, cooking, or cleaning, or running. I write. I may not speak well, but I write it pretty darn good. So what am I doing wrong? Beats me. Every once in awhile a defeat like this comes along that just makes you feel the gut being ripped out of you and you think, maybe I am not good enough, maybe I am not cut out for this career thing, maybe I cannot actually grasp it. If I cannot, then what can I grasp? I have not done any good in grasping a man that is for sure. It's been hell's bells all through that. So what else is there? Just a hopeless floating existence filled with my continous search for wholeness in something I should be good at.

Why is that the sad stories always come through? The good ones not so much, but the sad ones, are sure as stone. Why?

Let's hope I don't stay floored all weekend.

time to reflect

I just wanted to take a little time to reflect on a long, quiet weekend. Quite eventful financially, I spent every dollar I have on entertaining myself, still I don't feel quite entertained. And then, quite reflective for me, one of my oldest friends got married this weekend, needless to say I didn;t attend, and my family knew about it so began a long list of ways for me try to "catch a man" lest I become old and wrinkled and single. Then, I found a new appreciation for my apartment, it is so quiet in the mornings, I know it is possible for me to start school here, there is no distraction whatsoever. In the mornings I sleep until noon, before I stir, and even then, it is still quiet so I sit outside on the deck and sip my coffee, read my book, or sit just like now in front of the computer and waz philosophical. There is not enough time in the day for all the cool things I would rather do at home, and this is not good because it makes not want to go out and "catch a man" so to speak. But I am glad, and pleased and so grateful to God that I have this space with which to share with my over active imagination.

That is enough reflecting for now at least. I know I had something to say when I logged in today but it escapes my tongue right now.

Happy Birthday Keanu!

Isn't it sad that every year I do this, right about this time, aware that the next day I have to go to work and in a place I am not somewhat familiar with and in some other part of the world it is Keanu's birthday and apart from feeling a little bit left out I just feel extracted from mine, continually sulking that I am not in his. My Outlook reminder was set as Event: Keanu's birthday, and Location: Somewhere underneath some broad. Yes, that's as much thought as I have put in this.

So even if you are or are not underneath some broad, or just sitting alone in a cafe sipping wine and wondering why you are 40 and look great, and or why you are content and not fulfilled with how your life turned out, or proposing to your girl just before she gives you that birthday fuck we all know you enjoy. Whatever you are doing it cannot be as sucky as what I have to do, trust me on this and it hurts that this is the way it is.

This one is on me:

It came from yesterday to a time that would lead to tomorrow, to a time that I thought you would find me, to the time when I would look at you and not feel the needle pierce my skin as I long for a way to say I do not hurt, I do not ache, I do, but not as much. It came from yesterday to that time when we were unknowing of what could come to be, of what one stare could cause us to believe...It came from yesterday and it runs to... endlessly.

For Keanu, endlessly...

today the 1st day of the month

I took the day off work today. I woke up and I just didn’t feel liking face another day in there. I have been having that feeling a lot lately and it’s quite unlike me, since I live for work not relaxation, I have certainly had enough of that to last me a lifetime. However, today I wanted to send out the application to the degree external in the UK and I need to sit down and write the personal statement and just coordinate. I didn’t sleep in though I just got up and sat to it in front of me my computer and typed away. I had very frustrating time tring to send that application today.

I went to the bank and asked to buy foreign currency and they stare at me as if I am asking for Iraqi currency, or I was some strange relation of Bin Laden. I just found it so shocking, sometimes I think where have I landed, and have I actually landed in the right place, that instead of civilization I am given the opposite, instead of the keys to a modern world I am faced with a world afraid to take that step to civilization even when they can. I felt so frustrated I wanted to scream just yell out loud. Why is living so hard? Why does every single step I want to take to make my life better have to be so hard, I would accept one or two things as hard but not every single thing just becoming a pile of shit dropping on top of me. I am pathetic bothering on near psychotic, I am evading work and what’s next? I came home and thought maybe I should ask for numbers for shrinks now. Yes, I said it because I am losing my mind, my psychological wellness is depleting and I fear I may shrivel and not want to leave the house soon, like the kind of feeling that came over me today.

My life, my mess, it continues…

ever wonder

ever wonder if there are people out these who actually look forward to Monday. Every time I get to work on a MOnday, the people in the elevator always look so tired and had with the day, and it's just the beginning of the week. So I sometimes wonder are there people possibly out these who are ready to embrace the week and don't dread Sunday night that of cos leads to Monday and another burdensome week, I often wonder about that. Seriously I do. I know it's just me on the "hate" ange but who else is on the "love" angle.

I want to ask that Lord help me not to cry this week. Victory is mine, says the Lord, we are all victorious in His name. I want to claim victory and make it mine, I want the Lord to help me to believe in myself to make it happen. I can do all things through Christ who lives in me, and we have claimed victory in so much in my life that to God be the glory for helping me come this far. I love thee O Lord, and I pray that You shall help me dry my tears and claim peace in your place of worship. To Him be glory and Honor forever. Thank you Jesus. Here's to my week. This I ask of thee, Amen!

its been a week

It's not been a week since I updated but its been a hella of a week for me.
I have come to the conclusion that I am stupid. I don't read enough and my IQ is probably a hndred times lower than what I thought and last but not least my brain has to my detriment sufficiently depleted.

It has.

How did I come to this conclusion? Well the pop quiz at my interview on Wednesday. Since then I have asked everyone I know about that question and they've come up with a one word answer, like it's not even a trick question. But I rambled for days and I still couldn't get an answer at all. It pains me because I thought I was smarter than that. Where was I when my brain slowly left my body. I knew I was bad at interviews but this is ridiculous. Seriously.

So now i have to spend less time in front of the TV and more time reading (which is what I should have been doing being that it is my New Year resolution) and writing. Let me give the big screen a little breather, we can't pay for it if we can't better our skill and get a better job, now can we? I love working hard, mostly if it pays off in the end but of late I feel like my working harder doesn't gurantee that I would get anything more than I what I have. It's just chance and timing that have landed me where I am. Nothing else.

We'll talk again soon.

this was good

This was my horoscope for today, and I hope it speaks true. I only hope so. It was a rugh interview. anita blabbing all the way through, I can only hope that this story ends and it ends well. It ends well.

Today’s Moon in Capricorn will stabilize uncertain situations. This is one Zodiac sign that represents solid achievement, and the emotional Moon calms everything with tangible rewards and new social rankings.

I don't know what to say

I don't really know what to say.

I want to ask that God enables me to have faith, and strong belief in everything. You see I told you I didn't know what to say. One part of me keeps saying, I don't know what I am doing, this is all bullshit, what I am doing. And the other part keeps saying, don't worry it will all work out. It will all work out, just keep the faith. And I am and I hope in some way I can hold strong and let this all come to be somehow, I don't want to fail, and I don't want to be alone or feel as if I held out for the wrong team. I want it to be okay. To all work out in the end like some screenplay that has a magical ending to it. That's my prayer, I suppose that in all this I seek God's face first and in seeking his face he lets me know that this is His plan and it will all work out.

Grant me O Lord a blessed week.

Amen!

little things said on a Sunday Morning

I work up early today to write, sit in my little office facing the window, with the wonderful view, and hoping to write some. I may still accomplish that, butt half the day is gone now and I have so much to get to today.

However, I want to begin this post by giving a shout out to someone, whom I frequent her journal dedicated to the lovely KR. if you know me, you would know KR sites and groups are not my thing, something about being faced with fellow obsessed fans that just kinda puts a mirror on things. But this site I do go to when I need my Keanu fix, and she had/has my link on hers, though I never included hers in mine. Sad, isn't it? So I promise to do that now, and to give a shoutout to the KEANUHOLIC site.

So I haven't written, but I thought I'd do this first. More KR obsession coming later. So if you are not a fan be warned.

I was thinking

I was thinking about a lot of things that may not neccessarily have to do with work, but just generally with my life. Two things actually stick out now that I have finally settled down to write them down.

One of them is the wonderful episode of Sex and The City that I caught last night where Miranda was being asked the same questions I was asked about apartment hunting for myself. "Is it just you, this is awfully big for one person, why do you need two rooms when it's just you?" And each time I kept answering, "it's just me, it's just me."

Strange when you go through that and then a month later you see it on Tv as if the person who penned that week's episode had had a chance viewing of your life and was forced to write it down quickly to let you know, "I know it's just you, but you are not the only one feeling this same predicament. Okay, Anita."

In the end she burst out crying and said, "I know I am by myself, but I don't want to be for the rest of myself."

I almost started to cry too. I was flabbergasted by the realism in that. Has someone been eavesdropping on my pity parade? This is sad, sadder cos it is true, and even more sadder because unlike Miranda I am not comforted by the fact that there is a Carrie to kiss me and make me feel better that come 20 years from now, I won't be alone in my apartment at 11 pm at night taking pictures of the night sky. Unlike her, I just sit in front of my Tv and let my reserve comfort me, and just dwell in the hope that maybe there will come a time when I won't be so much by myself, maybe it won't always be this way, and what if God remembers me one day and brings me that one love, that one person, that one hope that would change everything, what if that happens, just like some of the remotest of possibilities have happened, what if when that occurs, I shall look upon this entry and smile to myself, and look at him, "It was just me at a time, but it is not anymore." Then what?

I don't know, I am comforted by my hope, my belief in the impossible and my strength to overcome all odds, and in the meantime, it is me, all by my idiot self.

I'll tell you about the other thought tomorrow. I promise.

there is no excuse

There is absolutely no excuse for my neglect fo this journal over the week. I have just been absorbing my new apartment, and my disdain for where I work, and how much I would love to change that. But so much of it seems damn near impossible right now. I don't know what it is about this pit I have put myself in that just annoys me. And the more I want to change it begs me to please remain, and finds a solution to keep me trapped.

The pieces of me

So the TV arrived yesterday and I haven't gone out to soak up the sun because of it. I find myself watching design shows to sort of give me a better idea of how to make better use of my space, and decorate my space, liven it up. No point having large space and decorating it like a slum.

I want to try and go back to some of my hobbies, taking pictures and soaking up the sun cos summer is almost over. Sadly it would be soon.

I thank thee O Lord for the blessings You have given me. For the chance to get to where I want to be, and the will to get there. I pray and ask of thee, that I shall take the right steps to excel my heart and my mind and that my days shall be filled with gratefullness, hope, faith and contentment. And that light shall shine on to everyone I meet. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

the move

The move has happened and while everything is still taking a little while to fall into place I am mostly pleased, cheery and joyous. An inner joy and pride that I never thought the new apartment could yield in me. Those last few weeks before the move were a bit scary I wasn't too sure why I was doing and if the reason was going to be quenched when the move occurred. But it did. And I am so chipper. There is one last present to myself and it arrives this weekend, if I don't change my mind. But everything feels like I am living in a dream that dear God has made possible. I don't know how to thank Him and I don't know how, I am just overwhelmed and completely touched that He granted me this mercy, this opportunity to partake of this dream. I truly believe God loves me, and I want You all to love Him too.

So that's my thought with my prayer for the week.

Thank you Jesus.

moving and career thoughts prevail

The entire apartment doesn't look like I am moving. It has an uncertain distaste to it. Everything that I use everyday is packed so I am uncomfortable, and everything that I absolutely need is not packed, which I find quite amusing because this means that I shall be running around helter skelter on Friday morning trying to put them away when the movers get here. In other words, it is neither livable nor lived in. There is a huge amount of cobweb build up at my door and I don't really care, I just wish it is still there when we do the final walk through and I hand them their keys so I can tell them that is one of the reasons why I was so put off by the place. Cobwebs build up at a door that I use everyday. Amazing! Alas, I speak now, but the new place might be just as bad. There might be cockroach buildup. I think it is this fear that consumes me so much that I am devoid of excitement at changing environment. Like I said before everything new doesn't always seem like it is better. Everything I have looked forward to has felt like a crestfallen heap. Nothing has lived up to expectation. So Keanu wherever you are, I hope you are all that I dream of and more. I know I am not but that's beside the point.

I thought this entry would be about my career thoughts and the notable envy that has engulfed ever since I realized that everyone else around me is getting a new improved job except me. My sister in law, my friends online and in real life, everyone except me. It's like how am I supposed to pretend to be excited for them when I wish the job were for me instead.

It's time to go to bed. I am seriously resisting the urge to buy a new TV for myself. How big of an urge is it, so big. The only thing stopping me is this shaky job and my forbearance of it.

The good news is at least you all didn't have to wait a whole week for another entry.

I hate that

I hate that I only get to talk on here on Sunday to pray for the week ahead. It's just the way it's been with the moving and the juggling of the funds, and my life trying to be my life, I don't know it too well anymore. I sometimes question why I decided to move when it's costing me so much money and then, when I sit here and I am troubled by the dilapidated state of this place, I think why not move. The weirdest thing with this move is my family is supporting me completely. This was the total oppositie when I moved in here, they didn't think I should so they just sat back and wtahced me struggle with my move. Now, they wanna help me, they feel I need help, I am so used to moving myself that I don't really think I need help all that much. I am just frightened by my decision. I hate being this frightened by a plot I concocted but I am. And what a stealthy plot it is. I want this to succeed, I want it to have been a good idea, and I hope it turns out to be, but again I thought up this saga, so I should live to see the plot twist at the end.

Father Lord I pray for your grace, mercy and protection and your loving Hand to guide me through all my anxiety and uncertainty and doubt, and to lead the way so I can gently follow. In your mighty name I pray that this is a good week for us all. In Jesus name, I ask of thee, Amen.

as another week rolls around

As another week rolls around, I have this to say, in hopes that this would better cheer for me than the last one.
 
"Dear Lord, I thank you for the temptation, the trials and the tribulations. I thank you for making me stronger somewhat through it all. I ask that I overcome them to find something that makes sense, that fits into my space, my life and the ideal future for me and that in it you make me find the key to my happiness. I ask that You remember me this week, even if it's only for a little while and that my heart finds its solace. These along with the protection, guidance and love I ask of thee, O Lord this week. In Jesus Mighty name, I pray, Amen."

I thought I saw a glimpse

I thought I saw a glimpse of myself in the mirror today of the person that I wanted to be. Sometimes I think what is it that forms the belly of my disappointment and though it defies explanation I sometimes conclude that it is not so much a story or situation as a state of mind, a state of being that I am not familiar with, I am not content with, something I didn't want to be. I remember the childlike eyes with which I viewed the future, my coming-of-age, and I thought, that would be a good time, and now as I settle into it, day by day, passing year after passing year, I can't help thinking, how not so good this time is. Yes there are some dreams that have been fulfilled but in their fulfillment, their reality disappointed me. I assumed they would be great and they turned out not to be, like waiting for that pink colored icecream that tastes like piss. Yeah, I got it, that's one plus, but no, I didn't expect it to taste this bad.
 
I have learned in all that to stop looking forward to a heck of a whole lot. Nothing really matters anymore. Nothing ever lives up to expectation.
 
It should be a good week. I deserve one.

over indulgent persona

For some reason I have become overcome with an overindulgent persona this weekend. Have consumed too much food, too much alcohol, too much TV, way too much of that and too much sleep. My family went away to Orlando this weekend, and why I feel somewhat left out of it, I can't help feeling this is the first step to me partaking of vacations of my own, by myself of my own adventures. If I can stop spending money on useless things, then I'd be just fine.

I want to thank God for providing the means for me to overindulge myself, though I don't particularly think overindulging is a godly thing to do, I am glad I have the means to. I pray that this shall be a comforting time for me, that I learn to comfort myself by myself, and I learn to share the good of myself with others. I thank thee O Lord for thy goodness. Please grant that I have a blessed and prosperous week, in your mercy I pray that You are with me, before me, behind me and in me as I conduct myself all day everyday, in every breath. In Jesus Mighty Name, I pray. Amen!

five things you never knew about me or more

Anita's Fabulous Five, or more:

I do not particularly enjoy watching PG-13 movies.
I have never finished Pirates of the Carribean, I actually cannot stand the movie.
I do not see what the big deal is about Will Farrell or Orlando Bloom.
I only cook when I have a taste for something.
I have not seen every movie made by Keanu Reeves.
I can spend hours watching TV, the independent Channel too.
I love to take pictures even though I am not good at it.

No more tears

I ask that whatever pain there is ahead, that I shall not cry about it. That the Lord gives me the strength to bear it, and the shoulder to carry it. But if there is no pain I shall be even happier, for I cannot stand anymore pain. I long for the sunshine because it's been so long. I long for the time when I shall push the tears away and laugh endlessly with joy, gleaming and prclaiming what a wonderful life I have. I want to say that now and know that the Lord believes me. Hope that He believes me, and that in His belief He helps me fight to keep the pain away. I want to triumph where others have failed, live, love and believe. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

KR, money and everything else in between

I often wish I have an apartment with a good view, not this wooded view crap that they feed me with, I just need something I can feed my imagination off of. I once read this famous photographer took pictures from her apartment window everyday. And I am sure each day, each picture told a story of its own. A wooded view, with no animals, no wind, just the sun hitting it doesn't quite do the same. Or maybe my imaginative eye hasn't adapted to it yet.

I was thinking about KR in church today.

Not him solely. Just a bunch of things and something, one of the stray thoughts led to him. Isn't it amazing how people can get rich and just lose sight of who they are, where they are from and what they need? I was watching MTV CRIBS before I went to church and this girl in it, had a toilet seat made of marble and she said proudly, "There are only 3 of it in the world." Yeah, because only three people are stupid enough to want to take a dump in marble covered toilet. I just thought I owuld never be like that. Even if I won the super douper lottery right now and I have millions of dollars, I would never want to take a shit in a marble covered toilet. It's ridiculous. Then, my mind went to him. He is rich, I know. But yet, so simple. It's almost unreal, like it's god-given. That's why I like him and I pray that one day the man I end up with is a fraction of what he is, just a good ole' boy whom no one can find fault with.

My mind races I know. But I like where it often goes.

boring week

It's been such a long and winded and absolutely boring week. It's vacation weekend and once again I have nowhere to go and nothing really to do and it's just boring and lacklustre. I found myself watching the clock this evening, two hours after I had driven home from work (in that horrid vacation traffic)and there was absolutely nothing to do. I should have gone to see Spiderman 2 but I didn't. I should have gone to borrow some movies but I am trying to save money; I should have written, but I have no alcohol, no motivation and I am too depressed to write. Never thought I'd see the day when I'd say that. I should have done something but I was way too wrapped up in an undescribable emotion which I summarised simply as boredom. I am sure it's more than that but I'll leave it at that. It's just sometimes you expect good news and in its absence you just expect the quiet to take its place and fill the void with its silence. But instead there is drama of an unspeakable kind. One that just speaks volumes in its harshness and destroys the silence you should be enjoying as you await the excitement (to come whenever) and then, you find yourself crying a lot more often, soft tears that fill your eyes and choke your breath and just consume you if they are not yielded. You just ache and hurt, and...you look at life in a hurt way.

I am blabbing. And I thought I was too depressed to write. I could have gone to see Spiderman 2, even when it was 10 o'clock and I got tired of staring at that wretched clock, but then, I don't think that would have added any excitement to my evening, to my week.

I just wish my life was not this way.

Unscripted Life

Sometimes life could be so scripted that it seems like a movie, like turning over the pages of a movie.

For example, Barbara Streisand, standard socialite snub announcing Eminem as the Oscar winner two years ago. I only remember it now cos I just saw the movie "8 Mile" for the first time and I remember how perplexed she looked when she opened that envelope and there was his name. It could have been anyone else winning or announcing it, instead that was the way it went. What a feat? I couldn't help thinking all through the movie that black people have been doing this whole rapping thing for years, as long as I can remember, as long as I've known the "African-American" male he has been rapping, trying to find a way to get his messgae across by rapping. But then, there comes this skinny white boy and he becomes the most revered rapper there is, plus he wins an Academy. It just seems a little too scripted, a little unlike life, except it is.

On that note, I'd like to ask God to give me a scripted week. One that He has perfectly crafted the storylines with His hands, thought it out and made it out to be Anita's life. And I pray in some ways it sets the standard, changes the pace, leads the way, and becomes something someone can one day sit down and think, "Who knew Anita's life could be like this?" No one except You, God, and for that I pray everyday, every moment, never stop believing there is something special about me you are yet to reveal. Only time will tell. In Jesus Mighty Name, Amen.

All That Glitters

I'd like to welcome you all to an episode of your favourite show: All That Glitters is Not Gold.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about some things, particularly the job factor. And while I have decided that my ego, my pride and my strong overbearing personality may be to blame for my wanting to move to another job, I have also decided that the other 50% would be attributed to my lack of investigation of the job/company before I made the plunge. The fact that once they dangled dollars in front of my face, I just jumped ship without consideration just showed that I was Shylock's Twin Sister, a close relative of Lady Macbeth. That was one of the main reasons, the fuel for the move, and then, the fact that the old one was not up to par, aka driving me batty, that didn't help neither. I just jumped without asking all the salient questions. This is the part where the "All that Glitters" term comes in.

I had a long drawn out conversation with my sister. You know the one who is afraid to take risks. And though I have taken quite a few risks since she's known me, this is one that has back-fired that has given her cause to give me one of those, "Be Patient, stop taking risks" talk that I despise so much. So I don't believe you should spend eternity in a position when there is no sight of prospect. So I do believe that you should go with your instinct. So I sometimes fail to weigh every single con there is. I just didn't want to have that talk with her. I have, successfully, with the help of a lot of prayer avoided it. Now it just had to come because of this.

I also think part of the reason that all this is happening is because I made a few promises to God that I failed to fulfill once all these fell into place. Not good. He never forgets. Never. So now, I am just gonna have to pick up the pieces of those promises and retrace my steps to them.

You can tell I have done a lot of thinking about this. You start to ask yourself, is it so hard to be happy in a job. I think the very nature of work is that it sucks. It's just something you hate and you get to despise it. Because it is WORK, it's not play. You're not meant to love it. I haven't met any everyday person who loves their job, not even my sister the "safety-haven" person. However, there are people, I know a mere handful (mostly actors) that actually love what they do for a living. I want to be in that handful. Really?! 

KR in his Matrix documentary used to want to train on Sundays (even though they were closed on Sundays) and that just blew me away. That means, a) he loved it so much that he wanted to be at work on a Sunday and, b) he wanted to be good at it, better at it. I want to get to that level with what I do. I pray to be at that level. Is it a life challenge that I just don't want to go with the flow of this day to day, craving the weekend, and cursing Mondays?

I have a lot more to say on this and my thought process, but I'll save that for the next episode of All That Glitters...

Lord's Prayer

Lord help me to accept the things I cannot change; give me the knowledge and the wisdom to possibly change the things that I can. All I am really searching for on this earth is happiness, a place where my heart finds rest, the peace of Christ and solitude for my soul.

I pray that this week holds for me the Lord's blessings, I ask that His grace and patience shall help me see it through. I ask that at this trying and testing time I remember to observe the faith and peace that is our Lord Jesus Christ. I pray that You help me be stronger, and humbler. IN Jesus Mighty Name, I pray. Amen.

the past few weeks

A week to my birthday, coupled with all the pressure of turning 30 and my apartment move, I sorta lost interest in going to work. I would wake up and hate myself, ahte that routine, and just want to take that day as a personal day. I would get to work and eventually leave early and then, hate it when the next day rolled around so easily. I don't kow if it was the tedious journey to work, or the job, the dingy office, I just do not know.

It got worse after my birhday. The day after my birthday was Monday. I knew I should have taken that day off because I know my boss, envy is her nature. She would want to work the birthday magic outta you. And she did, and we even had an argument three days after, and it's just been hellish. Everything that ever crossed my mnd about that job and why I should be in it, and why I shuoldn't have joined it in the first place, came to the forefront, and I felt belligerent that I didn't pay attention to the signs, that I was greedy, and that things are not working out 3 months into it.

As I type I am thinking of calling some of my recruiters. I don't think I can stay afloat and bear it all in too long. I know my nature, one can only take so much. I had to hold it inside to keep from walking out on Thursday, and now as another week rolls around I am almost tempted to do so.

I remember when I started this job and everyone wondered if I was gonna make it. They kept asking me how long I could hang in there. The pieces, the questions all make sense now, and I feel that victim in a horror movie who still manages to shunall the warning and tell-tale signs and moves into the haunted house that houses the worst ghosts/demons/monsters ever.

I just feel so stupid and angry, and just infuriated.

It is I, yes.

Many of you Geminis experienced difficult tests while Saturn was in your sign from late summer of 2000 until June of 2003. Since then, things may have lightened up, especially if you learned your lessons. Now it's time to let yourself recreate the dreams that you thought had died. Lose yourself into your own vision of the future, for you can create your own reality. Imagine it and it can happen.

A new week begins

Dear, Lord please grant me a good week. I am so perturbed about this new year in my life and a bit nagsty about what your Hand holds for me. I am praying that it holds goodness, and blessings from thee. And even though there may be pitfalls along the way I pray that you are there to cusion the effect. help me, Dear Lord not to feel this impatient and uncertain about my future. Help me to live up to the promises I made to thee, all this and more I ask of you, O Lord. In Jesus Mighty Name, I pray. Amen!

Jibber and Jabber

Someone on one of my friend's list said this:

...sometimes i come out of these (job) interviews feeling like somebody just ejaculated on my face or something and contrary to what you see in the porns, that is NOT a good thing, at least not for everybody.

Why do I suddenly feel that way?

I came home and ordered Thai food. Dinner is served in my apartment now. It's so cramped that it makes me wish I had already moved to the bigger better place. Because I like food so much and serving and dishing out food, that's one of the reasons why I wanted a home with a big enough kitchen. A kitchen should not be all crampy inside. The Thai food is kinda good too. If there's one menu I shall take with me it's the Thai cuisine menu. It's wonderful.

The good news is I now have my HBO back, it cost me $5 more but hey, I gotta have my Six Feet Under.

They told us during the wine tour that the muscadine wine should not be stored for longer than 2 years. Yeah, right like anyone can keep that wine that long. It took me two hours to finish it, and I had to restrain myself.

Lord help me, I do not want to be embarrassed by this, I beg of you.

Long weekend, hopefully I shan't feel like an ejaculated face all weekend.

Mumbo Jumbo poetry

Where were you when my head needed a rinse, when it began to hurt and I left it to gather the moss from the painful memories that contained mostly you? Where were you when I decided to wake up from the daydream that I swimmingly had become a person who I could recognize no matter how many times I had fought to shake off glimpses of a realism I had forged for no reason? Were you a part of that, or was that just me?

Did you see me?
I am the one with her head in the clouds wondering why the smile isn't so proud no matter how high her aim is to reach into the place where her heart cannot take the pain of her distress, and the anger that she cannot attain that goal that is set for years and no matter how she yells, screams and begs, she cannot hold onto the dream that the clouds have yet to redeem.
Did you see me? Or where you lost wondering why I had succumbed to being a lost soul.
I was the one in the dress, the bright red one with the slits, that refelcted inside the sin so pale, so worn from her scale at the pace you cannot imagine, and I walked with a certainty that is only known to the proud. But the wind blew me away, to a place that was far away and I fell and I hurt and cried, and wondered, why, why, cant you see me, I had worn this dress for you, for you I said. This is the day that you see me, that I can tell you this is me.
Did you see me? Or where you lost in the gaze that my sullen face has put you?
I wish you could see me, cos here I am.

I want you to see me.

For some inexplicable reason I have been singing, RHCP's Other Side non-stop for two days. Great song, not my favourite, but I have just been stuck on that one.

Work is blah! A lot of stuff to do, A lot. So why am I online? I just get caught up with being distracted by things I create in my head and I loose track of, okay, what are we doing again, oh yeah, we were serving discovery on someone. I just get distracted by stuff in my head a lot lately. I know I logged on to update about somrthing substantial but this time it has toally escaped my memory what it was. It

Update on being 30

It was a wonderful day. Everything went well and I thought for once I could hold off not crying until this evening, something happened, well, I just missed my friends, the friend network I used to have in Nigeria and how we all used to gather round at my birthday and jump up and down and make it fun, but here, not even my neighbor noticed it was my birthday even though I hung my birthday balloons at the door. But it's fine, it will get better. What a harsh community I live in right, good thing I am moving out, right?

Well, I went to Chateau Elan yesterday for the night. It was supposed to be a day over there, breakfast and then the day at home with my family, and that's it. The Chateau was wonderful, Saturday was so much fun I wished it was the d-day of my birthday. We went to the wine tasting, mingled with the rich; people who would think that you couldn't afford a place like that were floored when they say me there, by myself, well with my mum that they spoke to me like an adult, stopping by to have small talk with me.

Everything was fine, as soon as we checked in the first sight we saw was a wedding train, the bride and groom were just leaving, the bride her smile the brightest in the room. I thought, "Is this a sign, I turn 30 and there's weddings all around me."

I got into the charming room and started to jump up and down jubilantly. The Chateau knew it was my birthday so they gave me a card and a personal labeled bottle of wine (which I am yet to open) and then, our room was overlooking the golf course which was so serene, and we sipped wine and did nothing for a few late in the evening. Everything was nice and normal, I soaked in a bath, watched some movies and then, at 2 am, the fire alarm went off and we all had to vacate, This was hard for me because I was like 2 bottles of alcohol in so I really couldn't coordinate what was up. I almost ran out of there without my bra on until I stopped long enough to grab my purse and shoes. The entire hotel guests were outside looking morose and disheveled. Nothing like rich people in a panic to make you smirk. We spent about 20 minutes out there in the cold until they told us some of us were good to go, which included me. Getting to the room of course, you know we couldn't get back to sleep just as quickly. My mum prayed and sang birthday songs for me and we wound down to Showtime at the Apollo.

We left this morning after breakfast at the Versailles Room, went to church and had a little shindig at my sisters. I went home at 8 pm and its been a bit tepid, but its okay. It's not bad being older, its scary but it's not bad. I want more but I'll take this for now.