about time

In between having conversations with KR and trying to relax, it's been a pretty ho-hum weekend. I did not get the "letter" and at this point I don't know what to believe or expect. I have a feeling I may be waiting for "a word from our sponsor" until Christmas. Some firms just do not coordinate themselves well enough to send out letters of rejection, they just expect you to deduce whatever you want. I don't know if that speaks good or bad of them, but it speaks badly of me that 1) I am still where I am, biglaw firm is not itching to wrap their hands around me after all my preparation and anxiety 2) out of four positions available I could not get myself to fit into one of those positions. Everything about the whole ordeal is disappointing on every level and it just makes me ashamed to think of it. It had all the makings of a success story, except it belonged to me, and my stories do not have a happy ending, geez! I am still waiting for a happy ending to the one I am living in.

Another thing that bothers me, the UK universities I have applied to. They have deducted my money from my account and currenly have my degree in their hand, but please write me, call me, email me, tell me something, acknowledge that you have at least received something from me, they have not. It's like the whole world's gone silent. The prospective employers, recruiters, the university people, everyone. I have just been erased and no one can currently reach me. It saddens me completely.

I had an interesting conversation with my sister. We talked about my finances, and how I should be prepared for the future, and how I should always know at the back of my mind how uncertain it is. She claims she and her husband are experiencing financial trouble and they may want to sell the house to offset their debt and go for a smaller cheaper one. It is the same ole bullshit from her every year, next year it would be, we wish to refinance because mortgage rates are pretty low so let's save some money. Every year, a different thing with that woman. I love her, I love her completely. But I cannot understand her motives for some actions and why she wants everyone to see her reason while she is not seeing that of others, and I am sure she just might say the same of me. But every year it's the same thing, there comes a point when we try our best to avoid the number of instances of "I told you so" in our lifes. Before this one I told her, try to start small just so life would be a little simpler and she said NO, that the market was good, life was good, they needed an investment property. Now, it's we do not really need an investment property as much as we need investment money for the kid's college funds. What am I to believe?


You can see what my life is comprised of? If work could work out, or my love life could work out, or just one little segment in time could work out, maybe I could understand the shades of grey and think they are transient, but this one is of a permanent coloring.

We'll talk again soon, hopefully when I am not full of distress.