black and white

I sometimes see my life in black and white, shades of grey fused in that distort any vision of color. My face pales in comparison to the darkness that it holds, and the smile that I try to reach for is not visible to the mind's eye as it weeps, little dots of grey, green and whimsical mauve. It is black and white there is no other explanation to the ashes.


I don't know why I wrote that, it really doesn't make sense not even to me. I have been blacklisted I am sure of it. There is no other explanation for the silence. Yes, the silence. NO ONE IS CALLING AT ALL. It has never really been that bad. It's bad externally and internally. I have never suffered with these many emotions in a job before. I wake up praying for a storm so I don't have to go in. My attorney is on PAXIL so when she misses her dosage she is a complete mess. And no matter how I pray and wish and beg God please I know I have to work this job until something works out, so please make it easy on me, He still makes it pour down on me, one bad dose of the job after the other. Something heavy, or stupid, or just god-awful unprofessional, makes you wonder. Today I cried. It's becoming a weekly occurence right now. Crying at the job. And I don't wimp out easy. I don't know what gives in the place, and I don't know when it will stop. Relief, saving grace, a chance to breathe and actually look forward to coming to work. I don't know when it ends.

So that made me think of the black and white, black and white shades of my messy life.